Red Burning Wings
by Frantastic1993
Summary: The shadows never leave her alone for long. Robyn Sanshi; a smart-mouth rookie desperately out-running her past, just wants to prove herself. To her superiors, peers, and maybe eventually, herself. Perhaps slightly mad, but in such a deranged world, she might be what the Scouts needs most. And perhaps her unique brand of lunacy is what Captain Levi simply can't ignore any longer.
1. Concrete Boots

**Hey there reader, thanks for looking into this piece. It's my first fanfiction ever so I hope its up to standard. Please leave a review to let me know what you think, i'm always looking to learn and develop my writing. Thank you very much - Francesca Brine**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan, and am simply having fun with creativity with the characters and such. Therefore this will not follow any other storyline other than my own. However I hope the characters are consistent with their portrayal in the show.**

"Damn it."

I land on the nearest branch, ankle unhappy with the rushed landing. This is the third time in two days this damn gear has jammed up. The blades rattle as I pound the gear, trying to wake it up like before. But it's no use, damn thing is finally dead. Thankfully it's only training so there's no threat of imminent death; only the threat of Captain Levi ranting in my face, or smacking my jaw out of place, or flinging me off the tree. I hang my head back, I think I'd rather face a Titan right now Especially in this heat. At least the big brute would be easier to kill. I begin to wind up the wire that failed to recoil, the metal is hot but it needs to be out of the way once my fellow rookies finally catch up. Stupid gear – I might've made a new record today without its timely intervention.

The heat blazes down and I squirm, these damn straps are not made for women with any kind of bust. I shift them and try to allow breathing room, but my damn tits remain in the way. God damn, what I wouldn't give for a big pair of scissors. Snip, snip and freedom! Ugh… Stupid gear, you're keeping me from a cold shower. I gasp as a blade shifts out and catches my hand, but thankfully it only gives me a small gash instead of removing my thumb. Six months and I still feel like a rookie. What a damned joke.

"Son-of-a-bitch gear."

"Mind your mouth Cadet." And there he is, monotone voice rumbling up behind me. I didn't even hear the man land. Of course I didn't, he's a strange little ninja. I say 'little' but as I turn, I'm reminded he's still an inch taller than my midget self. "Jammed?"

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir." I salute, he nods but his grey eyes flash to my hand.

"Just get the damn gear fixed next time instead of beating it up. What did you do to your hand? Bad landing? Not your usual style."

"No, sir. Cut it on a loose blade while trying to um… well while trying to beat the sense back into my gear." He rolls his eyes and shakes his head, the rest of the team passes by, wooshing and zipping as they laugh and chatter. Slow pokes.

"Leave the brutality for the titans, cadet. You've only succeeded doing yourself unnecessary damage, idiot. Well the rest of the brats have finally caught up. Finally."

"Yes, sir."

"How's your tanks?"

"Almost full sir." I say with a proud little pat on them. His eyes narrow and he walks over to grab at my left tank, he shakes it and gives his little tutting noise.

"Tch. Thought you'd be running on fumes by now… Good work." I chance a smile and quick nod. "Get rid of that grin, you've still managed to jam the gear, brat. I'll signal for a new set. Wait here."

"Yes, sir."

He gives a nod and zips away. I feel the weight lift from me, talking to that man is terrifying. Walking on eggshells does not cover it, it was more like walking on land-mines with concrete shoes. A few minutes later Armin lands on the branch, a new set of gear in hand. He helps me out of the old gear and into the new, his eyes occasionally flicking back to my injured hand.

"Armin? I mean… Sergeant—"

"Really Robyn? It's always Armin to you, y'know that."

"Sorry." I groan wiping the sweat form my brow, the sun is relentless today. "The ceremony was so official, thought you might change your mind."

"Nah. I don't suit Sergeant, plus no one else says it without smirking."

"Prats…" I share a smile with him. "How's Eren?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Well he looked pretty upset, them not promoting him and all, just because of his ability. Stupid bureaucrats."

"And that's why it's always Armin." He cheeses. "He's fine, he knows it's only because they're afraid of him. But he knows most of the cadets aren't so that counts for a lot. He's just happy getting to be out there helping, he's not bothered about rank really…"

"Glad to hear it. Thanks for the gear Armin. I better get to the end of the track before Captain Levi sounds the finish bell."

Armin nods and heads off. I turn and look to see if anyone is still passing by before heading back, I don't want to set off them immediately collide with some idiot. I see a glint of silver between the trees as my foot leaves the branch. It's far off, but in the direction everyone was heading. Maybe someone else had a loose blade. I zip over, the glint becomes clearer and I see that it's a fellow rookie, out-cold and hanging from one wire. She's lucky the other wire hasn't broken free. She must've hit a branch or something. I quickly scoop her up and set her on a branch, fanning her face. Concussion mixed with heat stroke is not ideal, along with hanging upside down for however long. Slowly she begins to come round, mumbling away.

The finishing bell sounds off in the distance, echoing off the trees eerily, and making birds take flight. But I ignore it and continue to tend to my patient. Her name isn't occurring to me, I know the round face and mouse-brown hair, but the name remains elusive as I fan her face and check her gear is ok. I probably should make more of an effort to know my fellow cadets, but in the long run it seems pointless. All it would mean I could make a list as they get chomped, stomped or sliced. I bite down on my tongue, cheer up you fuckwit.

"W-What happened?"

"I dunno do I? I found you dangling over there."

"Mm?"

"How's your head? I'm not sure how long you were hanging upside down. No, no stay still. Pretty sure 90% of your blood rushed to your head…"

"But… the finishing bell."

"Let it ring."

"B-b—"

"I can't carry you all the way back, I don't have enough straps to fix you to me." I'm glad to see she decides to shut up. No point in mumbling about protocol when half zonked. "Let me signal and—"

"Slow doesn't cover this, shit display." I roll my eyes and feel the weight return, surely the man can see the girl lying there half dead? Then again we was quite short. "What the hell is going on? Didn't you hear the bell, brat?"

I turn to him and gesture at the drooling mumbler. His eyes take her in but return to me quickly, expression unchanged except for a slight raise of a brow. I give a quick salute and explain.

"I found her hanging upside down, sir. I dunno how long she was out for, or what happened but I can't carry her alone. I was about to signal, sir, but—"

"Do you have any water left? This idiot needs to be at least conscious for us to move her, or she'll flop around uselessly." I hand it over to him and he helps the girl sip it down. My throat pinches but know the girl needs it more. "Send up a green flare."

I send up the flair and watch it rise into the blue dome above us. What I wouldn't give for a cloud. The minutes slog by and I try to fan myself, and them, with my coat. Captain Levi seems glad of it as he rubs the back of his neck, slick with sweat as he tries to shield the girl from the sun.

"This brat seriously needs to wake up. Carrying will be a problem otherwise."

"I could tie her to me, you have a couple extra straps right? Combine them with mine and I can carry her like that."

"Cadet don't be an idiot. There's no way you'll manage that in this heat."

"Well sir, with all due respect, if we don't move soon we'll all be too spent to move, then everyone else will have to come help us. We might as well try it. If I can't make it I'll stop."

"See that you do." He straightens up and starts handing over his straps. "I don't want to have two useless brats taking up my afternoon."

"No, sir." I wait for him to hold her up so I can loop the straps into place, he then attaches her to my back and I cringe at the weight and heat of the girl's limp body. She's tiny, but on a day like this she might as well have been a ten metre Titan.

I don't wait for him to take the lead, I know where I'm going. My legs shudder as I make the first leap. My throat burns as the sun beats me, but the wind from flying helps, I feel it move under my red hair and smile as a bird tries to keep pace. Suddenly Captain Levi takes over, looking my way. I focus on the task ahead, the lack of distraction only making the girls weight seem to increase. I grunt but I know we're nearly there. I just need to get this girl to the infirmary and then I can have a long drink, take an ice cold shower and crash out on my bed. That's all I have to do. That's all I have to do.

"Gah." The girl slumps backwards and sends my balance with her. I manage to right us with a backflip but not without my neck getting a good dose of whiplash. I clench my jaw to avoid yelping. I'm not about to give the Captain the satisfaction. He zips a little closer, looking ahead all the while. As if that man could catch both me and mousey here.

"Sanshi stop."

"It's fine, sir. We're almost there." I say it through gritted teeth and he rolls his eyes. Finally we arrive at the compound and I land heavily. Medics unstrap the girl and take her away. One less job to do then. I lean on my knees, breath short as the pressure is suddenly relieved from my back and ribs. I then get up and begin to head for the main building.

"Got somewhere to be Sanshi?" He challenges as he takes off his gear. My skin drips with sweat as my head swims a little, but my pride bolsters up. I stand up straight and salute.

"No, sir."

He takes his time, of course, and finally meanders over to me, about three and a half of him in view.

"Tomorrow morning you'll meet me here, to teach your fellow brats how to use their gear." I nod. "If even half of them can be as efficient with their gas, supply won't be as much of an issue whilst out on patrol. That's all cadet, now go shower, you look disgusting."

"Yes, sir." And I walk off, giving a small stumble despite my efforts. There's a snigger behind me but I decide that it must've been a bird. I don't have the energy to slap that man. Then again it probably hadn't been him, there were several other recruits hanging around after all.

Armin sees me trudge past, I see his little head spin round and then footsteps follow me up the stairs.

"Finally Robyn, I was worried your gear had given out again."

"No, just helping out… ugh… the little… brown haired girl…" I hold the wall as the world surges in the heat, and Armin's hand lands on my shoulder. "Sorry Armin, I just need a drink and a shower."

"Well I can help you up the stairs at least, c'mon, I heard you'd helped Sandra."

"Yeah… Poor girl must've smashed into a branch."

"She's lucky you spotted her. Well done on carrying her though, you call her little but you're shorter than her I think." He laughs, and I can't help but join in. "Well you're not too tired to smile, that's something. Here we are. Just relax okay? It's off-time for your division this afternoon anyway."

I pat his shoulder and nod, unable to make my thick tongue move before going to my room. I put my water pitcher to my lips and gulp greedily, letting the liquid spill over the sides and down my front. The cold spreads out from my throat and I shudder, letting the pitcher fall to the floor. I take off my braces and remaining gear, till only my drenched trousers and shirt remain. I feel like a sausage, shoved into a synthetic casing. Ew. I look down at my sopping clothing and realise that Captain Levi was completely correct; I look disgusting. Then again training wasn't a beauty contest. Thankfully.

I head for the showers and get the water going, steam starts to fill the room and I climb in, drawing the curtain across and sighing as the warm water hits me. Just off cold. I gradually turn the water to ice and sink to the floor. There's soap down here and I lazily wash my sticky skin and hair till it squeaks with cleanliness. I feel exhaustion tug at my mind as I recall the training. What if I had faltered? I imagine the Captain trying to hold both me and mousey and zip along. I throw back my head and laugh, the image only made funnier as exhaustion pulling on my nerves. This had been a long day.

"Cut out that damn noise, brat."

I put my head against the wall, eyes rolling. It was a communal shower room, there was no reason for him not to be there, and yet I really wished he'd bugger off and leave me alone.

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

The curtain in the next cubicle over is drawn and closed again and I allow the temperature of my shower to rise a little, no need to give myself pneumonia. Only the hissing water can be heard and I let myself curl up into a ball beneath the waterfall, sleep threatens but I just focus on the massaging droplets.

"I saw Artlet help you up the stairs. Did I ask too much of you?" The smirk oozed through his voice. I dig my nails into the bar of soap and imagine it's his skull. "Cadet? Answer me."

"No, sir, I'm good. Thank you for the concern—"

"You assume a lot."

"I just had cramp in my leg, sir. This morning was nothing I couldn't handle. Was my performance lacking, sir?"

"Tch, why is it you always assume criticism?"

"I assume everyone has criticism, sir. Easiest assumption to make."

"Decent outlook." I wait, sensing there's more coming after the compliment. "Although you were an inexcusable idiot." Ding, ding, ding.

"Of course sir," I sit up, smoothing down the dents in the soap. "What particular instance of stupidity are you referring to?"

"Don't be a smart-ass." I say quiet, biting back my retort. "It was clear in the compound that you were dehydrated, to the point of delirium. You could barely walk straight."

"Yes, sir."

"Had we been out in the field that could have been fatal. Both to you and your team."

"Sir, Sandra needed the water more than—"

"Heroism isn't required of you brat, killing titans and surviving is."

"Permission to speak freely sir?" I can't help but talk through clenched teeth.

"Keep the swearing to a minimum… permission granted."

"This is all contextual. Sandra wouldn't have only had me or you to help her in the field, and had she been swinging on her own like that as long as she was, she'd be dead, and therefore not an issue. Ergo, my 'heroism' wouldn't apply in the field. However knowing how far it was to the compound, and knowing I could make it, made the choice simple, and not endangering." I spout all this whilst hitting my head off the tiles, turning the water back to ice as my temper flares. I helped a fellow officer, and I even technically helped this prick, and yet he was giving me shit for it. I focused on the cold of the water. I had to keep a lid on my temper. A prat though he was, he still out-ranked me and would easily beat the living shit out of me. Although I look to the shower head above me, wondering if it'd fit down his throat.

"You still put yourself at risk without reason. Next time inform me of your issue. It'll just be me that gets shit from the Commander."

"So I can be another useless rookie?" I say pulling back my curtain and wrapping my towel round myself. I was going to sit there and let the water drown out my exhaustion, but the weight of having to manoeuvre round the Captain's words was just too tiring. Although it then occurs to me that my tone was rather lacking. I cringe and try to sneak out before he gets out his shower. Please let me escape, please?

"Cadet."

Fuckery.

I stop and turn, internally wincing at the slap that is presumably about to send me into the next week. He tucks his towel into place and walks towards me. I can't deny he's more muscular than I thought, that uniform doesn't do him any favours. Weird little ninja midget.

"It's my duty to ensure your safety, don't make my job any harder than it needs to be."

I give the slightest of nods and leave, hoping I'd managed to keep most of the contempt from my face. So now I was just giving him more of a workload? My training was clearly going swimmingly. I lock my bedroom door and sit down at my desk, my mirror is smudged as I look at the bags under my eyes. Maybe Keza had been right? I touch the red ribbon that drapes over the mirror and give a weak smile. Nah, she was a daft bitch. I could do this. I would do this.

* * *

 **If you're interested - which you may not be! - I have recently started a DeviantArt account and am planning on doing sketches of various parts of this fanfic. Feel free to check it out! I don't plan on putting up spoilers, but it will be for the whole fic so you've been warned, some images will be from later chapters.**

 **Deviant Art id: Frantastic1993 (i tried pasting the URL but it kept going weird)**


	2. Burning Fury

**Disclaimer: I do not own AOT, simply enjoying using the characters and seeing where my own creativity takes things. I hope you're enjoying, please leave a review if you have time, always eager to see what works/what doesn't!**

The next morning I rise early and head downstairs to have breakfast. Apart from the cook I'm alone until Eren walks in, rubbing his eyes. He grabs some food and coffee and heads over to sit opposite me, the usual sleepy smile greets me and he gnaws at his bread, green eyes half closed. How could anyone think of him as our enemy? I get the whole terrifying Titan form thing, and the fact he could kill us all inside of ten minutes, but those big green eyes and that smile. How could evil be behind that? Admittedly the smile was sometimes rare, but it was still there on occasion. I'd lost count how many times I'd slapped a fellow rookie on the back of the head for mouthing off about the man. For god's sake he helped reclaim Trost, first human victory since the Titans appeared. I couldn't help but despair at the mind-set of some of my fellow recruits.

"Morning, you don't look like you had the best night's sleep ever." I say as he interrupts his chewing with another yawn. He frowns and shakes his head.

"Nah, I didn't. But then again do any of us sleep well anymore?"

"Good point." I sip my coffee, my own nightmares echoing in my memory. I wonder how many nightmares we all shared in this building. But we all had our own personal ones. Sometimes horror came before the battlefield. Eren gives a wave and I jump a little. I need to stop zoning out.

"You all right there?"

"Sorry, coffee hasn't kicked in yet. What were you saying?"

"I heard about Sandra, how's she doing?"

"She's fine, sore from being flung about the place, but she'll be fine."

"And you? Armin seemed worried about you." He then groans and bites his lip as he realises from my expression that he shouldn't have let slip about the blonde gossip. I sigh and wave a hand, though my neck gives a twinge and I rub it stubbornly.

"I'm fine, I just didn't keep myself hydrated like a moron. But I clearly did something right, Captain Levi has asked me to teach my fellow rookies how to use the gear efficiently…" He notices my tone and I shrug, "This was before he called me out for being an idiot of course."

"Of course. Well done on the teaching though, that's gotta feel good."

"Not really, they'll either not listen, or hate me when my method works. Swot of the class is never the most popular. Still... I can always come sit with you and Armin and Mikasa _right_?" Hope slides into my voice, and he grins, green eyes creasing.

"Duh. We're always happy to have you. Mikasa is thrilled to have another girl who can keep up with her, Armin's fascinated by you, Jean wants to… get to know you… and I just generally like your company." He grins down at his plate. "And you're one of the few people that didn't need convincing that I wouldn't rip you apart in your sleep."

"I reckon I could take you."

"I don't doubt it. You're fucking terrifying."

We laugh together and gradually others begin to file in for breakfast. All tired, but all happy to see another sunny and thus far peaceful day for training. My fellow rookies begin to arrive and all glance my way as I sit amongst Eren and Armin, with Mikasa chatting away. I wave but receive nothing back, they all seem very unimpressed. Not that I want them to be impressed, but still, very unimpressed. Children.

After breakfast I head out to the compound and Eren pats my back as we go separate ways.

"Don't be too hard on them rookies eh Robyn?"

"Me? Hard?" I gasp with wide eyes, a hand to my mouth. "What a terrible thing to say Eren!"

He just laughs and jogs after Mikasa who has already headed off, shaking her head at us.

I go to the training area and stand before the start line of the tree course; my fellow rookies stand with expectant faces. Expecting failure. As soon as Captain Levi turns up though they suddenly all stand to attention, shit scared. I turn and salute as well, noticing his side-line glance my way and hint of a smirk. He's going to enjoy this. I wonder if he's hoping I'll fail, maybe he's just bored and fancies a show?

"Okay Brats, today cadet Sanshi is going to teach you how to make a run without completely wasting your tanks. Yesterday she was miles ahead of all of you and barely used her tanks. Got a problem with her teaching? Congrats, I don't give a shit." He then looked to me with his heavy lidded eyes and nodded. "Sanshi."

I took my stance in front of them all and went through my explanation, they had seen me in action enough times to not need a demonstration but the theory was easy enough to go through. I began to round off when the smirks and side-glances began to echo through the group. I knew Captain Levi wouldn't intervene, he was enjoying testing me.

"So yeah, basically use your weight rather than your tanks to gain speed, use momentum with up and down movements. Gas should only be used to quickly change direction really."

" _So it's her head she leads with I guess."_ I wasn't sure where the very loud whisper came from but the laughter that followed took the whole group. Captain Levi was stood against a post, watching without expression.

"Actually no." I smile at the unforgiving sneers of my moronic peers. "No I don't lead with my over-inflated head, as the name would suggest, that's just hot-air. No, I lead with my ass," Several blushes bloom over the male faces and grimaces take over the female. "Yup, use the junk in your trunks people. It's all in the hips." I stand and swing my hips around.

" _Show off._ "

"But don't worry, if you're a skinny little waste-of-space just use your self-importance to get the momentum going. Should send you fucking flying." And now the laughter is with me, not at me. Job done. I knew they'd resent me for having the favour of the higher-ups, but at least this shows them I'm not about to back-down from their challenges. Bunch of useless children.

Captain Levi then sends them out in groups to be timed. He then turns to lead me towards the main hall. His hand is tight on my elbow and I sense another scolding coming along. What did I do this time? Maybe he wasn't pleased with my ass-talk. Or dancing… shit.

"Captain Levi shouldn't I be—"

"Practising a method you've already perfected? No, idiot."

"Sorry, sir."

"I figured, if you did well, I'd let you have the cushy job Armin was assigned. Plus he'll need back up, kid looks like a fucking woman half the time."

"So I did well?"

"You didn't do too shit, no." He smirks a fraction, "It's all in the hips."

"Yeah… sorry… I had to improvise. So, sir, what is it I'm helping Armin with?"

"In order to help maintaining the districts and the regiments, the council are putting all convicts to work. We have a batch coming in. You, and Artlet will be assigning those in the mess hall. Find out if any of them are any good at cooking, cleaning etc. and put them to it."

"I feel like you should look into the cleaners…" He gives me a cold look. "Just a suggestion. But are we talking petty thieves or…"

"From muggers to murderers."

"Just who you want making the porridge."

"Not your call, brat. They're just taking up spaces and resources whilst rotting in jail. We have the man power to contain them, and the weapons to dispose of them should they cause trouble. They know this." Levi gives me a shove towards the door, finally releasing my elbow from has vice-like grip. Damn he was strong, I can already feel a bruise bubbling to the surface. Why did he have to hold so damned tight? Maybe he thought I'd get spooked by convicts. Seems strange considering I've solo killed 13 Titans, but every person has their weak points. He didn't have time for mine.

"Can't argue with that—" the words die in my throat, guttering to a halt as I freeze in the door frame. You must be fucking joking… this was just a sick joke that I stumbled onto right? I think Captain Levi is trying to get my attention but it's pointless. The world has turned to darkness except for one person stood in line with the other convicts. Just standing there, like nothing's wrong. He's thin now, but the straggly beards is still there and the greasy hair is still thinning on top and down to his hunched shoulders. He's pale. He looks ill. And yet I know he's still dangerous. He cannot be here, not now, not when I've been trained to kill so efficiently. It's too simple. It has to be a fucking joke.

"Dammit cadet Sanshi, talk to me." The words burst into my world as I'm pinned against the wall, Captain Levi's silver eyes glinting as his forearm presses against my throat. His entire body is crushing me against the stonework, restraining me despite the fact I'm not resisting. Only it's not the wall, it's the floor, and I'm not by the door anymore I'm over where the line of convicts is. Or was. Now there's only a few stragglers staring down in disbelief, and a few spattering's of blood. I had no weapon though; my fingers are sticky, nails caked in something spongy and I feel something dribble from the corner of my slick mouth. I look into Captain Levi's eyes and he leans back slightly. "Robyn? Can you hear me?"

I look away from him. The bedraggled faces of convicts look down, eyes wide as though looking a Titan in the face. A couple familiar faces loom here and there, keeping their distance as the dust settles. Finally Eren and Armin appear, faces distraught as they are held back by Jean and Connie. And finally _his_ face comes back into view, the straggly beard's half gone now though, red flesh exposed beneath. The lank hair lays strewn on the stone floor matted in what I hope is his own blood whilst bruising blossoms over his already sunken cheekbone and slightly bent nose. His neck has deep gashes in it and I feel my hands twitch in memory of his soft flesh tearing underneath their clawing. My mouth tingles as I look at the chunk taken from his ear and I feel a warm sensation as a small dose of justice has been served. I give a small chuckle, look to the silver gimlets of my Captain before my eyes rolls back and darkness takes me.

"I don't know what happened Erwin. I already said that."

The captain's voice swims into my ear through a fog. I can feel my heavy eyelids and want to open them, but curiosity and caution sit on my tongue and tells me to remain still. Leather straps are round my wrists, so I'm not considered as dangerous as Eren, but dangerous enough to need slowing down. So much for keeping a lid on my temper. What a fucking mess I've landed myself in now. And the Commander was in my room? I assume it's my room, doesn't smell like the hospital.

"Well Lance how does a rookie cadet get away from you, across the mess hall and half kill a man _before_ you manage to stop her."

"She's fucking fast." The Captain growls and I hold onto the sheets, oh fuck. I'd both lost my shit, totally ignored whatever he'd been saying at the time, _and_ hurt his pride by outrunning him? The world could only do me the favour of swallowing me whole, just crush me into the dirt and suffocate me. It sounds like a better option than facing the fury of my Captain.

My mind flits back to all the stories I'd heard about him and I turn cold. The brutality, the mercilessness. I remember on my fourth night here, after having the Captain bellow at me for not doing my straps up correctly, it was a simple mistake but he must've called me everything connoted with useless. It had been difficult, but I'd fought back the bitter tears. It had taken so long to get to the scouts, and it felt like I'd been thrashed back to day one of basic training. Eren tried to comfort me, but as I continued to wallow he sighed and told me how much worse it could have been. He told me the story. I cringe at the memory of how his eyes glazed over, reliving the onslaught of the Captain's boot in the courtroom. It felt like I'd been there, it felt like I was bound to that pole, my insides being turned to pulp.

I think I'll keep my eyes closed forever. Then again, I doubt his patience would hold up, he'd probably just throttle me in my sleep. Fuck. Escape plans were usually my forte, but right now I was like a bug hitting against a pane of glass dumbly. The conversation between the two men continued.

"Plus she's hardly a rookie. Been here six months and already outdoes half the regiment entirely, let alone those other shitty brats. That brat Mikasa won't shut up about it, and she never says a fucking word."

"Whatever Sanshi's rank, she was your responsibility."

"I've said my apologies. I didn't expect her to go fucking bezerk."

"Do we know her reasons?"

"Not yet. She passed out before I could ask anything."

"See that you find out. She's a fine soldier, but this is serious."

"He is a convict Erwin, hardly a victim."

"With his jugular vein almost torn clean out Lance, yes, he is a victim. Stay here and find out what you can. I have to see what the medics have managed to do for him."

The door closes and there's a heavy sigh from Captain Levi. Better than a growl I guess? The floorboards creak as he walks towards my head. I make sure my tongue isn't between my teeth before the deluge begins. But then it sounds like he sits down. Seems like an impractical position to hit me. A few moments of silence slide by before I feel a hand brush hair from my face and a finger run along my jawline. The hell?

"Why the fuck did you do it Robyn?" I couldn't think when he'd ever called me by my first name before, only now and… well when I was pinned beneath him after going rogue. Well this was definitively disturbing. "Who the hell is this guy that sent you so over the edge…"

I give in. He won't wait forever, and at least I can brace properly if I can see where's going to attack. I open my eyes and take a stale breath. Ew. I must've been out a day or so without drinking anything. Captain Levi remains still, sat straight against his chair, legs crossed nonchalantly as usual. I can sense his gaze as I look around the blurred shape of my quarters. As my vision clears I get the courage to look at him properly. He stares back blankly. I slowly sit up, but my head spins and I lay back down, he reaches out to the pitcher of water and pours me a glass. I carefully sip it, careful not to meet his eye. Looking down the barrel of a gun was never a nice concept.

The silence is tense but I can't bring myself to break it. I hope he can't tell but I'm quivering, I try and tense myself against it, but on it goes. Pathetic really. I know he won't say anything, he wants answers, and he knows he'll get them one way or the other. I can't decide whether to lie or admit the truth. But my befuddled brain refuses to give me a decent lie to tell, nothing would really justify what I did. I'm not sure the truth does. But I can't tell him the truth. Can I?

Shit he's still waiting, the expression is blank but I can sense his impatience, a twitch occurs in his foot. It's just itching for something to kick.

I hand back the cup and accept that I have to tell him. Shit. This was never meant to be out in the open. And then I realise that perhaps I don't need the whole truth. I flinch a little, my body aching, how hard had he had to hit me? This explanation couldn't sound like an excuse though, that'd only enrage him. Fuck, what was I going to do? Again the foot twitches. I look up and feel another shudder as I meet his relentless gaze. Give me a Titan any day.

"He…" I wince and force myself to grow a spine. You did the deed, now explain dammit. "He was my father."

"You didn't manage to kill him, brat. Past tense isn't needed."

"Doesn't change the fact he _was_ my father, past tense applied since I was eight…" I blush and grip the sheets. Control it you fuckwit. He waits and I fight my temper as it slowly burns in my chest. "I'm sorry Captain Levi, to have caused you issue, but I'm not sorry for what I did."

"Apology appreciated." He sips his coffee. When the hell did he get that? "Father. Hmm… well shit. Daddy issues. How original."

"One in a million, that's me."

"Didn't expect father…"

"I managed to surprise you? My, my, I feel so giddy." I choke after the words leave my mouth. What the hell was I doing? He slaps the back of my head and I nod, yeah I deserved that.

"What did he do?"

I purse my lips. This was not meant to come to light. This was not meant to be how I was defined as a soldier. My personal nightmares didn't matter on the battlefield so why did they matter in training? I try to think of a lie. But once again my brain just yawns and rolls over, lazy bastard.

"Cadet, answer me."

"Sir. He… he deserved it."

"Not your call really. What did he do, don't make me ask again."

"Please don't make me answer." I whisper with closed eyes, bracing for another slap for insubordination. Silence rules as my heart thrums in my ears.

"Tch. Fine brat, keep your secrets for now. But it won't be long before you have to spill it. Commander Erwin is hardly willing to let this slide. Nor am I." He adds with a narrowing of his eyes, which somehow is possible. I nod, the quivering begins to die down a little. I think.

For obvious reasons, I'm confined to my quarters. Not that I'd have been able to go wandering anyway. And certainly not on another rampage, as they suspect I might. For the remainder of the day I gradually manage to sit up, everything hurts though. Every time I flinch I grit my teeth a little harder. The prick had really done a number on my ribs. His eyes remain stoic as he watches me, eyes only occasionally flashing up from his book.

"I'm guessing this all over bruising is your handiwork, sir?"

"You were like a feral animal, I had to do something."

"Oh I'm not blaming you, God no." again he looks at me. "I just wondered if _he_ had fought back at all." I laugh but of course the Captain doesn't join in. In fact a crease appears between his brows and he snaps his book shut. Oh good, what had I said wrong now?

"You don't remember?"

"Well…" I realise how bad that sounds now. "I remember walking to the hall, and I remember seeing that bast- man stood in the line… but then… Then I'm pinned beneath you with your voice ringing in my ears. Just before I passed out."

"That's a lot of rage." He puts his book on the window sill. "Your f- what's his name?"

"Vincent." It tastes disgusting on my tongue.

"Vincent barely saw you coming. You had him to the floor and started clawing out his throat and biting half his ear off before he even yelled out."

"He yelled?"

"Obviously, brat." He looks out the window and frowns. "Even I barely saw you move till you were over there and blood was messing up my floor."

"Sorry, blood's a bugger to clean."

"I know." He shoots me a look and I look down at my lap. "Cadet Sanshi, I've only ever seen that kind of rage in one other person."

"I'm not a Titan, sir." I catch a glimpse of a double-take. "Eren has a similar rage to mine yes, but that isn't why he's a Titan shifter. Trust me, I've tried. So don't worry, no big booms here, just tired and stupid me." I lay my head back against the headboard and close my eyes. There's a sliding noise as he takes up his book again.

"Sorry for the suspicion."

"No need to apologise, perfectly logical. Plus it's not something I find offensive. Eren's actually a help to humanity. Anyone treating him like a threat should try and remember that more often. Seems crazy that mediocre soldiers like me get praised for swinging through trees quickly, and yet he is looked at like he's an animal. A fucking monkey can swing through trees. Or at least I read that they could."

"Commander Erwin has to keep in mind the safety of his regiment." I nod; I know all this, but my frustration can't help but surface. I can feel him staring at me but I keep my eyes closed.

"I know, sorry sir, it's more my fellow rookies. The things they say…"

"Jeager can handle it."

"But he shouldn't have to."

I'm so tired. I take a deep breath but flinch as my ribs flare up, clearly that was too greedy of me. I try to take another breath, smaller this time, but my ribs are not happy with me. I cringe against the pain and hate that I'm showing it, fuck this is pathetic.

"Sorry, sir. I just… gah." I slam back into the headboard and try to hug my ribs, shuddering all over as the leather straps stop me from doing so. Teeth bared as I fight against a scream, it half escapes as a strained groan. Tears have begun to fall haven't they? I feel them trickle down and I wish I'd just disappear. This was shameful.

"Shit, how hard did I hit you?" I feel his cold hands on my shoulders but I can't open my eyes, red pain floods my body and try to stop writhing as it only makes it worse. "Cadet, stop thrashing around like an idiot. Calm down."

"S-sorry." The word slips out my mouth, slurring as the pain begins to subside and my consciousness begins to fade. "S-s…sorry."

"Stop apologising you idiot."

When I open my eyes the sun has set and the Captain is at my desk doing paperwork. I sit up slowly and give a small wave when his eyes are cast my way. There's an echo of the pain in my ribs but it's nothing like it was. I look down at my wrists, the straps are gone. I look back at the Captain, I guess he decided I didn't need them. Red bands run round my thin wrists and they burn a little, clearly I was fighting against them harder than I thought. I lie there and assess the damage. But it's hard to determine what each part is, it's just a wave of pain with each breath. Well, damn. But lying here isn't helping, it's just frustrating me. I slowly shift and begin to swing my legs out.

"What're you doing, brat?" He's up and standing there looking down with that same lacking expression. "You're a cripple right now. Lie down."

"I-I need a shower, I always feel better after a shower." My vice is crackling again but he understands, he rolls his eyes as my legs wobble beneath me. Begrudgingly he puts my arm round his shoulder and helps me through.

"Just take it slow brat, you're fucking heavy."

"Thanks, sir." I make my legs take more weight and I hear him sigh. "Well don't moan about me trying to help. I'm not an invalid."

"Right now that's exactly what you are." I fight the blush, I hate this weakness. Then again it was him who beat me into this feckless mess. After I went mental. We were each to blame I guess. I fight a snigger, no, this was on me. I was lucky he hadn't just snapped my neck, would've saved time, effort and patience.

The tiles nip at my bare toes and the bench is harsh against my legs. My bare legs. I gasp and look down whilst the Captain turns on the water. I'm wearing only a shirt, which barely covers my underwear. Well shit, dignity took a holiday clearly.

"I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't… I didn't realise… shit…" I reach out for a towel but my rib gives a snarl and I let my arm drop with a flinch. "Shit."

The Captain goes over and grabs a large bath towel, holds it up and looks away, face continuously unresponsive.

"Just calm it. You're just going to do yourself another damned injury. I've seen a woman's legs before. Don't flatter yourself."

"I wasn't."

I stand up and turn away, taking off what little clothing I do have on before taking the towel and carefully wrapping it round myself so I could head into the cubicle. The water hits me and I sigh as the heat unwinds my muscles, the tension leaves me like my breath and I lay my forehead against the icy tiling. It felt amazing. Even the pain seems to be washing away a little. I turn up the heat so the water becomes like lava.

"Thank you, sir. I feel human again…"

"Brat turn the temperature down on that water before you boil yourself alive." I do as told and wait for the verbal scolding to continue. Captain Levi walks towards my cubicle and I wonder if he'll actually have the gall to pull back the curtain. His shadow lingers outside for a few seconds before he stands to the side and seems to lean against the sinks. "And you're welcome."

I begin to soap myself, wondering if I'm imagining the weirdness to the silence as the water drums against the tiling and me. Was I taking too long? There's a tut from him before a long draw of breath and eventual sigh.

"Well this sounds like it'll be good news." I say as I lather up my hair.

"He's dead."

"S-sorry?"

"He died whilst you slept."

Bubbles slide off me and the water dribbles into my eyes as they stare blindly ahead. He's dead. Vincent is finally dead. It begins slowly, a mere gurgle deep down in my throat. Then it rises up, rumbling as it climbs up and out. I howl with laughter. I can't stop. My entire body is wracked with convulsions as euphoria envelops me. I did it. I ripped away his life like he did mine. It took thirteen damned years, but finally it was done.

"Control yourself brat. This means its murder." I can only imagine the fury in his face as he listens to my relentless chortling. He must think I'm mad. I gasp for air and look at my shaking hands, they're clean, they're finally clean.

"The bastards dead?"

"That's what I said."

"I finally did it. I kept my fucking promise at long last."

"Didn't you hear me? Murder! That's fucking serious ca—"

"Then hang me." I giggle. "Shoot me. Feed me to a fucking Titan for all I care…" the laughter pours out of me along with tears. So this was how it felt to be free?

"Don't you start that Cadet." I continue to gasp at the hot air and feel my head swim, a shadow has lifted from my shoulders and I find it hard to balance myself against the weightlessness. Keza would never believe it. My mother was finally avenged. But then the laughter slips away and the aches return, my injuries are still there and I crumple to the floor in a heap, groaning as the euphoria abandons me to agony. A short lived celebration it was then.

"Sanshi?" The suddenly silence would be unnerving to anyone. But I can't answer. I can't even breathe. "Cadet answer me."

I hold out my hand, clawing under the curtain, unable to catch a breath to answer him.

"Shit." He hisses.

His hand reaches in and grabs the towel, flings it over me and turns off the water. He tugs back the curtain and tries to sit me up. He can see I'm in pain but scoops me up effortlessly and out of the wet shower bowl. So much for me being heavy; lying prick. Another towel is wrapped round me and he sets me down on the bench, allowing me to lay down as I wait for the pain to subside. I don't know how long the quiet lasts, but finally I can stop cringing and let myself relax against the long bench.

"You're a fucking mess cadet." I look down at myself and frown, I'm perfectly clean? "I meant in the head, idiot."

"Ah, yes, sir. Sorry." I mumble with a nod. He leans against the wall by the bench, eyes watching me as I peer up at him sheepishly.

"What was the promise?" He asks, watching me closely.

"Sir?" I'm dumbfounded. Why does he care?

"When you were… laughing… you mentioned a promise?"

"I-I promised my mother I'd kill him for hurting her." I say, remembering the flames as they rose from the husk of my childhood home, my bitter words following the embers up to the sky. He nods and sets his jaw. Slowly he was getting his answers.

"What did he do cadet? The answer needs to come out at some point. Bite the bullet."

I sigh. There wasn't much point in prolonging it.

"Yes, sir. H-he—" I clench my fists and punch the bench. He waits. "It was my eighth birthday, sir. He made me watch as he murdered my mother and little brother. Sliced them up and made me watch. Then he tried to kill me by burning our house down."

I stare ahead blankly, unable to blink as the memory replays once again. His face as he leers over them knife against their throats before slowly opening them up, pouring red wine from their veins as he rambles on at me. How he took me by the throat, threw me into the basement and locked the door. Had I been any bigger I'd have failed to squeeze out the small window.

I can feel the silver stare but still can't look at it.

"Isn't it strange, sir? So many good soldiers have died, whilst a scumbag like that remained breathing."

"Why didn't he get the death sentence?"

"He had a lot of cash…" I groan and put a hand over my eyes, "I am sorry, sir."

"I know you never meant to cause anyone else harm, Cadet. I'm not an idiot. That's been an issue raised in almost all your assessments."

"Not following, sir."

"You're an idiot who only looks to her own needs after every other person thinkable has been attended to." I feel a blush come to my cheeks, I tug the towel tighter to my face. "It's ridiculous and irritating. And now you have finally let yourself be attended to, and it's for bloodthirsty revenge."

"Whoops?"

His eyes flash down at me. "I knew I liked you, brat."

He helps me back through to my room once I can stand. All the while explaining how he doubts Erwin will want to take action against me once the details are explained. And then he confirms that they need to be. I hate that this secret will now be hovering over me, but then again, the murder will do. Everyone would be horrified. Whilst I felt like dancing on the tables. Carefully. He flattens my blanket and leans against the window sill, shooting me a look.

"Don't get used to this brat."

"Couldn't even if I wanted to." I smirk. "Why _are_ you being so nice?"

"I'd prefer to keep you sane instead of abandoning you to your _obvious_ madness."

"Sorry, the laughter got a bit out of hand."

"I can see that. You look pathetic." I flinch, such kindness was hard to deal with. "At least you're consistent. You laughed after attacking him, so it only makes sense for you to laugh now."

"Consistently mad. Super." I chuckle a little. "I just can't believe I finally managed it. Although I suppose this means my current career choice is at an end?"

"Not necessarily." I watch his mind work as the grey eyes stare forward at the opposite wall. "You've certainly shown you have a killer instinct, and your record pretty much speaks for itself. I think once Erwin tells the higher-ups about the circumstances, they'll be lenient."

"Thank you."

"Plus you're as insignificant as they come."

"Always helps."

"You'll probably be put in our custody. Shit… we're becoming some kind of rehabilitation centre for the pyscho brats of Shaganshi. Don't think that means you've got away with it."

"No, sir."

"I'll have the authority to lock you up or kick the shit out of you at any opportunity. Keep that in mind next time you feel like losing it."

"If you can catch me."

"Don't push your luck, brat." I sigh as everything dulls to mere ache once again.

"I think I can live with that yeah… shit… he's actually dead isn't he sir?"

"Well he's not pretending."

"That's gonna take some time to sink in."

"Then take the time." He looks to the door. "And get a hold of yourself, I only need one outright maniac in my team and shitty glasses is filling that role. She's fucking overflowing it."

"Don't worry, sir. There's plenty rookies that I can shift away into, dilute the crazy."

"Hints don't work well on you." He says and I sit up a little, a bit of my strength returning. His eyes flash to the movement but then return to study the other wall.

"You mean…? Hang on but I'm just a rookie, I can't—"

"Is that a no? I can understand, survival rates are not great on my team." There's no shift in tone but I see the way his eyes tighten.

I had only joined about a week after the first Female Titan attack, so never got to know Petra, or anyone else from his team. But from what Eren had told me they were great people. They just had their numbers called. I sit up straight, giving a small whine as I do so, he remains still and waits for me to be upright before glancing my way. I get my arm out from under my blanket and hold it over my heart, red hair in wet disarray across my face still.

"Sir, I accept this honour with appropriate gratitude and respect."

He nods and straightens up, brushing himself down. He gathers up his paperwork and head for the door. He doesn't speak another word, just nods before closing the door. I lay my head on the pillow, the pain having dulled to little more than a memory as I am filled with a new warmth. This is an exciting new adventure and I'm sure to learn a vast amount with him as the head of my team, but really I'm just proud to have been chosen. It then occurs to me that Erwin may have some issue with this, and then I remember who he'll be having issue with. I smile as I consider the argument that would play out.

* * *

 **Again, I've been doing drawings for this fic, and there's one for this chapter also. If you're interested**

 **Deviant Art id: Frantastic1993 "Dammit talk to me" (i tried pasting the URL but it kept going weird)**

 **Thanks, Fran**


	3. Bets Settled

**Disclaimer: I do not own AOT but am an avid fan of it. This is just me having fun, and hopefully giving you some enjoyment too. Leave a review and let me know how it's going if you have the time, always want to know what works or what doesn't. Thanks for reading!**

There were many arguments, but none were held in front of me. I think that's what bothered me most. Erwin didn't even respect me enough to argue about my future with me in the same damn room. However I wasn't being charged with anything, the higher-ups had looked at my record, heard the reasoning behind the attack and let it go. It seemed too easy, but that was all the explanation the Captain was going to give me. He'd been his version of kind whilst I was recovering, but that soon ended when I was healed. It may have been my imagination but I was sure he was pushing me harder than the others in the team whilst training, maybe he wanted to make sure I had a lid on my temper. I hoped I did.

It was a secret what happened between me and the convict. So naturally everyone found out. There were whispers and looks all around me when I first returned to the mess hall. But I held my head high and went to sit with Eren etc. and they all greeted me like nothing had changed. Whilst we ate there were a couple little looks of concern, but no one treaded on eggshells. I looked to Eren and grinned, I knew this was his good work. He knew I wasn't a monster, just like I knew he wasn't. It took a while, but soon things went back to normal. Only the occasional whisper caught my attention. Once or twice though Jack, a fellow accomplished rookie of six months, would give me a pitying smile. Then he'd put a hand on my shoulder and squeeze, tapping my chin gently. Each time he got a swift punch to the gut, but he assured me that he understood what I was going through. The third time this happened I couldn't let my patience take another beating.

"Look Jack. I'm not 'going through' anything. Just leave it yeah?"

"Oh c'mon, I can see through that mask." He'd soothe, greasy lips sliding into a smirk. "If you ever need to talk, just come by my room, it's always open to you beautiful."

"And anything else with a pair of tits." I scoff without turning back to him. I shudder as I consider what he's proposing. I feel like I need a shower, but there's no time. It's time for some more 3DMG training and I'm paired with Eren. This would only end badly. Our competitive streaks didn't go well together.

As predicted a competition ensues and a bet is made. Why did we do this to each other?

I land at the same time as Eren after our race, the sun was just setting as we both knelt to the ground in breathless laughter. Now no one had one, so we both had to forfeit. We shared a look of dread but knew there was no getting out of it. We had three days leave coming up and so recovery from a heavy night of drinking would be easily done. No one was going to be able to chicken out.

"Well… I guess we need to see what Mikasa and Armin came up with…" I say unhooking my gear as he does the same, he winces and shakes his head.

"Why did we ask them to determine the forfeit?"

"I'm pretty sure it was your idea genius."

"Hmm, no I think we're both morons." He puts a hand to his face and laughs, "Still, I bet you're hilarious when you're drunk."

"I'm fucking hilarious when sober thank you very much." I pout and he rolls his eyes, I turn and bump into the Captain who look down with distaste. His grey eyes flick between me and Eren, before settling on me, where they hold and burn a little.

"So who won the bet?"

Dammit, how did he find out? Eren's just looking at the ground, shuffling his feet a bit. Letting me handle this then friend? Thanks. I turn back to the Captain and attempt an apologetic smile, but my lips just kind of warp a bit oddly.

"We um… both did?"

"So now you both forfeit." There's almost a smirk. "Idiots." He turns and begins to walk away. I turn to Eren and we share a breath of relief. That could have been messy, or in fact very clean if we were sent on cleaning duty for our entire leave.

We all go and change before meeting in the mess hall again. I can hear them downstairs chatting away as I pull my hair back into a tie, my red fringe sweeping my eyes as I smooth down my civvies and reach for the door. I pause and look to my calendar. I had been so focused on training, and then the bet with Eren I hadn't noticed. It was my birthday. I reach out and grab the red ribbon, tonight's a special night. I wrap it round my wrist and smile, perhaps it was time to turn this day into a celebration? For thirteen years it had been only a marker for my failings at keeping my promise. But now that promise was kept. And now Keza was with me too. I kiss the ribbon and head downstairs to settle a bet, and have some fun. It was a commodity in short supply.

"So basically me and Mikasa decided to keep it simple." Armin says placing a rather large bottle of clear liquid on the table. I shrink back. That's moonshine. No mistaking it.

"Where did you—?"

"Hanji wanted to see what would happen." Explains Mikasa, gesturing to the glasses bearing lunatic who had suddenly appeared. Notebook in hand with pen at the ready.

"I wanna see how my home brew affects you kids."

"Cheers Hanji." I laugh, I haven't have a proper drink since before joining up. As an older recruit than most, I was more practised in the art of drinking. "I hope we give you an interesting study."

"You h-haven't put anything else in that have you Hanji?" Eren is staring at the liquid with wide eyes. The woman gasps and looks offended. I don't know why; it's exactly what is to be expcted of her.

"Of course not!" And then she makes a note. I laugh and share out the glasses provided, six small tumblers each.

"Shot till we drop?" I ask Mikasa and she nods without a word. I look to Eren and begin to pour generous shots into each tumbler. I know this is going to end with a bastard of a hang-over but as I glance around at the expectant faces of our friends, I laugh and decide I'll enjoy the hang-over. Sign of a well enjoyed night. I take the first glass in my hands and raise it up, everyone else does the same, waiting for me to speak.

"Well here we go people, be prepared for a fuck-tonne of slurring. But…" I look around with a slight blush, "Can I just say? Thanks for being here guys, sounds stupid but… well… today's my twenty-first birthday and I can think of no better a bunch of folks to spend it with."

They all cheer and clinks ring out through the room. I touch my glass to Eren's and the carnage begins. It's like liquid fire as it slides down but it then spreads out through my body and I sigh. I remember the sensation and kiss my ribbon again.

"C'mon slow pokes, this is only the first round." Jean sits down at the head of the table and drums his fingers as he swigs from a bottle of something. I think its wine. We down the other five shots and I giggle as the room swims beautifully around, lanterns melt into orbs of sunlight and my friends are swirls of love. Shit, this was hitting me harder than I expected.

"What's with the ribbon?" Eren touches it and I jump a little, his hands are freezing. Jean pours our next round of drinks as fiddle with the rough knot I fastened the ribbon with. "You've never worn that before."

"Never been here on my birthday." I smile and tilt my head, wondering why it was Birthday's always made people nostalgic. It wasn't something I felt often, but this ribbon represented a bright point in my past. And it was beautiful. "Me and my friend Keza share these. We stole it from a silk trader and cut it in half, one for her and one for me."

"Where is she now?"

"Somewhere safe. But we said we'd always wear these on our birthdays, we can wear them whenever we want really… but we _have_ to wear them on our birthdays. Stupid I know… but it's a link to something good that happened in the past."

"A little stupid, but not very." Laughs Jean and he sets the bottle down. "Suits you."

I raise my glass to him and the next round begins. I can hear Hanji muttering and scribbling, her glasses flashing in the lantern light. I turn to her as the final glass is emptied. She leans in.

"What is it kiddo? Feeling it yet?"

"It's more that I can't feel my hands…" I snigger and point at her notepad. "What-exashly are you looking for?"

"I've only ever drunk this with… other people. So I just wanted to see how you two handled it. After all Eren has a singularly individual biological make-up, and you're just… well you're you."

"That I am." I turn to Eren and we laugh, his left eye is a little closed and I tap his forehead. "You feeling all right there Jeager?"

"Mm? Good yeah… next round. I'm not-shloosing to you again. Rookie."

"Ha! Then try opening your eyes Titan boy."

"Touché."

"Never mind my ass mister, none of your concern."

Apparently Hanji gets the joke as she snorts into her notepad. Eren is frowning for about a minute in silence as he tries to decipher my words; then it slips into place and he laughs. I roll my eyes but see a new figure has sat at the table. Armin looks nervous as the person sits next to him.

"You better go get another one of these shitty glasses. Although why you're giving this stuff to the brats I don't know. Erwin won't be pleased."

"Erwin's greedy. Right, I'll go search out another bottle. Don't steal it all shorty."

"Fuck off glasses."

Captain Levi reaches out and grabs the bottle, pouring himself a generous measure into his own glass before handing it back to me so I can continue refilling me and Eren's glasses. I'm sure it's just my imagination, but I'm sure our measures are getting bigger as this goes along.

"Oh and by the way, brat?" We all turn but the Captain holds his cup up before nodding at me and taking a long gulp. "Happy Birthday. You're fucking old for a rookie."

Everyone is staring, but I raise my glass in response and down it.

"But not the oldest one here."

"But definitely the shortest." He takes another gulp and I feel myself blush. The laughter surrounds me and I pop my lips. I couldn't really argue with that. I wait for Eren to catch up and then we resume our game. By the time Hanji has returned we're in need of that next bottle. She sits down with a pout and pushes her own glass our way.

"You made me miss some notes shorty."

"Fuck off glasses." He mutters into his cup, eyes watching the table intently.

Me and Eren tap hands to signal a breather. At the moment we're completely even again, no one is wavering and no one is slowing up.

"Eren?" I say shaking my head to clear my vision, he blinks slowly at me. "Please don't tell me we have to do another forfeit if we both finish this forfeit at the same time."

"G-god no…" and he belches really loudly. We all laugh, though when seeing the disgusted look on Captain Levi's face we halt it. He had to be drunk, Hanji had gone and got another bottle, seeing the thirsty faces around the table. The Captain had drunk at least a third. He had to at least be tipsy. And yet he remained so uptight? I wondered what it would take to loosen that man's cravat. It's totally the drink, and I'll likely get my face shoved into the table top, but I reach over and nudge the Captain's cup with mine. He's been swirling it in the air for the past five minutes. As though it were a fine wine.

"Savouring are we?"

"Hardly, brat." he droles before upending the glass. Holding my gaze as he slams it down, grabs another bottle and refills the glass to the very top, not spilling a drop. I chuckle and look back to Eren who looks very confused.

"Shall we Eren? Or is this old man about to beat us?"

We share a determined look and finish our latest round.

"Ugh right." Jean says, hopping up from his seat. We look at him drearily. He's also been drinking, but you wouldn't know it. He looks sharp as ever. Then again I doubt my own judgement is up to par at this current moment. "Both of you get up."

We follow the order, both holding ourselves steady with the table top. He walks round and tugs us out of our seats, grabs two empty bottles and holds them out to us.

"Balance them on top of your heads, whosever drops first loses."

"Huh?" grunts Eren, rubbing his eye, "I thought it was—"

"Clearly neither of you is giving up till you've passed out." He puts a hand on his hip, yawning widely. "And I'm too damned tired to keep score, Mikasa went to bed ages ago and I think Armin's asleep over there… somewhere. So yeah, this decides it, then we can just sleep, keeping going, whatever. But at least I don't need to stand by as judge. Go on."

I hold out my hand to Eren and we shake firmly.

Turning back to face Jean we both reach up and place the bottles atop our heads. My whole body goes rigid as I desperately try to find my centre of gravity. But it was difficult as I was doubting the strength of that force of nature, I was sure we were underwater and this was all some kind of trick. I hiccup. No, I would win this. I touch my ribbon and smile broadly as I remember all the nights like this me and Keza had shared, her hoarse laughter mixing with my goofy chortles as we hid on some bars roof. I hoped she was celebrating too, wherever she was.

I chance a glance at the Captain to see how he's doing but find him no longer drinking from his glass, instead he watches me with that same blank expression. I find myself locked into that gaze and wonder what it is that keeps him so closed in. Everyone had a past. But they had tells as to what they were. Captain Levi was a brick wall. Just once I wanted to peer over it. I wondered if I ever would. Then again, why would I ever have the right? I hear a whimper from Eren and there's a smash. Ha! I grab my bottle, slam it onto the table top, keeping eye contact with the captain till I break away to throw my arms up and cheer loudly. Eren holds out a weary hand and we shake strongly. Without much thought I climb onto the table and take my bows.

"Thnk-you-thank-you-itss-sbeen-a-pleassure…" I hiccup and everyone cheers from their seats, barely realising what's just happened. I sit down on the table top, legs crossed as I play with the empty bottles, everything swirling round me as beneath water. The Captain has handed a broom to Eren.

"Idiot. Clean this shit up before one of these shitty brats hurts themselves." Eren does so, but is still smiling whenever he catches eyes with us over at the table. The clean-freak was infallible.

"Poor Eren." I chuckle darkly. "Still, it isn't the winning, it's the taking part that counts."

"Shut up Robyn, and fix your hair. You look like a scarecrow."

"Look in a mirror lanky." I laugh, lying back whilst forgetting the Captain has sat back down again. He's sat back, but he glances my way.

"Well done brat." I look to him and dip my head. "Didn't think you'd make it."

"I wasn't gonna loshe to a little kid now was I?"

"You're not that much fucking older."

"You're the one who called me it."

"No I didn't." He shakes his head and draws from his glass again. I laugh, he's actually drunk. And the only reason I know is by him repeating himself. Ridiculous. "And you do look like a scarecrow."

"Mm…"

Apparently I dozed off for a few hours as when my eyes flicker open most people are sitting sprawled around the room, quietly chatting as they share bottles and giggle into cups. I sit up and find the Captain still sat where he was, another bottle added to his pile as he lays with his head on the table. He had a strange way about him, he was impossible to read. But the way his hair was falling against his closed eyes made me smile, an amazing man really. I lay my head back again and sigh, the family I was bound to by the blood in my veins was gone, but this family, bound by blood spilt, was stronger than ever. I loved them all.

"Well look at this mess."

Almost all of them.

Erwin's voice rang out through the hall at a deliberately high volume. Many cadets shrank back into the shadows despite not doing anything wrong. His blue eyes scanned the room and land on me with distaste. I groan. Shit, was he really about to have a go at me now? And then I consider my question, of course he is. Duh.

" _Shit_ …" I close my eyes and hope he assumes I've drifted off.

"Cadet Sanshi, sit up."

"Yes, sir."

I slowly do so and turn to him, legs still crossed but upright at least. His eyes slowly go over me and gradually narrow as his disapproval grows. I just wait for him to say his piece, seemed the least painful route. His eyes momentarily look to the Captain and then at the snoozing figure of Hanji who I hadn't previously noticed. She's lying across the bench snoring. Notepad firmly under her head.

When he looks back at me he seems to be deciding how to put his words. This probably means I'm not going to like them. I put my hands on my knees and hold tight. The temper is harder to control when drunk, and I think I passed that point a long time ago.

"The issue of whether or not you are fit for field duty has been up for discussion over these past few weeks." I nod. "We have decided you will remain here to train the other recruits whilst Captain Levi leads a team out to make sure our path remains fairly clear to our goal of Jeager's basement."

"Sir, if I may?" I'm thankful to find my speech back to normal, the rest of the room is a blur of colour, but at least I can see him and he can hear me. My nails are already digging into my knees but I maintain a calm expression. "My injuries sustained after Captain Levi tackled me have healed completely—"

"That is not the issue."

"What is, sir?"

"Your rage cannot be risked in the field."

"But sir—"

"Cadet, if that rage should end up aimed at a fellow recruit or even a superior, the entire team would be put at risk." I bite down on my tongue to almost the point of drawing blood. This wasn't happening. I had finally been put on the best squad and now I was being held back because I was too angry?

"Sir, with all due respect, I would never attack a fellow scout. Why on earth do you suspect I would do such a thing?" His eyes flash with anger but I continue, keeping my voice level. "I have only ever slipped once into my rage, and as you well know, I had my reasons. To keep me here as a babysitter seems unnecessary. I can help clear the way of Titans, protecting my team and the long-term goal."

"However it is not your decision."

"Very well, let them die." He steps back a little and I climb off the table, holding his gaze, cold and determined. "You condemn the team to death, sir. Captain Levi has outlined our roles within the formation meticulously, and planned it carefully. To suddenly remove a component could be disastrous."

I see my words sink in, he has to consider this. His fury remains clear to see. The Commander takes a deep breath and I ready my patience.

"I understand your concern but the Captain is more than capable of changing his plans."

"Sir… please…" I feel a lump form in my throat, my eyes don't hold tears but I can tell the Commander has heard my voice crack. A hint of sympathy enters his pale blue stare and I look away. That's the last thing I want to see. "I… may I speak openly sir?"

"Continue Cadet."

"My actions against that convict was the completion of a promise I made thirteen years ago today. Possibly yesterday… depending on the time… anyway, having lived from my eighth birthday with only that promise in mind I now find myself with only one other goal, sir. I have to kill Titans, I have to help humanity in this fight… or else there's…"

I can't say it out loud. That would make the fact, that without the hatred of my father, and the fight against the Titans, I had little left in my life. My ribbon pinches and I sigh. I didn't even know if I'd ever manage to find her again. It had been years. I didn't even know if she was still alive. All I had was my family in these walls, and the fight we shared. The silence is heavy and when his eyes remain unchanged I hang my head and hold my hand to my heart in salute.

"However, sir. I accept and respect your decision, sir. I will remain here and—"

"Dwindle till you have no fight left." My head snaps up as the commander groans and scratches the back of his head. "I admit cadet that you worry me, but I also understand your conviction. You're… well, by all accounts you're a fine soldier. You may go on the expedition."

"Sir, thank you, sir." I clutch my shirt where my hand had been for the salute and he actually smiles at me before turning and leaving.

Whispers begin to float around the hall but ultimately it is silent before there's a grunt and Captain Levi sits bolt upright. Not a hair out of place. What the good god damn would it take to make that man untidy? He sits back with a yawn.

"I'm coming on the expedition, sir. I'll be right there where you had me in the formation plans." I grin and he raises a brow, getting to his feet before storming past me.

"Of course you are, whoever said you weren't? Brat."

* * *

Expedition day dawns and I double-check my gear, this is exactly when I don't need it jamming up on me. We each check our own, then each other's, there was no such thing as being too careful in this situation. Yesterday's training had gone well, everyone made good time and everyone used hardly any gas. It was a clear day and set to be a success. And so naturally my nerves were right on edge. I was hiding it well, didn't want the team knowing how anxious I was. After all it made no sense, I'd been out loads of times. This just happened to be the first time with their squad. I just hoped I didn't let them down.

It was only the small team of us going: Captain Levi, myself, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Jack and Connie too. Me and Jack were the only 'rookie' cadets there, it was quite the honour. But whilst I was humbled to be there, occasionally pinching myself, he was a prick. I don't know what else I had expected, but still it annoyed me. Jack was a good soldier, but I wasn't sure about him in general. His dark eyes were unreadable and his hair was too similar to the Captain, he was clearly trying to emulate the Captain, but he was failing. Instead he just looked creepy. Then again he was good with the fear, and a skilled swordsman. My personal opinion meant little when it came to whether or not a person could help take down the Titans. Which I knew he could, so I just held both my tongue and contempt.

The smaller the group the less likely we were to attract a fresh batch of Titans into the area. All we had to do was check the route to the forest remained as clear as possible. Simple. I climb upon my horse and make sure everything's secured into place. Everyone else seems ready to go, but Captain Levi is having a last minute talk with the Commander in the compound. We all get comfy and wait for our marching orders.

"Why does the Commander always pick times like these for a chat?" groaned Jean, fidgeting in his saddle. I shrug and lean back a little, letting the bones in my spine pop as I wriggle and bend. "God you must be old Sanshi, the hell is wrong with your back?"

"Nothing, it's just musical." I say with a final jolt and a satisfying crunch. They all flinch.

"The hell is your problem Jack?" He looks away, blush deepening. I recall his previous comments towards me. I roll my eyes; the man seriously needed to show himself some more love on a regular basis if me stretching made him horny. Ridiculous.

Ignoring the creep in the corner, I look round the group and feel my pride swell, I was really part of this group. Seemed alien and surreal but I just looked to my saddle, grin plastered over my face. We were about to enter the jaws of danger and death but I felt giddy. Maybe I was mad?

"Nervous?" Eren laughs, frowning at my smile and I give a small shrug.

"Only as nervous as I ever am on these expeditions…"

"C'mon you're braver than that." Scoffs Jack with a flick of his hair. I roll my eyes and shake my head at his arrogance,

"All the bravery in the world shouldn't stop you from being nervous, or respecting the fact that our enemy is damned dangerous. The second I stop being nervous? That's when I'll have lost myself to this madness and fuck that bullshit." I realise I've let myself escalate the conversation and fight back a blush. "Sorry, I'm just saying that we should never get complacent. It isn't a luxury we can afford..."

"Well said." Mikasa nods at me and I return the gesture.

"After all Jack, it isn't so long since the Female Titan came and once again threw everything against the fan."

"Yeah but—"

"Don't try and downplay that Jack seriously," I warn him, my hold on the reins tightening, "Good people were lost when that attack happened. We weren't here so we can't understand the damage done. Don't be a prick."

"I'm not sure he can help it." Mikasa is shooting daggers at the prat who now just looks down at his horse. Probably hoping the world would swallow him whole. I feel bad for turning on him so violently, but to hear him downplay the massacre of that expedition is just beyond my patience threshold. I wasn't there, but I'd heard the stories, seen the faces as they explain what happened. Poor bastards. I look to Eren and he's looking out to the horizon beyond the gate, his knuckles white.

"Can I ask something?" I feel nervous to voice my curiosity but they all turn to me with kind looks and I bite my lip. "What did happen to Annie? I've heard she encased herself in crystal, but never anything else. Do you know?"

I aim the query at all of them. But they just look amongst themselves and shift a little. Either they don't know, can't say, or don't want to? I don't persist, but suddenly my eyes are caught in Eren's and I feel the green swallow me up. It was him who described how she'd been taken down. How he'd taken her down. It was at that point I'd really felt the pain in his voice as he described his confusion. He was so similar to Annie and yet so different, but still he had no answers. Unanswered questions had a way of eating away at a person, and I hated to think of something doing that to Eren. He gave so much, why could the world not give him something back at long last?

"She's being guarded and studied. That's all I know. We still don't know why she did what she did. So really… it's just another question that needs answering." He looks angry, but I know it isn't aimed at me, just the situation. I smile and he breaks from his haze, blushing a little as he looks back to the horizon.

"Thanks. I just wondered…"

"Hey is it true the Commander nearly didn't let you come along?" I nod at Mikasa and she scoffs, "What a moron."

"He's just worried I'll go all bezerka at one of you guys. Say we disagreed or something… mind you I've never had an outburst before… well… before seeing Vincent, so his fear was a little confusing. But ultimately he was just trying to do what was best."

"The mere fact you can understand that makes me glad I changed my mind." I turn pink and look to the Commander who dips his head at me and gives a quick salute. Mikasa sinks a little into her scarf. I return the Commander's gesture and hope my cheeks aren't burning as brightly as I think they are.

"Let's move out." Captain Levi barks and I notice his stern gaze at the Commander. I really don't think he knew about the potential change of plan. I think back to his peaceful sleeping face and push down a smile, he was a hard-ass but I knew there was something human under there somewhere. Maybe. It was a long ride to the main gate, but soon enough we had set out onto the trail and we were all on high alert. Flairs ready and swords thirsty.

 **Hey guys, hope you enjoyed. I don't own AOT. Thanks for reading! More to follow, please like, follow and or review!**

 **Images associated with chapter so far**

 **Deviant are id: Frantastic1993 "Ribbon"**


	4. Delicate Flower

**Disclaimer: I do not own AOT, I just think it's fantastic. This is just me having fun with writing, and hopefully giving you some enjoyment too. Please leave a review to help me know how it's going if you have the time, and to know whether there are any requests for certain scenes. It's good to know what works or what doesn't. Thanks for reading!**

 **Note: potential triggers in this chapter, nothing overtly graphic, but still, warning applied.**

What a fucking mess.

Everything had been fine. Everything was going to plan. Then Jack just had to get too comfortable, throwing jokes left and right as the sunshine beat down. Yes it was calm, yes it had thus far been an uneventful run but that didn't mean it was safe. Out there is was never safe, not really. The first joke had been funny, the second one confusing, but now they were coming thick and fast. Was he trying to annoy the Captain? I watch the Captain remain unresponsive, but there was a definite air of impatience. I wondered how close Jack was to a quick boot to the face. But that was when everything went to shit. I'd been on a lot of missions but I'd never known one to turn south so damned fast.

I turned to tell Jack to put a sock in it, mainly for his own safety, when I felt my gut turn to ice. An abnormal was honing in on all fours, it must've been a sixteen meter easy by the size of its inane face. I called out to the left flank but they were now at too bad an angle to do anything. And then Jack froze. I wanted to kill him myself when he sat there, jaw slack as he stared into the drooling jaws. At that moment I knew, we were fucked.

Levi calls out orders to Mikasa and Jean to help him take it down. He shoots me a look, and I know I have to try and get the moronic Jack out of the way. I'd rather leave him to his own stupidty, for just a second this is my mind-set, but ultimately I obey both my orders, and my moral code. Damn bossy bastards. I turn my horse round and get ready to jump. I sail through the air and land between Jack and the reins he's let slip from his fingers. I wrench them round and feel the air rush past as the teeth of the Titan bite into the bitter ground just behind us. Then there's a flash of silver as the three zip overhead and deal with it. I ride back round to behind the otherwise maintained formation and twist round to slap Jack hard in the face, my own horse now alongside us to allow me to hop back over. I do so as Jack's eyes return to the present and he looks around him with panic.

"That's it moron, wake the fuck up."

"Wha—"

"Get back into formation. Nearly got you and I killed." I ride ahead to where the formation has regrouped and he follows.

"I'm sorry, I didn't see it… I didn't even hear it!"

"Then quit yapping yeah? Less talking, more doing your job."

I make pace with the Captain and he nods. Suddenly the ground is growling at us. Three or is it four? They're lumbering at us, having been attracted by the commotion. The formation breaks as one makes a lunge for us, and there's nothing I can do. My horse rears and I hear its leg snap as the ground ruptures beneath the Titan's foot. Well, shit. I go with instinct and fire my wire up into the fucker's neck and swing round. I watch the dull eyes watch me, taking note of how small I seem in their glazed reflection. Well this was one blood bag it wasn't getting a hold of. I swing round to slice deep into the weak spot. Perfect.

I ride the beast down to the ground and look round to see the other three being dealt with. My horse is gone, left to be demolished by the Titan's falling corpse. Poor thing. And now I'll have to ride with someone else. I then feel a fresh rumble and find myself facing down another sixteen metre monster. It reaches out. I flip back and begin to run, searching for something to zip onto but the land is flat and open. I'm a fast runner but this fat bastard has an ever so slight advantage. His foot slams down in front of me and I flip backwards before firing my line up onto his back and beginning my ascent. It isn't ideal, but at least I'm gaining speed. Suddenly I see Jack swinging in, screaming his face off.

"I got this Robyn!"

But I can clearly see he doesn't. The beasts hand is reaching up for him, about to smash him senseless. Again I'm tempted to leave him to his fate, but soon enough I'm running along to the shoulder joint of the beast and slicing down. The steam bursts out at me and I cringe back as the beast gives a howl, turning to my distraction, but by the time it has I'm gone. I've fired into its neck, swung out in front of it and scooped Jack out the way. I let him fall back to the ground, just missed by the clawing hand. Lucky git. I swing all the way round and am honing in on the weak spot when I feel my wire pulled tight.

Shit.

The air is thrashed from my lungs as it drags me round to dangle over its stinking mouth. I wretch but don't give up. I wasn't about to make this bastard an easy meal. I was a prickly pear. I can hear my team's yells from below, but when they reach me their only echoes of madness. I swing and fire my wire other into its wrist so it can't drop me into its gullet, which it tries to in the next second. My spine is on fire as I'm jolted against my new wire hold. I hang there trying to see straight after the whiplash has decimated my neck. But on I go. I loosen the wire till I can get some momentum, but again the beast catches my wire before I can let it return to my gear. I feel escape slip from my fingers again. But as I look for another way out a flash goes past me, a feral roar echoing out before my wire is suddenly cut and I plummet to the ground. My legs groan with bruising as I run, but then I stop to turn, suddenly frozen in place myself.

Captain Levi swings round, and with his usual prowess goes in for the kill but he's not got a good angle. He shouldn't have gone in. Why the fuck had he even started this dumbass attack? The angle was all damned wrong! I want to call out but don't want to distract him. He swings round like I did but the Titan catches him in its dirty fist. This couldn't be happening. This should be me, or Jack. The beast holds him there as he struggles and as I make to fire my good wire, the Captain shoots me warning look, forbidding me to attempt a rescue. But I could save him. I just need a chance to- And then I hear it, the awful cracking of bone. The Captain's face is contorted into agony; and when the only other expression you've seen on a person's face is complete indifference, that is a terrifying sight. Blood dribbles from his lips and finally his head lolls forward.

I immediately forget that rage-filled look.

Not like this. Fuck that.

My remaining wire slices into the beast's cheek and I adjust my weight to begin the curve. This is going to hurt, but I won't let humanity lose its best soldier because of my failings. I feel my arm crack oddly as I swing out and make the incision. And by some miracle its deep enough and I feel the beast jolt before becoming limp. As it begins to fall I fire my wire again into the tings wrist, zip over, slice its fingers off and hold onto the Captain's straps as we swing towards the ground. We land in a heap. The ground is cold, the heat radiating from the decaying beast behind and making my neck clammy. But I can't move him yet. I get off him and feel myself begin to shiver all over as the out-of-place vulnerable look is laid over my Captain. He's broken. Dark hair cast over his eyes, blood over his parted lips and seeping through his uniform in several places. I take in the image in a second and get to work. Soon enough the others are all around us.

"Is there any more?!" I scream whilst I hold a finger to his pale throat, praying for a pulse to greet me. He looked wrong being so unkempt, so dishevelled. A sign of him being human, and only now that he was dying? No. No he wasn't. I tug off his cravat and hold my hand there, there has to be a damned pulse. There fucking has to be.

"Is he…" I look up with warning at Jack's mumbling.

"Is there anymore you cretin?!"

He shakes his head and I look for confirmation from someone with capability. Mikasa confirms and I finally feel a thump. He's alive. I then start thinking of how to get the Captain back to safety. He was alive, but that didn't mean he was going to stay that way. Unless I could save him.

"Jack get the fuck off that horse and give me your extra belts."

No one questions me as I work like a machine, but my hands are shaking like crazy. This was a lot of fucking pressure for a rookie. I wondered why no one else was trying to intervene. But then it hits me. They're prepared to die, they're prepared to see each other die at any second. But this is something they aren't ready for. There's always meant to be Captain Levi waiting to swing in and mop up whatever they've failed to kill. It's him that saves the day. They may joke about hating him, and even mock his attitude, cleanliness and lacking of height. But really he was their hero. This only makes my hands shake more. Shit. Adrenaline and panic are intoxicating me. But I have to move quickly. I tilt his head back to ensure he can breathe before asking Mikasa to help me bind the Captain's arms and legs into place with the belts. Whatever damage had been done to his bones would hopefully be kept to the minimum by this. I know next to nothing about first aid but it seems a decent attempt. At least I tried. I try not to think in past tense. This wasn't over yet. I then climb onto the horse and hand Eren my extra belts, telling him to strap the Captain to me as securely as he can. I can barely breathe but it should stop the man moving and furthering his injuries.

We hadn't brought a wagon, I didn't know why, but short of turning Jack into a human equivalent this was as good as it was going to get. The whole way back I strain to hear the laboured breathing of my Captain. Just keep breathing dammit. If there was ever a time to be the stubborn, cold eyed asshole you were, this was the time Captain. Don't go and wimp out on me now. I ride the horse right through the base, ignoring any protests from other cadets put on guard duty. It doesn't take them long to notice who it is I'm carrying and they immediately shut it. I ride through the corridors and straight into the hospital where the medics unstrap us and tend to the Captain. I sag to the floor, gulping at air and pushing the fussing nurses off me. Tend to the man actually hurt over there? Y'know the one barely breathing because I failed to make my mark and kill a Titan first time round? Just bring my Captain back from the brink.

"Robyn let me help you."

I turn to snap again at a nurse, but find only the kind face of Eren smiling kindly down at me. I give a shaky nod and let him gently help me up to sit me down on a bed. He's so careful as he begins to undo my straps, I don't know why he's being so delicate with me, but I just strain to see what is happening where the doctors tend to Captain Levi. But I can't see anything past the doctors, and then a nurse pulls the curtain across. My heart speeds up a little.

"He's going to be okay, just stop moving."

"I'm fine."

"You're fucking not, now stay still." The harshness of his voice makes me freeze in place, and I look down to see blood covering the left side of my uniform. What? "It's not a deep wound but I don't want you losing any more blood. I knew this wasn't his blood, saw it on you before you got strapped together."

"When the hell did I get this…?"

"Does it matter? Now lie back or you'll pass out. Just rest a bit and let me clean you up. I'll tell you when he wakes up if you doze off."

"You didn't say if," I mumble as I lie back into the soft mattress and Eren's green eyes crinkle at the corners. It didn't seem to matter how scared or panicked I felt, that smile just made me warm inside. He didn't say if. He really didn't did he?

"No I didn't say if. He will wake up, thanks to you. You saved his life. Now, please rest?"

I nod, but I only doze, keeping a keen ear out for any commotion. Having cleaned me up, I feel Eren take my hand. His hand is cold after he went to wash it. His thumb rubs the back of my hand and I think he lays his head on the bed. He worried way too much about these things. I sometimes had to remind myself, and him, that I was in fact older than him. I joined up after him, but I was older by a couple years. Yet still he managed to coddle me at times. I smile a little, I'd have to return the favour and see how he liked it. And then my smile broadens as I realise how much he'd hate it.

"You fucking scared me Robyn."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, after that you just fucking impressed me. You were stupid to go back in but… shit… its good you did. He's bound up and doing well. The nurse said it wasn't as bad as it looked. He's got six fractured ribs and a broken arm but he's okay. They've stopped the bleeding. You…" a yawn breaks through, "You saved humanities strongest soldier. I wonder what that makes you." I hear him laugh.

"His nanny?" I mumble and he squeezes my hand. "Thanks for cleaning me up Eren… and again, sorry for scaring you."

"Everyone scares me, and you're welcome. It was barely a flesh-wound as it turns out but… I guess it hit the wrong point. How're you feeling? I reckon you lost a decent amount of blood."

"Tired, but not very sore."

"Stubborn… still, get some sleep, its late, I'll come see you tomorrow. Jack needs calmed down, he hasn't said a word, or blinked, since we got back. Damn idiot, but still, better go see how he's doing. Think Jean nearly killed him when we got back… anyway, see you later. _Stay_ in that bed."

With that I bid him goodnight and he leaves after talking with the nurse. I can barely make out his voice though, everything is slipping away and then sleep takes me.

Dreams swirl around me and I feel it all; the fear, the rage, the panic. Hot breath and steam, blood and sweat, screams all around and there it is. The Captain being raised up to those drooling jaws, his bones cracking as his face contorts in agony. There's where the dream freezes and my stomach churns. I want to run away, I want to throw up, I want to do something. But all I can do is stare. But now there's not just my panic over losing humanity it's best soldier, there's not just the rage that I'd let this happen, and there's not just the fear that I've let him down. There's something else entirely. I can't even pinpoint what it is. Its this weird ache in my chest, I've never felt it before and I can't stand it. Damn it hurts. What the fuck is this? My throat constricts as sobs rip from me. Finally the dream moves, in slow motion the Captain's head falls forward. Dead. All because I didn't do my job. I run forward, hand outstretched, but I slip and fall, he's thrown into the gaping jaws. Blood dribbles down the chin of the beast as it throws its head back and laughs. The ache bursts into icy needles that seem to explode from my heart.

"NO."

I sit up and stare ahead into the evening sunset through the window, the nurses nearby run over and paw at me. I brush them off and assure them I'm fine. Just a dream, it was gone now. They wander away, worried glances back at me occasionally. I try to ignore them, a blush on my cheeks. I shake off the dream and all its echoing emotions, and look down to see how my wound is doing. It's gone. I gasp and stupidly search my stomach, like the thing was hiding or something. How long have I been in here? Shit… but then I realise I'm still in my uniform. It can't have been more than a couple days surely? Unless they'd just forgotten to change my clothes. But still, how was I healed?

"Oh good, you're awake!" The thrilled voice of Hanji fills my ears and I turn to her with a knowing look. Coincidence rarely applied. "What?"

"What did you give me? I assume this is your handiwork?"

"It's just something I've been trying out with Eren's blood." But she holds up her hands as I lean forward with anger. "He volunteered and there was little to no pain involved. Calm down. You're as bad as Shorty. Sheesh!"

"Sorry… I don't mean to judge." I swing my legs down and carefully stand up. I'm shaky at first, old bruises aching in memory, but after a few wobbles I seem generally okay. Hanji is watching, making little notes in her book. The woman never stopped experimenting. However my legs do feel like they've been in the same clothes for too long. I shift in my clothing and groan. "How long have I been here?"

"A week."

"A week?!"

"You lost a _lot_ of blood kid, seriously."

"Okay I guess but… ugh, why wasn't my uniform taken off?"

"Well… none of the nurses wanted to go anywhere near you. You kept yelling in your sleep and thrashing around. They wanted to restrain you but…"

"You wanted to observe?" I interject as she gives the slightest of blushes. She gives a small nod and I roll my eyes. "Well I hope you got some decent 'observations' because this is fucking disgusting. I need like five showers."

"You smell fine!"

"Goody? Still feel horrible. Ugh." I shudder and she gives a non-chalant wave of her hand.

"Look on the bright side, thanks to my new serum, the wound healed a good 50% faster than it would have on its own. So you're welcome! You feel icky but you're not bleeding anymore!"

"Thanks Hanji, really, well done on the treatment, but… how's…" I look across to the drawn curtain and I shudder. Fucking dreams needs to stay behind my eyelids. My stomach clenching as they flash into the waking world. She turns to follow my gaze and smiles softly, I feel my panic dim.

"He's doing well, I gave him the serum after seeing it work on you for a day… hope you don't mind being my tester."

"It worked, so I don't mind. As long as I don't turn into a titan if I drop the soap in the shower, we're all good."

"Hopefully not?" She shrugs with a crooked smile. I roll my eyes.

"So is he healed?"

"Not quite, but it's coming along really well. Keep in mind your wound was mainly flesh level, so it's different, but yeah he's good. Go see him if you want, I just came from there. He's as grumpy as ever, but may be glad to see you. He was asking after you too."

"Why?" I pull on my jacket and she shrugs before heading away out the hospital. I sniff at my clothes. I guess I wasn't moving around, so I'm not actually that bad. In that case it may well be safe to go see him, without him gagging at my hygiene. Wasn't my fault. I make my way over to the curtain and pause before drawing it back. This was my fault and it had to be made right. My hand shakes as I reached out.

"Stop dawdling, brat." The voice snaps at me and I flinch. Shit.

"Yes, sir. Sorry." I pull back the curtain and frown as he sits on the edge of his bed, fully clothed with his arm in a sling. Hanji was a miracle worker, but he was still not back to himself. It was subtle but the shoulders weren't quite straight and his eyes were more bruised than usual. I see the pale, drawn face after the attack flash before me, the blood soaked clothes and limp body. I shudder.

"Well spit it out, brat."

"S-sorry. How're you feeling sir?"

"Like shit. Anything else? I hear you got off lightly."

"Yes, sir. I'm fine. Unfortunately you got the brunt of the attack."

"I'll live."

"Yes, sir." I say with a little too much gratitude. "Do you know how Jack is?"

"That idiot is fine." He snarls, lip slightly lifting. Though only slightly. I wonder how fast Jack can run, as soon as the Captain got out of this hospital, I had the feeling Jack was going to take his place. This almost makes me smile.

"I more meant is he snapped out of his daze?"

"He was in shock for a couple days but has been drunk since then. Tch, why the hell would you care? Nearly got you killed."

"If he's better I can go slap the daylights out of him." Was that a smirk?

"See that you do, thanks to him the mission went all to hell."

"And we both almost ended up Titan chow."

"That too. Fucking idiot." He mutters, eyes cast to the side as I think he imagines beating that boy to a pulp. His foot twitches.

"I'm sorry sir, I should have been better with the gear and made the cut with the first jump."

"Not my point cadet. Stop wallowing. It's pathetic."

"Yes sir, tell me has Jack been in to see you?"

"Why would he?"

"Because—"

"Like I said, he's been drunk. But at least he's not being a self-pitying idiot."

I try to speak but look to the ground again, a blush fighting through. I can't let it go so easily, the guilt is latched onto me with claws, and I know it'll take a long time to pry it away. A long time and a lot of persuasion. But I could do better to not show it to the Captain. It obviously annoyed him. I swallow hard and push it down, I could let it out once I got to my room. I look up to reassure him of my state-of-mind but his grey eyes have been watching me. They roll.

"Tch. Look brat, I get that you're tearing yourself up over this but do me a favour and drop it." His grey eyes bore into me and I flinch backwards.

"Sir, of course, sir. Apologies."

"Plus now you have payback right?" again I flinch and look at him with confused eyes. What the hell did that mean? Why did I need to pay him back for? I knew he was an ass, and was hard on everyone. But he didn't seriously think we, as recruits, needed to watch him almost die in order to get an even feeling of justice? He was our Captain, he had to be hard on us. Otherwise we'd be dead. What the hell was he thinking? When I make no response his eyes narrow a fraction and he sighs heavily, impatient at my stupidity clearly. "When I smashed up your ribcage?"

"Sir…" I can't help but take my turn to look to the heavens. That was the last thing I'd have expected of him. Surely that was something he saw as his duty? Probably enjoyed it at the time too. But he's just standing there watching me. "Seriously, that isn't something I consider needing payback for. You had to do something to stop me. Hell if anything you did me a favour, sir."

"I don't get you Sanshi."

"You're not required to sir, just…" I look at him with pleading. "Just please let yourself heal? Sooner you do that, sooner I can stop irritating you with my guilt. Deal?"

"Tch. Get out."

"Sir?"

"I'll be released any minute and don't want your puppy-dog eyes watching my every move. Go get some dinner. That's an order." He adds with a nod.

I give a salute before heading out, glancing back to see him wave over the nurse in order to speed up his release. Stupid stubborn man. Amazingly enough not everyone heals as fast as Eren, even with Hange's serum. Duh.

I leave the hospital and walk about a corridor away, but then it hits full force. I hold onto the wall with a shaky hand but it's too late, I've tipped. My knees buckle and I crumple to the floor, head in hands as guilt crushes me. If I had only been quicker, stronger, better. I hit my hands against my head hard, demanding an answer to why I was so fucking stupid. My skull aches and I know I should stop, this is pointless, but I keep pounding. Fucking moron. I remember it all and know all the things I did wrong, but hindsight was always clearer. The image of the Captain being held in that Titan's clumsy hand, slowly being raised to that inane grin as his bones snap and blood seeps through the immense fingers. It was way too close. All because I couldn't get away quick enough. All because they surprised us. All because Jack wasn't paying attention. Moron.

I hear the door at the end of the hall open and I shoot to my feet, carefully wiping my eyes. I hear a chuckle, a low chuckle with a rasp to it. Jack. My quivering suddenly stops, and I feel like I could rip his spine straight out through his throat. If he hadn't been being such a smart-mouth and spotted the Titan then none of this would have happened.

I knew that blaming him was wrong, we all made mistakes, but the fact he'd spent his time drinking instead of checking in on the Captain? That was beyond reproach. I hoped he'd just walk by, but as we get closer I can see the smug look on his face and feel my temper flare. I hope I'm not about to give the Commander further reason to doubt my control. I knew Jack wasn't worth it, but my fingers itched.

"Evening Robyn."

I hated that he felt he could use my first name, I'd never given him permission to. He'd let me use his, but I didn't like how my name sounded when skidding over that slimy tongue. I dipped my head and made to simply walk past him. Perhaps he was on his way to see the Captain finally, perhaps I had been wrong? I can only imagine the reception he'll be given if he does walk through those hospital doors. Though the Captain would probably be thankful for the efficiency, not having to carry the sorry carcass far for medical attention. I hope it fucking hurts your creintous waste of space.

An arm reaches across my path. He's leaning against the wall with a stupid grin plastered across his oily face. I can smell the wine from here. It's rare to be so disgusted by being proven right. But still I feel myself shudder as he leans a little closer. He is a dick.

"I said, _evening Robyn_?"

"Good evening Jack."

"Where are you off to in such a lovely little rush?"

"To dinner. May I pass?"

"Why such a hurry?"

"I'm hungry."

"I know the feeling…" Was that really supposed to be a line? I watch his brow raise and his attempt at a wink. But he just kind of twitches his eye like his head just had a bad knock. I draw a calming breath and concentrate on my orders from my captain. Go get some dinner. That was what I was doing, I wasn't going to take this slimy git by the throat and ram him against the wall till he apologised for his moronic behaviour. No I wasn't. I was going to be good.

"Look Jack I was only asking to be polite, if I have to I'll just knock you on your ass instead. Let me pass, now."

"C'mon you don't mean that." He looms over me and the wine essence wafts over me, I cringe back and slap his hand down before walking past. "Don't play that card, you showed your hand on the mission, don't deny it."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

I don't turn to speak but feel him grab my wrist. Oh god this ass was going to pay. But before he whirls me round, he trips me up, then holds me against the wall by my throat, a couple inches from the ground. Funny how I thought I'd be the one to kick his ass. But why is he doing this to me? I fucking saved his ass! I barely understand what just happened before he's crushing his lips onto mine, oh god no. He forces his cold tongue into my mouth and moans desperately. Oh this is disgusting. My skin crawls and I frenziedly push back against him. The bastard is strong, I'll give him that. I give up on brute force and bite down hard on his serpent tongue, he yelps and withdraws his face, but tightens his grip on my throat.

"Likes it rough does she? M'kay, let me oblige." He rams his knee between my legs and I grunt as the pain shoots up my spine. My pelvis is on fire and soon it's burning through my whole body. He better not have just paralysed me. My legs still work, they're still frantically kicking. Okay, no paralysis. Just several weeks of discomfort on the loo. Great. He huffs into my mouth. "C'mon you can give me more than that, let me hear you groan for me. Say my name."

A sharp ringing sounds in my ears as my breathing cuts out with his grip and my legs begin to falter in their desperate kicking. I didn't know what had gotten into this ass but I was about to jam my foot there once I got the chance. He slowly unbuttons my shirt. I now wish I smelt bad, that might've at least deterred him a little. Maybe.

" _Can't-breathe-bastard…_ " my vision blurs and I feel his hot breath by my ear. My mind warps, merging the present with the past, but I fight it. This was no time for nightmares. This was fucking happening now.

"Just behave like a good girl."

Oh fuck this.

He's about to swoop in for another saliva fest when I jam my fingers in his eye and finally feel his grip release. I gasp and splutter.

"Go sober up you prat! Ugh… gross…"

"So first you save me, then you refuse me? You're just a fucking tease you know that?" He grabs my hair and wrenches me back, my spine arched, his stinking breath wafting against my face. "All big eyed and bending over for the Lance Levi but when it comes to someone your own rank, nah? Fucking slut."

"Jack…" I wheeze, hearing the door far off open, he looks away for a moment, "Fuck you."

I push up, grab his hand, twist it behind his back, throw him to the floor and kick the back of his head. Blood spurts from his nose and he face-plants onto the opposite wall before falling to the ground, groaning but unconscious. I can't deny how good that feels, I almost feel giddy except for my burning throat and body. Ow. I can hear running footsteps but can't see who it is yet. I steady myself on my wobbling knees and gulp for air. Damn it, my throat burns. This was not a good week for me, or my temper. Didn't these assholes get the whole powder-keg deal? Handle with caution! Not hey needy pervy bastard leeches, come have a smooch.

"Robyn what the hell…?" the footsteps slow. I stand up, leaning back as my lungs finally refill.

The Captain stares at me, arm in sling as he looks between me and the limp Jack currently drooling over the floor. He then looks me up and down and his jaw clenches just a fraction. What was wrong with him? The draft makes me shiver. Oh bugger. I look down and quickly do up my shirt, it was down to my damn belly button, scars and everything on show. Of all the people to come along, the Captain was going to start thinking I was nothing more than a fucking victim. I clear my throat and dip my head, he mirrors me and waits.

"Nothing I couldn't handle sir." I sound like a chain smoker, I clear my throat inelegantly.

"Elaborate cadet. Now."

"Before I do. Can you let me go get someone else to cart this cretinous shit-stain, pardon my language, to the cells?"

"Excuse me cadet?"

"I can't stand too close to him for much longer before turning him into a woman, sir. I really am trying to be good here, and not put him in the hospital."

I begin to back away but the Captain holds out a hand, eyes closed as he tries to comprehend what I'm saying.

"You mean to tell me he tried to—"

"Oh he gave it a damn good shot, but he's stinking drunk sir and didn't exactly get far," I double check that I managed to do up my buttons correctly, but when I look back up I see a flicker of rage cross the Captains face. Emotion? "Captain?"

The next thing I know he's turned round, kicked Jack onto his back and begun pounding his boot in between the rookie's legs, a pleasant crunching noise emitting with every strike. It's annoying, but my instincts send me forward to hold the Captain back. I barely manage to do so, but plead into his ear as he growls.

"Sir please, he's… well he's definitely had enough now." The Captain shrugs me off harshly, making me stumble as he continues to growl as he looks to me with similar rage.

"Are you all right cadet?"

"I'm fine sir!" I hold up my hands and spin on the spot, the tension was very uncomfortable and the Captain did not need this kind of fuss. "If he had managed to do something we'd be having to scrape him off the floor. You know that."

The Captain wipes the sweat from his brow and nods, face back to its usual blank self.

"Please, sir. Just... come with me, and we'll get someone to come throw him in shackles."

"Don't suppose he's going anywhere." He says, spitting down at the mumbling mess. I wonder how far he'd have gone if I hadn't held him back. There was a need for violence in the Captain that I'd always heard of, but only ever seen hints of when out on mission. Having now seen a fraction of it first hand, I fully understood his reputation. I think I just saved Jack's pitiful life for a second time. What a stupid woman I was.

As we walk along in search of someone capable of lifting the puddle of Jack to the cells, I notice the Captain has a slight limp. Well shit, this was hardly a good start to his recovery. I can't help but laugh,

"I'm so sorry, sir, it's one thing to have to deal with danger outside the walls, but now you'll be paranoid about us all in here too. Bloody mad world."

"Tch, you apologise for the stupidest things. Fucking animal should be—"

"Sir, please, you don't need this aggro. What you need is rest."

"Don't tell me what I need, Cadet."

"Really, it's a damn good thing he decided to take a liking to me rather than... I dunno… someone less able to fight him off… like that wee Sandra girl or something…"

He huffs and shakes his head.

"You've just been assaulted Cadet, and you're glad it was you instead of someone else. You're infuriating."

"What? At least I was able to fight the bastard off. Better that than him picking someone who couldn't. Hey!"

I run up to Jean and Connie, leaving the Captain behind to hopefully cool off. It was nice that he was protective of us all, but he really needed to remember we weren't porcelain dolls. Mind you, as soon as I explain what's happened to Jean and Connie they start pawing at me to make sure I'm fine. I push them off and remind them of the pressing issue. Asshole in need of a cell. Where this idea came from that I'm some delicate flower, I have no idea, but I make them focus and go get Jack where he needs to go. Then the Commander could deal with him.

I stand alone and take note of my shaking hands. Dammit woman, you were fine. The Captain turns and leaves with them, glancing back at me before disappearing through the doors. I could be wrong, but I think I see disdain there in his look. Then again it's like trying to find sugar in snow with that man's expressions.

I head towards my room, determined to sleep and have this day put firmly in the past. But as the scene replays in my mind I feel my skin begin to crawl all over again. Disgusting. I run through to the showers and turn the water on scalding. I scrub till my skin is raw and eventually feel clean, almost.

With my skin tingling I go to my room in my towel and immediately get under the sheets after locking my door. I lie there and enjoy the quiet, only my heartbeat breaking it. I was fine, it was over, I was fine. It was by no means my first encounter, having lived on the streets since turning eight, safety had been difficult to come by. Then again it was how I learned to fight so I couldn't really complain. None of the perverts had ever succeeded so it could have easily been worse.

I feel my muscles twinge, and I groan into my pillow, they need to let off some steam. I feel so tired, yet know I need to decimate something.

There's a knock at my door and I wait for whoever it is to state their business, I feel fine, but in no mood to socialise.

"The Commander wants to see you Sanshi, now." It's Captain Levi of course, but he does at least sound like he's calmed down. There's another knock, it's a bit harder than the previous ones. "Answer me, brat."

"Sorry… yeah I'll head down in a minute, just… changing."

"Hurry up. I'll wait."

I roll my eyes at his babysitting and quickly change into civilian clothing. When I open the door he looks at me carefully, but remains stoic as usual. I'm quite proud that there's no tears or panic for him to study. This time I wasn't in need of his care, not this time. I suppose he had expected me to be blubbering into my pillow. No luck mate, you aren't getting to look after me again then remind me of that every time I look at you. Eventually I'll show I'm still a soldier. Crying isn't what I need to do right now. Kicking the shit out of something is.

I only hope this isn't about to be the Commander becoming worried about my temper. That would likely tip me over the rage edge. Considering the circumstances I acted as calmly as possible. Had I really gone for it they'd have been still searching for all Jack's bits. Surely they realise this?

I walk into the office and sit down, Captain Levi remains on the far wall, leaning there, watching me. The Captain totally thinks I'll downplay it doesn't he? That's why he's stood there watching me. The Commander doesn't say anything other than a request for the whole story. I remind myself to stay calm. He's probably just waiting for me to lose it. I keep eye contact with the Commander and tell him every detail, each making his blue eyes tighten a little as he holds the pen a bit tighter. These guys really were angry. I hoped Jack liked punishment, I had the feeling the Commander's boot was aching to have a go at that boys face. As I list off the things that occurred the Captain's foot twitches.

"Do you wish to press charges cadet Sanshi?"

"Oh yes please. Keep that pervert away from the other girls if nothing else." He nods and notes this down, I then look at my hands and notice them sitting in my lap with white knuckles. I really needed to see that punching bag. If I was going to go bezerk I'd do in privacy, on my terms, not with these two watching me.

"May I go sir? I really need to see a punching bag and imagine Jack's face on it."

"Of course Cadet. But please, if you need to, come and knock at my door any time. This isn't something I expect you to shoulder by yourself. I realise you showed extreme restraint when defending yourself."

"Thank you, sir. But really I think I just need to um… pardon my language, but I just need to kick the shit out of something, having shown saint-like restraint…"

"I completely understand Cadet, please, carry on. Oh and Sanshi?" I turn at the door, aware of Captain Levi still staring at me from the wall. "Good work in the field. The Captain was telling me that he'd be dead had you not reacted so quickly."

"I assure you he's exaggerating, but thank you, sir. Good night."

Captain Levi had said that? In fact, no, that wasn't the weirdest part. He had admitted that I had saved him? I snorted, more like the Commander asked the other recruits what happened and he had it confirmed by a reluctant Captain Levi. He was probably just trying to wind up his Captain. Short man and shorter temper. Was probably a lot of fun to wind up, if you were in a position to allow such mischievous intent?

I walk into the abandoned gym and leave the door ajar as my light source. I don't want the bright light, just enough to see where I'm punching. I shrug off my jumper and stand there envisioning the punching bag into my victim, his greasy lips, his stinking breath. This would be fun. But as I do my legs wobble at the memory of his strength. Shit. I slowly draw in my breath and steady my nerves. It was only natural for a wobble. But that was it, one was all I was getting.

I kick the hell out of the punching bag hanging there, I must've been going at it half an hour straight. I smash into it again and again till my leg feels like it's going to break. I taste metal on my tongue as I pant, but don't let up for a moment. My hair comes out of its tie and falls over my face as I huff and growl.

"Think you can use me?" Smack; dust begins to puff from a split seam, "Think I'm your play thing? Think you can throw me around however you like? I'm not here to entertain you. No you little shit, no, I'm not yours. I'm not any ones. Y'hear? No ones!" The bag falls the floor in a deflated mess, dust all around as it accepts defeat. I watch it slowly settle as angry tears brim my eyes and begin to fall. But I won't let it win, I won't let this win against me.

I go over to the next punch bag and start again.

"Fuck you and your threats, I'm not about to let another man rule my nightmares. Pathetic. Little. Weasel. Rot in hell. I hope you hit, every damn stone on the way down. You fuck up our mission, get everyone in danger and nearly get the Captian killed. You. Fucking. Moron."

I stop and hug the bag as my muscles scream at me, my knees sag and I fall to the ground, panting heavily. Blood drips from my hand. A chuckle rises up and I let my head hang back as the laughter bubbles tiredly out of my mouth. I know where my mind is going and I can't stop it. It runs full pelt through the locked doors, ripping down the chains and bars till finally I'm stood in front of that burning husk of a house all over again. Embers fly around me and I bid farewell to childhood. The smoke fills my lungs and I can barely see but still I stand and watch. Maybe they'll come out? Maybe this is all a dream? I shudder as the past infects my mind.

"You're fucking dead Vincent and yet here you are, ruling my damned life."

I want to forget this shit. I'm sick of it. I hop up and begin another deluge on the innocent inanimate object. Blood spatters over the bag but I keep going, a deep growl in my chest. This cycle had to end. No one had known, everything had been normal around here. And now suddenly I was turning into that pathetic little girl holding onto ashen cuddly toys. Asking her mother to get up. Asking her to wake up. Asking where she should go. I choke on sobs but keep hitting back, I keep fighting it. And there he is, stood on the other side of the burning house, watching it decay into ash. His dead eyes look at me and I run. I turn tail and vanish into the city where he never finds me again.

"Ha, ha, you didn't like it either did you? I said no to Daddy and Daddy didn't like that. Daddy wanted to treat his big eight year old girl, time to become a real woman. But you showed me right? You gave me my other present, you sliced them up right in front of me and then left me to burn. Ha, ha, what else did I expect? But looks now _Daddy,_ look who's rotting in the ground. I kept my promise to my mother. I. Fucking. Did."

I stop, the bag swings limply and I scream out into the nothingness. It soon turns to laughter though, and I howl into the shadows.

"S-so why is it I can't stop this anger… Did you have to give that to me? Did you have to make me a monster? Did you!?" The dark offers no answer and I cackle away. My mind, body and soul, all aching. "Well I guess… at least I'm a monster killing the other monsters. One by one, they'll fall in the dirt, they'll all fall. I'll fucking win eventually."

I give one last kick as I swing round, sending another punch bag flying across the room to crash into the weights.

"Cadet Sanshi."

I freeze. You have got to be kidding me? My heart hammers in my chest, sweat drips down my forehead and spine, whilst my knuckles seep blood. I look for somewhere to run, I wonder if I can dig straight down through the floor. It can't be that thick. No, there is no escape. He'd just chase me down and kick the shit out of me for being mad again. Finally the echo dies down and I turn to face my Captain with a straight faced salute. I was a mess, but at least I was a ferocious mess? Surely that helped.

"Tomorrow you will meet me for combat training. It's a new month long regime the commander is instating for all the Cadets."

"Sir, you can't fight like tha—"

"Don't fucking interrupt me, brat. I'll be verbally instructing you."

"Yes, sir."

"Now go get cleaned up, you look disgusting."

"Obviously, sir."

 **Disclaimer: I do not own AOT. I hope you guys are enjoying this, please like, follow or even review. Would really help me know what works and what doesn't. Thanks!**

 **I know you'll be getting sick of this, but I'm uber pleased with the pic i managed to draw for this chapter. The mission XD I plan to do more for this chapter as its so long, but for now I'm pretty happy! Deviantart id: Frantastic1993 "Mission"**


	5. Unhinged

**Disclaimer: I do not own AOT, I only own the storyline and my OC Robyn. I'm just having fun and hopefully providing some entertainment along the way!**

 **Please review, follow or favourite if you have the time. And be sure to let me know of any requests. It's good to know what works or what doesn't.**

 **Thanks for reading!**

Hand to hand combat is a strength of mine. I know this. But it's been a month, and it's the same thing in and out, all day and well into the night. Captain Levi is relentless in his drilling of me but I figure there must be a reason. Maybe he wants to know I can consistently defend myself. Maybe he doubts my ability as a soldier that much. Understandable, I'd hardly shown myself as capable recently. Everyone who heard about the Jack incident has basically avoided me, not knowing how to act. Except those that know its lucky the boy survived. Eren looked beyond furious when he found out, but he just hugged me tightly, burrowing his head in my shoulder. An adorable idiot he was.

Jack was still in the cells on base, the military police saw it as a minor incident and suggested we put him with the rest of the convicts on site. Quite frankly I don't think they believed the report. The Commander was less than impressed, and whilst I assured him it wasn't an issue, the Commander sent Jack to the cells. Not for my protection, but for Jacks. The Commander was well aware of what might happen if I bumped into the cretinous wanker. And blood was a bugger to clean. I was unable to hold back the hint of pride I felt when the Commander explained this. They were keeping him in the cage, but it was him they were protecting. Every time I think of this I laugh a little. And the Commander groans with a roll of his eyes.

It's a hot day and I peel off my shirt as sweat pours off me. My undershirt is still slightly non-see through, but I'm less concerned about my dignity and more concerned about getting that sopping shirt off me.

Usually the cadets only fight each other, but today, the hottest day for weeks, Captain Levi is in the ring. Bloody typical really. Having been cleared for active duty he seems eager to relieve some stress. Over the course of the day he puts everyone through their paces, testing their skills against his inhumane technique. Now it's my turn – but it has been since noon. I knew he wanted me fit to defend myself, but this was getting both tedious, and annoying, now.

The sun finally bows over the horizon and I feel the heat seep away from the world. Thank fuck. My vest is now also drenched, and I unfortunately can't strip to my bare flesh like the lucky guys. Well I could – but it doesn't seem like the best idea. I'd just end up gaining an unfair advantage. Then again it was the Captain, I doubted such things affected him. I remember his words from the shower room. Don't flatter yourself. But still, I hold onto my dignity and deal with the wet material that clings to my flesh. Ew.

Usually I dominate in this ring and many outright refuse to fight me these days; my main competitors are Mikasa and... well it's just her really. But when fighting someone like Captain Levi, it's hard not to feel completely useless most of the time. Again and again he trips me, flips me, and immobilises me. A new smirk appearing each time for just a second before he quickly looks bored again. Bored of my incompetence. The only thing stopping me yelling at his smirk is the fact I know he's holding back, I know he can hit harder than this. My ribs ache at the memory of how he mangled them. But still I have to beat him. He's shown such investment in me, I don't want to let his perception of potential go unfounded. I get a couple good hits on him though. And he looks just a touch infuriated every time I do. That made up for the otherwise dismal day. Almost.

The stars begin to emerge in the post-twilight sky, and dark clouds have begun to gather. The other trainees are dispersing as the day of training ends. Yet we carry on fighting. He hasn't dismissed me, and I was damned if I was going to ask to stop. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I wait till he makes a dash forwards and duck to grab his leg and try to send him to the floor, but he just kicks off my leg and flips upright before bringing his leg down on my back and sending me into the mud.

"Shit…"

"That's enough Levi." I could have kissed the Commander full on the lips right there and then. If I could see through the mud, or even reach his lips. Damn man was a giant. Although a giant with fabulous eyebrows. I hear his subordinate grunt.

"Commander you put me in charge yes? I'll train my Cadets how I like."

I've cleaned my face on the bottom of my shirt but watch in disbelief as the Commander rolls his eyes and walks away with a shake of his head. Well thanks for nothing blondie! I of course show nothing on my face, except perhaps contempt for this ninja bastard drilling me into the ground. I look after the Commander for a moment, hoping that blonde head will turn round and demand this be finished. I can't admit it, but I'm burning all over, my muscles can't take much more of this. The Captain is a machine, relentless and apparently tireless. But when the Commander doesn't turn round I give in, flick a bit of mud from my shoulder, and continue. I ignore the pain as I focus on my task. But Captain Levi just grabs my foot and swings me round and against the ring barrier which splinters as I smack against it.

"Gah… fuck…" I lean on my knees, and welcome the soft falling of rain, its barely drizzling but it feels amazing as it tickles my searing flesh. I lean back, my spine giving little pops. I wipe blood from my lip and watch him circle me, grey eyes watching intently. What our sweat hadn't already accomplished, the now insistent rain turns the flimsy undervests completely see through.

I become overtly aware of the Captain's state of dress.

He looks like a weapon as the moonlight shines down on him, like the barrel of a gun, loaded and ready to unleash hell. Damn that was distracting. But along with the slight heat running across my cheeks, I consider the cold fact that I clearly still have so much to learn. I look down at myself, I'm lean enough but look more like a cardboard slingshot left out in the rain. Rookie. The man is nothing but muscle. It was stupid really.

"Y'know if you're trying to prove that you're a better fighter than me… Captain… I don't know who you're trying to convince. I know you're better, so why the persistence?"

"Really brat?" He's suddenly out of sparring position, standing tall(ish) and lean against the ring boundary. "You've been holding back the entire day. Don't think I haven't noticed."

I push off my knees, unable to avoid looking at him in disbelief, my breathing still forced.

"Excuse me? Thanks very much, I was giving my best—"

"I've seen your best. That was not it."

The rain gets heavier still and I shake my head, jaw clenched as my teeth are momentarily bared in irritation. He knows what he's asking and I can't believe that he is. I have the Commander in one ear telling me to keep a lid on my rage, and my Captain telling me to unleash the beast? The two needed to make up their collective decision. The Captain folds his arms across his defined chest, tilting his head with an arrogant smirk, grey eyes flashing in the dim light.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, brat."

"So you want me to gouge out your jugular vein and bite off half your ear? Or beat the stuffing out of you and break your seams?" I put my hands on my hips and take note that his eyes give me a quick once over. Something new is in his eyes and I feel a warmth in my gut. This is stupid. I shake my head again and grimace. "No offence meant here, of course, sir. But you're a fucking psycho if you want me to give into that again... All due respect, _sir,_ but I'm done."

Sod not giving him the satisfaction. My pride wasn't worth getting chucked out of the regiment by the Commander. Maybe that was the Captains goal? Get me chucked out and put somewhere safe like the Military police. Not out of concern for my well-being of course, but so he didn't have to babysit me. Yeah, that made sense. Too bad I wasn't up for playing his games.

I jump over the railing but his hand grabs my wrist and holds me where I land.

When the hell did he move across the ring? And without slipping in the mud?

"Don't you want payback, brat?"

I groan, unable to believe he is still going on about that. Ever since he took me down and pinned me to that floor he's felt guilty, it seems ridiculous when applied to the Captain. But his relentless need for me to have my payback? It could only mean that surely. It was stupid and misplaced. It was a good three months of wallowing he'd done by this point. And he has a go at me for guilt tripping? I see it now, it's almost impossible to see but I see it's there for just a lick of an instant.

The shine in his eyes is desperation?

Why they hell does he need my forgiveness so badly? I tug my wrist away from him and shove him back, he doesn't move of course. Brick walls don't yield to brats.

"Now who's wallowing? You did what you had to do, there's no payback, or forgiveness needed."

"Who said anything about forgiveness?" He hops over the fence as I make my way towards the main building. I can hear him coming after me and I quicken my pace, slipping a little in the newly made mud. "Brat stop right there."

"What is this shit...? Sir." I add with a frown, but he just stands there staring. "Seriously? Why're you still pushing this? I need no payback, you only did what you had to do. It hurt like hell but so what? I healed, it's what humans do."

"Who said anything about forgiveness?" He asks again with a weird tone. I tilt my head.

"Isn't that the whole reason behind all this? You looking after me when I was hurt, teaching me since then, helping with my training and all that? Maybe even why you put me on your damned squad?"

"Seriously?"

"Well I don't know, sir! I can read you about as well as I can fight you. But I guess you feel guilt? If you do? Don't. You don't owe me and I don't owe you. Sir."

"You're a fucking moron."

"And you're a fucking maniac." I say it and instantly regret it, his eyes narrow and he marches towards me. I lean back but stand my ground, and prepare for a fresh sending to the ground.

"Yes I am." He growls.

I back away, he matches every step till I'm backed against the wall. His grey eyes are on fire as they remain fixed on mine. He slowly edges in closer. What was he doing? My heart's doing a gallop as I feel his warm breath against my lips, all the while he just stares mercilessly. What the hell is happening? Was he drunk? He doesn't smell drunk, just of him, but musky from training. The warmth returns to my gut. I watch him continue to edge closer, his eyes flickering between my eyes and my lips. This was surreal. Was I drunk? Bit by bit he's getting closer and the wall is hard against my back as I desperately think of what to do. This could only end badly. Either he was having a meltdown and would only recover to kill me, or I was having a meltdown and imagining this whole thing. Was I actually still in the ring, jabbering to myself with mud over my face? Was the breath tickling my lips actually a horse peering down at me, considering the strangeness of humans?

My lips tingle as his breath tickles them.

" _Robyn_."

He barely whispers it but it makes me shudder nonetheless.

I pinch my arm.

Ow.

Shit. This is real. He's actually doing this. There's a tugging sensation on my heart, it's been there since he trapped me against this damned wall. A kind of gravitational pull, encouraging me to lean in and close, the now, fraction of a gap. I open my mouth to speak, his lips also part as they hover and brush against mine gently, our breath combined. Suddenly he stops, tensing his arms as he leans against the stone. His eyes widen a little, and he seems to stare right through me.

"I-I should've protected you."

What?

"I should've… on the mission… then… then Jack…"

I can't even tell if he's talking to me anymore. Every word brushes against me and I feel myself give into the pull. I don't know if it's to satisfy the ache in my chest, or to try and comfort the wild look in his eyes. But before our lips properly meet he jumps back and I feel the warmth rip away. The pull on my heart gives a sharp wrench and I wince, it's painful dammit. The thirst remains in his eyes but he attempts to recapture his natural expression. Before I can say a word he turns and walks through the door, his jaw and fists tightly clenched.

And he's gone.

I look around and pinch myself again, harder, to the point that I think I may draw blood. I don't wake up in bed? I swallow hard and lean against the wall as the rain pours over me. I'm definitely awake and that was real. Yup, I'm definitely mad.

"The fuck… just happened?" I breathe as I concentrate on the cold of the rain. It helps with the burning hum of my thoughts. What was that maniac up to? Was he trying to give me heart palpitations, I put my hand to my chest and give a soft, shaky laugh. He succeeded. But this made no sense. We were fighting, we were training. So where did that 'almost' kiss come from? Why had he even got that close to me? I'm just a useless brat he's trying to train. My mind fizzes.

Suddenly Hanji appears from round the corner, cloak held over her head as she runs towards me through the mud. Please don't notice me, please? I wonder if the wall wouldn't mind swallowing me up, just for a second. I just need to sort my thoughts out. Somehow. But I'm dealing with a mess beyond comprehension. I've not been knocked through a loop, I've been sent careering through a spiral vortex. She notices and stops, skidding to a halt in front of me with those glasses flashing in the moonlight before it hides behind a cloud. Stupid wall.

"You all right there Robyn? Levi tired you out?"

"Yeah..." I laugh scratching the back of my neck.

"Well come on Kiddo, I'm starving!"

Thankfully her hunger overpowers her curiosity and I follow her inside, knowing she'll only question me if I linger out in the rain instead.

I ignore the overly interested looks of the male soldiers, very much aware that my shirt is still see-through, and head towards Eren's table. There he, Armin, Mikasa and Jean are having coffee together and laughing away. I stride over quickly and sit down, staring at my hands. They're shaking again. I think I'm shivering all over, but that was most likely the cold rain. I feel like asking them if they can see me, do I have two heads?

"Was wondering where you got to, dinner's been cleared away. We did wait but… Robyn?" Mikasa puts a hand on my shoulder and I jump, looking up with a smile. The whole table is watching me closely, taking note of my drenched appearance, looking amongst themselves in concern. To be fair, I had been stranger in front of them. You would think they'd gotten used to such things by now.

"It's fine. I'm fine. Sorry about making you wait…" I shiver and stand up again, "I got distracted with combat training. So sorry. I'm gonna hit the showers… see you tomorrow?"

"Heading to bed so early?" Mikasa frowns, "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah I just want to take a hot shower and get some sleep." I wave and begin to walk away, but pause to look over my shoulder and raise a brow, "Oh and Jean? You're drooling into your coffee."

Coughing and spluttering follows as Eren jabs him in the ribs, and Jean protests that he was doing no such thing. But I just focus on the stairs. The cold stare of Captain Levi is following me through the room from his table, sending fresh goose-bumps over my skin. I can't look over there, not now. I knew exactly what would happen. I'd just march over and demand an explanation. But it wouldn't matter, he'd just sit there and look at me with those unreadable gimlets. I'd stand there like a fool, the Commander simply thinking me madder than he already does. Was that possible? Probably.

What a fine mess Captain Levi, congrats, you prat. Your already unhinged soldier, is now clinging by her fingertips to what little sense she has remaining. It just made no damned sense, he had never even looked at me in a way to suggest that those kind of feelings were there. For goodness sake the man had never looked at anyone to suggest he was even capable of such feelings. He never even looked like he had a good day, let alone a boner.

I'd always heard the stories about his feelings for Petra, but whenever her name was spoken I saw little to no reaction. As far as I was aware the man was a robot. A very fine looking robot, but still, a robot.

So why had he said my name like that, and leaned in that way? I shiver but not from the cold, but instead the warmth that returns to my stomach. Why do I keep feeling that? Ugh, it was pathetic. And why was I moron? I recall his phrase and feel my pride bluster. Why was I supposed to be a moron? Because I didn't know why he had trained me? He's my damned superior officer, in charge of training. It was safe to assume he was following his job description, not his suddenly lust filled mind? I frown as I turn on the shower. Lust filled mind?

I stand under the hot water and hope this nonsense will be washed down the drain too.

I stand in my room at the window as I dry my hair, watching the passing clouds after having washed the day away. The rain's finally stopped and a few stars can be seen. What fools we must look like to anything looking down on us. Little insects crawling around with nothing better to do than bicker. Well… when we're not running away from the bigger insects trying to eat us for the fun of it. I run my hands through my freshly dry hair and take a long and deep breath, the air is fresh from the rain. It feels beautiful to breathe it. This is a ridiculous world for ridiculous people. I touch my lips and shudder, before slamming my fist onto the window sill and clenching my jaw. I wasn't about to be turned into some drooling moron because some man, with a six pack and alluring stare, gives me a peck on the mouth. No sir. My mouth tingles and I bite down hard.

What a prat.

Me or him?

I slam the sill again, both.

There's a knock at my door and I hold the sill tightly. He wouldn't. I realise I hadn't locked my door as the handle squeaks round and the hinges groan. This had better be Hanji wanting a last minute vent about her research, or Mikasa being overly concerned, or even Jean getting 'lost' again. If I see that stoic face and stormy eyes I was going to lose it.

I now wish I was wearing more than my shirt.

I had at least put on knickers.

Thank the Gods.

But then again I was just flattering myself right? His words. Ugh this man needed a slap.

"Robyn."


	6. Let's Burn

**Disclaimer: I do not own AOT.**

 **I hope you guys are enjoying the story, I know I'm enjoying writing it!**

 **Warning: the M rating is definitely applicable to this chapter.**

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* * *

"Robyn."

The shudder runs up my spine and tingles in my brain. I grip the sill stronger, the wood creaks. There's a weird silence again, but I'm refusing to break it. Oh, no. He could fucking do that. Despite my lack of clothing I knew I could still take him. If he had suddenly decided I'd acted out instead of himself, and wanted to reprimand me. Truth be told, I didn't know what to expect. He was clearly insane. And coming from me, that was not a good sign. I peer over the sill. I could jump out the window? It's only a couple stories up. Its muddy down there too, squishy, it'd be a soft landing.

"I'm sorry. It was unprofessional."

Unprofessional. Unprofessional?! Understatement of the damned century.

I try and hold my tongue, but its like a toddler having a tantrum, it wanted to be heard. Balls.

"What exactly was the game?" I turn to him and he remains stoic. No expression at all. I feel like I may as well be confronting a cabbage. A well-toned cabbage who always smelt like tea. But a cabbage nonetheless. When no answer comes, I march over and jab him in the chest. As short as everyone joked he was, he's still an inch or more, taller than me. Damn my genetics. "What was meant to happen Captain?"

"I don't know."

"Was I meant to fall to my knees and beg for more? Hm?"

"Listen brat, I just—"

"Ooh no you don't," I slap him and he scowls at me, left side of his mouth lifted slightly into a snarl. It only makes me want to slap him again in all honesty. But I just jab his chest again. "You don't get to call me brat right now, fuck that. You just what?"

"I don't know."

The snarl fades and I feel my patience thin. If he expects me to fill in the blanks till I create a scenario he decides fits best, it wasn't going to work. The silence sits there and I decide to break its neck.

"Well look, _sir._ I won't be following you round begging for attention like some mongrel you give a treat. Sorry, dunno if it works on the other girls, but I'm not about to be swayed by a man with a big reputation and a handsome face."

I immediately regret mentioning his looks when his eyes flash to my lips, but I continue nonetheless.

"I'm _not_ your plaything."

"I know that you idiot." He rolls his eyes and I make to slap him again, sick of him calling me names. Especially when it's him being such a moron. But he grabs my wrist and the snarl almost returns. His grip is tight and I fight against it. "Slap me again and I'll slap back a lot harder."

"Stop belittling me then. It's you standing there with your tail between your legs, not me, so don't patronise me."

He releases my arm and pinches the bridge of his nose. I look upwards and ask for some patience as I am in short supply. The silence sidles back into the room and I take a long, deep, and soothing breath in. Calm it Sanshi. I can see this is causing him issue, the man's face is actually showing shades of emotion. But what 'it' is that's actually causing the issue, remains a mystery. I don't like mysteries. They're annoying. But as he struggles to respond I run my hands through my hair and breathe out heavily. The fury is melting away, only leaving me confused and still dazed by it all.

"What do you want Captain?"

I sit down on my bed and hold his gaze as he seems to search for the words. Then the pacing begins. I somehow knew pacing would happen, but as it continues well into the fifteen minute mark I reach out and grab his wrist, for the sake of my floorboards more than anything. And it was very annoying. He looks down at my hand and frowns. I let go and hang my head, waving my hand to allow him to pace again if he should so wish.

Instead he kneels down in front of me. At least it wasn't pacing? I raise my head and feel myself do a small double-take. He's looking up at me with something lingering in the grey storms of his eyes. I stare and eventually comprehend it as something like… no… it can't be fear surely? I know I had bad days, but surely me in little clothing wasn't that terrifying? Then I realise its apprehension. He's nervous?

The buzz in my mind returns.

He looks completely lost, and for Captain Levi that made about as much sense as the rain falling upwards. I felt like I should hold him. Who was this man suddenly at my feet? I was very glad I'd cleaned properly, or this would likely turn into a scolding about my dust bunnies.

I make myself focus, but don't push him. I was a little unhinged, but I wasn't suicidal. I never know what to expect with him when he's normal, when the main variation is a smirk or raise of his brow. But now? I feel like if I move too suddenly he'll start swinging. He parts his lips to speak but falters a little. I attempt a very gentle smile, hopefully reassuring him I'm in no hurry. Although I can't imagine why I would be, I don't even have trousers on.

"I want…" He looks down momentarily and chuckles, I grip the mattress, that sound was beyond weird. It was lovely, but it was weird to hear for the first time. "It's been a very long time since someone asked me that. It's always duty around here."

He looks up with a frown, as though trying to figure me out as I sit and stare back at him. I don't know if I'm meant to respond, and if I am, I have no idea how to. It's a tense silence but the weirdness is slipping away with each moment. Am I relaxing? This should be awkward as hell, I should be attempting to jump from the window. But I'm not. I find myself suddenly perfectly happy, sitting here, and finding where this leads.

I sigh and rub my temples. Trying to silence my incessant mind. I'd attempt a response.

"Well _I'm_ asking. Feel like answering?"

Despite my better judgement my lips pull into a broad smile. Did I just hear the breath catch in his throat? This situation made no sense to me. He's still studying me, more confusion in his face as the seconds slip by.

"What do you want Captain?"

"I… I want to feel."

He raises his brows whilst sitting back a little. As though he's only realised this himself. I also sit back a bit, looking him up and down suspiciously, legs turned away slightly.

"We talking emotions, or groping…? Distinction is important Captain."

He laughs.

Not a snigger, or chuckle, a proper laugh, and I am fascinated by the low notes as they rise out of him and a smile creases his eyes. The pull on my heart returns with a vengeance and I nearly topple to the floor with it. The robot was falling apart to reveal a human being. This was too weird, I pinch my leg a little. I'm still awake.

"Indeed it is. I had meant emotionally. Though something other than pain on a physical level would be welcomed."

"And um… _why_ is it you seem to think I'm the one to help you?" Even I notice the shred of hope in my voice and I feel my cheeks turn pink, I cringe and again he laughs. The warmth inside me returns stronger each time he does so. I really wish I was able to play this situation smoothly, but my goof is on centre stage.

" _Why_?"

"Yah."

"How the hell am I meant to know Sanshi? This is new territory for me."

"Well I certainly don't, do I?"

"Does it really matter why?" He looks to the side, fidgeting with his cravat before removing it and loosening his collar. I stare at the pale flesh of his throat, its smooth as he breathes a little freer.

I take a moment and shrug, I suppose he's right, why didn't really matter. But then his hand is on mine and I jump a little.

"But it does matter if… well… if you're willing to help me try?"

"I'm always willing to help, anyone at any time, you know that Captain."

His smile fades and he looks to the side again, and I think I see a blush attempt to break through. He thinks I'm pitying him. I suppose I might be. Like he said, this is new territory. I have no more clue than he does.

I slide off the bed to sit on my knees in front of him, and tap the side of his face to make him look at me. Again the breath catches in his throat and this time I feel a small thrill. There's cracks appearing in the brick wall and I'm peering through. It's fascinating.

I lean in and he's frozen in place, grey eyes watching me as I inch closer.

"Don't, unless it's really what you want."

"Like you could ever make me do something I don't want to do…" I whisper and his eyes narrow at the challenge. I can only hear my heartbeat and our breathing as I lean in, his breath is warm. Like before. I hover over his lips with my own, and hold his gaze. This isn't pity. I know that now. "What do you want Captain?"

He closes the gap and I feel like lightening just struck me, straight through my heart. I hate admitting it, such a sensation leads to danger. But as our lips move together I feel the anger inside me dying away, fading like blood in the rain. His tongue slowly runs along my bottom lip, cautiously. I smile and part my lips, my tongue meeting his. He tastes too good, salty and sweet at the same time. His hand holds the nape of my neck, pulling me closer till I'm almost in his lap. I try to fight it but a small moan escapes me. I assume he likes the noise as his kiss becomes hungrier, he lies back and pulls me with him, before rolling over and pressing his firm body against me, slowly moving his lips down my neck and along my collar bone.

"Robyn…" his breaths are husky and I shudder. His kisses slow as he makes his way back up my neck before he sits up on his knees that straddle my hips and almost grins. There's a moment when his eyes just stare, drinking in every detail as they shift across my face and then my body. I hope he likes what he sees, I can't really change anything by this point though. "Thank you."

"Y-your welcome… but don't act like I did it as a favour." I laugh and he bends down and gives me a gentle kiss before raising again to let our nose-tips touch. I cover my face as another blush threatens. What the hell was going on? I feel like a fool. He takes each finger in turn and pries it away, eyes glinting.

"Stop hiding that ridiculous face." I look at him with a raised brow and he rolls his eyes, standing up and pulling me with him. "It's called a compliment try taking it?"

"That an order Captain?" I say, raising my brow again. He carefully holds onto my chin and looks deep into my eyes. Another kiss is pressed to my lips and feel the thrum in my chest quicken.

"No. Here I'm not your Captain." He pushes my hair back from my face and runs a finger down my jaw, neck and lingers over my chest. His eyes follow his finger and I take a deep breath.

"No, I suppose not." I smile widely. "Levi."

As it passes my lips, his eyes close and a broad smiles lights up his face in the dim light. Damn he was beautiful when he smiled.

"Say it again."

I lean in and put my mouth next to his ear, with my hands on his chest.

"Levi." I whisper with a small giggle escaping. His hands wind round my torso and pull me closer, and I gently nibble at his ear, my breath slightly ragged as my heart gallops away. " _Levi._ "

There's a need in my voice. A weird kind of desperation that has never been there before. We both freeze as this sinks in. Did his hands just shake? My hands begin to push against his chest. This is dangerous. The image of him in that Titan's hand flashes before my eyes, his head lolling forward, blood trickling past his pale lips. I shiver and look at him as he watches me, eyes searching for a solution.

I remember his pleading, he wanted to feel, but what if all I accomplish is creating pain? I can't guarantee that I'll be good enough to survive. I can't make any promises. And then he'll potentially risk himself like the fool I feared he was. Were these feelings why he went into danger on that mission? Had this already caused him physical pain?

I back away, shaking my head. This can only end in pain, blood and fire. He takes a staggered step towards me and I stumble against the door, sliding to the floor where I put my head in my hands, still shaking it from side to side. This was me being selfish. That was all this was. I was meant to be here to help humanity fight; not rid it of its strongest soldier.

"I can't do this." I choke out. He approaches slowly, and I hold my knees to my chest, the anger begins to build again as I lose that warmth. It's slipping away like everything else. "No… I can't do this to you. I just…—"

"You just what?" And there he is, in front of me, hand on my knee. Where the hell did his fear go? "You can't do what to me?"

"You know what." I suck my breath through my teeth. "You froze just as much as I did, you _know_ where this leads."

"I know." We lock our gazes. "But I can't stand in the doorway much longer."

"What?"

"I've been looking for a way in since that mission. There'd been something there since that day of training…"

"You mean when I carried Sandra back?"

"It might've always been there. I guess it must've been… but you had a cut on your hand and I felt something. It made no damn sense, you were fine, I knew that, but still… It was only on the mission, when you almost… but I got you out. Fuck, I felt relief for the first time in years."

"Yeah and got yourself grabbed, you idiot."

"Didn't matter." He snarls angrily, "I finally had a reason to fucking fight. Damn it you brat, don't act like you don't know what that feels like. Your entire reason for living was that promise to your mother. I know it was."

"Because you eavesdropped on me."

I put my head against the door and watch him narrow his eyes. I can tell he knows what I'm doing, but that isn't about to stop me trying. I begin to raise the walls around my heart, and my resolve. They're fucking heavy and I'm screaming inside against the weight of them. But they'll go up dammit. I will not be this selfish. I will not give in to such juvenile whims. And hormones. Raging, aching, whimpering hormones.

"I don't have that promise anymore Captain. All I have is killing, it's efficient and it's logical."

"It's also not living." His snarl widens and his teeth glint, I feel fear tingle in my spine but I keep my expression blank. His own medicine was stinging, I could tell as he searches for my emotion. "Damn it brat you can't do it. The anger's still there, doesn't matter how much you kill, how many you slice into, it'll still burn."

"Your point?"

"Let me burn with you." He growls and I feel my pulse quicken, my walls quiver as I try and put them in place. So close. He punches the door next to my head and I swallow hard as he pushes my hands away from my knees, and shifts till he's in between my legs, hands on mine by my side as he waits. His mouth is only a breath away from mine. "It's stupid and I'm not promising it's a good idea but fuck it. I want to live whilst helping everyone else do that. Those bureaucratic maggots get to live, they have families and get to live normal lives, damn it. Why don't we? Because we're fighting back? Fuck that."

I look down at his lips. I know that if I give into this it's past the point of no return. I wait, and I hope, but it's no fucking use.

The walls crumble away as I blink slowly and meet his eyes intently.

"Then let's burn."

I shove my lips against his and we share a moan as he wrenches me up and wraps my legs round his waist. My hands tangle in his hair and he slams me against the door, I pull his head back and kiss down his neck, my teeth dragging and nipping. I rip his shirt open and let my hands roam over his firm chest and round to his strong back, biting down on his shoulder. He groans and begins to undo my shirt, only my legs holding me up as he does so, planting a kiss on each inch of skin he reveals. I let my arms drop so the shirt falls away before grabbing the back of his head as I devour him and he devours me, our teeth gnashing together as we hungrily need each other more and more.

" _Levi…_ " I gasp between kisses and another growl rumbles in his chest before he throws me onto the bed, wrenches the remainder of his shirt over his head and climbs on top of me, one hand tangled in my hair and the other holding himself up so there's space between our bodies whilst we kiss deeply. I reach up and trace his face, letting my hands slide down his neck, chest and sculpted stomach, lingering just above his belt. I let my nails drag a little across his skin. He moans as we kiss, and I take the opportunity to knock his supporting arm and flip us over. I straddle him as the kiss continues, hands back to their dance above his belt, occasionally dipping below, between the fabric and his hot skin.

"What're you waiting for?" He rasps and I smile, meeting his eyes with a devious look. "Shit… look at you…"

I lower till my lips graze his, letting my tongue trace his mouth lightly.

"What do you want Levi?"

"You." I run my nails along the belt line and he gasps, before looking at me with fire. "Now."

I undo the belt and pop the button. I kiss down his chest, along his stomach and take the zipper in my teeth to drag it back. He lays his head back with a breathless grunt. Only now do I fully appreciate the tightness of his trousers. I rise again to kiss him, my hand tracing the bulge. With each touch his hands pull my head closer, his teeth catching my tongue and lips.

He's desperate.

"Nngh…" He breathes as I slip my hand into his underwear and take a firm hold of him. I slowly stroke up and down, fascinated by his face as he leans his head back, and bites his lip with closed eyes. He was so open to me, he was getting lost in sensation and it was beautiful.

As fun as it is to know my power over him, I feel the ache deep within me and let my lacking patience take over. I pull his boots off and trousers with underwear in two swift moves. With this release his eyes snap open and he flips me underneath him, tears my underwear away effortlessly and pushes my left leg up. Slowly he runs his hand along the inside of my thigh. I can't help but whimper as I feel his hot desperation as he presses our bodies together. He feels like fire as the seconds slip by, his hand gradually reaching the same point before he gently strokes. But as he feels how ready I am for him, his own patience gives out. I feel a twinge of pain as he fills me up, but I only want more when he pauses and strokes my cheek softly, waiting for me to look at him. As the twinges die down I manage to open my eyes and meet his worried gaze.

"I'm not hurting you am I?"

"No… you're just driving me mad." I breathe, my eyes rolling back as he moves further in and I finally feel him fully pressed against me. He chuckles and begins to kiss my neck as he slowly pulses in and out of me, electrifying me with each movement. I kiss his neck also, letting my teeth nip at his pale skin as he licks under my jaw. Soon though the electricity buzzes at the base of my spine, aching impatiently as he carefully holds himself back. I can feel the tension in his muscles as he slowly grinds against me. He's so frightened of hurting me. I run a hand down to rest it on the small of his back, he tenses and I gasp as he does the same inside me.

"Levi I'm not going to break you know." I chuckle, "Stop holding back."

"I don't want to hur—"

"Let me help you feel." I pull him down to kiss him deeply, grinding my hips up against him, making him moan loudly. I pull his head back and grin. "I did say don't patronise me didn't I?"

And with those words he gives in, a new kind of snarl warping his lips as he rests against my shoulder and quickens his pace, he throbs inside me as he hammers away. The electricity shorts out inside me and I feel it zip through every nerve, setting fire to my entire being as my back arches and I feel his name rip out of my mouth as he kisses and licks my stomach. This only makes him go harder and faster, panting my name as his hand hitches my hips upwards and I begin to match his movements, rolling my hips in time with his.

"Nngh… Yes… Robyn… mm!" He bites down on his lip but can't stop, his shoots upright, movements frantic against me till finally his back arches, his entire body rigid. The fire explodes inside me and I grab his arm that holds my hips in place, my nails digging in as I try and not scream the building down. There's a moment of beautiful clarity as I watch the muscles beneath his skin flex. Sweat drips down his stomach, a painting of strength and his arms are great bands of power. Holy shit, I'd been fucked by a god.

The heat begins to die away, leaving smoking embers within me as he slowly bends back over me, eyes searching my face.

"Are you all right?" He pants, releasing my hips to cup my face, sweet breath ragged as his heart audibly pounds. I draw a deep breath and lick my lips to smile, he watches my tongue and absentmindedly licks his own. "Robyn?"

"Mm… yes… Levi I'm…" I laugh, my entire body shuddering as euphoria clouds me, "I'm probably the happiest I've been in long, long time… and fucking exhausted."

He sighs and lies down next to me, facing me as his hand runs down my jaw line, playing with my lips as I continue to beam at him. I think back to when I'd met him, his stoic face as he addressed me as a new recruit. I only saw the legend then, and now I was seeing the man. The warmth in my gut flares as I see sleepiness enter his eyes and his lids begin to flicker. I remind myself that this was probably only fucking. He'd been concerned about hurting me this time, but for all the man knew I was a virgin. I was far from that, but still, I wasn't going to let myself look any deeper into this situation than necessary. We lived in a dangerous world, but this would provide a small slice of solace, and fun. That was what I would focus on. That was what we needed.

Slowly I pull the sheets up and let sleep take us as we lie in the aftermath of a fresh blaze.

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 **Uhm okay! Never written 'smut' before so i hope it was good? Without sounding weird... ugh nevermind. But I'd decided that with trying Fanfiction I'd try other areas of writing I previously hadn't, for instance 1st person POV and well... smut. So yeah, if you have time to leave a review please do, i'm kinda flying blind here. Thanks, Fran.**

 **P.S I won't be uploading for two weeks starting today, 25/05/2015 as I'm going on holiday. But there is more to follow after that. Thanks!**


	7. Trust Issues

**Disclaimer: I do not own AOT.**

 **I hope you guys are enjoying the story, I know I'm enjoying writing it!**

 **Warning: the M rating is definitely applicable to this chapter.**

 **Thanks for reading, and thanks to all that have left a review so far, I love hearing from you. So if you have the time, feel free.**

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My skin is hot, and I jolt awake as I imagine the heat from a Titan's flesh bearing down on me. But as I stare around, letting my flickering eyes adjust to what is my sunlit quarters I relax. Just a nightmare. I look to my left and jolt again slightly. And then I smile with slight disbelief. He's still here, it wasn't some strange delusional dream. His eyes are closed in sleep, lying on his front with his arms under the pillow. It wasn't a dream? I put a hand to my mouth. Holy shit this was real. I turn over to face him. Everything is so defined, each band of muscle prominent and smooth. Scars cover his flesh and only intensify his odd beauty. I hear him mumble slightly, and I retract my finger from tracing his many scars. There's a crease between his brows, and a slight part to his lips, like something was wrong. I feel ice nip my insides as I watch his eyes roll left and right, his arms flexing occasionally. I feel I should wake him but am hypnotised in place. It was probably one of the most human versions of him I'd ever seen. Or anyone else had for that matter. His lips begin to mutter something; frantic and coarse.

"Run. Just… just fucking run… please… get out… please…" I wonder if he's dreaming of his past, or if it's just another mission. I couldn't count how many times I'd relived past missions, and I knew I could scarcely imagine all the horrors he had to relive nightly. Humanities strongest, and most broken. Suddenly he tenses, his entire body is rigid and his teeth shine as he clenches them against what looks like hot pain. I flinch a little. "Robyn-just-run…"

My hand shakes as I reach out and gently run a hand through his hair, trying to carefully wake him as he relives our last mission. But it doesn't quite go to plan.

" _You bastard_." He hisses, eyes snapping open with fury. There is no reason or sight there as he lunges up in one swift motion, pinning me to the wall by my throat, thumb perfectly placed to shove my jaw up and block off my breathing. His other hand at my stomach as though shoving a knife in there. Thankfully there wasn't one, so he was just punching me instead. So not much better. He really was a weapon, coiled to kill at any moment. My head smacks against the stone with a loud crack, and I feel consciousness slip. The hold on my throat is loosened as my head lolls forward, and I feel frantic hands lay me back down, a slightly sleepily panicked voice echoing in my ears.

"R-Robyn...? Robyn! Wake up… shit… what have I done? Wake up, dammit!"

I take a hold on my consciousness and drag myself back, squeezing the hand that holds mine. That bloody hurt, but I wasn't going to guilt trip. I think I feel cool lips press against my hand, but I am probably imagining it. Eventually I gain control of my eyes and force them open. I look up at him and smile, his face quickly returning to its usual stoic self once he sees I'm alright.

I reach up to stroke his face tenderly, but quickly punch him on the arm to send him toppling to the floor in a heap. Take that ya prick. He stares up at me with widened eyes and I rub the back of my head, maintaining my smile all the while.

"Should've guessed you weren't used to actually _sleeping_ with someone…" there's no blood, I've double checked that, but there will be a bugger of a lump there later. A smile breaks through his panic and he climbs back into the bed, carefully planting a kiss on my forehead. "I couldn't just watch you have a nightmare though. I'm sorry you had to relive that."

"I'm sure you have your fair share of nightmares."

"I think we all do."

I lean back against the head board and tug the sheets up to cover my chest as I look at him warmly. This would either be very awkward, or oddly natural. As he sits in my sheets I'm verging to natural, which in itself disturbs me a little. He's staring at the hand that was gripping my throat, looking a little confused. I wonder who he thought I was. Surely not the Titan? You don't throttle and stab a Titan, Captain, you idiot. Maybe that's why he's confused? I push the mystery from my mind and tap his hand to make him look up at me. He does, and he's as unreadable as ever.

"So you're not wracked with regret in the bright light of the day, Captain?"

"Regret?" He repeats it and grimaces. "What a stupid idea."

"Hm… glad you see you haven't turned into a sap."

"Not in my nature."

"Good. Now then…" I sit up and watch him scan me, expression unreadable, "What exactly is… this? Without sounding like some little girl scrawling your name over my diary, but as I said last night, distinction is important." He scans me a little longer, eyes narrowing a fraction before he takes a deep breath and sighs heavily.

"Am I allowed to say I don't know?"

"Of course, but I'm also allowed to find that incredible irritating…"

"Fair enough."

"Not that I have an answer myself… shall we say for now we're comrades with benefits? And also, shall we say for now, that we this is kept between us? I'm not sure this is technically allowed? I'm not sure, I've never read that part of the rulebook, is there one for this I mean—"

He kisses me and rolls his eyes before getting up and tugging on his trousers.

"You ramble."

"You grunt." I snigger and watch him as he pulls on his shirt, hurriedly tucking it in and loosely tying his cravat. I know why he's hurrying, he doesn't want to be late for breakfast and raise suspicion. My mind has already realised this. And yet I feel insecure? Fuck, I hate being a woman sometimes. Or was this just me? I couldn't really tar my whole gender with this nonsense. I twiddle my fingers together and tilt my head at him.

"Levi?"

"Robyn."

"At risk of sounding like an idiot once again… this wasn't just some rite of passage for you was it? I mean, I'm not demanding I be your soul mate or anything, but I'm not just a name being ticked off a list am I?"

He pauses and I raise a brow.

"Trust me, sir. If that _is_ what just happened, you won't be crossing off anymore names."

He finishes smoothing down his hair and considers me carefully. Slowly he walks back over, taps my chin to bring my face upwards, kisses me, playfully slaps my cheek and heads for the door.

"You are the list, idiot. So there's no need to chop my dick off."

"Glad to hear it, sir. Such a thing can be very messy."

He pauses before disappearing, a smirk fixed in place.

"Get downstairs for breakfast Sanshi, before someone comes searching for you."

"Yes, sir."

I stand at the top of the stairs, the mess hall chatter rising to meet me. A few recruits go by me, sleepily mumbling to each other as they descend. I take a deep breath and smile. Whatever the hell it was that was going on between me and Levi, it was good for the moment; that was what was important. It wasn't the romance of the century, and in truth I wasn't sure if it really counted as a romance at all. But then again, who cares? It felt good for me, and from th e joises he'd been making, I guessed it had been good for him. Two people, enjoying themselves and working through some stress. Perfectly natural. I grin a little, and pretty fucking hot too.

I go and sit with Eren etc. and sip my coffee, looking round the table at my technical superiors, but my real friends. Jean is blushing a little, giving me nervous glances, when I catch him he blushes a little deeper and I give him a kind smile. It's a compliment, nothing more, but I know how he worries about it since the Jack 'incident'. His eyes lose their anxiety and he returns the smile, a small nod before returning to his breakfast. What a fool. I play with my food a little and pick at it, I've never been big on eating breakfast, and with no mission looming I feel no need to fight that today.

Everyone has plans for their day of leave. After the Commander's month long training regime it was thankfully time to recharge a bit. Armin and Connie are going to do some runs in the forest, checking both the gear and themselves. I think Mikasa is doing combat training with Eren and Jean. I swirl my coffee and wonder what I'll do. I'm not really in the mood for combat training, in fact I don't really understand how Mikasa can be. I chance a look over to the superiors table and feel a little fizz in my head as Levi looks my way for a second before returning to his conversation, holding his coffee cup a little tighter. My mind had been wandering to last night, had his? I grin into my cup.

Just then Hanji turns round and beams at me. Oh shit what now?

"Hey Robyn! Eren!" we both flinch as she drapes her arms round us and squishes us to her face. We mumble our questions but she just squeezes again and squeals. "Would you two be willing to help me out? Your good pal Hanji?"

I pull away and share a look with Eren, he looks up at Hanji and then back to me with a shrug. I sigh and consider that it can't be too bad if I'm involved, plus I'll be able to step in if she gets carried away with Eren. It wasn't that she was sadistic, she was just passionate. I also knew she just wanted to help mankind deep down. As well as her strange obsession with our enemy. But mainly helping mankind. I think.

We agree to help. She gives another squeal before running off, shouting at us to meet her in her 'lab' as soon as we're done with breakfast. I look at the table, then at Eren who is frowning, looking a little nervous.

"It might be fun?" I say with another shrug.

"It _might_ be." He says looking to me and pursing his lips. I nudge him and smile.

"I'm sure it'll be fine." I then drain my cup and stand up, "I'm gonna go enjoy the sunshine before we end up trapped in that lab all day. Just come meet me when you're done?" I ruffle his hair and walk away, again aware of Levi watching me as I go. I resist looking at him, don't want people wondering why I keep glancing at him. Plus I can just close my eyes and replay memories. But then I have to battle a blush. God damn it, I had to admit the distraction was fun.

It's a beautiful day and I lie down on the grass between the main hall and the outhouse that acts as Hanji's lab. The slight breeze shifts my hair and I breathe in the quiet. About twenty minutes passes by as I watch a few wisps of cloud dance across the blue. What on earth was Hanji wanting us for? I sighed, whatever it was, Eren had best not take too much longer, or else she'd be dragging us both inside with a shriek in our ears. It was too nice a day for that. So peaceful.

The grass tickles my ears and neck and I smile as my mind drifts back to simpler times. Moments such as these were rare and I could almost pinpoint every one I'd ever had. The last summer I had with my mother had been particularly fine, regular trips to the meadows with her and my brother. It was good to appreciate the outside world, or what little we had of it, my mother always said that. She had been a strange woman; so insightful and strong, and yet totally moronic when it came to loving the monster who would eventually kill her. I shift my weight and move away from the dark memory, today is about sunlight, not shadow. I laugh as I remember running through a crop field with Keza, our hair flailing behind us as we dragged our hands along the fluffy heads of the crop. The angry shouts of the farmer echoing as we twirled and skipped. Simpler times. Then again not always. Again I shift away from the shadow and concentrate on the sun kissing my face.

"What did shitty glasses want?" I jump at Levi's voice and support myself on my arms as he sits down next to me, cup of coffee in hand.

"Sorry, sir. Was a million miles away." He narrows his eyes but continues to look into his coffee cup. "She asked me and Eren to help her out with something. No idea what though."

"And you agreed?" He raises a brow, looking straight ahead. I lie back to see a bird skirt by, and I quickly thank it internally for not shitting on me. That would've been awkward.

"It can't be that bad, sir, not if I'm involved. She knows I'm not a Titan healing machine." I chuckle but he still seems unhappy, so I decide to change the subject a bit. "What're you doing today? Besides nursing that coffee."

"We're moving Jack." His eyes flick down to me, before returning to the horizon when I make no reaction other than a raising of my brows. "Commander wants him kept somewhere not as accommodating as our cells."

"The hell does that mean?"

"They're too nice for Jack apparently. I agree of course. Not that I think we should be containing him. We should be flogging him."

"He's a drunken piece of shit, but there's no need to continue your assault on his nether regions. He didn't even—"

"Because you fought back as hard as you did." He snaps and I sigh, unable to argue. "Fuck knows what he'd have done if you hadn't."

I can hear a flicker of his anger in his voice, but he remains as unreadable as ever to me. I wonder if that'll ever change. Then again, I'd certainly seen under the mask last night and this morning. If I only got to see that behind closed doors, I could live with that. It was clear he was a passionate man, but also shit scared of showing it to anyone. Did someone witnessing his passion make it harder to move past when that person was gone? I wonder how many times he's had to shake hands with Death, saying farewell to those he cares about. Far too many from the looks of his unyielding demeanour. Then again that was the point in last night, to let him feel something other than loss and pain. I smile a little as I consider how I may have helped him. He was a good man, he deserved what little reprieve he could get. I mean, he was still an asshole, and a completely emotionless tool-bag. But, underneath there was goodness.

"I may leave Erwin to shift him. I might do something I won't regret." Again there's a flicker of anger in his voice.

"Where they moving him?"

"You'll be safe."

"Oh I'm well aware, but y'know, in case I need a new punching bag." I lie back with a laugh. "I _am_ joking."

"I wouldn't mind if you weren't." A hand grazes my cheek and I lean into it a little.

"I know. So… what're your plans for tonight?"

"Greedy, brat." I sit up and frown at his slight smirk. Dirty bastard.

"I actually meant we could just… I dunno… talk? Maybe get a bottle of wine?" He sips his coffee, did I see a twinge of a blush? I think I'm trying too hard to read him. "Of course if anything _else_ should happen, wouldn't be the end of the world but—"

"What wouldn't be?" Eren nudges my back with his boot. I jump up and brush myself down.

"They're moving Jack, I was just saying it wouldn't be the end of the world if he slipped and cracked his face off the steps on his way." I surprise myself at the ease of creating the lie, but the Captain just looks ahead.

"How good of you to interrupt, Jeager."

"S-sorry sir…" he blushes, saluting. But the Captain doesn't look round, reacting no further, just torturing Eren as usual. Damn, statues fidgeted more than Levi. He'd have to teach me that, it was a great trick.

"Shall we?" Eren grunts before sighing and nodding towards the lab.

"Sure, good day Captain."

He raises his cup but doesn't look away from the horizon. I walk with Eren towards the lab and he puts a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. I look to him with a frown and he glances back at the Captain. I don't react on the surface, but internally I flinch, surely Eren hasn't guessed. He knew me well but surely not that well? I liked to think I was a little more elusive than a pop-up book.

"Did the Captain just want to warn you about them moving Jack?" Phew.

"Yeah, he's just being paranoid. But I'm fine Eren, really."

"I don't doubt it. Just making sure he wasn't having a go at you for beating the crap out of Jack when you did. Seems like the kind of thing the Captain would do. He's such an ass at times. Ugh, come on, there she is… damn, she looks pissed."

"You two are to go to Erwin's office." Hanji whines tapping her foot.

"Oh, so no—"

"We'll do it another day guys, don't you worry!" She blurts out with an excited grin, "Erwin is just pulling rank on me. Some kind of new thing he wants to try out. Or something… oh I dunno, but it's so typical of him! I had you two all to myself and now… oh just go." She dramatically throws her hand towards the building and recedes into the dankness of her lab. Me and Eren both gie little waves to the closing door, before turning to walk a little faster than necessary towards the Commanders office.

I glance over and see that Levi is still sipping his coffee. What was this going to be about?

Eren knocks on the door and the Commander calls for us to enter. We do so and sit down as he gestures to the seats in front of his desk. Without a word. I sit down and share a little scared look with Eren, were we in trouble for something? Between Hanji's frantic expressions and wailing rambles I hadn't really caught the explanation.

We wait whilst he takes notes, sorts files and does some more signing of documents. I'm tempted to ask what he wants, but I know I'll only get a frown before he carries on. So I wait, not looking to Eren who is staring straight ahead, bolt upright and ever the faithful solider. I couldn't understand his patience. I sit back and cross my legs, leaning my chin on my hand as I look to the window. I wished the stars were visible during the day, the blue was beautiful, but oddly bland sometimes. My mind begins to wander back to last night's star filled sky, so crisp after the rain. A heat passing over my lips and I quickly pinch my leg. This was so not the place to reminisce about that.

Finally the Commander sets his stuff aside and clasps his hands, resting his chin there as he looks between us, seeming to search for his words. I feel like pointing out he might remember them if he hadn't made us wait three decades. But I hold my tongue.

"I've called you two here today to talk about a new initiative I'm planning on introducing." I cringe back a little, not another month long session of training? It had been brilliant for those in need of improvement but for us perfectly capable, it was plain exhausting.

"N-new initiative sir?" stuttered Eren when the Commander paused, giving Eren a very odd look. I understood Eren's reservations about the blonde man. After all he had willingly let Levi kick the living shit out of him, and kept him in the dark for a long time about the Female Titan. I knew Eren trusted Erwin, but I also knew he feared him. The protective side of my nature suddenly kicked in, I sat up and angled myself towards the Titan-shifter. Why were we here? Why only us two? My mind flicks back to Hanji, was this to do with her? Finally the Commander sits back, setting his hands behind his head as he decides to enlighten us. Finally.

"It has come to my attention that whilst out on patrol, when a commanding officer, be it a squad leader or simply a superior, gets hurt, the newer recruits panic. They do not trust in each other as much as their superiors. This is something I wish to resolve."

"Please tell me we aren't going to spend the month falling back into each other's arms with our eyes closed." I drawl, enjoying the amused smirk that pulls at the man's lips.

"Not quite Sanshi. I'm looking to certain 'rookies' and am planning on having them take up a sort of back-up squad leader position. This will allow for more points of back-up on patrol, and allow the newer recruits to build trust amongst themselves."

"So they can depend on each other when robbed of a leader?" mutters Eren, almost to himself as he taps his chin. The Commander nods, meeting my gaze forecefully.

"I have selected you, Sanshi, as one of these recruits. There are handful more, but I wanted to know what you thought before bringing this to the other's attention."

"You want me, in charge of other people? Really?" I glance at his desk, looking for a bottle of Hanji's special brew. This didn't sound right to me at all. Something sparkles in the Commanders deep blue eyes, is it respect? Pfft, I push that ridiculous notion out of my mind. The Commander shifts hi weight but merely shrugs, maintaining his stern gaze at me. It was becoming a little uncomfortable in all honesty. He was a calm man, but fucking intense when he wanted to be.

"You have a singular mind when it comes to battle Sanshi, this has been mentioned by almost every superior you have served under. I want to cultivate that. You won't be a full-fledged squad leader of course, you haven't the experience for such a responsibility. But I do wish to start your training for such a step up the ladder."

"Well I'm willing to try, sir. Of course."

"And you think this initiative is worthwhile?"

"Well I think it can only help the formation and its execution, sir. I can't see a downside. If the rookies trust each other, then they might work better as a team; that can surely only mean less deaths."

We share a curt nod and I sit back a little, my pride swelling a bit. This was a major feather in my cap. I had always thought the Commander just thought of me as the local nutter. But this hinted at something else. In all fairness I was useless at reading the man; it drove me mad as I was usually able to peg people easily. But he was as elusive as Levi. I wonder who else is being selected, but I allow myself a smile as I consider Erwin wanting to put the idea past me first. That was big. I couldn't lie, it meant a lot. But then I look to Eren, who remains staring ahead, although now he looked a bit confused. Why was he here? I look from Eren to the Commander who meets my gaze and then looks to Eren with a sigh.

"As for you Jeager, I need you to become more familiar with the other new recruits. I understand you have a good relationship with Sanshi here, but I need the others to trust you just as much—"

"They're frightened of me, sir." Eren looks to the ground, clearly ashamed of this fact.

I knew it was true, I'd heard the whispers myself. I'd always put those people in their ignorant places, but had never really considered what it meant for the Commander when considering his regiment. When looking to a formation chart on the wall I realised the problem. It didn't matter how well they planned out the mission, if Eren had to change and half the formation spread out for fear of being stepped on, the whole thing would turn to shit.

"You want me to help, sir?" I ask, looking at Eren the whole time, meeting his nervous eyes with an encouraging look. He had to keep in mind that he wasn't alone. He never would be. The sadness seems to leave his green eyes as a nervous smile takes over. There he was.

"For the beginning yes, Shanshi. With your troop - that I have selected for you - Eren will train for a week or so. Then he'll move onto other groups, showing his more relatable side to them and preparing them for his more… intimidating side."

The Commander gave a small, respectful nod towards Eren. I knew, and I hoped Eren did too, that the Commander highly appreciated the power Eren held. He had already expressed his respect for the boy, but I knew the pressure that plagued Eren. He had a lot to live up to, being Humanities Hope, was hardly small time. I stand and give a firm salute.

"Yes, sir. When do we begin?"

"Tomorrow, I will be explaining this to everyone at dinner time, but please feel free to go up to your team today Sanshi."

"No, sir, I think I should let them have their day off. Although who is on my team? Actually… can I just say _the_ team sir? Feels strange to call it my team, especially when I'm not really a squad leader at this point."

"I understand Sanshi. You have four other recruits; Isa Belon, Jaren Kezen, Kila Sohon, and Neran Torl. Is that satisfactory?"

"Mm." I say with a nod, holding back my retorts. He then allows us to leave, pointing out that whatever Hanji had planned could wait. Even if she pestered us, we were to tell her to wait till this month's training had concluded. We needed to be on top form for the month ahead. I wondered if he knew what she'd been planning, and if so, why didn't he just tell us? Damn cloaks and daggers. So annoying.

As we walk towards the compound me and Eren are quiet, other rookie's walking by and chatting casually. When the sun hits us we head for the far wall where no one is currently standing by. He sits on the dusty ground and puts his knees to his chest, resting his chin on his knees as he studies a rock with determination. I lean against the warm wall and close my eyes as I let the sun kiss my face all over again.

This initiative was an exciting prospect. It was a terrifying one as well.

I wondered if Levi would have any advice, but then again I didn't really want to bring up dealing with a squad. He had us on his squad presently, and of course before that… I bite my lip, I needed his advice, but I didn't want to drag him back through that memory. Hell I didn't even know if he'd let me. But then I remember how he'd asked me to help him feel, perhaps dealing with that part of his past came into that? I really had no idea how much leeway I had with him. I wasn't sure if I ever would.

A hand taps my leg. I jolt a little and look down to Eren who looks a little expectant.

"Shit, sorry. What did you say Eren?"

"I said what do you really think about the team Erwin's given you?"

"Mm… what do you mean?"

"Well you hardly seemed pleased, although kudos on not objecting right there and then." He says, laying his head against the wall with a smirk. I nudge him with my foot and snort a little.

"Thanks, it was quite the achievement. But I didn't want to object, especially when Erwin's given me such a big pat on the back. A little surreal to be honest."

"It's a big honour, you should be proud. I know I'm proud of you."

"Thanks Eren… although yeah… not the best team…"

"How so? I didn't really recognise the names, I only really know you from your class."

"Well… Isa Belon is nothing short of a slut, I can't think of a boy in our class she didn't bang. She's surprisingly good on the 3DMG considering she spends the majority of her time on her back."

"Robyn!" laughs Eren, a blush covering his face. I admit that I feel a little hypocritical after the previous evening's occurrence. However that was one night in my entire time within the regiment, it was also not as causal as making eye contact then heading to the back of the stables. Nah, I'm not that much of a hypocrite. I don't think…

"And the rest?"

"Jaren Kezen is brilliant at the gear, and is a damn good swordsman, however he regularly pisses himself out on mission and tries to get out of work whenever he can. I can't remember the amount of times I found him asleep when we were on cleaning duty together during basic training… I kicked that guy's ass all the time. Presumably that's why he was chosen for my team, Erwin has heard I'm not worried about putting the kid in his place."

"You're probably right there."

"Kila Sohon? She's… well she's fine…" I look down at Eren who is just raising a brow at me, I groan and sink to the ground. "She's just fucking boring to be honest. She can do her job, but I don't think I've ever seen her even pretend to be invested in the world around her."

"Like the Captain?" he sniggers, but I pause and shake my head.

"Nah, Captain Levi is reserved and holds shit in, but he's invested, he cares about his work and his regiment. She just… doesn't. So that could be a bit of a problem… still I can't have it all. Mind you Neran Torl is okay. He's a bit naïve, but I have no issue with him. Good kid really, and so eager to help, I just hope he's okay taking orders."

"Well one out of four you have no issue with. Not great but I'm sure you'll get through okay."

"So will you Eren. If they start looking at you weird, or whispering, just ignore it. Some of these kids hadn't even seen a Titan till recently, so the fact you can turn into one is… well its pant-shitting terrifying to them. Just be yourself and they'll see they have nothing to fear."

"We don't know that for sure Robyn…" He kicks the rock away and bites his lip. I put my arm round his shoulder and hug him tightly. I'm relieved to find him not shivering at all. "Why didn't you fear me Robyn?"

"Like I said, I reckon I could take you." I laugh but he doesn't join in, only a small tug on the corner of his mouth. I put my head against his and sigh. "I've known a lot of awful people Eren, I've seen evil. I've seen it in people's eyes and the way they act. I didn't see it in you."

"Did you see it in Jack?" He asks, nuzzling my head a little. I tense but just sigh, remembering the pathetic figure of Jack being hauled away to his cell, crying about the misunderstanding. Wailing about this mistreatment. Sobbing about his 'silly mistake'.

"I saw something I didn't trust. But he isn't evil Eren, he's an asshole who is perverted and doesn't know the difference between yes and no. But he isn't evil. M'kay? You're not evil, and I saw that, these other kids are lucky enough to not know Evil when they see it. Don't hold that against them?"

He sits up and takes a moment to think over my words. I watch some birds soar above and I feel a pang of envy. Then there's a quick puff from Eren and I turn to meet his determined gaze. I knew that look. It almost looked deranged, but it meant Eren wasn't going to let anything stop him. I loved that look. I poke his nose and wink.

"Hey Eren, where you been?"

"Let's go enjoy our day off."

For the rest of the day me and Eren just chilled out. We meandered along the compound and shared stories about Shiganshina. We watched people train, we lay on the grass, we even took some horses out for a ride. It was a lovely day, free from responsibility before tomorrow's work began. I enjoyed the company of Eren; he was an enigma in our uncertain world, but he had a humility to him and that intense fire of determination. It was infectious.

As we rode along by the old training forest I make my horse stop and frown a little. He follows my gaze and lays a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. Along the treeline I see a precession of soldiers walking along, a figure out in front with arms bound behind them. The line heads into a small hut and disappears. That was presumably Jack's new cell. I hold the reins a little tighter and turn my horse, as long as he was kept away from other unsuspecting women I was happy. Although my hands did betray my resolve a little as they quivered. I think they were just itching for another punch-bag session.

I head to dinner with Eren and enjoy the chatter about the day. The thrum of conversation is calming to me as I consider what tomorrow would bring. It isn't long till Commander Erwin has stood up to explain what's happening for the following month and various people look my way, and then at the other selected rookies who would be partaking in this initiative. Those listed off into the teams looked to their leaders with a little apprehension. Competitive people, ambitious people, and really just young people didn't enjoy having their talents pointed out as inferior. I couldn't get annoyed, I knew if I was in their position it would rub me the wrong way. But as I nod to the Commander I catch eyes with Levi and feel myself frozen. How long has he been staring at me? I look to my food and try to convince myself I'm imagining the two holes being bored into my skull.

"I think you're in trouble or something Robyn…" murmurs Connie, glancing over my shoulder. "The Captain is kinda glaring at you…"

"Yeah I noticed… I suppose he's going to lecture me on leading recruits. Y'know how much of a perfectionist he is. He probably thinks I'll fuck his recruits up." I push my food around, wondering if he'll ask me to his office and then what'll happen from there. A heat begins to build in the pit of my stomach as I consider the possibilities. I then shove some food in my mouth to avoid getting any further. It was very annoying really, I hadn't felt this frustrated before last night, and now suddenly I was chomping at the bit for more? A slippery slope was what I was on, and I wondered if the Captain felt as eager. I glance down at myself and smirk. No, probably not. I was hardly—

"Cadet, Sanshi."

I stand up and salute, licking a speck of food from my lips, having been caught by surprise. I notice his eyes flash to my mouth and then back to my eyes, tightening a little. Oh shit, he totally thought I did that on purpose.

"Yes, sir?"

"I want to talk to you about your plans for your new team. Come to my office after your dinner. And clean your face, you're a mess."

I nod and sit back down. The whole table looks at me in sympathy and put my increased eating speed down to not wanting to keep the wrathful Captain waiting. They were right, but not because I wanted to get it over with. It was because the memories of last night were becoming torturous. But I had to keep in mind he may actually want to discuss the team. After all he could appreciate the pressure of being a squad leader. It may well be a simple meeting. But then I remember sitting out on the grass. Maybe there would be wine at least? My throat pinches, I could always do with a drink.

I get up and bid them goodnight, heading off at a steady pace and making sure I was immaculate before knocking on the door. The ache at the base of my spine is almost excruciating when he opens the door and holds it open only a fraction as he looks me up and down slowly, before opening the door. His face is its usual stoic self and I remain suitably expressionless myself as I enter and stand with a firm salute in place.

"Captain Levi, you asked to see me?"

"Shut up, idiot."

He grabs the back of my neck and wrenches me over, lips impatient as they slam onto mine, forcing mine open without hesitation. His other hand quickly snakes round my waist and grabs at my ass, hitching my leg up a moment later. I tangle my hands in his hair and let groans leave my throat as the kiss deepens with a tilt of my head. Damn it, he tastes even better this time, his tea lingering on his tongue as we fight for dominance. I barely register it as we tangle together, but my shirt is suddenly on the floor and his has soon followed suit. Did I take that off or did he? My hands seems to have a mind of their own as they tug at his belts and straps, occasionally returning to his pale skin and dragging my nails as I pull him against my body. The ache is throbbing in me now, crying out for more of the fire.

Without affection he throws me back onto the bed and rips off my boots and trousers, doing the same with his own as I shuffle back in the bed, hitting the head board as he climbs over me and makes little work of my undergarments. His face is stoic, but there's nothing but lust burning in his eyes as he turns back to kiss me again, deeply and hungrily. A deep growl rumbles in his chest as he pushes my legs apart. Without warning he's in me and I dig my nails into his back as he fills me up, but he silences my wail with another deep kiss, not waiting to begin his deluge on me. I put my hands back against the headboard and push down on his frantic hips, the friction euphoric with ever pulsating thrust. I gasp, wrapping my legs wrap round him and pulling him deeper into me. He groans and puts his head in the crook of my neck, nipping and kissing as he pants, occasionally whispering euphoric curses as he approaches his moment.

" _Fuck… Levi…_ " I arch my back as I feel the pleasure overflow inside me, a few moments later being chased down by his own ecstasy.

Damn that felt better.

We fall into a panting heap and I take a moment to gently press my lips to his parted ones.

"Thank you." I breathe lying back again with my arm over my face as the echoes of pleasure continue to wave through my now weak body. He pulls me onto my side and slaps my ass. I glare at him and he gives an arrogant smirk, hand running along my side, resting on my waist.

"You're fucking welcome, brat." And with that he's up, tugging his boxers on before grabbing a couple glasses and putting them on the desk. He remembered? I snigger and sit up in the blankets that I wrap round myself.

"I wondered if I was going to get that wine…"

"Sorry, did the sex just get in the way?" He tugs the cork out with his teeth and pours two generous glasses, passing me one and raising his. "Apologies for my lack of ceremony. But I had a shit day."

"No problem. I managed to keep up." I draw on the rich red liquid and sigh as I lean against the headboard, ignoring the bruise on the back of my head. "You have decent stamina for an old man."

"Shut it, brat."

"Mm…mmbnnhmmn?"

"What?" He sighs, looking at me with an exasperated expression. An expression? Damn, the man was turning into practically an open book!

"Well you told me to shut it, so I did, but I had a question. So… Mmb—"

"Smart ass." He growls, though I see him smirk into his wine.

"Fine. Did you actually want to talk to me about my team as well?"

"I did actually." He says, sitting on his chair and putting his feet up on the desk. I let my eyes linger on their way across his body. Fuck it, I was allowed to look. "Stop staring pervert."

"Oi, you rip my clothes off? I'm allowed to stare. Deal with it." I say, taking along sip as I continue to appreciate the impressive build to my Captain. Damn it I'd done well. I give a small nod and then smile innocently. "Done. What did you wanna say?"

"You're ridiculous. I wanted to ask how you actually felt about the team Erwin picked?"

I go through the same descriptions that I gave to Eren, and Levi laughs in the same places though seems more annoyed about the laziness, and sluttery. I think he had it in his head Erwin would give me the best of the best for some reason. I don't know why. I wasn't the best, I was the oldest and the most obnoxious probably, but I didn't think I was the most skilled. I had no idea who was, but I didn't put my name at the top of the list. Maybe top five. But that was it. I wait for him to say his piece, swilling my remaining wine in my glass as I subtly look around for where he threw my knickers. I hope he didn't rip those ones, I liked those ones.

"You think you can get the brats to act as a team? I know Erwin's mostly concern with trust."

"I think I can, yeah. I mean I dunno how well they trust, or even know each other, at this point in all honesty. But I'll find out tomorrow and work from there. Once I have them trusting each other, I can build on their trust of me. That was my plan anyway."

"But what if they end up trusting each other more than you?"

"Then they at least have each other to depend on in battle." I explain and watch him consider my answer. I think he's surprised that I'd actually thought of this. I wondered how arrogant he actually thought I was. He gives a small nod and leans back in his chair, closing his eyes and frowning a little.

"Don't go thinking you have to save them, brat. That's not your job."

"I know, sir."

"You seem to have it covered. Just… just don't get attached to the shits." His voice is steady as ever, but that frown is a giveaway. I know how it tore him up, he'd never said it, of course he hadn't. We weren't in a relationship here, we were each other's stress relief and human contact. But I knew from his original pleas to feel something, that mission had been the last straw. I wondered how long they'd actually served together as a team. I didn't dare ask though. He notices my lack of response and looks over at me with those dead eyes. "Seriously."

"I-I know…"

I hate that I've stuttered, but thinking about how much it's ripped this stonework of a man up inside makes fear grip my spine. I was nowhere near as strong as him. I'd seen shit, and done shit, and dealt with plenty of shit too. But he was the proverbial brick wall, and even he had started to show cracks. Only to me, and perhaps Erwin. But they were there all the same.

What if I got them killed? I knew his squad's death wasn't his fault, not in the least. He thought it was though. I was good at guilt tripping at getting someone a paper-cut, what the fuck would I do if someone on my team died? Even if it wasn't my fault, I knew my dumbass mind would make it seem that way. Or maybe it _would_ be my fault? Like I said, I was by no means the best rookie. I had a tonnes of flaws. I was reckless, I tried to be everywhere at once, I also got my angles wrong sometimes. What if I made a wrong call? It didn't seem like much of a stretch that I'd screw it up, I had a knack for that when it came to my own life, let alone someone else's.

I flinch when I feel a hand on my knee, I hadn't even noticed him move. He was a damned ninja.

"Keep it together Sanshi."

"Sorry sir."

"That's better." He said, looking to my lips. I wonder if he's confused about whether or not to seal that sentiment with a kiss. Would that blur the lines of what we were doing together? Would that mean too much affection? We hadn't outlined anything concrete. But I knew attachment wasn't his goal. He'd just said it himself, don't get attached.

He decides against it presumably as he gets up and starts to tug his uniform back on.

"Thank you, sir."

"You already said that."

"I more meant for the advice, not the fuck." He scrunches his nose at my crude language and I laugh a little. He glances my way as I laugh, a smirk spreading over his lips. "You can be surprisingly prudish at times, sir. Considering…"

I get up and retrieve my underwear from beneath the chair and desk where he had flung them. It took a while, but I'd eventually spotted them. I then scoop up my other garments and turn to him with a raised brow. He's sipping from a refilled glass, stood only in his trousers, sculpted torso still taunting my dirty mind. He raises a brow right back at me, tilting his head a little in challenge.

"Turn, pervert." I say with a glare, he rolls his eyes and does so. But as I pull my uniform back on I notice him glancing over his shoulder a few times. I don't draw attention to having noticed, instead I take a little extra time in putting my shirt on, angling my body in the right way to make the muscles in his back tense. I then do up my straps, lingering on the ones at the top of my thigh, biting my lip as I fiddle with the clasp. He tenses again. Serves him right. I shrug on my coat and walk up behind him, place my lips to his ear and give a breathy laugh.

"I did tell you to turn." I run a finger down his spine and grin as a shudder runs through him. I don't need to turn him round, I know there's little room left in those tight trousers. I kiss the back of his neck and head for the door. He was my Captain, but occasionally he was my play thing too. That was absolutely thrilling.

"Good night Captain, thanks for the advice, wine and bonfire."

"Night, Cadet."

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 **Thanks for reading, leave a review, like or follow, I don't own AOT, but I do love it.**

 **P.S Morocco is an awesome place to visit!**


	8. Clean-Freak

**Hi guys, another installment, I decided to upload quicker this week as I didn't upload over my holiday. Thanks for your patience, and thanks to all that have reviewed so far, really makes my day.**

 **I do not own AOT, it's just great fun to see what i can do with the characters. I hope you're enjoying reading it, as much as I'm enjoying writing it.**

 **If you have the time, please feel free to leave a review, positive or negative is welcome. I'm here to learn, after all! A like or a follow is also greatly appreciated.**

 **Enjoy!**

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My team stood with their gear on and faces expectant. The only one who seemed pleased to be there was Neran; the other three looked like I'd just stolen their teddy bears. I explained my plans for them to work together in the training forest, to get a beginning of trust between them. Then I'd go over the formation's I'd come up with and we'd work from there. I wasn't sure the other three were even listening, but I wasn't planning on placating to their juvenile bullshit.

"That good with everyone?"

There's a general nod. Isa takes a little too long to answer, her bright blue eyes looking me up and down with disdain. Jaren has a slight sneer and Kila is matching it, they're nodding but I know they're just following Erwin's orders. This was not the point to all this. It wasn't meant to be follow orders by numbers, it was meant to be building trust so that they'd survive. Why was it they couldn't grasp that? Neran just nods. Bless him.

"I'm sensing there's an issue here." I say, putting my hand on my hip and pointedly looking at the sassy three who just shrug, whilst Neran looks around a little confusedly. "Not with you Neran, I like you and you like me, we're good. But these three look like they have either something nasty under their noses, or something sharp shoved up their asses. I'd like to know why, right now, before we get going with this."

I am glad to find Eren just standing to the side quietly, letting me deal with this. After all this was meant to be my team, so I had to handle this. The fact he knew that, was comforting. When they don't say anything I look to the heavens for patience. Please, don't make me maul one of my team on the first day. That was not a good start.

"Come on children, what's the problem here?"

" _That_ for a start." Snaps Isa, shoving her hip out a little too far as she puts a hand there and sneers incredibly unattractively. How did her mouth even do that?

"What? Me calling you children?"

She nods, snorting a little. I again look up, wondering why people consistently forgot my lacking ability for patience. I take a long, soothing breath and give a forced smile.

"Well I'm sorry, but that's what you're fucking acting like."

"Hardly! We—"

" _Look_! We're training together to ensure a higher survival rate for the regiment as a whole, and you're stood bitching. How can you oppose being called children when you seem set on acting like it?"

"Where the hell do you get off acting so superior? Just because you sucked off Erwin to get the job." She barks, sharing a dark snigger with her other two sassy shitheads. I pinch the bridge of my nose, grinning a little as I consider the fact it wasn't Erwin I was fucking. Although she was wrong on the sucking front, no sucking had been done.

Anyway, back to the problem in hand.

"I didn't ask for this position, I am not even going to respond to that idiotic accusation and I'm also tempted to throw your ass into the dirt simply for being this ludicrously stupid."

"Pfft, okay old lady."

"How old _are_ you? Twelve?"

"I'm seventeen." She hisses a little proudly, her pathetic excuse for a bust thrust out a little further. Little girl, this is where the adults live, and the monsters.

I know I have to stop this insubordination now, or else this whole initiative was going to be pointless. I considered that whilst this was a trust thing, that didn't mean it had to be a trust based on friendship, or comradery. It could simply be that they trusted me to keep them alive, and to beat the shit out of them should they disobey. I wondered if that was why we all trusted Captain Levi so much. I knew it was why I'd trusted him, and I don't trust easy.

I walk up to her, she's about my height, but I think the fierce expression glaring out at her makes her shrink back a little. I jab an accusing finger at her, teeth bared a little.

"And I'm guessing you'd like to see eighteen?"

"W-what you gonna do? Kill me? Fucking maniac…" she attempts confidence, but she mainly whines. I shake my head slowly, pointing towards the nearest gates out to beyond the walls. She follows my finger.

"No. _I'm_ not what you need to worry about." I see her shudder. "It's the looming monstrosities; that want to bite down on your pathetic little body and drink your blood like its pumpkin juice. _Those_ are what you should be worried about. It's those inane grins, and glazed over eyes that should be shutting up that sour little mouth. It's those gnashing jaws, that should make you realise why the Commander is even trying this initiative out. It's the countless recruits already rotting in the ground in tiny little pieces, that should be breaking through that self-importance, ambition, and bitterness."

The confidence drains out of her. I watch the images sink into that thick little mind. I glance over at Jaren and Kila, both are as pale as Isa. I think I got through. Our just gave them fresh nightmares. Either way, it was clear to them who the real enemy was again. It was easy to forget within these walls, apart from everything. But really none of these stupid spats mattered once you were out there, under the big blue dome and far away from home. There it didn't matter who you'd pouted at, who you'd fucked, or who you'd thrown shade to. Out there death waited with open arms.

I step back a little and nod reassuringly at Neran, who is similarly pale, but just staring at the ground, aware this speech isn't meant for him. I let my gaze shift between the proud three, suddenly looking very small.

"I have accepted this role simply to help the regiment. I don't consider myself better than you, I am older than you, yes, so I apologise for the children comment. _However_ , if you pull this kind of juvenile shit again? You _will_ have something nasty under your noses when I shove your heads into the stables floor. And you _will_ have something sharp up your asses when I want to test out my blades. Got it? I am not here to boss you around, I am not here to be superior. I am here to help us all _survive_. You want to do that don't you?"

They all nod.

"Then let me help, together, as a team we can do that. All we need to do is build trust, out there in the field it's a damned good defence to have. And even if you don't like me, respect me, or even consider me worthy of leading you. I want you to _trust_ that I want to keep you alive. You're little shits right now, but I know you can change that. And I want you to live long enough to let it."

"I like you…" pipes up Neran with a careful smile and blush. I smile at him broadly and chuckle.

"Well congrats, Neran, I like you too. Though I think we covered that. Now then, you lot happy to get on with the training? We have a month, and I have a feeling that there's a mission at the end of this month. So we have till then. Fancy surviving?"

They all nod and turn to begin their work. When they disappear beyond the trees I sigh and lean on my knees, quivering a little. My performance worked, but holy shit was I close to breaking. They had to trust me. They had to trust that I could do this. I wasn't sure I even did at this point. One month. It was going to be a damned long month for sure.

Eren walks over and rubs my back, I stand up with a disbelieving expression and he grins.

"You're one scary lady at times y'know?"

"I'm one fucking decent actress y'mean." I laugh and put my head on his shoulder. He runs a hand through my hair. "You think I got through to them?"

"I think so, I was surprised they didn't shit themselves to be honest. Whatever the Captain told you last night clearly worked. He give good advice?"

"Yah, he did actually." I sigh. "Shit… can I do this? Maybe… Who would have thought?"

"Commander Erwin, clearly."

"That's true, shit… if my Keza could see me now." I smile and look up into the blue sky, grinning like an idiot. Eren laughs and nods, his determination infectious. I was glad I had him there, he made my doubts falter a little. It was hard to doubt anything with those green eyes glowing at me.

It takes about an hour but they return and land, red faced and panting. When I go over what they did, they seem to have made a good start. For one thing they know each other's names well now, before they weren't sure. But now its second nature. I send them off for some water and food, expecting them back in an hour. I sit down by the trees with Eren after he brings us some water and bread, and coffee. I could have kissed him when he handed that over. I take a long gulp.

"You are my saviour Eren, thank you." I lie back on the grass and sigh deeply. "I thought we'd do some hand-to-hand combat with them next?"

"We?" he repeats, biting his bread slowly. I look over at him and nod. He looks down and swallows hard, watching the shifting grass anxiously. "You sure it's not too soon?"

"Man up, Eren."

"I'm serious Robyn."

"So am I." I prop myself up on my elbows and smile at him, "they need to know you better Eren, and I don't fancy sitting down to have a heartfelt conversation round a campfire while we all braid each-others hair. Do you?"

"My hair's too short to braid."

"Challenge accepted." I say with a smirk and he rolls his eyes.

"I guess you have a point… but they're not going to be pleased."

"Then they can also man up. I was put in charge, so dammit they're gonna do what they're told. Neran can go first, that kid seems to have a fairly level head."

"Why because he likes _you?_ Level headed isn't what I'd first describe that as…"

"No, he'll go first because, whilst we all came out here and the other three stayed well away from you, he walked between me and you quite happily. I don't think he's as worried about you. I think that base trust he already has, makes him more confident around you. Duh."

I lie back again and chuckle when a bit of bread hits my face.

Soon enough the troops return and we all head over to the combat area. Three or four other teams are there too, but a ring is available for us. I send Neran in with Eren. There are no objections from the recruit, but the other three are all staring at me in shock. I turn to them with a raised brow, waiting for it to start.

"What if Neran hits him?" asks Isa a little stupidly. I try hard, but I'm not sure I manage to keep all the contempt out of my features.

"That's the point?" I laugh and she just glares a little, I roll my eyes and throw my hands up in the air. "Eren doesn't just turn into the Titan if he gets a bruise. He's too much of a clutz for that! He'll be training with us all week, and you three will be getting into that ring as well."

"What about you?"

"I'm already good at this, plus I kick Eren's ass every time. Poor guy."

"So you're just letting _us_ face the Titan?!"

"Look Isa… Eren is our ally. He's on our team, so start acting like it. Right then, you two, Begin."

Neran does well to hold his own, but Eren has had more training and soon enough floors the rookie. Apologising as he helps the kid up, brushing him down. I laugh a little and then send Isa in. She hesitates but my shot glance sends her in with a blush. That's right little girl. Get your ass in there. I was willing to attempt patience, but I wasn't a fucking saint.

They dance about but eventually she makes a move, and a clumsy one at that. Wow, she sucks at hand-to-hand. They go for a while, but I can tell Eren is majorly holding back. When he glances my way, I just shake my head, and he knows what to do. He then sends the girl into the dirt. Before she's even got to her shaky feet, I swap places with Eren, and help get the girl up. She's bright red, but not from exhaustion. This one had a lot of pride.

"You clearly need some help in this department, Isa."

"Why?" she huffs and I snort a little, "I know I suck at it, but why do we need to know hand-to-hand? We're not going to be punching the Titans."

"And what would you do if a shifter was in front of you in their human form? Unable to change? But you suck at hand-to-hand and they get away? Hmm?" She's about to argue but it dies in her throat and she groans, putting her hands into the proper beginning position. "Good girl."

It takes a while, but she eventually listens to me. Strengthening her stances, being more decisive about her movements. And not wimping out for the sake of her hands. They were her weapons and she was pandering. They'd harden up. Eventually she isn't completely useless and so I get out the ring, telling her to get out as well. It was enough for her today, its Jaren's turn.

Jaren and Kila are basically the same on skill level, in between Neran and Isa but still not as good as Eren. It would be a while before they improved. But I now knew this was where we had to work the hardest. For the remainder of the week, with Eren as sparring partner, we work on their technique. By the time Eren is to move onto another group there is a definite sense of respect between the rookies and him. That was amazing to me.

I wasn't sure how my own relationship was doing, I'd spent the whole week barking orders at them. But it was all to improve their skills, which they were, so I hoped it was appreciated for that.

As we sat down to dinner, a week and a half in, the chatter felt relaxed and I felt a little appreciated. They weren't my friends, but I didn't want them to be. That would make missions unnecessarily complicated. It was like Levi said; don't get attached. It wasn't my job to save them. But then again where did I draw that line? It was easy to spout that kind of thing outside of the situation, but as he knew himself, in the heat of the moment… sometimes instinct took over. He got himself grabbed by that Titan. What the hell would I end up doing?

"How's training going Sanshi?" I nearly choke on my food as Erwin rumbles above us, at the head of the table. I give a small smile as I try to breathe again. He waits.

"Fine, thank you Commander. My team is doing really well, we've been focused on hand-to-hand this week. But we're moving onto formations as of tomorrow."

"Glad to hear it. How is Sanshi as a leader recruits?" He asks and I look to my food, not wanting to pressure them as the silence lingers. "Come on, spit it out."

"She's scary." Mutters Neran with a sheepish smile as I glance over to him, "But she's really helped us with the hand-to-hand stuff. Isa was really bad at the start of the week, now she actually knows how to throw a decent punch. So… yeah… Sanshi's scary… but she's good?"

"Very eloquent Torl. Thank you. Anyone else?" He looks around and they all just nod, a little intimidated by the looming blonde giant. I clear my throat and give a small smile to the Commander.

"Don't worry Commander, I'm looking after them."

"Would expect nothing less from you Sanhi, carry on." And he walks away.

When he's gone they all breathe again. I smile a little as the four of them are staring at me, a little disbelieving. But then when the stares continue, I frown and check I don't have gravy sticking to my face. Nope, I'm clean. So why were they looking at me like that?

"What's with you lot?"

"How do you talk to the Commander so easily?" asks Kila, blushing a little.

"Open my mouth? He's just a human being, he's strangely tall and strangely well eyebrowed. But he's just a man." I won't admit that the man still intimidated me, I don't need to admit that. I wasn't lying, I was just bending the truth to my advantage. "But I get that he's scary."

"R-Robyn?" Neran fiddles with his food, and I turn to him, tilting my head. He seemed really scared about what he had to say. In fact he'd looked a little shifty the past two days. I tap my fork against the edge of his tray and smile encouragingly.

"Spit it out Neran, before you choke?"

"What happened on your last mission?"

I cringe back a little; I hadn't expected that, I really hadn't. Where had this come from? Then again, had these guys even been beyond the wall? I realise I hadn't even asked them that. No, they had to have been. But as I watch the fear, and curiosity flash over their young faces I consider that they may not have. The blood and panic echoes in my mind. That fucking Titan drooling over the limp body of my Captain, the blood trickling between his thin lips as his head fell forward. The crunch of bones. Dammit.

"What do you mean?" I croak, clearing my throat and drinking my water. Avoiding Neran's nervous gaze. They're all watching me closely. I can't let them know I'm haunted, this would not help them trust me, it would make them doubt me. Hell I was doubting myself enough right now. "Lots of stuff happens on a mission, what part do you mean?"

" _What happened to the Captian_?" He whispers and I look across at Levi who is eating with Erwin and Hanji. He's fine. He's right there, eating, talking, normal. Not dying, not being crushed because I fucked up as per usual. He was fine.

Levi's eyes suddenly meet mine and we hold steady. He's sipping his tea, the slightest of frowns creasing his stoic expression. I begin to explain the mission to my team, not breaking eye contact with my Captain as I speak. My voice is steady and I'm careful not to linger over the gory details, but I can hear them gasp, or hold their shaky breath. But I couldn't gloss it over for them, or they'd know I was lying the second we left the gates at the end of our month. If they knew I lied, they'd immediately distrust me.

And so the truth pours out.

Like blood from a vein.

My hands flex as they begin to feel dirty, like they're caked in his blood all over again. Shit.

"And then I got him to the infirmary." I finish, finally tearing my eyes away with a hard swallow. I look round them and they're all agog. "Basically it was a combination of my own fuckery, and Jack's. But had Jack been paying attention _none_ of it would have transpired in all likeliness. So I hope that shows you how damned important it is to stay sharp. Never mind how safe you _think_ it is. Out there nothing is certain. Except that you can die like that." I snap my fingers and drain my water glass. Thank the gods that was over.

"Is that why you beat up Jack?" asked Kila, her green eyes narrowed.

Again; I hadn't really expected this line of questioning. I slowly put down my glass and study her reserved expression. I wondered if she was a friend of Jack's. I wondered if he'd ever made an inappropriate pass at her as well. I sigh and scrape my hair back, letting it fall loose down my back as I enter the next story. They were clearly curious about me, and really they had every right to be. I was a bit odd.

I leave no detail out, outline the fact that Jack got exactly what he had coming to him, and why he was now imprisoned. The way the green eyes of Kila tightened I knew I had my answer, he had made passes at her. I just hoped that was all. I didn't pry, but I gave her a small smile, a smile of solidarity. Neran and Jeran were both blushing profusely and I just sighed.

"Guys calm down, being horny and being a fucking pervert are two different things."

"Yeah…" Jaren peeks at Kila and she puts her hand beneath the table, a small smile replacing Jaren's nervous pout. I hope they're just holding hands. Isa is very quiet though. I turn to her and tap her shoulder, she jolts back into reality and stares at me with wide eyes. Holy shit, she looked terrified. I am feeling very much like a den mother right now. This was not good.

"Whoa there, you okay? Jack's locked up, kiddo." I make an internal laugh after using Hanji's own term of endearment. Shit, did this mean I was getting attached? No, it just meant I was protective? Damn, that wasn't much better.

Isa tucks her blonde hair behind her ear and nods shakily.

"Jack stayed only a couple doors away from me… I had no idea…"

"None of us did Isa, it's okay though, he can't get to anyone now."

"Y'know… I always thought you were just full of shit Robyn."

"Um… thanks?" I snort and she just blushes, glancing my way occasionally.

"Sorry, I mean, you'd always talk so confident and stuff… I just thought it was bravado. But… it's kinda good to know it isn't. You can clearly handle yourself… I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm kinda glad you're our leader now. I-I think I can trust you to look after us."

I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't agree with her. I sigh and shake my head, she looks a little hurt, but lets me explain. These kids had to realise I was not here to be a babysitter.

"I appreciate the trust Isa, but it's misplaced. I'm not here to look after you, I'm here to lead you, and help wherever and however I can. But I'm no one's guardian angel. Out there we are a team, but we have to watch our own backs as much as each-others m'kay?"

She gives a nervous smile and nods. This was amazing progress and I didn't want to jinx it. I bid them a good night, and head for my room. Wondering whether or not I should have told them all that I had, I wasn't even sure if Levi had told any of the recruits the extent of his injuries. But then again, he hadn't told me not to disclose the information either. Nevertheless it was out now, and from what they had said, and the looks they had given, my group trusted me. Or at least had begun to. Maybe I could do this?

I shiver a little as the damned image flashes in front of me again. That damn thing was burned into the back of my eyelids. This was getting very tedious.

I look down at my hands and frown, little flecks of blood had begun to gather round my fingernails. I go to the bathroom and pick up a scrub brush, lathering it up with soap I scrub under the hot tap. Breathes catch in my throat as I feel the burning heat and harsh bristles against my soft hands. But they had to be clean. They had been spotless after Vincent died. So clean after being so caked in blood for thirteen years. Why did they now refuse?

I scrub and scrub, but as the bubbles turn pink I throw the brush down into the sink and rinse away the soap. Scratches litter my fingers and palms. But the flecks of dried blood remain, staining my skin like ink upon the page. Dammit. Branded by failure all over again. How long would this take to fade? What would it take to clean them this time?

I feel a presence behind me, but keep staring down at my hands as I dry them in a towel, well aware I'll be leaving blots of my blood all over it. Breath wafts against the back of my neck, a pair of steely eyes watching me, reflected in the mirror, as his hands rest on my waist. I could smell him, clean and musky at the same time. It was a pleasant scent, and one that made the ache in my spine return whenever I caught it on the breeze.

But now it wasn't what I needed.

Right now I didn't need to burn. Right now I needed to breathe. I cast the towel down into the bin and turn, leaning away so his hands drop. His face is blank, of course, but his eyes have embers of lust there. It hasn't been fanned into a full blown inferno yet, but I knew it would be easily done. I'd made a commitment to my Captain, and I wanted to uphold that, I wanted to help him. But as bitter pain stung at my filthy hands I knew I couldn't tonight.

"Cadet—"

"Sir." I look down and take a shaky breath in. "I'm sorry but I really need to be alone right now. I'm really sorry."

"What are you apologising for?"

"I can't help you tonight." I say through gritted teeth, itching to grab that damned brush and begin scrubbing again. But I'd just look like a loony, so I resist, holding the sink counter tightly. "I'm sorry."

"Shut up, brat." He mutters and I look up to an almost sympathetic look. Almost. "What're you wallowing about now?"

I knew I couldn't admit it was the fact I'd almost gotten him killed, he'd probably kick the shit out of me if he knew I was still tortured over that. In truth I'd thought I'd gotten past it. But with each detail that I told to my team I felt it reappear. Simply hidden beneath the surface. Tricky bugger.

"Just tired sir."

"Bullshit."

"Think what you fucking want."

I push off the counter and head for the door, he grabs my wrist and I quickly tug my hand back. But he's already seen.

"And they call me clean-freak." He says, glancing back at the brush in the sink. I make for the door, not bothering to wait around for his speech, but he's following me, silently but I can feel his glare. God dammit man just leave me alone. Go show yourself some fucking love, use a sock like any other horny teenager.

"Cadet Sanshi stop."

I keep walking.

"Now." He barks and I groan, throwing my hands up as I turn and meet his glare with my own. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to go get some sleep? You? Other than pissing me off?"

"You're hands are going to be useless tomorrow. Don't be so fucking stupid."

"My hands are fine, I just got carried away. Plus, I would say, mind your own business. You've keep sticking that pointed nose into my private life and frankly it's getting real old, real fast."

"I think I'm entitled to be a little concerned."

"No you're fucking not." I back up, a grimace taking over my face. I check for anyone listening, and find no one, and so I look to him with another glare. "We're fucking each other, we're helping each other deal with shit, and feel something other than pain etc. that's fine and dandy. And pretty damned good most of the time. But that doesn't entitle you to anything. My life isn't for you to pry through, like yours isn't for me to pry through. I thought that was how you wanted it?"

"I don't remember outlining those rules."

"Probably because we never outlined anything. But until we do? Let me deal with my stuff in my own damned way. Managed before you and I'll manage after you. Now then, good night, Captain. Thank you for your concern, but it's seriously misplaced." And then I salute and walk to my room, he no longer follows. I nip inside and quickly lock my door, the outside world recedes a little and I feel myself breathe again.

I slowly sink to the floor and stare out the window. Tears annoyingly brimming my eyes. What the hell was going on in this head of mine? I run a hand through my hair, wondering if I'll fine little fragments of my mind in my palm when I retrieve it. Was I actually beginning to lose it? They all joked I was mad, but so far I'd just been odd. I grit my teeth and thump my head against my door a few times. Mind; you and me were going to have a major fall out if this shit continued. And I can hit you off very hard objects. Keep in check.

A headache swamps my head and I groan into my knees.

What a fucking mess.

The next day brings out my formation plans. There are no objections and so as a team we head into the forest, towards the training dummies with the leather patches on the nape of the neck. I knew my team were all good at this, so that wasn't the concern. Getting into sequence was. We had to work as a team. I decided that I'd stick with Isa and Jaren, whilst Naren and Kila would work as a duo. They had superior blade technique to my two, so it made sense for them to work without me.

In and out we swung in sequence, they followed my lead and by the end of the week we were a well-oiled machine. We had another two weeks and I felt confident it could only improve from here. It was all theory at this point, but I felt confident that I had something good with this team. My self-doubt was wavering, helped by the fact Eren consistently assured me I had one of the best groups. Most other 'leaders' were struggling to keep a grip on their rookies. I basked in the reassurance of his eyes whenever he said this to me. But it seemed he was making progress across the board. So that was good. In fact no, that was amazing. With each group he got on with, the worry in his beautiful eyes dimmed a little more. I think he was starting to realise he wasn't so much of a monster.

I'd avoided Levi, I was still having some issues and knew I was shit at lying to him. The man was unreadable, but he seemed to be able to read me like a child's book. But I had to credit him with being respectful of my request to butt out. He doesn't pester me, only occasionally glancing my way at meals, or slyly checking my hands when passing me in the corridor. They are fine, I was fine, quit stressing.

Me or him?

Both.

I yawn into another dawn and suddenly feel myself tense as I greet the paling sky. It was the day of the mission. It was the day theory became practised. My heart gallops off as I put on my uniform and take a moment to hold my red ribbon close. Today would be scary, if it was a success or not, either way I'd be terrified all day. But I couldn't show it. It was the last thing I could show today. I kiss the ribbon and replace it over my mirror. I'd come back, they'd come back, we could do this.

My team and four others are selected for going out. I'm surprised by the small number but the other leaders had to confess they hadn't made good progress with their teams. In all honesty, this in itself showed the merit of them being selected as 'leaders'. They had enough decency to accept defeat. They would remain behind and continue training.

So with my team and the four other rookie sets; we set off towards the forest beyond the walls. With us was Levi and his Squad, minus me obviously, and Erwin with his. Hanji was kicking around as well, somewhere, she'd turn up though, she was meant to be accompanying my team. We had supplies and we had carts, we were going for a while I guessed. It wasn't a major expedition, but it was to test the water with our rookies.

My rookies.

Damn that felt weird.

It was a dull day and everyone remained on point as the formation spread out to allow the warning system to work. Hanji was assigned to stay with my team, a superior to each rookie team for safety. I felt comforted by her presence, but she remained out-with our formation a little, allowing my own plans to go without her interference. I wondered how difficult this was for her. She was the type to meddle. But I guessed she knew how nervous I must be, and knew how cagey I could be when rattled. Smart woman as always.

Soon the rain begins, its light and cold but it doesn't affect our sight too much. We see a few Titans on the horizon, I give the order, and Hanji fires off a flare. So far it's the only sighting, and it's far away. So far so good. I check my team, they look alert but steady. We would be heading for the supply camp in the clearing of the forest, makeshift walls built amongst the tightly packed trees. It wasn't ideal, but it allowed missions to refuel, and regroup. Plus it was good terrain for our gear, so if trouble arose, we could deal with it.

As far as I was aware, the plan was to get there, spend the night then round back towards the wall. It was literally a dry run for Erwin's initiative. But it made sense to me, despite Isa and Kila's protestations, theory counted for little till you applied it to the real situation. And nothing made up for facing a Titan. You had to be there with the beast looming over you, otherwise it wasn't the same. Fear affects us all differently. Some wet themselves, some shit themselves, other's freeze, whilst some rage out. I usually raged out. But that wasn't surprising.

As we near the camp I call out orders to my team, our formation altering for the trees. In the outskirts of the woods it was possible for Titans to roam, the trees were more spaced out there. We get about a half mile in, when I notice a mass in front of us. Time for us to show what we could do.

I bark out the orders. Kila and Neran get up and fire into the canopy. Me and the other two are the backup should the duo need it, but as it's only a normal twelve meter I reckon they can handle it. We set off a flair all the same. But before the smoke can even clear the duo have done as instructed, leaving a steaming heap hammered into the cold ground. I feel pride swell in my chest. They land back onto the horses and I give them both a proud salute. They beam back.

A few more thunders rumble through the trees as other troops deal with threats. A couple shouts ring out, but we stick to our path, we're close to where the trees thicken and danger is less likely. It wasn't our job to go in after other troops, that wasn't our duty. The formation was key.

Hanji rides up to me as we enter the 'safe zone'.

"You did great, Kiddo."

"Thanks, Hanji!" I beam a little and she laughs, "But really it's my team that have done the great work. C'mon guys let's get to the camp and get some food!" They cheer and we enter the compound soon enough.

We're the third team to arrive. Erwin greets us warmly, congratulating us all, then sending us off to help set up the supplies for food and warmth. It was very basic, but it felt secure in here. Quiet and solid. Soon enough the other teams have arrived, and I wave to Eren and Mikasa as they ride in after the Captain, who has Titan blood steaming off his cape.

"Meet some trouble on the way in?" I ask Eren as I hold his horse to let him jump down.

He gives a carefree wave of his hand and grins. It had only been a couple four meters in the outskirts, but the Captain had been forced to help out a rookie troop. That's when his face falls a little. I tense as he explains one rookie troop was down to three members. An abnormal had snuck up on them.

"Snuck up?"

"Their formation was clearly flawed." He sighs, scratching the back of his head. "But still, the other cadet next in line skill-wise, took over, kept them all level headed and got them here. Impressive really. He saved the rest of them."

"Yeah…" I say with a shiver. A fellow pretend leader had bit the dust then? Had they tried too hard to save their team? Or had they fucked up? Eren gives me a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder. This was still new and scary territory, I needed to keep that in mind. We'd done well, but it was still a long ride back to the wall.

How would my team do with an abnormal? I shake the thought from my mind and go to join them by the fire. It's quiet, the deaths sustained haunting the regiment. But there was still the return journey to contend with. It would be just as dangerous. I check with my team, but they assure me they feel okay. I can see the strain, but I remind them of their good work today. We would get home.

I stay up to watch the fire die to gentle embers before I carefully rebuild it and watch slight sleep take my team. It wouldn't be a sound sleep but it would be something at least.

I don't think anyone slept properly, in all honesty, but the fire was simply annoying me in its spitting and crackling. I picked up my blanket and wandered around the compound area, breathing in the clean air and watching the stars blink through the wisps of cloud. If not for the potential threat of monstrosities bursting through the trees to kill us all horribly, it might have been a peaceful moment. But the thunder of far off footsteps, kept that threat right at the front of my mind. Bastards.

"Is anyone fucking sleeping?" I turn to Levi and he hands me a cup of coffee.

"That would certainly be an achievement." I drawl and he shakes his head as he sips his drink. We go over to the wall and lean against it, I offer him the excess of my blanket but he just shrugs. No sense, no feeling I guess.

"How many did we lose in total, Captain?"

"Just the three lost to that rookie team. They were a six… they should have been the safest." He stares into his coffee, brows knitting together a little. I take a long sip and focus on the warmth of the liquid. "I heard you did well today. Four-eyes was raving."

"Doesn't she always? My team were great. Did exactly as we planned." I let my smile spread and look to him, he continues to stare into his coffee, before giving a bitter chuckle.

"You didn't engage the Titan yourself." He says with an uneven tone. Glad? Disapproving? I can't pinpoint it. I shrug and sip my coffee. My team was safe, his opinion wasn't the most important thing.

"Wasn't on the plan, Captain."

"Good to know you're not a glory whore."

"If that's meant to be some kind of sarcastic jibe that I should've gone in then you can—"

"It was a genuine sentiment." He snaps glancing my way with another frown. "Glory was what got those three cadets killed."

"…Really?"

"The leader broke formation. He put himself into the fight, so he could get the kill. Then he got himself, and two of his subordinates killed. Fucking moron."

"What a stupid reason to die…" I hiss, the coffee tasting a lot bitter all of a sudden. I knew it wasn't our jobs to babysit, but to so stupidly endanger your troop for the sake of a kill statistic? And then becoming one yourself? How pathetic. I drain my coffee and sigh, wishing it was something a little stronger. "Y'know Captain, sometimes I think it'll be humans that kill all the humans. The Titan's sometimes seem to be the least of our worries."

"You're cheery tonight."

"Life of the party, Sir."

"Cleaned your hands yet?"

"Getting there, thanks."

I see the sun is beginning to peer over the horizon, a dim orange glow bleeding over the treeline. Another day, another mission. I push off the wall and wish the Captain good luck, he asks me to see him in his office once we're back. I stop and turn with a smirk, he mirrors it and shrugs. It was something to ride home a little faster for, at least I had something other than just surviving to look forward to. Seems like he wasn't going to hold my previous words against me. It was nice to know he respected my privacy. Sometimes.

I snicker as I sit down and start gathering up the supplies. Breakfast would be soon, and then we'd be riding home. The sky seemed clear at least, a few clouds here and there, but it seemed possible we would get home in the dry.

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 **Hey guys, hope you enjoyed!**

 **I don't own AOT, but I do appreciate reviews, likes and follows!**

 **Thanks for reading.**


	9. Murderer

**Hi guys, I decided to upload earlier than planned as I hit 800 views, which is exciting for little old me!**

 **So in this section I try using Levi's POV, let me know what you think. I'm _fairly_ happy with it, but I'm eager to know what you guys think. **

**Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT, just my OC Robyn, the daft cow she is.**

* * *

Fuck you universe…

The rain poured down in a torrent. It was frankly amazing that the horses were getting any traction. But we were halfway back by this point, no point in turning round now. My team were all tired, wet and grumpy. But at least they were alert. Signals weren't much good in this weather, I reminded them of this as thunder rolled overhead and they all looked around frantically. Despite our training, and despite our trust, they were still kids. I had to keep that in mind. Along with everything else. I didn't even have Hanji with me this time for back-up, she needed to accompany the short-handed squad. This time it really was, all on me.

"Calm it guys, it's a thunder storm. Makes our job harder, but we'll get home."

"How can you be so calm?" called Isa as another clap went overhead.

"Because I trust all of you." I shout and she smiles broadly, nodding confidently and pushing her horse a little faster.

I look forward and grit my teeth. I was fucking shitting it in all truth. In these conditions an attack would be awful, our horses would be barely able to hear our whistles should they have to run off. And if they did there was no telling they wouldn't get lost in a bog. Then there was the fact any trees around us were sodden, and therefore slippery. Manoeuvring in these conditions was damned difficult, if not impossible. This was pretty much as dangerous as it got on the field. Except perhaps mist. Oh please don't send mist our way, just give us that.

Far off on the horizon I can see the wall, a long grey strip that I never thought I'd be happier to see than in that moment. I give a cheer and point, my team whoop and we all speed up a little. Another thunderclap deafens us. But then I feel the ground go too. I cast my eyes all around and see the bleared outline of a Titan making its way towards us. Scratch that, it was two. A ten meter and a twelve.

I shout out the orders, and we break.

Naren and Kila would go for the ten. Me and Isa, with Jaren, would deal with the twelve. I go for the neck whilst Isa takes out the legs and Jaren goes for the arms. It all seems to take mere moments. We soar, we slice, we win. It's going beautifully, the corpse steaming beneath us. I saw Jaren slip a little but decide not to mention it, form wasn't our top priority right now, efficiency was. In the next second, the other Titan falls to the ground in a steaming mess, Naren and Kila made short work of him.

I'm about to whistle for the horses when more thunder envelops us; the sky and earth erupting as four more Titans leer out of a nearby body of woodland. I fire off a flare in an attempt to attract back-up. We have some time to plan, but with time to think, comes time to panic.

"Guys calm down, we can do this. I will deal with the two rear twelve meters by myself. Isa go with Jaren and take out the front twelve. Kila, you and Naren take out the fifteen. Got it?"

"W-we have no way of g-gaining height!" shouts Isa as I ready myself to run. "We'll be taken out in seconds, don't you have a s-safer p-plan? We can't—"I turn to her and slap her in the face, her mouth wobbling like a fish out of water. I wasn't good at dealing with mumbling at the best of times, and right now my patience was at its thinnest. Wet your pants all you like woman, its pouring rain and no one will see, but don't blabber at me. I give her a stern look and her mouth stops wobbling.

"Get it together Belon. We can do this. Trust me dammit!"

"Y-yes, ma'am."

"Aim for the neck immediately and use the Titan itself for height. Adapt. Remember your training. Now move or we won't be able to do a damned thing!"

"But—!" I shoot her a look and she shuts it. Thankfully.

We all run and I try to focus on my task. I couldn't babysit them, if I did then these two twelve metres would just come and kill us anyway. I zip onto the front twelve meter's shoulder, swinging under it to allow myself to be propelled up through the air towards the rear two twelve metre classes. I glance back and see my team going to work.

They could do it.

I latch onto my first victim, slicing into his neck with my thankfully perfect angle. It didn't happen often, but it was thrilling when it did. As it groans and begins to topple forward, I immediately shoot off towards its friend, swinging down and round the falling Titan for more momentum. Speed was key. As I soar through the rain, feeling like I'm swimming more than flying, I again glance over to my team. I shouldn't distract myself but I can't help it. Through the sheets of icy water I see someone running on the ground.

Dammit Isa.

The screams echo all round and I think I see Jaren grabbed by the front Twelve. Shit. I make quick work of my target, ignoring it's grabbing claws which I thankfully slip through. The neck is sliced and diced in seconds. It begins to fall and I fire myself forward with the help of my tanks. The rain is lashing down and I can barely see where I'm going. But soon the shoulder of the final twelve meter is in range, and I fire. My spine screams as the angle wrenches my body awkwardly. But I had to try dammit.

I stumble and slip against the rain-slicked Titan's flesh, left to dangle down the beast's front and watch the final moment when Jaren is bitten clean in half. His blood pours down on me, making me choke as it pours into my screaming mouth.

So quick, so pointless.

I ignore my clearly broken rib, and retract my wire, pulling myself up onto the offending shoulder. The bastard's dead before he even notices me. The nape of his neck falling in a streak of steam to the ground. I'm soaring towards the ground when I see Naren swinging his blade at the leering face of the Fifteen meter.

Where the fuck was Kila?

I turn and see her running towards Isa, or rather stumbling with one leg bitten in half, using a blade as a crutch.

What the hell had happened?

I fire into the Fifteen's calf but it kicks out and I'm flung back, tumbling over the wet ground to the point where Isa and Kila had managed to flee. I jump up and make to return to Naren's aid but just blink in time to see him ripped apart, his howls digging into my heart. Dammit.

I turn and try to focus my scattered mind on the other two. I want to throttle them for abandoning the formation, I want to pummel them into the ground for abandoning their comrades. For not trusting them. But I just make myself focus on getting them out. I could berate them later, once they were safe.

"That Fifteen is gonna come for us any second, you two need to be ready."

"Fuck that! We need to run!" Screams Isa, no reason left in her young eyes as she tries to stumble through the mud.

I whistle for the horses but they're nowhere to be found. Clever beasts had run as far and fast as they could. I scream after her, the rain and wind roaring, but I make myself heard. She pauses a little, but is still edging away. I point my blade at her, trying to ignore the spattering of Jaren's blood left in the grooves.

"Isa you can't outrun a Titan!"

"I can try!"

"Turn and fight, we can still do this. There's three of us, we can—"

"Fuck you!" they scream in unison and I stagger back a little, familiar thunder rumbling the ground beneath us. Kila hobbles a little, but manages to swing her blade crutch at me angrily. I stay put, but lean away a fraction, staring at her with incredulous eyes.

"You did this, you killed them!" howls Kila, releasing the blade at the last second. I roll back and decide I'll have to deal with the remaining Titan alone. I'm trying to convince myself of the fact that it's fear talking, not Kila. It wasn't Kila who just trying to stab me, it was her fear. But as I try and fire my wires onto the Titan that has just come into range, I feel my gear kicked off. Due to its design for falling off on impact, thus avoiding damage and potentially allowing retrieval, it falls to the ground a couple meters away.

I turn and see Isa and Kila running.

What was the old proverb? You don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to run faster than the person behind you. I turn to the lumbering monster and hear them scream as they outrun my momentarily frozen ass. It wasn't fear freezing me, it was clean-cut confusion.

How had this all fallen apart so quickly? We'd been such a good team. Why? I turn and watch the two girls fleeing, trying to make my mind work. I just needed a plan.

"You fucking murderer!" screams Isa, trying to help Kila. But as the thunder gets closer she drops her wounded comrade and makes for it herself. Selfish bastards. I turn and watch the Titan loom over me.

Well… shit.

Instinct finally kicks in. I grab my blades from my gear, jump over the great hand that swipes down to grab me, and run up the arm. I'm slipping and stumbling all the way, till I have to leap over another hand. And then I stab into its shoulder as it begins to run.

Shit.

It's spotted them?

I can barely see through the rain, and quite possibly my tears. The Titan lumbers after them and I desperately try to get some traction. I just need to get to the nape of the neck. I just need to kill it. I just need to save them. My team. Or what was left of it. No, fuck off guilt, we can dance that dance when this is over. Which it isn't yet.

I begin to stab my way across, unable to move otherwise without simply toppling to the ground and leaving the two girls to their fate. I feel the beast stop. It's found Kila. Her screams are killing me as I approach the neck.

"Kill it! Please! Kill it! I need to see my mother again! Kill it Robyn! No! Please! K—"

And with the guttering chokes I know I'm too late. And then the beast moves again, faster, desperate as it chases down the blonde who is wailing and jabbering. I see fire as I begin to haul myself up as the neck is in reach. Again the beast stops and I slam against its skull. Another broken bone. Crack.

"What're you doing?! Save me! We trusted you!" She's shrieking as I begin to hack and slice at the neck with my blunt blade. I grit my teeth as steam billows up at me, the nape slowly being sliced away.

I would make it. I would do this at least.

"You should've died! Not us! No! No!"

And as the nape is gone I know she is too. The blood is still dribbling from the damn monster's jaws as it falls towards the ground.

I don't even brace, I just hold onto my blade and let myself be flung forward into the muck of the earth. They were all dead. My entire team wiped out like ants on the pavement. Nothing had changed. Nothing had mattered.

I stare up at the sky as it continues to piss down on me. Blood is collecting at the back of my throat, I turn my head and spit it out, but otherwise I don't move. I can't right now. I can't wrap my head around this.

We had done so well. We had built such trust.

 _You should've died!_

 _Kill it! Please! Kill it! I have to see my mother again!_

 _No! No!_

 _You should've died!_

 _Not us!_

 _You should've died!_

The kid was fucking right, but as usual the universe was an unfair sack of shit. But then I remember how close it had been. Maybe? I sit up and run over to the inane face of the Titan, and I begin to try and pry its stinking jaws open. Maybe I could still be fucking worthwhile.

* * *

LEVI POV

What a fucking mess.

The formation is useless in this weather. I ride out as Erwin instructs, and collect the rookies together. Safety in numbers had to count for something. I guess. At least this way I could keep a fucking eye on the damned brats. They all look shit scared already and we haven't even seen a damned Titan.

As I ride back into the centre formation, with two rookie teams with me I see Hanji is one team short.

"Where's Sanshi's team Hanji?" asks Erwin over a clap of thunder.

The glasses shrugs and begins to ramble on about them not being where they should've been. Why hadn't she been with them anyway? But then I realise she had to give extra aid to the now short-handed rookie team. So they left Sanshi alone? The brat was good, but that seemed beyond stupid. I glance at Erwin, how could one man be so tactical and yet tactless? Blonde bastard.

I didn't believe they'd gotten lost, Sanshi was a reckless moron, but she wouldn't lead her team off tangent in this mess of a day. Something had taken them out of formation. I yell this over at Erwin, and he agrees. Shocking as this is, I volunteer to go find the idiots. He nods and I break away, noticing Jeager, and that weird girl attached to his hip, following me. I really didn't need this right now.

"The hell are you brats doing? Get back in formation now!"

"We're helping Captain Levi, Erwin gave the okay!" Jeager yells above the din of the thunder. I roll my eyes but accept my entourage. Just more brats to look after. Great. What was I? A captain or a damned den mother?

I feel like we've been riding for hours, but without any debris or body parts in our path I still feel confident Sanshi will have got the brats out. If anyone was going to get those four useless cadets home, it was her. A fucking terrifying woman she was, but she was good in a tight spot. Survival was her base instinct. I relied on that. And her stubbornness, mules were more compliant than her. Another roll of thunder goes over us and I consider the fact that sometimes none of that mattered. It didn't matter how good, or stubborn, or instinctual you were. Sometimes life just wanted to smear your blood on the ground. I whip the reins harder and press on.

That idiot had best be okay, or I'd slap her senseless.

"A flare!" shouts the girl, pointing. I peer, but barely see it through the rain. Damn that kid had good eyesight. "It was definitely a flare, not sure what colour though."

"Then we'll assume they're still riding. Aim ahead of that point. Keep an eye out. They'll have gotten into trouble."

"Yes, sir!" they chime in unison and we press on. They were annoying, but at least they followed orders.

The rain only seems to get heavier as the horses struggle forward. Then I see some horses to the far left, and signal the girl to go and retrieve them. Sanshi's team had been forced to use their gear then - that much was clear. But the horses wouldn't have wandered far from the team, so where the fuck were they?

And then I smell it.

The stench of Titan steam and decomposition. How disgusting. But also encouraging. By the time we reach two skeletons left in the dirt, the girl has returned with the horses in tow. I look over the mound of bones, they appear be both Twelve meter classes. I knew that Sanshi's team could handle that much, so that didn't account for their missing.

Then we see the rest.

Holy shit.

Now comes the body parts and debris. Now comes the sickening loss of life. What a waste.

It takes a while but we eventually reach the end of the bloodied breadcrumb trail. In the wake of a steaming skeleton, goo still dripping from its bones sits Sanshi on her knees. She's facing away from us, but she's upright and moving. I look up to the pissing clouds, and accept that I owe someone upstairs a favour. I had to admit the brat was growing on me. At least I think she was, either that or I had seriously bad heartburn.

As I dismount I can hear her muttering.

"Open your eyes Isa. Just fucking open your eyes."

Over and over she says this.

I walk over slowly, not wanting to startle the raving lunatic. And then I gag a little. She's pressing relentlessly onto the chest of her teammate. Only that's all that's there. No head, no limbs. There were no eyes to fucking open. But on she goes. Her own clothes stained in blood, but I wonder how much is her own. With each push blood oozes from the corpse. This is revolting.

I turn to the two that had followed me, nodding at the body under Sanshi and indicating they should collect it. In this weather I couldn't risk going to get the other bodies, more Titans could easily come along. And enough death was feeding the ground for one day. They walk round in front of Sanshi as I kneel by her side and put a careful hand on her shoulder.

"Open your eyes Isa. Just fucking open your eyes."

"Sanshi."

"Open your eyes Isa. Just fucking open your eyes." She gasps, replacing some of the rain with her tears as she shudders under my hand. Suddenly she's not pushing on the chest palms down, she's slamming her fist against it. Hammering like her life depended on it. " _Open your eyes!_ "

"Robyn!" I shout and she freezes. It's just the rain and her shaky panting now. I make no more move, I knew how deranged she could be, and I wasn't sure if she had a weapon nearby. I glance at the other two who are unfolding a blanket from a horse's pack. It'll serve as a body bag.

Slowly Sanshi straightens up and turns. The panting still rattling from her as she stares my way, not really seeing anything. There's nothing there. No pain, no fear, nothing. Reality wasn't somewhere she wanted to be. I knew the fucking feeling well enough. But on her, where there was usually a mess of emotion and tells, it was damned terrifying. Her mouth opens and she takes a deep, thought choked, breath.

"I should've died. Not them."

The other two flinch as these dead sounding words roll off her tongue. I meet her gaze and hold my nerve against the unyielding gold of her heavy lidded eyes. It wasn't a question, it was a damn certainty in her mind.

"We need to go." I don't bother disputing her statement, this wasn't the place or the time.

"Yes, sir."

And with that she stands up, and begins walking towards the horizon where the wall is in sight. Ignoring our horses completely. I sigh and go after her, the other two are wrapping up what little was left of Cadet Belon and loading it onto Jeager's horse. I signal them to head off back to formation. My other hand landing on the no longer shaking shoulder of Sanshi. She's like a statue; cold and obstinate. I'd been hoping she wouldn't join that club for at least a little longer.

"Cadet Sanshi, get on my horse."

"Yes, sir."

I almost wish she'd fought me on it. I wish she'd thrown a punch, bared her teeth and screamed. That was the Sanshi I knew. But as I climbed onto my horse and tugged her up behind me I still saw nothing in her eyes, no fire, no drive, nothing. I grit my teeth and hold her hands against my stomach as she holds onto my waist, I hold her hands to make sure the idiot doesn't just let go and fall off. It seemed likely.

She's still mumbling but I block it out, wondering whether or not the whole team had been lost. She wasn't ripped in half or bleeding out, but I wondered how much of her mind would be left after this. The kid had seen shit and dealt with plenty of it too, but this was beyond that.

I cringe against the memory of my own Squad plastered against the forest. Blind eyes staring, demanding to know why they died instead of me. Why I hadn't saved them. Why my orders hadn't worked. Why I hadn't… there never was an answer. This was a pit not easily crawled out of. I wasn't sure I had even managed it myself. Since that mission I'd been that much less accepting of Erwins's orders. But as a soldier you just had to fucking get on with it.

The only thing that has really changed since that mission was meeting this maniac. She allowed distraction, she gave almost as few fucks as me. It was refreshing.

As her mumbling continues I wonder if I'll be able to help her how she helped me.

I watch the gate and formation come into view and hold her hands a little tighter. I would help her. Dammit, I had to. The woman was ridiculous, insane and reckless to the point of being deranged; but our late night meetings had lit a fire in me for the first time in too many years. I wasn't ready to have that flame lost. No matter how hard the rain fucking poured.

* * *

ROBYN POV

Isa Belon, Jaren Kezen, Kila Sohon, and Neran Torl.

These were the four names, the four lives, I'd successfully failed, and wiped out of existence.

Good job.

I think we've passed through the gates, it seems like mere minutes later though. How can we have all died so close to the wall? So close to home? I don't dare look back though, I just concentrate on the heartbeat I can hear through the back of my Captain. So steady. How can he be so calm? The Captain is holding my hands like a vice, I consider that he probably expects me to try and run off. In all honesty I probably would, but for now I'm just focusing on the strength of his back. My own spine seems to have given up as I slump my head against his shoulder blade.

Am I speaking?

I can feel my lips moving, but I can't hear the words. I can only hear the clack of the horse's hooves against the cobbles. We must be at the back of the line, I hear no horses behind us as we traipse through the streets. Despite the weather, some townsfolk have still gathered to welcome us home.

The Wings of Freedom.

Little did they know we were drenched in the blood of the young. Thanks to me.

"What a waste…" The bitter mutters begin and I feel the hands on mine tighten a little. Is that for me or him? Probably both.

"Fucking joke really."

"What do they expect if they go waltzing out there? Idiots. Of course they're gonna die, they might as well line up and jump off the wall. Suicidal morons."

Nope.

That's the straw that snaps my patience. I tug my hands free from the Captain's grip, this made easier by the fact we're both drenched from the rain. I slide off the horse and walk, or possibly stumble, over to the fat rat of a man. How could such a pathetic creature think himself worthy of questioning brave soldiers?

His yellowed eyes look me up and down, but when they hit my face he goes pale. I bet I looked a little scary. I probably looked nuts. My eyes are wide, they have been since the muttering began. I can feel myself twitching, and shuddering as I try and steady my voice. My hand grips his sweaty throat and I lift him an inch from the ground. My strength surprises me, fuck knows what he's thinking.

"How about we take a little trip up the wall? Would you like to see the view from your pen, you useless pig?" I say it blankly, barely recognising my own voice as it falls like a gravestone onto marble, whilst I squeeze his windpipe. It'd be so easy to snap, to just pop open and let the useless life drift out of him. Why did shit like this endure, and yet those willing to make a difference anded up discarded in tiny pieces?

There's a hand on my shoulder. It holds tight as the voice of my Captain rumbles into my ear. But I can't make out the words, I can only see this man in my grip shake his red cheeked face, filthy hands clambering at my unyielding grip. I throw him into a nearby puddle, enjoying the mud that splatters over his disgusting face. He looks more like a pig with each passing second. I loom over him, almost convulsing with the shudders that are running through my body. I don't think I've even blinked yet. The Captain is still holding onto my shoulder, but he's not tugging me back. I think he knows he can't at this point. I stare down at the filthy man in the puddle, his pathetic eyes wide as he watches me bare my teeth at him a second time.

"We don't waltz. And we expect to help humanity. We _expect_ to come home with progress made, we _expect_ to at least find the people left in this stone cage to respect us. We don't _expect_ a fucking parade, but I do _expect_ you to keep that slimy tongue behind your crooked teeth from now on. My team died for you. _Isa Belon, Jaren Kezen, Kila Sohon,_ and _Neran Torl_. I will not have you squander their memory. I will not—"

And suddenly I'm on the floor.

Ow.

I wonder if the captain got sick of my words, but then I spot him across the street. Whoever has done this had clearly come from nowhere. I look up to momentarily see an enraged, bearded face before a fist slams into my head, and a foot kicks my stomach. I'm surprised it didn't break right through. I'm about to fight back when I hear his broken voice and freeze.

"You killed my Isa? My little girl!"

And the attack continues. But I can't fight back. Not this time.

I've already sat up, but I just stay there, on my knees staring up at him. I can't even make the apology leave my mouth. It's strangling me as I comprehend the unbridled grief and rage of this man. Isa's father slaps me, kicks me, punishes me for my failings, and my wide eyes just keep staring. Blood dribbles from my nose and mouth, but I only grunt as his boot hits my ribs again. This was a father who had loved his daughter. I didn't really know what that felt like, but I knew what his grief felt like as it created fresh bruises and wounds. Carry on sir, destroy the monster who let your girl die. I glance at the man I had previously berated, he's just staring at me in fear. I wonder what kind of monster I seem to him.

I had hated my father for years for killing my mother and brother, and yet here I sat, having killed four people's children. I wasn't as bad as Vincent. I was so much worse.

Suddenly there's rushing footsteps and I see the Captain shove Isa's father back. He makes no other move except standing in front of me. I try and focus on what he's saying, only really hearing out of one ear at this point. But it's no use, it's just thunder rolling around my head as I sag forward and cough up blood. Damn there was a lot.

I wonder if the man is planning on attacking the Captain. But apparently Isa's father isn't an idiot, knowing full well who's talking to him. He backs away, rough sobs ripping from him as he fades into the crowd.

I can still hear his cries as the Captain puts his hands under my arms and lifts me up to fling me over his horse. I lie there, facing the sky as the horse is lead onward. I stare up as the rain begins to stop, a few droplets spattering against my upturned face. I know there's pain, in fact there's a lot of it. But I refuse to whimper, I refuse to sob. I had no right to. I just try and suck the bitter air in through my blood caked lips.

I'm not doing very well am I Keza?

But at least I'm alive right?

I must've passed out on the way back to HQ. When I wake I see a blinding white light. That made no sense. It should be fire and brimstone surely? Then I smell chemicals and realise I'm in the infirmary. Well that made more sense than heaven at least.

I peer to my left and to my right, but everything is simply swirling colours and a few faint echoes. I sit up, ignoring the pain as I shift myself to sit against the head of the metal bed. It's icy but I just sit there and stare around me, waiting for my eyes to adjust. Gradually the room becomes clear; the other beds are full, cadets walking to and fro, chatting and soothing. Comradery.

I look down at my filthy hands, blood dripping from them like a river. I try and wipe it onto my blanket but it just smears there, taking nothing off my hands. Dammit. This would take years to clean off. I wondered if it would ever even dry?

I see a figure appear at the foot of my bed. It's Eren. He walks towards me, green eyes bright as he gives a nervous smile. I think he's talking? His thin lips are moving, making his soft cheeks shift and crease. His mess of brown hair is ruffled and he runs a hand through it, a blush appearing on his face as I fail to respond. My face feels like a mask, unmoving and unyielding. But I don't want to break it. I wonder what would happen if I did. I'd probably start screaming. That would just be irksome for everyone, no need for such dramatics.

I slowly blink and nod at Eren, I had no idea what he's saying, but I thought I'd at least let him know I could see him. His mouth hangs open for a moment, I think he's pegged that I'm not understanding him. He puts a shaky hand on top of mine and squeezes. I look down and notice the tan of his skin against the pasty white of mine, blood oozing between our flesh.

I looked dead.

Dead.

I flinch and see the four cadets. They're lined up round the bed, torn apart, steaming and decomposing in front of me. I shudder and gasp as I cling to the bed sheets, a weird sobbing noise spluttering out of my chapped lips. My vision blurs and I feel hot, angry tears pour down my mask. But otherwise I maintain the porcelain armour. I slam my hands against my head, pummelling my skull as I demand answers.

Why wasn't I quicker?

Why didn't I plan better?

Why didn't they trust me?

Did they know I'd fail? Of course they fucking did, you moron. Dammit Vincent, why didn't you just stop me when I was eight? So many fucking lives would've been saved from my wake.

I feel something pierce my arm.

I snarl and grab the syringe, flinging it across the room before trying to get out the damned bed. I think I'm screaming something? I don't know where the hell I think I'm going, but I don't get far. Soon enough my face smacks off the cold ground. I can't get up as I stare at my outstretched hand, pooling blood over the otherwise clean floor.

Blood was a bugger to clean.

The Captain would be displeased.

The shadows take me.

* * *

 **So yeah.. intense... hope you guys enjoyed.**

 **Thanks for reading! Updates coming soon! I have no schedule in mind if you hadn't already guessed... so basically.. when I've edited / feel like I'm not just bombarding people with my stuff... Cheerio!**

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 **Have a good day!**

 **P.S I have started creating art for this fic, I say art, I mean attempts at it, but its all on Deviant Art under the id: Frantastic1993. So if you're interested, go have a gander at it, if not, carry on as you were!**


	10. Lullaby

**Hope you enjoy! More Levi POV in this chapter :) quite a bit actually...**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

* * *

Red and silver flash through my dreams. Voices scream in my ear, echoing as I run and slip in the mud. But I look down and see it isn't mud, I'm clambering over countless corpses, faces drawn and pale as they stare at me. They demand to know why I'm still breathing, why am I running free? Why does my weak heart still beat and refuse to be silenced? I feel arms wrap round my legs and begin to pull me under. I submerge beneath the pile of death and feel blood flood into my mouth and nostrils. I'm drowning in it as I scream and claw out. I don't know why I'm fighting, I don't deserve to survive any more than they did, but still my body thrashes against it.

Selfish bitch.

"Dammit Robyn wake up."

I slam against the mattress and stare up at the silver gimlets of my Captain. His hands force my shoulders back into the mattress and I just let myself fall limp. Now blinking, not reacting other than taking a long, calming breath that rattles as it enters my shivering body. My muscles ache. Presumably I'd been thrashing in my sleep. He sighs and sits down on a chair. I turn my head to him and watch him as he watches me. Our expressionless matching.

"You probably woke the whole fucking HQ."

He looks to the side and picks up his cup of tea, steam rising as he sips it, eyes trained on me once more. I look back up to the ceiling, not needing his judgement on top of my own. I try and move my arms, and find they're not bound. Odd.

"I didn't think binding you would help the dreams."

I nod. My fingers twitch against the sheets, sticky with sweat and blood. My throat pinches and I long for the sweet oblivion of liquor. I needed a drink. I needed an escape. Perhaps it would numb me enough to allow the shadows to finish the job? But even as I consider this my body tenses, prepared for a fight. Dammit, just give in you fanatic.

"Say something Cadet."

I turn to him with a raised brow. He waits, eyes watching my lips. I look back to the ceiling and slowly part my lips, but a small whimper builds in my throat and I feel my eyes widen as I prepare to scream the hospital wing down. I just clamp a hand over my mouth and shake my head, clenching my jaw against the howls that ache in my throat. I hear another sigh before a weight appears on the bed by my hip. His boots lean on the bed as he leans back in his chair. He was in for the long haul. Idiot, didn't he know this ship had sailed?

"Guess I should've seen that coming. Just try and sleep Cadet."

He won't take no for an answer, I know this. I nod and let my eyes flicker closed, gripping the sheets as the images return. But I keep them closed as the minutes crawl by, it's excruciating but I stay silent, waiting for him to fall prey to sleep.

Eventually his breathing slows and deepens.

I carefully open my eyes and peer to him. He's asleep. Or at least he's doing a damned good job of pretending. I slowly sit up and swing my legs out of the bed. I stumble a little, but soon enough find my feet. My civvie clothes are next to my bed, I grab them and shrug them on, ignoring the ache of my bruises and healing injuries.

I knew what I needed.

But then I pause at the hospital door. I couldn't face the punch-bag in this state, the damn thing would just laugh at me.

I knew what I wanted.

I head for Hanji's lab and am thankful to find it empty. My feet are caked in mud now, no shoes were left for me, but I continue into the dank little outhouse, squelching my way across. I rake through the cupboards and grin as I find the cupboard filled with clear glass bottles.

Sweet, sweet medicine.

I take three bottles and hold them under my arm, I then go to the bathroom and grab a scrubbing brush. It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it. I walk around aimlessly for a while before I realise where I want to be. I want to see the stars. I head to the roof. No one is around, I guess it's in the middle of the night?

I shove the door open to the roof, jamming a splinter of wood in place to keep preying nosy bastards out. Or in. I was the one outside after all. I snicker as I go and sit on the edge of the roof, enjoying the free air that tickles the muddy bottoms of my feet. Oh dear, I glance at the muddy smears across the roof. Had I tracked mud all the way through the castle? Well, it was easier to clean than blood. If I'd walked on my hands, the place would be dripping rubies.

I pop open a bottle and bring it to my lips, letting the clear liquid douse the screams down to small sobs. The screams still try and escape, but I just bite down on the bottle opening, the glass squeaking against my clenched teeth. The escape glugs down my throat, and I concentrate on the fact oblivion would be here soon.

It's late.

The lazy bastard doesn't actually arrive till I'm finished the second bottle, belching a little loudly as I hang back, legs holding me in place as I throw my arms out. I feel like I'm floating. Or was it flying? Or even falling? I absentmindedly ask the world why I'm still here, but as per usual there is nothing but annoying silence. Really it was just rude to not answer. It was a simple enough question.

And then I feel the trickles going down my wrists and I shudder.

Lazily I look around through glazed eyes and grab the scrubbing brush.

It might take all night, but I'd get these hands clean.

* * *

 **LEVI POV**

"What do you want Levi?"

Dammit brat, say it again.

I can't understand why my name sounds so good coming out of that brat's mouth. But whenever it slides past those red lips I feel a little warmer. She's hovering just above me, her warm body so fucking close. It's torture but I just stare, staying put as she enjoys her little game. The moonlight shines in her golden eyes, like a wolf on the hunt, she smiles oddly sweetly.

Dammit she was beautiful.

Fiery red hair in cascades just below her slender shoulders. Golden eyes framed by thick dark lashes, sun kissed skin beautifully smooth though littered by scars. She was lean and powerful, not skinny like those other brats, she was woman, not a girl. And those damned lips. The smirks, the smiles; the way she bites them when she knows she's said too much, or used too much profanity.

Dammit she was intoxicating at times.

"You." I manage to say, entire body aching to just grab her, rip what little clothing she has left on and fuck her senseless. I wanted to claim her, make those lips scream my name. Then I gasp as I feel her long nails scrape along my belt line. You have got to be kidding me woman. I wonder if she's forgetting that I could snap her in two if I wanted. I look down at her, noticing the tint of red across her face as she mischievously grins. "Now."

Finally she undoes the belt and button. I can barely breathe as I she kisses down my chest and over my stomach. Fucking hell, this woman knew what she was doing. I feel her chest softly dragging down, I peer down and swallow hard as she tugs down my zipper with her teeth. Holy shit. I can't take this much longer woman, I hope you realise this. My hands twitch, wanting to run all over her, feeling every dip and curve.

Suddenly her mouth is back on mine and I let go a little. Hunger is all I feel as I grab the back of her head and pull her closer, salivating at the taste of her tongue. I can't help but groan as I feel her elegant hands trace my dick. Fucking hell, I nip at her tongue and lips as my need rages in me.

I needed this. I hated needing anything, but I needed this.

Dammit, I needed her right now.

Bang.

I sit upright and blink wearily at the waking world. Fucking hell, it was just a dream. Then I smirk a little, at least it was a memory too. My lips are tingling at the echoes of my dream but I grumble a little, why the hell had the door slammed right then? Couldn't I at least enjoy a fucking dream? And now my tea's gone cold too. This just gets better and better.

I look to the hospital door. Whoever that was, better not wake the brat. She needed sleep, I hoped it was dreamless at least. Damn woman was a wreck. Understandably so, but I knew her scattered mind could only deal with so much.

I clench my jaw a little as I remember that bastard slapping her in the street, what kind of man punishes a woman like that? I knew what grief felt like, but surely he could see it in the Cadet's eyes as he beat her? Surely he saw how dead inside she was because of the loss of her team. Damn moron. I wanted to tear his bearded head clean off, but I knew it'd do no good. None of it ever did.

I watch shitty-glasses walk towards me, looking rather confused in her dressing gown. I got up and walked towards her a little awkwardly, fucking tight trousers.

"What the hell Glasses?" I hiss, "You wanna wake her up?"

"Wake who up? She's not there shorty!" She hisses right back, turning me roughly by the shoulder.

I only then notice the lack of lump in the bed. Where the fuck was she? I notice her civilian clothing is gone and groan, what was the idiot up to now? Then I feel cold. I know far too fucking well the kind of thoughts that plague a mind after losing an entire team. I grit my teeth and turn back to glasses, who is looking round the hospital as though expecting Robyn to be hiding under someone's bed. C'mon glasses, that'd be too easy. Plus we'd have heard her muttering, or giggling.

"Why are you even here? How'd you know she was gone Glasses?"

"A cadet from the third floor said she heard some weird noises coming from the staircase, then singing. Kid thought there was a ghost. So I came here to see if Robyn had gone wandering. Guess I was right!" She grins and I just stare for a moment, waiting for the penny to fucking drop through that cluttered head.

Ding.

The glasses flash and she's suddenly dragging me towards the staircase to the roof. I wonder why I'm not running full pelt. Then I notice the knot in my gut. Seriously man? This was no time to be a damned brat. I grunt and shrug off shit-glass's clammy hands, striding in front of her. The closer we get to the stairway the louder that weird melody gets. I didn't even know Robyn sang.

Damn… it was creepy.

A few cadets are looking out their doors, rubbing their eyes as they stupidly look around, slack-jawed idiots.

"Go the fuck to sleep." I snarl at them, bounding up the stairs three at a time till I'm at the door. It's never locked, and yet now I can't get the fucking thing open. I hammer on the wood. The song simply continues. What the hell was she doing out there? There's no words, she's just letting those eerie notes fly up into the air aimlessly. Nutter.

I look at Hanji who just shrugs back uselessly. Thanks miss scientist, a great help.

"Cadet Sanshi. Open this fucking door." I hammer on the door again. The song stops and I hear a laugh, a strangled sound that makes my skin crawl. "Now, Cadet."

Nothing.

I hear footsteps and suddenly Jeager's there with a few of his friends. Great, more brats.

"What's going on Captain?" Jeager asks, suddenly going pale as he hears the singing start up again, a little more frantic now. Like she's rushing towards something?

I shove my shoulder against the door, ignoring the stupid question. What did he think was happening? A damned party on the roof? Maybe a talent competition? Or even a cooking lesson? I wonder how well his stupid self would work as a battering ram against the door. I hear glasses voice as she turns to explains to the idiots as I step back to kick the damn thing down.

Surely she wouldn't do anything stupid? She fought too hard to give in so easily. But my mind fizzes as I remember the darkness a mind distraught was capable of. But she wasn't like me. She wasn't that fucking weak.

The door splinters beneath my boot and I stride out into the frigid night air. And then I stop. I can't do anything but stare at the woman before me. The husk of a woman.

She's sat on the edge of the roof's little wall, two empty bottles of Glass's brew discarded beneath her. She's swinging back and forth, almost toppling off the roof with each swing as she continues to sing, her arms making weird little jerks each time. What the fuck was she doing? A pause comes to her creepy little song and she looks over her shuddering shoulder. I swallow hard as I take in the pale face leering back at me. Her eyes are empty looking, dark bruising surrounding them as she smiles over at us.

The rest of the group linger behind me.

"Oh hi, sorry... w-was I being too loud? I-I was just s-singing the troops a lullaby… I h-haven't sung in ages. Good thing too I suppose. _Nobody likes to hear a cat being slammed into a wall_." She chuckles coarsely, slamming her hand against her head a second later, leaving a strange red smudge there afterward.

Why was there blood on her hands?

I take a step forward but a hand holds me back. I look at the hand, and feel like ripping it off, but the Jeager kid just stares at me, eyes wide with warning. This was a tricky situation. I got it kid. I nod at him and turn back to the woman as she finally stops hitting her head and laughs a little more genuinely. The beautiful bubbling noise seems so out of place here.

"B-but they said they liked it, they said it helped a l-little, so I thought I'd keep going y'know? But… but then they got m-m-mad. D-didn't you guys? You didn't want to heart me sing? N-Nah… k-kinda rubbing it in. I'm still here whilst they're plastered against the ground."

"Cadet, Sanshi?"

"Tiny little bits, spread like chunky jam over dry toast."

"Robyn?" I edge forward, her pale eyes flash to me and I freeze, watching for her making a move over the edge. I mean, she was well over already, but I didn't fancy watching her make the literal jump as well. But a smile creases her golden gaze and I breathe a little deeper. There's a quick wave and she tilts her head, hair cascading over her shoulder.

"Hey there Captain."

"Hello Cadet. I need you to—"

"I'm sorry but I think I failed… I-I think I b-broke my promise?"

"What promise cadet?"

"I-I think I got attached… no…" She frowns and slams her hands to her temples again, I don't show it but every time she does that I feel my chest tighten. Fucking idiot was going to turn her brain to mush. "No… I didn't p-promise did I? But I-I-I can't stop it. They w-won't go away. Captain, they won't stop screaming at me, and my head hurts! W-why won't they stop, sir?"

"They will Cadet." I try and find the right words. This was not my area at all. But it was clear none of the useless shits behind me were planning on helping. So I just try my best. I had to at least try. "Just give it time. They'll stop... I promise."

"Y-you do?" Her expression clears a little.

"Of course, you just need to come over here."

"And that'll stop them?" She frowns and I nod, outstretching my hand towards her. But she just throws her head back and laughs, suddenly jumping up and wandering along the roof's edge, wobbling all the while. I feel like charging over and grabbing her, holding onto that slender waist with all my strength, ignoring her screams and flails. But I can't. I'm quick, but she's damned quick too.

"You're _lying_ Captain. You're just pissed because I-I went and wasted more lives. Well I tried okay?! I t-t-tried to save them! I tried!"

She turns, angry now as she jabs a bloodied finger into her heaving chest. Her hair falls in front of her face and she bares her teeth, her old fire now prominently on show. How I hoped she wouldn't burn out. I lower my hand and keep my face composed.

"I'm not angry Cadet."

"Pfft, you're always angry, ninja man." She sniggers, holding her stomach as she leans back with her laughter. I edge forward again as her feet edge back, heels dangling off the roof. "But I guess you mean y-you're n-not angry at m-me?"

"Correct, Cadet."

"Y-You're a fucking moron." She cackles, a bright blush on her face. I clench my fists. Treading lightly was doing nothing, I needed to get a hold of this lunatic before she sent herself to her death. After everything it'd be pathetic for her die that way. Plus she'd break anything below her, and make a big mess. I wasn't going to clean that up.

"I will be angry, Cadet, if you don't get your ass over here now."

"B-but I haven't got it all off yet!" She whines, falling to her knees beside her remaining half bottle of poison. I take another step and she suddenly looks panicked at my closeness. She grabs something and seems to scrub at her hand? My mind flashes back to the bathroom where I found her, shivering and quiet, scratches all over her hands. Fuck.

"I can't get them c-clean C-captain. It won't come off!"

Then she grabs the bottle and pours it over her hand, the liquid turning red as it pours across her gaping wound and splashes against the cold stone. I can hear the whimpering of the group behind me, all wanting to help, and all desperate for this to end. I swallow hard as I take in the sight of what she's done. Half her left hand is gone, I shudder as I see bits of bone where she's worn right through. The pain is clear to see in her face as the alcohol burns into her. Tears streak her pale face. So much passion in one person was dangerous.

"I'll help."

"R-really?" she stammers through her clenched teeth, still pouring as she stares. I nod and lunge, closing the gap and grabbing her wrists. She tries to fight me, but she's like a child against my strength. I'm probably bruising her, even spraining her wrists, but I just pull her down form the wall, ignoring her as she kicks and screams. Dammit woman let me help you. Please.

"It won't come off! It won't!"

"It will Robyn, it will." I put my arms round her shoulders and hold her to my chest as she wails and sobs, hands clawing at my back as he tries to fight me and the demons off. I stroke her hair, hoping the madness will ebb soon. She begins to jabber again, muffled against me but loud enough that I know the whole group can hear.

"I-I should've let them outrun me, then the bear would have left them. I should've trusted their plan!"

Bear?

"They just needed me to stay put! They were so clever Levi!" She gasps, I pull away a little, looking down at her suddenly excited face, eyes wide with fresh tears spilling out. What was she talking about? I wait and she gives a disturbing smile.

"I was meant to be the decoy! Remember? You just have to outrun the person behind you. Then the bear won't get you! I tried to kill the bear though… a-and I f-failed… but they were so clever, they got r-rid of my gear and everything. They tried to help me do the right thing and I ignored them! W-why did I ignore them!?"

"How did they help you Robyn?"

"Isa, or was it K-Kila? They kicked my gear off… I could… what did she say? Sh-she said… _You fucking murderer!_ " I cringe back as she howls into my chest, suddenly clinging to me as her knees give out. I go with her, holding her closer, as though I could hold together as she crumbled in front of me. Right now I feel like I can't do a damned thing. I can't even fathom what she's saying.

Her team had used her as a decoy? I think that was what she was saying. A bear… that was it, you didn't have to outrun the bear, just the person behind you. They left her to die and tried to save themselves? I grit my teeth against the rage, those fucking brats, they didn't know she'd have done anything to save them?

"You're not a murderer."

"Oh but I am."

Her voice is suddenly calm and cold. I could barely keep up with this seesaw of emotion. She tenses, letting her arms fall to her side, nails scraping against the stone below as she tries to grip onto something. I'm slightly glad she hadn't done that to my back. Shivering returns to her frame.

"I am no better than them. I'm no better than him."

"Stop it." I snap and she jolts a little, but only continues.

"I've been killing for a long time."

"Sanshi, stop."

"I killed my mother, I killed my brother, I killed my father. I killed those women who hurt me and my friends. I killed myself. I killed those c-cadets."

And she tries to push me away, feeble as she leaves bloodied stains on my shirt and jacket. Her words are tumbling out of her, no reason or meaning to them. They're nonsense and nothing more. I try and keep my cool. I just have to get her back to reason. She knew the way back, I'm sure she did. She had to.

"G-get back, all of you." She croaks, efforts weakening as my hold on her only strengthens. I had to hope. I had to believe that the woman I gave into was in there somewhere. "G-get away C-captain… Or I'll k-kill you too."

"You haven't killed anyone."

"N-no you don't understand Levi! You don't know! There's too much blood. Too m-much, and it's all over me, I can't get it off. I can't get clean. I-I need to go, I-I need to get over the wall… I need to—"

I slap her.

"Levi!" Hanji shouts and I can hear scuffling. Stupid brats. I glance back to glare down the Jeager kid as he tries to fight off his comrades to get at me. Smart kids. He catches my gaze and falters. Yeah, that's right brat, you know I'm just trying to help. You know that better than anyone.

"Cadet Sanshi look at me." I say, composing my expression as she looks up through her tangled hair, mouth gasping for air as her wide eyes watch me emptily.

"Y-yes, sir?"

"You will listen. You will understand."

"Yes, sir."

"You are not a murderer. You did not fail. You will not let this beat you."

"Yes, sir."

"You will calm down, shut up, and you will let us clean you up. You will obey."

"Yes, sir." She whispers, closing her mouth and biting her lip a little. Slowly blinking as she focuses on her orders, like the brilliant soldier I knew she was.

I stand up, taking her with me. But I soon find she can barely walk, either due to exhaustion or her late night drinking game. I quickly swoop down and hitch her up into my arms, cradled against my chest as she stares straight ahead. I wonder what she sees. Or if she sees anything.

I look up at Hanji and our audience, they all stare at my charge and seem lost. I could understand it, she was a tough little shit, and this was a sorry display.

"Hanji, come with me to the infirmary and we'll get Cadet Sanshi bandaged. Jeager, go to Hanji's lab and get some healing serum. Plenty of it. Kirschtein, grab those bottles and dispose of them. The rest of you, get the fuck back to bed. No arguments. Go."

We set her down in the bed and clean her up, I'm careful as I can be with her mauled hand but she doesn't respond at all. She just stares forward. I think I preferred the mumbling. The healing serum is applied, and she lies back, letting Hanji tuck her in gently. Still no change. I wonder if she's even blinked. The silence is heavy, but I know we can scarcely imagine the noise going on in that head. That crazed, scattered head.

"You gonna stick around Levi?" Glasses says, her voice is coarse. I think she's been crying. I turn and nod, keeping my face blank as my comrade gathers her things and heads for the door. She pauses to turn and fight against a wobble of her bottom lip. "You think she'll be able to—"

"She'll pull through. Got to bed Glasses."

She nods, a small smile in place as she turns and heads to her quarters. I wait as the door swings a little, till finally falling closed with a soft click. Silence retakes the infirmary, only a few whispered breaths from the sleeping patients around us. I clench my fist and turn to see her still staring up at the ceiling, I don't bother saying anything as I go and sit in my chair. I pick up my book and try to concentrate on the pages. But my eyes keep flicking back to Sanshi and her blank mask. She just keeps staring up. I click my tongue and turn a page. I have no idea what I'm reading right now.

I think a couple hours have rolled by, a faint light breaking over the horizon. I hear her take a deep, almost smooth, breath. I glance her way and watch as she slowly blinks. A single tear rolls down her cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb.

"Get it together Sanshi."

"Yes, sir," she whispers. She almost sounds like herself.

I freeze, hand resting by her head, keeping my mask in place as she turns her head to me. The gold is cold as it stares into me. I don't know what she's looking for, I have nothing to give her but orders. But then she smiles. It's faint. But it's there.

"G-Guess I got a bit carried away?" she croaks, eyebrows raising as a blush appears on her pale face. I sit back and put my boots on her bed, needing some space between me and that almost adoration filled gaze.

"Just a bit."

"Did I hurt anyone?" She sniffs and clears her throat a little. I shake my head, keeping my eyes glued to her in case she makes another stupid move. "Good... Did I puke?"

"Amazingly enough no, brat. But you did fuck up your hand." I nod to the bandaged lump at the end of her arm. She raises it and frowns a little, her bottom lip jutting out a little.

"I think I wanted to get it clean…"

"Well it's definitely that. Idiot."

"Sorry, sir."

"You've done enough wallowing tonight. Get some sleep." I pick up my book again, more using it as a shield than anything else. I can hear the heaviness to her breathing, but it was to be expected. I hear her finger scrape against the bed sheet as she attempts sleep, but soon enough her eyes fly open.

Too much noise.

"How do you do it?" her voice is so small, I can't deal with this side to her. This wasn't her.

"Close your eyes, brat."

"Sir." I sigh at her pleading voice, a small shudder running over her body. "Please? H-how do you face anything else? I mean… it's hardly the same situa—"

"If you claim that I'm not to blame for my Squad's death, but you're to blame for yours, I'll kick the shit out of you Cadet. Got it?"

She nods.

I groan and sit up, leaning on my knees as I search for the right words. I had no magical cure. No sure way to deal with this shit. It wasn't something we, as humans, were meant to deal with. None of this shit was. But the kid was hurting, she'd been decent enough to help me. I had to at least attempt helping her.

"Time helps."

She nods.

"And getting back out there to finish the job. Other than that, brat, I can't advise much."

"Okay, sir. I'll do that." She whispers with another weak smile, "But… will the faces ever stop living behind my eyelids? It's getting pretty crowded back there…"

"Who do you see Cadet?"

"I see my mother, my little brother, three little girls, you in the Titan's hand, and now my four cadets. Soon I'll have a small country." She yawns and rolls onto her side, still facing me as she rests her hand under her pillow. "I s-suppose if my mother's face still hasn't faded… I know the answer to my own question."

"Guess you do."

"S-Still want a liability like me on your Squad?"

"You know the answer, idiot."

"Guess I do." She closes her eyes, smile still shakily in place. "Thank you, sir."

"For what?"

"Putting up with my shit."

"You had the guts to put up with mine. Least I can do."

She frowns, eyes still closed, I realise she thinks I'm only doing this out of pity. In all honesty I don't know for sure that I'm not. But as I watch her lie there, still, pale and weak I feel that weird sensation in my chest. Images of the vibrant, alluring woman I gave into that night. Eyes on fire as she dragged her nails across my skin. Such fire. She was a reckless moron, but dammit, sometimes the world needed that.

This isn't pity.

I don't really know what it is, but I know it isn't pity.

"I promise I'll get better soo—"

"Take the time to heal, Cadet. I'm not going anywhere." I snap, eager to have her rest instead of worrying about such moronic things. Surely she knew I wasn't about to leave her in the dirt? I never left anyone behind if I could help it. I sit back and rest my boots on the bed. Her frown smoothens out and I think she's falling asleep at last.

Finally, damned brat.

I glance to the window, hoping Erwin isn't moronic enough to try and give her another team to look after. She was a great leader, and I knew she'd have done everything and anything to save those damned brats. But this was too much. She was still young. Heck, there was still something salvageable in that scattered head of hers. He had no right to jeopardise that. But then I consider who I'm thinking about. Of course he fucking would. I'd have to talk to him. Thankfully he hadn't been around for this outburst. His trust in this woman's stability wasn't great as it was. But he'd listen to me, this time, I'd make him listen.

Or I'd rip those fucking eyebrows clean off.

* * *

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	11. Human

**Hello again reader, another installment for you! For those that aren't keen on them, small 'intimate' scene contained in this chapter. But otherwise, just the usual strong language etc. such potty mouths here!**

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* * *

It wasn't until a week later that I was able to sit up properly, and chat without stopping to shudder. It was frankly pissing me off. I knew this would take time, but my impatience with myself only grew with every shudder, every wince. I was alive, I felt like I should be more thankful for that. But whenever I dared think of being grateful, the guilt just slapped me round the head all over again. This cycle was getting dreary, I had to break it soon. As the days went by, I think it was my Captain that knew all this the best. Everyone else would paw, and fuss, but he just let it play out, and continued like nothing had happened. It was the best thing for me. I kept telling the others I was fine, but I guessed they'd heard this too many times. It wasn't getting through anymore.

The healing serum was doing wonders and by the end of the second week I was able to go bandage free. The sensation was amazing. I still have a pink scar running across the back of my hand. But I don't really know why. No one will tell me what I did. Except that I got drunk and started doing something to my hand, and singing. Or wailing, as the Captian put it so nicely. Eren seemed the most unwilling to expand on the night's events, his eyes turning sad and downcast if I ever dared bring it up. So after a while I stopped. The truth would come out. It always did anyway.

The Commander enters the hospital, and I hear his low voice rumbling to one of the nurses. Was he coming my way? I had wondered why he hadn't visited me before, but Hanji explained he was unaware of my after-hours fun time. Thank goodness. But still, as he appeared by the end of my bed, began to say something the Captain appeared.

The hell was this about?

The Captain was firm as he stood between the Commander and the end of my bed. Not blocking anything really, the Captain barely came to the Commander's chin. But the effect seemed to work, the blue eyes of the Commander suddenly glued to his subordinate in distaste. But as silence rules I just pulled my covers a little closer. This was tense.

"Captain Levi, please do not interrupt. I have business to discuss with Cadet Sanshi. Kindly move out of the way. Now."

"Not a chance."

I tried to figure out what exactly it was in the Captain's voice. It wasn't concern, it wasn't arrogance. Was it possession? I bloody hoped not. I was in no fit state to battle it now, but as soon as I was, that shit had to go. Then again I could have been wrong. It may well have just been he had a sore throat.

My powers of judgement were far from returned.

I kept seeing shadows of my team, and holding back my screams whenever they appeared. They weren't real. I knew this, I believed this. And yet terror gripped me like a fat man clinging to the last piece of bread. The shadows were paler every time, and no one knew I was still seeing this. I just had to pause and count to ten, smothering down the shrieks burning in my throat. Then I could continue as normal, blaming it on a potential burp trying to escape. Although I had my suspicions that this excuse was wearing thin on the Captain. One woman couldn't be that gassy.

But still, the two men stood there, squaring off. I felt like there should be dramatic drums going on in the background, but I fought the temptation of banging on the table to my side.

"Captain Levi, remove yourself."

"She isn't ready."

"I think Cadet Sanshi is perfectly capable. She can speak for herself, and lead another team."

"Yes, you _think_ , and I _know_ , she isn't. Leave her alone Erwin. We already discussed this."

"Time is—"

"Against us. I know that. But forcing that woman back into that situation? You'll not only have a potential team wipe out on your hands, but her loss as well. Is that what you want?"

Captain Levi walks back over and sits by my bed, glaring at the Commander as he leans back in the chair. He crosses his leg over the other, and folds his arms against his chest, raising a brow slowly. Such sass in that man.

Really, I'm just staring at this point. How the fuck did the Captain know me this well? Had I been talking in my sleep? I trace my lips with my slightly shaking fingers; I really hoped I hadn't been talking in my sleep.

"Of course not." The Commander sighs heavily, and looks at me in an odd way. Is it hope? Expectation? I can barely read them anymore, I hold my breath and wait for the question. I could tell, despite Levi's attempts, the Commander was going to ask anyway. "Cadet Sanshi. Would you be willing to lead a new te—"

"Please don't make me kill anyone else." I gasp, meeting his surprised gaze with wide eyes. The Captain almost stands again but waits to see where this leads. I grip my sheets and try to steady my voice. "I-I'm sorry Commander, I know it's a l-let down but… I can't do it. Maybe in the future, but r-right now? I can barely think for ten minutes without those faces appearing. I know it's weak. I know it's pathetic—"

"That is not what it is Cadet." Interrupts the Commander, pursing his lips. "I forget your youth, and inexperience with such tragedy. I apologise for my presumption."

"I-it's nice that you b-believed in me sir. But it's like Captain Levi s-said. You'd only be killing them, and probably me as well. Then again Fate has a funny way of sparing me…" I mutter looking down at my bed, still unsure why I was the one who got out alive.

"No need to use the past tense Cadet. My belief remains."

And with that the Commander salutes; and walks away, sighing all the while. He's not disappointed in me, I don't think. But he's disappointed in something for sure. Himself? Pfft. Not likely. I look down at my lap, and consider the fact that Erwin seriously thought I'd be good to go with a fresh team after two weeks? Two fricking weeks? I understood his awareness of time being against us, but surely he had to know this would knock me down? I'm nuts, but I am still human. Then again, perhaps I should take it as a compliment. He saw me as that jaded, and fucked up that he thought I'd brush it off and carry on.

Wait… that is not nearly as complimentary as I expected it to be…

"Don't worry, he'll drop it." The Captain is sipping tea, and reading a book, occasionally glancing my way. I sit back and cross my legs, twisting to crack my back and then my neck. Damn that felt good. "You creak like an old house."

"You look like an old man."

"Glad to see you're feeling better, brat."

"Enjoying your book?" I lean back and sigh at the cold of the metal nipping my spine. He shrugs and lays it to the side, draining his tea and setting that down to. This is all very calm. It was a little unnerving. But as the comfortable quiet continues, I wonder if this is my chance. "Captain… can I ask you what happened that night? What did I do?"

I'd asked him before, but he'd periodically ignored the question and moved onto the next subject. But this time he paused. Hesitation meant consideration. I kept quiet, running my finger along the strange outline to the pink scar on my hand. I don't remember biting into my hand, but it seemed plausible that I'd have thought myself a Titan. Drunk me, was weird. But I had heard someone mention scrubbing.

He was watching my finger, eyes tightening a little with reach lap my finger made.

"You sang. It was fucking creepy, but… shit, brat it was good too."

"Thanks… I think?"

"You were stinking drunk, and mad. I don't mean your usual either... You said, you were singing your troop a lullaby. You kept talking like they were there. It was ridiculous."

"Yes, sir."

"Then you started saying some shit about them helping you do the right thing?"

He pauses and watches me closely. I don't remember saying such things, but I know what I was referring to at the time. The clunk of my gear hitting the mud, the fact that Isa and Kila simply needed to outrun me to survive. Or at least that was what they thought. I can't quite believe I'd said it, but I guess that was what they had tried to do. They'd tried to help me save them. At least, that was one way of looking at it.

"They abandoned you to escape didn't they cadet?"

"They were kids. They were scared." I tug at a loose thread on my sheet, gritting my teeth against his judgemental face. This wasn't right, they weren't villains. And I certainly was neither a hero nor victim. He hadn't been there, he hadn't seen the fear. He trusted me, he knew me, so he was automatically giving me the benefit of the doubt? I frown, that didn't seem like the Captain at all. Perhaps he really believed I was good enough to lead. I sigh and close my eyes, he wasn't wrong often, but he was definitely wrong in believing that.

"They should have trusted you." He growls, impatient at my denial of their 'crime'. But I refuse to allow him this, I look at him sternly and click my tongue.

"And that's my failing."

"Hardly."

"I should've known they didn't trust me, and I should have said my team wasn't ready. Other teams said it, so why didn't I? Because they said they trusted me. And like the fool I am, I fucking believed them. Too desperate for it to be true, to actually see the damned truth."

"You can't read minds."

"But I _can_ read people. Or I thought I could…" I shake my head, shrugging in defeat as I scrape my hair back. This was clearly a pointless argument. And one neither of us was about to yield on.

"Robyn—"

"What else did I do on the roof?" I interrupt, replacing my anger with pleading. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. He was getting irritated at me, but it was better than pity.

"You started dancing along the wall, nearly falling off a couple times. Idiot."

"That could have been messy…"

"Then…" he cringes back a fraction. "Then, we realised you'd been trying to clean your hand. No idea how long for. But considering I could see bone, I'd say a fair while. You kept pouring the alcohol over it too. It looked damned painful, but on you went, like the nutter you are."

"And they say you're a clean-freak…" I pinch at the pink skin and lie down on the bed, tugging my sheets to my chin. "That it?"

"Pretty much. Although you did try and push me away when I _finally_ got hold of you."

"Would you rather I tried to fuck you in front of everyone?" I snort, ignoring his flash of anger as he looks around the room. Then realising no one would actually think I was serious, he leans down my level and gives a low growl.

"You could try, brat. But I'm not that easy."

"Sure you are." I laugh, hiding beneath the covers for a few moments to let the rage disperse. He flicks at my forehead through the fabric and I snigger darkly.

This felt good, there were no eggshells left to tread on.

"Starting to feel human again, Cadet?"

"Slowly, sir. Thanks."

"No problem."

"Did… Did I say anything else?" there's a pause and I know my hopes of that being it, are about to be dashed. Why was I such a talkative drunk?

"You were asking us to get away from you, before you killed us all."

"Wow, what a cheery drunk I am…"

"Comedic genius."

"But… I guess I had a point. An awful lot of people I get close to are now dead. Then again, I guess that can be applied to almost everyone in this regiment. I'm not special in my close dealings with Death. Greedy bastard that he is."

"Fat bastard."

I chuckle again, tugging the sheet off my head and smiling at his smirk.

"Guess it doesn't make much sense to ask you to stay away."

"No?"

"Fire works best when kept at close quarters." I snigger, gently touching his knee before retracting my hand and snuggling up to my pillow. A comforted feeling filling me as I nuzzled the soft fabric. I glance at him, and grin at his devilish smirk.

"Indeed it does, Cadet. Glad to hear you're still up for that."

"Me wearing a chastity belt is hardly going to bring my team back. If I'm the only one left alive, then I'd be best living. And I happen to enjoy our campfires."

"Mm, they have their enjoyable moments… Hey, Jeager, she's awake."

He signals the boy who had presumably been edging over from the door. I exchange a look with my Captain and he gathers his things to leave. As he walks away, he doesn't bother to glance back over his shoulder, then again why would he?

I look to Eren and smile broadly, something clicks in his young head as his green eyes shine a little. Suddenly he stumbles over and throws his arms round me, holding tight as though expecting me to vanish. I chuckle and pull him onto the bed a bit, leaning back and stroking his soft brown hair. What an adorable idiot.

"Hey Eren, what's with the dramatics?"

"You're back." He mumbles as he nuzzles into the crook of my neck, tightening his hold round my torso. I'm glad my bruises are gone, although I think he's making new ones. I just sigh and kiss his forehead.

"What're you talking about? I've been talking to you for the past two weeks! Didn't they count, or something?"

"N-not really…" he sits back a little, taking tight hold of my hand and carefully rubbing his thumb over my scar. "You weren't really there, I could see it in your eyes."

"But now I'm back?" I ask, widening my eyes so he can have a proper look, his wobbling lips break into his sweet smile and I just poke his cheek. "You're adorable Eren, ridiculous, but adorable."

"I missed you." He pouts at my comment and I just sit back, squeezing his hands.

"Missed you too."

"Really?"

"Of course, idiot." I sigh, enjoying the joy radiating from him. He was such a source of calm, of comfort. Of hope? I tap his nose. "Fancy getting some tea? I have a craving…"

* * *

It's another two weeks till I'm allowed to leave the infirmary. By this point my hand is only marred by the paler flesh of my scar. It'll linger for a long time, but at least now it isn't bright pink, and cheering to world about my lunacy.

I sit amongst my comrades in the mess hall, and listen to their tales about training, all the incidents, and Jean's fuck ups. This always leads to a spat between him and Eren, and I always just share a look with Mikasa as we sit back and wait for them to burn through it.

Speaking of burns.

I occasionally catch the Captain glancing my way, to which I nod and smirk when he quickly looks away again. He always frowns as well, annoyed that he'd been caught? Or annoyed that I had looked at him? Men were marvellously easy to play with at times. But we hadn't actually lit a fresh blaze yet, I wasn't quite ready for that kind of connection. He understood, he was a prick about it, but he didn't force me. Not that I was full on torturing the man. I kissed him, he kissed me, occasionally things got a little heated and suddenly our hands had minds of their own. But ultimately, we stayed vertical. Albeit leant up against the nearest wall panting as we redo our uniform, smoothing down our hair. I feel like a damned teenager, sneaking behind corners and making out. But they were small episodes of blissful distraction, so I wasn't about to object.

I shared in everyone's jokes, I joined in a little training to get myself back up to speed. But I still sought solitude a fair amount of the time. I couldn't even look my fellow rookie's in the face yet. No one whispered at me, no one threw me looks, but still I felt the shame. I also wasn't sure if this lack of judgement was genuine acceptance, or the result of the Commander, or Levi ranting at them.

Either way, I didn't have the courage to ask them, afraid that it might be the latter.

Either way, it didn't excuse my shame, my guilt… my regret.

While alone I didn't sit and cry, I wasn't letting myself be that pathetic. Mostly I just sat and tried to steady myself. I focused on all we had accomplished, on what had gone right, and tried to focus on what I could do with the life I still had. I would not waste it. It was difficult to do this, I always felt like I was rationalising for my own benefit.

But really was that so bad? I'd sit and stare at people training outside, I'd watch birds fly above HQ, I basically watched life happen around me. I marvelled at how the world kept turning. Perhaps rationalising was all we had in this situation. As humans, we weren't built very well to deal with death. We had an abnormal attachment to life. So it sort of made sense that we had to _convince_ ourselves that death was okay, when really we're hard-wired to rebel against it.

It was now two months since it had happened. I sat on my little wall on the roof and watched the birds fly overhead again. My tea steamed in between my hands, a small chip in the rim of my mug as I ran a finger along. It was weird how time just kept slipping by despite our personal tragedies.

Today we'd just got back from a small patrol outside the walls. No encounters had happened, just as planned, and amazingly enough I hadn't found myself freaking out. I hadn't frozen, I hadn't even cried. I just rode on, keeping my eyes trained on the horizon and my formation. Perhaps it was being back in Levi's Squad, perhaps it was the pep-talks I'd been given from everyone. Perhaps it was the three shots Hanji gave me of her special brew. But ultimately I think it was because I was beginning to properly heal.

I smile as I sip my tea and breathe out into the open air.

" _Isa Belon, Jaren Kezen, Kila Sohon,_ and _Neran Torl._ "

I whisper and smile softly, letting the damned tears fall gently.

"I hope you can forgive me, but I mainly hope you're at peace. If not, I'm so sorry, feel free to haunt my little life from now on. But…" I stare at the setting sun and feel the ache deepen in my chest, making me feel a little hollow till I sip my tea again and distract myself. "But today is when I start to live again okay? You'll always be in my head, you'll always have taught me countless lessons. But I can't let your losses rule me. Otherwise I can't keep going. I can't keep doing this okay?"

There's no reply of course. It'd be fucking terrifying if there was. But I like to think there's mutual agreement, along with a hair flick from Isa in all likeliness.

Her father had stared me down at her funeral, watching me as I placed a flower on the memorial, but he didn't say anything. I turned to him and shared in his stare. But I maintained my composure. Slowly nodding to him before returning to my regiment, clinging to Eren and Mikasa's hands as we headed back to headquarters. The other parents hadn't approached me, I assumed they either hadn't wanted to know who was responsible. Or they'd decided to not give a shit about me. In all fairness, they may have forgiven me. I didn't know. I didn't really want to. Forgiveness wasn't something I wanted, it wasn't something I really believed I deserved.

"I hope you guys got to wherever you hoped to go, and I hope I can use the time I still have to make a difference. That way you're still making a difference okay? I promise."

And as I finish my tea and stand up to salute the sunset, I feel a little closure settle around me. It wasn't an instant fix, it would still hurt like fuck whenever I dreamt of that day. But at least now I could at least try and walk past my guilt if it tried to block my path. The bugger was strong now, fed over years of mistakes and regret. But at this point I could still overpower it. And I would continue to do so until the last moment.

Tomorrow is a fresh day of training, and I had a funny feeling Hanji was chomping at the bit to carry on with her plans from that day so long ago. Before the training, before the missions. I didn't even know what she'd asked me and Eren to her lab for. But I had a feeling I'd know by tomorrow. She had been a little fidgety the last couple days. Continuously pestering Erwin at every meal, and whenever they were in the same corridor, or room. At one point I could have sworn I saw a look of pleading from Erwin, but I just held my hands up and walked away. One lunatic at a time Erwin, my involvement would likely only worsen it. Whatever it was, I just hoped he gave it to her before she had a haemorrhage through sheer desperation.

"But what do you think she wants?" asks Levi as he pours me some more wine, I sigh and swirl it in the glass.

"I haven't a clue, but I'm just glad I'll be there to keep a leash on her."

"How so?"

"She gets so carried away with Eren sometimes."

"You baby him too much."

"I never got to help my little brother grow up, so I guess I've adopted Eren into that position. I dunno… I just feel like I need to help him out." I sip my wine and smile, "Plus he's too damned adorable."

"Adorable…" he repeats with a grimace, I squint my eyes and lean forward from the edge of the bed. He's sat at his desk, and looking a little overly thoughtful since Eren came up in the conversation. Levi sips his wine and clicks his tongue, glancing at me for a second before sipping his wine again and wrinkling his nose. "He's such a brat."

"Mm… but he _is_ lovely."

I can't help but laugh as a flash goes over the silver eyes. He turns at my laughter and frowns, taking another drink of his wine. This was too good. It had been almost two months since I'd really felt like laughing, but right now I could feel it bubbling within me. It felt weird, but nostalgic. I grin and give a small giggle.

"You're fucking jealous!" as soon as I say it, his eyes tighten and he clicks his tongue again.

"Shut up, brat." Do I see the faintest, slightest, hint of a blush?

"Pfft, silly old man." I snigger as I drain my glass, and plonk it onto the desk. I grin as I stand in front of him and climb onto his lap, he shifts a little uncomfortably but it's mainly because he doesn't have much room in his lap right now. Or his trousers. It's been a long time since we've been this close, when all alone. He's found it difficult I'm sure. I know I have, but I've been held back by all the recently acquired baggage. I keep our eyes locked and lower myself till my lips are brushing his gently, I can hear the ragged nature to his breathing. I know his impatience.

"You silly, silly man. I'm only stoking your fire, got it? No need to be jealous…"

"Mm."

"What is it Levi?" I purr, resting my hands on his chest. "What do you want?"

I had to take note that this phrase was clearly a trigger. There's a smash as he lets his wine drop to the floor, and suddenly has me underneath him on the bed. I pant a little and put a hand to his cheek when he pauses, eyes scanning me for protest. He looks so calm and collected, yet I can feel his throbbing pulse through his skin.

"Thank you for being so patient."

"Don't get used to it."

"Of course not, sir."

"What's different now though?" even as he's asking he's lowered himself to grind against me, lips gently pressing to mine as he winds his arms round my waist. I kiss the crook of his neck and sigh as he runs his hands all over my body.

"I decided to start living again."

And with that a fresh fire blazes.

He's gentle to an extent, peeling away my clothing like he's unwrapping a gift. With every bit of cloth he removes, he kisses the exposed skin softly, like saying hello to an old friend after a long time. I run my hands through his raven hair and lose myself in the feeling. My head fizzes a little as I let myself enjoy this, but I refuse to let the dark thoughts in. He's soon tugged his own clothing off and chucked the blanket over us, creating a cocoon of bliss for us to linger in. He kisses me deeply, tasting so wonderfully familiar as he presses his body to mine. It's so warm, it's so real and alive under here. I gasp as he gently runs a hand along my thigh and caresses me, chuckling a little as he feels how ready I am for him. But I just chuckle back, fully aware that I was at his mercy. I hated to admit the fact, but right now I needed him in charge, I needed him to lead me. I run my hands through his hair again and bite my lip as he kisses under my jaw, lingering to lick at my skin.

"Please Levi…" I whisper, tangling my fingers in his hair and bringing him back up to kiss again. His breath fills my lungs and I moan as my heart swells, beating faster and brighter than before.

"What is it, Robyn?" he murmurs, chastely kissing my lips. "What do you want?"

"Help me feel human again?" I breathe and he pauses, taken off guard as I confess the truth to him. He looks down at me with serious eyes, everything frozen for a few moments as he hears a slight hitch to my voice. My eyes are prickling and I think he sees them shine before he gives the faintest smile and nods, kissing me tenderly before doing exactly as I asked.

We moan together, a strange melody of pleasure as he glides into me. I wrap my arms round his neck and bite down on his shoulder a little. The warmth, the pressure, and the way I can feel his heartbeat through every bit of skin that touches. It was something I'd been afraid of feeling again, so much connection to another beating heart, one that could so easily be stilled. But as he moves, kissing along my throat and collar bone, murmuring my name under his breath, I let myself savour the sensation. Whatever this was between us, it felt different somehow. I frown as I try and understand it, but my mind becomes dazed as the electricity buzzes in my nerves. It didn't matter what this was, I shift and kiss him deeply, breathing his name raggedly as he picks up his pace. My legs enfold his torso and pull him closer, they force him deeper.

"Nngh… Robyn…"

" _Levi_ …"

It didn't matter what this was.

It was now, and it was good.

My voice breaks and I call out his name, back arching as the electricity shorts and I feel sparks ignite my nerves. It was glorious. I was alive and I felt everything. For the first time in months I hear my heart beat loud and proud in my ears as we collapse together into the soft mattress. There's silence as we breathe together, but soon he winds an arm round my shoulder and pulls me to his chest. I rest my head there and smile as I continue to hear his strong, beating heart.

It didn't matter what this was.

I was alive.

This was living.

* * *

Hanji takes me and Eren inside with a pout. Patience was not her strong suit. The hut is dark and at first it's impossible to see anything through the gloom. Eren and I stumble across to her desk and sit down, very aware of the bubbling flask of liquid currently over a burner. It's a pale yellow, and had it not been for the sweet smell of the room, I'd have assumed Hanji was experimenting with bodily fluids again.

She explains about a new serum she's made, and I can't help but look to Eren. He hadn't mentioned Hanji taking any more blood, but then she explains it's herbal instead. It's designed to make Eren's Titan ability stronger when he needs it. I'm nodding in approval, as strong as Eren was, there was no harm in giving him more defence.

But Eren's just sitting there very quietly, looking at his hands until the explanation is over. Then he looks at me in panic, demanding why I'm here, and refusing to be put against me. In truth I understand Hanji's offended expression. It was a little bit of a harsh assumption of Eren's part, but my inclusion does seem odd. She then explains that she wants to try it on me and see how it effects my fighting abilities. Apparently it was my outburst with Vincent that inspired her to try and make the serum. I flinch and blush a little.

"You're welcome I guess?"

"It's an amazing thing Robyn, your rage was pure and undiluted, to the point of making you black out! You were able to rip him apart with your bare hands, it's a lot of strength! Sorry… Levi told me… but anyway, I know that means a _lot_ of adrenaline. The serum doesn't affect your rage, only your strength. So you'll be your normal self just a heck of a lot stronger."

"M'kay…" I remember how easy it was to rip out the jugular vein and wonder why she thinks I need more strength. Then again, it's probably more that I'm tough enough to be a test subject, and then allow other recruits to use the serum for battle.

"You okay for trying this? I just thought you were a good candidate considering your fighting ability, and how well you reacted to the healing serum."

"Yeah I'm good, and I'd rather it go wrong on me, than anyone else."

"It won't go wrong!" she pouts, but then gives a small smile and shrugs as she blushes. "And I thought it might help you get back to your fully badass self? A wee pick-me-up after a few months of… well… not so pick-me-up?"

"Sure Hanji, thanks." I return the smile and she beams, dancing in her seat a little. I roll my eyes and give a sigh, she was getting carried away again. "However Hanji, I think I should be chained up or something, just to keep me in place and avoid any unnecessary damage."

"That seems a little over the top doesn't it?" Eren throws me a frown, clearly not liking the idea of me in chains. I had begun to wonder why I felt so responsible for Eren, assuming he had become a kind of little brother to me. But I now wonder how often he considers me a sister? Or at least something that needs protecting. "Hanji said it won't affect your mood."

"And how many tests has Hanji run on humans?" I look to the woman and she shakes her head, I nod and smile at Eren's sweet, but misplaced concern. "I'm the guinea pig, and I'd rather not risk anything bad happening. To anyone. A chain latched onto my ankle is hardly going to be painful or anything Eren. With a decently long leash I'll be able to try out the serum on the training dummies, whilst remaining in the training area. Simple."

"Sounds good to me." Hanji says with a small clap of excitement. Eren purses his lips but when I continue to smile his way, his worry melts and he gives a weak nod. He's not happy, but he knows I won't be dissuaded.

"So then Hanji, what's the plan from here?"

"Well, Eren will be down the well as usual to contain him, so we'll see what happens there I guess! And we can grab a shackle from his cell in the basement for you, Robyn. Oh it's all coming together!"

"Yay, experimenting on friends and binding them in place!" I cheer, Hanji throws her head back laughing in a slightly manic manner. This only makes Eren more tense.

"Exactly! Such fun we shall have, on this journey of discovery! And together! Right… enough frivolity. Let's get you set up shall we?"

I sit against the wall I'm now attached to and look up at the sky. The sun is blazing down without mercy, and I can taste the compound's dust coating my tongue. I felt like a bug under a kid's magnifying glass, then again, I kind of was. Only it was a pair of glasses, and less of a kid, and more of a mad scientist who had me chained to the spot. A fun day.

I laugh softly and lean my head back against the wall. How had it come to this? I was just another rookie, making her way into the squads. And now I was a well-known rage monster being experimented on by Hanji herself. How the simple do rise. Some developments were more welcome than others.

I smile and imagine the heat of the sun is his body pressed against mine, it felt good. I open my eyes and look to the ground, hoping no one had seen my blush. Come on Sanshi, don't start that now. Last night had been amazing, but it was no reason to get all sappy. The Captain didn't want some doe eyed little girl worshipping at his feet. If he did, there was at least twenty other rookie's he could have chosen. But no, he had chosen me. And why the hell had he done that?

I put my head against the wall and sigh. I had no idea. Not a damned clue really. I remember his harsh words the first time he'd ever spoken to me directly, I'd had my straps done wrong and he wasn't pleased. The way he yelled still rang in my memory. Merciless, harsh and terrifying. I'd wanted to be anywhere but in the onslaught of his rage. Now? Well that remained the same really, our mutual understanding and late night meetings, didn't mean I was immune to his rage. He was patient with me, but still didn't put up with my shit. Such an odd man. I laugh at my own impatience to understand him. There wasn't any rush to know him completely, and I wasn't sure I ever would. Plus, it wasn't like he had me pegged, he'd even admitted that. He didn't understand me a shred more than I understood him.

At least we were equal in our confusion.

* * *

 **So there we are, SLIGHTLY, less intense than the previous chapters, but I think everyone needed a breather right?**

 **Hope you enjoyed!**

 **Note: I would like to make a shoutout to** lordlosslove **and their amazing Fanfic** Real Strength **It was the first Fanfic I read on here, and the first I had read ever. It was their story that convinced me I should try this kind of fiction. I have a slow burn type of writing... if you hadn't noticed... and so wasn't sure it was suited to this type of fiction. However, their brilliant style made me think otherwise. I also mention them, as within their story a serum is used to heighten powers, in one way or another, and it wasn't until a friend asked me where I'd gotten the inspiration for the serum used/mentioned in this chapter and the next few to follow, that I realised they had inspired me further. So if you're liking the style of this story, I'd highly recommend checking out their work!**

 **Secondly to** CallMeDecaffeinated **and her continued support of my work. It's so great to get regular feedback, and she's a real star for it. Furthermore, she also has a great story in the process,** Beyond Bloodshed, Beyond Walls **with her very own badass OC. Check it out if you like a good story, and awesome characters!**

 **I'll shut up now. Thanks!**


	12. Too Soon

**Hope you enjoy, as always leave a review etc. if you feel so inclined! It all helps, and it all makes my day!**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **Disclaimer: I still don't own Attack on Titan.**

* * *

At least we were equal in our confusion.

I look down at my chain. I hope it holds. Then again this was the same kind of chain they used to restrain Eren when they'd first feared him. If it was strong enough to potentially deal with a Titan-shifter it would easily contain me. I shift it and am comforted by the weight.

Eren is still stood at the lip of the well, talking with Hanji as she explains what the serum will do and how it will feel. As she told me, it'll make our muscles probably tense and stay that way. It'll basically just feel like we're on high alert, but when we go to make a move, we'll have a lot more power. But when I asked for what kind of percentage we were talking about she couldn't answer. So really it could be 10% or even 250% more strength. I look to the chain and focus on its weight. The serum wouldn't affect my mood. Hanji had assured me of that. She knew what she was doing.

Eren takes the syringe from Hanji, I guess that he's insisting he administer it himself once safely contained. Always so careful. Always so afraid of hurting others. That boy had as much compassion as he had determination, and that made him more unique than anything. As he descends, giving me one last wave and smile, I hope he does okay. The Titan form still frightens part of him, I can't imagine how it wouldn't, but I know he'll crack it one day. If anyone was capable of controlling such a beast, it was Eren, he had a fire in him I had never seen before. I almost hoped I never did again. That kind of fire inside a person tended to leave scars. He was too good for such branding. I look down at my arm, and frown at the criss-crossing of scarring that mars my flesh. I look like an old atlas. Some from battle, some from Titans, some from mankind itself.

I was like over used blotting paper.

Hanji heads over, another syringe ready to go. It glints in the sunshine like her glasses. I hope she knows what she's doing. But she usually does. I calm my quickened heart, and think about how this could benefit the regiment. It's meant to give me strength and make my skin tougher, if this works, countless lives could be saved.

This could really make a difference.

I could really make a difference.

I could make my survival worthwhile.

I recite the names as she gets closer and closer. I keep repeating them as she reaches for my arm, tugs up my sleeve, binds a belt round the top and slaps at my elbow crease. Well she's not new to this for sure.

"Hanji? Where are you going to be whilst this is all going on?"

"I'll be at a safe distance, don't worry, you're not gonna hurt anyone but the dummies okay? I promise." She suddenly gets bored waiting for my veins to respond and jabs me, pushing the serum in. It stings a little as I scrunch my nose. "Now let's see what you can do, kiddo."

"What the hell is going on?"

Aw shit.

Me and Hanji turn to Levi as he marches over, his eyes glued on the syringe. As Hanji tugs off the belt and puts my sleeve down, she smiles nervously, patting my arm tenderly. I try and give him a pleading look, but he's just staring at the needle. This looked like it would be ugly. His mouth lifts at the side slightly.

"Hanji that better be a vitamin shot."

"It's just—"

"An experiment?" He slaps it out her hand, glancing to the well before back to her with narrowed eyes. If looks could kill Hanji would have been dead for a week. I shrink back a little, hoping he doesn't aim that same fury at me. He was a scary bastard at times.

"I _told_ you no more experiments. What did you give her? What did you give him?! You…"

He continues to barrage her with his rant, but I shiver as suddenly I can't hear them. My ears zone in on the irritated grunts of Eren down the well, presumably the serum isn't doing anything to him. I hear a bird tapping the window across the courtyard, chirping happily. Yet right in front of me is a blur, a mess of echoing sounds and sluggish movements. Levi's dark hair swirls into Hanji's face, giving her a strange beard. I laugh and lean against the wall, gasping as it feels like all my flesh was just torn off. It wasn't, but damn that hurt. I turn to gently press my finger to the stone, it looks like razors and feels the same, but my finger remains unharmed when I look at it. So everything's heightened. That's ok. It's fucking uncomfortable, but ok. Then again this would hardly be good in the battlefield, everything would be more painful. I'd have to tell Hanji.

A weight touches my shoulder.

I turn to stare into Levi's molten pits of silver, whilst his pale lips move quickly, perhaps he's shouting? I'm not sure but I just squint and smile, studying the fractal colour changes as the silver is hit by sun and shadow with each blink. Why was this suddenly so clear? I guess my focus has a lot to do with it. There's anger there, but mixed with concern, and a lot of it. How weirdly paranoid he seemed all of a sudden. How had I never seen this before? So much was in those eyes and yet they seemed so unreadable to me before. I was clearly blind. They're a tempest of withheld emotion. I want to run through the rain with him, exploring it together, facing it together as the storm rages on. I wonder where this is coming from. The serum was sending my mind into overdrive clearly. A strange, sappy overdrive. Ugh.

My muscles twitch, the serum making its way through me. I feel myself tense up, each muscle stronger and faster, just like Hanji said. But how much stronger? Which was it? 10% or 250%? Somewhere in between?

I back up from Levi and hold up a hand, I don't want to try and gently shove him away and end up breaking him in two. Weirdly enough it was me who was the stronger one now. That sounded very wrong. The tingling continues till I feel like I could lift the whole headquarters above my head. I look at my hands, they're like marble in the sunshine.

Now I was the weapon.

Now I was coiled to kill.

I look at my ankle and shift the leash. It rings loudly and I grimace, I could handle a damn serum, why chain me up? Seemed a bit over-the-top. I shift it and begin to walk, breathing deeply as I look for a dummy to try out this heightened body on. One stands, looking at me blankly. I grin and do a spin kick. There's a weird popping noise and suddenly the wood splinters, the entire dummy shattered. I stumble back, looking down to find my boot burst open, but my foot unharmed. They needed a serum for the damn uniform. I'd need new boots now. Dammit, the Captain would be pissed about that. What a stupid brat I was.

Again I laugh but stop when the shadow of Levi gets closer, I look up with wide eyes, what's he doing? He's reaching out, both hands palm forward and a worried frown smudged over his face. I don't think he quite understands the danger I pose.

I back up, shaking my head, and looking at my hands. I stumble a little when I reach the end of my leash and I tense. Stupid thing, I needed to get away before Levi got too close and made me hurt him. I grunt and tug at the chain, it falls apart like over-cooked pasta. I begin to back up quicker as an echoing yell comes from Levi, and he tries to run to me. I shake my head and try to warn him.

"Stop. I-I c-can't control this Captain." I flex my mouth, feeling like I'm slurring. Damn this serum was strong. "Just leave me. D-Don't want to hurt you, okay?"

I am careful to use his title and not his name, I can't see her but that doesn't mean Hanji wasn't nearby. He'd be pissed if I used his name in front of her, it was only mine when that door closed. Out here I was just a brat. He was the Captain. But weirdly, still my Captain, and therefore something I needed to protect.

I turn and run, I had to get away. He was the last person I wanted to hurt. My mind fizzes and blurs, I groan and stumble to the floor hard. A thirst engulfs me, smothering me. My mind swirls and warps till it lands on the image of Jack. He is looming over me, hand on my throat and knee rammed between my legs. A deep growl rumbles in my chest. Piece of shit. How dare he do that to me? I was his comrade, and he looked at me like I was a toy he'd just bought. Fucking bastard. How did he get to live, whilst my team had died? Why was it, the scumbags always lived?

Guess that makes me a scumbag too...

I jump to my feet and check behind me, the compound is nowhere to be seen. How far had I run? I turn and try to remember where they had moved the wretch to. I sigh and begin to jog back round towards the compound, keen ears honed into the memory of Jack's raspy voice. I'd find him, this body would help me do that at least.

I could still make a difference.

"I made a stupid mistake!" I hear the shout like the ring of a bell.

My hands twitch as I dart in that direction, following the pathetic whining. What if it _had_ been another girl? What if he had hit her over the head first and just had his way. What would he have actually done to me if I hadn't managed to fight him off? I feel myself wretch but push myself faster.

"Nothing even happened, she's just exaggerating! C'mon I've been here for months!"

The smell of damp hits me and I remember. I look around and notice a small building at the edge of the old training forest. They had begun chopping that down for supplies. So it was remote and lonely. Perfect.

"Stupid slut." This barely comes through, it's little more than a whisper. I run for the building and just hope he's been left unattended, no need to harm anyone else after all. I just wanted him to feel fear, I wanted him to know the sense of powerlessness. I wanted him to scream. I wanted some justice in this bastard world. For me. For everyone.

"They can't keep me here for-fucking-ever, I'll get out. Then I'll get that bitch. And Levi, fucking tool bastard."

"And what exactly do you expect to do to my Captain?"

Jack sits up in his cell but clearly sees the challenge in my expression as he shrinks back against the back wall. His mouth stretches and I assume he's just called out for help.

Not a chance.

I pull at the cell door and throw it back against the wall as it crumbles into my hand. Hot rage fuels me, and his face warps into Vincent's, then to Jack's, then to Vincent's. Back and forth the face shifts. I shake my head to clear it but on it goes.

Damn ghosts won't leave me be.

I reach out and hold him to the wall like he did me, I move delicately as I don't want this to be over too quickly. I want this to be a slow burn, not an inferno.

"Exaggerating was I?" I ram my leg between his legs, again his face stretches into an echoing cry and tears dribble down his pasty face. "You won't be hurting anyone else will you? Vince-Jack."

Suddenly there's a sharp pain in my head. Shitting hell. I crumble to the floor, howling and holding my skull as knives of pain dig through my mind. They're cold as they dig deeper, slicing and dicing up my insides as their merciless path deepens. Images flicker all around, all the dead watching me, judging me, hating my still beating heart. I slam my hand against the cell floor and howl again. It won't stop.

I look over and see Jack scramble away. I wait for the pain to subside, well aware I can catch up to him soon enough. He wouldn't escape me. No. I had to make a difference.

As soon as the pain pauses, I sprint after my prey. But as I break out into the open air the sun blinds me, bringing back the pain tenfold. I fall to the ground holding my head and screaming as the pain tightens. Fuck this serum, strengthening? This wasn't strengthening, this was damned torture. I gasp as I think of Eren, oh god no. Please tell me this isn't happening to him. Please. But then I remember his frustration down in the well, I heard him, nothing was happening. He was okay. He was-

"P-Please make it s-s-stop!" I wail as tears fall from my eyes, and I hear a strangled laugh and look to see Jack limping away towards an approaching group of people.

Why was it, this man was always sneering when I was in pain?

I hiss and lunge after him, catch him by his hair and look to the oncoming group. Levi, Hanji, Mikasa and the Commander are running towards me. Each face fearful and each mouthing something. All except Levi, he's as composed as ever. Though perhaps there's a hint of anger? They're all yelling. But I only hear weird echoes. I flinch as more pain cuts into me, but now it's at my heart and I gasp, clutching at my flesh as my breath is stolen.

God dammit this was stupid.

"S-stop it… gah… please!"

"Crazy bitch…"

I drop him and fall to the ground again, this was fucking ridiculous, for a serum that was meant to strengthen me, it was just making me look like a fool. I wretch again, only this time I vomit blood. This can't be good. It burns as it pours out of me, my body convulsing and fresh tears forming. It finally ceases and I gasp for air.

What the hell was happening to me?

Damn this useless body, why wouldn't it just work?

I look up and see Jack is a little further away, closing in on the group. I force myself up and run after him. He can't hurt anyone else. I can't clearly make out who is near him but they recede. He screams and makes a weird gesture to his left. Spazzing out in fear I don't wonder. I make a run for him, he's so close, so breakable, and so dead. I'd already heard him scream, but it had not satisfied my thirst. No, this man had to die. He'd pay for his wretchedness. I couldn't let another scumbag continue to live, whilst good people died. Whilst my team had died. I killed them, but I would at least kill him too.

I grin as I reach out, that little neck will be like a brittle piece of straw. Snapping with a beautiful crunch. I salivate at the idea. But as I reach to do the deed at last, I feel it.

I stop where I stand.

It isn't the knives I'd felt digging through me before, it's a new kind of pain. I look down and frown as a 3DMG blade sticks into my stomach.

Odd.

I glance back and see its gone straight through. Blood has begun to leave the building. It oozes out of my body and I feel the serum weaken. When I look round, I see the faces clear as day, no longer do they swirl or warp. They all stare at me, or the blade, and turn pale. I think everyone has a tear in their eye, even the Commander. Levi is being held back by the group as he lunges for the boy.

Well, that didn't seem a very subtle thing to do Captain. Now they'd all know? Silly man. There were other girls that could help you feel. I'm nothing special. I hate to admit it, and probably wouldn't get the chance now, but it was him that was special. Humanities strongest. My captain. Had this thing between us become—

The blade shifts in me.

I turn to the boy, the weak, pathetic boy with grease covering his pale skin. I feel a laugh escape me.

"You finally managed to stick something inside a girl eh?"

He wrenches the blade out. Y'know I don't think he liked my joke.

I huff and lean on my knees, blood pouring to the grass like a spilled bottle of wine. Glug, glug, glug. There's shouting over by the group, things become clearer as the serum is drained away. I can't make out the words, but it's definitely the group yelling, Jack too I think. I look up, Jack is holding the blade above his head, marching towards the group, shouting something.

He's seriously trying to escape?

He begins manically throwing the blade around, and the group back away. The Commander steps out in front and holds his hands out to Jack, mouth moving as he tries to reason with him. Really Commander? C'mon the boy is clearly beyond that now!

None of them can disarm him when he's moving the blade so manically, not without serious injury. I happen to be already fairly seriously injured...The Commander continues, but it's clear that Jack no longer sees reason.

I feel cold.

I know I have to act now, or else leave them to their fates. No, I'd make a difference. One way or the other.

"Don't you dare." The words sound more like a growl as they leave me. I go to him, Jack sees me but keeps trying to leave past the Commander. "Attack me, threaten me, but don't you dare try and harm them you fucking animal."

And with that I grab the blade mid-air with one hand, and his throat with the other. In the split second I feel so powerful, so right with the world. His eyes are wide and full of fear. The kind of fear I knew well, and the kind he should have to endure of eternity. I crush his neck, and drop him to the ground unceremoniously. It was that damned simple.

Alive, then dead.

The silence is heavy. I look to my hand that holds the blade, and slowly unhook my fingers, relieved to see they remain attached. Must've caught it at a good angle. Would look silly just stood here wiggling little stumps. The blade falls to the ground, and I quickly follow suit, first to my knees and then almost onto my face when I feel something strong hold me up. I breathe him in and smile. A heartbeat thunders in my ear as a hand searches for my pulse, and I giggle.

"Not dead yet. Sorry about the cell though… door… Nngh…" and darkness takes me.

Weird echoes surround me and I feel myself being lifted and jostled.

Couldn't a girl get some sleep?

A cold metal is suddenly beneath me, I think it's a table? Fingers probe at my stomach and needles prick at my arms, pain splintering here and there but its muffled by my lacking consciousness.

This feels weirdly familiar.

My muscles begin to relax as the serum is either neutralised or worn through. I can feel my breathing is ragged now, torn as my blood caked lips desperately try to drink in the oxygen.

I'm waking up.

Oh shit, I don't want to do that. Not right now, the pain is intensifying, no, not now.

"Stay still Robyn." A warm voice says into my ear, as a hand softly strokes my hair. I want to reach up and hold it, I want to kiss it tenderly before pulling on his collar to kiss his lips. I want to feel him breathing against me as I sink into a sweet sleep. I want to wake to him beside me, bathed in sunlight.

But when I move to take his hand I find them strapped into place. Panic grips me and I fight it, gasping. What was happening? No, not this again. Please let me go, I'll be good, I'll be good! The hand strokes my hair a little faster.

"Shh, it's fine, cadet. You're fine. They… they can't sedate you though, you're too weak. Just focus on my voice, cadet. Focus and you'll be fine. You'll get through this."

Captain Levi sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than me, but I trust him and attempt a smile. The hand pauses a little, and I hear him hold his breath. This can't be good. I feel a blade enter me, with needles and other forms of torture. Hadn't I had enough knives in me today? Wasn't there enough pain echoing round my body? I try to get away, fighting my restraints as I scream in agony, begging them to stop, pleading for mercy. I promise to be good, I'll be better, I'll do anything to make them stop. I'm sorry I failed, just stop punishing me!

"Give her something! Why isn't the fucking healing serum working?" He demands angrily. My eyes snap open as white hot pain crushes me whilst I smash against the restraints. I look into his eyes wanting to escape into the grey calm there, but he's gritting his teeth. He isn't calm. He's in pain. Shit. No that wasn't mean to happen. Not so soon. This was the wrong feeling, this wasn't what I was meant to help him feel.

"C-c-capt… nn…!"

I give in.

I hate myself for it, but I give into the sensation that's been tugging at the back of my mind. A strange pressure washes over me, I smile weakly and let my eyes roll back. The room darkens and the pain continues to slowly melt away. I'm turning numb. It's beautiful. I'm sorry Levi, I'm too selfish. I can't resist it.

"Cadet?" his hand tangles in my hair, his other slapping my cheek. A warmth hovers over my face, I think he's listening for my breathing. I don't know if he finds it or not, or if it's even there to be found. So tired.

"Brat open your eyes. Dammit, wake up. Now."

"Sorry." I whisper but have no idea if he hears it.

* * *

 **Levi POV**

God damn it shitty glasses why do you have to interfere with everything? The word's fucked up enough without you prodding and poking at it.

There's a chain on Robyn's ankle, what had the woman done now? Ripping more throats you maniac? But no, there's a spot of blood there as Hanji tugs the shirt down over Robyn's arm. I fight the urge to immediately take Hanji by her skinny neck.

What was it this time? And why had she dragged the cadet into it? Robyn was barely back together after losing her team. The last thing she, or my patience, needed was hanjie's meddling. I demand answers and as usual the glasses just stare back with feigned innocence. Fucking hell. My patience couldn't handle much more of this bullshit.

"I _told_ you no more experiments. What did you give her? What did you give him?! You better have not taken more blood from that brat down the well. Stupid kid's not actually just a walking research book for you. And why is she here?" I point to Robyn and she giggles loudly. The noise is strangled though, but not like on the roof. This time it's like she can't breathe properly. I turn and watch as she leans against the wall only to cringe away.

What the hell had Hanji done to her?

The Cadet is shivering, practically blurred as she turns and starts touching the wall.

"It's just to heighten her strength…"

"You better be about to elaborate glasses." I hiss as I reach out and touch Robyn's shoulder. The trembling is so strong, as though she'd just come in from a winter downpour. I growl and keep my eyes on Robyn who slowly turns to me. "Hanji what is this?"

"She might be experiencing heightened sense? Would explain the apparent sensitivity."

I hear Hanji but find myself distracted by Robyn's glazed over stare. It's like she's looking right through me. Her golden eyes, usually so bright, are almost completely black as the pupils fill out exponentially. She looks like an animal, her mouth ajar as she breathes deeply, teeth occasionally flashing into view. Beautiful and terrifying at the same time, as she gives me a broad smile.

She then raises a hand and shakes her head, her blazing red hair falling across her tanned face. I wait. She's staring down at her shaking hands, confusion in her eyes, she thinks she'll hurt me. Once again her concern is misplaced. Her chain clinks, and I see the disgust on her face. That can't be good. But she just walks away, staggering a bit as she looks around wildly.

What was she seeing?

I shoot a look to Hanji who is staring, whilst scribbling into her damned notebook. I feel like shoving that pen through her glasses, but am distracted as the breathing of Robyn gets quicker. I turn and see her spin round, a perfect example of strength and prowess as her lean leg swings round to smack into the training dummy's head. I know that head will come straight off, the crack is deafening, but as Robyn stumbles back I feel myself freeze. The dummy is left as a scattered pile of splinters. Robyn's boot is decimated but her foot seems unharmed. She just popped it like a fucking bubble.

Holy shit.

She begins to laugh, again it's strangled but her whole body judders with it. I carefully step towards her, arms outstretched and palms forward, hoping she doesn't panic and run. Let me help you Robyn, please, for fuck sake just let me help before you hurt yourself. I can't let that happen again on my watch. I just can't.

"Cadet listen to me, you're reacting to the serum. Everything is fine. Just calm down and stand where you are."

But my words fail to reach her, can she even fucking hear me? Her big eyes shine as she backs away, shaking her head frantically as she looks at her hands in horror. But as the chain becomes taught she grumbles, and flicks her ankle. The chain disintegrates. It's as if it was never there. A hollow feeling appears in my chest. No, please don't.

"Shit. No, Robyn don't run, stay there—!"

"Stop. I-I c-can't control this Captain." I freeze where I stand, feeling useless as I watch her slip away. "Just leave me. D-Don't want to hurt you, okay?"

No that's not okay woman.

Of course that's not fucking okay.

And then she's gone. I swear I'd barely blinked but she's already a dot on the horizon. My stomach churns as rage rises in me. That was twice now the brat had run out of my reach before I could do anything. This wasn't something I wanted to make a habit of.

I turn on Hanji who finally stops scribbling and looks up with a slight blush.

"Well the strength part worked?"

I feel my patience wear out as the apology rings in the madwoman's voice as I march over, I take a grip on myself and smooth down my hair. This was fine, we'd get Cadet Sanshi back and everything would be fine. It was clear she couldn't do herself any damage. I just hoped she didn't bump into anyone. The woman would destroy them.

I stare at Shitty Glasses as she tries to justify her actions. It's pointless, surely she knows this by now? My mind suddenly turns back to last night. Finally, after two months of torturous dreams, I'd had her all to myself again. I'd been able to hold her, hear her mutter my name as I made her forget her troubles. The image of her throwing her head back, hands gripping the sheets as she fought back the screams, it flashes before me and I shudder. Damn the brat was beautiful.

I try and listen to Hanji, my thoughts irritating me as they veer towards that first night, when I finally got the backbone to go and apologise in her room. I'd felt like such a tool. The damn woman barely gave me the time of day. Wasn't putting up with my shit.

I had to get her back.

Focus.

"What's happening with Jeager? He seems to at least have stayed human, and in his pit." I say, dragging myself back into the present. Reminiscing wasn't going to help Robyn through this.

"Let's go check, then we'll go get Robyn?"

"Cadet Sanshi has probably run well into the plains by now. But yes. You'd better hope she's okay, Glasses, or I end you."

"Kinda obsessing aren't you shorty?"

"I just got cadet Sanshi back to being fit for duty. Fuck that up? I fuck you up."

"M'kay shorty."

We march over to the well and peer over. Jeager sits in a sulk on the floor, hand bleeding after his strenuous efforts to transform. Stupid kid. So eager to prove himself, despite the fact he'd already done so. Idiot.

"Jeager? Feeling indestructible?"

"No sir. Normal."

As normal as that kid was.

I sigh, slightly relieved that the half-titan wasn't rampaging through the compound. I'd cut him free of his Titan form before of course, but I was sure it wasn't something to repeat if I could help it. Of course that wasn't even an option with Robyn. She had no other form, it was just her. Shit. This was such a mess.

I run my hand through my hair and seek out some patience. Glasses is still scribbling, Jeager is still sulking, and Robyn was fuck knows where. Doing fuck knows what.

Right now, I do feel old.

"Right Jeager, stay there. Cadet Sanshi has gone AWOL. We're going to find her. Remain here and wait for us to return. Understood?"

The green eyes of the boy flash as he makes to argue but I think reason hits him and he slumps, nodding begrudgingly. Yeah that's right brat, she's my responsibility.

"Yes, sir."

"Hanji? Move."

We go get Erwin, who gets distinctly paler as Hanji explains what's happened. Yes it is pretty fucking terrifying isn't it? Robyn can decimate a man with her bare hands without scientific enhancement. Fuck knows what she's capable of now.

I freeze as we head for the stables to search the plains for her. It won't be the plains she's gone to. If her head goes in the right direction she'll go for the one person she might actually want to hurt at the moment. Shit.

The two of them turn to me, and I signal them to follow me as I sprint for Jack's cell. I never even told her where we were moving him, but I have the feeling that means fuck all right now. On their way to the forest, we pass by Mikasa and Hanji runs over to her. Good plan Shitty Glasses, the girl was damned weird, but at least she was good in a fight. Though if she hurt Robyn - The heat in my chest returns and I fight against it. This is not the time for sentimentality. That would probably only worsen Robyn's situation, not help it.

Finally the hut comes into view. It looks fine enough, but that didn't mean she wasn't already there.

Shit what is that?

Something is lumbering out of it. A strange noise echoing out as the figure staggers over. It's Jack. He broke out? I shake my head, no, Robyn broke in. But his limbs seem mainly intact, so clearly she'd held herself back well enough. I almost feel disappointed.

A second later a red flash appears, and I feel the heat return to my chest. Damn it man, get a fucking grip. And then she falls, she looks like someone's just shot her. But there was no noise. She's holding her head like it's about to explode. Her screams rip through me, I look around and see that they're ripping through us all. It sounds like she's being flayed alive. What did that animal do to her? And how the hell did he manage it?

I hear a laugh and watch as Jack limps towards us, his face pasty and bruised.

"Get the fuck over here now you piece of shit!" I roar as he scrambles along, no one objects to my tone as his strange smile is plastered over his face. In fact they join in as we begin to run over to him, half wanting him out of harm's way, and half hoping Robyn beats us to it.

She does too.

Suddenly she's holding him by the hair, face like stone as she looks at his contorted expression. There's nothing there; no hatred, no rage, nothing. It's like shes—I refuse to let the word enter my mind. She was right there, she was fine, she wasn't checking out.

The group calls out to her, trying to reason with her, trying to tell Jack to stop struggling. This is a fucking powder-keg. Suddenly it hits her again, she claws at her chest desperately. Her eyes wide as panic grips her. This is torture.

"S-stop it… gah… please!"

We all flinch back from the agony ringing in her voice. I can't be bothered maintaining my pretence, this was beyond that. She looks around in a blind panic before dropping her prey and letting him finally reach us. Her body convulses and blood gushes from her mouth.

I feel cold.

She's dying.

I can't help it, death clouds my mind and I watch her weaken. I reach out and take firm hold of Glasses' wrist. Partly to demand an answer, and partly because I need an anchor right now. I feel like I'm about to snap.

"Hanji what the fuck is happening?"

"I-I don't know…" She sobs, covering her mouth as shame washes over her. I knew this wasn't what Glasses had intended, I hoped I remembered that if this ended as I feared it might. "What have I done to her?"

"Why're you just standing there?" the piece of shit's voice only makes my hold on reason slip further. This was his doing. The Commander puts a hand on my arm as I turn to the brat. "She's a psycho! She's gonna kill me!"

"Good riddance." I spit.

"Fuck this shit." He shrieks reaching out and grabbing one of Mikasa's blades, pulling it free and brandishing it at us. Mikasa swears but falls back, as the boy begins to whirl the weapon around madly. I just wish I'd given in to my initial instinct after he'd attacked Robyn. If I had gone to that cell and slit his throat, this wouldn't be happening.

I didn't even notice Robyn get up again, but suddenly her red hair grabs my attention, Jack turns, screams and thrusts the blade forward. No, please no, this is just another fucking nightmare. Soon I'll wake up, cold sweat all over me and my ceiling above me. I'll be alone in my room hoping I hadn't yelled out into the darkness. Nothing is real right now.

I can't take my eyes away.

I feel like it's me that's been run through.

Robyn stands, face blank for a moment before creasing in plain confusion as she looks down to the blade running through her slender torso. She looks behind her and makes an odd move, like a chuckle as she sees it sticking out the other end, dripping in her life-force.

Suddenly they're all having to hold me back as I lunge at the scumbag. I want to rip his head off, I want to dangle him over a Titan and watch it slowly snap bits of his body off till finally his head is crushed, and his disgusting mouth gushes with his own blood as death chokes him. But they hold me back. Robyn just stands there, calmly watching herself die. And then she laughs again, I feel myself sag in disbelief as she cracks a joke.

It's hilarious, and horrifying.

She was mad.

The blade is pulled free, and Robyn doubles over, finally feeling the pain? Jack now looks back to us and begins to wave the blade again, demanding he be let past. Rage suffocates me.

"And where do you think you'll go, you shit?! Where do you think I won't find you?"

"Anywhere but here! You're all crazy, now move!"

Erwin steps forward and talks slowly as the boy frantically brandishes the blood stained steel.

"Jack calm down, set the weapon aside. It's clear Robyn is in no condition to attack you again. Let us help you and—"

"By locking me up again for something I didn't even do?"

"I fucking saw you!" I bellow, "You attacked her!"

"And now she's attacked me, we're even, now move!"

There's a feral snarl from Robyn and she's marching towards the assailant, her eyes are ablaze. How is she even moving? I try to go to her, to stop her before she does anything else stupid. But still they hold me back. I growl and try to get my face under control. Get the fucking mask back in place you little prat. She needed her Captain right now, not a rambling idiot.

"Don't you dare." She hisses.

Jack frantically tries to move past Erwin, blade just missing the Commander. But Jack won't escape, and he won't hurt anyone. I know she's got him in her sights now, I just hope she lives to enact her revenge. Get him my mad woman. Destroy him in all your ridiculous glory.

"Attack me, threaten me, but don't you dare try and harm them you fucking animal."

Even now she's trying to protect us. And that's it. She grabs the blade, we all flinch and then there's a small crack. Jack falls limply to the ground at her feet. Dead and gone. It was astoundingly simple. She looks to her hand, still grasping the blade, and slowly peels away her fingers. Somehow they're still attached. As the blade falls, she does too and I'm finally free to run over, and catch her as she crumples. She's freezing as I try and look for a pulse, its faint but it's there.

She'll be okay.

She has to be fucking okay. Fate can't be so damned cruel to take her from me so soon? Not this time surely? I hold her tight as they get a stretcher. I haven't even had time to consider what it is we have, if anything, and so soon it'll end in blood? I grit my teeth and let them take her, no, she would live. She always pulled through.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed that Levi POV, I don't know frequent they'll be from now on, but I do enjoy writing them. Do you guys enjoy reading them?**

 **Shoutout to a Guest who has left some wonderful reviews on here, and my other story Chained Wings,** Trisana **you are awesome. Thank you so much for your comments, both helpful and encouraging. You have my concept for Levi totally nailed in the Chained Wings piece, I am so glad it translated properly! I'll be putting a new part to that up by tomorrow hopefully, if not today. So thanks again, your comments have been a real treat to read!**


	13. Regrets

**Hello again!**

 **As always please let me know your thoughts and whatnot, makes my day!**

 **Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I still don't own Attack on Titan. I don't think I could handle that amount of pressure!**

* * *

 **Robyn POV**

I feel like I'm sinking through cold water. I feel the cliché, as flickers of light and shards of shadow ripple all around me. The cold stings but it is a welcome reprieve. Maybe they gave me something for the pain? No. No they couldn't, could they? Levi said that. I was too weak for sedation.

Shit… does that mean I'm…?

Oh damn, maybe I was.

Well this had to be the most selfish thing I'd done in quite some time.

Levi… shit…

I remember his voice. I see him sitting on my floor, and my chest rises in the water, arching my back as I sob. Shit. I couldn't leave him like this, the man would be beyond furious. He'd never forgive me. And I couldn't leave Hanji to his mercy. He'd tear her apart. Poor crazy woman. It wasn't her fault, how was she to know it would end in chaos?

I reach for the surface as it gently flows. But my movements are lazily, sluggish, so slow I can barely feel myself move. A pale blue light glimmers into existence far below me, and I look down to it. It's beautiful. But I'm not ready for it. After my fateful mission, and loss of my team, I considered it as the only fair thing. But then I pushed past that; I accepted that I needed to keep fighting. So fight I would, dammit.

I scream out for him to pull me out, save me Levi just one more time, so I can save you.

Please…?

Levi…?

Silence laps at my ears as deadly anger boils within me. I'd be doing this on my own.

Frantically I kick and claw. The icy temperature begins to ache into me, pain echoing in my mind. Days, weeks, and months seem to pass by as I slowly rise. Finally my fingers break the surface but as soon as they feel the harsh free air, the surface groans and freezes over.

I'm left hammering against it, throat burning for air. My hand hits the same spot repeatedly, and blackened blood swirls away from my mangled hand. Yet I ignore the pain, it's nothing compared to this dread.

I wasn't ready.

I still had so much left to do, to see, to learn. The blue light is slowly rising up, chasing me down. I turn back to my cage and desperately hammer away.

What the hell was holding me back?

This made no sense. I needed to get back. I needed to kill the Titans, I needed to slap Levi and remind him he wasn't alone. I feel the water suddenly pour into my mouth, its bitter as it floods in. I shriek against the injustice.

Suddenly a golden light appears on the other side of the ice and lowers down, heat radiating out from it as it leans into the ice which thins and melts. The blue light is almost within reach. Finally I claw my way out, and fling myself onto the surface of the ice, gasping at the stale air.

"Mm?" I hear a sleepy mumble echo around me as stagger to my feet, the ice groaning beneath me. Well that's just insulting, I'm not that fucking heavy. A blizzard blows all round, sending my hair into disarray and filling my lungs with the deathly chill.

Why does the air taste like old books?

I stagger along, my wounds gone as I search out the voice, coughing and spluttering as I do.

"Robyn?"

"Levi?" I shout but fail to hear my voice.

I'm mute?

That does not suit me at all. Nope, not one bit. I hold a hand over my burning throat, trying to smother the flames of silence.

"L-Levi help, please… shit… where are you, you prat?"

A small golden light flickers in and out of existence. I try to follow it, but it keeps moving around. I consider that it's him leading me back, furthering the cliché, but if it got me home, I'd try and see past that. As it flutters around like a spazzed butterfly I pause and try to catch my breath. Keza if you remember all those weird things we saw after eating those mushrooms? That shit is nothing on this inter-mind-boggling mess!

"Come on, come back to m-us. Come on." His voice rumbles in the wind. I laugh and throw my hands up - Really? I'm running along a fucking tundra of ice, in some weird limbo-esq spirit world, and he's keeping up the appearance that we're not… whatever we are? I let the laughter rip out of me. What a beautiful prat he was.

Why does that light keep dancing? Like its fading, oh no don't leave me now! I think of Keza, I think of Eren, I groan and try and make my memory stick but it's all so sluggish all of a sudden. Like its paling. I stop and think back to when I gave in, when I accepted the burning need. His lips on mine, his hands lifting me, his hot breath against my skin. The golden light brightens and seems to fix into place.

"Did she just laugh?" Eren's voice trickles through and the golden light begins to bob about, but not flicker, like its happy to see me all of a sudden. I stumble after it clumsily. Would I ever be elegant? I trip and smack my face off the ice. That's a no then. The golden light flares as it shows me the way.

"Trust her to laugh when fighting for her life." Commander? I stop and look round in disbelief. Why was he here? He can't stand me surely. I'm just the—"A madwoman, but she's strong, don't worry Eren she'll pull through. With any luck."

Fuck you _sir._

Bugger luck, this is all on me, and I have a damned stitch. Since when did I get stitches? As the light comes into reach I feel a warmth, it's glorious, like a long summer afternoon. I carefully stretch out to it. As my hand touches it though I flinch back at the pain, it hits me all over but mainly in my stomach. I look down and see black soak through my clothing. Damn.

"She flinched, look, her hands in a fist!" Jean's voice cheers. I pop my lips, brow raised as I brace against the pain, thanks Jean, so glad you're enjoying my flinching.

This golden light will take me home, but it's going to lead to something very painful. Just then a huge crash sounds behind me, and I turn to be faced with the glaring bright blue light that is slowly flaring and reaching out.

Oh, it looks a bit grumpy.

I turn and grab the golden light, the blue light caresses my back with ice but I cling to the gold and focus on the pain as it lights up my nerves. Oh yay, sweet agony. The air turns from cold to warm, and I feel myself being pulled along, as though on a wire on the hunt. I hope no Titans feel like entering this weird dream thing, I'm too damn tired for that shit.

"Her eyes just flickered, see? She's gonna be fine."

Calm down Hanji, I'll keep Levi away from you.

I hear him growl. He growls a lot, did everyone else notice this as much as I had?

"That doesn't cancel out the fact that—"

"Levi calm down," For once I feel myself whole-heartedly agree with the Commander. "Hanji has made her apologies, and had no way of knowing this would happen. Just concentrate on Cadet Sanshi."

The golden light turns pale, before darkening to a weird red colour.

The hell was this now?

Oh… it's my eyelids.

"Ow."

Laughter ensues as my eyes flicker open, and I feel like I've had a Titan dance all over me. With concrete shoes on. Whilst carrying a building. Ow, didn't quite cover this. But the bed is soft, the sheets are warm, and I'm back.

"Hey, can you hear us Robyn?" Hanji lays a hand on my forehead and I nod slightly, my neck not wanting to move much more than that. I'm back, but where am I back from? I shiver a little as I think of that blue light, was that really death? It looked so peaceful… "You're doing great kiddo, just take your time. We're all here. You're safe."

"Are… you safe?" I croak and there's a silence, I feel the tension rise in the room. I can't help but be a little afraid, my wrists aren't bound and this is not a large room. Wherever this is. "Is the serum… out my system?"

"It's gone." Levi talks out of view near my head. The whole thing is replaying before me, and I cringe away from the memory. So much anger, so much strength, so much destruction. I turned into a monster. "Get her something for the pain, Hanji."

"Yeah she should be fine to have—"

"No." I croak, staring at the ceiling as they all slightly lean to look at me. Although Hanji remains further back, not meeting my eye. I hope she doesn't think I don't trust her medicines anymore; I completely trusted her. But I need to be awake for this, I need to know what was real and what wasn't. "Hanji it's not your medicine, seriously, don't look so downcast."

"The why won't you let us give you anything?" she seems unconvinced, but more concerned about my wellbeing. The woman was a marvel, and I sensed I'd have to have that conversation with her another time. She was an oddball, but I wasn't sure she'd ever really let people see her struggle, I doubted it was in her passionate nature. I smile a little weakly and frown at the same time.

"I need to be awake right now. I need to know. What did I do? Did I… did I really kill him?"

"Yes." I look to Levi as tears well up and I blink them away angrily. He's stoic as he watches me begin to drown in guilt. But it doesn't change. He just stares. I know he doesn't think I should feel guilty, that much is obvious. But I took someone's life? "But only when he was about to attempt escape, and harm us. Mainly the Commander."

"Shit. I couldn't stop… I just… why am I not dead?"

"Please be assured you're safe, we're working on avoiding any charges." The Commander sounded kind and I grimaced, why was it he was being kind now that I was a murderer? Seemed a little weird. Ironic? No, that wasn't how irony worked… was it? I shake my head and flinch at the pain.

"No… he ran me through didn't he? So how is it I'm not dead? Gah!" I lower my hand from my stomach, having reached there as I remembered the silver blade sinking in as though through butter.

"The serum gave you a certain amount of resistance, and then Hanji gave you as much of the healing serum as she saw as safe." The Commander stops and does a salute. I frown, unable to even guess at why he's doing that. "You saved my life in all likeliness, and rid the world of a dangerous man. In my book that makes you a hero. All while furthering the science of war for our cause. Thank you cadet Sanshi."

"… Any time, sir." I smile and he chuckles softly, "Though maybe give me a stronger chain next time?"

He dips his head, and I catch eyes with Eren. I flinch a little as he stares so widely at me, tears still shining against the bright green. I look him over but he seems fine, but that could well be because he healed so fast.

"Eren?"

"Yeah, I'm here Robyn." He smiles, a tear breaking free and running down his slightly red cheek.

"Did you… react?"

"No, I didn't… at all…"

"Seriously?" I groan, but then I sigh and shrug, "At least that means you didn't hurt yourself, or break HQ…"

The Commander smooths back his hair and gives a low rumbling laugh, looking upwards. I raise a brow at him, now what was he laughing at me for?

"Of course it also means, Sanshi, that you have worse anger issues than this boy who can literally transform into a rage Titan." He drawls, stroking his chin with a raised brow. I blush and sink a little into my pillow. He had a point. But as his smirk spreads I frown, and pout a little.

"Okay, there's no need to be rude. Injured person over here…"

"You hate sympathy, Cadet."

"Humour me." I mumble rubbing my eyes, he chuckles lowly before turning to the others and gesturing towards the door.

"Let's let her rest. You sure you're happy to have her in your quarters? We can always—"

"No sir. I'd be happier keeping an eye on my cadet myself."

The Commander nods and leaves, everyone else says their goodbyes, all carefully patting my shoulder or leg. I smile at them all and wait for the door to close.

Click.

I stare at the ceiling, wondering why I hadn't noticed it was Levi's quarters before. I feel him staring at me and I lick my lips, wondering where to start. It's obvious where I should start, he was probably enraged at me for all this. I agreed to do the damn experiment, and look where it had landed us. He'd hate my apology but it had to be said.

"I'm so sor—" He silences me by putting his lips to mine, carefully holding my face as he gently presses them harder. I smile. He puts his forehead against mine and breathes heavily. "Please…"

"What? What do you need?" he reaches for the water on the bedside table but I just take his hand in mine, and sniff as tears form again. "Robyn? What is it?"

"Let me say it." I gasp, he looks unenthusiastic, but just nods and lifts my hand to his mouth. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened… I had to get away from you. Then my mind just zoned in on him and… then it's just a blur of red haze."

He shakes his head, small frown in place.

"You looked so scared. You sounded like you were in so much pain." He breathes, but then anger creeps in and he grits his teeth, looking to the side. "And I couldn't do a damn thing."

"When I spoke? I sounded…?"

"Like someone was rubbing salt into a wound. It was fucking excruciating, brat." He kisses my hand, a shudder running through him. "Then we heard you howling. I thought I was going to snap. You really fucking scared me, woman."

"Not my intention I assure you." I grin and he laughs, shaking his head at me.

"Smart mouth." He mumbles, and I suddenly realise there's something round my wrist. I tug my sleeve back and frown as my red ribbon comes into view. It's wound loosely round, and tied in a careful bow. I smile, but don't understand how it's there. His finger runs over it and he smirks a little, his lips curling as they remain pressed to my hand.

"Thought it'd bring good luck or something… seemed like a good idea at the time."

"A great idea, Levi, thanks." I grin and he just closes his eyes, tightening his hold on my hand. I look at the bright silk and simper, Keza would be laughing her head off at these dramatics. I wonder if I should try and find her. Then again I don't know anything other than she's probably in the Capital. But I could always look up a few old friends, send out enquiries. I lay my head back. Felt weird reaching back into the past, when I'd spent so long running from it.

Breaking the gentle quiet, a sigh comes from Levi. It's heavy and full of something, but I can't quite place it. Or can I? There's suddenly a fresh heat in my gut, spreading to my chest as my next question forms. I don't know why, but I suddenly feel afraid. But as he sits back heavily, pushing his hair back as he rubs his neck, I know I have to ask. I have to know before my over-active head goes any further.

"S-still no regrets?"

He pauses. He looks up at the ceiling for a couple seconds, before leaning forward again to kiss my hand, eyes closed. I freeze as a tear seeps out the side, and runs down his cheek. Shit. This is why he wanted to be alone with me, he can't take it. We only had sex, but still it was a connection and he couldn't handle the risk.

Like he said, it was excruciating for him.

I try to calm my heart, keeping my face calm as I combust internally. Well this was just pathetic. Why was I freaking out so much over this? I was meant to be the nonchalant, happy to be a sex-buddy, gal who gave no fucks. And yet now? I try to focus but my damn breathing gives me away, becoming more ragged and causing a strange burning in the base of my ribs.

His eyes snap open and watch me, his hold on my hand tightening. Don't do that you prat, let go if that's the end game. The burning bursts and my back arches.

"Can't… breathe…"

"Hanji!" He roars running to the door, "HANJI!"

The woman appears in seconds to pin me with another syringe. But my stupid heart is off, running like a wild horse and I try and force air into my lungs. Just work body. Just fucking work. Levi doesn't even think of Hanji as he kneels down, holding my hand and muttering into my ear.

"Just breathe Robyn. Calm down, you need to calm down. You're only going to hurt yourself…" His voice breaks away, and his teeth snap together. He hates this. I'm just ripping his heart out and playing with it. I didn't know I had such a sadistic side to me. I look to Hanji who is standing back, wide eyes going between me and Levi, a deep blush forming on her cheeks. She looks even more downcast than before, looking down as begins to raise a hand to her mouth as she realises this is possibly more than simply concern over a cadet. "Can't you do anything Hanji? Please… She's in agony."

"Levi… I've done all I can…" She lowers the hand from her mouth, and instead puts it gently on his shoulder as my eyes begin to droop. Hanji will look after him won't she? She's insane but she has a big heart. The only issue is his stubbornness. What a mess. He shrugs her off angrily. "Levi, she just needs time and… luck…"

"But she woke up. She was better. No Robyn don't… open your eyes dammit!"

I try, groaning at the weight of exhaustion, as my heart continues to have its melodramatic episode. His grey eyes are wide. I wish I could disappear and stop him having to witness this pathetic display. Hanji looks terrified, she has no idea how to deal with Levi right now. Like he said on that first night, this was new territory. Hanji sits down and takes my other hand, her eyes still fixed on the alien Levi before her.

"She's strong, she may still come out of it. But we need to let her rest. Let her sleep."

"She only just woke up."

"Yeah, and so we can be more sure she will again."

"You're sure, Glasses?"

"I'm sure she needs rest. Sit down. I'll get the cold towel." She walks away for a moment. He's still holding my hand but he's sitting back, I think he's trying to compose himself. He's probably regretting doing that in front of Hanji, he'd get a lot of questions now. Whatever she stuck me with seems to be taking effect, my heart slows and I feel my ribs numb. Air fills me.

I carefully look to him and feign a smile. Slowly he is reassured and his eyes return to normal. I know he won't want to admit his reservations now, not after that ridiculous reaction, but I just raise my fingers in a wave.

"Sorry." I rasp.

"Brat cut it out, these scares are getting tedious." He smirks and quickly pecks my lips before sitting back, all the while watching me. There's an odd silence, but he just scrapes back his hair and sighs tiredly. "Rest, Cadet."

I close my eyes, and then feel the cold towel laid against my forehead, I sigh at the wonderful sensation. Then there's a shift of weight against the bottom of the bed. Hanji has sat down again, her hand on my leg, lightly patting there.

"Now then Lance, I think we need to have a talk?"

"Not now Hanji."

"When else then? C'mon man! Don't leave your best buddy hanging!"

Oh dear, Hanji is dicing with danger but I just let them get on with it. Enjoying the warmth of their watchful gazes as I let my body succumb to a peaceful sleep. A dreamless sleep too.

* * *

I feel like I'm on a loop.

For the next three or so weeks, I'm kept to the bed, occasionally allowed a walk to the shower, with Hanji's help, and once or twice I even made it to the mess hall, though only when it was empty. Exotic. I'd never really understood the term, cabin fever, but now I damn well did.

The main point of consolation is sitting, and talking with Levi into the night. It's so simple, yet so good. My fears of the fact that he regrets our attachment are still there, but as the nights draw on they are diminished a little more. We swap stories about growing up on the streets, but his are infinitely more interesting. He was such a little thug.

We laugh as we go through happy memories. And I feel sorry that I'll never get to know Farlan or Isabel, but thankful he knew them. They seem to be a big part of who is today. He promises to show me the underground city one day, if I really insist, a look of sadness in his eye. But he lights up when I describe the time I'd spent living on the roofs of Shiganshina. But when I explain my time living on top of the wall, his eyes widen a fraction. I think he's a little impressed, I won't admit the thrill that gives me.

I explain how it took forever to climb, even with stolen 3DMG gear hooks. But I wanted to see the real horizon at least once. My friend Keza thought I was mad, but I said it was something we were born to do. All of us humans. It's just that a lot of people had forgotten that there was in fact a world beyond the walls. It was easier to accept a cage if you forgot it was one. He concludes I've been a reckless moron all my life, but I can see the little shred of admiration in his eyes.

We share wine, we share the very occasional, careful kiss, but he always sits a little further away than usual. More than once he'd come back in whilst I redressed, and I couldn't help but notice his frustration. But he never said anything, just walked a little oddly as he went about his business. It made me smile. I was a limping little weakling, but still he seemed to find me attractive. I'd hold onto that. As much as I liked the idea of relieving his tension, the fact I could barely lay a hand on my own stomach without wincing didn't exactly make me think another night in the sheets was a good idea. Plus Levi hadn't even slept in the same bed with me since I woke up. Too worried about rolling over and hurting me. I felt guilty for causing his frustration, but whenever I apologised he just got angry, still blaming himself for letting me get my injuries. It was pointless to argue. The man was as infallible as myself. A couple of stubborn asses.

And because of that, I haven't dared ask him again; does he regret this?

Is he just waiting for me to be better?

After begging Hanji for some respite from my cabin fever; I'm allowed to accompany her to her lab. Levi is not happy, but he very rarely is, so I just ask him to help me walk there and leave us girls to it. It was only after I explained to him, that I wanted a proper opportunity to talk to Hanji, that he allowed it. He was paranoid, but I couldn't really blame him right now. I was becoming a delicate flower it seemed. I click my tongue, that did not suit me at all.

The gloom of Hanji's lab is comforting, and I sit on a chair across from her desk, looking around at her mess of madness. It was staggering. So many notes, journals, scraps of paper, big scripts plastered over the walls. Old formations broken down, and Titan anatomy scrawled everywhere. It was like I was sitting inside Hanji's head. I just had to hope nothing else was living here.

She pours us both a cup of coffee and hands me it, fresh from the burner. I sip it and marvel at the cup.

"It's good right?" she simpers, winking, though still not meeting my gaze properly. She hasn't since I woke up, but I'm hoping to rectify that now. I nod and take a long sip. "I dried out some chocolate and crumble it in on special occasions. Or when I'm hungover."

"I'm honoured." I sigh and lick my lips.

"Really?" she frowns, nails drumming against her cup. "Seems like the least I could do."

"And that's exactly why I'm hear Hanji." I smile and she looks fixedly at her cup, a blush blooming across her face whilst her fringe sweeps across. "Please look at me, in the eye, like you used to? I feel like you're frightened of me."

Her head snaps up and her mouth bobs open and closed a little. A speechless Hanji? This was a weird situation. I sip my coffee, and continue to smile at her, shifting a little as my position makes my stomach ache. I was one dose away from full recovery, so it basically felt like a bad bruise by this point, but still, a little ow remained. When she fails to find the words I cradle my coffee and cross my legs on the seat.

"It wasn't your fault Hanji. Really it wasn't anyone's."

"But it was _my_ serum."

"And it was _my_ rage." I point out with a waggle of my forefinger, she sighs and takes off her glasses to rub her eyes. "Hanji, seriously. It's amazing work that you do, and most of the time you have success upon success, a few failings now and then is hardly cause to—"

"I nearly got you killed!" she snaps grumpily.

"But you didn't."

"Hardly cause for celebration, I nearly did but I didn't, yay off the hook!" she sing-songs sarcastically, shaking her head. "If I had? I… damn… kiddo, I dunno what I'd be doing right now."

"Probably throwing yourself deep into your work and carrying on."

She looks hurt.

"Hanji, listen. Should Erwin drown himself in guilt every time an expedition costs lives? He is, after all, ordering those soldiers out there, and it's his orders that ultimately lead to their bloody deaths. Should he lose himself to guilt?"

"That's different, he's the Commander, and it's an official duty. I'm… I'm just an overly enthusiastic Squad Leader… with a biggish brain." She mutters bitterly and I feel a little cold in all honesty. To hear such a dejected sentiment from Hanji Zoe of all people was frankly a little scary.

"Biggish?"

"Okay, huge brain, but still…"

"But still nothing Hanji, you may not have an _official_ standing, but your work has already saved countless lives. Think of all the good your healing serum has done, heck you've already saved my life a couple times over! I agreed to the experiment Hanji, no one forced me, and in essence it's a great tool that could be used. It just has… a couple kinks to be worked through."

"A couple kinks?" she repeats with a raised brow as she replaces her glasses. I find this side to Hanji odder than her usual side, I didn't really know how to read a collected Hanji.

"Yes, a couple kinks. Eren didn't rage out did he?"

"Could be his Titan blood cancelled it out."

"Again, more info collected!" I cheer throwing my arms up. She sighs and lays her head on the desk.

"You really don't hate me?"

"Never could, Hanji, sorry. So please start looking me in the eye? You're gonna make me self-conscious before long!" I laugh and pick up my cup again. She grumbles a little, but looks up to rest her chin on her folded arms. Her eyes meet mine and I smile broadly, it takes a couple seconds, but soon enough she matches it.

"How about I give you that last dose of healing serum and we give you a fresh check-up in Levi's room?" she reaches down and picks up her bag.

"Really?" I drain my cup and stand carefully, she nods triumphantly.

"Let's get Robyn Sanshi back out there."

"And let's have Hanji Zoe back on her crazy science horse?"

"Giddy y'up!" she cheers and then helps me roll sup my sleeve for the final injection. It still stings when administered, but its an amazing thing she created. I can't even imagine how many cadets would have been lost recently, if it weren't for her serum. How this woman could doubt herself… well no, it was understandable that she doubted herself, I was just glad I was there to help her out. But as I consider going back to that room and being completely healed, I tense. Not yet.

"Hey Hanji, it'll take a wee while to finish it off won't it? You said this was an amped up version or something."

" _Aimplified._ Sheesh Robyn, pay attention." She laughs, seeming suddenly back to her old self. Like we'd flicked the switch. I was glad. "It's just concentrated. But you should be okay by this afternoon, thankfully, after what… three weeks? You seem to mainly be left with only minor bruising. Should only take a few hours to finish off."

"Can I stay here for the rest of the day then?"

"Why on earth would you voluntarily do that?" she asks as she tugs my sleeve back down. I look at the floor with a blush, not wanting to admit my real reason as I look up with a cheeky grin, masking my anxiety.

"I fancy spending some time with you, make sure you're not wallowing anymore!"

"Well, I'm happy to have the company…"

"What do you need done?"

"Feel like organising some notes?"

"If I can manage to decipher your hand-writing, no problem!" I laugh and sit down again as she hands me a pile of shambolic papers, and refills my cup. "Hanji how many weeks of paperwork is this?"

"Fourish?"

"Four?! How has Erwin let you get away with this?"

"He's too chicken to come in here." She sniggers and I just shake my head as I feel the weight of this magnitude of information.

We settle into chit chat as we work away, and I feel my nerves settle again. The serum is filling me with that warm sensation, and I know I'll likely be back to normal by sundown. Probably before then. Once I was better there would be no reason not to ask him. No reason not to face up to the unanswered question.

I bite my lip and sip my coffee, I could totally handle this.

I fought Titans, I could ask Levi a simple question.

Couldn't I?

As I finish her papers and she closes her latest notebook, we realise it's late in the afternoon. The coffee is gone, and the work is done. No more excuses I guess. She insists on still helping me walk, refusing to let go till she'd done a full examination back at Levi's quarters.

It takes about twenty minutes for her meticulous mind to be satisfied, but finally, as I do up my shirt as I sit on Levi's desk she concludes the final dose has done the trick. I beam at Hanji, and we share an unguarded hug. My god, I feel like me again. I start running round the room, jumping and wiggling around, no longer scared about being in sudden pain. It's gone. It's finally gone.

"I could kiss you right now Hanji!"

"Now, now, Levi wouldn't be pleased." She winks and waggles her eyebrows.

My smile fades.

I was better, I was back to almost full strength. That meant I could finally tackle the elephant in the room. But did I really want to? The elephant had sat so patiently, and so quietly, why disturb it now? I look to the desk, two wine glasses sit and wait to be used this evening. Did I even want to find out the answer? Should I pretend—I stop myself. That was beyond pathetic.

Hanji is watching me, I just give a small shrug.

"I'm not sure he'd care much… I'm better now, he doesn't have to pretend-" My pillow wraps round my face. The woman had a damned good arm. "Um… ow?"

"He said you could be really stupid at times, but I'd never seen it till now."

"His words were actually, that I was a fucking Moron."

"Again, never seen it till now. But go ahead kiddo, prove shorty right." She puts a hand on her hip, the challenge in her voice and smirk.

I chuck the pillow to the bed, and walk over to the window. The sun would soon be setting. I've tried so hard over these few weeks to rationalise my panic attack when I asked that question. A couple hot nights between the sheets. That was all we had between us. Really, that was it. Since then we'd talked and laughed of course, but he was trying to help me heal.

That was pity, not affection.

I smirk as I remember how downtrodden he'd looked when he thought I was pitying him. I didn't feel downtrodden, just a little upset he had no need to pity me anymore. I was glad I'd never known this side to my personality till now, I fucking hated it. I felt like a girl. Though I had to admit, my experience with actual relationships was pretty mediocre. If not absolutely limited. I think I'd felt this before, but never this strong. I hated the word. It complicated things, tangled them up and made it tricky to get out. Once the word was said the slope got very sloppy, slippy, and slidey.

Hanji is still stood, waiting to hear my response. I feel the cold of the glass with a hand flat against it, taking a deep breath and hoping I can explain.

"Look Hanji… right after I first woke up? Right after Jack ran me through, I asked L- the Captain, if he still had no regrets. He couldn't answer."

"Right, so you can't go making assumptions!" She beams at me and I wish I could share her optimism. She sees my hesitation, and squints from behind her glasses. It's like she's trying to figure out her latest pet, I shudder to think what my nickname would be. "How is it you're so damn fearsome and fearless in all other things, but now you pull a chicken on me?"

"Because this matters." I look down in shame, and feel my face redden. It really matters, I hate that it does, but the situation is heavy on my mind. Hanji looks at me a little kinder now.

"Why does this matter more though?"

"Because this is why I can still fight. We started this just to feel something other than fear, we did it because we wanted to live again, because it was unfair that we didn't get the chance, just because we fought back. It wasn't supposed to…"

"Supposed to what, kiddo?"

"I wasn't supposed to end up loving him." I say it between teeth, holding my chest. Hanji moves towards me, probably wondering if I'm not actually healed. But I know this isn't a wound from any serum or blade. This wasn't even a real wound. It was in my head. And it fucking hurt. Dammit woman control your hormones.

"Kiddo..."

"And he wasn't supposed to be guilt-tripped into staying with me. Helping me as I pathetically limp about the place. But… shit… I-I do... _you-know-what_ him. And what right do I have?"

"Right? Robyn, you have every _right_ to feel like that, to be happy. Personally I can't think of anyone better to love Shorty, I'm amazed anyone can."

"I killed those four cadets, I stole their futures... how can I justify anything but duty..."

"Robyn you killed no one… till Jack… but seriously, your team? Their deaths are a tragedy, but they cannot ruling your life. You told me you'd made peace with this weeks ago!"

"That was before I felt so... So hopeful...which makes no sense, why am I hopeful when I already know he doesn't... _you-know-what_ me..."

"You don't know that he doesn't."

"Agree to disagree. But now I don't know if I'm strong enough to take the fact he regrets this entire thing. Fuck… I hate this, I feel so stupid. Hanji… I'm a fucking idiot."

"No arguments here, brat."

* * *

 **Yay Hanji Horse! And oh lordy, Levi has entered the room... *dramatic music***

 **Hope you enjoyed, leave a favourite, or even follow as there's plenty more shenanigans to come!**

 **Pun intended? *wink wink***

 **See you next time XD**

 **Note: I would like tell you guys about another piece of work, by FarewellfromFaith called "Embers And Ashes" its a great story, in its beginning stages, and I'm also Beta reading for it! I hope you go check it out, its set to be a damn fine read!**


	14. Absolutely

**Hello again reader! Well here we go, the decisive moment.**

 **Hope you guys enjoy, leave a review, favourite and follow, should the mood take you!**

 **Thanks for reading.**

 **Disclaimer: I still don't own AOT**

* * *

"No arguments here, brat."

His voice makes me jolt, exchanging a panicked look with Hanji as she turns pink. Had she known he was there? I frantically wipe away my tears, cheeks burning bright red. Damn it body, just let me act a little dignified please? Just once would be nice.

"Time for a swift exit…" and Hanji disappears. I stand straight, and turn to him when the door closes with a careful click. I wonder if she'll listen. I clench my fists as he removes his cloak, keeping his eyes fixed on me all the while. I give a curt nod.

Just rip it off, like an old bandage, just do it.

"Levi."

"Robyn."

We stand across from each other. Just watching as the strange silence continues. My hands are curling into fists as the tension rises. I don't know how much he heard, but judging from his previous eavesdropping, I'd say he heard every damned word.

It was really very rude.

I'm standing with defences supposedly up, but I know he sees me as I really am; vulnerable and fucking weak. I hate it and frantically scrabble at the rubble, trying to create some kind of barrier before this happens. I was a fool to let it happen, but even as I try and think back, I don't know exactly when it did. I don't know when this became love, and I cringe at the fact it had. This was so typically me. Moronic.

"I suppose you heard all that?"

"Every stupid word, brat." He steps towards me, and I match it with a retreat. He stops and sighs heavily, lifting his brows in the middle, as though exasperated. "Where are you going?"

"This doesn't need to get drawn out, Levi."

"What doesn't?"

"I know your regrets, so let's just leave it there all right? I can handle my own issues, always have, and always will. So just let me go, and that'll be that." I'm rambling, I know it, and I can't seem to calm my voice. He must be loving this, more useless jabbering.

"Why the fuck would I let you go?" He marches over, I back up into the bookshelf. His eyes are unreadable as he leans in, just like on that first night. My heart quickens as I remember the confusion of that night. It almost matched my current anxiety, pounding in my ears relentlessly, making it impossible to think. I try to speak again, but suddenly he's pinning me to the books, raising my arms above my head as he stares into me. "All healed… Well then…"

He hungrily moves his lips against mine, tongue sliding in so we're entwined. I suppose he's too frustrated to let this end before he's had one last go. Perhaps I could allow myself one last flicker of flame? Before I can make a conscious decision my mouth responds, and moves with his. I tilt my head and feel the kiss deepen. I give a small moan, feeling a thrill as he returns it, sounding almost as desperate as I feel. I'd been wanting him to burst through the door, and desperately hold me for the past three weeks. And now he was. He releases my wrists and hitches me up onto his waist, growling as he runs his hands all over me. I gasp as he nips at my bottom lip, and my legs tighten their hold on him. But this isn't right. Why am I holding on so tightly? This is just going to make it worse. I push against him and he glares at me, hands pulling my hips down against his waist, making my legs quiver as my nerves sing. His breathing is rough as I push harder, desperate for some space from the consuming need.

"Brat, you better have a damned good reason for—"

"You don't have to do this."

He just snarls, moves across to the bed and throws me down. I groan as he grinds his hips into mine, holding my waist against him as he kisses along my throat. I'm meant to be pushing him away, but my hands just claw at his shirt. It seemed my entire body was in rebellion. Every touch of his lips feels like a branding iron, and I gasp with each scalding kiss.

"The hell I don't." He rumbles as he bites on my shoulder, sending a jolt through my body. I bite down on my lip and speak a little angrily through my teeth.

"The last thing I need, is a pity fuck."

"Dammit, brat."

And he sinks off the bed to kneel on the ground. The sudden loss of contact has my head spinning a little but eventually I can sit up, slowly. A bead of sweat runs down, before he tugs his cravat off to mop his brow, then discards it carelessly onto the bed. I shuffle so my legs are over the side. Just as it was on that first night; only this time it's me looking lost.

"My regrets…?" He says it like it's a curse, and shakes his head. "What a stupid idea."

"When I asked you after waking up, you couldn't answer."

"Because I couldn't believe that I didn't, you moron." He groans, resting his head on the mattress. There's a pause, and he huffs exhaustedly. "I _should_ regret this. I know that."

He turns his head and looks up at me with those heavy lidded eyes, and I give a careful nod. I wait for him to continue, scolding myself for being so affected. My heart feels like it's trying to run clean out of my chest. All I can hope is I look a little normal as I feel myself wobble emotionally, and physically, and probably spiritually as well. I was wobbling on all planes of existence it seemed; how sophisticated of me.

"I felt completely useless." He whispers suddenly, and I flinch a little from the pain in his eyes. "Fuck... I _was_ completely useless. I had to stand by whilst that serum ripped you apart. Then in the hospital…"

"Levi—"

"Dammit brat, you were dead." he thumps his fist against the floor and sits up, frowning down at the mattress as the memory replays for him.

I never knew this. I knew it had been bad, but my heart actually stopped?

Wow I was overly dramatic.

He rubs his face and then holds onto his temples, frown deepening against the memory.

"I hammered against your chest, forcing that healing stuff round your body, for fucking ages. The nurses kept trying to stop me. Idiots. I nearly throttled the lot of them... Then suddenly you breathed again." He's breathless and slightly smiling, reaching up and drawing a strange pattern on my chest. "So when you asked if I still had no regrets? I couldn't believe the answer. Everything in me, _everything_ I knew, was telling me to regret it. To just drop it, and run the fuck away."

"So that's why you hesitated?"

"I knew I should've said it, I had every right to regret everything."

"Mm…" I nod, not able to meet his eye as he refers to all the trouble I've caused. Inadvertently or not, this had not been a good run for me. Even by my troublesome standards. But then he taps my chin to make me meet his eye. I jolt a little as I do; the smile is full on now, and as breath-taking as ever. This man didn't play fair.

"But then there it was, like you just said yourself, you idiot. It's my reason to fight. It's as true now as it was that first night. If not more so…" He sits up and puts his head against mine, brushing his nose to mine as the smiles melts into a smirk. "It's just like we said, brat. We'll burn together."

"And what if I don't fancy throwing you on the pyre anymore?" I say, trying to back up, but he's holding me in place. He meets my gaze fiercely, and runs a hand through my hair, breathing me in. The smile returns. A real smile that crinkles his eyes beautifully.

"Not your choice I'm afraid, I'm already there, and I can't leave."

"W-why not?"

"You're a fucking moron."

"And you're a fucking maniac."

We stare at each other for a long moment before he draws a deep breath and rolls his eyes, before pausing and staring me down intently. I feel it to my core.

"I love you, brat."

I swallow hard. No one had ever said that to me before, not in this context anyway. I feel the words brand me, and I shiver a little at the impact. It had been frightening to comprehend the fact I felt that deeply for him, but to have it returned? My defensive walls were decimated, but somehow at the same time reinforced like brand new. I felt completely vulnerable, and yet invincible at the same time. Damn that was confusing. I lick my lips and blink, his expression is patient - after all he already knows the feeling is returned. He probably hadn't sweated for a moment about this. Cool headed people had it so much easier. I take in an ever-so-slightly shaky breath, and play with the collar of his shirt.

"Shit… Well now we're both fucked."

"Absolutely fucked."

I watch his face but he's still smiling. He's happy to be absolutely fucked? I think back to that first night; to the fear when we realised the risks, he'd been as nervous as me. But then my own smile takes over, as I remember the strength that followed. Together we'd actually get to live, together we'd burn. I stifle a laugh, my concerns seem so juvenile now.

He's watching all this trickle through my mind, and I feel like now, now I'm actually healed. This kind of dependency was not good, but I could tell myself off later. For now we'd celebrate. He runs a hand across my knee, edging up my thigh and he looks up deviously.

"Now then, let me pick up where I left off?"

"No."

I stand up, and he does the same. He watches me with fascinated eyes as I smirk, turning with my hands on his chest so he faces away from the bed. I push him down to sit, and climb onto his lap, kissing him deeply. I don't feel anything hold me back, no fear, and no hesitation of what the strong pulling sensation on my heart is. I know what it is now, and it was strangely wonderful now that I'd admitted it to my stupid self. For a moment I break away, and I feel his impatience as he holds my lower back tightly, pulling me closer.

"I Love you, Levi." I say it with eyes closed, hands shaking. Okay maybe there was a little fear left, after all it was a tall order to be good enough for this man. I feel him take a long breath, only to release it in the happiest sigh I've ever heard. This was ridiculous, so much joy shouldn't be allowed between two people.

I grin, and continue the kiss.

It's consuming, and I can barely feel anything but his mouth on mine. But I want to do more for him, I want to make him feel all he can. I want to please him.

But I also want to play with him.

I remember his cravat, and I chuckle as a plan forms in my mischievous mind.

He's distracted whilst I bite and nip, our tongues dancing hungrily, and moans rumble in his throat. I run my hands down his strong arms, and push his wrists behind him. A smile is on our shared lips, but his vanishes as he feels me bind his hands together with his discarded cravat. He struggles against it. I'm still kissing him, but I open my eyes and see he has done the same. His pupils are huge, high on the moment, but now a little cautious as he considers what I'll do to him.

"Robyn..."

My grin is sadistic as I lean back a bit, his eyes becoming glued to my lips. I slowly lick them, and feel him shudder, despite his expression remaining carefully blank.

I wonder how long he can that mask in place.

A challenge arises.

He's already straining against his trousers, so I decide to test his resilience.

I recede a few steps; he gets up to follow, but I kick him back down. He glares, but stays put. Good man. When he's settled, and a few moments of still quiet have passed, I slowly begin to undo the buttons on my civilian shirt. His eyes look ravenous as he leans forward a fraction. I can see, even through his shirt, the way his muscles strain against his binding, but still his expression is carefully composed. I finally get to the last button. The shirt falls away, and I bite my lip whilst bending over to him, hands on his knees, and watching with triumph as his eyes drift over me meticulously.

But still his expression doesn't change.

I ghost my lips against his, lightly tracing with my tongue, before spinning round and lingering between his legs. With my hands still on his knees, I lean back and rest my head on his chest. His heart is pounding. I look up, and raise myself till our lips are a breath apart, but as he moves in, I turn away and slowly grind against him. He groans, panting slightly, as he kisses and bites on my shoulder, the only part of me he can still reach.

The mask is slipping.

Again I spin and kiss along his throat, teeth dragging against his hot skin whilst he breathes haggardly. His arms twitch again, as he tries to free himself but it's no use. He's at my mercy. But still, it's only his eyes that give it away.

Fine.

I kneel down and run my hands up his legs slowly, nails dragging a little. His brow twitches as my hands glide up his stomach, and then begin to undo his shirt. I then tug it down his arms as far as I can, before I begin kissing along his shoulders and down his pecks, licking down the center of his stomach.

"Nngh… Robyn… _please_ …"

I push him back, and he arches against his binding. Finally, it breaks through; his face contorted as I remove his belt, and pop the button of his trousers. His mouth hangs open as rough pants leave him, his entire body rigid as my fingernails trace where his trousers look fit to burst. The game is over, and I can't torture him anymore. I undo his straps, and pull everything off.

I won't deny it was intimidating; very intimidating.

But I wanted to make him feel. I wanted him to feel the best he ever had. I wanted to reward his bravery of letting me in, of admitting to loving me.

"Oh… shit…" He rasps as I feel him hit the back of my throat and he shivers beneath me. I trace my tongue along his length as I slowly begin to rise and fall, my cheeks hollowed. He moans, his back still slightly arched but he's fighting it. Fighting against the urge to thrust deeper into my mouth presumably. Thankfully. He's scalding hot and shuddering. "R-Robyn… I-I… Nngh—"

I feel his pulsating hardness and realise he's about to lose control. But I want him to, he asked me to help him feel, and I'd do just that. I keep going, tracing along his stomach with my nails. My tongue dances along him, and flicks at the tip as it grows salty. I feel him pant my name, it soon becoming a hiss between his clenched teeth. I hum as I slide my tongue along him, tracing little patterns as I go. Then I draw strongly, till he once again hits the back of my throat.

" _Robyn I—_ " He groans coarsely, and I gulp him down, his salty essence warm as it slides down my throat. Thank the Walls I didn't have a gag-reflex.

He falls limply to the bed, gasping, sweat making his muscles shine.

"Y-You're fucking… incredible… brat…" he murmurs, licking his lips as his body continues to shudder through the sensation.

I smile and I run a finger down the center of his ridiculous abs.

He's all mine.

I climb back onto his lap, and he suddenly sits bolt upright, energised like brand new. He kisses all over my chest, and anywhere else he can reach. It's almost needy, if it wasn't as ravenous as his teeth catch at my skin. I chuckle darkly and he looks up; watching me slowly lick him from my lips.

He whimpers.

My eyes go wide. And I take a second to comprehend the guttural need of that noise.

That can't have just happened.

I just made Captain Levi, Humanities Strongest, _whimper_?

My body tingles.

"Did I make you feel good my Captain?" I run a hand down his slick torso and he nods, not breaking eye contact. "Mm, good. That's all I want to do."

I untie him, but hold his arms when they flex to grab at me. Holding his gaze so he stops, and waits for me to move. I slowly move my hands to his chest, a simple smile pulling at my mouth. I feel my cheeks turn red, and suddenly I feel bashful. Stupid really, but it seemed to be becoming a habit.

Our lips meet and its sweet, it's gentle and loving instead of hungry. At first he's a little rough, I think spurned on by the fact he can taste himself on my tongue. Knowing full well I was his now. Our hands trace over each other. He runs over each muscle, curve and scar that I bare, and I feel my heart swell. This time its love between us, lust glowing beneath but we simply fall together.

I smile as he hardens beneath me, slowly tugging at my trousers as he licks my collar bone. He lays me down beneath him, before lying beside me, kissing me kindly as his hand drifts from my throat to trace the long scar on my stomach. I flinch, the pink line is jagged and very clear against my tanned skin. It doesn't hurt but I know it'll always brand my skin, just like all the others.

"You're too damned beautiful, you know that, brat?"

"You have very strange standards." I mumble whilst he leans down to kiss the scar tenderly, and I smile. "Levi?"

"Mm?" He nuzzles at my neck, biting occasionally. The scary captain, who strikes fear into his cadets by just looking their way, is nuzzling me. The surreal nature to this situation will probably never fade.

"How're we going to hide this?"

"Not sure we can, anymore…" He kisses my forehead. "But I'm not sure I care anymore, either."

"Really?"

"Hanji knows, and Erwin suspects. He hasn't said anything, so I figure it's all right."

"And if it's not?" I ask raising a brow at his lack of concern.

"Makes no difference."

"Really? I don't want to be getting ranted at by Erwin, and find you've fucked off to hide in a cleaning supply cupboard."

"Look, brat. I'm yours if it's against orders or not. Now shut up."

"You started it." I laugh before he kisses me again, his hand continuing to travel down my body, smirking as he watches anticipation tickle my face. His hand pauses before slowly beginning to caress me where I long him to be.

With touches so delicate I wonder if I'm imagining them, we become one and move together, our breaths travelling between our bodies. I can scarcely understand how the same action can be so very different, but it is. The electricity is there just as before, but without the frenzied mania. It's a constant thrum of warmth that courses through my veins, and nerves as my heart pounds. It's like he's filled me with light.

Love is overflowing from me as I watch him in all his glorious beauty. His dark hair is dishevelled, falling across his steel eyes as he kisses my flesh lovingly. His arms envelope me, strong and safe as he gives small moans and murmurs my name. I return the gesture, whispering into his ear a little roughly as I move my hips with his. Somehow the fizz to my nerves gets even more intense and my breath hitches. The sun has long been set as we feel ourselves quiver as the moment gets closer, and I cling to him as he quickens his pace, unable to hold back forever.

"I love you, Robyn." He huffs, as though sealing the moment in his mind forever as he looks me straight in the eyes. I can barely see straight as my body thrums with ecstasy, but I hold his gaze and run a shaky hand across his cheek.

"I love you, Levi." As soon as it passes my lips, it's chased down by a small cry as my head snaps back, pleasure flashing through me in a sudden wave of intensity. He bites down on my shoulder, a muffled shout sounding before he too is lost.

In a tangled heap we lie breathing each other in. It was glorious. Sweet, tingling exhaustion clouds our minds as the sun finally sets on the compound. It's far too early, but sleep comes to us, my head on his chest, and his arms still holding me close.

The madness of the world subsides.

* * *

It doesn't take long for the news to spread. But I care a lot less than I thought I would, but I figure it's because Levi's fine with them knowing. Its makes no difference to me after all. Occasionally I get cold looks from the other rookies, but only from the girls. This makes me laugh, they obviously had a thing for their Captain. Seemed odd that I hadn't till he confessed he had one for me. And yet he had ended up with me. This world was so backwards at times. Then again, it may well have been Levi's masochistic nature that went after one, of the few, women not begging at his door. Didn't seem too far-fetched.

We sit and have breakfast together, and I watch him sip his tea; little frown in place all the while. It made a weird kind of sense to me that he would immediately lean towards someone not willing to put up with his shit. He was a masochist, but a self-aware one. I think he knew better than anyone else, the fact he needed help dealing with all this shit. Not that he'd ever admit that. Some girls wander in for their food, watching me closely as they do, confusion on their faces. I snigger into my coffee, then explain to Levi when he notices the shade I'm getting. I find it funny really, but he just grimaces and shakes his head.

"Stupid, brats."

"Oi, they can't help it."

He looks up from his cup. His eyes narrow a fraction. He really didn't get it. Silly man.

"What're you on about, brat?"

"You can be ridiculously attractive when you're not being an absolute prick." I sip my coffee, his eyes scan around before settling back onto me with a raised brow. I give a small shrug. "So not _very_ often."

He glares as I laugh a little too loudly, a few heads turn. But all of them turn when he joins in. It's an alien noise to them. I sigh and remember how weirdly wonderful it had sounded when I first heard it. Now I heard it often, but it was still lovely. I then stop myself with a bite to my tongue; this was getting way too soppy. He continues to shake his head. I touch his hand and glance around, he frowns and shrugs. He doesn't care at all does he? He laces his fingers through mine, looking back into his cup, expression smoothing to one of peace. I go back to my breakfast, smiling all the while. This didn't count as a drooling moron did it?

I check my chin, no dribble.

On a mission that managed to go on without much incident, we had captured a Titan for Hanji. Of course she was thrilled, and eager to start studying her new friend. At this point, now halfway through the afternoon following our capture of it, she was helping the cadets tie it up and secure the beast. I could hear it grumbling at her whilst I helped out in the compound, some new recruits were struggling getting their gear fixed on properly. I thought I'd save them a tongue lashing from the Captain. But as the beast grumbled on, Hanji just kept crooning at it. Lord knew what she was going to call this one. Once the recruits are fixed in properly, gushing about their gratitude, I head over to the pen and help Hanji get her notes together.

We had grown a lot closer since the experiment, and I was glad. I'd always found her fascinating, but now I actually enjoyed her company. Albeit with a pinch of salt. With her new toy, she seems like child having tasted sugar for the first time. It takes all day but finally the Commander is happy with the security of the beast, and we all head in for dinner. I'm not sure what Hanji is planning for tonight but she's still working away. The rain clouds have rolled in, and when the woman finally arrives inside, she looks like a drowned rat. Smiling all the while.

"Can I ask you guys a favour?" she chirps. I flinch, and Levi leans a little closer to me. It's just a fraction, but I feel it nonetheless. "No serums, I promise… sheesh… you make one mistake…"

"How can we help Hanji?" I ask, a hand on Levi's lap to keep him calm.

"Well I was wanting to do another study on the effects of darkness on the Titans, and as this one is a little bigger and livelier. I was wondering what the difference would be with the rain fall."

"Might do considering how like photosynthesis the other qualities seem to be."

They all stare at me: Hanji looks like she wants to kiss me, Levi looks impressed, and Eren etc. all look completely bamboozled as to how I would know such things. Even Armin. I shoot them a look and shrug.

"I'm not just a little rage machine, I _can_ read."

"You've been paying attention!" cheers Hanji, hands clasped over her heart like a proud mother. I roll my eyes at her, and focus on my coffee cup, hoping my blush would die down. "That's what I'm wondering, but I was looking for some company really."

"And that's all?" Levi murmurs, eyebrow arched. "Nothing more, Shitty Glasses?"

"That's it Shorty, I just get a little bored out there once they doze off."

I hadn't done an all-nighter in a long time, it sounded like fun. The group agrees and we decide to head out to make a kind of temporary shelter so we don't all drown by morning. But as I get up to help Jean get supplies for a fire, I see Erwin has left his table already. I really needed to talk to him about trying to find Keza. I had no idea where to start, and it seemed like he might. He'd have headed to his office in all likeliness. I tap Jean's shoulder.

"Hey Jean? I'll be right back okay? I need to go talk to the Commander, real quick."

"Sure, everything okay Robyn?" his young face is clouded by concern, but I just ruffle his hair and smile broadly, walking backwards towards the stairwell.

"Yeah, I just need his advice on something. Won't be long!"

I turn and head up the stairs, to jog along till I reach Erwin's office. I stand outside for a moment, hesitation gripping me. If he could help it would be wonderful, but if he did help and I found out she was dead? Or worse? My hand hovers above the wood as indecision clouds my mind. I'd spent so long running from my past, the very idea of reaching into it, seemed completely wrong.

"Cadet, Sanshi?"

I must have jumped three feet in the air, when the Commander's voice sounds behind me. He holds out his hands as though expecting me to lunge and attack him, but I just stand there clutching my chest as I pant through my heart palpitations. How was a man that tall and broad, able to walk as silently as Levi? Damn ninjas.

"Apologies, didn't mean to frighten you."

"Sorry Commander, just… phew, you scared me half to death." I laugh and step back to let him open his own door.

"Why so jumpy, Cadet?" he asks, but then pauses halfway across the threshold, to frown down at me, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "What did you do?"

"Nothing!" I huff, he pauses but then smiles simply, before leaving the door open for me to follow him inside. I do so, and close the door, face a little red after his assumption of me having caused more havoc. I then chuckle, it was a fair enough assumption I guess. "I actually needed to ask your advice on something, sir."

"Oh? And what would that be?" he begins sorting through files on his desk; formations, budgets, letters of complaint and also of condolences. I feel a little guilty bringing my silly whim to his already full table, but I knew I might as well ask now. Or the man would wonder what this was all about. I stand in front of his desk and clasp my hands in front of me, twiddling my thumbs as I bite my lip. "The longer you hesitate, Cadet, the more I think you have done something, and I therefore have something to clean up. If this is about Jack's death, I still haven't heard back from the council, so at the moment we can assume you're free and clear. So don't be—"

"No, no Commander, nothing as grave as that."

"Oh? Well... good."

"I just wanted to try… to try and find someone from my past. But I don't really know where to begin in all honesty."

"Find them, why? Revenge, or reunion?"

"Reunion sir, if it was revenge I probably wouldn't be bringing it to your door. I cause you enough trouble as it is…" I mumble scratching the back of my head as my blush deepens. He nods, and sits back with a small yawn.

"Where is it you need to look, or do you know that?"

"Most likely the Captial, sir."

"The Captial?" he repeats incredulously, what was a little Cadet with no name and no family ties of importance, wanting with someone in the Capital? I see it go through his head before he purses his lips and gestures for me to continue. At least I had him interested.

"Well… it's my friend Keza, sir… she went there a few years before I came to the military, and I can't think of any reason she would leave sir. Good business up there."

"Business?"

There's an awkward silence as I try and put the term delicately. But then and he blushes a little, as he makes a correct assumption about my Keza. She was a resourceful girl. He clears his throat and reaches for a blank piece of parchment.

"Full name, and description if you please."

"Really?" I gasp, a little guilty about my surprise, but overwhelmed by my gratitude. This man had a thousand things to be dealing with, and he was willing to help me find an old friend? He was impossible to predict. He looks up and nods, a small smirk tugging at his lips.

"I can make inquiries with my contacts there. How pressing a matter is it?"

"I-I don't know what to say... thank you sir! It's just a personal thing sir, so no need to r-rush." I try and calm myself, excitement making me feel completely giddy. He smirks full on now and shakes his head at me.

"Really, I think it's good pregress that you're willing to engage with your past. Of all my Cadets you seem to have the most issues with yours."

"Mm… yeah… sorry…"

"No need to apologise Sanshi, for many of us, we can't be blamed for our past."

"I am so grateful, Sir... But to answer your question, Keza… her full name is... shit... well she's known by everyone as Keza. She has long dark brown hair, bright green eyes, freckles, is a good three inches taller than me and very slim."

He nods and takes notes, chuckling a little at my profanity. I knew my formality was slipping, but I was too excited to care.

"Anything else?"

"Basically... she's the kind of woman you do a double-take on when she walks into a room, a real beauty that makes all men love her and all women want to kill her on the spot… sir." I add when I realise how low my formality just plummeted beyond recognition. He notes this down, though paraphrases my last bit of description. He nods and files it with the other things he has to do, before pouring himself a drink and nodding towards his door.

"If that's all Cadet Sanshi? I'll let you know if anything develops. Although… this really is a 'friend' right? This isn't about to become… an issue? You're not one of these women wanting to 'kill her on the spot'?"

"No, sir. All happy chappy's."

"Right… well then, I might as well tell you now, we potentially have reason to go to the Capital coming up."

"Whilst that's convenient, I sense it's not going to be pleasant..." I groan, biting my lip. He shakes his head and passes me the ludicrously fancy invitation to a banquet of some kind. I can barely read the twirling writing. It keeps dancing.

"It's merely a fundraiser of sorts. Therefore, if I don't hear anything back by then, you could make inquiries yourself, if you so wish."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir!" I beam and give the happiest salute I ever did, he shakes his head and takes a long sip of his drink. I turn about and leave him in peace. It was a heavy burden he carried, but he took it with so much composure. Anyone else would be harsh, perhaps even mean; doing anything to distance themselves. Yet whilst the Commander was reserved, you could always tell there was compassion lingering behind those blue eyes. I wondered if he ever let himself take a proper break. I frown as I descend the stairs, and out into the soup-like compound whilst the rain continues to fall. As Cadets, we got down-time, we got to mingle with each other and make connections. I suppose that wasn't part of the deal, when taking on the Commanding role. He had to keep a distance. I feel the rain on my hair and sigh, seemed odd that in order to help save Humanity, Erwin had to disconnect from it. Yet he remained compassionate. It was an odd paradox.

"About time! Nearly got the whole thing done without you, lazy bones!" laughs Jean, breaking me from my depressing train of though. I smile and slide my way over, through the mud and muck.

The team has done well to get our shelter in place quickly, so the ground beneath the covering is at least still a solid. Apparently they all headed back in to get food and coffee burners. Leaving Jean out here on his lonesome. He's already set down the stones for the fire pit, so I start gathering up the logs and piling them on. Lanterns light our way, both of us trying to ignore the blank face of the Titan that is framed in shadow. Creepy bastard.

"Was the Commander able to help?" Jean asks, trying to sound casual, but failing miserably as his ears turn pink.

"Yeah, a great help actually. I can never predict what that man'll do."

"Was it something..." he pauses and blushes deeper, but then he grits his teeth. He seems almost tortured. "Was it something to do with the Captain? Did he hurt you?"

"What?" I laugh but when seeing his concern I stop piling the wood and gently touch his shuolder. The kid flinches but remains determined. He seriously thought I'd gone to Erwin because of a relationship issue? Although the temptation to point out the idiocy of this assumption, is overruled by the boy's obvious concern for me. "No... no it wasn't Jean... it was about me trying to get in contact with an old friend."

"Oh..." somehow the blush gets worse and I just put my arm round him, nudging his jaw with my fist playfully. What a tit. "I thought... shit... I feel like a jackass."

"I'll put it down to kindness Jean, thanks for the concern. You dope." I snigger and continue building the wood pile up. I hear Jean scuffle about a bit, kicking the dirt and gnawing on his bottom lip as a weird silence takes over.

"Y'know Robyn…"

"I know of her…" I murmur and watch him smirk a little.

"I… just... I just wanted to say, I'm happy for you." He sounds oddly timid right now, and I nudge him with the log I'm currently holding. His eyes snap to me and shine a little with something I don't understand, was it shame? I smile carefully at him and lay down the log.

"Thank you, Jean. Again, that's very sweet of you. A little random but sweet all the same."

"Sorry if I ever… I mean…" he scratched the back of his head, eyes returning to the pit. "I hope I was never creepy towards you or anything."

Creepy? And then I think to the times I'd caught his eyes lingering a little longer than most. He's been acting a little off ever since Jack first made that move, and I realise it's still bothering Jean to this day. The man was so sweet, and yet he got such a bad time for being a jackass. I smile and give him a peck on the cheek.

"I took it all as a compliment Jean. Really, what girl wouldn't?" I hand him the extra kindling, and he smiles broadly. I think he was genuinely worried about this. "Although I appreciate the concern. Although please stop looking so guilty, doesn't suit you."

He gives a shy nod and I laugh, setting the match into the wood and watching it catch. It roars into life, and I hover my hands close to the dancing flames, the heat is glorious. Some of the best memories I had were made by the crackling of a fire. Some, not all.

"H-He's good to you isn't he?" The question catches me off guard, I pause and simper a little. The flames dance and twirl as I watch them, and consider how much like a family our little regiment was at times. Everyone looking after each other as though brothers and sisters. Though in many ways we were joined by blood. It just happened to be spilt. Jean kneels down beside me, and nudges my shoulder. "Robyn?"

"He is." I breathe, turning to watch the concern melt away from his sincere face. "He's a hard-ass as a Captain, still is even now when giving me an order. But I wouldn't want that to change. But yes, he's very good to me Jean, really. I'm really happy." I laugh, a confused frown creasing my brow. It had been a long time since I really felt like that wasn't a white lie. He looks up to watch the embers rise into their air.

"Yeah, he's a taxing git when giving out orders but… he seems less angry all the time. Which is good. I get less cleaning duty that way."

"Glad I could help," I laugh, and he joins in.

"But I'm glad he's good to you, then again I guess he'd have his ass handed to him if he wasn't?"

"You've been paying attention!" I do my best Hanji impression and he laughs.

"You're such a weirdo woman." He straightens up as I do, and I doff my non-existent cap. He shoves me a little and turns to greet the rest of the group who've brought the rest of the supplies.

Soon enough everyone is sat down on mats and we've set up a few mini stoves for coffee and such. It was oddly peaceful once Levi had fixed the partition in between us, and the leering face of "Todd", with a little help from taller Eren. I'd suggested the name to Hanji, after remembering Sweeney Todd being mentioned in amongst all of Levi's books.

"I'll call him Todd. I-I can't have Sweeney, so close to losing my little Sawney!" And she gives a dramatic sniff with a dab at her eye. And they called me mad? She mainly worked with Armin in the corner nearest the break in the partition. She occasionally dipped her head round to check on her pet, crooning constantly.

I sat with Levi, leaning against his chest as the rain continued to pour. Everyone was chatting, and laughing away. It was a hum of comradery; it was moments like these that we fought for. It seemed odd that a few days prior we had been outside the walls, all alert and aware of Death being potentially at hand. Yet now we sat calmly by the fire, with a pet Titan bound up a dozen or so metres away. But the joy was real here, it wasn't fleeting, it wasn't forced. I sigh a little sleepily, being content really took it out of me.

"Get that woman a coffee." Laughs Connie handing me one over, I raise it to him and smile.

"Read my mind, cheers. How late is it? Or am I being a complete wimp?"

"A wimp obviously." Rumbles Levi. "It's barely past the usual lights out mark."

"Tut, tut, past your bedtime?" Eren then blushes as soon as he's said it. I glance up at Levi who is staring at the poor boy with his usually unrelenting expression. I sit up and nudge his shoulder, he glances my way and smirks. Eren looks to me with wide eyes. "Sorry…"

"Oh wheesht Eren, he's just being a grumpy old man. Ignore him, I do." I wink at Eren and he grins, glancing behind me. I cringe as Levi reaches for his own coffee cup that Connie has refilled. He wasn't going to let me away with that.

"Old man?"

"Well… if the shoe fits I guess?" I chuckle, and he clicks his tongue. "Or should that be slipper?"

"Thought it was you getting sleepy, brat."

"Well I wasn't the one who had a nap earlier."

"So that's why you're so cranky..." Levi murmurs, looking into his coffee as everyone laughs at his oddly effective humor. For once it wasn't about fecal matter.

We all laugh as conversation blooms, and everyone relaxes a little more around the Captain. Not entirely obviously, I don't think that's possible for them. Probably never would be. I chuckle as I consider how dangerous he must seem to them, remembering how much I used to do the same. Little did I know what else he was capable of. In a way I wished they could know how gentle he could be, but then I immediately take back the thought as I consider what it would mean. He's their Captain, the strongest soldier Humanity has, they have to believe he's made of steel, it keeps their fears at bay. I don't mind knowing his other side, I know the steel is as strong as it ever was, it just so happens it occasionally allows itself to yield. Occasionally.

There's a gasp from behind the partition, and we all tense a little, our gear well within reach but not equipped. Hanji appears with an excited expression.

"He's staying much more alert than the others. I think the rain is making a difference!"

"Oh good, the Titan is wide awake…" Levi mutters frowning at her. "Glasses you really should get your head checked out."

"Pah, not likely Lance, they'd never let me back out."

"It's good not to live in denial." I say with a grin, which we share as fellow nuts. Her glasses flash in the firelight and she throws her arms up into the air excitedly.

"Exactly Robyn. Plus Idiots fear what they don't understand, eh Eren?" The boy blushes, giving a slight shrug.

"Occasionally…"

"Hey did you guys hear about Sandra?" Connie looks around with wide eyes, gossip tugging at his tongue impatiently. I shuffle back a little, taking Levi's arm and wrapping round me. He gently kisses my neck and I sigh into him. This was such a good idea of Hanji's. Who knew babysitting a Titan could be so much fun?

A shake of the head has gone round the little tent area, and Connie looks fit to burst. I giggle, Levi's arm tightens around me lovingly.

"What happened Connie? You better say it before you pop."

"She's put in for a transfer to go the Military Police!"

"Why?" it rings around the group.

"Maybe she got sick of hitting trees?" I laugh and they chuckle with me. Connie just shrugs.

"No one really knows, but there's a rumour that she's pregnant!"

Everyone gasps and I feel Levi tense.

Oh… shit.

* * *

 **I'm sorry, I'm so mean for cliffhangers!**

 **Be prepared for some fairly dramatic sh*t in the next installment, never a dull moment in the life of Robyn Sanshi!**

 **Shout-out to 112113 sorry if THAT scene wasn't quite as 'brutal' as you'd hoped, but I hope still enjoyable ;) haha, and also thank you for your continuing support! Really appreciated!**

 **Thanks for reading, leave a review if you so wish, i love to hear from you guys! Also give a favourite or a follow, again, makes my day every time I get another one! See you next time.**


	15. Promise

**Hello again reader! Well here we some intense stuff, and potential triggers, nothing overly graphic as usual, but still WARNING APPLIED.**

 **Hope you guys enjoy, leave a review, favorite and follow, everything helps, and makes my day to know your thoughts!**

 **Thanks for reading.**

 **Disclaimer: I still don't own AOT**

* * *

Everyone gasps and I feel Levi tense.

Oh… shit.

It only then occurs to me that we'd never actually discussed what would happen should our 'intimacy' result in anything other than pleasure. I don't think it had even occurred to him. In all honesty it hadn't occurred to me to discuss it. Silly really, but when you live from day to day, it was hard to think a week ahead sometimes, let alone 9 months. I look at my red ribbon that is bound round my wrist. Seemed an odd coincidence that I chose to begin my search tonight, and wear this; considering where I feared this conversation would now ultimately lead. It had been because I didn't want to forget talking to Erwin about finding her, but now it seemed like a weirdly placed marker for this point in the evening. I tug at the knot, and internally demand my past shut the door behind itself. I wasn't capable of a bun in the oven, but the reason… I cringed back from the fact this might come to light in front of everyone. My past was being a persistent bastard at the moment, egged on by my own prying I guessed.

I'd never actually told Levi. On all those long nights of talking about the past, my idiotic head had never swung that way. Then again, I'd spent a lot of time blocking it all out, so it made sense. Just not right now.

Shit, I could only imagine what was going through his head. The panic and worry. He'd be wondering if I was 'that way' already, he was probably wondering why he'd never known me to be unable to be with him because of 'women issues'. I feel like I can hear the smoke hissing out of his ears as things whizz through that fast mind.

Levi's hold on me was stronger now. Shit… what is he thinking…?

"Anyone know who the father is?" Armin says, barely looking up from his book.

"Nah, that's a guess for anyone…" mutters Connie.

"Jean…" groans Eren, who then laughs as Jean gives him a kick.

"Fuck off Jeager, I never touched that mousey little thing."

"I reckon its Handar." Connie looks a little smug with his detective work.

I'm wondering when they're all going to realise how much they're putting their feet in their mouths, with me and Levi so close by. This was going to get very awkward, very quickly. I wished there was a way I could move out of earshot, and quickly explain to Levi as he became like a statue behind me. But if I did that, the group would just assume I was pregnant, and then I'd need to explain to them anyway. Plus I doubted Levi was able to move right now. He was probably trying to think of a thousand escape plans. Then again I didn't know if he even wanted children.

Now I tense.

What if he did?

" _Handar_? Really? That weakling? Didn't think he had it in him." Laughs Jean. "But I guess that's what happens when you start fooling around. To be expected really. I dunno what I'd do if I got someone preggers… scary shit."

"That poor girl." Mikasa looks into the fire. "Then again, I guess she can look forward to being a mother now? Must be nice in a way."

"I don't think I could ever have kids." Murmurs Eren, also watching the flames. I try not to cringe as I watch Mikasa's face grow blank. "Unless I could guarantee their safety or freedom… nah… I couldn't do it. Not fair to them, or me."

"Well said Jaeger."

The whole group turns to Levi as he spits the words, their faces gradually paling as they realise how their words may have been taken. They look at Levi, and then me. They're all wondering if we've talked about this? Was this something we had argued about? Was I pregnant right now, and Levi was making a very weird passive-aggressive dig at that fact?

What a fucking mess.

I myself have just given a thankful cheer in my mind, I wasn't going to have to disappoint him in the most brutal way. Well universe, you gave me that at least.

I smile at them and blush a little, I can feel him trembling a little behind me but I don't bring attention to it.

He's wondering if I want them.

He's freaking out.

Ground, just swallow us whole please?

"Considering my families track record, can't say I'd have ever wanted them either." I say with a shrug, hoping to relieve the tension. But no one relaxes, they all look from me to each other, blushing a little. I wasn't going to get out of this that easily was I?

"But um… Robyn? I mean…" Eren blushes and looks to the floor, wringing his hands together. "It's not something… you really… decide?"

"No, really. It's not something, I have to worry about."

They all frown, and I feel Levi tense again.

Nope, that's not enough information Robyn. All you're doing is causing more confusion. I look around but no one looks willing to let this slide. Especially Connie who looks almost dementedly interested.

Yeah, this is awkward.

Well fuck it, I have to explain now.

I sit up a little, taking a moment to touch Levi's face, his expression is blank but his eyes are on fire as he looks to the ground. He's panicking. He's absolutely terrified. When I touch his cheek he looks at me, and I see his lips purse. He's searching for the right words, but I just smile and quickly kiss him on the mouth before sitting up and looking round.

"I can't anyway, so it's a moot point."

Generally there's a sigh of relief, but both Eren and Levi remain tense. A hand is on my shoulder and I look back to Levi's confusion, he pulls a little to make me lean back where I was. He's not trembling, but his heart is pounding.

"How can you possibly know that?" His voice is amazingly level. His hand drifts to where my newest scar lives. "Did the blade—"

"No, no." I soothe before drawing a deep breath, preparing to dig into the part of my past I very rarely saw fit to revisit. I fiddle with my ribbon, searching out the words and putting them in the right order. Do I just blurt it out? No. A story always helps dull the blow.

This was not going to be pretty.

"I guess I should explain…"

"Yeah… please?" Eren's voice is so worried I wonder at the fact he looks generally composed. That voice was usually accompanied by shuddering and his throwing his arms round my neck, holding desperately. But then I remember who I'm sitting with, that situation would not end well. I draw a deep breath and grit my teeth, they were my friends. I could share this with them.

"It was… uh… okay. It was when I was ten, I'd been on the streets for two years in Shiganshina, and was pretty much starving. So when this little old nun offered me shelter in her orphanage, I saw no reason to refuse. Hungry belly makes anyone stupid..."

"W-what happened?" Armin's eyes were wide, his hands shaking as he held onto his book. I knew from his wide reading, he was probably well aware of what I was about to explain, he knew the sordid parts of humanity's past. But I guessed he didn't want to believe it. I probably wouldn't if I suspected it had happened to a close friend.

"I was there about a week, they fed me, clothed me, even let me have a decent bath. But on the Sunday night, they enacted their 'ritual'. Me and four other girls. They dragged us into this little make-shift operation theatre, and strapped us down. Soon enough we were knocked out, but when we woke up we were all out on the street again. It was so fucking cold when I woke up, that I think I was numb because of that. Good thing too really. I looked down and there was this big scar…" I draw a line just below where my underwear sits. "And then I saw the note in my pocket. I had been 'cleansed' apparently. We street-rats were a plague upon the saved people behind the walls. So the nuns had saved us from further damning ourselves, from further dirtying the city—"

"They sterilised you?" Armin was gracious enough to supply the translation, and everyone couldn't help but stare. I nodded and shrugged. It felt weird to be laying this all out there, but I just keep reminding myself that they're my friends. This was fine. They wouldn't be disgusted, or horrified, if anything they'd just be annoyingly worried.

"How could they do that?" Mikasa is barely whispering.

I meet her gaze kindly, she flinches back, clearly unable to comprehend my calm demeanour of being robbed of part of my womanhood. They were all acting like this had just happened to me. It was over a decade ago. I hadn't been robbed of anything, I had never had the chance to want children. So it was just a fact of my life. But of course this wasn't how they were seeing it.

"With righteous mind-sets and scalpels." I look at my steady hands, and chuckle. "At the time it didn't bother me, except for the lingering pain. I was a kid, I didn't want kids. And later in life I'd just grown used to it. And really I agree with Eren, without a certain future, I couldn't face having a child. So in the end it all works out."

They're faces remain pitiful and I groan, standing up and brushing myself down.

"C'mon guys stop it. Am I blubbering? Confessing this through heart-wrenched sobs?" they shake their heads, seeming confused. "No, I'm not. So please stop looking me like I'm some kind of wounded puppy. Those nuns got their comeuppance anyway..." I scuff my foot against the drying dirt, uneasy under their gazes.

"I thought you hadn't minded?" challenged Levi, still not looking my way.

"About not being able to have children? No I didn't, and don't mind. What I objected to was the fact that, out of the five of us, only two of us survived."

"Holy shit…" Jean breathes, looking pale.

"Yeah… Holy is right. Three were 'saved', and dead within days. Out on the street it's difficult to keep a wound like that clean, whilst also staying as still as possible, and you have to stay still because it fucking hurts." I realise my voice is getting angry, but I just tug on the ribbon's knot and let myself calm down. I begin to pace, walking around the outside of the circle of people as I try and keep a level head, and voice. "I hid out in a hospital supply room, in the panels above the cupboards. Hurt like hell to get there, but I was able to get to penicillin and such."

"Smart."

"Yeah, but three of the girls were too scared to go near the hospital, afraid of doctors and whatnot. Seemed a bit stupid to me, considering it was nuns that cut us up. But still, me and Keza lived." I tap the ribbon proudly, the red like blood as it shines in the firelight. They all recognise the name, and their faces light with realisation. Levi's face is blank of course, but he's staring at the ribbon with narrower eyes than usual. I continue to pace, the motion helping as I walk through this weird part of my past that almost seemed like nothing more than a story to me now. I thought of it so little, it was weird going through the details.

"Me and Keza went back to the Orphanage. We got a couple knives, and returned the oh-so-gracious favour. No idea if we actually killed them or not, we just sliced and ran."

The fire dances as I walk around the circle of people, behind them so that no one has to try too hard to avoid my gaze. I take long strides, letting my legs swing about as I pace along, head hanging back now. I remember Erwin's assumption when I had spoken to him about Keza, and snigger.

"I failed to see it as much of an opportunity as Keza. For years we helped each other, lived together, fought together, and looked after each other. But when she turned seventeen she was a proper beauty. The kind of girls that walks down the street and _every_ man stops to stare. She went into prostitution. It was easy work for her, and she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant. It was a big advantage to her. But I couldn't do it. She asked me to come with her, to stick together through it all. But… I wanted to fight, not spend my life on my back… We said goodbye and I haven't seen her since. We parted with our ribbons though, so she's still my friend. She's just in a different world from me. I just hope she's still alive…"

"This is why you're scary, Kiddo." Hanji reappears from round the partition, a smile on her face. I welcome it from the otherwise solemn group, but give her a frown.

"Because I can't be a mother?"

"No, you bear things with so much composure some times, and rage out at other times." She plonks herself down by Armin and looks over his shoulder, "You're an unpredictable mess of a human-being."

I laugh and the group give small titters, trying to shift from their uncomfortable realisations about my past. I was a damaged little soldier. I internally groan, there wasn't really another way to explain it. They'd have just worried about it, or demanded further explanation. They're all gradually standing up, glancing at Levi and me.

"We're gonna do a perimeter check." Jean says with a wave, heading off, dragging Hanji along when she protests. They're voices die away into the outside darkness, and I make to turn to Levi but suddenly he's holding me from behind, head on my shoulder. I sigh and stroke his hair; surely he was more relieved than anything else?

"Levi?"

"I'm so sorry."

"Please stop, this is a good thing surely?"

"That some nut-job butchered you as a child? That could never be a good thing."

"Yeah but…" I give up. He turns me round and kisses me softly. His hands hold my face gently, and I wrap my arms round his neck, glad of the warm contact and finding him no longer trembling. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I didn't even think of it… Seems really stupid now."

"I hadn't either, equally stupid… I never even noticed the scar…" He looks to the side, a flash of guilt going over his face. He runs his hand across my stomach. "Why didn't I notice it?"

"Maybe because I'm covered in the damn things?" I laugh, the sound seems to soothe him. "I never wanted to be defined by what happened to me in the past, Levi. I don't want to be that scared little girl. I remember her, and I've learned from her. But I'm not her anymore. You understand that surely?"

"Of course I do, Brat." He puts our foreheads together and rests his hands on my hips. "I was worried for a second there… I thought maybe because—"

"You thought I might be already?"

"Well we'd hardly been careful. Idiots that we are."

"Call yourself the idiot, I knew nothing was gonna happen. You were the one flying blind." I kiss him quickly before ducking out of the way of his grab. "You had me worrying you wanted some brats of your own."

"I have enough brats around me every damn day, thanks." He smirks, shaking his head, probably a little confused about whether to feel relieved, or horrified. I hoped he decided on relieved. It was what I was going with in either case.

"True… so… are we good?"

"Yeah." He runs a finger along my ribbon and I blush. "Though… why did you never tell me how you knew Keza?"

"She's my friend, my memories. I kind of liked having her to myself. Damn that sounds stupid when I say it out loud, it made sense in my head."

"For once, Brat? No, not stupid."

"M'kay." I kiss him softly and he pulls me closer, his hands strong as I feel him warm me through with his tender touches. My past was laid bare, and somehow that didn't scare me. What the hell was this man doing to my resolves? I pull away and run a finger along his bottom lip. "Now then, can we sit down and have a nice evening watching little Toddy over there?"

"You sound like Hanji, that's just fucking weird…"

"Sorry."

* * *

The weeks roll by; we train, we work, we do missions and so far have only had a few injuries. Including a stubbed toe on my behalf. Much to Levi's amusement as I tried to sneak back into the bedroom after visiting the loo. Bloody hurt.

Eren is working on his control over his Titan form, and Hanji is working on her control over wanting to experiment on him. All in all everything is running like clockwork, so something is bound to be on the horizon. Some would say its paranoia, I'd say, it's being fucking realistic you moron. I go about my day with this in the back of my mind, always ready, but enjoying the peace of the present.

The hot water runs over me and I breathe in the soapy air. It had been a long day of training, but finally I was managing to keep proper pace with Mikasa on the gear. I have bruising from the straps but then again who didn't? I sigh, and turn up the temperature, it begins to loosen my muscles.

"Fancy some company?" I laugh as his deep voice rumbles through the air, and put my hand round the curtain, beckoning him with my forefinger. He slips inside and joins me beneath the hot water, staring down at me intently. "Good day?"

"Yeah, and it seems to be getting even better."

"Oh?" He pushes me against the cold tiling, and I squeal at the contrast. He laughs, licking along my throat and nibbling my ear. "You sure you don't need cheering up?"

"Well I do now. Some prick just came and ruined my shower."

I form a pout with my lips and he nips it with his teeth. I try to kiss him but he ducks down, kissing across my chest and down my stomach as he sinks to his knees. I hold my breath as he hooks my leg over his shoulder, and kisses along the inside of my thigh. My hand tangles in his wet hair, biting down on my lip as he licks between my legs. Straight away he hits the sweet spot, he always had pinpoint accuracy. It was maddening. I try to support myself against the other wall with my hand, my legs shuddering as waves of pleasure decimate my strength.

"Nngh… _Levi_ …" I whimper, and he moans as his tongue thirstily moves faster, his hands running all over my body as though forming me out of clay. I feel the pressure build, the heat forming in my gut as it always did. Why was he so good at this? My head fizzes at it draws closer.

The door opens beyond the curtain and we both freeze.

Shit, someone was coming in. We were a known couple, obviously, but this was pushing it a bit. But before I can even think of what we should do, Levi continues. I squirm and clamp my teeth over my bottom lip, moans and groans burning in my throat as I shiver with ecstasy. But I won't be able to stay quiet if he gets me all the way, I know this already. And the threat of whoever it was in the cubicle next to us overhearing, somehow makes the heat in my gut intensify.

Damn it body, you're on his side?

I tighten my hold on his hair as the moment edges closer and closer, preparing to unhook my fingertip grip on control. Suddenly he's upright, holding a hand over my mouth, as his other hand finishes his work. He grins as I shudder silently, glaring at him with hate, incomprehensible euphoria drowning me. It fizzes, it tingles, but my greedy self only wants more. My mouth falls open as my eyes close, my hand taking hold of his and commandingly pushing him deeper. I want more. He catches water in his mouth, gargles and spits before letting go of my mouth and kissing me deeply. I glare at him and his eyes momentarily widen in playful teasing as his kiss deepens.

I bite down on his tongue and he gasps, creating a whisper of space between us and allowing me to enact my revenge. I grab his engorged member and hold tightly, it's like fire in my hand and he looks at me with warning. Shaking his head, eyes flicking to the side. I smirk and begin to slowly move my hand up and down, his face contorts as shudders run through him. A grunt escapes.

That along with his gargling, surely they'd heard something?

"Levi?" Commander Erwin's voice thunders out in concern, we share a look panic before stifling laughter. "Is everything all right? You sound in pain."

"No I'm fine Erwin, just some muscle strain, thank you." He says through his teeth, face flushed as I quicken my pace. He braces himself against the wall. I hold back a chuckle, his breathing is smooth but I can tell he's having to focus like crazy. I lick at his ajar lips, grinning as he huffs a little.

"How are things with Cadet Sanshi?" I'm amazed at the Commander asking such a personal question, but I have to consider him and Levi have known each other for a long time. Levi meets my eyes, and I wonder what he would say if I wasn't here to hear it.

"Good… great." He sighs, putting his face under the water as his moment comes. He releases over my chest, and I kiss his chin.

"Y'see old friend, I told you, your fears were unfounded." As I'm stifling giggles, and reaching for the soap, I hear the Commanders words and look to see Levi blushing whilst lathering up.

"Thanks, Erwin. Should've known you'd be right." Levi replies, holding my chin gently and kissing me softly.

"Of course she's fucking insane, but I'm glad you've got some happiness."

The two men laugh together. Gossiping old buggers. I frown at Levi, he winks and I roll my eyes, lathering myself up and re-cleaning myself. Eventually the Commander leaves, reminding Levi not to fall asleep in there. The door closes, and I sigh.

"Well that was close."

"Thanks to you." Mutters Levi kissing my cheek as I stand gaping at him. The nerve.

"But it was you that… and you… Ugh!" I threw my hands up as he turned off the water, reaching out to grab his towel. He wraps it round his waist and hands me mine too.

"I thought you liked it when I kissed you there." He whispers into my ear, making me shudder. I turn and slap his chest.

"And I thought you liked it when I wanked you off." I chuckle as he scrunches his nose.

"You're not a poetic woman are you?"

"Pfft, fuck no." And I head down the corridor towards our room, it wasn't official, but considering the amount of time I spent in there now, it might as well have been. A young female cadet is shuffling past, blushing brightly before shooting me a jealous glare. I meet her gaze and wink devilishly. Leave the adults to their fun, sweetheart.

Once inside, I change into my civilian clothes and sit cross-legged on his desk, watching him change and crack open a bottle of wine. We clink our glasses and he locks the door. Our routine was simple; but it was the best thing I'd had in a long time. Simple was beautiful to me right now.

"So what were you scared of?" I ask and watch him frown into his wine glass as he draws from it deeply. Would he admit it to me? He looks at me and considers his answer. I just wait patiently.

"That I'd very quickly fuck this up."

"Well… that's adorable."

"Shut up, Brat." I hold up my hands as he tops up my glass. But there's a hint of a smile tugging at his lips as he does.

"So what're we doing—"

There's a crash from down the hall and we both roll our eyes, Hanji was presumably trying to carry too much equipment at once, again. But then there's another.

Was that a gun shot?

We share a careful look as footsteps hammer along the corridor. Levi turns and stands in front of me, I'm too confused to object. The door is kicked open to slam off the wall, and a bullet zips past our heads to strike the bookcase behind. All the while, the assailant is tackled to the floor and pinned by Erwin who quickly knocks the man out by stomping on his head.

"What the hell is happening?" Levi barks as Erwin jumps up to close and lock the door as best he can. He's panting but it doesn't take him long to turn and answer.

"Turns out the council had not taken Jack's death as lightly as we thought."

"That's not Military Police uniform." Levi retorts, as the assailant lies there in civvies and 3DMG on. No insignia in sight.

"Well it's them, strictly off the books. They suspect Robyn of being a Titan."

"What?" I ask, turning cold as I grip Levi's shoulders.

"Why the fuck do they think that?"

"Shit… Probably for the same reason you did, Levi." I answer him and jump to action, beginning to attach my gear straps over my civvies. He turns and watches me, eyes cold as he tries to think of what to do. Lastly I put on my cloak, knowing the hood would allow some camouflage. "Come to get me or kill me Commander?"

"Judging from this man's actions? Kill. Or at least seriously maim before taking you for study."

"Great. All around, or just from the front gates?"

"Not sure in all honesty."

"Would you two stop?" snaps Levi, strapping himself in meanwhile, "Just exactly what are going to do?"

"Well, either I run the fuck away, or we kill them all? Simple really." I watch the two men share a look of concern, and I just throw up my hands. "Well they just shot blindly at us, I don't think negotiations would get much further than a bullet between my eyes." I don't enjoy being so blunt with him, but Levi just tugs on his gear angrily.

"We'll head out the back, and hide in the training forest. They'll expect you to run across the plains, or for the nearest town. Staying close will not be what they expect." He looks through his drawers and passes me a small, but sharp, blade. I take it and tuck it into my straps, it'll be easier to manoeuvre it than my gear blades at close quarters.

"But staying together will be what they expect, Levi."

"Don't start that, Brat."

"I'm not starting anything, there's nothing to start."

He's about to go off on one, when I hold up a hand and just glare at him. This was no time to be an over-protective ass.

"Levi, listen. If they knew to come here, they know about us. You have a duty to the other Cadets, make sure none of those idiots get themselves killed for the likes of me." I give him a sharp shove when he tries to grab me, Erwin remains silent. I know he agrees with me. I head for the window and hold out my hand to Levi when he tries to follow. "Don't go turning into a sappy eyed puppy on me now, Captain."

He stops and groans, running a hand through his still damp hair.

"Be careful. Wait for us to come to you, no matter what you hear. Got that?"

"Yes, sir."

"Promise." he demands, I pause, but sigh and nod. If it kept him focused, then I'd agree.

"I promise. But no matter what you hear in the forest you stay the fuck out, at least till its light." He pauses now, and I narrow my eyes at him. "Levi, I need your word."

"You have it."

We share a look before I push the window open and zip out into the night. I can't look back or I'll lose my resolve. Hiding in the forest with Levi kept safe, is all I want to do, we could climb up into the canopy and just let the madness slip by under us. But I can't chance it. If they've already sussed this escape plan out, then I'd much rather it was just me left hanging in a tree dead.

I don't see any more men below me, but that doesn't mean they're not there.

I head straight for the woods without glancing back, gunfire echoes around I hear shouting. It's a mess of noise though, no voice recognisable amongst the buzzing castle. Thank goodness, or else I'd be tempted to turn round. Even now I want to; fear has them chasing me, pitchforks and scalpels ready to study what isn't even inside me.

I skid to a halt on the first branch in the line of trees. What if they take Eren? I clench my jaw and remember my promise, I'd wait for them to come to me. Eren could transform if he was being taken. The team would look after him. I trusted them.

I fire my wire and begin to fly further into the woods, but I hear another wire be set off just behind me. But I'm ready for a fight. The blade Levi gave me is still there and I hope it'll do, I didn't want to waste good Titan killing blades on these cretins. They were the scum that the government didn't want to admit existed, they did all the dark deeds that other's wouldn't.

The wire of my follower hits just off where mine did and I know I have to turn and take them on before we disappear into the trees too deeply. Otherwise it'd be a game of cat and mouse all night. But my claws were ready to deal with this pest now, not later.

I use a burst from my tanks and alter course to swing round a mighty branch and suddenly turn on them. My foot is primed for pinning them down but my plan is foiled. They were closer than I thought, and I'm sent slamming into the branch instead. I grab at it desperately, but instead I'm left dangling, dazed and confused as my attacker lands below and I hear a blade being drawn.

"Fucking monster."

But I quickly whip round and block the attack with Levi's blade and watch the beady eyes widen in shock. Once again Levi has saved my life, or delayed the inevitable.

"Little bitch, just die already."

I loose my gear, and land on the branch. Unable to run, but more than able to fight. I watch his blade glint, shifting as he shivers. Fear is the backer of this mission. They were all afraid of what they falsely believed I was. That was a clear advantage. And I know I need to play on it.

"If you really thought I was a Titan, you wouldn't be so eager to wound me. So just why the fuck are you after me?"

"I can handle you no matter what form you plan to be in. And if you were gonna change, you'd have done it by now."

Despite his ballsy words the shivers continue. I wonder if he's wet himself yet. I slowly raise my hand to my mouth, watching him sweat.

"You sure?" I growl, and he pauses.

Gotcha.

He talked brave, but that military police heart was just as corrupted and weak as the rest. I bare my teeth and make to sink them into my hand, eyes wide in forced rage. Although I doubt I manage to look as deranged as Eren, the boy had a gift for it.

"Wait!" He shouts, his outstretched hand giving a tell-tale shake before he grimaces and looks me up and down. "If you can change why have you never helped the Jeager boy?"

"I serve myself, sir. And the time has not been right yet, but if you don't put that blade away, I may just feel that change. I haven't properly flexed these muscles in a long time. Perhaps it's time for a stretch?"

"W-wait…" he looks around and from his look back at me, I can guess he's alone. Thankfully.

"Walk away and forget you saw me, if I see one of you disgusting cloak-and-dagger bastards come into these woods I will _not_ hesitate, and then I will change. And then we'll see how strong those blades are." My voice is hoarse with nerves, but my expression fools him into believing its conviction. "And trust me, the first Female Titan? Nothing compared to me."

"What are you?"

"Tired of this. What's it to be scumbag? Convenient amnesia? Or sudden death by the roaring jaws of my true form? Either is fine by me." I do my best growl, and it works. He staggers a little, and wobbles as he loses his footing, flailing manically. I grab his collar, throw him against the branch and hold the knife to his throat.

"I'll stay quiet, d-don't kill me!" I watch his eyes well up in tears, and feel the blade twitch against his skin.

After all we had faced as a species, still we thought it was alright to hunt each other down? My heart aches as I consider how the enemies are mounting up: the inane and drooling fools outside the walls, and their miniature counterparts within the walls. Those of us left were a rare species. But then again, did I even count anymore? The rage broils within me. The thirst for this man's blood rings in my ears, fuelled by my outrage at his actions. It only made me want it more, as it continued to scare me. But it just didn't make any sense. This man, no honour or care for whom he hurt was still living and yet so many good soldiers had perished? I mean he was sniveling now, face gleaming with sweat and tears as he mumbled away. But beforehand he had been nothing more than a cold killer. A monster, he called me, so what did that make him? Why was he still breathing when Isa, Neran, Kila and Jaren, had all died in the muck? The world hadn't been fair to them, it hadn't shown them mercy; so why should I show him any?

"Like you said, I'm a fucking monster." And I unleash his life in a beautiful ruby ribbon. He gargles, and clutches at his wound, my face, my hands, anything to cling to his pathetic life. "Little bitch. Just die already."

I drop his body and climb up to unhook my gear and put it back on. My hands are shaking now, but I just focus on getting everything fixed back into place. The chaos outside the woods seems to have died down.

The silence scares me more than the gunfire did.

I climb up into the canopy; no one would be able to spot me but I might be able to see what was going on at base. Then again, did I want to? I pause as I reach for the next branch. If I saw it on fire, and heard screams I'd surely lose grip on my resolve and run back into the fray? But if I saw no light would that be worse?

I quiver and drop back onto my branch, tears brimming my eyes as confusion clouds my mind. What the fuck had happened to us? I sag to my knees and hold my head, wanting to scream at the world. I want to tear it all down, crumble it to dust and sift till I found something worth salvaging. I hold a handful of people, my comrades who each would risk everything for the other. There's so few of them among the piles of meaningless ash. I give into my sobs, they rend from me painfully. So few good people left, and yet I was having to sit here and simply hope they made it to another day.

"What a fucking mess." I hiss, leaning my head against the branch and slamming my fist into it. Hoping the pain will distract me from the fear that begins to pull me beneath the dark waves. I think back to that beautiful blue light, perhaps if I had given into it? Then this wouldn't be happening to them, my friends, my loved ones. But then a bitter laugh splits my mouth open, and I know if it wasn't this, it'd just be something else.

This world was cruel.

* * *

 **Good old brutal Robyn... I hope no one was thinking she'd gone soft!**

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 **See you next time.**


	16. Belly of the Beast

**Well here we go again, ACTION!**

 **Hope you enjoy! Be warned, this is leading to a very... intense... story arc :P all the messy feels.**

 **Anyway, hope you enjoy! Once again, leave a favourite, follow or review. All are appreciated and make my day every single time!**

 **P.S I have begun making artwork for this fic, which I keep forgetting to mention in these later chapters for those that have been reading since the beginning. Frantastic1993 is my Deviant Art id, so if you're interested, have a gander. I'm NEARLY caught up with the chapter :P nearly!**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

This world was cruel.

A feral roar rips through the air and I feel myself hollow. That wasn't the roar of Eren. It was coarse, and more animal-like. Another Titan in the regiment? Or was it someone that came with the team of coverts? I shake my head at the irony, and head off for the castle. This wasn't part of the deal. If there was a Titan involved I had to help.

It doesn't take long to have the compound in view, but I find myself frozen to the last branch of the forest, eyes glued to the terrible sight. Stood in the mud, the soft rainfall gleaming off its taught skin that tears in places, great white orbs are its eyes and a battalion of great swords are its teeth as it roars into the sky. The building remains intact but the beast continues to bellow away, suddenly bending down to begin clawing down into the dirt as its rage incandesces.

Where was it going?

Why was it digging?

It was only old tunnels down there, and the occasional storage room. Nothing of value or consequence. Yet on it goes, as though searching out something precious.

I gag.

I never had learned where they kept the crystallised form of Annie. Surely they hadn't kept her here? I hear screams as the beast breaks through, and reveals a small chamber. It bears down, and roars straight into the tiny room. Anyone inside would be deafened, or knocked out. It then returns to its great height, blue crystal in one hand, and something that makes me gag once again. The dangling form of an unconscious Eren. The beast gives a sickening lick of its lips, before opening its jaws and dropping him in. I feel it punch straight through my heart.

Suddenly I'm flying.

I didn't consciously decide this, but I know what I have to do. I look down and watch bedraggled figures climb out the hole, all weak and clearly unable to do anything but watch. I see four or five of them I think; presumably Levi, Mikasa, Armin, Jean and Connie?

As the beast comes into my wire range, I hear a desperate howl from below. Somene begging me to stop. Remember my promise. I clench my teeth and try to ignore the fact it's Levi. He's pleading, but I can't look down, I can't see him like that. I had a duty to do, and he'd understand that. He had to.

My wire hits the beast's temple, it yelps loudly, and I spin to slice at its cheek. It gives an annoyed shriek, its mouth gaping open. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I twist and dive headlong down its throat, swirling and slicing the whole way down, enjoying the deafening cacophony of cries from the newest nightmare to enter our lives.

Use this mess of a night to make your move?

See how that works out my friend, just you wait and see.

I can't see a damn thing, but soon I splash into something hot and rancid smelling. It reaches my chest but I don't bother to even consider what I'm standing in, I just scramble around in the pitch darkness. I feel like I'm suffocating in the heat, but I keep going, hands clawing through the goo until I finally grab onto a thin wrist.

"Eren?!" I scream, pulling on his slack shoulders, shaking frantically. I bellow his name again and again, till it rings in my ears. I slap at his face, and back. Be alive, be okay

Please let me save you

"Rbn?" I hear the mumble and laugh as I hold him close, his short brown hair plastered to his face as I trace it carefully, I feel a weak smile and squeeze his shoulder. He was alive. He would be okay.

Suddenly our surroundings jolt and shift, the beast was moving, presumably trying to make a run for it. I slap Eren's back as he splutters, the goo nearly having drowned him. The heat of it all is making me nauseated, and I tug my cloak hood over and tuck it round my face. A plan is forming in my mind.

"I need you to work with me here, Eren. I'll turn round and you have to hold onto my back, I'm getting you out of here." I feel him wind his arms round my torso, to hook his hands over my shoulders and give a squeeze. I suppose he can do little else. But then he tenses.

"I can… change…"

"No Eren, don't, then I won't be able to help you. Just trust me, I _will_ save you."

And with that I start to hack and slice, using my blade like a battering ram, steam blasts me in the face but I just tug my hood across. It didn't matter how much it burned, this could be my last hurray, but I wouldn't let Eren fall now. He still wanted to do so much for humanity, despite how little they deserved it.

The world shudders and shakes, and I think our vehicle is attempting to run away from this. Fuck you, and your retreat. I feel the rage burn in me as I slice onwards, yells escaping me as Eren clings to me, his grip frail. Just hold on Eren, trust me to save you. Trust me like I trust you.

Finally the steam is combined with the cold of the outside world, and we're almost there. The world jolts to a stop, and I feel myself fall, having broken through the last bit of flesh. The slime falls away from my eyes just in time to let me see the ground that rushes up to meet me.

Ow.

The icy ground is a welcome reprieve from the lava, but I know we aren't out of this yet. Eren lies on top of me, groaning as he tries to bring himself into the waking world. I jump up, and stand over him, blades drawn and still dripping with the slime as it steams off. The beast's white eyes seem to glow with hatred, and I smirk.

"Come on then, fucking do it, just fucking try!"

But before it can bring its clawed fist down, there's a few flashes of silver as the team comes in. I fall down and shield Eren with my body. I can hear his heartbeat and it comforts me. Thump, thump, thump. Like the ticking of a great clock. Another primeval bellow ignites the air, an oddly loud crunching noise sounds far to my right, and suddenly the ground is erupting into thunder as the coward runs onto the plains.

As quiet gradually takes over once more, and I let myself give into the fear. I lunge away from Eren as I retch, and throw up, my body shuddering as I spit out the last of the bitter taste. I turn to the unconscious Eren; his body bruised, and burned from the steaming escape. But he was breathing, and he was alive. When finally my nerves are satisfied that I've reacted badly enough, I flop to the side, and listen as footsteps charge over to us. There are various yells, and protestations but I just give a wave, and stare up at the clouds.

Another day in heaven.

Suddenly there's a hand grabbing my hair, and wrenching me upright. I look up into the steel eyes, and glare back. He looks wild as he bares his teeth. I fight against his hold but he just slaps me across the face. I look to the ground, and dig my hands into the soft earth, fighting the urge to return the strike tenfold. But I lose in this, and kick him away angrily. I wasn't about to put up with that shit, didn't matter how much I loved him, or that he was my Captain. Everyone stands, and stares as he gradually straightens up, and comes to loom over me again.

"You fucking promised!"

"Get a grip!" I shove him back and stand up, huffing as we square up to each other. He looks like he wants to kill me himself. "You know things changed when that fucking Titan turned up."

"How am I meant to trust you, brat?!"

"I guess you can't." I hiss between my teeth, my lips fizzing as a trickle of blood runs along them. "Are you seriously expecting me to believe that had that Titan ran into the forest you wouldn't have been right behind it?"

"Yes I expect that, dammit."

"Then I'm calling bullshit." I shove the blade he gave me back into his hand and he takes note of the blood on it, his grey eyes flashing back to mine. "Thanks for the blade, saved my life."

A groan comes from Eren, and I push past the brick wall to go to his side. I can feel everyone's eyes watching me as I push the hair from his pasty face. I'm just amazed he didn't drown in that infernal thing's gut.

"R-Rob—" He cringes as his eyes flash a brighter green. I shush him, and stroke his face gently. He was fighting the need to change so hard the entire time. He had trusted me so completely. Nice to know someone in the world would still manage to do that.

"Just rest Eren, its gone for now."

Distant shouts rise up from the compound. I can only imagine the scene that awaits us on our return. Were the secret forces gone? How many recruits had managed to survive the ambush? He shudders, and I just hold onto his wrists.

"C'mon Eren, trust me, you can do that can't you?"

"Yes… I'm sorry."

"It's fine, just take deep breaths." I glance around, and notice the distance the others are standing at, looking at me in amazement. "What?"

"Stand back Robyn, now." Snaps Levi coldly. I feel my back rise, and I look to him icily.

"No. He needs help."

"He could turn at any second, get back."

"Thank you for pointing out the obvious, now shut up and let me help him through this."

"Stand back Cadet Sanshi, _now_." He orders, and I can feel his glare watching me. I turn and give a forced salute. Before turning back to Eren, and holding onto his hand, squeezing. "That was an order."

"I'm aware, but it's one I'm electing to ignore. _Sir._ "

"Don't you think for one second this is okay because—"

"It doesn't matter than I've fucked you Levi, I'm not expecting to get away with this because I love you. If you were Erwin or the King himself, right now I'd be ignoring all of you. So court-marshall me, beat the shit out of me for disobeying, but don't think I'll be taking that order. This man needs help, he's a Titan shifter yes, he can take a ridiculous amount of punishment, correct. But that doesn't mean he should have to."

My eyes are locked onto Eren's as he watches me with a twinge of guilt, but I just smile at him once the angry words have spilled out of me. Levi had to know that despite the fact I love him dearly, and would gladly swap my life for his in an instant, he wasn't the only one I cared for. He did know that. I knew he did. But I guessed he also knew I wasn't easily tamed, and I was hoping he had enough hold over my heart to manage it easier. Unfortunately for him that was not the case.

Slowly Eren's face relaxes, and his eyes dull down to their usual, sweet shine and I breathe out.

I signal the others to come over, Mikasa is first of course, and helps me get the man on his feet. We share a look of comradery as we begin to hobble back towards base, and I feel my stomach clench as I consider what it waiting for us. Jean, Connie and Armin are dragging the crystallised body of Annie along.

"What happened back at base Mikasa?" The rest of the group is walking with us, but I only refer to her as she is the only one helping me right now.

"A couple rookies got the shit kicked out of them before we'd got to them, and I think that was when some of the men headed for the forest. Levi caught most of them, and dealt with them before they got beyond the treeline." She explains, hitching Eren a little more on her shoulder. I glance over to my Captain who is staring ahead with his unreadable mask in place.

"Any fatalities?"

"On our part? A couple but…" She looks down, and blushes a little. "They only got that way because they'd betrayed us, they just spilled out any information they knew. Where you were, where Annie was, anything that was asked they just threw it out there. Anything to save their own lives. So…" She glances over at Levi, and the blush disappears as her face pales.

"So?" I encourage.

"Captain Levi, and Commander Erwin took them out. They couldn't be sure how much more information they might know or reveal. They warned them to stop, but the recruits just kept shouting stuff out, begging for mercy from the ambushers. Traitors."

I give a nod but look to the floor, silently sending out my apologies to these kids who were frightened beyond belief. This was not what they had been training for. I glance over, but Levi is still staring straight ahead. Ignoring me? Or trying to compose himself? I'm not sure, but my cheek aches from his fury.

There is mess everywhere when we get back to the compound, the pit opened by the beast like a wound in our home.

"Was it one of ours that Titaned, or theirs? A double attack."

"We don't know obviously." Levi snaps angrily but his face remains stoic. I give a dip of my head and stay quiet. I loved him and respected him, I knew I'd have to apologise for my earlier outburst. But for now the silence would have to do, my pride was still bruised from his scolding of me. He turns to the group, and hands out the orders.

"You lot take that fucking bitch to the stables, she'll have to be guarded there till we can sort out the subterranean levels. What a damned mess."

"We'll take Eren to Hanji, sir." I say, waiting for confirmation. He gives it with a curt nod, still not looking my way. Me and Mikasa help Eren along to Hanji's quarters, unsure if she'll be there or not. I wasn't entirely sure why she hadn't been with the rest of them. Again my stomach clenches. "Um Mikasa? Where is Hanji?"

"Probably running around handing out her healing serum to anyone that needs it. I'd have thought you'd have more burns than that considering the Titan steam."

"I used my cloak, so it's minimal thankfully. Let's put him on her bed over there, I'm sure she won't mind. Easy Eren, just lie down and try to rest." I stroke his cheek, "Thank you for trusting me to save you."

"Always…" he breathes before sleep clears his expression to calm. I look to Mikasa who is sitting on Hanji's desk, watching the man in the bed, her eyes unreadable as ever. I sit with her in the calm quiet for a few minutes; when we finally hear the chattering of Hanji approach her door I squeeze Mikasa's hand, and she attempts a smile. Hanji marches in, and begins to work without so much as a pause. She bids us hello, and farewell, as she ushers us out the room, muttering about how much she had to do. We stand outside her door and hear shuffling and papers being drawn up. It sounded like she was going to let him rest for now at least.

"They're going to speed up his training now." Mikasa's voice is nervous, and I put my arm round her instinctively. "He can only take so much."

"He's tougher than you give him credit for."

I kiss her forehead and she clings to me. I kind of want to get her off me so she doesn't get covered in Titan belly goo, but she begins to sob, and I can't help but hold her closer. The battleship that was Mikasa never showed this much weakness. I felt honoured and terrified all at once.

"Everything will work out, come on, let's get you cleaned up. In fact we should both get cleaned up. We're fucking filthy… ew…"

We clean ourselves up, and change into fresh uniform. I want to fall into bed, and let the sweet escape of a dreamless sleep take me. But there was work to be done. I groan and leave my room, trying to shift the drowsiness from my mind.

I head down to mess hall first, to help Armin as he goes around, taking names and ensuring everyone has had a certain amount of help or aid. He looks strained but his voice is its usual kind self, warm and tender as he moves through the room. I wondered what it would take to break him, and at the same time, I hope I never know. He leaves slightly less frightened faces in his wake, all calmed by his sincere self.

I take the bandages from him, and begin to tend to the rookies. They look at me in awe as I soothe them, and remind them that it was over, that they had made it and done the regiment proud. I was in their class, and yet I felt responsible for them. Like they were my children or something. I wondered if this was how the Commander felt when looking over the young faces, or even if Levi felt something similar. I internally groan as I remember how I'd spoken to him, and spurned his panic. That would not be a fun confrontation.

Finally everyone is accounted for, bodies included, and Amrin sits down heavily on the foot of the stairs. I sit next to him and rub his back, he folds away the file and sighs deeply. We only lost five soldiers. It was a damned miracle when all was said and done. But that seemed to indicate that the new Titan shifter was from the ambushers. Which in itself made the whole thing ridiculous. Why come to be rid of a shifter, if you have one?

Unless they didn't know they had a Titan with them.

We share a tired groan.

If for one day, the world could be laid out in a simple plan of easily answered questions we'd be happy. I look to the darkened ceiling high above, that day would likely never come. Still, it was a nice dream to hold onto for now. But there was work still to be done, long before any dreams would be found.

With the mess hall handled, and Armin left in charge, I head along to the stables where chains are being fixed into place. No sign of the Commander or Levi, but Jean and Connie are discussing in the corner. I head over and wave, they return it and then turn, eyes flickering to the crystal and then to me.

"Thanks to you we still have the bitch." Jean says with a curt nod.

"Um… your welcome? I think…" I give a nervous laugh, turning to the crystal and slowly walking over. I'd only ever heard stories about it, and her, but now that I saw it? I kind of wished it was still just an abstract concept.

It seems to radiate cold. I reach out, and touch the shining exoskeleton and shiver. And then I see her face. There she was, the Female Titan. Annie. Like a sleeping child she lies there, upright, serene and oddly beautiful as she is held in a moment of time.

Murderer.

I grit my teeth, I was well aware that we didn't know her reasons, and I'm sure she had them, but so many lives had been lost. I look over the crystal and wonder why it isn't red, so much blood had been spilled by her hands, the angelic clarity of the blue stone seemed wrong. Seemed unfair. I back away and finally tear my eyes away, Connie and Jean are watching me.

"Spooky isn't it?" Jean speaks out the side of his mouth, his strong jaw taught. I nod and enjoy watching the chains loop around the crystal, securing her in place once more.

"You two need any help with first watch?" They shake their heads, small smiles in place. "M'kay, I'll see how the clean-up is going."

"The Commander and Captain are down there by the way." Connie blushes as he scratches the back of his head. I give him a grateful nod, but head off nonetheless. I had to face Levi at some point, and the Commander would provide a nicely broad human shield. Plus there would be rubble to use as weaponry, should Levi be feeling violently inclined again.

I snort, like he ever wasn't.

The tunnels weren't somewhere I had explored on the base. Underground unnerved me when in such close quarters. The Underground city sounded amazing, but the tunnels leading there made me feel sick to my stomach.

Small holes in the ground were the beds of the dead.

I wasn't ready to sleep just yet.

I hear the voices of the two men rumble along the corridor, and my curiosity takes over. My footsteps are light as I approach, straining to hear them.

"Yes I _understand_ that, but really Levi… How much do you ever trust anyone?"

"I fucking don't. But I trust her…"

"Thought you said you couldn't?"

"Her word. I can't trust that, clearly… but I trust that she'll always do what she thinks is right. That's something I guess. Fucking, brat."

I hear them grunt as they shift rubble, and bite down on my lip. It was half good news and half bad. Could've been worse. The low rumble of the Commander's laugh pours from the room. Laughing at Levi? Brave move.

"She's young, but she's no brat."

"If you say so…"

"I've never seen such an old soul. Well… maybe except you my friend. She's insane, but something tells me that's what's saved her thus far."

"And driven everyone else to distraction." Levi sounds bitter as more rubble is moved.

"She actually jumped in the things mouth?"

"Without even a flinch. Thought I'd snapped into one of my nightmares. But it was real, down she went, like a shot of liquor. Fucking maniac."

"And then she cut her way out? That was what Cadet Ackerman was saying. She looked impressed, I don't think I've ever seen that girl other than mildly surprised. But she was actually impressed."

"Mikasa Ackerman only feels rage or neutrality. That's the one that worries me. The way she looks after Jeager… it's just fucking creepy. And then she refuses to acknowledge the fact she cares for him."

"I find it quite endearing actually."

"Tch. You call Robyn crazy? Try applying that to the real nutter. But yeah… Robyn cut her way out, then tried to square off at the beast herself. I could've killed her myself for being so fucking stupid. Ah… fuck… damn this mess."

I walk round the corner, and hold out a bandage I had left over from helping Armin. The two men exchange a look, and I just smile overtly sweetly. I'm not saying how much I overheard, and they could hardly object to an eavesdropper. They constantly dropped eaves. This was just a taste of their own medicine.

"Needing some help in here sirs?" I ask in order to break the sudden silence.

Levi wraps the bandage round his hand, staring at the dust as he fights against wincing.

"Everywhere else seems well tended to. Though do you know where Mikasa went?"

"I sent her to help Hanji." Explains the Commander and I give a suspicious smile, he looks to the rubble with a meek grin.

"How kind of you, sir. Now then, any plan on what we're doing here?"

"Moving the rubble, obviously." Levi snaps, but I elect to ignore his pouting, and look to the neutral(ish) Commander.

"I could start collecting the bricks still intact? They can be used to help rebuild this place?"

"Go right ahead Sanshi, it's a plan."

And I shrug off my coat to begin working. They both stand with their shirts unbuttoned, with sleeves tugged up, both covered in filth as they sweat from their toiling. I get to work, feeling my muscles burn within the hour, but this wasn't going to be mended by itself. I look around, and frown as we all take a small breather, panting like dogs.

"How is it you lot weren't crushed in the cave-in? I mean thankfully you weren't but… this place is completely concaved."

"We didn't get here quick enough." Levi growls, brushing his brow.

"Thankfully." I note, but he just shrugs. I look to the Commander, and we share an eye roll. The man was sulking like a toddler. "So what's the plan from here Commander? After the clean-up I mean?"

"We'll be focusing on Jeager's control over his Titan form."

"Right…"

"He won't be happy about it, and frankly I don't like pushing the boy to it. But this has just shown what really we already knew, there are far more shifters than we originally thought."

"Eren will be eager to learn, but apprehensive about putting people at risk." I nod with him, looking at the mess of rubble and wondering at the fact Eren hadn't been crushed instantly. Or changed right there and then. I yawn and rub my eyes; the mess would be double had Eren managed to change. I was still amazed he hadn't.

"We'll take every precaution. The brat will be fine." Levi mutters. I give a huff, losing patience with this tantrum, and throw a small stone at Levi, smacking him in the leg. A snarl warps his lips. "Cadet mind yourself."

"I will if you will."

"Excuse me?"

"Eren Jeager is possibly one of the bravest Cadets I've ever had the honour to meet, sir. And frankly your attitude towards him seems only to be of contempt. Which is wholly unfair to his struggle."

"Struggle?" the smirk is cold.

I grimace and carry on with my work, shaking my head as I try and rein in my temper. I understood that he was angry at me, infuriated even, but that didn't mean he had to belittle Eren. Especially when he wasn't here to defend himself. I hear him chuckle before repeating himself, more contempt somehow shoe-horned into place.

"Struggle?"

"Levi…" The Commander begins but Levi just shoots him a look.

"No, I'd like this so-called _struggle_ explained. Or even why the brat didn't change when he should have, saving Cadet Sanshi, here, the need to go diving into the belly of the beast herself?"

Now we're getting to it.

I turn to him fully, head tilted and brow raised.

"Can I ask a question, sir?"

"Can I stop you?" He quips and I flinch a little, chucking my brick into the growing pile. I note his downcast eyes as he catches his breath. He isn't proud of how he's acting, but he'll keep it up if he can.

"Are you speaking as my captain? Or as the man I love? Apologies for the lack of formality, Commander." I add with an apologetic look, he accepts it with grace, returning to his work, but not till he's shot Levi a warning look. But I rather fear it's ignored. "Captain Levi, did you hear my question?"

"I heard it," He breathes, inured hand flexing a little. "I can't, however, answer it."

"Very well. Then I'll speak freely if you can't make up your damned mind."

"Here we go..."

"Is that really what this is sulking is about? The fact that Eren didn't change, and save me the danger of saving him?"

Levi looks up with a blankly Levi look, and I wait, a brow still raised in challenge. His temper is flaring, I can see it plainly for the time being. I couldn't deny the thrill I felt, when I knew the loosening of his control when dealing with me. It was terrifying at times, but as I said, it was a thrill I felt, not a warm cosy feeling of safety. It was like poking a wild animal with a stick. Maybe I was mad.

"Well, Captain?"

"Why didn't he change?" He demands and I throw my arms up in disbelief. Holy shit. The ridiculousness would not quit piling up. It was not everyone else's job to protect me. This was almost misogynistic.

"He was knocked unconscious, Levi!"

He is about to argue when I charge over to him, an accusing finger jabbing at him furiously. The Commander continues to work, occasionally looking over in his nosiness.

"Just as _all_ of you looked like you almost were."

"Yes but—"

" _Then_ he was dropped a good 60 if not 100 feet into the scalding hot belly of a Titan. When I got to him I pulled him up and out of the goo, he almost fucking drowned. But as soon as he came to a little, he said he would change. He was going to do it."

"So why—"

"I made him stop." I snap, finding it to be my turn to look away. The silence is heavy and eventually I look his way, seeing the rage flaring in his eyes. I'd had a way out and yet had denied it. I can see it going through his head.

"You did what?"

"If he had changed we wouldn't have been able to help, there was no way to use the gear to help him if he got into a fight. As well as the fact I'd probably have been crushed? I'm tough but I'm still squishable! Look… I knew I could handle it, so I asked him to trust me. And he did."

I turn to go back to my work but he's holding onto my wrist, his breathing quick as his grip tightens. I gasp as it begins to hurt, but he doesn't let up. I resist the urge to swing round, and clap him one on the side of the head. I don't fully understand this episode he's having, but then again, I guess there was a lot I still didn't understand about Levi.

"I'm sorry Levi, but I won't be begging for your forgiveness for what I did. I made the choice to jump from those trees and I'm glad."

"You promised."

"I know. I heard you shouting up to me, but I knew what I had to do." I stop trying to pull away, and instead cup his jaw tenderly. I have no idea if he'll just shrug me off or not. But it's clear to see the fury is fuelled by concern. I guess he did feel fear. I just hated that it was for me. "Life has never been kind to any of us, we all have good instincts, or at least strong instincts. And I'm afraid I've relied on them for too long, to start denying them now."

He sighs heavily, and his eyes close as his face relaxes. It was better than a shrug off. A smile etches itself over my face as he slowly he turns, and kisses my palm. How did this idiot do that? Be such an obnoxious child one second, and then a tender man the next. He was fucking impossible to keep up with.

"Your instincts are good… brilliant in fact. But you're still a crazy brat."

He looks at me and gives a slight smirk, I return it and playfully slap his cheek. His eyes narrow and he clicks his tongue. It's all water under the bridge for now, I guess. I can feel Erwin watching us, and can only imagine the confusion in his face. Poor man. I gently peck my Captain on the lips, before heading back over to my work. The silence is no longer heavy, instead it is simply calm. With a side-note of delirious confusion.

We work into the night and soon dawn signals our over-exuberance. My arms scream at me as the golden light breaks up the velvet blue. Exhaustion didn't quite cover this. I straighten up and sigh as my spine crackles loudly. Both men laugh and do the same, their bones snapping and popping.

"Well, we're a healthy bunch." I chuckle, stumbling towards the door, I glance over at them as they grab for their jackets. "Coffee for you both?"

"Mm, cheers Cadet. We'll be along momentarily." The Commander rumbles as he does up his shirt. I give a wave and jog noisily along the corridor, giving a clear signal that they were in fact left alone to talk, if that was what they had wanted.

Most of the others have gone to bed, the mess hall only holding a couple sleepy looking faces. I pour out the three coffees and leave them on a table, whilst I run a couple mugs along to Jean and Connie, if they're still on watch, or to whomever had taken over. The quiet in HQ was both calming, and eerie. So much noise, and chaos was always followed by this kind of silence, but usually this was accompanied by a surrounding mourning. Instead we had a golden sunrise. I smile. We had a new enemy, but finally we had a peaceful reprieve.

I bite my tongue; don't jinx it you prat.

The stable is warm when I enter. Jean is asleep on the stool, a bit of drool on his chin as Connie leans against the wall, still watching, though obviously exhausted beyond reason. Soft snoring comes from the irritable blonde but we don't wake him. I hand Connie his cup, and he places Jean's beneath the stool, should the man wake any time soon.

"I'll look for someone to take over?" I whisper as I head for the door.

"Armin's gonna take over once he's had his forty-winks. Looks like you've been clearing the rubble all night? Made much progress?"

"Progress is progress."

"Is that clearing the rubble, or trouble in paradise?" he wiggles his eyebrows and I shake my head at him.

"On both counts, actually. Ya smart-ass. It was tough, but we've got a slight bit of order in there now. See you later Connie, good work, by the way, jackass."

I head back and sit next to Levi, with the Commander across from us. We sip our coffee in sweet silence, it'll do nothing to keep us awake, but the warmth was soothing. I glance around at the other empty tables. The other, clean, empty tables. There was no trace at all of the fact this had been where me and Armin had been tending to the bleeding. Not a spot was to be found. Had I not known Levi had been moving rubble all night, I'd have thought it was his handiwork.

Suddenly I feel a nudge against my shoulder, and my head jolts upright from resting against my arm. Erwin has already left and there's no one else left in the mess hall. He gets up and tugs me with him. We trudge along, kind of using each other for support as we yawn and grumble aimlessly. Time to get cleaned up again, and catch some sleep.

I climb into my shower, and sigh as the hot water beats onto my aching muscles. The curtain draws back, and Levi walks in, not saying a word as he winds his arms round me, resting his head on my shoulder. I think on both counts, all is forgiven, and I just focus on his strong arms holding me. I hated this sense of dependency, it was not in my nature. But it felt good. We wash each other gently, exchanging sweet kisses and caresses as the night is washed away. Still no words are exchanged, none are needed really.

When done, he takes my hand and we tuck our towels round us before he leads me down to his room, locks the door and climbs into bed next to me. I lay my head on his chest and we're asleep in moments. Really this was how the night should have played out initially. Then again, that wasn't how our life was meant to play out. Was it?

* * *

 **New Titan, plot thickens, oh lordy!**

 **I have to admit, I'm really excited to show you guys where this all leads to, but it... as usual... takes some time :P but it all starts there! Anyway, thanks for reading, see you next time!**


	17. Progress

**My impatience = quicker update for you guys!**

 **I also hit over 3000 views so I was super excited by that. ANYWAY! Here we go again :) hope you enjoy, as always, lovely readers, please review, favourite and or follow, it really helps/keeps me going, and i LOVE to hear what you guys think. Positive and Negative welcome as always.**

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* * *

The prospect of training was daunting to Eren. It took its toll physically, mentally and emotionally. But I knew his main concern was the fact he would be transforming in such close proximity to us breakable people. But he knows he has to do it. Frankly the prospect of training this way was daunting to all of us. We would be pushing Eren harder than ever before; as well as having to deal with the mania of Hanji. With so much access to Eren in his Titan form, I wasn't sure how well we'd be able to hold her back.

As the day of training dawns, Eren insists on continuing to use the well. Hanji pouts, and moans and almost does a full on tantrum. Again and again she exclaims how that will restrict her studies, or impede his progress. In all honesty it's the only viable option as far as I can tell. By using the well, we would be able to build up his responsiveness, and determine his control with voice commands. It seems like a good place to start to me, but Hanji continues to chomp at the bit. Her very own Titan to train and control. I look to the heavens, she was obsessed.

Everyone else is training as normal; hand to hand or 3DGM, but the Levi squad only has Eren to deal with. Eren's anxious about the fact that he didn't always manage to change without the heat of the moment. We all encourage him, and show our support. It was important that he knew he had the team behind him, so we all do our part.

Well, almost all.

Despite my best efforts, Levi remains annoyed and distant. Grumbling at me to stay well out of range at all times. We had patched things over well enough, but his paranoia remained. It was nice that he cared; but it was getting gradually more irritating the more he tried to hold me back. I was his… girlfriend? I shudder, that sounded awful. Partner made it sound even weirder, and I wasn't his wife, again I shudder. His lover? Now I just feel queasy. His woman? I giggle a little, I now sound like a damned pet. I was his. That'd do. Anyway; back to my original train of thought. I was his, but before that I was a soldier. I had my duty to do, and right now, that meant helping Eren, and in order to do that I had to be a bit closer than a mile away.

As another day dawns, after the first four of unsuccessful lacking transformation. Nearly a whole week of disappointment; both for Eren and Erwin. I try to keep Eren's spirits up, assuring him it'll come with time, but I can do nothing for the Commander. That's Levi's area. I really don't understand Erwin yet, so can't hope to help him. Though the thought of Levi giving a pep-talk was quite amusing.

We all head out to the well as usual. Eren looks uneasy as he descends, all the past failures pressing down on him as he enters the pit. Mikasa is standing tall, but I see her hands shake by her side. It's a little confusing for her; she hates to see him so dejected, but she also hates to watch him lose control with his Titan form. Not to mention the toll it takes on him. I go over to her, without a word, and put an arm round her, gently squeezing. The machine that was Mikasa needed a little help, now and then, and I was all too glad to volunteer. She had saved so many lives with her brilliance, and yet still people thought of her as Eren's creepy shadow. Poor gal. Although I won't deny her connection to Eren is a little creepy, I'm not that mad.

"He'll be okay."

"Mm."

It's all she can muster, but I see her glance my way and make a tiny attempt at a smile. I give another squeeze before letting go. There are mutterings, and groans from down the well, gradually getting angrier with each passing moment.

Another failure.

Me and Mikasa jog over, despite the protests of the Commander, but we can see nothing's happening once again. He's mainly warning us to stay back, in order to calm his own nerves of another failure being set out in front of him. Really I think he'd like for us to suddenly be thrown backwards by a rush of steam. Then he'd have a Titan to control. We'd be burnt to a crisp, but he'd have his new toy. It was times like these, that I really understood people's nervousness around Erwin. Determination was a dangerous thing, but with him, that seemed to apply tenfold.

As the lip of the well approaches, we look down carefully and call down. The green eyes flash up to us and we cringe away from the sight of his bloodied hand. He always went nuts when it didn't work, damn idiot had gnawed his hand to pieces. Again. Then again I couldn't make much comment on mauling ones hand. My own scar, still very much in view.

"Eren just breathe." Mikasa calls, her scarf dangling down. He draws a deep breath, but just grunts in annoyance and grabs at his head, shaking it back and forth as he tries to wrestle the beast out of its slumber. We sit back and wait, he gradually climbs back up to the top and sits on the edge with a deep blush and gritted teeth.

"It's not damned use… I can't do it. I'm fucking useless."

I quickly shoot Levi a look. He closes his mouth slowly.

We take a break, cleaning up Eren's hand, and dishing out water as the sun continues to beat down. He looks over to the rookies training in the compound and sighs. Mikasa pushes his hair back, and lays her hand on his shoulder.

"I know it's frustrating Eren, but you can't expect it to work first time round."

"But it isn't first time round Mikasa." He snaps, shrugging her hand away roughly. I hold my tongue, but think my expression is blatant in my disapproval. He sees it and groans tiredly, tugging on Mikasa's scarf with a meek look. "I'm sorry, I just feel so god damned useless. I'm the Titan shifter who can't fucking shift. Great job for humanity's 'last hope'."

"Hey," I nudge his arm, "Enough with the potty mouth? I'm the swearbox here."

"Sorry… I'm the Titan shifter who can't gosh darn shift."

"Sarcastic prick." I laugh, shaking my head. "Though don't go selling us short. We're not useless y'know. Plus you're a damn good soldier even without your ability. Keep that in mind whilst you wallow?" We share a smile but his eyes shift to behind me.

I turn to see Erwin, Levi and Hanji stood talking; heads bent together a little as their minds try to manoeuvre to the next plan. I really feel like they should do that in someone's office, it was hardly helping the situation. Though thankfully Hanji just keeps mentioning 'patience'; it probably more that she doesn't want the two men to give up before she has her fun, but I'm grateful for her buying Eren time. I didn't think Levi would be so impatient, but I figure he's keen to have Eren fully in control of his powers sooner rather than later. It had been a nasty surprise the other night with that new Titan. And clearly these other shifters knew how to use their ability. Not that it was Eren's fault, his father had purposely stolen his memories. The more I learned about that man, the more I wanted to slap him round the face and snap his glasses. I could only imagine Eren's anger.

"They're getting impatient with me…" His green eyes shine a little as his frustration deepens. The only thing he wanted, apart from exterminating all the Titans from this world, was to prove himself. Yet life kept giving him obstacles. At least in his mind it did. As far as I was concerned his work in Trost had proven his worth, and his willing. Now it was a case of overcoming a lack of control. And that could be learnt.

"Let them." I turn to him and take his hands in mine. He smiles but still looks downtrodden. He was so eager to please, to prove himself.

I knew the feeling well.

He just had to focus on the right thing.

Surely that was the key to it.

All these other Titan shifters had specific goals in mind when shifting, they were focused, and they were driven. Eren was driven, to the point of excess, but he had trouble focusing. I knew that. In the heat of the moment he focused on the danger; like when he stopped that cannonball from hitting Mikasa and Armin. Or when he tried to pick up a spoon. I have to admit, I was miffed I'd not seen him do something that hilarious, myself. But with hilarity aside; it was all about focus.

"I just don't know what to do," he mutters, more to himself than us. "I need it to be in the moment, the danger, the panic—"

"You can't rely on that, Eren…" I'm beginning to let my theory materialise outside my head, in case it made no sense out in the open. I meet his gaze and he swallows, I think I look a little deranged. "It isn't safe for you or us. You just… you need to know when you _need_ to change, and that may well be outside a fight, ready to charge in, fully in control and ready to figure it out… So just focus on that."

"On what?"

"That you don't _need_ the panic of the moment, you don't _need_ the danger of an ongoing fight. What you _need_ is to learn to control it, you _need_ to know the beast inside you and own it. You _need_ to kill all the Titans like you planned, and this is how you're gonna do it. Focus on that, you _need_ to control it. And we're going to help you." I cheer, a little louder than intended. I share a broad grin with Eren, and just smile at Mikasa's mix of confusion and concern.

"Yeah… makes… damn that actually makes sense…" I try and ignore the slightly insulting surprise in his voice.

"This is your team, Eren, and we will not abandon you. Got it?" I squeeze his hands tightly and his big green eyes are brighter than ever.

"I'm ready to try again… I think…"

" _Nearly_ convincing. Now go on, head back down, let's get back Mikasa. I think he's gonna manage this time." I wink at him as he heads down the ladder. She's gnawing her lip, but remains silent as we take up our stance, and I put my arm round her again.

A few minutes slip by in silence, but then there's a small yelp of pain and suddenly steam billows up and out of the well. I share a strangely excited look with Mikasa. He did it. Hanji is whooping behind us, and I heard Erwin begin to talk excitedly at Levi. I think I just hear Levi sigh, and say 'finally'.

The steam clears bit by bit, and finally we have him before us. In all his terrifying glory.

Completely sealed in, his Titan head thrown back in a frustrated roar, as its great arms were kept safely held in check. There he was. I glance over and see all the rookies have stopped to stare. A few are staggering backwards, but soon enough are back to their training after Levi sends a couple harsh words their way.

First off, Hanji tries to instruct him. Really we can't stop her as she stumbles over in her desperation.

"Eren you big sexy beast! You did it!" she coo's and I feel myself blush as Mikasa makes a weird growling noise next to me. "Let's get to work shall we my darling boy?"

"Mikasa… breathe…"

Hanji continues on, encouraging him to give signals, to blink, to give calls, to do anything really that co-ordinated with her commands. But to not avail. He just looked around wildly. It hurt the scientist, her crooning becoming manic as each command went by unnoticed. She comes over to where me and Mikasa stand, and slumps to the ground with small whimpers. I pat the top of her head and make sure I'm properly in-between her and the very tense Mikasa.

Then Levi tries; his barks only further enraging Eren, his green eyes flaring as his teeth gnashed together. I think I might be the only one not surprised by this. I'm guessing that the Titan had seen Levi swing in before tearing Eren out manually after the Female Titan attack. Or the beating in the courtroom, or any other point that Levi had been overly harsh with Eren. It made Eren compliant, but it angered the beast.

Then they push me forward.

Really?

I figured Jean and Connie would be left out, neither of them were particularly close emotionally, with Eren, or commanding. Well, Jean had his moments, but him and Eren hardly saw eye to eye on a regular basis. But at least the Commander should go first? I point to him and look round with a raised brow, slightly desperate to not have this pressure on my shoulders.

"Why not the Commander first?"

"Won't work if he won't listen to Levi." The Commander then gives me a knowing look and nods towards the howling Titan. "And I don't want Mikasa that close to him, considering what happened in Trost."

"Right…"

"Go on Sanshi. It's your time to shine."

"Uh huh… right… so you don't mind me getting squished… Thanks…"

I turn and swallow hard, stepping forward with a small shake. I knew Eren never wanted to hurt me, but I couldn't help but shiver a little. He was immense before me, such unbridled rage in those burning emeralds, it made me want to full on run away. He was awesome, but awesomely terrifying. But he needed our help. I remember how he trusted me to help him the other night. That took a lot of trust, and perhaps that was key.

Maybe the Commander was right?

I call out Eren's name but there's no reaction. I gnaw on my bottom lip, and consider what everyone else has already tried; Hanji crooned, Levi ordered. Perhaps…? I think back to how Eren had tensed up when realising the danger we were in when in the belly of the beast. I think to how Mikasa yells his name in battle, her pain and panic whenever he's in trouble. The howl of someone he cared for. I look back to him and ready myself.

I was going to look absolutely ridiculous wasn't I?

"EREN!" the scream is savage and as though I'm in pain. His eyes snap to me, breathing quick as he looms. My eyes are locked on his and I swear I feel my brain begin to warm up as that gaze is focused on me.

That actually worked?

I glance back at the group, noting the Commander holding onto Levi's arm. I give a small blush as I realise he may well have thought Eren was attacking me. Whoops. I turn back to the now intent Titan and try to think. Now that I had his attention, what was I meant to do?

Everyone is silent, their breath held as I straighten up and give an awkward wave. What else am I meant to do? I'm shivering all over as the staring contest continues, but I know this is progress, so that was something.

"Blink if you understand me, Eren."

Nothing happens.

He's just watching me. I walk to my left, he follows with those eyes, I walk to the right and again he follows. I look back over my shoulder to the Commander, to Hanji, to Levi, looking for some kind of help. They all shrug.

Great!

I turn back to Eren and feign a swoon, giving out a small whimper as I crumple to my knees. The breathing of the beast gutters a touch, and I look up with pain written over my face. He strains forward. He wants to help. I know it's stupid but I lean forward, arm outstretched a little. But he just snarls and throws back his head again. Not keen on control. Well at least he didn't try and bite my arm off? Silver linings were important.

It takes until sunset, but eventually he returns to human form once the Titan is spent, after straining against the well for so long.

We retrieve Eren and tend to his bruised flesh. We've set up a tent, in case he is up for more tests into the night. Time was never on our side, but with the previous night's attack ringing in our ears, it felt especially impatient with us. Bit by bit he's brought back to us, giving careful smiles as we explain the progress made. He looks to me with a raised brow.

"What made you think to do that?"

"Guess." I say sipping on my coffee. "I remembered Mikasa saying how you swooped in and saved her from those Titans when you first changed. So I went with that."

"Good thinking on Sanshi's part, but we still have a long way to go. By gaining full control over Eren's Titan form we will be able to greatly increase our success rates, and reduce our deaths at the same time."

The Commander is careful to keep us grounded. I understand that he doesn't want us becoming disheartened when we don't immediately make more progress, but I wish he'd allow for a little more celebration. Never mind. Though as he mentions deaths I hold my coffee a little tighter. In the light of the flames shapes form, casting little shadows as they discuss what other tests might work. Isa's hair shifts in the wind as her big eyes stare me down. Why hadn't I had such a moment of genius when it counted? I grit my teeth and try to ignore her pestering gaze. All the clever thinking in the world didn't matter when faced with four Titans in those conditions.

But if you'd come up with a better plan? We might not be rotting out there beyond the walls. It's nice and warm by the fire right? Shame its damned freezing out there, in the dark open plain. I think Levi feels me tense next to him and subtly begins running his hand up and down my back, tracing small patterns as he goes. I don't say anything, I just lean back a little, the feling of his hand more apparent. I glance his way with a thankful smile, and he nods into his coffee, a small smirk tugging at the side of his mouth. He loved knowing he could read me. In a way I loved it to, but a small part of my pride wasn't too keen.

The Commander looks to Eren, and his eyes narrow a little.

"Are you willing to try again tonight Jeager?"

"Yes, sir."

"At least think about it, brat." Murmurs Levi, and I frown at him. Why the hell did he care all of a sudden? "Don't just say yes because it's Erwin asking. You _can_ say no, idiot."

"Um… thank you… Captain. But I feel okay to go again. I want to get this done, I want… I want to know I can control it for my team… sir." He watches Levi carefully, clearly baffled by the words of slight compassion. I'm still surprised myself.

"I'll help you over to the well, Eren." Mikasa holds out her hand but he gets up on his own, shaking his head with a smile.

"I'm good Mikasa, stop fussing."

He heads over and makes his descent, looking anxious but determined. The boy just never gave up. I sigh, I really couldn't make up my mind with Eren, was he a man or boy? Sometimes he was so naïve and sweet, I could put nothing to him but child status, and the need to look after him. But then that fire entered his eyes and I knew he was a man, he knew what he wanted. It'll eventually be decided I guess. Although I kind of hope, not too soon, the longer I got to think of him as a child, the longer I hoped he could act like one. This world stole youth, it was great to see it clinging to him so determinedly.

We head over once the steam has cleared again; one arm is partially free this time, wrist and hand above ground level. That couldn't have been comfortable. But I just hope the well is strong enough to stop him barging out and running off. Catching him in the dark would be a nightmare. Though I can't help but find it a little funny as his hand flaps about, as though he's flamboyantly telling me about a wonderful pair of shoes he just bought. Fabulous or what? I bite my tongue, I think I need some sleep, this was a fricking Titan, not a joke. A giggle escapes.

The Commander gives me a little push. Oh right, we were working here weren't we? I clear my throat and head towards Eren, he occasionally glances my way lazily, and I call out his name at a normal volume. I'm mainly hoping to save my voice, but there's no response. Nothing at all. Dang it. I give out a scream, and he zones in once again. But there's less fire this time, he recognises the cry, and knows it's just the little doll wanting to order him about. I wonder how small I look to him.

"Eren? Blink if you can hear me."

For a moment nothing happens, he just breathes quickly at me. Then his fingers begin to twitch erratically, and I lean back a little, no longer finding anything amusing. Can he grab at me from there? I don't think he can, but I definitely didn't tell him to move his hand.

I take a deep breath. These nerves weren't helping anyone, so kindly get a grip woman. I clench my fists, I have to get through to him. He can clearly hear me, I just need him to understand me as well. Perhaps it just needed the right words with the right message. I was worried I was being too optimistic, but there was no harm in trying. Well… unless it sent him into a blind rage, and he killed us all.

But that was the worst case scenario.

"Eren! Listen to me, you're in there, I know you are. This is _your_ Titan form, so bloody control it! We are your team, and we will not abandon you, so don't abandon us!" My throat scratches from the shouting, but his hand has stopped. "Okay… Now then, stop slacking! Blink if you understand me!"

Slowly he blinks, breathing slowing as well. My heart judders, and my knees wobble. Holy shit that just worked? Okay, don't freak out Robyn, just keep going. This was amazing progress. Well done Eren you clever bastard. I let my smile break out as I give another command.

"Give a small, and controlled shout."

It sounds like a bark.

I can't help but give a laugh, hands over my mouth as triumph washes over me. Maybe I would manage to make a real difference after all. His great head tilts, eyes flaring a little. I wonder if he thinks I'm laughing at him.

"Stick out your tongue Eren." He does so, and I give a cheer, "So you can hear me?"

He nods slowly.

"And you can understand me?"

Another nod.

"Okay then…"

Progress was good, but I wanted to get further. I didn't want him to have to transform again. Not when it took so much out of him. So the more I got out of him now the better, then they'd let him rest. I take a deep breath and begin to walk towards him. I hear small gasps behind me but I just wave a hand back at them, I don't want them to spook him.

"Don't move Eren, understood? You can nod for an answer."

He nods.

I sigh raggedly, and walk towards him, his breath is like fire as its heat washes over me. It was just Eren wrapped in intimidating, searing flesh with huge razor sharp jaws. That's all. Nothing to be afraid of Sanshi. No, you don't need to pee. I bite my tongue, and I reach out to touch his chin. There's a low growl, but I maintain my stance and look up, he's watching me closely.

Is it him or the beast?

Or both?

"Steady. You're doing great Eren, really, you're doing amazing."

A chuckle?

He seems to vibrate with it, and I smile as the eyes brighten. Okay he wasn't attacking me. This was good, now to step it up. I walk round and climb up his wrist, his hand slowly flattens to allow me a platform. I say a thank you in his ear, and again he chuckles. I then begin to climb up through his hair. It's like silk, but equally heated as his breath, and I gasp with each movement. It leaves no marks though. And the entire time he remains completely still. I can scarcely imagine the panic going through the group, but they all laugh and cheer when I appear atop the Titan's head. I kneel down and give a reassuring pat.

"Eren, you're amazing." I think I hear something like a purr. I then jump down, and turn to him with a broad smile. "One last thing Eren, my dear friend. Ready?"

A nod.

"Change back into a human."

There's a tense silence as the beast considers my request. I hold out my hands, keeping my smile in place as my heart hammers away. It's the strength, the unruly power, it was that which keeps his humanity bound as he sits there at the nape of this beast's neck. It was my own theory but as the beast remained still, unresponsive, I felt it was time to put it into practise.

"A human Eren. You know it's what you really are."

Nothing but silence.

"Look, we'll be needing you to turn back into this magnificent beast soon enough. The strength isn't just in the beast. It's in you Eren."

Silence.

"Eren?" pleading enters my voice, as my hands shake a little in front of me. I hadn't pushed too far had I? I hadn't hoped too much, and tempted fate to slap me back down? I steady my nerves and clear my throat, he could do this. I knew he could. "Come back? Come back to us. We're your team, and we will never abandon you."

The eyes slowly close, and there's a few moments of stillness. I'm expecting him to suddenly throw his head back, and roar. To be outraged by my request, to burst out of the well and pummel me, and my bossiness, out of existence. But instead there's a slight tearing noise, and steam rises behind the Titan.

Oh my god.

We all rush round and are amazed. At the back of the beast's neck is Eren, hanging back, unconscious, but mainly detached as he hangs there. Not ideal, but it was a definite starting place. Maintaining consciousness could be learned, it could all be learned now that we knew he could be helped through it. I didn't like to think of it as controlling, really it wasn't that, after all he could break away at any second. But he knew we didn't want to cage him, we wanted to help him fulfil his mission. And he would. I know that as Mikasa and Connie help him down to the ground, and carry him back towards base.

And then it hits me.

It worked.

It actually worked.

I sink to my knees, and feel tears pour from my eyes. Sobs come from me loud and clear, and my entire body convulses with them. I hadn't been allowed to freak out in front of the Titan, so now it was kind of pouring out of me. Literally. My heart is hammering in my ears as laughter attempts to bubble through my blubbering. Levi, the Commander and Hanji turn to me, with confusion. Levi comes to me, kneeling by my side and putting a strong arm round my shuddering shoulder as I continue to weep.

"Robyn? What is it?"

"What's wrong Cadet?" The Commander rumbles, though from further away. Probably expecting me to have a full on freak-out, and wanting to remain out of the splash-zone. Clever man.

"Kiddo, you did it, you got through to him! It's amazing." Hanji is gushing, hopping from foot to foot and clapping her hands. I can only imagine the lunacy in her face.

"Why're you crying Robyn?" Levi asks lowly, worried that the shadows were making another appearance in my mind. I realise I need to let them know this is a happy freak-out, in order to stop Levi's fretting. I look at Levi and he sees my broad smile, and he rolls his eyes. The shadows are nowhere to be found right now, there's too much joy. I look up to the Commander, and Hanji and begin to laugh. The Commander sighs at my mania.

"I'm so fucking happy." I choke out, throwing my arms round Levi recklessly, and clinging to him as I fall apart into a jabbering heap. I hear him sigh, a small chuckle under his breath as he rubs my back again, holding me close. "I was so scared, I was shaking all over. But then he-he looked at me. I actually did it… shit… I actually did something."

"It's hardly your first accomplishment," Levi murmurs, kissing my cheek. "You brat."

"Shut up." I giggle, putting my head in my hands and lying back onto the cold grass. "My heart…" the laughter bubbles out of me and Levi gets himself comfortable as Hanji joins in, and the Commander stands shaking his head. He could only manage so much crazy in one day, and I think he'd reached his limit with me. Somehow this only makes me laugh harder.

"Shit."

It was the first time I'd heard the Commander swear.

I felt a shiver run down my spine.

Something had happened, that much was clear as my laughter gutters to a halt. There was no crashing, no gunfire. What was it then? I get up with Levi's help and we, along with Hanji, head over to where the Commander has stopped dead in his tracks. He is watching a small group stand across from three figures near the building for HQ, all illuminated by nearby lanterns. Some of the rookies were freaking out over Eren.

Shit.

I break into a run without stopping to make a plan. Soon enough, the three superiors are on my tail as we charge over.

The outraged shouts get louder as we close in on Mikasa and Connie, as they stand in front of Eren, who is leaning against the wall. The mob is broiling, heads bobbing around as things are yelled and shrieked. What was going through these kid's heads?

"Stay away or I will slice you all to the ground." states Mikasa, with her usual cold determination, despite the fact she isn't holding a blade. But the rookies just look amongst themselves, all panicked and ranting.

"He's dangerous! He's why they came in the night!"

"Yeah!"

"He shouldn't stay in the base! Leave him on the plains!"

"Look, he's shaking, he's gonna change again!"

We catch up but no one looks our way. They're so blinded by fear they've just ignored three superiors? And me… but I wasn't as much of a surprise.

I go over to Eren who is gripping himself in a tight hug; his face strained as he fights the need to protect himself with his Titan form. I can see it, he's shaking his head and muttering. I lay a careful hand on his shoulder; his eyes snap open, ablaze as he bares his teeth and grabs my wrist. I hold out my free hand to Levi, who just took an aggressive march forward. Aggression wasn't what was needed here Captain. I keep my eyes locked on Eren's as his grip tightens on my wrist, nails digging in till blood seeps out. But I don't flinch, I haven't let my face register the little snips of pain that are cutting into my nerves. I use my free hand to give a small squeeze on his shoulder, waiting patiently as reason creeps its way back into his mind.

There he is.

I slowly pry his fingers out of my arm. The blood then flows a little freer, and trickles down over my hand as I let it hang by my side. I nod at him reassuringly, he leans back again, and looks at the ground in shame. But he's relatively calm. I then turn to the crowd, and stare them all down.

How dare they?

My eyes are cold as I walk towards them, they stumble back with each step I take. They are the same age and rank as me, and yet I feel like I'm towering over them. My voice is steady and calm.

"Those men came in the night for me. Not Eren."

The group all back down a little, still confused, but thankfully no longer leering towards Eren. I can hear his panicked huffs still, he was reassured, but still uneasy. I would much rather they rant at me, I wasn't going to turn into a sixteen metre Titan. I'd rage at them sure, but from a much more manageable height. And with less damage to surrounding buildings. Probably.

"The plains is no place for an honourable soldier such as Eren. He has regularly shown his worth both in the field, and on this compound. Can you say the same?"

They back away a little more.

"Have you taken on twenty Titan's single handed and defeated them? Have you risked yourself and left yourself exposed to the world as you transform into something that you yourself don't understand? Well?"

A few heads shake in response. At least they were listening. It was a start.

"Can you understand him? No. But that doesn't mean you need to fear him. Can you empathise with his fear? Certainly. So kindly do so."

"But look what he did to your arm!" Gasps a little blonde creature, her big blue eyes wide in their ignorance as she points shakily at my ruby dripping hand. I grab her hand with my bloodied one, and point to Eren. He's still hunched against the wall, gasping as he tries to keep the beast at bay. It's not easy at the best of times, let alone when he's so worn down.

"Look at what you're doing to him!" I throw her back into the group, and look at them all, my nose scrunched. "Congrats, you've become the mindless mob we're trying to save from themselves behind those walls. You're better than this soldiers, fucking plug your brains back in, and your compassion if you can find it."

"But what if he changes?"

"What if he does? He is our ally, our comrade. Perhaps you lot need to try and change instead?" I hiss at the young boy with the freckles who sinks back into the crowd. "As it so happens, we have just gotten to the point that we can fully communicate with Eren, when he is in his Titan form. So not only has he never attacked a human, but now he can communicate with them as his Titan self. Good enough?"

Silence stares back at me, with a few intermittent nods.

"Now, fuck off."

They disperse gradually, shuffling away with quick glances back at me and the rest. Their young eyes shine with fear, but their faces are blank with obedience. I stand tall, blood still dribbling off my hand as I stare after the mob. When the door finally closes after the last idiot, I huff and let myself hunch a little, my heart hammering in my chest. I look down at my bloodied hand, its shaking like a leaf. I guess they took that for rage, instead of panic.

Mikasa, and Connie, lead Eren to Hanji's quarters to rest up, we're all in agreement that he needs watching over. Both medically, and if any of the Cadets decide to be idiots again. The Commander puts a hand on my shoulder and pats it gently.

"Good work Cadet, although—"

"Eren did in fact attack Mikasa in Trost?" He frowns and nods, unhappy at the truth of the matter. I pop my lips and click my fingers. "Gee I forgot, better go correct myself?"

"Perhaps not."

"Didn't think so." I say with a wink, giving a quick salute before heading after Mikasa and Connie. I needed to see for myself that Eren was all right, and resting easy. I glance back over my shoulder to see Erwin turning to talk with Levi and I feel myself suddenly nervous. Why the hell was I feeling like that? I shake off the feeling and catch up to my friends.

"How's he doing?"

"He's exhausted, but not in any danger now, thanks to you." Replies Mikasa, though her eyes are downcast as they make their way along. I'm confused but silence the questions for now. They carry Eren to the bed; his sleepy eyes look up at me, and a smile breaks his lips. I kneel down and take his hand with a gentle squeeze.

"You've done so well today Eren. Try and get some rest."

"Thank you Robyn… You know… it scares the hell out of me when you scream…" He gives a small laugh and yawn, "I suppose I mean that literally."

"Hm?"

"I could suddenly feel, and see everything clearly, no steaming madness in between. And then with those rookies—" I put a finger to his lips.

"You're more than welcome Eren, but please give yourself, and your mouth a rest."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Cheeky fuck." I laugh, ruffling his hair before getting up to leave. As we close the door, Eren gives in, and rolls over in sleep.

Connie heads off, a triumphant grin in place as he goes for the mess-hall. I walk along slowly with Mikasa, glancing her way occasionally to see the same downcast look. Something was up, something was cooking in that clever head. I hold her back, and wait for her to look up at me. She should be happy right now; Eren had control over his Titan form, or at least to a degree. The danger to him was greatly reduced. Yet her big eyes, that have always swum with darkness, now hold grief as well. I flinch back a little, but keep hold of her arm.

"Mikasa what's wrong? Eren did so well… he's going to be okay, he's just tired."

"I-I know… I just… it's foolish. Ignore me."

"Not a chance. Come on, woman, talk to me." I plead, squeezing her arm a little. She purses her lips but gives into me, uneasily shifting her weight all the while.

"I just don't understand why he attacked me, and yet listened to you…" she breathes, her eyes closing as a tear seeps out the side. I dab it away with her red scarf and smile, shaking my head at her. What a little fool this hardened soldier could be. She frowns at me, completely lost.

"Don't be an idiot."

"Robyn, I mean it, he—"

"Mikasa, it was a completely different situation."

"But—"

"In Trost it was the heat of the moment, it was a crazy situation, with immense pressure. _You_ told me that yourself, when defending Eren's actions?"

"I suppose…"

"Well today… today was a controlled situation. With practise he'll be able to control it no matter what the situation, but this doesn't _mean_ anything. Seriously… seriously… holy shit…" I gasp as I realise something. Mikasa's eyes go wide, and she shakes me as I fall against the wall.

My mind whirls as realisation smacks into me, like a Titan's left hook. It was so clear, they'd been trying for months to wake Annie up right? That must be why they'd kept her all this time. Well we'd potentially just cracked how to do it. Holy shit have I just figured it out?

"Robyn what is it?"

"When I screamed at Eren? I tried to scream like you would when he was in pain, the same yell I've heard you make whenever we've had issue on a mission… and that's why he responded… so Annie… and… holy shit where is Armin? I have an idea!"

I can't wait for her to twig what I was talking about, and I knew I wasn't going to manage a coherent explanation any time soon. Instead I turn, and run full pelt to the mess hall. When I stumble into the room I get a few odd looks, but this is normal for me, and I ignore them as I charge over to Armin. The blonde looks at me with a little fear as I grab his arm, and drag him along to the stables. My heart pounds in my ears as the idea crystallises. I make him stand in front of the blue orb, and I feel him shudder at the sight.

I sigh and put my hands on his shoulders, talking into his ear. I explain my thinking behind the scream that made Eren focus, and he suddenly looks at me like I'm mad. Well… mad-er.

"I can't wake her up, Robyn!"

"Why not? It worked when I—"

"No I don't mean I _can't_ … I'm sure your idea would work… but I mean I can't as in, I don't want to. What would we do if she did wake up?"

"Get answers." Levi drawls from the corner, where's been standing with Erwin all along. I jump at his voice, creepy bugger was keeping his ninja habits going. "Good thinking, Robyn."

I turn back to Armin with a broad grin, and shake him a little.

"She clearly cares about you, she didn't kill you specifically because of that."

"Or because I wasn't Eren, and she's overtly efficient."

"Look, what's the worst that'll happen if it doesn't work? Your throat pinches a bit?"

"And if it does work?" He demands, shrugging off my hands a little angrily. "Eren is no fit state to fight, and we can't fight her alone. We know this."

"She's been stagnant for months, there's no way she'd be able to do anything other than crawl about in either form." I retort, and he sinks back in defeat. He knows I'm right, and he doesn't like it. His blue eyes zone in on the sleeping face, and he blushes. Damn he was adorable. He draws a deep breath, and we all cringe back as he screams out Annie's name, his voice cracking with emotion.

Her eyes snap open.

We all tense. This was it, the awakening of the Female Titan. Shit, we probably should have gotten equipped right? No, she wouldn't be that dangerous right now. We all prepare for the smashing of crystal, for an explosion, for a crack to appear. For something to happen.

But ultimately… nothing does.

How boring.

I reach out, and rap the crystal, it's as solid as ever, and nothing else has changed. It's still cold, she's still trapped in there, and we're still none the wiser. Damn it, I really thought that might make a difference. I guess I was only allowed so much progress in one day.

I pat Armin's shivering shoulder.

"Well… now she's creepier? Shit, I really thought that was going… to… work…" I back away as the eyes bore into me, they begin moving round the room, and flickering back to Armin. "Yup… she's definitely creepier."

"Is she awake?" Armin asks shakily.

"Doesn't look asleep." Again I jump as Levi's voice rumbles next to me, he takes my hand and is holding tight. Fucking ninja, I needed to get him a bell or something. "But nothing seems to be happening to the crystal. Yet. Double guards, now, and get more chains."

Belts and braces did seem sensible.

* * *

 **Drrrama!**

 **Hope you guys enjoyed! I am gradually catching up with my artwork for this fic, but in the meantime, check out what I've got so far on Deviant Art, id: Frantastic1993.**

 **Thank you to all my recent followers and favourites; really encouraging to know people still like this story! I'm thinking of trying out a few OneShot series soon, maybe AU, maybe not, perhaps both? Anyway, so far I have LevixReader, ErenxReader and even ErwinxReader ones planned. So if you have requests please let me know. I MIGHT attempt other characters, so if you have requests on those too, let me know! :)**


	18. Thirst

**Hello again reader!**

 **Thanks for reading, and please, please review, favourite and or follow. You're all such quiet people! I personally never know when to shut up... if you hadn't noticed? Anyway, enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Attack On Titan, only my OC, and she's enough to deal with.**

* * *

It came as a mixed blessing really. We had made progress in two areas, but as we gained control over one Titan, we had potentially lost it over another. I had expressed my apologies repeatedly, but no one listened, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. But now we weren't sure how much control Annie had over the crystal.

Could she break out the second we weren't watching?

Was she even strong enough to do that?

How badly would she stink? – this was my own musing, not particularly well received.

But she was clearly still alive, her eyes constantly shifting between the people that guarded her, all looking to the floor or each other in order to avoid the penetrating gaze. But nothing had happened so far, a week since had passed.

Eren was continuing his training; with others using my phrasing as the key to his control. We were his team, we would never abandon him. I was glad it worked for others, it was a lot to bear on ones shoulders alone. But with the whole team able to guide Eren, it made it easier. Bit by bit Eren was less exhausted after each session, gaining better control each time. It was astounding. He really was a marvel. And each time we made that little bit more progress, the shadows lingering by the flames got that little less distinct. A little less judging. I was keeping my promise. I was making a difference.

As the week grew to a close the Commander asked us all to his office. I was immediately suspicious, but Levi told me to keep it together, and withhold any back-chat till we knew what it was about. I complied. Sort of. Erwin sat, with his hands clasped together, just covering his mouth as he looked at his desk till we had all assembled.

I had a sense of dread all of a sudden.

"I want to congratulate you all on your progress this week, the Captain has been giving me fantastic reports. Really, well done all of you."

"But?" I interject, taking note of the smirk that appears on Levi's lips as I say this. The Commander looks at me, his eyes widened a fraction. Yeah, I got you pegged. Everyone glances my way and I groan. "C'mon he could've said this at breakfast, there's something he wants on top of patting our heads. A favour I'd guess."

"Cadet Sanshi has a point…" he clears his throat, shooting his smirking Captain a look. "We have to make a move on this issue of the covert team that came here in the night. I for one am not willing to let such an insult slide."

"So what exactly are we going to do?" Eren steps forward with eager eyes. The Commander sits back, and nods to his Captain who steps away from the wall, and approaches the desk. So he did know what this was about? Sneaky bugger.

"There's a fundraiser in the inner city, and all the fat bastard's in charge will be there schmoozing for cash."

Was this the opportunity to get into the inner city Erwin had mentioned?

"We are unfortunately, expected to attend on behalf of the Scouts. This is an opportunity to do some digging."

"So who else is going?" I ask, looking round, and hoping Eren is one of the people. In the inner city it would be tricky to run away if he had to, but also it would be so far in that other shifters would be less likely to want to change. It was probably the safest place for him, strangely enough.

"Myself, and Erwin, along with about half of you. Eren is going as a means of gaining revenue, the ignorant fuckwits needs to see that he is in fact human. Glasses will stay here with the remainder of you, and keep watch over the rookies. It's doubtful that another attack would happen on the base considering that we will be taking Eren with us."

"W-what about Annie?" Armin pipes up, and the Commander gives a nod in his direction.

"You will be one of the Cadets remaining here Artlet, you will be in charge of maintaining the crystal's guard. It seems there is some connection she has to you, whatever it may be, it at least may stop her from breaking free before we return."

"How do you figure, sir?"

"I don't, I just hope." He corrects before looking round the room. "The other Cadets we thought to take were Ackerman, Sanshi, and Kirstein. We'll attend the party, and see what we can learn. It's a simplistic plan but we have hope we'll manage to gain some information."

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I want to walk over and slap the man to make sure he's not drunk. Seriously? He thinks someone is just going to drop it into conversation that they ordered a covert operation for my murder? But I hold my tongue, I need to figure out a better way to go about this, before pointing out the Commander's overtly naïve suggestion. He must have more of a plan than that, the man was a genius when it came to strategy. It didn't make sense.

"I also need this team to do me another favour, I need you to show some visitors…"

I zone out a little as I try to think of a better way around this situation. Me, Mikasa, Eren, Jean, and the two superiors. What the hell could I do with that? Armin was usually the one to come up with a brilliant plan, but he looked a little pre-occupied with having to look after Annie, and whatever the Commander was saying. I'd find out in a minute. I just had to think. I'd lived in the inner city, I knew how it worked. Of course none of this lot knew I'd lived there, it had never come up before. Come up. My mind wanders down a cagey route, and I think back to my red ribbon.

I wonder…

"Sanshi?"

The Commander's voice is impatient, and I jolt back into the room, a blush on my cheeks as I've totally ignored everything that was just said. Damn it, for once I wasn't paying attention, and this time I get asked something? Typical. I look around but no one's helping, just sheepishly looking my way. I can't even see my Captain, the group is shielding him from view. He's probably smirking.

"Sorry sir, I was… elsewhere."

"Indeed." He glared a little, and I looked to the floor. "I was explaining that we have visitors coming today."

"Visitors?" Levi repeats when the Commander seemed unwilling to continue. "You keep saying we're showing _someone_ round Erwin, but who is it?"

Erwin nodded, and sighed deeply.

This sounded like good news.

"Those that worship the walls want to survey our progress."

We all groan, and he gives a small nod.

"I know, it's a trying task to deal with these fanatics, but we can't refuse them either. They've gained a decent amount of sway over the council. If we cause issue, we could have a riot on our hands."

"What exactly are we meant to do with them? Other than fight the compulsion to chuck them out over the battlements?" I ask with narrowed eyes, he gives me a warning look but I just stare back. Sod this. My patience for those of a religious disposition was rather lacking. It kind of annoyed me that everyone in this group now knew why, I really wished _that_ had stayed in the past where it was safely forgotten. Thankfully the Commander didn't know, at least, so hopefully no one felt like sharing on my behalf. I'd already taken notes of the looks they'd thrown my way; some nervous, others wary, and Levi was plain warning me to keep my cool.

"They want to have a tour of the base, and see our training grounds."

"Why?" Armin steps forward, "The cultists have never shown an interest before…"

"They want to see where we keep Eren." I answer Armin's question bitterly. "We'd better hide Annie then. They'll either start stoning us for harbouring another fugitive, or proclaim her some kind of prophet, and start dancing round her, ass naked. And some of those cultists have way too many bulges for that to be a pretty sight."

"Someone pair up with Sanshi, and keep a leash on her." The Commander sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with impatience. I huff and go to the back of the room. Mikasa and Eren raise their hands, and the Commander nods. Apparently we have the joy of showing the sister's round the compound.

Oh good.

Nuns.

My favourite flavour!

I think to point out the problem with this idea, but still don't want the Commander getting yet another glance into my damned past. I swallow my retort, and accept it. My past was something I'd never wanted shared, so if I could retain something, I would.

"You may now go see to our guests… though Sanshi? I need to speak with you for a moment." I step back from the doorway, annoyed at escape being snatched from me, and shuffle back over to the desk. Levi lingers for a moment, before accepting the fact he wasn't meant to, and closed the door behind him. I wait as Erwin sits back, and smooths his hair down, before giving me an odd little smile. That unnerves me no end.

"Sir?"

"When we go to attend this banquet, I will give you the preceding daytime hours we have to search for your friend. Thus far my contacts have come up with nothing, they may yet, but as soon as we enter the inner city, you may go in search."

So I was right. I just smile, and salute to my kind Commander. There wasn't much point in gushing my gratitude, it would only wane his patience with me further. He waves me off, and begins to pull out more paperwork. The amount of trees that man must kill every damn day… it was mind boggling.

I head out the office, and am about to head outside to the compound when I feel the cold hand of Levi take mine, and tug me back a little. I pause, and wait for him to say his piece, his face looks ripe for a speech right now.

"I know, and completely understand your hatred for these people. But they are not—"

"I know they're not who ripped me apart." I look to the ground, still annoyed that he knew that messy part of my past. It just clouded his opinion of me. He gently touches my chin so I look at him. I knew he was a captain, and I knew that there were important things, but I couldn't deny my exhaustion. He'd been so busy working with Erwin that it seemed like an age since I'd slept in his arms. I always slept better when I had him holding me. It helped keep the monsters at bay. They were a lot more frightened of him, than I was of them.

"I'm sorry I can't get you out of this, but I guessed you didn't want Erwin to know?"

"He already probably sees me as a victim, no need to placate that idea further."

"He doesn't think that. No one does, brat."

"I can't help but disagree.

"I know… Just keep in mind that the Nun's aren't the monsters in your dreams." He gently kisses my forehead, and I give an uneasy nod, he knows I'll try.

I head outside into the sunshine towards the idiots stood stock still, straight laced and all in black. I hoped they were boiling out their skulls. Not that there was a lot in there to bubble away. I snigger, but stand behind Mikasa as she greets the women to our base, and asks them what they'd like to see first. They instruct us to guide them towards the combat training area. I wonder if I should suggest a personal demonstration. I think better of it though. Eren is watching me carefully, and I am determined to keep my cool.

But then I hear the squeak of a wheel. I turn, and see one of the nuns is in a wheelchair. I go over and push her, unwilling to wait on the old bat. She gives a barely audible thank you, whispered bitterly between thin lips that are cracked, and dry. She is like a scarecrow as she leans forwards in her chair, little curled wisps of hair escaping from under her hood. A distinctive ring if on her withered middle finger, golden bands of rope wound round a dark oblong stone.

I knew that ring.

I stop pushing and look up to the sky, challenging the Universe against this bad joke.

Eren and Mikasa stop the remainder of the group, and make their way over to me.

The sky just stares back at my challenge, and I feel the name rise, like bile to my shaking lips.

"S-sister Delange?"

"Indeed soldier? What is it? We are falling behind."

"The rest of the group has stopped moving, sister." I keep my voice calm, trying to keep the fizzing rage under my control.

"Has it? Oh… my eye sight is failing me. Why have we stopped though? I wish to get on with this task soldier. Kin—"

"Did you live in Shiganshina?"

"I do not understand what that has to do with anything soldier so please—"

"Oblige me, sister." I am holding onto the handles of the chair very tightly, watching the old head bob about like it had all those years ago. The thin hand is on the arm rest, and I see her claw-like nails. She turns her bobbing head round, and the yellowed eyes squint up at me.

"I lived there yes, and was in charge of an orphanage for the unfortunates."

Mikasa and Eren take hold of my arms but I'm fused to the chair, my hands making the entire thing. Finally something clicks in that dusty old mind, and the eyes widen a little beneath their wrinkled lids.

"M-my god… little Sanshi… h-how—"

"Butchered any children lately?" it doesn't even sound like me as I growl at the woman, my two friends still trying to pry me away, and save me from myself. I'm clinging to it, my nails digging into my self-control. I think to Levi, I think of his deep grey eyes and his arms round me. Calm down, dammit calm down.

"H-how did you… h-how…"

"How did I survive?"

"Uh… bu—"

"I stole medicine for six fucking weeks to cling to life. I hobbled for _months_. How many more girls did you rip open? How many more did you throw back into the gutter, their insides torn apart and searing in incomprehensible pain?" the poisonous words spill out of me. I throw her from the chair, but feel my friends desperately holding me back. "You're a fucking monster. Never mind the Titans, you've probably killed millions. And all for your _righteous_ cause."

I stare down at her as she scrambles in the dirt, trying to get away from me. Eren and Mikasa are holding onto me, but then they notice I'm not moving anymore. I just stare at my hands, my own filthy, blood caked hands, and slowly unhook them from the chair handles.

It isn't that I suddenly mourn the children I would have potentially had. I meant what I said that night, I agreed with Eren's outlook completely. Children had no place in this mad world. What angered me was that the woman had survived, and who knew how many more girls she had hollowed out.

Their voices are bubbling around me but I just stay fixed in place, I'm waiting for it to subside. The anger is egging me on, whispering into my ear that I should strangle the life from that withered body. I should grab a sharp stone, and bludgeon her frail skull into pulp. I should drown her in the mud, and revel in the gargling bubbles that rise out the muck. I shudder as the hatred poisons me.

"Cadet Sanshi."

The low rumbles bring me back to the surface, and I breathe deeply as the free air fills my lungs. I look into his eyes, and want to fall into his arms, but firstly I notice his formality, and secondly I remember I have a damn spine. So I just stumble a little instead. His eyes flash a little. I stand straight, and salute.

"Sir."

Levi's shoulders relax a little, and he looks to the Nun he was speaking to. I shake my head, what the hell? Did I zone out for that long? Sister Delange is a few metres away, back onto her chair, and being cleaned up. Now some mousey woman is mouthing off at Levi. Her pinched little face is flushed red as she rages on about my actions. Doesn't she realise I didn't kill Sister Delange? The woman still has her head attached, she shouldn't be raging, she should be thanking whatever God it was she lusted after. But on she goes, blah blah, outrage and dishonour. The nun looks me up and down a dozen times, her young faced pruning with distaste.

Oh fuck this.

"Careful love, if the wind changes you'll get stuck like that." I say with a dip of my head.

Levi clears his throat, but I'm sure I see him fighting back a smile. He does it well, but I'm learning his tells. He's never going to be able to play poker against me. Hmm, strip poker could be fun. I realise the nun is actually talking, so I try to zone in on her incredibly irritating voice.

"Of all the disrespectful cretins to crawl through this world… this girl here is by far the lowliest. I tell you I saw it, she upturned sister Delange into the mud! An old woman, in a wheelchair!"

"And for the fifth time sister, I apologise on behalf of the Cadet." Levi reiterates through clenched teeth. I snigger as I consider what he would probably prefer to be saying, and meet the woman's outraged look with my dead-set eyes. I can hear my three comrades give small groans, but no one intervenes. They know I'm about to take this woman down with a verbal lashing, but none of them seem to want to avert it.

We all love the nuns.

"What could possibly justify—"

"So sorry, are you expecting an apology from me?" I snap, teeth slightly bared. Somehow her mouth becomes more pursed. I'm expecting her face to turn inside out any second. Her sharp little eyes bore into me and she quips an eyebrow.

"I don't expect it, I demand it."

"Oh well then, that makes all the damned difference."

"Well, really!"

"Tell me, how _did_ she end up in her wheelchair?" I ask, everyone does a double-take and stares at me. It only then occurs to me, that Levi, Mikasa and Eren, simply think I attacked the old woman because she was a nun. They haven't realised she was one of the nuns that actually did the deed all those years ago. The mousey nun lets the question topple through her righteous mind till finally it plops into place, and she musters an answer from between her lemon sucked lips.

"What does that have to do with your actions?"

"Quite a lot actually. So answer the question little woman."

"She was assaulted many years ago by some young roughians."

Realisation runs through the three stood watching; Mikasa and Eren shuffle away from the nun slightly, whilst Levi takes a definitive step towards me.

"And I'm guessing the five other nuns in the orphanage were assaulted on the same day, by the same children?"

"Well yes… but… I never mentioned the orphanage, or the other nuns…"

"Observant cretin, aren't you?" I challenge and lean closer.

"W-what are you t-talking about…? How did you know…?"

"Sister Delange and her fellow psychotic religious head cases were not _assaulted_ by _roughians._ No. The only two surviving girls from their latest _ritual_ , had come to settle a score. Those women tore us open. They took unsuspecting, trusting, _children,_ and lured them in with shelter, warmth, clothing and food, just so they could steal their insides and hopes of a family for the sake of their damned faith!"

I'm looming over the stammering woman, she's turning paler as my voice echoes around the compound. But I keep my face carefully calm, making my voice all the scarier to her shaking form. My comrades are just letting this happen. I wonder if they think this is justice, or if they sense that this might give some closure. To be honest I had thought closure had already been acquired, I had assumed that the damned nuns had died after me and Keza had attacked them.

"So the two girls made it, and went back to the orphanage with two knives. They had decided to repay the favour. The two girls broke in and one by one, sunk their knives into the sisters who had hurt them. We cut them where they cut us. It was only _right_."

"S-sister Delange never said—"

"So tell me, _sister._ Does that justify it? The fact that one of those nuns turns up in front of one of those girls, and has the gall to be alive and well? How dare she?! That woman should have died in agony like those other girls, and however many countless others she butchered over the years, did. So I'm sorry if I threw her in the mud. But quite frankly? She should be fucking thankful it wasn't over a cliff, or into the gaping mouth of a Titan." I hiss, looking at the wheelchair bound woman as I utter the last part. She makes a choking sound, and begins to flap about in a panic.

"But at least I managed to sever her spinal cord. I'm guessing that's why the wench is in a wheelchair? Hmm? Good. Now then, you." I point to the mousey nun, who is still bobbing her mouth open and closed. "Tell me something. And don't lie?"

She nods.

"Do you still enact this ritual?" she bobs her mouth about annoyingly and I grit my teeth, leaning in a little closer, so I'm only a few inches away from her. " _Do you still enact this ritual_?"

"N-n-no, the order abandoned s-such beliefs many years ago… I-I d-didn't realise that—"

"That any of those girls had survived? Not many of us did. So think on that next time you get down on your knees to suck your God's cock. Got it? Now get the fuck out of here with your preaching, and lecturing, you have no right. None." I then straighten up slowly, brush myself down for effect. Then give the most disturbingly sweet smile I can, tap her on the head, turn, and walk away.

That felt pretty fucking good.

I walk clear across the compound, and am about to enter the building when there's a tired groan from my left. I turn, and blush as the Commander stands, rubbing his temples as he leans against the building.

"Public relations isn't your forte, is it, Sanshi?"

"Dunno what you mean Commander, I'm such a people person…" I mumble, and he gives me a stern look. I hold up my hands, a nervous smile on my lips. "Did I kill Sister Delange?"

"No."

"And did I actually rant _at_ Sister Delange?"

"No."

"So really, all I did was give the woman a short mud bath. Will probably do wonders for her skin."

"Indeed, cadet Sanshi. Although you did almost scare the other sister, half to death."

"She's covered for when that happens anyway, I thought they were supposed to be married to the Gods? She'd have gotten to see her husbands. Really I'm just trying to do a good thing here…" I see the strain in his face, I try to smile off the tension but my knees buckle a little and I brace myself against the wall. Dammit. "I am sorry Commander, but… well to be brutally honest, I lost it a bit."

"Really… you don't say, Cadet."

"Mm… Once again the past came to bite me on the ass…" I close my eyes, and sigh, I knew I'd let him down, and that bothered me more now than it had when I didn't give a damn about the man. Dang emotional connections; tricky buggers.

"What past do you have with the nuns exactly? You don't seem the religious type. And also this doesn't help me with the current issue of how this is going to reflect in their report."

"They won't say anything about what just happened, sir."

"And why wouldn't they?"

"Because they don't want their old practises brought back into public memory."

"Their practises?" He repeats, looking over to the nuns, then back to me with realisation. A light raising of his brows, and I know he's on board. Another piece of me laid out before him. The man was going to know me better than I knew myself if this kept going.

"And I just happen to be a walking, and loudly talking, piece of hard proof."

I push off the wall, and stand, hands on hips. I don't need to elaborate, he'll know what I'm talking about. And if he doesn't he could get it from somewhere else. I wasn't in the mood for holding hands, and sharing. But I think he gets it. I scratch the back of my head, and give a careful smile, a plan occurring to me.

"If you played it right Commander, and hinted towards the scandal that would ensue if I went on a public ranting rampage… then they _might_ just give us a glowing review."

"Blackmail." He says, one of his brows raised elegantly. I sigh and nod, guessing his moral code wasn't going to allow such deviation. But I see it working through his calculating mind, sliding into place as he sees the elegance of the solution I have just outlined. His eyes flash to me, and a small smile appears for a moment. "That will be all Cadet Sanshi."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

I head inside, and am glad of the cool room that envelopes me. I begin to walk towards my room, but as the box is laid before me I know I need something more open. I glace out my window, and know where I need to be. I head for the stairs, and eventually come out onto the roof of headquarters.

The wind whips my hair around as I wander around the edges, letting my arms drag out lazily, like spread wings. But I soon enough feel a cold shiver. Shit. I close my eyes as the world spins. It's still there. I'm a poisoned wretch, and it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to forget, the damage was fucking done. Damn I was sick of this. If it wasn't my long forgotten past, it was ghosts of my team, or my mother, or… damn it was quite a list.

I try and shove up those walls again, if fire had no air it couldn't burn. Levi would understand if I was distant for a while. I needed to sort my head out before anything else tumbled in from my locked doors, anything else in the past that felt like making a grand entrance. It seriously needed me to have my shit together, or I was really going to lose my grip on what little sanity I still had. The walls are heavy, and I grip the small wall I'm leaning on to help. It would have to work. I could only suppress so much without these fuckers in place.

"Robyn!"

My silence is broken by Eren's yell from behind me. I watch him rush over, he looks a little panicked. He pants heavily as he comes up in front of me, shaking his head, and putting a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry about that."

"Not your fault." I look up, and he goes blank, his eyes watering a little. I sigh, and consider what I must look like. I must look dead inside. "I'm sorry… I can't do it Eren, I can't outrun it."

"That past has a nasty way of coming back to us…" He takes my hand and kisses it, I smile at the gesture. He was too kind to something like me. "You shouldn't have had to revisit that."

I try and hold the smile in place but it soon falters, I think he feels my shivering in my hand as his hold tightens a little. He doesn't say anything, but his eyes ask a million questions. Damn kid was too sweet. I open my mouth to speak but the words fail, I grit my teeth, and make my tongue work. My eyes are growing warm.

"It never goes away. Not completely. Levi helps but… I'm just scared…"

"Of?"

"I can only hurt him and all of you… it's inevitable. Everyone else that I've dared to care about has ended up dead, maimed, or turning on me. I think I'm just meant to walk alone. The past, the anger, my thirst. I can feel it there, beneath the fucking surface, just waiting to drown my sorry sack of shit self."

"Thirst?"

"Blood-thirst, surely you understand that above all other people Eren?" my voice cracks, and I sit down heavily. "Each Titan I kill, each wrong doer, I hope it'll beat down the thirst, it'll help smother the damn flames of hate I feel. But it doesn't. I get thirstier, and the flames climb higher. I-I don't really know how much more… I-I…" I shakily gasp at the air that suddenly seems so thin.

He sits next to me, and shuffles closer. The wind ruffles his soft brown hair, and I concentrate on the warmth of the sun on my back. Peace. It was here somewhere. I just had to shift through the shit to get to it.

"You need to get away." He tucks my hair back behind my ears, I chuckle and let my head hang back a bit.

"Know any nice holiday spots?" I scoff shaking my head, welcoming his naïve smile like a balm to my burning world. "I'd love to. Just run into the woods, and climb into the canopy." I sigh and lay down along the wall, a leg dangling out over the edge. Eren just sits there watching me, a hand on my bent knee.

"What would you do there?"

"Mm… I dunno…"

"Come on, you must have some idea." The kid was sweet for trying to distract me.

"I um… I suppose… I'd sleep."

"Anything else?"

"I'd sing."

"You really do sing then?" He says in amazement. "I've never heard you sing properly, just that… that lullaby..."

"Yeah... I've never really had the opportunity here. I used to do it to earn a bit of coin. Not that I know if I'm any fucking good of course, might've just earnt it out of pity. Nah… if I was up there? Near the big open sky, or the clouds? I'd join the birds, I'd sing into the sky, and feel the wind flap my hair around like it was wings. And I'd laugh. I'd laugh long and loud."

"Sounds good."

"Yeah… it kinda does, doesn't it?"

"I think the Captain would like that."

"Mm, yeah maybe… But there's no way I'd get him away from work for that long, he'd say we had a duty to attend to. Which we do. I know this… pfft, you're gonna get me into trouble, Eren."

"How?"

"Putting ideas in my daft head." I close my eyes, and breathe in the open air, it's a little freer up here. Just the bottomless sky above.

"Singing isn't that daft… is it?" He nudges my arm, and I smirk at his encouragement.

Did I even remember any songs?

No words come to my mind, so instead I begin to hum, slowly opening my mouth and allowing the notes to swim up into the air. I raise and lower, the melody flexing and twirling out of my mouth, and I smile. It feels good to sing. It's a muscle I haven't stretched properly in quite some time though; except for yelling or screaming, so my voice suddenly cracks, and I laugh. I cover my face with my hand, and continue to laugh till my stomach hurts.

"Wow, well, there you go… my singing."

"It was beautiful…" there's a pain in Eren's voice, I prop myself up on my elbows and see tears falling from his green eyes as he watches the few clouds skirt by. "My mother used to sing. She sang most whilst she hung up the washing on the line. No words, just song, like you did then."

"I'm sorry Eren, I didn't sing words as I don't really remember any lyrics. It's just noise in my mind now. Sorry… I won't do it again."

"Don't be stupid."

"Excuse me?"

"It brought back happy memories for me, why would you promise to deprive me of that? And think of how many others might have memories locked away, that could come into the open if you sung."

"I guess…"

"Please sing more often, just humming, or the occasional tune?"

He watches me, and I blush, I'd never thought of my voice as anything other than passable. And now here was Eren acting like it was a siren's song. But he just sits there, waiting for me to promise. There's so much need there I can't help it. I nod, and smile.

"If it means that much to you Eren, of course. Ask me any time."

"Really?"

"Really. Now then, we should probably head back… how long have I been gone?"

"Not long at all… Commander Erwin sent me after you, he looked a little concerned but I think he was just worried about the nuns."

"Fucking nuns… shit I really tipped her out of her wheelchair didn't I?" I put a hand to my mouth as Eren helps me up. He nods, and we both laugh a little too hard.

* * *

Once again I'm sat there having dinner, being scrutinised by those outside our group. Gossip was like a virus in this place. I stare at my plate, and feel a blush take over my face. I hate my body for betraying me, I didn't feel like I cared what they were whispering, but apparently my body did. A cup of coffee is set down before Levi sits down next to me, nudging me softly. I take the coffee, and smile at him.

"Thanks."  
"No problem, brat." And then he puts his mouth to my ear, whispering gently, "I'm so fucking proud of you."

"Why?" I laugh, my blush deepening.

"Because you didn't strangle her scrawny neck?"

"Very true… in fact, yeah, you should be proud." I say, sitting upright with a grin. He shakes his head, and drinks his coffee. I look around, and stare down anyone glancing my way. Fuck them. It was my past, and had theirs come knocking, I'd like to see them deal with it this well. I hadn't killed anyone today. Today was a fucking good day. I giggle and begin to nibble at my food.

"You're looking in better spirits." Says Eren as he sits down opposite, I purse my lips and nod. I hope he won't worry after my little emotional outburst. I really shouldn't have said those things to the kid, he had enough to deal with.

"Yeah, sorry about the roof, Eren."

"The roof?" questions Levi from his coffee cup. I look at Eren with slightly widened eyes, shaking my head a fraction, begging him not to elaborate. "Robyn, what happened on the roof?"

"Eren caught me singing like a strangled cat. Poor kid's ears were bleeding by the end of it."

Mikasa stiffens, and looks at Eren's ears, I put my hand over my face and shake my head at her when she realises I was joking. I smile at her blush and wink, she was the worst worrier I knew. Eren is watching me closely, but he doesn't argue with the story, almost.

"Actually she sings pretty well. But yeah, that was all."

"But he said you looked in better spirits?" Levi rumbles, leaning a fraction closer to me. Did he have to be so fucking observant all the time? I shrug, and turn to him with feigned innocence.

"I guess the song sounded a bit sad?"

"Yeah it did, only a bit though… sorry, I was exaggerating." Eren blushes as he looks to his meal. Unable to deal with his Captain's scrutiny. I can see Levi isn't convinced but I just put a hand on his leg, and squeeze.

"Seriously Levi, that's it."

"Mm…"

"Hey… do you know when we're setting off for the inner city?"

"Three days. Why?"

"I really fancy a drink, where's Hanji?" I hop up, and head away before more questions can be voiced. A decent exit plan, and in truth I really did fancy some momentary escape. It'd be nice. Perhaps even beneficial for all. I go to the lab, and find Hanji working away as usual. She barely looks up from her work as I look around, shifting bottles and flasks, looking for those clear bottles of sweet numbness.

"They're under the cabinet there." She points, and still doesn't look up. "I heard about your restraint today. Good work, kiddo."

"Cheers, fancy joining me?"

"Pfft, you're not drinking my liquor without me. I'll join you in a while. Where will you be?"

"Mess hall probably? Actually… make it Commander Erwin's office."

"Say again?" now she looks up, ink all over her face. "I didn't know you, and Erwin got on."

"Well I don't think he _dislikes_ me, but I feel like that man could do with a drink?"

"Good point. You take four bottles and I'll bring the same."

"Um… okay… set on a hard night?"

"Why the heck not." She sighs, sitting back, and rubbing her eyes. I go over, and look at her notes, the woman's handwriting was awful, it was like a code.

"You all right, Hanji?"

"Yeah… I'm just having a sombre moment. It'll pass."

"Hey…" I nudge her, and sit on a small clear patch of the desk, she looks up and I see the shadows beneath her eyes. This wasn't like Hanji, usually that face was bright and lively. What had happened? I tap her glasses as they sit atop her messy hair. "What's going on? This isn't like you."

"Sorry kiddo, I just haven't made much progress with Toddy."

"He's still here?" I shake my head, I hadn't even thought of the Titan we had tied up since the night we sat and watched it. "I'd totally forgotten about him, sorry Hanji."

"It's okay, we've had other things on our minds."

"But hey, at least he's still here, right?"

"Yeah… that's true… I just… ugh…"

"Come on, woman, spit it out."

"I want to crack it Robyn. I want to solve this ridiculous puzzle once and for all."

"I know Hanji," I tug her over, and hug her. "But we all have our demons to deal with, yours just so happens to be a fairly big bastard. Thanks to you we've learned an immense amount about our enemy. You might not have solved the puzzle, but you're doing a damn fine job of collecting the pieces."

"Thanks, kiddo." She says as she sits back again, and puts her glasses back in place, a smile breaking through thankfully. I smile back, and grab the bottles, shaking them and wiggling my eyebrows.

"See you in a few?"

"Sure thing, I'll just clean up a bit."

"Righto, and don't forget to de-ink your face while you're at it."

"Huh?"

But I just let the lab door close as I walk away with a grin. I wonder if she fell asleep on top of her notes. It wouldn't be the first time after all. I had straight for Erwin's office. I think he'll be willing to join us, but I don't know the man well enough yet to guarantee it. I head along the corridor and give a careful knock with a bottle end.

"Enter."

I stumble in, struggling to hold my many glass friends as I close the door carefully with my arse. It takes a minute or so, but eventually Erwin looks up from his paperwork, and takes a moment to consider my friends.

"Cadet, Sanshi."

"Commander." I say with a nod, setting the bottles down before sitting down in front of him with a careful but confident smile. His blue eyes are patient as I sit, legs crossed and continue to smile. Slowly he looks to the heavens, and lazily gestures to the bottles.

"What's this about?"

"May I speak plainly sir?"

"You very rarely don't, Cadet. However I appreciate the gesture of asking. Continue."

"You need a drink."

"Perhaps that is too plainly?"

"Sir, we have three days till our next big adventure hits. So I thought you could join I, and the rest of the team, in some harmless frivolity?"

"I'm the Commanding officer of this regiment, Cadet. I can't just get drunk with my fellow officers, and subordinates."

"Why? Because it might make them not respect you as much?" He nods, and I snort. "Bullshit."

He's about to tell me off when I raise a hand.

"You gave permission for frankness! Look, there's nothing you could do to make that happen, and I'm fairly certain you know that, sir. You deserve to blow off a little steam as much as anyone, in fact you probably need it most."

I say this as I get up, and reach for a couple glasses from his cabinet. They sit next to a brown liquid, but I sense it's a fine vintage and so simply pour a couple measures from one of Hanji's brew. I hold out a glass to my Commander. After a pause, he takes it, and watches me as I raise my glass to him. There's another long pause of hesitation before he sighs, and clinks his glass to mine.

"To being human." I say, and down my glass. He again pauses at my words, eyes tightening a little before he smiles, and throws the fire down his throat. "So may I go collect the rabble?"

"Collect away, Cadet. Your powers of persuasion are impressive."

"Not really sir, I think you just wanted an excuse." I say with a wink before heading for the mess hall and gathering the rest.

* * *

 **Drunken times ahoy!**

 **Hope you enjoyed, if you did, let me know!**

 **See you next time, thanks for reading.**


	19. Shadows

**Hello again reader!**

 **I hope you enjoy; please review etc. I really do appreciate it, even if its as small as a 'hey you're still writing this thing? Cool.'**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Attack On Titan.**

* * *

"Collect away, Cadet. Your powers of persuasion are impressive."

"Not really sir, I think you just wanted an excuse." I say with a wink before heading for the mess hall and gathering the rest.

They're all there except for Levi who has wandered back to his room till we've decided what's going on. I send the others along to the Commander's office, they're a little nervous, but when Hanji appears they're happy to go along with her. I give a thumbs up when Hanji looks at me, and gestures to her face. Yes, you got the ink off woman. I wondered if she even had a mirror in that lab of hers.

I head along to my, and Levi's room, and smile as the door comes into view. It had been too long since I'd gone in here. What with his work-load I'd been sleeping in my own quarters. It felt good to take hold of the handle, and push. No need to knock, it was a habit now not to bother. I hear a hiss as he's caught unawares, and he turns with a snarl. What the hell had got into him? I frown, and approach him as his expression clears to simple annoyance.

"You okay there?" I half laugh as I reach out and touch his shoulder, he shudders a little and I frown again. "Hey, seriously, you all right?"

"Yeah… just a little tense." He says, his expression back to its usual calmly blank self. But there's something bubbling under the surface. I feel it as he watches me, seeming to be waiting for me to do something.

"Tense?"

"You haven't been here for fucking ages." He growls, stepping closer to me. I sigh, and roll my eyes, he was just horny. Fucking hell, my heart thankfully calms down a little as I stop my mind whirring away to other conclusions. His arms wind round my waist, and I chuckle as he kisses along my neck.

"You've been so busy, I didn't think—"

"That I wanted you here? You've got be fucking kidding me." He growls as he nips under my jaw. I bite my lip a little, feeling my own frustrations bubble to the surface. But I'd already made plans with the team, we couldn't just stay here all night. Despite how tempting the sheets looked, especially when he begins to kiss along my collar bone, and then nibbles his way back up my throat. God damn. His hands are all over me, and I quiver a little.

"L-Levi…" I grit my teeth when the stutter comes out of me, I'd not meant that. Dammit. He looks at me with a smirk, and moves his hands to start unbuttoning my shirt. I grab his hands, and hold his gaze, a flicker of anger appearing in his stormy eyes. "Levi, come on, we're meant to be having a night with the team."

"Fuck the team."

"You can't be that horny." I say stepping back, he rolls his eyes at my joke but just runs a hand through his hair, and gives an unenthusiastic nod.

"It'll be fun." I say, going back over to put my hands on his face, and carefully kiss him.

"Fine, did Erwin agree?"

"He did, in fact he already had a drink with me." I laugh, and Levi doesn't look like he believes me. I just shrug. "Felt like having a personal moment with the man, I know he's important to you, so I wanted to get a little bit of a relationship with him myself."

"Really?" He watches my lips a little hungrily.

"Well yeah… why was I wrong?"

"No, no you weren't." He says, a smile still tugging at his mouth. "That's why you wanted to include him isn't it?"

"Partially." I shrug, and head for the door, "I also know how frustrating it must be to have to always hang out with people a good few years younger than yourself. An old man like you needs some company his own age—" He silences me with his lips, pinning me to the door.

"This old man is getting pretty tired of your shit, Cadet. Any more of that talk, and I'll put you over my knee, and teach you a damned good lesson."

"Promise?" I purr, and I notice his arms shake a little, I grin at his challenge and slowly run a hand along his strong jaw, down his muscular front and slowly trace his trousers where they strain against his frustrations. "Don't worry old man, we can have plenty fun together later. As long as you don't get too worn out. I know it's harder to hold your drink as the years wear on."

"You're just begging for trouble."

"Oh, my dear Captain…" I lean up and kiss him passionately, feeling his moans echo into my mouth as I share the taste of my shot of liquor. But before he can get his hands on me, I break away, and head out the door, looking him up and down slowly, licking my lips as I do. "I am trouble, surely you know that by now?"

"Shit…" he pants, and I chuckle darkly.

Never bring a knife to a gun fight captain, you amateur.

"Maybe give yourself a minute before heading through? Don't want anyone seeing how desperate you are now, do we?"

And with that I close the door. My whole body buzzing with the thrill. It was amazing really, to know that a man such as that was so desperate for me. Me? I close my eyes, and give a little skip. A lot less dignified or sexy than I was previously attempting to be, but sod it, I was a giddy little girl all of a sudden. As Erwin's office comes into view, I sort myself to make sure I'm presentable and head in.

Drinks are poured, and the chatter begins. As the drink is drank everyone begins to unwind, and soon enough Erwin is chatting away freely, laughing and joking with Hanji about old times. They make a toast once Levi has entered, considerably calmer than he was. We all raise our glasses, and remember those who had fallen. My shadows peek out at the edges of the room, but the atmosphere remains jovial.

I'm handing out a few more measures, and when I head to my seat Levi tugs me down onto his lap. I can't fight the blush in my current state of inebriation, but no one seems to mind. In fact both Erwin and Hanji are beaming. I sit back, and lay my head on his shoulder, he kisses my cheek and I sip my drink. The warm feeling has been draped over us all, and I swim in the noise. The shadows sulk away.

And then someone mentions the upcoming mission, and I tense a little. My little thoughts from the original conversation are bubbling to the surface, and I groan as I know they'll escape.

God damn it woman just shut up for once? Please? They would have eventually come out, I knew this, but now they'd be in front of everyone, and potentially slurred. I hadn't said much for the past three measures. Would my tongue want to work? I glance at Levi, and wonder if I should check with him first, but then as I think about the potentially deep kiss I shake away the thought.

"What's up Robyn?" asks Eren after my groan that I apparently made louder than I intended. I sit up with a jolt, but Levi winds his arms round my waist so I can't escape. Clingy bugger. I smile at Eren, and my eyes shift nervously towards the Commander, who is, of course, glancing my way. He frowns at my expression. He knows something's up. Dammit.

"Cadet, Sanshi? Is something wrong?"

"Um… sir?"

"Yes… what is it?"

"Well…" I blush, and look to the ground, shit I was really going to have to say this wasn't I?

"Cadet Sanshi please, what's the problem?" He laughs, raising a brow and I groan again.

"That plan for collecting information in the city? It's going to get us nowhere and make the whole expedition pointless." I blurt it out, and put my hands over my face. I can feel Levi shaking before he lets the laughter out, catching the group off guard with the alien noise.

"No, no Robyn, tell him what you really think."

Levi continues to chuckle as I peek through my fingers, and everyone is staring at me, occasionally glancing at the Commander who is smirking. A lot. Okay so he wasn't annoyed, I don't think, I hate that I can't read that man very well. The room's swimming a little, this was so not the time for this.

"Oh? And what would your recommendation be?" Erwin asks, swirling his drink.

"Really?"

"Well don't call my plan pointless, and not have a back-up. I assume you do?"

"Of sorts…" I nod.

"Then let's hear it cadet, don't worry I'm not going to get mad." He drains his glass, and pours himself another. "You've seen to that by providing me copious amounts of alcohol. Go for it. Amaze me."

There's a certain amount of challenge in his voice. I feel nervous, and am suddenly very glad Levi is holding onto me so tightly.

"Well… instead of wasting time trying to get information at the main banquet, you'd be a lot better off going to the after party, sir."

He stares at me with a blank face. In fact everyone does.

"What do you mean, Sanshi?"

"I mean… well no one is going to be talking freely at the main banquet. That's all for show right? So… we should… we should go to the places where all the honourable gentlemen of their hierarchy sidle off to once their wives have gotten too drunk and been poured back home."

"I don't get it." I could have kissed Eren he looked so adorably confused. The Commander also looked like he wanted some clarification, to ensure he was on the same wave-length. I drain my glass and clear my throat.

"The small little dark rooms where only money matters? Where ladies of the night entertain the gents for the right price?"

"A whore house." States Mikasa without flinching. I wince back a little, poor Keza, and give a small nod.

"That's where secrets are spilled sir, there guards will be lowered and information will come spilling out, if you know where to ask. And I know where to ask." I explain, and watch the faces around me turn to amazement.

Erwin is stroking his chin, considering what I'm saying carefully. I look over my shoulder to Levi but he's just staring at me blankly. God damn it, I knew I was right. There was little to no point in attending the fancy do, no one spoke openly when trying to get cash out of other people. But when along in a dark room, with heavy liquor and pretty girls, men tended to let their tongues wag a bit more.

"Are you suggesting Captain Levi, and I go to such an establishment _with_ these men?"

"Well I'm not suggesting you pretend to work there... sir..."

"Then what are you suggesting, I consider such places beneath our positions."

"Well... After convincing them you're actually wanting to go, yes, go with them. Otherwise they'll know you're just trying to snoop around. Keep in mind that at least one of those men ordered that covert mission, so they'll be on high alert with you in such close proximity."

"And how do you suggest we convince them?" Asks Levi, removing his arms from my waist, and folding them over his chest. He clearly didn't like where this was going. I nod to his glass.

"Pretend to get drunk, and listen for some kind of hint that they're heading out to their favourite den of sin, then sidle over and ask if you can join. Spout some rubbish about needing to relieve some tension. Maybe even mention the covert mission, say you had an unexpected visiting party or something. Then you get there, and continue to pretend to get drunk, whilst your marks actually do get drunk, then you nudge the information out."

I list all this off with a wave of my hand. It suddenly becoming so clear to me, and thankfully not a single word is slurred. Surely everyone knew how to do this? But the other Cadets are looking at me with fascinated looks. They couldn't be this naive. It wasn't possible. I knew I was a couple years older than them but… really?

"Mark?" repeats Erwin, swirling his drink again as he considers my plan.

"Target... person of interest..."

"Why is it your head works like this?" snorts Jean, sitting back in his chair with his hands behind his head. Although I do spot the blush. I give a shrug, and smile a little wickedly.

"Secrets are pricey things to lose Jean. And I'm naturally devious."

The wheels are turning in the Commander's head, and I wait for the questions to begin. I still half wished I'd kept mouth shut. But if we were going to travel all the damned way into the inner circle, I wanted it to yield more than a hangover, and bad taste from too much ass kissing.

Levi shifts me up so he can go, and lean against the wall behind Erwin's desk. He clearly wants to get this totally straight in his mind. As the silence draws on I realise they're both just waiting for me to continue. They all are. I sit back and cross my legs.

"When my friend Keza first went into prostitution, when we turned sixteen, she tried to get me to go along with it, I wasn't game though." I shudder. "Ew. But I used the place she worked for my own means."

"Collecting secrets." Translated the Commander, hands clasped under his chin. I nod.

"I'd hand out the drinks, and listen to the slurred conversations. Then used those secrets for blackmail, either for action or money."

"Clever." Quips Levi but he frowns a little. "How did you get the job without having to the other work like the other girls? If you don't mind me asking, Cadet."

"Cadet? No Levi, I wasn't a full-fledged prostitute at any point." I meet his gaze, and smirk at his thinly veiled question. No one else would notice it, but I see that blush. "The owner owed me a favour or two, so they just made the clients think I was an elite girl."

"Elite girl?" Mikasa repeats quietly, I suddenly realise how close to nerves this must be for her. I give her an apologetic look, but she just gives a small smile.

"One basically owned by someone _very_ important, so has to be available at a moment's notice. Therefore, not available to the normal punters. So I'd just go around with this tray, clearing and serving, all the while picking up tid-bits of information and secrets by the shed-load. But that isn't really what's important, what is, is whether we can use this or not."

"I don't suppose you know a club owner in the inner city?" snorts the Commander, thinking he has seen a hole in my plan. I just lean forward, and tilt my head at his misunderstanding.

"Where do you think I was working before?"

"You lived in the inner city?" The Commander looks amazed, and I just shrug.

"I worked there yeah, scurried in with some supplies and worked the richies for all their worth. But then it got trickier to go unnoticed by the snobs, so I up and ran to the army when I got sick of scurrying like a rat."

"So you think you'll be able to get something set up for our visit?"

"Probably, if I head there straight away when we get into the city, I can do that whilst looking for Keza. Kinda how I thought of this in the first place… but yeah, I can see what I can do. Then we can get in, and ready to go."

"Get who in?" Levi asks, watching me carefully. I meet his gaze, and hold it firmly. He wasn't going to talk me out of this, a plan had already formed, and I was damned if I was going to let it go. It was a good plan. I knew it. I could make a difference.

"Look, if you and the Commander go in and do some fishing, I and… I dunno… Jean, can go around with trays. I can get him the elite facade easy."

"Horseface?" scoffs Levi, "An elite? C'mon—"

"Bestiality is a thing Captain." I drawl, and we all have a small laugh, whilst poor Jean sits with his jaw on the floor. "But joking aside, it's the best option. Eren can't go in, everyone knows what he looks like. And we can't take Mikasa. She can look after Eren at our quarters. Her Oriental heritage is famous along with her fighting style. So she isn't an option. But no one really knows about me or Jean. We're anonymous."

"You're hardly that anymore, Cadet Sanshi." The Commander is shaking his head. I can tell he isn't happy, but I know this is far more likely to get us somewhere with finding out who that covert team belongs to.

"Yeah but they don't know what I look like, they know there's a nutty Cadet called Sanshi with a temper issue, but they don't know what I look like. Plus I know what I'm doing in this situation, if I don't go we risk it all being for bugger all."

"The covert team will know what you look like, and potentially the shifter, whoever they are."

"I can get a disguise, I'll wear a wig. Plus the heavy make-up will make me practically unrecognisable. They hardly want natural beauty under the harsh lights in these kind of places."

"It might work..." I can see the Commander sees the potential of this plan. He was too clever not to.

"So, you want to go for this?"

"But you're only serving drinks?" says Levi, his knuckles are white as his arms are folded tightly across his chest. I internalise another groan. This was ridiculous.

"No I thought I'd jump on someone's lap, and grind the information out of them."

I keep my gaze steady as he glares. The room has gotten very awkward, very quickly. And the Commander is suddenly very fascinated by his own hands on the desk-top. The simple fact was Levi was underestimating me, and I was sorely tempted to further torment his frustrations right there and then. I could play the part. I'd done it before, and although I'd hoped never having to do so again, I was willing to do it for the mission. It was because of me, that team had come here and hurt us. So I had to make up for that.

"Yes, I'll just be carrying a tray and listening intently. No one will touch me, and if they do, the elite girls, and guys, have permission to throw punters out. It's completely safe."

"I doubt that."

"Look, we can organise it that I'm your elite girl if you really need the security? In fact…" I look to the bottom of my glass, and then look back up with a grin, everyone shrinks back a little. "That may actually help the plan. These men are going to take some serious convincing that you two aren't just eavesdropping."

"I don't think I like where this is going…" groaned Erwin draining his glass.

"You don't have to. I won't be dancing on your lap Commander." He chokes on his drink a little. "You pretend to pass out from drink, people never know how to read Levi anyway, so him asking questions, nonchalantly, whilst being entertained by his elite girl. Who will also be distracting the men in question? We may actually learn something useful."

"Does this only make sense to me?" wondered Jean looking into his lap with a bright blush. A couple other heads are nodding, they know this'll work. But then Jean just looks at me with panic. "Why is it I'm involved?"

"I didn't fancy going in alone. Plus it's not uncommon for male elites to serve at the bar."

"B-but I dunno how—"

"Can you carry a tray?"

"Y-yes?"

"Then just act aloof and ignore them, hand a drink and walk off. If anyone talks to you, just be your usual prickish self, and make some snarky comment about them being below your pay grade. Simple."

"And that's it?"

"Well, unless you're feeling very adventurous yeah…" I laugh and he sits back, looking a little happier, but still scared. He'd be fine.

"So… you'd be…" Levi looks around the room a little nervously. Quickly putting his face back to its usual stoic blankness before anyone else noticed. I get up and go to him, smiling gently, watching the pink on his cheeks deepen a little.

"I'll be all yours. Entirely under your protection. Happy?"

"Not really, but it's a start." He mutters, winding his arms round my waist and laying his forehead to mine. I kiss his nose before turning in his hold, and waiting for the Commander to give his opinion. I'd said my piece, all he had to do was decide if he actually wanted to accomplish something during his mission.

"Right. It's mad, but befitting its creator. If you think this'll actually gain us some useful intel then I see no reason to oppose this."

"Goody!" I cheer a little too loudly, my inebriation showing. Laughter takes back the room and I turn to Levi who had his head on my shoulder. As the conversation picks up behind us, I feel like we enter our own little bubble out-with their attention.

"You really think this'll work?" He murmurs, eyes closed.

"I hardly want to go back into that place for the sheer fun of it, Levi."

"I know… what else don't I know about you?"

"Probably as much as I don't know about you." I say tapping his forehead. He looks at me with uncertain eyes, regret swimming there as his past holds him back. I put my hands on his chest, and nuzzle into the crook of his neck. "Our pasts may have created us, but that doesn't mean we have to constantly refer to them. I'm with you now. You're with me now. That's what we should be focusing on. I know there's things in your past I don't understand, but I'll learn as I go. You're just doing the same with me."

"How is it you're so level headed about these things?"

"Level headed is not a name I've been called often." I snigger, kissing his cheek before hopping out of his hold, and going to the Commander. I kneel by his seat, and he looks down at me with a smirk.

"Cadet Sanshi?"

"Thank you Commander."

"For…?"

"For trusting me." I say before heading back to my seat with Levi close behind, we take up our previous sitting position. The Commander watches us, and raises his glass to us, we return to gesture and the evening rumbles on as before.

I consider the honour of having my plan taken so seriously be Erwin. To be fair, the dawn may come and he changes his mind. Hangover's had a funny way of making one regret the decisions from the night before. But right now, it had been accepted as viable. It was a major deal. Like him thinking I could handle another team... shit… it was just like that. I shiver. Was I leading everyone to disaster? Shit. I hadn't even considered the fact that this would be me, practically leading people again. Not properly, it was only my plan. But it was very close. Very close.

I blink, and suddenly the room is filled with corpses. Death stares me down, and I shudder in his presence once again. Ghosts cackle in my ears as I blink in the horror. Erwin is lying over his desk, head hanging precariously detached from his shoulders, swinging slightly as blood pools over the table. Hanji stares through smashed glasses, blood dripping from her mouth, glass occasionally splintering down with soft chimes. Jean, and Connie are cut clean in half, their eyes white, having rolled back in their anguished screams. Eren stares at me blankly, green eyes glazed as he reaches out to me, hand frozen mid-air as the drying blood congeals on his shirt, oozing from his torn gut. Mikasa holds Eren's other hand, her jaw ripped off.

Levi.

I gag.

He stares up at me; chest ripped open, ribs like an open casket, and I watch his heart gutter to a splattering halt.

Holy shit, I was going to kill them all.

I shake my head, and turn to Levi, needing escape but unable to move. I need to run. I need to get as far away from the vision as I can. But my legs won't work. He smirks, still listening to the conversation, but it fades as he notices my fear. I look at him pleadingly with shining eyes. I don't know what to do. Do I scream now? Do I beg for Erwin to take back the lead? To go with his own pointless plan? Mine would potentially get us information, but it was my plan, it could only end badly. Levi now frowns, his arms tightening round my waist.

"What is it?" He murmurs. I lean in and whisper a little hoarsely.

"What if I fuck this up? What if the plan goes to shit? What if I get them... you... killed? We should change it back, I can't—" he kisses me firmly before my rambling becomes audible to anyone else. No one notices. I'm trembling, and he just holds tighter. I feel the little pieces of me begin to sink back into each other, forced into place by his sheer willpower.

"Keep it together, Sanshi."

"Yes, s-sir."

"You never killed your team. Understand?"

"Yes, sir."

"This is your strange drunk mind talking."

"Yes, sir."

"Enjoy yourself tonight?"

"Yes, Levi." I breathe as he puts his forehead to mine. His eyes search my face, waiting patiently as my panic ebbs away. I still wasn't sure about this plan, the image of them all dead keeps flashing before my eyes. But he just holds me. He knows what I'm scared of, so he knows what I see. And he still holds me. My heart swells a little as I consider his faith in me. He really thought this could work. Of course he did. It didn't matter what our relationship was, he wouldn't risk anyone here, anyone in the regiment, on a plan he didn't believe would work. He had faith in me. He believed in my plan. Perhaps death wouldn't win? The panic leaves me as quick as it came. I sigh and kiss him softly.

"Welcome back." He mutters, reaching over and taking a long sip of his drink, before raising it to my lips, and pouring some in. I close my eyes and focus on the fiery liquid. It dulls the panic down till it's merely an echo in my mind. My busy, and scattered mind that slows a little as I drink down the medicine.

The shadows wait.

* * *

As the small hours take over we all disperse, and head for our rooms. We creep along, taking note of the snoring, and occasional giggle coming from the rookie's doors. Some were asleep, others had better things to be doing. As our door came into view Levi suddenly walked a lot closer to me, and I grin a little as I remember where the remainder of the evening would likely go. His desperation was probably at its peak now. I keep looking ahead but begin to undo my shirt, biting my lip and undoing my hair with the other hand. There's a small grunt, and suddenly I'm off my feet, cradled in his arms, and being charged through the door. He kicks it closed, drops me and takes a firm hold of my chin. I'm still grinning.

"Can we get on with the real fun now?" He mutters, leaning in with a slight snarl.

"Personally I had plenty fun through there. Didn't you?"

"Not a lot."

"Liar."

"Mostly I tried not to drag you back through here."

"Even when we were discussing the plan? Tut tut captain, you really should pay more attention." I laugh, regretting mentioning the plan as the shadows flicker. He lets go of my chin, and runs his finger along my bottom lip. I feel myself quiver a little. This was sweet, but right now I needed the fire. At this time of night the shadows were long and deep, they knew my secrets and they knew where I kept my skeletons. I needed the fire, the blazing light. But his faces looks so sad I find my impatience dimmed by concern. The shadows loom.

"I want you safe Robyn."

"W-what?"

"It's idiotic considering our job but... when we're inside the walls is it so much to ask?"

"The plan really bothers you that much?"

I can't keep all the disappointment out of my voice, I really thought he'd believed in the plan. He seemed so sure when fighting off my panic earlier. Or was that to just stop me freaking out in front of everyone? The shadows sneer.

He sighs, and goes to sit on his desk, looking at the floor as he searches for the right words. I feel my hands twitch, wanting to reach out, and grab him, beg him to fend them off. Help me. But I stay quiet. I can't let him know this is still the case; that I'm still this damned fragile after my team. Shit. The shadows practically cheer as I throw gas onto their dark flames. My mind warps, and they swirl around, suffocating me. I choke out the words, simply hoping to attract his attention. To get the fire going again before there was too little air for a spark.

"I can do this, Levi."

"It's me I'm worried about." He clicks his tongue. But he still hasn't looked at me, he's oblivious to my crumbling self. I try and focus on what he's saying, on his voice, it helped a little. "Those animals will have their eyes all over you, if they're allowed or not. I can't guarantee I won't lose it."

I breathe a little easier. He doesn't doubt my plan. And yet, panic continues to rattle the door to my mind. I focus on this reassurance, and drag my feet towards him. Shivers are running up, and down my spine but I hold them at bay from surfacing.

"I'll be acting as your girl, you have the authority to berate them. I wouldn't suggest it as you're trying to befriend these men… but you can if you want." I assure him, sitting on the desk before lying back, head hanging off the edge towards his chair. I can't sit with him or he'll notice the shivering. But I need to be nearer to stop the shivering. Damn it woman get a grip. His fingers walk along my stomach before dragging gently over my throat. I shiver a little harder, but he'll think it's for a different reason.

Partly it is.

Partly it isn't.

"You know..." his voice trails off and I groan, I need that noise in my ears. Keep talking you ninja man. I need your help, but fuck it if my pride will let me admit that. I can't let you doubt me now. You don't need some snivelling wreck. You need someone strong, and capable. I'm sure I used t be that…

"What's on your mind, Levi?" I'm amazed at how steady my voice is.

"I wouldn't be angry if you had done… _that_ work. I'd understand."

"You think I lied?"

"Not so much lied… more… withheld your past from the group. But I'd rather you told me."

"I was offered a lot of money plenty times, but no, never. I promise. Not intentionally anyway."

"What does that mean?" He lifts my head, and sits down in his chair, resting my head in his lap, as he gently strokes my hair. I sigh and sit up, cross my legs and turn to face him. The shadows are leaning back a little, annoyed by this ongoing conversation. I look him straight in the eye, focusing on the pale grey as though it were golden sunshine. Memory lane was far from my favourite place, but it was better than the alternative darkness of the present.

He's frowning.

He can tell something's up, beyond this conversation.

"I thought it was a genuine thing, he left money on the dresser in the morning. But not a lot."

"How old were you?"

"Nosey tonight aren't we?" I laugh, a little too highly. I'm thrilled as his rumbling tones swamp my ears, but I can't seem too eager. I can't let him know. I can't let him doubt me. His frown deepens, and I clear my throat. "I was seventeen. I was young, stupid and apparently _shite_ in bed. Hopefully that's changed...?"

I watch him look to the side, a smirk spreading over his lips.

Yes, start the fire Levi. Please.

"Come on, Levi, my self-esteem is hanging by a thread, justify my sexual nature." I tease, jumping up and away from him when he grabs for me. I think it still surprised him how fast I could be. I feel the warmth in my gut as he paces towards me, commanding, defiant, strong. Everything I need him to be right now.

"Brat, come back here."

"Or what old man?"

"Don't start that shit again..." He growls as we stand on opposite sides of the desk, me matching each step he takes. "You are in dire need of disciplining."

"Oh promise?" I laugh turning to run round the desk, but I stumble to a stop. I suddenly feel very cold. No. No, please, I was so close. I shiver, my drunken mind warping the world. The door to Levi's closet looms, slowly opening, and on each hanger hangs the corpses of the skeletons hidden in my past. I feel Levi shaking my shoulders but I'm stuck staring, wide eyed and unable to breathe. They're there, judging me.

How dare I think of a plan?

How dare I consider telling people what to do?

I only lead to death's door, I was practically his pimp.

"Robyn dammit, talk to me." I fall back into his arms, unable to run but unable to stand with those leering faces any longer. So much hate, and loathing. He carefully lays me on the bed, but I can't tear my eyes away from the corpses. Their heads slowly turn to me, flesh tearing and squelching as they do. They demand to know why it was I lived and they didn't. They demanded their answers silently, and relentlessly as they stare. Some had blood dribbling down, others had already begun to decay. It was a very full closet.

"Make them stop?"

"What? Who Robyn, what's goi—"

"They keep staring..." I whisper, he follows my gaze and goes to close the wardrobe without questions. I can still feel their eyes watching me, but the door helps. He comes back over, watching me closely, like someone watches a brandished knife. The shadows flicker around him, but they can't touch him. I meet his confused gaze, and give a completely unconvincing smile. "Thanks... they're being persistent tonight..."

He climbs into bed, kicking off his boots before tugging me over, hand stroking my hair, and lips kissing my forehead. He's so warm, and unjuddery. How the hell did he do it? He was a warm statue. It made no sense. I cling to his light, and hope the shadows get bored soon.

"I wish your head would leave you alone."

"Sorry." I just nuzzle into his chest, unable to admit the fact the faces had appeared in the ceiling above. Dripping blood down onto the bed as we lay there. His lips touch my head again, but this time in a hard line. He must be getting pretty bored of this shit. I knew I was.

"Please stop apologizing Robyn. You never need to, not for this. Can't I help at all?"

"You know you do in general, don't you?"

"I hope... but it's not much if they still make you freeze like that. It looks like you're right back there in the rain." His frustration is palpable, and I shift so my head rests on his shoulder, nose grazing his throats smooth skin. I want to let him help me, I want him to fend off every fear or ghost. I just don't know how. At least I don't know how to let him do that all the time. But I knew how to accomplish it temporarily.

"Then distract me." I breathe, and he winds an arm round me, his heartbeat picking up a little. My shivering returns with a vengeance, and I cling to the collar of his shirt as I press my lips to his throat. "Make me forget, Levi... _Save me_."

"Robyn..." He runs a hand down my spine. "You've never said that before."

"I'm saying it now." My voice shakes a little, but I can't hold it back anymore. "I need you."

"You have me."

He tilts my head up, and presses his lips to mine, slow at first, reassuring me, but soon the sparks begin. He holds the nape of my neck, lips becoming insistent before I climb on top of him, cupping his face as I open or mouths to deepen the kiss. Echoes bounce round my scattered mind, but I concentrate on the heat of his breath. They can't touch me when he does. But to scare off the shadows, the fire and its light had to be raging.

I grind against him, ripping his shirt open and clawing down his chest. He gasps but goes with it, flipping my body down into the mattress, making short work of my shirt, and bra. I wrap my legs tightly round him and he sits up, leaving marks the way he pulls down my back with his fingernails. I moan loudly, and he bites at my tongue as he undoes my belts, hands lingering between my legs and across my ass. I unhook my legs, and tug him to stand by the bed, our lips not parting till I've undone his trousers to quickly rip them off and wriggle out of my own.

In the next second I'm straddling him again, both of us completely exposed. The sensation of my skin against his is enthralling. He sits up, impatient to re-join our lips. He lifts me easily, and I gasp into a groan as he pushes me back down onto his hardness. I feel him fill me, and complete me. I throw my arms round his neck, and bite down hard on his shoulder, trying to muffle my voice as his hands guide me up and down. As the sensation becomes more normal, I take over, hungrily kissing him again as I rock my hips up and down, and swing them around too. Now he groans, suddenly grabbing my shoulders, and pulling me till he's in to the hilt. I put a hand over my mouth as I yelp, feeling the electricity short out inside me.

But I want more.

The shadows are falling back, we were winning.

I push him down till he's lying beneath me, we share another deep kiss as I push against the headboard, and I ride him into submission. I'm taken away by euphoria, leaning back and running my hands through my hair as my hips stoke the electric thrill.

"Yes... holy fuck, Robyn... nngh...ugh... unbelievable... brat." He pants, gripping my hips and pulling himself deeper inside as he sits up again. I smile drunkenly at him, my hands now on his chest as we share into each other.

Then I feel my hand slip.

I look, and flinch as blood gushes from it, plastering over Levi's porcelain skin. No, please not now. He sees me staring at my hand, and reacts instantly. His hands release my hips to cradle me as he gets up to lay me down on the bed. He pushes the hair from my face, and gently strokes my cheek.

"Hey, look at me." But I'm transfixed, how can he stand it? There's a bloody handprint left on his chest. It's disgusting. It's filthy. "Robyn, look at me. It's not real, there is no blood."

"There's always blood." I gasp, clamping a hand over my mouth. Why did I say that? I feel the blood ooze over my face, and in between my lips as they gasp for air.

"Look at me. Please Robyn." He whispers, stroking my face gently, before kissing me firmly. I focus on the contact. The warmth, the light. I feel myself relax a little, breathing a little easier. He kisses down my jaw, and lingers at the base of my throat. "Stay here, stay with me. Leave the past where it belongs. Stay with me."

"Yes, Levi." I breathe, and feel him gently begin to move again, he murmurs my name as he kisses across my chest and up my neck. My hand feels dry, I chance a peek and find the blood receding. It's drying up in the heat of him. I kiss him deeply, running my clean hands through his raven hair. He pulls away gently, and looks at me with an anxious gaze. "Thank you."

"Anything." He breathes, seeing the panic has left me. He takes my hand and kisses it, pausing and frowning a little. "I love you."

"Thankfully..." I laugh, eyes rolling back as he hits the spot that turns me to a jibbering idiot. He chuckles, and kisses me as he quickens his delicious pace. White flashes across my vision as my back arches.

"Levi... my Levi... Yes..." I gasp, lazily kissing his neck as he thrusts his final few till he is also left panting. The ghosts can't touch me, the terror can't affect me, and once more he saves me from myself. He moves to the side, and I curl myself around him, dragging my teeth across his chest a little.

"My Levi."

"Always." He breathes, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Always." I repeat, running a hand across his cheek reassuringly as he searches my face for any remaining fear. When he finds none, a small smile appears, before he lays back, and I watch sleep take him. Damn he was beautiful. Damn... He was mine? I don't dare close my eyes. That's where the shadows were waiting. I wait till his breathing is slow and deep, and I run a hand over his jaw. His eyebrows twitch, but otherwise remain still. I edge closer still, legs hooking round his till I can only hear his heartbeat. I stare up, and watch him sleep.

I was becoming very creepy.

* * *

 **Mission begins next time... what could go wrong?**

 **See you next time, thanks again for reading! Hope it's still interesting?**


	20. Ketherina

**Hello there!**

 **Och I'm so excited for this bit, I mentioned the beginning of a story arc, and this is where is really begins to kick off. I'm just so excited to share this bit with you guys! Hope you enjoy it! I certainly enjoyed writing it! Let me know what you think, and maybe what you think it's going to lead to.**

 **Thanks for reading!**

* * *

By the time we reach the inner city I haven't slept for two days.

Only Levi knows this, but I think Eren suspects. I've tried, I really have; but my head just won't quit. The images flash right into place, as soon as I let my eyelids droop. And as soon as they do, I feel instantly energised; and its entirely fuelled by fear. I really wish this wasn't the case, I wish Levi was able to chase the visions away completely, I know it pains him to know he can't. But as we sit in the carriage, taking our shift for rest, I just stare out the window, not able to meet his eye. He feels like he's failing by not saving me from these visions, and yet I feel like I'm failing him, for causing his guilt. What a fucking mess.

When we finally enter the Capital city, I head straight to the club, practically jumping out the carriage still in motion. I barely even say goodbye. I just need to keep moving, to keep this plan forming properly. As a group, we will still attend the evening banquet; however I only recently learned that I'd also be attending. This seemed like a terrible idea; firstly, me in a fancy situation just sent all kinds of alarm bells ringing, and secondly me being around fancy people sent even more off into incessant clanging. This could only end with my foot firmly wedged into my mouth. Levi kept assuring me I'd do fine, but I knew he hated these things; and so I highly suspect he is secretly hoping I'll cause a calamity, just to piss off the fancy buggers. It was good to have his support, but it was frustrating to know the reason why. Erwin claimed, our attendance would portray our disregard for their threats.

Personally I just thought of it as an unnecessary risk. Then again, Levi seemed happier to have me in his sights as much as possible. I didn't mention his small smile that flickered in and out of sight when Erwin explained this. He was happy, and I wouldn't berate him unless he gloated. If he did that, I'd happily slap him. Of course at that point, I had to mention my lacking ball gown attire. I owned nothing much beyond civvy trousers and shirts. Hardly chic. However Hanji assured me she'd acquired me one at the boutique she used on such occasions. Having written ahead as soon as the plan was formed. This made me nervous. I had no idea the kind of dresses Hanji wore. I'd only ever seen her in her uniform. Was she a slutty dresser? Or a total prude? Somewhere in between would be nice, and I focus on this as I ignore the little shadows flickering round me. Haunting me as I consider how this could all go wrong.

I am surprised at how well my feet remember the route to the club, and I begin to jog as a light rain starts to fall. I feel like a teenager again as I slip through the dark wooden doorway, and into the gloomy room, only lit by pink shaded lanterns. I shiver as the stage comes into view. Ugh, this was not a place I'd ever thought I'd be coming back to. But I was here for a good(ish) reason. I head straight for the bar, the barman doesn't even look up. Instead, he waves his hand, and sighs heavily. Cigarette smoke smothers me.

"Auditions aren't till next—"

"Where's Kilan?"

"Like I said _love,_ auditions are—"

"Did I ask about auditions?" I snap, and wait for the prick to look up. Slowly he does so, and tries to be non-chalant as his eyes scan me, and flash a little. Ugh, I hated this place. I wait as he straightens up, and runs a hand through his greasy hair, oh please don't. Please?

"Why would you _not_ be auditioning? Gorgeous girl like you would make a mint here."

"Listen you cretinous wanker, where is Kilan?"

"Um…"

"If I have to ask again, I'll be shoving that cigarette up your nose, and those cocktail sticks somewhere else. Trust me, you don't want splinters down there." I wait, and he clears his throat, a blush rising to his cheeks as he scratches the back of his head. I roll my eyes and sigh. "He knows me, I'm an old friend. Either show me to his office, or get his lazy ass down here. Either or. And while you're making up your damned mind, pass me that bottle of drink, and the cleanest glass available."

He does as told, and scuttles away.

Good boy.

Kilan was always here, he practically lived here after his wife went nuts, and fucked the baker. He was a lonely soul, but he had always looked after the girls. I pour a full glass, and chug the brown poison down. It dulls me a little. That was better. The shadows continue to flicker, but this little buzz kept my nerves from singing. This would be a long night. I stare round at the unchanged room; remembering how it seemed, walking in here, arm in arm with Keza. It was such an odd situation. I immediately distrusted Kilan; he seemed too sincere for someone in his profession. It took a long time before I stopped reaching for weapons when he entered a room. But really he was a good man, just trying to make some money, as well as look after his girls. No one got into trouble here. No customer went over the line more than once; and if they did they wished they hadn't. Some wished they'd been born women by the time Kilan was done with them. In fact, they almost were by the time Kilan was done with them. As I refill my glass I hear a disbelieving chuckle, and hear another glass hitting the counter.

"Hey Kilan, been a long time."

"You sexy bitch come here." He throws his big arms round me, and hauls me up from the stool with a squeeze, I return the hug. "You are a face for tired eyes. What you doing here? Hope this idiot didn't give you too much grief."

"Pfft, like I couldn't handle him." I wink at the barman who is busying himself by smearing grease over the bar. That thing would never be clean. "I'm here to ask a rather odd, but a very important favour Kilan."

"As well as drinking all my booze?"

"I figured you wouldn't mind _that_ much."

"You figure right. Come on then, spill."

I go through it all, and he looks enthralled. Keeps nodding the whole way through. I have the funny feeling that he's willing to help. Though his expression darkens when I explain why we were needing to get this information, and he looks even less happy when I explain that I'll be acting as Levi's girl.

"I don't like that guy."

"You ever even met the man, Kilan?"

"Nah, but I hear he's a real brute. A proper little thug."

"You know better than most, Kilan, rumours are 99.9% bullshit. He's tough but he wants to keep me safe. He's… invested."

"Invested? Bitch you better not be with that guy. He's dangerous. I've seen him in the parades. Never even blinks. Looks like a psycho."

"Kilan, Honey? Keep in mind that you're currently conversing with a mentally unhinged person. I know crazy, I suit crazy, and I suit him… he suits me pretty well too." I feel myself blush, only then does Kilan's face soften. I don't think he's ever seen me blush. I shrug, and give him a kiss on the cheek. "So we clear on the plan? And you're happy to help?"

"More than happy. I'll put the word out to my counterparts around the city too, in case the 'gentlemen' don't fancy the suggestion of here. This is the main calling point for those animals, however they do occasionally like variety."

"You're a star as always Kilan. Oh, and while I'm here…"

"I ain't heard from Keza in a while love, I think she's doing pretty good in classier circles. Keeps an eye out for the other girls, as always, but she ain't been here in a good few moons."

"Thought I'd ask anyway. Any chance you could do some digging?" I ask, and he smiles, shaking his head at me in that way I used to loathe. I'm not keen on it now, but I see the affection there more than the patronisation.

"For you m'dear? I'll dig to the other side of the world."

"Oh don't do that, you'll let the foreign Titans in. The local ones are bad enough…" I sigh, and kiss his cheek. He went a little pale at my mentioning of the beasts, and I kind of do a double-take. It seemed so odd to have a person react like that; in the regiment they were such a part of the job by now, that reaction was rare. Unless with rookies. But of course here in the capital… Kilan had never even seen a Titan. He was an escapee of the Underground; just like Levi.

"You really fight those things huh, love?"

"I do Kilan, and I kick their mega-tonne asses. Don't you worry, I'll keep ya safe."

"If there's anyone I'd trust to do that? It'd be you, ya crazy wench. Now get going, or you'll no be fit for your fancy-to-do."

"Yes, sir. I'll see you tonight."

* * *

I enter my room at the palace like building; the amount of splendour makes me go wide eyed both in amazement, and disgust. People were starving, and there were silk sheets on my bed, with small chocolates on the pillow. The people in the Capital, really had no fucking clue. But then again, this wasn't my mission, one problem at a time Sanshi.

I lock the door, and approach the rather large looking package on top of the blankets. But before I go near it, I seek refuge from my nerves in the hot torrent of a shower. Calm down, just keep it together Sanshi. It was dinner. That was all. And yet for some reason; whilst I dry my hair, and approach that lush box, my gut does somersaults.

Give me a bloodied Titan battle-field any day.

Please.

As I readied myself, slipping the gown on, and fixed my hair. I felt all the splendour, and luxury; but beyond that I felt something sour. Everyone was watching, everyone was waiting. Schemes were being hatched, creeping around the place on slimed bellies. I shudder, and take a calming breath. This was not the time to start being dark in my thoughts. I had to be on my best behaviour for this evening. Not that it was going to help that Erwin had suggested me, and Levi remain close. They all knew about us already, but Erwin said it would and it would only further the conviction of our plan if we were seen as a couple at the evening. They'd think Levi was an absolute bastard. If they already didn't.

Once I'm satisfied I won't simply be laughed out the damn ballroom, I leave my room, and head down the hall. I was only running five minutes late but I knew Levi wouldn't be pleased. I tug at the dark blue silk that is draped over my frame, it's a long gown with simplistic detailing in silver jewels. Little clusters sit at the middle of my apparent, though dignified, cleavage, and at the base of my spine where the material gathers before falling into the slender skirting. No sleeves. It was beautiful, but it didn't half leave my scars out in the open to scare the living daylights out of the fancy-to-dos. I wonder if that was what Hanji planned. I hoped nothing kicked off at the party, or this could easily end up with me running along, clinging to my boobs to avoid their untimely escape. But it shouldn't. I fluff up my hair a little; it falls loose in its unruly waves to halfway down my back. At this point I'm torn; gut-wrenching anxiety over potentially my plan getting everyone killed, or nauseating nervousness that I'd make a fool of the regiment, myself, and Levi because of my lacking fancy social skills. I choose the latter; it seemed less likely to lead to a mental breakdown during dessert.

These were refined people.

I was far from that.

Yet as I turn the corner, and begin to descend the ridiculously lavish staircase, I see Levi waiting at the bottom. Suddenly, and admittedly only momentarily, my nervousness is replaced by warm comfort.

He stands, leant against the wall, casting his emotionless gaze across the lobby. Though I detect distaste. He wears a fine suit, black with a grey silk shirt, and black cravat. If he looked good in his uniform, he looked amazing now. I feel myself choke a little, feeling very underwhelming all of a sudden. I was going to look like his pet. I hold the railing, and begin to descend, hoping my nerves will calm when I'm next to him. But then he notices me. My stomach fill with frantic butterflies, damn it. The bastard makes my head swim as he jolts away from the wall, standing up straight as his eyes widen. Did he just gape? His mouth closes as quickly as it popped open, and he straightens himself despite not needing to. I give a nervous smile, and take his hand as he outstretches his to me. His hold is tight, like he fears someone might try, and steal me. I step onto the marble, and bob my head. He just stares; eyes raking over me before he taps my chin, and places a tender kiss on my lips. My knees shake.

Oh come on!

I know I'm in the dress but let's keep it in check shall we?

I step back a little, and take a deep breath.

"Not a total embarrassment then?"

"You make me feel like I'm under dressed." He mutters, looking me up and down all over again. "Let's go. Everyone's waiting. You look… beautiful doesn't quite cover it, brat." He whispers in my ear as he leads me through the watchful gazes of the staff to a long dinner table.

Everyone is milling around, the bell hasn't been rung yet, and so we head over to our group. I'm holding his hand tightly, as though about to wield him like a blade. Erwin gives a small wave, and goes a little wide eyed at me. Maybe he hadn't realised I was a woman before now? We're all in our finery, and it's just damned odd. It's plain surreal. One day we're running around in the mud, slicing through the steaming mess of Titans, and the next we're standing in ball gowns, and dress suits. Making small talk with the idiots we were having to protect.

I feel a tap on my shoulder, and turn to gawk at Eren who looks like a grown up all of a sudden. His mess of brown hair is smoothed back, and he wears a dark suit with crisp white shirt. He looks handsome. I suddenly feel very proud. I smile broadly, and let him kiss my hand, Levi lets go of my other hand, to wind his arm round my waist. Really? I withhold my eye-roll.

A group of 'ladies' keep glancing over at Eren, and whispering very loudly. _He looks normal, he doesn't look dangerous, but why was here amongst us normal people?_ I put my hand on top of Levi's simply to anchor myself. I glance at Eren, and am thankful that he's deep in conversation with Mikasa; but I can see him twitch with each unkind word. Damn them.

The dinner bell rings and we all sit down. I sit between Erwin and Levi, and across from a very sour looking woman. Her husband is staring at me. Correction – he's staring at my tits. I place a hand over his view, his eyes meet mine, and I raise a brow without further comment. He's suddenly fascinated by his cutlery.

I pick at my food, and try hard to listen to the conversation. However I won't say anything until I'm specifically asked anything. Otherwise I'd just put my foot in it. I knew I would. It was all I ever did. I pick up my wine and take a long, slow sip. Levi places a hand on my lap, and I look to him with a frown. He returns it, only slightly, his mask is pretty fixed into place tonight.

"Keeping it together, brat?"

"Yeah… just not very hungry."

"Try, and eat something." He squeezes my leg, letting his hand drift northward slightly before letting go entirely. I wish we could just run upstairs and hide under the sheets together till all this was over. I liked the idea of ripping that silk off him. But that wasn't an option. Not until much later at least. The silk would keep.

Eventually we get past the meal, I've done my best but probably only managed a handful of proper mouthfuls. My stomach refuses to stop churning.

We get up, and the pointless mingling begins.

I walk around with Levi, his arm round my waist protectively as we make small talk. I knew this part of the evening would be tedious. I'd always known it, and yet it was still annoying me. None of these people were honest, or even thinking of being sincere. It was all bullshit. Erwin is making the rounds, trying his best to drum up investors. It was just a little sad. The poor man was doing his best, but their expressions were hardly inviting. I turn to say this to Levi but he's frowning over my shoulder.

I turn, and feel myself tense a little.

It couldn't be?

"Who is that, Robyn? That woman's been staring at you for the past ten minutes. Do you know her?"

"I-I don't know… I mean… it _could_ be…" I can barely believe it, but suddenly she's making her way over. Those big blue eyes are wide with her strange determination. Her long brown hair is tied up but beginning to come undone at the back. Her beauty is only exemplified. How can she have gotten more beautiful? It just wasn't fair. I frown, unable to fully confirm my suspicions until she tugs me over into a bear hug, crushing me to her with loud laughter pouring out of her.

"My God it is you isn't it, Robyn?" and my confusion deepens, that was not how she used to talk. Please don't tell me, my brash and unflinchingly honest friend, had turned native?

"K-Keza?" I stammer, looking up at her with a frown. There she was, somewhere beneath the outrageous beauty smiling down at me. "Is it really you?"

"In the flesh."

"W-What's with the voice?"

"My dearest Robyn, do keep in mind the company we currently keep." She winks, looking behind me with a waggle of her eyebrows. Oh, it was definitely her. "And who would this delectable man be? Bit grumpy, but I sense it's because I tugged you away my dear. Here, let's return you."

I'm passed back over, and Levi firmly takes my waist again, staring straight at Keza in expectation of introductions. I make them, and his face immediately softens. Like a switch being clicked into place. He takes her hand and kisses it. Suave git.

"I've heard a lot about you. It's an honour to put a face to the name." He drawls, and I wonder where that suspicion had gone. Suddenly charm was centre stage, and I wondered if it was because it was my good friend, or because of her Goddess like looks. Then I roll my eyes at myself, of course it was because she was my friend. This dress was turning me into a bloody woman.

"Oh dear, what stories has this girl been telling?" she trills, jumping as an elderly man comes up next to her a little possessively. The look she suddenly shoots me is serious, and warning. That is a client, we are not to say a word. I nod, and cast a sideways glance at Levi. He doesn't understand, but he knows to stay quiet for the time being.

"It's wonderful to see you again." I say softly, smiling as sweetly as I can. I then glance at the old geezer, whiskers are coming out of his ears. Ew. This must be one rich bastard.

"Indeed it is my dear, this is my good friend Lorenian. He's ever so protective, but don't worry my good man, these are friends of mine."

"How do you know the Captain, Ketherina?"

Ketherina? _Ketherina_? I honestly don't know how I manage to withhold my laughter, but not a peep escapes me. Not even a smile. I deserve a damn trophy. A medal. A damn statue erected in my honour. Ketherina? It sounded like a damn passenger boat commissioned for the King's favourite dog.

"Well in truth darling I know Robyn here, she is an old friend, I only just met the Captain. But you know me, much happier to call someone a friend before anything else."

Excuse me? I think back to the little scruff who would throw an insult before a 'good morning'. Or even a stone, before that. Clearly her acting skills had vastly improved.

"Indeed. Well, see that you don't spend too long over here. I am heading to play cards in the other room. Find me when you're done."

"Of course my dear. Shall do, have fun with your cards." She giggles, and waves him off. He leaves, and she looks after him, smiling all the while, talking to us out the side of her mouth. "I'm thinking he'll die the next time we do it, that way I can rob him blind and get paid. Fucker is damned heavy. Just hope he doesn't croak, when he's _literally_ on top of me, or I'll be going with him."

"There's my Keza… or is it Ketherina here?"

"It sounds ever so much nicer don't you think my dear?"

My skin crawls at this fake voice. I give a nod and she narrows her eyes, casting them round quickly before leaning in and raising a brow.

"You're up to something, Robyn. What is it? And can I help?"

"How the heck did you get that?"

"What else would induce _you,_ into a dress? It gives you a cracking wrack by the way, but still, it would take some doing. And I dunno that the Captain here, has that much pull over you…" she pauses, and looks him all over slowly. "Unless the height is deceiving… perhaps other areas got the growth gene—"

"Keza…" I groan and giggle at the same time. My nervousness now has a heavy dose of joy layered onto it, and the combination is becoming quite intoxicating. Levi went a little tense at Keza's crude words, but I don't think he can be that surprised. After all I'd told him, it was nothing he hadn't been expecting.

"Come on love, we can have our proper reunion, when less surrounded by mules, and their ogling husbands. What's the mark?"

"We're here for info, but no Keza, I don't want you involved."

"Scared I'll upstage you?"

"Pfft, not a chance. I just…" I look around, at all the luxury and wonder. Everything she'd always wanted. I smile and nudge her gently. "You seem to be doing so well."

"Oh but darling I'm _so_ bored." She groans, pouting a little. I glance at Levi and he shrugs, he hasn't a clue what to do right now. "Come on, surely I can help. I see your man here, and the rather lovely blonde man you were sat with earlier, aren't being taken into the card game. Perhaps I can help? Might help the info collection?"

"Keza?"

"Yes darling?"

"I have missed you an awful lot." I breathe, and she winks, before waltzing off, beckoning Levi and Erwin as she goes. Levi kisses my cheek before leaving, guessing this would be a one-time chance, if it happened at all. The doorman doesn't stand a chance as she thrusts her cleavage out, and pouts in that way I know she will. Men melt at that pout. Like ice in a roaring hearth.

They filed away into the room, and I quickly look for Eren, or Mikasa. Someone I know. Please? I can see the leering faces of the old men not partaking in the card game, and I need to find someone, before I make a scene by ripping out their fake teeth and clamping them down on the nether region. I spot Eren, and head over as quickly as I can in this damned dress. Running was impossible in silk.

"How is it going over here?" I ask, turning my back to the latest whiskered pervert. Trying to ignore the sensation of his yellowed eyes raking over my ass. Just focus on your conversation, no, your heel wouldn't fit nicely into his eye socket. Focus!

"Fine. A few too many weird questions but… fine." Says Eren with a blush, and slight shrug. I look to Mikasa, and she's just staring at her glass of wine. I'm fairly sure it's the one she was handed at the door at the beginning of the evening.

"What kind of… y'know what? I don't want to know."

"Where did the Commander and Captain just go to?"

"Card game with the other elite gents, hoping it'll lead to other areas."

"Shouldn't you, and Jean be leaving then?" Eren whispers, glancing around. I shrug, a card game could go on for hours, unless it was all a cover of course. I then notice Eren yawn, and Mikasa hold onto his arm. I frown at them and touch Eren's cheek, there's a slight blush still there.

"What's wrong Eren? You seem very worn out."

"I'm just tired. Like I said, a lot of questions." He waves his hand, but Mikasa looks at me gravely. Her own face is worn, and I'm sure I see bruising under her eyes. I was worried sick about my plan failing; but I bet I could barely imagine the fret occurring in the manic mind of Mikasa. She worried if Eren got a paper-cut.

"He hasn't had a moment of peace since we got here, it's like he's a circus freak to them or something. No one asked about Trost, or mentioned his achievements, they all just grilled him on nonesense. I think we should head back to the rooms." She suddenly yawns as well, clearly worn out from worrying too much. I then see Jean yawn, I'd need to get him a damned coffee clearly.

"I'll head up with you, get out of this garb and get ready for the next stage. Come on, you need to rest up Eren. Not that you're needed in the next bit of the plan, but I want to know you're sharp in case anything goes wrong." I help Mikasa lead him towards the staircase, but she's looking my way with a frown. "What's up Mikasa? You don't look happy."

"What could go wrong?"

"It's my plan, almost everything." I sigh, and we begin on the stairs.

A small group of men is heading back down, presumably heading for the card game, I shift over to the side, as much as I can without dropping Eren. They'd both slowed up so much though that I need to dart behind them to let the group past. I didn't know what was going up but Eren, Mikasa, and Jean were all practically asleep on their feet. It had been a taxing night, but we'd done far more vigorous things out in the field. I wait till the last man has passed, and make to catch up with the sleepy trio, but my wrist is grabbed and I turn to a sneer that makes my stomach churn.

"Such a lovely lady, won't you join us in the card room for some drinks?"

"I'm good thanks, let go please."

"Now, now, don't be like that."

"I can be a lot worse, unhand me." I hiss, patience officially worn through. But he begins to pull harder; the lobby is deserted, and I feel a tingle of tiredness flicker in the back of my own mind. This was wrong. I look up at Mikasa, who looks terrified all of a sudden. She can tell something's up, as well.

"Mikasa, get those two out of here!" I snap, and she nods, wrenching the two sleepy men up the stairs as fast as she can. She'd get them somewhere safe. But then again, I still don't understand why we're all sleepy. I turn, ready to block any of this group that try to go after them; they had to be after Eren. But none of them even move. They just continue to sneer. I tug my hand, but the brute hauls me down to his step, and pushes me the rest of the way down. Marble is not soft. That is for damned certain. I land in a heap on the lobby floor, lip bleeding, bones aching, and temper flaring. I get up, ready to fight them as best I can, but groan as someone jabs me with something. I turn but they're gone, a flash of white being the only thing I see, was it a cape? Or a dress? I stumble a little, but hold myself up by the wall.

The door to the card room is suddenly flung open, Erwin and Levi come storming out with Keza right behind. She grabs onto Erwin, and helps him stand, she's saying something, blagging some bullshit as she moves him away down a corridor. Towards an exit with any luck. This was a trap, and it was turning ugly. She shoots me a desperate look, but I can't read her signal, I can barely see her any more. The dark smudge that I assume to be Levi comes towards me, and holds onto my arm tightly.

"Robyn we need to get out… our food was… nngh… shit…" he falls to his knees, panting heavily as he tries to fight whatever they had dosed us with. I guess they had to inject me with something, as I didn't eat much. I cling to him and try to get him up, but he's growing weaker by the second. Erwin and Keza are nowhere to be seen, long gone hopefully. I grit my teeth, let go of Levi, and stand in front of him protectively. The room swirls.

"Robyn run… please… _please_ …" he mumbles, his hand having gripped my leg, to only slip down to the floor. But my legs are giving in, and my knees crack off the cold floor as a group approaches us. What the hell was this? I scramble back from them, hearing weird laughter echo all around the stone walls as I get to Levi's side. I can see barely a thing; just shapes and colour. I just turn and cling to Levi's coat; what was happening? At this close proximity, I can make out his panicked face. He stares at me, seemingly unable to move otherwise. I feel tears spill from my eyes as my arms falter, and I lose my grip, falling to lie completely flat next to him.

"Levi… I'm sor…"

My world turns black and I feel nothing.

* * *

 **I am such a dick for cliffhangers... sorry! So yeah, after all that worrying, her plan never even happened anyway! Typical!**

 **Hope you enjoyed, see you next time! Leave a fav, follow or review, all are appreciated and loved by me!**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	21. Remember

**Hey there! SO yeah, my impatience got the better of me again!**

 **I also felt a LITTLE guilty about ANOTHER cliffhanger, so.. yah... early update!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Attack on Titan.**

 **Warning: Intense stuff, and definite triggers, basically this is a very unpleasant set of events... sorry?**

* * *

My head is groggy, and I groan against the weight that seems to be pressing down on me. What the hell? It feels like I got absolutely wrecked the night before. I don't remember doing so, but then again that was a common symptom of getting wrecked. I'd been at a party, I remembered that much, but it's still fuzzy. I rub my eyes, and try to stand, but a hand pushes me back down. I bristle but as soon as I hear his voice I'm calmed. A little.

"Stay still, brat. And stay calm."

Well that's a sure-fire way of making me fly into a blind panic.

Blind.

I can't see.

My heart begins to race but I just focus on his words. Stay calm. I could do that. If I tried my hardest. His hand goes up, and down my arm, gentle, soothing. I relax a little, giving a careful nod. We were both at the party, so was everyone else… the mission. I tense. Where the hell were we now? Where was everyone else?

"W-What's going on Levi?"

"Soon as I figure that out, I'll let you know."

"Okay…"

"I woke up about an hour ago. But I have no fucking idea where we are. Or how long we've been here… don't suppose you remember anything after the banquet?"

"Nothing… just there, then here, wherever here is… um… and why is it, I can't see?"

"It'll pass." He sits closer to me and puts an arm round me. I tense even more. He grips my shoulder tightly. "What is it? Are you hurt? There's no blood but—"

"N-No," I shuffle away from him a little. "But if we don't know where we are, or who's got us, should you be that clos—"

"If someone's planning on doing something to us, they already know. Why else put us together?"

"Good point."

"Thanks, now stop being an idiot, and let me hold you? I don't know what's happening, but it can't be good." He mutters, and I angle myself towards him, resting my head on his chest as I wind my arms round him. I hold as tightly as he does. He kisses the top of my head, and I feel fear swamp my mind. So much affection felt wonderful, and certainly helped with the fear that came with the blindness, but it also made my heart stutter. It was like he was preparing for a farewell.

"Levi…"

"I love you, brat."

He says it like he's saying goodbye.

I blink as tears form, my vision is beginning to return. I sit up, and watch his face become clear bit by bit. It's blank, expect the slight raising of his brows. He's scared too. I want to berate his pessimism, but I know it's pointless. I have no reason to assure him of anything. I swallow my harsh words, and blink till I can see him clearly. This was a bad dream. I'd wake up any second, and start babbling to him about it in the dark. He'd groan, and roll over, covering his ears with the pillow. I'd wake up any second. Wouldn't I? The seconds slip by, and I feel myself very much in the waking world. Shit.

"I love you too." And I kiss him, carefully at first, but as we hear doors open from far off, I become insistent. Whatever this was, it couldn't be good, he was right. The footsteps grow closer, and I kiss him harder. He grabs the back of my neck and holds strong, fighting against the hands suddenly on us, trying to pry us away. Don't leave me. My shoulders are wrenched back, dragging me away as I kick out, and reach for him.

"Levi!" I scream, hauling my shoulder away from one, and punching out at the other. I get a couple steps away when my knees are kicked out, and I land in the dirt again. They clamp down on me, three of them now. A stick whacks my back, and I topple into the dirt. I look up blearily to see Levi being held down by seven men, and they only barely manage it then. He's staring over at me, straining to get to me, with gritted teeth and a murderous rage in his eyes. But as our gazes meet, we both know this is pointless.

Suddenly he's injected with something.

What the hell was this?

"Don't give them anything, Robyn! They'll just kill you! Just—agnh." He groans, being flung into the dirt like me. Only he isn't trying to get up. What the hell had they done? There's another shove against my shoulder, but now the footsteps are receding. My captors flee. As long as they were gone, that was the main thing. I ignore my fresh bruising, scramble to my feet, and run over, skidding down by his side.

He lies on his back, hands digging into the dirt as though trying to hold himself back from something. What had they done to him? His face is no longer a mask; that's well and truly broken. It's contorted in agony, and he breathes heavily through clenched teeth. I put a hand to his forehead, but withdraw my hand with a hiss, he's scalding hot. This wasn't good. I gasp as he suddenly grips my wrist, and looks at me with wild eyes. I'm not sure he can even see me as his eyes shine, the silver beginning to darken, and then glow a little. Glow?

"Hide." He growls, a shudder running through him.

"What?" I try, and get out of his grip, afraid of his crackling voice and strength all of a sudden. He's crushing my wrist without even realising. He just holds tighter, and I shriek as a bone cracks. "Levi please, what did they do? How can I help? Please, how do i—"

"Run."

"No! I won't leave you like this, are you fucking crazy?!"

"Run, Robyn, and kill me if you have to!"

"Wha—" and he hurls me at least five metres across the room.

My head's in a daze as I get to my feet. Only now do I properly see the room we are in. Its huge, like a strange arena, sand covers the ground and boulders are scattered around. The hell was going on? My head swims a little, and I grip it tightly. I had to get back over there; the stubborn ass needed my help. I turn to go back, but I stumble to a stop. He's staring over at me. Desperation is written all over his face. My heart aches, and I back away a little, shaking my head as I comply with his request to stay away. But kill him? Why would I need to—

His head snaps back, his spine arching as he howls into the air. It's like when he was being crushed in that Titan's hand. I can't stop staring. It's happening all over again. I feel like I'm going mad watching this.

And then he's gone.

I'm thrown backwards by Titan steam, hitting against a boulder to crumple to the floor in a confused mess. Titan steam? But Levi… Oh God no. Please.

I run a little further away, to hide behind a boulder. I stand, gathering both my breath, and scattered thoughts. Fear is flooding me, and I shiver despite the immense heat of the billowing steam. I was in a nightmare, only this time there was nowhere to wake to. Gradually the steam thins out, and all I can hear, except my own thrumming heartbeat, is loud, heavy breathing. Tears fall down my face, as I consider what is behind me. Come on Robyn, wake up, you crazy bitch. Levi would look at me like I was nuts, and we'd laugh about it over coffee in the morning. But as I keep hearing those heavy grunting breaths, I accept the fact I can't get out of this, that easily. This was real. I shakily move, and peer round the boulder.

I gape.

Levi in titan form was not something I'd ever considered possible.

Well, no one could call him short now.

Stood at twenty metres he stands still, and apparently calm. No longer was he a mere weapon, he was an entire battalion. His pale flesh tears in parts as it tries to stretch over the terrifyingly powerful physique. His hands end in hooked black claws, as though burnt and charred. A similar effect covers his eyes, as though his mask of composure had materialised. Much like Eren's Titan form, Levi's jaw has most of his teeth on show, except his are jagged like broken knives. His hair is much the same, if dishevelled; but as his silver pits scan the room I feel myself turn cold. Unbridled rage sears into me, the silver glowing eerily as we stare at each other.

Why the hell was this happening?

A roar emits from him, steam rising from his gigantic jaws as he flexes his huge claws hungrily. He then pauses, turns his body, and charges for me. I let instinct take over as I try to ignore his last words. _Kill me if you have to._

As I duck and dive, hiding amongst boulders as he tears around, growling and roaring all the while, I really doubt that I'll be able to kill him. I can't do as he says. I can't kill the man I love, can I? Then again, if the alternative was him killing me, could I abandon him to that kind of guilt?

Shit.

But really none of this matters, I have no weapon anyway.

Of course, as soon as I think this, I spot a set of gear in between some boulders. These bastards _wanted_ me to kill him? I lift the gear up and shake it, empty tanks. No. They wanted me to try, fail and die by his hands. His roaring continues, and I swallow my sobs. This was no time for crying, this was time to disappoint some sick bastards. I was used to using as little gas as possible, so this would be a challenge, but one I was prepared for. Perhaps I could do this, perhaps I could cut him out as he had done for Eren?

My hands shake a little.

Slowly I strap on the gear, and try to steady my hands. I could do this, I could save him. He's saved me in so many ways already, I owed him too much not to at least try. Another roar rises out of him, and into me. He sounds like he's in pain. I cringe but refuse the tears. They could come later. The quicker I got him out of here, the sooner I'd stop his pain. We'd go home. We'd find that small slice of happiness we shared. This would end bloody for those responsible. I draw my blades, and set out to save him. If I ever got hold of whoever was doing this? They'd rue the day they even thought of doing such a thing.

He's facing away from me, broad back rising and falling with each laboured breath. I swallow my fear, and I run. I jump up, and flip from a high boulder to gain momentum, firing as high on the wall as I can. But he's heard my wires, and he's on his way. Come on Levi, come back; don't abandon me, and I won't abandon you. His eyes burn with rage, and as his claw reaches out for me I give a shout, vaguely hoping my method with Eren might translate. It was only a slight hope though.

"Levi!" I howl, flipping back and feeling the heat radiate off his claws. He pauses. But that's all. No flash of recognition, no slow blink. But a pause is all I need. I land on his wrist, and run up his arm, firing my wire into his throat to act as an anchor. He cries out, and I feel it brand my heart, but on I go. I swing and flex, going round and slicing into the nape.

The beast jolts.

But it isn't deep enough.

I stare at the cut, a small flash of pale flesh exposed beneath. I was so close. But not close enough. I've failed. I've failed him again. Shit.

His claw catches me on my way round, and I feel myself go limp as I consider how badly I just fucked up. Of all the things I regretted in my life - that would end up high on the list. I'm so sorry Levi. How could I fail so horribly? You asked such a simple thing of me, but I still couldn't do it. I tried to do something else, but just fucked it up. I dropped the blades on impact, and stare up at him as he holds me out in front. I personally don't care if I live or die, I'd had a lot of joy these past few months, but I shudder as his grip tightens. My breathing becomes short. Don't kill me, don't do that to yourself. This will destroy him.

I can't fight them, the tears fall freely.

I lay a hand on his claw, and smile up at him as best I can.

"I'm sorry, Levi." But as his teeth come into reach he stops. He begins to shake. I look into those silver flames, and wonder if I see reason hiding there. "L-Levi?"

But then he jolts again, and falls to his knees.

I watch a white cloaked figure zip away, with the bruised and limp body of my captain. No, don't take him. Please? I reach out but can't say anything as I fall in the now empty husk of his Titan. As we descend to the ground, steam envelops me in pain, and I smash into the ground inside the burning fist. Once again my world goes black. I hope I don't wake up.

* * *

When I do wake, I'm in a small dark room. A bright light shines down on my head as I sit on my knees, hands bound behind my back. I breathe deeply, feeling the tears new and old across my face. I've been crying in my sleep. How pathetic. Clearly the after effects of my dress, were long lasting. I can't see anything beyond my pool of light, but slowly my eyes are adjusting.

Footsteps approach me, and I look up. I almost laugh, if it weren't for the confusion choking it. A man with a painfully bitter face stands with feet apart, one hand on his hip, and the other dangling by his side. Apart from his face, he is otherwise made to be identical to my Captain. The hell was this all about? I look beyond him, and into the gloom. My eyes continue to adjust till finally I can see the other end of the long room. I flinch. My Captain is sat in a similar position to me, only he's staring wide eyed. He looks badly beaten. Someone removes a syringe from his arm, and he shakes his head as though his vision is altered. I grit my teeth, the number of bodies I'd leave behind was beyond reckoning.

"N-no… bastards… let h-her g-go. Let her go! I w-won't do it… I _w-won't_."

At least he was alive? But the silly man was begging for my sorry life? He was Humanities strongest soldier. He was the priority in this scenario. But before I can make my own bargaining the man in front of me suddenly starts speaking loudly, imitating my Captain with eerie accuracy.

"I know you're her, bitch!" I barely register the words barked from him before his boot makes an impact deep into my stomach. I wretch, but thankfully don't vomit, just whimpering a little as I gasp for breath. "Stop lying! You killed them, it was all you!"

I don't understand what's happening, but the onslaught continues. His boot crunches into me repeatedly, and soon enough I taste blood. I look to my Captain but only see horrified confusion in his watchful face. This was sick. The script goes on and on, and occasionally they alter the method of punishment. I do my best, not wanting to give them the satisfaction, or torture Levi further, but eventually I succumb. As the whip lashes against my already bruised back, the flesh splits open, and I cry out. I scream. But then so does Levi. I hate myself.

"Stop. _Stop this!_ Let her go! Stop this, this isn't right. I won't do it. I don't believe it… I… I won't!" I look over, one eye still half able to see him. He leans forward, straining against his bindings as he tries to get to me. I then see the silver flash as another syringe is applied, he groans loudly, his head shaking from side to side. "No… no more… I-I can't think… no…"

"Shh, Levi, we're just helping you remember."

Remember?

As another lash catches my back I feel clarity strike my mind. Holy shit. For some deranged reason these maniacs were trying to convince Levi that I was someone… I listen as the script continues. I'd supposedly killed someone. I was lying. I was her. Who the hell was her? I grit my teeth as the whipping quickens, and then finally they say the damned name. Annie Leonhart. I shudder.

They were trying to convince him that I was the Female Titan - not Annie.

That I had killed his team – not Annie.

That he hated me – not Annie.

That he wanted to kill me – not Annie.

That I have convinced the rest of the Surivey Corps that I was their ally. That I had framed Annie. I only know the rest as the script continues. What was the point though? I focus on the puzzle, it numbs the pain a little, and I can finally keep my whimpers under control. It doesn't help me, and it hurts him; just shut up woman!

When Levi can't take anymore he passes out, and is dragged away to let him sleep it off. They laugh as they drag him, muttering about his weakness, about their new toy. A couple times I almost manage to get up, and follow, but they just catch me and throw me to the floor. After four days, I stop trying to follow. I can't do anything but bleed all over him anyway. This ritual happens the same way, day in, and day out.

But whilst they leave Levi somewhere to sleep, readying him for the new day of mind fuckery, I am not permitted slumber. That's too good for me apparently. They spit at me, they continue the punishments, and they demand information. They ask about Erwin, about his plans, about Eren, and about his abilities. They want to know everything. About Mikasa, about her talent, and any weaknesses. They want to know the layout of HQ, and where we were now holding Annie, they want to know anything, and everything that I do.

But I give them nothing.

I blabber on about nonsense; telling them all about the pixie infestation, and Erwin's terrible habit of riding on unicorns whilst the rest of the cadets get high from smoking Titan bones. Soon enough they realise they aren't going to get anywhere, so they soon stop asking. They still beat me, and deprive me of decent rest, but their incessant questions subside. I ask why they're keeping me alive, I ask what they want. But understandably they're as tight lipped as myself. They clearly want to finish building these memories, whatever they're for. But I'm certain as soon as they're done with that they'll kill me. If that means they can't use me to hurt him anymore? Fine. Kill me.

After what feels like weeks, if not months, of this routine, I'm carried out of the small dark room. It's the first time they've moved me, and I groan a little as they drag me along, feet scraping on the floor. Eventually we each a set of cells, and I'm left to dwindle in a pool of my own blood. My hands, and feet are unbound at last, and I sprawl them out a little. Enjoying the slice of freedom, but cringing against the cuts clustered at each wrist, and ankle.

I lie there, and listen to my rattling breaths, they'd definitely broken the ribs this time. Much more of this, and they would successfully puncture my lung. I cringe against the idea of them making Levi watch that, blood bubbling up my throat as I drown in my own fluids. I look around from my place on the floor, but there's nothing to use. The only real option was to thrash myself against the floor till it punctured through. Otherwise it was a time-bomb waiting to torture him some more.

I sigh.

I hate to admit it, but I had noticed the lessening of his concern during their torturing of me. During the playout of each 'memory'. I feared this was working. Whatever they were planning, it was getting off to a good start. Then again, that also meant it was hurting him less when they continued butchering me. That was something. Yet, I also had to admit, I was starting to hope they just got it over with, and finish me off. I couldn't take much more of this punishment. My body could only lose so much blood, and endure so much pain before giving in.

Surely?

But then I grit my teeth against this weakness, this was their doing. I had to let Erwin know what was happening, I had to warn them, that these people were messing with Levi's mind. I didn't know how it played into the Corps, but it had to be to bring it down.

Whatever this was, I had the feeling it was more than a sick game. But I also had to hold onto him. He could still come back. I couldn't abandon him. Not now.

But my brain wouldn't work.

Why was this being done?

How would it work?

"Don't suppose you feel like talking today sweetheart?" that cold woman's voice filters through into my cell. I curl my arms, and legs back into my body a little. She waits for a response, but I just spit towards the door. "Didn't think so… you know, all you're doing is hurting yourself."

"Pretty sure that's what you bastards have been doing, actually." I croak, and she laughs softly. I shiver a little harder.

"One life is but a distraction in the grand scheme of things. You are a tool."

"Right back at you."

"You really won't give us the information we seek?"

"You really won't let me, and Levi go?" I hiss through bloodied teeth, and her glasses flash in the lantern's light. She never enters the cell, just spits venom through the bars. I didn't know who she was, I hadn't seen her face. But I'd remember that voice. I'd remember it till the day I finally found her, and made her pay. A long sigh leaves her, and I tense a little, it was too soon for another round to begin. It was too soon. I'm shivering all over.

"Very well… boys? Carry on, if you must."

I shift across the floor as best I can, but I refuse to voice my shrieks. This was a sick tactic, but I wasn't about to sell my regiment, no matter what they threatened me with. Three guys walk in, their shapes dark smudges in my bleared vision. But I blink hard, I had to see their faces. I had to know who to kill. Who to make suffer. The shadows haven't bothered me the entire time I've been in captivity; I think this place is too dark, even for them. But right now I wish they would, I wish they'd crash around me, and distract me from this fresh hell. Two of the men walk round, and hold me down by my shoulders, the third standing by my feet but out of kicking range.

"I can kinda see why Levi's so attached to you. Nice piece of ass. Seems a shame to waste it, leaving you all alone in here."

"Can I give you some advice?" I hiss, voice like knives as it cuts into the gloom of my cell. I look up through a curtain of hair, and give a broad smile, he's still smirking, but that scraggly beard is trembling a bit. "You better make sure I'm _completely_ dead once you're done."

"The fuck you talking about, bitch?"

"If I have even a _tiny_ bit of strength left? I'll hunt you down, and kill you like the rats you are. Only I'll do it slow. Real slow."

They push me down, and hitch my legs up. I kick out, and snarl at them, but they just hold me down tighter, and I gasp against their rough disregard for my other wounds. I hear a zipper lower. There's a lump in my throat. I want to scream, to beg, to howl out for help, but I know it won't do a damned thing except make their dicks harder. So instead I do the only thing I can. I stare up at one of the bastards holding my shoulders down, and keep my disturbing grin in place.

"I'll take the bluntest knife I can find, and peel your little pricks back to the bone. I'll feed you the little shreds of flesh, and watch you choke on them. That's when I set fire to your saggy little beanbags, and then shove those down your throat too."

"Just shut the bitch up would, ya? She's totally killing my boner here."

"I wondered if me not feeling anything was testament to your miniscule manhood, fucker."

"Shut it bitch. Just shove your dick in her mouth, that'll shut her up."

"I wouldn't—"

I clench my teeth as I feel him force his way inside. My body convulses from the pain, his greasy hands holding onto my hips, and bruising them as he pleases himself, little grunts emitting with each sickening thrust. My breathing hitches as I bite back my pain-filled screams. Tears leak down from my eyes, and I simply thank whatever God there was, that they weren't making Levi watch this. The prick holding my left shoulder lets go once the bastard ploughing into me has taken residence on top of me. I take the small opportunity, and grab at my bed-buddy's throat with my suddenly free hand. Tearing cloth, and flesh can be heard. He shrieks and falls back, leaving only pain behind.

"Crazy bitch!" he howls, and I laugh weakly as I feel a lump of skin in my hand. He'd stolen something from me, so it only seemed fair that I'd done the same. "She's torn my damn jugular!"

"Big word for you. Pipsqueak." I hiss as he scrambles away, and the other two look amongst themselves, and then to me with indecision. I try, and swallow my sobs as I meet their beady gaze, and lick my teeth slowly. "You put yourselves anywhere near me? I'll bite them clean off. And that's a fucking promise."

Amazingly enough they drop and run.

The cell door slams shut, and I'm left in the dark again. My first reaction is to laugh, to be thankful the damage was minimal, and they didn't get very far. But as silence retakes the small cell, and I consider that no one is there to listen, I slowly feel the laughter melt into sobbing. I curl into a ball, and tug my torn shirt down so it covers me as best it can.

My mind whirls, the sickening images haunting me as I gasp at the stale air.

I'm sorry Levi, I tried to stop him.

I hear grunting as someone is restrained, and my name breaks through occasionally. No. No, please just allow me that much. I peer out from under my hair, my tears making my eyelashes stick together as I hide here. A pair of pale grey eyes make me tense, and I see him grip the bars of the cell, wanting to rip them clean out the wall. I don't think they'd completely erased his concern. And now I wish they had. His eyes just stare down at me, head shaking back forth as he grits his teeth, racked sobs escaping.

A hand pats his shoulder, cold voice smooth as ever, unmoved by his plight.

"You see Levi? This is what you let us do to her. Remember."

"N-No…" he chokes, slurred and coarse as he grips the bars and rattles them. My heart burns. This woman wasn't human. I tug my shirt lower, my breathing becoming thinner as I try and think of what to do.

"Just remember this when the time comes. You let us do it didn't you? Hm? You were too weak to save her."

" _No_ … R-Robyn… please… j-just l-let her g-go… _please_ …" he slides to the floor, hand reaching through shakily, dropping to the ground a moment later as he continues to shake his head against the memory being burned in there.

I don't know what the game is right now, but I know I can do nothing but make it worse.

If I reach out, and say his name? He'll think I'm pleading with him to save me.

If I ignore him? He'll think I hate him.

So I push my hair back, and smile as best I can, lips still wobbling with my crying.

"I love you, Levi." But half way through my words he's hit on the back of the head, and sent slumping to the floor. For just a moment, as he heard my voice, a small smile had broken through the pain. I'd managed to give him a small reprieve? I hold onto that idea. A tutting noise comes from the cold woman, and then Levi is dragged away.

"Now, now deary. He's ours. Can't have you—shit. They're here."

The glasses disappear, and I lay my head back down; body, heart, and mind spent. Weird echoes are going around, but I just ignore them, and focus on my breathing. I may actually get some sleep this way. He was still alive at least. But the way he gripped those bars. I gag a little at the fact he'd seen it all. He'd heard it all. His grey eyes were so wide, I wonder whether or not it would be better if he wasn't still alive. Whatever they were doing, it was destroying him.

I then gasp as the door is thrown open, and whacks off the wall.

Not again.

I scramble back, screaming as my resolve breaks into a thousand pieces. I can't take it. I'm done. I can't fight this.

"Stay the fuck away from me! No! Please! Don't!"

The figure rushes in and grabs my flailing arm, I shriek as something is stabbed into my flesh, and I feel it grow tingly. More drugs? I claw at them, catching cloth, and a little flesh I think. There's shouts echoing down the halls.

Can I hear gunshots?

Was that Commander Erwin's voice?

"Erwin! C-Commander!" I scream, throat burning as the noise rips out of me. The figure injecting me gives a huff, and throws me back down into my blood. I slowly lose strength, my screams dying down to incoherent moans. I lay there at the foot of my so called bed, battered and bruised in only my small tattered shirt. Covered in the marks of their various tortures, and still bleeding. I must have looked barely human anymore. I definitely didn't feel it.

The figure pats my head.

"Can't you remembering our fun times now can we? This needs to all be a fun surprise. Sleep well." I hate to give into it, but sleep is dragging me along, feet scraping on the cold hard ground.

I had to remember.

I had to warn them.

I had to remember.

I had to save him.

Shit… what was I meant to remember?

Through the haze I hear a bang. I hear shuffling. I hear vaguely familiar voices. But I can't respond, or even move. Is it a drug, or is it the fact I feel like I've lost half if not more, of my blood? I don't know. I hear another bang, like my cell door opening again. And then there's a pause.

"Bastards… filthy fucking bastards."

Someone picks me up, cradling me to their chest as they walk in long strides. I smile internally; Levi found me, wherever the hell I was. He was taking me home. Or had he just found me stinking drunk somewhere? I can't remember what's happening, my mind won't let me settle on anything. But there's a lot of pain. Too much pain. Levi holds me close, and begins to run.

"Cadet Sanshi it's all right, we have you, you're going to be fine."

That isn't Levi's voice.

Why is the Commander carrying me?

Where the hell was Levi?

I groan as my head aches, what was it I last remembered? I'm wearing a ball gown, and Levi's hand is on my leg, slowly slipping off as he falls asleep. We were caught. At the banquet? So my plan never even happened, but then where was Levi now? I had been with him… that feels right anyway. So what was…

"Just breathe Cadet, we're going to get you out." I try, and respond to the Commander, his kind words making me feel safe. But I can't. I don't know if I'm even properly conscious.

"Just stay with us. Please. You can do this, I _know_ you can."

I focus on his sentiment, and cling to what little consciousness I have. It takes a while but soon I feel cold air swirl around us, and he gives a gentle squeeze to me before laying me down. The cold hard wood of a wagon is beneath me. A cape is draped over me as I shiver violently, and careful hands tuck it round me, stroking my hair back from my face as the wagon begins to move. But no one speaks. No one speaks for a long time. Eventually I hear horse's hooves running up to the wagon, and unintelligible cries till a pair of feet land in the wagon as though jumping from a horse.

"Robyn?… oh Robyn…" my heart swells as I hear Eren's voice, he sits down next to me and runs careful fingers across my cheek. I hear a sniff. "What have they done to you? We'll get you home, don't worry, I'm watching over you…" I hear another sniff, and he takes my hand in his, pressing wobbling lips there. "Unlike before… shit… I'm so sorry Robyn… please don't hate me. I promise I won't let anything happen to you… never again…"

He lies down and begins to cry into my hair, begging for me not to hate him. Begging me to wake up. Begging me to live? But I can't really remember why I would hate him, or whether my injuries are really that severe. Something had gone wrong with the plan of mine, that much was clear. But I highly doubted it had been because of Eren. I feel content that he's just being an idiot. I want to roll over, and tug him close, to shush his cries and assure him I was fine. But what I really wanted to know was how Levi was doing. They'd presumably put him in a different cart. The one thing I could definitely recall was that I'd been with Levi wherever I had been. And this was clearly a rescue. So for whatever reason they'd had him separate.

Come on Eren, talk to me about Levi. Is he okay? Is he better or worse than me? Was I to blame for us being captured? Of course I was. I groan as I accept the fact this was probably my fault. There's a fluttering of hands, the groan having been audible, but nothing else. I try and sleep. We were going home, and I couldn't move anyway. Everything could be seen to once I could ruddy move. Everything would be fine.

* * *

 **To the 'guest' who was so encumbered by feels, i apologise, i am a little vindictive with such things! And thanks for the editorial note, I shall get to that when I can. Majorly busy atm, so Grammar and me are having a full on fall out. Lovers tiff if you will.**

 **MrsMichealis: I love your reviews! XD make my day each and EVER time. Such dishonor, and I don't even own a cow - nice reference btw ;)**

 **Frejya: I really am mean with cliffhangers... I really am... but they are SO MUCH FUN! Muhahahhhaa.**

 **Anyway, see you next time! Hope you... enjoyed?**

 **Leave a review, favourite and or follow :D plenty more to come.**


	22. Walls

**Hello again reader, so here we go! Prepare yourselves I guess...?**

 **:D hope you're still enjoying despite the onslaught of feels!**

* * *

I sit in Erwin's office whilst Hanji replaces a bandage round my arm. She takes her time, being careful to not further disturb the stitches I'd ripped out whilst working. The alcohol stings, but I just stare at Erwin as he continues his speech. His eyes watch me closely, but I just stare back blankly. I can't even pretend to care what contrived bullshit he's spouting. They tried, they almost had him, but they couldn't get to him quick enough. The fresh bandage is pressed into place, and she begins to tie it off by my shoulder. The entire arm needed bound, being torn and lacerated all over. But I had to keep busy. I couldn't rest it, like she kept on repeating to me. It was the only thing stopping me from snapping. On and on he goes, reminding me to let myself heal properly. That I wouldn't do me, or anyone, any good by punishing myself. But I just stare, barely even bothering to breathe as I focus on maintaining composure.

This was bullshit.

They should've made time. They should have saved time by _not_ getting me.

He says that I am just as vital to the regiment. Fuck off. That was an outright lie.

They'd swapped Humanities Strongest, for Humanities most fucked up.

Hanji finishes her work, and flicks through her damned paperwork. Scribbles, and more scribbles about my condition; her damned physical had taken hours when I'd first got back. And for all that time, locked in a small infirmary room, they told me nothing. They sedated me, they studied me, and they lied to me. I look down at my healing hands, one remaining heavily bandaged. The blood isn't fresh anymore, it's caked on thick though, darkened as it hardens over my skin. I was here, walking around freely, whilst he remained god knew where, being submitted to god knew what. I grit my teeth; my memory refused to co-operate, only allowing me the odd snippet of an image, or inkling of emotion. Mainly it was swirls of shadows, bright lights, and the splatter of my own blood. And all I felt was fear, hate, and guilt. I was drowning in it. But it had been a week, and I had to pull myself together.

"Levi would want us to keep fighting."

That's when I lose it.

I stand, chair juddering backwards with the force, as I ignore Hanji's pawing hands trying to calm me down. I glare at Erwin, who remains calm, but I see his eyes scan over me, searching for new patches of blood where I've torn a stitch, or disrupted an injury. None of this matters though. Why the hell didn't they see that? I slam my hands against the desk, before throwing everything else off. I breathe heavily, eyes growing warm as I taste iron on my tongue.

"Leave us Hanji." He orders, and she scurries away, a small sniff sounding before she closes the door. Again, guilt swamps my mind. Now I had to apologise to her all over again. I dig my nails against the table-top as I try, and get a hold on my temper, as I try and rein in the beast of my fury. But it's awake now, and I'm choking as it strangles me with its leash.

"Sanshi I—"

"Don't you _dare_ sit there and talk like he's—Like he's- he's…" I gag on the word, a hand to my mouth as I shake my head away from the idea.

But there it is.

Centre and present; looming over me as I hear my own stubborn heartbeat thunder in my ears. I hear Erwin push his chair back, but I can't stand it, I can't stand his sympathy, or his kindness. His compassion is killing me. I stumble a little, but manage to back away when Erwin reaches out.

" _He's not_. He-he can't be d-d—" I gag again, and feel Erwin pull me into his arms. But as I feel the warmth, the strength, the reassurance… I can't fight it. I can't fight against him. I swallow my sobs, but I let my scattered mind focus on his strong heartbeat. The shadows can't be beaten now, but for this small moment, they can be kept at bay. Sniggering at my feeble mind.

"I don't think he's dead either Sanshi. But we can't just sit by, and wait for him to return."

I know he's right.

I know it, and I hate it.

We could do nothing but wait, but we had to keep busy.

I had to keep busy.

I nod as he holds me, waiting for the shivering to subside. All the while, I haul my walls into place. It was the only way I was going to be able to function, to let these damned wounds heal, to let the memories come back on their own accord. It's hard, and I can feel my heart flinch as the air is sucked out. But it had to be done. If I didn't fasten these walls into place, and slam the lid down, I'd lose it. Then their rescue really would have been in vain.

This was exactly what he'd asked me not to do. In that small room, knelt before me as I sit, outright refusing treatment till they explained. I'd never seen Erwin look so guilty. I held onto the mattress, bracing myself for the worst; and yet his words exceeded my expectations. They had no idea if my Captain was alive or dead, they had no idea where he was, they had no idea what had become of him. Somehow it was worse than knowing he was already d—gone.

Apparently, it took so long to break through the building's guards, that when they finally did come across the cells, back-up was on its way to the building. They couldn't risk lingering. They had been about to give in, and leave, when Erwin heard my shouts. They found me; laying in a puddle of my own blood, unconscious and barely alive. But all they could do was grab me, and run. They had to fall back, or else risk losing more precious lives. But then Erwin reached up, and took my hand. It was such a simple thing, and yet it made my eyes warm with tears. He needed me to focus on the fact I had escaped, that I was vital to the regiment, just as much as Le- him. And then he begged. Erwin Smith, sat before me, and begged for me not to shut down. Not to smother my heart, but to focus on the mission at hand. To focus on the fight.

But I can't do that right now. My heart, and head are all over the place. I feel like the moment my mind lands on something concrete, an earthquake send sit toppling all over again. I can't keep feeling all this, or I'll burn out. Or I'll burn something.

"I'm sorry Erwin." I choke as I feel them seal into place.

"Shh Robyn please… just breathe…"

There was a lot I was sorry for: for failing to save my Captain, for not remembering what had happened, and now for doing the only thing I knew how to. Even at the start of our current conversation, he had noted how thankful he was to see I wasn't shutting down, that I wasn't running from this. But I'm too damn selfish not to, I had to run.

I had to keep it together for the regiment.

Didn't I?

When he's convinced I'm calm, he lets go, but when he looks down he tightens his hold on my shoulders. They no longer quiver. I slowly look up to meet his gaze, and I feel him shudder. Really, I don't know what else my Commander expected from me. An echo rumbles round my mind as the tomb seals shut. There's no way I can get through training, functioning, or even breathing if I let myself feel.

I'm cold, my fire suffocated as I let my nerves dim from fiery red to a black, icy steel.

"Sanshi?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Robyn…" he sighs heavily, putting his forehead to mine as he squeezes my shoulders. A faint ache appears in my chest, but I stamp it down, holding strong. Erwin stands straight, grazes a hand across my bruised cheek, and returns to his desk. Another heavy sigh leaving him.

"Shall I go about my daily duties, sir?"

"Carry on, Sanshi."

I leave the office, and walk along to the training grounds to begin my teaching duties. We had fresh recruits, they'd joined us since I'd been gone. It was time they started learning the ropes. I stand before them, and greet them briefly before outlining the exercise. They all stand shuffling about, dodging my eye and looking at each other. They're just kids. I wonder if I looked that young when I signed up. All I remember is this big sense of purpose. Little did I know I'd ruin it for the rest of humanity in such a small space of time.

I grit my teeth.

Stop that, you idiot.

Get on with your damned job.

I bark my orders, and watch them fail miserably.

It takes all day, but they're starting to get the hang of our more involved techniques on the 3DMG gear. And a few have even got the knack of my ability to waste less gas. I send them packing, instructing them to properly maintain their gear, or face the wrath of Mikasa next week on inspection. This makes them quicken their pace. I watch them leave, and look at the treeline, remembering how I stood here, beneath the baking sun as I gave my first instruction. My little dance, my confidence. Little echoes of memory, and nothing more. I sigh and head for the stables, someone will have already attended to the horses, however I knew it would need redoing.

It always did.

As the sun begins to set, I'm brushing down horses, staring at the brush, trying to ignore the blood that has begun to flow a little as I step towards a jet-black stallion. This one had a very specific rider. Only now, he would either be left stationary, or have to learn a new masters hold.

The blood bubbles.

I hear someone enter, but I just continue my work. Only two more horses to do, then I could head for bed. And not sleep a wink.

"You weren't on stable duty." It's Eren's voice, but I can't look at him. He sighs; pity, and concern radiating out into the room as he approaches. I grit my teeth harder. He couldn't just leave me be could he? I swallow my words, and tighten my grip on the brush.

"I'm happy to help."

"It's time for Dinner."

"I'll be there in a minute."

"It started two hours ago."

"Not hungry."

"Would you at least look at me?" he's right behind me. I can feel him looming there; tall and protective as he watches me. I can feel his breath against the back on my neck, and I can sense his want to hug me, to force all of it out. But I deny it. I deny him. I stop and turn, porcelain mask in place. The blankness of my face clearly scares him, but I don't have the capability to comfort him right now. He'd have to wait like everyone else, till I got a grip on my moronic self.

"I'm looking at you." I look him from his toes, to his nose, remaining completely stoic all the while. He gulps. "Satisfied?"

"Not exactly." He answers, running a hand through his hair. But when I make to turn back to my task, he grabs my arm, not allowing me my refuge. Under his shining gaze, I found it exceedingly difficult to hold those walls in place. They always crumbled a little near him. But I couldn't let them, I couldn't let myself ask him to help shoulder this shit. He was wonderful, but he didn't deserve such punishment.

"Come on, Robyn, snap out of it."

"I'm fine, Eren."

"I thought it was just the pain at first, but you've started to heal, most of the worst wounds are sealed. So this… this is all in your head."

"There's a lot in my head."

"You need to come back."

"I'm just doing my job, Eren."

"I didn't think you were going to be the type to fall apart." He watches, but when I don't react with more than a shrug, I think I see something break inside him. Was he just trying to provoke me into caring again? Get my pride all blustering, and get a reaction. Sorry kid, I was better at this than you. His shoulders sag a little, and I don't think he quite comprehends the lengths I'm going to, in order to remain a fairly stable cadet. If he kept pushing, I'd end up a jabbering wreck, sobbing and snivelling into the ground. Pathetic.

"I'm _fine_."

"And I'm a fucking priest." He growls, and I just shrug again.

He could believe what he liked.

It was this, or I really would fall apart. And it wasn't because I missed Levi. That was part of it, of course. But really, what had me toppling like this, was that I'd been reminded, yet again, that essentially I let those around me down. I destroyed things. I maimed them, and cast them into the dirt.

Only one memory had fully surfaced.

One clear memory I had managed to claw back, was his simple request. All he had asked me to do was kill him. I didn't really understand why he would have asked such a thing of me, but still… Had I managed that, 'they' wouldn't be doing fuck knows what to him now. I know for certain I didn't fulfil his request, because every time I think back to his words, I remember the outrage, the disgust, the denial.

I was too fucking selfish to save him.

But the incessant determination won't leave; Eren is just standing there. He's waiting for an explanation, for a break in my mask, for a lamenting speech. I'm too tired for this shit. I sigh, and peer over my walls, fingers shaking as I haul myself up. His eyes soften as he sees me try.

"I need time to deal with this Eren. I'm just trying… trying to keep a lid on things. Essentially you lot saved the wrong person, okay?" Already I'm shivering violently. Anger sparks in those emerald pools, and he grips my shoulders, doing a small double-take as he feels my convulsions.

"But that's not true—!"

"Agree to disagree! Look… the only thing I can remember clearly, is him asking me to kill him. And I failed… Eren, I…" I swallow the gag reflex. "I don't know what to do, other than stay busy, and keep these walls in fucking place."

"But… Robyn…"

"D-Do you know what I should do, Eren?" I whisper, looking up at him. He frowns, and shakes my shoulders just a little.

"Let me help you?" he begs, before letting go, and holding his arms out, a small smile peeking onto his lips. "Trust me to be able to?"

I hesitate.

The walls groan, dust appearing as cracks appear, widening as my heart longs for the contact. For the safety. His sincerity, and his need, they're both so strong. I draw a long, and shaky breath, allowing a little breathing room in my mind. With trembling hands, I reach up and wrap my arms round his neck, holding tight as I feel my nerves glow a little. They burn.

"I'll t-try…" I gasp, and he nods into my hair, running a pattern against my back as he holds me close. His heart is racing, whilst my own is galloping away on its own accord. "But Eren… I need you to understand. I can't promise anything, not anymore."

"It's a start." He hugs me even tighter, lifting me and walking off. At first I think to object, to cling to my duties, and immerse myself in manual labour as I had planned. But he's too warm. He's too forgiving. Dammit, I was going straight to hell. My selfishness knows no bounds. I'm suspended several inches from the ground, feet dangling awkwardly, but I don't fight it. I just breathe him in. I had to try. I had to try, and trust him. He had trusted me so well, so many times.

We say nothing.

We don't need to.

I don't notice till I'm dropped into a seat, but he's taken me through to the mess-hall. Sneaky little fuck. There's a tray of food in front of me, but it makes me queasy. I visibly wretch a little but no one says anything. They're taking this slow. They're scared they'll spook me like a rabbit. In all honesty they might. I'm as unsure as they are.

A familiar hand, bearing a red ribbon round the wrist, pushes the tray away and shoves a tumbler of liquor under my nose instead. It's a hand that knows me better than my comrades, it's a hand that's bound many a wound of mine, and helped lift me out the gutter many a night. The hand of my past, the hand of my friend.

I jump a little.

"K-keza?"

"Heya numbnuts." She chuckles, sitting back in her chair with a small wave.

The rest of the guys are all looking amongst themselves with a little hope. I just stare at Keza though; she's wearing civvies, but like no one else can. So much beauty in one woman was frankly just unfair. But she holds no arrogance, she simply smiles from ear to ear at me; dark hair pulled into a tie, tanned skin glowing against the lantern light. I loved my comrades, but right now, Keza made me feel a little human for a moment.

"Y-You're here…"

"Nah, you've finally gone doolally, and you're imagining me!" she throws her arms around, all wavy as she holds her mouth in an 'o' and waggles her eyebrows. I roll my eyes at her, it had been so many years, and yet she was still my Keza. I wonder if I was still her Robyn.

"I always did have a good imagination…"

"True… glad to see Titan boy managed to get through to you though, was wondering when we'd finally get our wee reunion. Didn't want to spook you though, send your wee tail between your legs." She grins, her freckled nose crinkling. I throw my arms round her neck, and hold tight, feeling a few stitches pop open in the process. But ultimately I can breathe a little easier. She pats my back lovingly. "All right, all right, no need to jump my bones. C'mon love, have a drink. Settle those stupid nerves, then try some food."

"When did you get so bossy?"

"Since you needed telling. These lovely folks have been regaling me with all your shenanigans. You've been a busy wee nutter of a fucker haven't you?" she laughs, throwing her head back. All the decorum, and poise of the banquet was lost now. If I hadn't been there to see it myself, I'd have doubted it ever even occurred. She's so unruly, so wild, and so extremely unmilitary. I wonder if this is how odd I'd looked when first arriving. Was this strange, exotic creature how he had seen me that first day?

I down my drink; walls, kindly do your fucking job.

"I see you still drink like a bitch."

"Learned from you. " I nudge her, and she puts the bread under my nose. I gag.

"Don't be a pussy."

"I'm seriously not hungry."

"Bullshit, but I ain't force feeding ya. Hey, Quiet Girl? She normally this picky about food?" I give Mikasa an apologetic look. She smiles at me, and just shakes her head at Keza. I wonder what other names my friend has oh-so-creatively conjured up. How long had she even been here? How long had I been gone again? Two months was it?

"How long have you been here Keza?"

"Since the banquet, came back with this bunch."

"Eager, aren't you?"

"Chomping at the bit. You know me, love a bit of dirty military men." She chuckles, and winks at a very pink Connie. "But in all honesty, Robyn, it was that or be chopped up into little pieces. I rather showed my new allegiance by helping those gents into the card game, and then helping Mister Sexy Eyebrows to safety from the banquet."

"Where did you go?"

"Was heading for Kilan's, but then the quiet chick caught us, so we went with. All very simple. But really I don't think they were ever after any of us, not even Titanio over there." Keza says with a nod to Eren, who now also turns very pink. Whether it's because he's under her striking gaze, or because the kidnapping has just been mentioned again, I'm not sure. I wonder how much he actually blames himself. I sigh a little, I'd have to speak to him about it. Eventually. I get a nudge to my arm, and smile as best I can, at the prying face of my childhood friend.

"So you just upped, and left your home in the city?"

"Come on Robyn, you know how it is. No point in calling a building home, it's all about the people you're stuck with. Plus Mister Sexy Eyebrows was _most_ welcoming. Such a gent… such a great ass…"

"You seriously need to learn some names, Keza." I groan, smiling at her coarse speech. I could just imagine Erwin's blush at such a name. The idea of the poised Commander, having any kind of conversation with my slack-jawed feisty friend, made an almost proper smile break out on my lips. It would be a funny scene to behold.

"Why? He doesn't seem to mind, do you Sweet-Cheeks?"

I look up with a fierce blush covering my face. There he is, well within earshot. Poor man. I nod, and give a meek wave. He nods at me, and raises a brow at my unruly friend.

"Would it matter if I did mind?"

"Probably not Sexy. I think my nicknames work. I mean there's Sexy Eyebrows, Quiet Girl, Titan Boy or Titanio, Baldy, Blonde Bombshell, Sassy Mule, Googoo Goggles, and the not present but oh so yummy, Sexy Scowl."

I'd followed her gaze, profusely apologising with my eyes to Erwin, Mikasa, Eren, Connie, Armin, Jean and Hanji. And then I flinch back like she just punched me in the throat. The room spins a little, and I wish there was more liquor in my glass.

"Oh don't worry love, I'll be making a move on Eyebrows, not your man." And as she wiggles an eyebrow at a blushing Erwin I focus on her confidence. There was no doubt in her voice, she really thought he'd be coming back from wherever he was. She sees my confusion, and rolls her sky blue eyes at me. "Come on honey, the way that man looked at you? Nothing'll stop him."

"It isn't just me he has to come back to Keza. It's the whole regiment." I stare at my hands, but she knows what I see, and she takes one firmly. I try, and ignore the squelching noise.

"They're clean Robyn, stop it."

"S-sorry…"

"Look… I know he has this lovely lot to come home to as well, I mean who wouldn't want to see those eyebrows again? Or that strangely permanent red scarf… but still, he's gonna come back. I know it. So you shouldn't doubt it."

"I'll try and keep that in mind, Keza."

"Be sure that ya do. And you lot, quit your fussing." She stands up, and ruffles my hair. "This head of hers will not be swayed. If she's set on freaking out, blaming herself, and dwelling over what happened back there, she has the stinking right to. Let her stew, and then be there when she needs cleaning up all right?"

They nod.

"Good, lovely chatting, but now then Eyebrows, could you show me where a girl can get a proper bath? I'm gagging for a proper soak." And without another word, she drags him away, nattering constantly, holding his arm tight. He glances my way, but I just shrug a little, unable to offer any help against the force of nature. Poor man, didn't stand a damned chance.

I look back at my hands, feeling the eyes of the group sidle back over to me. I flinch a little at their gazes. So far no one had had the nerve to ask what had happened, they'd seen the fresh scarring, they'd found out only I returned. But they didn't know anything else. Then again, neither did I. There were small glimmers, little shards of memory, but I can't be sure it's anything but dreams. I sigh, this would take time to be resolved, if it ever was. I look round with a carefully blank expression. This seems to worry them more.

"Guys… I know you're confused, and you have every right to want answers… but I don't have them." I stand up, and shrug away from the pawing hands. "I appreciate the concern but I need to figure this shit out. Like Keza said… I just… my head won't be swayed. I don't know what to do, and until I figure it out? You should really all just stay out the way."

I bid them goodnight, and make for the stairs to my room.

"But Robyn!" calls Eren, and I flinch a little as his voice rings out across the mess-hall. What a scene. "How long do we wait? I can't just let you fester in your own guilt, it isn't fai—"

"None of this is fair, Eren." I say, voice cracking as my eyes grow warm. "I'm stood here healing, and breathing, and walking around free. Whilst Le—whilst the Captain is fuck knows where, having… having _fuck knows_ what done to him. Just leave me be, Eren, save yourself the shitstorm." I shake my head, and swallow what sobs I can, running up the stairs as fast as my bruised legs will carry me.

Weeks pass. And they in turn become months.

Time is slipping past me, and all I can do is watch.

Over the next six months I kept those walls firmly in place. Occasionally peering over to enjoy a normal conversation, or to keep the irritation of Keza at bay. But ultimately I felt myself turning colder, turning to stone as I focused on the mission. On the task ahead. Of training new recruits, of keeping the HQ clean and orderly, of maintaining supplies, and horses.

My friends fussed, they objected, they worried.

But I had to keep busy.

* * *

 **Eren's POV**

I see her every day, and yet I feel like it's been six months since I knew her.

It's like she's a machine.

She gets up, barely eats, does her duties, washes, and sleeps. If she sleeps at all. Whenever I wander past her room, I hear mumbling, I hear shuffling. Occasionally I hear sobbing. But as soon as I reach for the door handle, the noises stop. She notices someone's shadow beneath the door, and seals those walls into place. Damn it… why could she trust me to help? Why couldn't I get through?

She managed to get through to me when I was in Titan form, overcoming the beast that lingered inside me. And yet I couldn't even contend with her when she's this broken. It makes me sick, and yet I know the harder I push, the further she runs away. This is so messed up.

We've been on two missions outside the walls so far. And each time? She's been magnificent. There's no fear there anymore, and as she whips through the air, I feel hollow as I realise why. She doesn't care what happens to herself anymore. She's trying to earn her right to freedom. She flies around, eyes dead as she slices away. I've lost count how many Titan's she's solo killed during those missions, but I know she's saved almost every rookie's life at least once. They call after her, with thanks and awe, but she just continues on. Not even a glance back. Her cape still steaming with the blood of her latest victim.

She's trying to replace him.

No… that isn't right.

She's trying to make up for the fact we lost our strongest.

I see Commander Erwin watch her, his usually composed face becoming more drawn each time he does so. It's like watching a father lose his child. Since when did the Commander care for her so much? I guess he'd already lost one close comrade, he wasn't so keen on losing another. Really I don't think he knows how to deal with this. He sees an animal in pain, and he knows it'll strike out if we attempt to approach. She'll just keep going till something stops her; be it the limits of her body entering into exhaustion at long last, or the clawing fist of a Titan.

I grit my teeth; no, that won't be her end.

I won't allow that.

But that outcome seems unlikely at this point. The way she flies; it's as quick as him, with less poise, but just as powerful. It takes more out of her though, that was for certain. On the ride homeward she nearly passes out, several times. But on she goes. Killing like some deranged avenging angel, shrieking as she ignores the protests of her withering body. It's taken all my willpower not to simply change, and remove her from the battle by force. But I know that's foolish. I know she'll just berate me, and then push herself harder. But I can't help but want to save her. I feel like I'm being forced to witness her death, but over the course of several months.

This can only end in blood.

Her blood.

Hanji keeps pulling her into medical check-ups, ensuring the wounds are healing, and bones resetting. But Robyn just keeps pushing too hard. She keeps spraining things, tearing stitches, and dislocating sockets. I'm beginning to wonder if she'll just crumble one day, like a statue chipped away by the wind and rain. I keep asking Mikasa and Armin what they think we should do. But they just sit there, both seeming to understand all this. Mikasa claiming empathy, knowing she would end up doing something similar, if I were to die, or be lost. And Armin? He makes me a little sick, the way he explains how he understands Robyn's actions. How all this is better than her raging out, or having another episode on the roof.

Like this is the better option.

I don't think I can take it much more.

Damn it Captain, you callous bastard, just come back already?

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, I guess things are going to be a little messy for the next chapter or so :P not that they haven't been for the past few as well! Sorry about that, I'm a bit malicious I guess... muhahaha?**

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	23. A Long Six Months

**Hello again readers, another installment for you :P**

 **As always, I do not own Attack on Titan, but I would like to add a wee apology to the grammar lovers out there. I realise I haven't made this apology before, and I also apologise for that** ** _slight_** **oversight. Grammar hates me, and I also hate Grammar. I try my best to edit, and re-edit, and get it all where it needs to go. But ultimately me and Grammar will never, ever, ever get along. So I hope it doesn't detract from your enjoyment of the story too much. But I wanted to say this 'oh god I'm so sorry' now, in case it's been grating on any of you, my awesome readers.**

 **But I digress. I'm a writer, not an editor (if ya hadn't guessed)**

 **Hope you enjoy this chapter! Let the feelage begin! (Oh god i didn't realise how awful that would sound, until i typed it... oh... that's hilarious)**

* * *

 **Robyn's POV**

Over the past six months we've had two successful missions. During which we've taken down plenty Titans, and amazingly enough I think we lost no more than ten rookies. That's still ten lives lost of course, but considering the old ratios, I'm willing to call those small victories. I think I helped. I hope I helped. The rookies are learning quickly, they're working hard, and listening to our words. It helps keep them alive. But still, I do my best to be there when they need me. Mostly I made it, pushing a little harder, a little faster. But really I can't be everywhere. I can't save everyone. I can't be as good as him.

Soon we'll have decent numbers for a full mission again. Despite my injuries, I'm keeping a decent pace, but still my slowness frustrates me. I need to be quicker. I need to be better. Somehow my blades just don't seem sharp enough, my movements not precise enough, and my efforts not quite good enough. My comrades claim me a machine, that I'm pushing myself too hard. Fools. Don't they know the momentous task before us? We have to keep fighting, we have to win. We have to keep the fire going.

When not on mission, I've trained with the rookies all day, every day. I teach them everything I could think to. I'd go clean the stables, then I'd make sure the perimeter was secure. I had to keep this place moving, I had to keep it functioning.

I kept moving, and kept my sanity stable to my best ability.

But when I slept, I had the nightmares. Unfortunately, like most, I have little control over my damned subconscious. So the dreams I can't do much about. I think I manage to keep the noise to a minimum, but most nights I'd see a shadow in the gap under my door, and clamp my hand over my mouth. I can't let them know. They had to believe in me. They had to trust I could do this. The sooner they did that, the sooner they'd stop their worrying, and the sooner I could just shut absolutely everything out. Under their watchful gaze I have to keep this shit going, and its wearing me out.

Eventually Eren snaps.

To be fair to the man, I probably would have snapped long before this point. I was amazed at his patience, but never voiced this. I couldn't really accept that it had been so long, half a year, despite the fact I was counting every day as another nail in the coffin of my ability to keep going.

It's just another normal morning, and I'm readying my horse for a perimeter check. The only thing out of the ordinary is Erwin's horse is already gone, but I figure he'll have headed to the city on business. As I finish saddling my steed, Eren appears. There's anger in his eyes. I'm about to ignore his melodrama, and mount, but suddenly the wind is knocked out of me. I yelp as he throws me over his shoulder, and walks out the stables, and through the HQ. I attempt escape, but he's holding strong, telling me to shut it till we make it to the rood. The roof? I wonder if he wants me to just jump, and save them the hassle, but no. He sets me down, and stares at me. I wait: expecting him to say something. But no, he just sits there, watching.

My patience gives out, and I stand to leave.

He pushes me back down.

Again I wait: again he just stares.

"Is there a reason for this?" I sigh. He frowns and leans in, watching me too closely. I take a deep breath. Denying myself the urge to slap him. "Eren?"

"Are you _ever_ coming back?"

"Ugh, don't start this shit again. I'm right in front of you."

"Your body is, but that's it."

"I don't have time for your philosophy, Eren."

"You have no more duties today. We have all the time in the world."

"Well I don't have much patience left."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Then act like it!" he shouts, suddenly on his feet, shaking my shoulders violently. Like he'll shift the emotion to the surface. "Nothing even makes you blink these days! I know you miss him but shutting down is only—"

"Is the only way." I snap, feeling the lid rattle. Eren's eyes widen a fraction. But I just stare his hope down. "I miss him, I'm trying _not_ to mourn him, I'm _trying_ to deal with the guilt of failing him and this regiment, _and_ of not being able to even remember what happened to him. But by shutting it all out? I can still teach, I can help the regiment, I can do my duty… I can breathe. I hope one day I'll get a fucking grip Eren, and that I'll be able to let myself feel again, really I do. But right now I can't. Or I'll totally fucking lose it."

In all honesty I can't believe how steady I manage to keep my voice.

But I do.

And it looks like I've kicked Eren in the chest.

"And the only way to help would be him coming back?"

"Simply knowing would help." I whisper, closing my eyes as he takes my hands gently.

I remember that night in the stables, the way I'd given into his sincerity. That had been a mistake. It had just made it hurt more, when left alone in the darkness of my room. It was self-inflicted; but on the other hand, I could hardly have him by me 24 hours of the day. So I had to shut it out, I couldn't depend on anything but that. Anything else would be beyond selfish, and I'd been selfish enough already.

"I know nothing, and that's what kills me, Eren. I hate to make you so worried, you know I do, but I don't know how else to do with this."

"Kills you?" he repeats, swallowing. I nod slowly.

"I don't know if he's being tormented, tortured, simply held captive, or already six months dead in the ground somewhere. I cost this regiment its strongest soldier, and I don't even know how, or why…" I gasp, but smooth back my hair, and smile as best I can. "But memories are flicking int place. Little bits so far, but they're coming back…"

"Still not much though?"

"Nothing distinct, but eventually something'll trigger me. Something will click. I think… I _think_ it'll be soon that I can look my comrades in the eye… I think, soon, I'll feel a little human again… I-I think."

"Really?"

"Really, Eren… b-but I can't promise…"

"I know you can't," he sighs with a soft simper, shaking his head. "But I guess I'm glad I'm the one to tell you…"

"Tell me what Eren?"

"Well…"

"Eren, not the time for dramatic pauses."

I'm gripping the stone wall like I'll fall off the roof if I don't. Had they found him? Was he alive? Dead? In between? Eren waits for me to calm down a little, which I do with some difficulty.

"He's alive, and he's coming back. Commander Erwin has gone to escort him here, that's why his horse was gone—" he catches me as I topple forward, gulping at the suddenly thin air. Holy shit, he was okay? But then, as I cling to Eren's jacket, letting this news sink into my now fizzing brain, I grow suspicious. I frown at Eren, and he frowns at me; we're both thinking the same thing. Why had he suddenly been let go?

After 6 months they, whoever they were, had suddenly released him?

No questions, or explanations?

Something wasn't right.

"Eren… this makes no—"

There's a commotion in the compound, and we watch the Commander ride through the gate, a simply smile on his lips. Close behind him, stoic as ever, was the Captain. He looked so normal. Like they'd simply popped into the city for business, and returned the same day. Like none of this shit had even occurred. I get up and run, Eren close behind. I was well aware that Levi would probably hate me now. God knew what they'd done to him over the past 6 months. But I had to see him. I had to at least voice my apology, even if it never gained forgiveness.

If he was alive to hate me, I could deal with that.

If he was here, able to serve whilst loathing me, I could deal with that.

I hadn't doomed Humanity, I could certainly deal with that.

Hanji, and the rest of our team are already gathered in the main lobby. The doors creak open, as me and Eren join the back of the crowd. We stand and listen to the welcome he receives. The voices gush over his return, and we hear his quick, curt responses. It all sounded so normal. He sounded healthy. I watch the crowd thin as he, and Erwin, make their way through. I shiver a little and shuffle back slowly to hide myself a little behind Eren.

The crowd continues to thin, and I check the Captain's appearance. Searching for sign of strain, or injury. But no. He looks good. He looks healthy. I can only see shadows of scaring by his collar, and I can't even tell if they're new. Suddenly I'm afraid, suddenly I wish this crowd would swell to 1000 people.

What would I say to him?

What would he say to me?

Eren shakes the man's hand, strongly, welcoming him back with sincere thanks. I think Eren's relieved to be able to be here, to witness this reunion. I think he's just desperate to have me back to normal – or at least my version of it. But something is niggling at the back of my mind, something echoing in an alarm bell. I knew this wasn't going to go well, but something told me, that was an understatement.

Eren turns to me with a grin, his arm outstretched as he reveals me to the Captain.

"And of course Robyn has been so wor—"

" _Bitch_!"

I feel his hands wrap around my throat, clawing and crushing as we fall to the ground in a heap.

I'd expected anger, malice, even fury; but this seemed a little strong. My head smacks off the ground, and he continues to squeeze. I do nothing. At this point I can barely think, I just stare up at his enraged eyes, burning with loathing, and determination. He's so desperate to kill me. And yet I'm paralysed by confusion, and a dash of acceptance. Erwin, and Eren are trying to get him off me. There was so much hate burning in those eyes, in fact it was beyond that, it was something else entirely.

I'd never thought he'd look at me like that – what a fool I was.

"You killed them. You monster. It was all _you_!" He hisses, kicking out at me as he's dragged away. I stare up at the ceiling, attempting to comprehend what had just happened. Was this a nightmare? Was I about to be woken up by an irritated Mikasa again?

Then Keza appears.

Nope, this wasn't a dream.

Her big blue eyes are wide as she runs a hand over my forehead, and then over my throat. I flinch at the already painful bruising, but I can breathe normally, somehow he hadn't crushed my throat.

Something had held him back?

Then I remember that look, and flinch.

No, he just hadn't had enough time.

Keza sits me up, and without a word, helps me through to the mess-hall. She shoos away the convicts still clearing up breakfast, and she clears out the straggling troops. Soon enough we're left alone. I let her sit me down, and then she collects a glass of water to place in front of me as she rubs my back. Comforting wasn't really Keza's strong point. She could berate, give a decent pep-talk, or give a terrifying telling off, but full on comforting wasn't really her thing. It's one of the very few times that I think Keza doesn't know what to say.

I turn to her, and attempt a smile.

"He's back. Just like you said."

She attempts to return the smile but at the last second it falters. She looks away as he bottom lip wobbles a bit.

"I'm so sorry, honey."

"Don't be." I say quietly, tracing a finger round the cool rim of the glass. I feel the calm of silence, for the first time in half a year. I sip the water carefully, and smile, I don't gag.

"What's going on in that backwards brain, numbnuts?" She says softly, tucking some hair behind my ear so she can properly watch my face. I continue feeling the smoothness of the glass, and I smile a little broader.

"He's alive… The fight for humanity has its strongest soldier back. The regiment has its finest captain back… he's alive."

The guilt is still there but it isn't crushing me anymore.

The lid on my heart loosens a little, and I breathe a little deeper.

"Yeah… and you've had your heart ripped out."

"In the grand scheme of things Keza? One broken heart is hardly the issue."

"Bugger the grand scheme. That shit isn't my concern right now."

"I can deal with this. He's alive, and that helps a fuck tonne." I laugh a little, unable to fully voice how much it helps to simply _know_ something. Fair enough, I now knew he hated me, and that he wanted me dead for what I'd done to him, but it was better than flying blind through day after day.

"What the hell was he talking about anyway?"

"I don't know what he was talking about. Maybe Erwin will get some sense out of him. Maybe he won't." I laugh a little more, and Keza puts her head against the table. She hated it when I got like this. When I acted accordingly, she knew me better than anyone, I should be in tears, lamenting the loss of the man I loved's affection. But when I did a U-turn on her, she was thrown through a loop. My mind was annoying for her. It always had been.

The pain in my chest was nothing compared to the suffocating ignorance I'd been living with. I could handle my heart. I always had before.

Her arm drapes round me, and pulls me into a firm hug. She kisses the top of my head, and sighs. The last time she'd done this was when we parted ways, when she accepted how different our goals were. I know she isn't saying goodbye this time, but the sense of affection is just as strong. I take the hand draped over my shoulder, and squeeze it. This helps my heart.

"I love you, Robyn, my crazy beautiful girl."

"Love you too, Keza."

I don't know how long we sat there, swathed in silence. It might well have been days for all I care. But eventually it's broken, stripped away as the team walk in with hushed whispers, and careful footsteps. I stare at the water in front of me, whilst they come and sit at the table. A hand rests on top of mine. I look up, expecting Eren, but am surprised to be smiling at the worried face of the Commander. His blue eyes then look to Keza, fracturing with concern.

"How is she?"

"Capable of answering your questions Sexy, go ahead."

I nod and sit up straight, still surprised to not see Eren here. Where had he gone?

"Did he hurt you, Sanshi?"

"Just some bruising, is he all right? He seemed strong enough at least…" I mutter rubbing the bruised flesh, a weird smile on my face. Erwin relaxes a little, squeezing my hand before letting go, and clasping his beneath his chin as usual.

"Apart from the obvious psychological issue, he seems in prime health."

"Thank fuck…" I breathe, closing my eyes for a moment.

"But he's definitely had _something_ done to him."

"Ya think?" snaps Keza, lips curled into a very unattractive snarl. I nudge her, and smile with a little pleading. It takes a couple seconds, but she just puffs out her cheeks, and shrugs. She's calm enough for now. I turn back to the Commander, and meet his eyes properly for the first time in many months. He seems a little uncomfortable with this.

"Erwin? Does his… ' _psychological issue'…_ does it seem to be in connection to anything but me?"

"Not so far, however—"

"Then it's simple. I'll leave." I say, continuing to hold his now amazed gaze.

I'd fix this for everyone, the sooner he was able to get back to his duty the better. It was what he had been fighting for right? I swallow hard, no, that wasn't quite right was it… he'd been fighting for us for a while. But then I just clench my jaw a little, maintaining my smile all the while. If he hated me now, maybe he could use that to fight with. Just put my face on every Titan he came across? Poor bastards wouldn't know what hit them.

"Sanshi—"

"If the only thing holding him back is me, then I'm gone. Simple. Then you have your Captain back, humanity has its strongest back, and—"

"I do not consider than an option."

"Well maybe you should."

"Cadet Sanshi, I _meant_ it when I said you're vital to this regiment." He mutters, hitting his fist against the table. I jump a little. "The situation is delicate. We need to figure out what exactly has been done to him, and for what end. I suppose you still don't remember what happened when you were captured?"

"No more than flashes of images. But really I've had nothing to go on… Nothing to trigger it… did he say anything more concrete after you dragged him off?"

"What do you mean?" he asks, suddenly very interested in the table.

"You need to tell me, Commander. If he said something significant, it might just kick my brain into gear… finally. We might finally get some damn answers out of my muddled brain."

"Well… yes he did." Erwin says, looking round the group as a clear indication they all already know what he's about to say. I wait, nails drumming against the table top as I fight my impatience. They knew this was annoying right? I feel like I'm back in that damned infirmary room, having the fact withheld 'for my own good'. Spit it out Erwin! "Sanshi… He claimed you were the Female Titan."

"What?!" I laugh, leaning on the table, waiting for his punchline. But he's sincere. I look around at the pitying faces, and shake my head at them. "This is a joke right? Why would he think I was—" my voice cuts out as I jolt, whole body convulsing before going rigid as I put my hands to my suddenly pounding head. " _Fuck._ "

Keza has a hand on my shoulder, and Erwin on the other. I think they're speaking, but its echoing as I shake my head, trying to dispel this stabbing sensation. Dammit. Turns out ignorance really was bliss, remembering hurt like hell. The few memories I'd already had flash across my mind, blinding me as they brighten into clarity. Soon joined by new ones. Its suffocating.

The Female Titan.

I hear the script replay, and I shudder again, whimpers escaping through my clenched teeth. They convinced him. They made him believe it all. The injected him over, and over. They whispered into his ear, and made him watch as they tore me apart, spouting countless lies into my bruised face. They made him believe it all.

That I was the Female Titan - not Annie.

I killed his team – not Annie.

He hated me – not Annie.

And of course, he wanted to kill me more than anything. That I have convinced the rest of the Survey Corps that I was their ally, whilst plotting to destroy them. That I had framed Annie. It was all for this; had he successfully killed me in that hallway, they'd have potentially turned on him. Hell, they might have killed him. Eren probably would have in any case. And then what? Eren would be taken by the MP's, studied and dissected. Humanities Strongest, and Humanities Hope taken out in one swing. Morale would plummet, paranoia take over… shit, the Corps would likely crumble in a matter of weeks.

Control lost, power gone, mission failed.

I gasp as the torrent of realisation ends, and lean on the table till the room finally stops spinning. No one is speaking, but I can feel them waiting. I swallow hard, and form the words on my lips carefully, hoping I won't vomit.

"I know what they did."

For a while I wonder if they even believe me. To be honest, I wouldn't totally blame them, if they didn't. The story hardly starts off normal. I'd had the dream a few times, but assumed I was just letting my imagination get the better of me. But suddenly I knew that it was real; the harrowing image of Levi stood in Titan form, looming before charging in a blind rage. It had actually happened. Then I explain the small dark room, and all that had happened there. They all stare, barely blinking as I go through it, shivering a little as I relive it all. Keza traces over my back, her eyes shining a little as her bottom lip wobbles again.

"Well that explains all the fresh scarring."

"Is that everything?" whispers Hanji, and I find it odd that she's looking for more. I suppose she enjoys gore, but as I look at her with a small frown, I see her blush and look away. She's just worried. She's been overly sensitive about me being injured since the serum, that was all.

"I'm assuming so yeah… kinda all came flooding back…"

Hanji nods, but bites her lip as she fights fresh tears. Damn. I really had shaken her up, hadn't I? I feel like I should go catch her a Titan, and put a bow on it. That might cheer her up.

"But what's the point?" murmurs Erwin as his calculating mind struggles to grasp the answer, "Is it just a sick game?"

"Very sick, but potentially, very clever." Says Hanji, quietly. When everyone turns to her, she removes her glasses, and then replaces them so they flash in the light. She's figured it out.

"Go on Hanji, spell it out, _please._ " I beg, exhausted after my prolonged revelation. My head was cloudy as with six months of struggle, suddenly broken free. Like a breached dam, my head was doused in it, in memories full of torrential information; pain, and gut wrenching emotion. It was funny, a small part of me, almost longed for the agonising ignorance. It had been a lot less overwhelming. I look at the table top, enjoying the sensation of Keza's hand, as she continued to trace along my back.

"Well think about it guys. If had we let Levi, and Robyn, have their reunion alone, he'd have killed her already. Let's face it, she'd be dead as a steaming Titan. Their plan would already be well under way. Look how furious Eren was at Levi attacking her. Can you even imagine his fury had Levi managed to do anything worse?"

"Where _is_ Eren?" I ask quietly, not looking up as I now also feel a fresh wave of guilt. He had been far too lenient with me. So patient, so understanding. I'm suddenly acutely aware of the lack of appreciation I had shown the boy. No… right now he was a man.

"He went to the roof to cool off. But had we not sent him there, he'd have probably pummelled Levi into the ground. Imagine it, had Levi managed to kill you, Robyn. Eren would have lost it, killed Levi, then Erwin would have lost his best soldier. Eren would have been restrained if not killed for such insubordination. Then moral would plummet. The rookies would freak. The corps would crumble with such a moral blow. Dominoes. It's all about avalanching dominoes."

The truth behind her realisation was clear to everyone. I could see it all sliding through their heads as it had mine; it was all to take down the corps. That was all this was for, to placate the paranoia of someone inside the inner city. Those that feared the outside world, and their lack of control over it.

They had messed with Levi's mind for that?

I feel my stomach churn, and clamp a hand over my mouth as I realise the extent of this game. To convince him of such things, what had they done to him? It seemed as though I'd had the easier time of it after all.

I need to breathe, and I need to find Eren.

"I'll go see how Eren is. W-where is Levi now?"

"The cells." Admits Erwin. I flinch but nod, it made a cruel kind of sense. Without assigning both me, and Levi babysitters, it was the only safe way of doing things. For now at least. I leave them all to brain-storm, they'd think of a solution, they had to.

I head for the roof, and find Eren pacing. His hands are tangled in his messy brown hair as he bares his white teeth. Had he gotten taller? I stand and watch him stride around, his shoulders seemed broader, and his arms thicker. When had the lanky dork become a strong soldier? It seemed I'd ignored a lot over the past few months. I give a small cough, and he spins, hands still in his hair as he stares, green eyes ablaze. In a second he's next to me, hands on either side of my face, searching for something. I think he finds it as he smiles, and kisses my forehead strongly.

"You're still here."

"Not going anywhere, Eren." I sigh, letting him pull me into a hug. I focus on his steady heart-beat as he runs his hand along my spine, up and down he goes, soothing me again. It felt a little odd, this was how the foolish part of my mind had been hoping to meet Levi, or along these lines. Yet he was locked up in the cells, raving about his hatred for me, and I was seeking solace in the arms of my long suffering friend. What a day. What a fucking mess.

"How bad was it?" his voice is generally calm, but there is an edge of anger to it. I'd have to tread carefully, or he'd be the one to rage out. Again.

"Just a little bruising Eren, I'm fine." I breathe, turning into his chest, his hold tightening. "I'm so sorry."

"For what? _He_ attacked _you_."

"For not appreciating all you were doing. I'm sorry. You're too good to me, Eren."

"Nonsense," he mutters into my hair, stopping his hands to rest one against my back to hold me in place, and the other to stroke my hair. I didn't know how he knew, but it was exactly what I needed. With slightly shaky hands, I hold onto his jacket. "I'm just glad you came back, despite what just happened."

"As far as I'm concerned, Eren, humanity has its strongest soldier back. That's what counts."

"Yeah but what about his Nanny?" he murmurs. It takes a moment, but I realise what he's talking about, and I laugh loudly. He joins in, and we stand chortling till finally I look up, and smile at him.

"His Nanny will do just fine. She has a great friend helping her."

"But you still love him don't you?" There's an odd twinge in his eyes, but I suppose he hopes I won't, so it won't hurt so much. I wish I could say no; that I could claim, and believe, that this didn't hurt like hell. But I can't. He was taller now, but Eren was still plain adorable. The boy or man argument continues in my mind.

"I think I always will Eren, but I can't be selfish about this. My feelings are hardly the priority in this situation. We need to—"

"When are you selfish about anything?"

"Plenty," I smirk, squeezing him a little. "You feeling better yet?"

"Me?" he asks wide eyed, I raise a brow and tap his nose. He blushes.

"Yes, you, you little rager."

"Oh… yeah I'm good… I think." He pauses, and clenches his jaw in a way that makes me tense a little too. "You don't hate him even a little?"

"Huh?"

"You've been tearing yourself apart for so damn long, you've been dead inside. And now he acts like you murdered his whole family." By the end he's hissing through his teeth. Anger spilling over his supposedly calm demeanour.

I shake my head at him, and explain what this was all about. He wasn't there for Hanji's eloquent run-through, but I do my best. He goes a little pale as my explanation continues, but I do edit out most of the details about my torture sessions. He didn't _need_ to know that, so I'd spare him the images if I could. I owed him that much at least. But as I finish off the tale, he grabs me close to his chest. He's practically crushing me, a hand tangled in my hair as he breathes deep.

"I won't let him hurt you."

"Eren it's okay."

"No, none of this is okay!" He shouts, stepping back, and pointing towards the horizon, fury in his bright eyes. "We're meant to be fighting the monsters _outside_ the walls, not the _rats_ inside! What is _wrong_ with people?"

"That's a very long list."

"I mean, I still hate him for hurting you, but fuck… what they must have done to him… to make him believe it _that_ much."

"I'd rather not think about it."

"Sorry…" his eyes scan me, "you alright now that you remember what they did to you?"

I shrug and smile, the memories were awful, but he'd helped me enough. One crisis at a time. I remember how he'd wept when I'd been in that wagon, I really didn't need to regale him with details of all I'd been through.

"Torture is not a new sensation for me."

"That's so fucked up."

"Present!" I throw my hand up. He rolls his eyes, but the fury has dissipated a little. "I better get back, I think Hanji is cooking up a plan."

"You stay out of it."

"Whoa there…" I half laugh, looking at him sternly as he points his finger at me. Like he's telling off a toddler for playing with a bad group of kids. "I'm grateful for all you've done, Eren, but you _do no_ tell me what to do."

"Sorry." He hangs his head, waving me off. "I need to stay here a bit, get this temper under control as best I can… let me know if I can help though?"

I head back through the door and close it, lingering as I hear his pacing begin all over again. So much fury, over me. I hoped Eren wasn't being stupid, I loved him as a brother, but I couldn't imagine him as anything else. He knew that surely? I wasn't sure if it was just my ego having a brash moment, but sometimes when he holds me or kisses my head… something is there in his actions. In his looks, and words too. I just hope it's all in my mind. Unrequited love sounded like something Eren would do, I just hoped I wouldn't be the one to put him through such pain.

Also, Mikasa would hang me.

* * *

"You wanna do what now?" I speak in perfect unison with Keza after Hanji has said her crazy piece. We look at each other with raised brows, then back to her as she blushes behind her glasses. Well at least she'd stopped grinning. I close my mouth, and swallow, trying to make sure I have this right.

"Hanji I admit I'm a _little_ offended by your eagerness to kill me." I sit back, and accept my coffee from Connie. He looks very nervous, but I dunno why; he isn't the one being hated by the man he loves, with the regiment leaders planning his demise at the same time. Hanji's blush deepens, but she's nodding.

"It seems to be the only thing they really programmed in. If you died Robyn, he might well snap out of it."

She sounds so sure in her theory, and yet I feel like I have to disappoint her. Doubt is plaguing my mind. That was too easy, surely? I think of his reaction to hearing that I'd died whilst out on a mission. Would he cry? Would he laugh, and call me an idiot? Probably neither, because he wouldn't believe it. I was sure it had to be him doing the killing; that was the only way this made sense. And I had a funny feeling, this would be one of the rare areas this world of ours demanded logic. I pinch the bridge of my nose, and shake my head at the now disappointed looking scientist.

"Hanji… I think in essence you're right but… I reckon it has to be him that kills me. It'd be too easy for us to fake it, if that was all we had to do. It'll have to be by his hand."

"Sometimes you are too damn smart!" cries Hanji, proud all over again as she ignores the fact this complicates matters. I roll my eyes, but can't help but smile at her slight mania.

"Thanks, but if it's him… killing me….how do we fake it? Letting him in on the plan seems a _little_ detrimental."

"Um… well I dunno yet." Sighs Hanji taking off her glasses to polish them. A silence takes over the room, the ticking of our minds taking over. But then Keza grabs my coffee, and holds it up triumphantly. Sloshing it over herself slightly in the process.

"I have an idea!"

"Time to make a public holiday…" I chuckle as she slaps my arm. "Sorry, what's your idea to kill me Keza? You all seem very inspired on the subject, I have to say."

"Well, look… he thinks _all_ you have been fooled right? He thinks he's the _only_ one to know Robyn is big Missy Titan Tits?"

"Indeed." Says Erwin, a hand to his face at this new nickname. Though I think I see the faintest hint of a smile. Despite knowing Keza for 6 months, he still was clearly unaccustomed to her rough tongue.

"So I go down, and pretend to be on Scowler's side. I'll lay down some long, over-the-top lamenting dribble about how I want revenge on the Big-titted Titan. Ask him to let me help, beg him even, I'm sure a man that short enjoys having the upper hand."

Erwin nods.

"After that, when he obviously agrees, because let's face it, otherwise he's up a shit-creak with nothing to paddle. I'll give him a 'poison' to put in some coffee, or tea. This he'll offer as a peace offering once free from his cell, it'll only be a sleeping draft or something – I'm sure GooGoo has something?"

We all look at Hanji. She looks back blankly, sensing the silence as an indication, she blinks, looks behind herself, finds no one and turns back with a pout.

"Why am I GooGoo?"

"Love, we don't have _that_ much time." Drawls Keza, and we chuckle as Hanji blushes a little stronger.

"I have something… though it's more of a paralytic."

"Oh goody!" I laugh, trying to ignore the increase to my heart-rate. Keza puts a hand on my shoulder, but the creepiness to her grin just makes the act of comfort, seem possessive. I shiver.

"We let him think he's poisoned her, she plaps onto the ground all stiff and 'dead' and we drag him away once he's snapped out of it, and had a full on Scowling freak party. Simple!"

"It's…" I half-laugh, a lump in my throat making it hard to do it properly. "It's definitely a good plan Keza, he might buy it from you… After all, the captors won't have known about you being here."

"Cheers numb-nuts. Although… we can't tell Titan boy a thing about this." We all look at her a little dumbly, she flicks her long brown locks, and clicks her tongue. "I doubt he can tell a convincing lie with those big gorgeous greens. So his reaction _has_ to be genuine."

"That'll tear him apart." Mikasa says looking at my coffee cup fixedly. "He cares so much about Robyn… he'll kill the Captain instantly." But despite the grave warning, Keza continues to grin, winking at Mikasa who frowns a little. She is displeased with this disregard for Eren's pain, but is far enough away that she will at least hear out the explanation. If Keza hurries it up.

"You, little Miss Passive Aggressive Quietness, Sexy Eyebrows and Sassy Mule can be there to hold him back. I reckon once Numb-Nuts here has toppled oh-so-elegantly to the floor, Sexy Scowl will wake from his delusionals."

"You really think it'll be that instantaneous?" I ask, biting my lip. She shrugs.

"Probably, that way the impact is all the worse for him. So even if you lot _didn't_ do as they thought, and kill him then and there, he might well just force your hand. I reckon there's quite a temper under those careful eyes?"

We all nod.

"Well then, they'll have used that as a failsafe. I reckon it'll be almost the next instant that he freaks. So yeah… we'll have his freak-out to deal with… My-my you do create extreme reactions in people don't you, honey?"

"Seems so."

"Must be the tits eh? A good wrack always works well for a girl."

"Keza…."

"Sorry, you have a lovely personality as well." She chuckles, ruffling my hair, before sighing and giving a nonchalant shrug of her slender shoulders. "So he does his dramatics, Eyebrows and Muley come back to drag him down to the cells again, and we go from there."

There's silence again as we all contend with this plan.

"You okay with my scheme, Numb-Nuts?"

"If it brings him back? Yeah I'm more than willing, though I should probably take some healing serum before we do this… Just in case…"

"Why?" pouts Hanji, eyes shining a little at the implication. "My paralytic isn't going to—!"

"I don't doubt it's well tested Hanji, but he may drug me then stab for good measure." They all flinch, but I just stare at my coffee. "They've _convinced_ him, that I killed his entire team. I doubt we can fully comprehend his rage… then again he may just poison me, and be happy. But we can't be sure."

I zone out a little, and trace a pattern over the table top as more planning goes on over my head. Keza is watching me, but she's letting this plan sink in. Levi would be willing, and truly believing he was killing me. It would be the only way to save him. But a part of me hopes it goes another way. That we get to that point, the supposedly poisoned brew at my lips, and then he snaps. He slaps it out of my hand, begging me not to drink it. It's foolish, thinking somehow the 'power of love' will break through, but my mind still lingers there.

What juvenile shit.

I take a long breath, calm my nerves and stand up from the table.

"We done planning? I feel like I need to sleep. I guess we'll be putting this into motion soon?" I swallow hard, my stomach churning all over again. There's a general nod, and I get out of my chair a little shakily. I just need some alone time to fully digest this. I get a few staggered steps away, when I hear someone else stand. Erwin reaches my side, and holds his arm out to me. Initially I don't want to take it, but when considering the stairs, I'm not sure that'll actually manage them alone. I meet his gaze, and take his arm with an appreciate squeeze. He leads me away, the rest of the group bid me goodnight, all watching after me as I carefully take one step after another.

"We'll begin talking to him again tomorrow. We should probably leave it a week or so before even bringing up release. Otherwise he'll be suspicious. Don't you think?" He's practically carrying me up the stairs, but is kind enough to allow me the pretence of managing alone.

"Sounds like a plan Commander. But… please don't rush him, we don't know what damage they've done to him." I gulp a little, and he takes more of my weight. "Half a year is a long time to have your head messed with."

"Of course, I want him back just as he was, just like you Sanshi."

I'm not entirely sure if he means he wants Levi back to normal, like I do. Or if he wants me back to normal as well. The way the man wove double meaning was formidable. Damn cunning minx that he was. I internally simper at the idea of him contending with Keza. An explosive situation that would be. But explosions also led to burns. I bite my bottom lip again. Was it really just me? Again I'm torn; I desperately want the damage to be minimal, but I hate to think I was the only thing they'd taught Levi to hate.

"At least you still have your Captain back Erwin. He seemed normal in those aspects didn't he?" I keep my voice steady, but my eyes glued to the floor as I guide one foot in front of the other. This was pathetic, but dammit it had been a long day. I'd allow myself this weakness, especially when no one was teasing. Heck, they were probably just relieved I hadn't lost it all over again. My head is still reeling after having such a big chunk of memory restored. But the ache has died down to a mere thrum. The memories of torture are still a little hazy, but I figured that was a small blessing.

Erwin still hasn't replied.

I grip his arm tighter, dilemma disappearing as I considered there being other issues. Just let it be me. Please. What else was wrong with Levi?

"Calm down Robyn, please. There's nothing else abnormal about Levi's actions so far… however…"

" _However_?"

"You keep talking like this is some little blip in his head." He sounds confused as my bedroom door comes into view. What was so confusing about this? I could easily be removed from the scenario. He leans me against the wall by my door, holding onto my shoulders as he looks for something in my eyes.

"Commander I—"

"I realise you didn't know him on a personal level before you got involved, however… I did. And when your relationship began? I saw him happy for the first time in… in far too many years. Me and Levi have a messy past, as I'm sure you know, however when I saw the change in him? Although I didn't originally know the cause, I was immensely thankful."

"He changed that much?" I murmur past the lump appearing in my throat. He gives a slightly pitying look, and I ignore my pride's bluster. He pushes my hair back behind my ear, and smiles at me in a fatherly way. Or at least what I think is fatherly, I never really had that kind of smile from Vincent. I blush a little.

"This is not some small part that can be skipped over, you've become a larger part to him than that. I'm not claiming he can't possibly continue without you, let's not allow ourselves to become melodramatic. However… I know he _lived_ when with you, instead of simply fighting. Instead of only _existing_. I realise this was possibly too much for me to have said, especially when you're so shaken… but please understand that I will do all I can to bring him back. To all of us."

I'm staring at the floor, tears rolling down my nose as I cling to his words. Sobs begin to shake me. I don't know whether his words have helped or hindered. Was it better to think I was insignificant, or vital? I take the handkerchief from him, and dry my eyes with a shaky hand.

"Th-thank you Erwin. I appreciate the sentiment…"

"But you don't want to rely on simply hoping. It is true Robyn, he will be able to function without us solving this. However, that is not an option I will accept without exhausting _all_ other possibilities."

"You're a stubborn man aren't you?"

"Keza really should have called me the mule." He chuckles with a shake of his head, finishing with another tender look. "Get some rest. Tomorrow you can consider yourself free from duties, however if you wish to stay busy, again, then feel free to train with the new cadets. But do try, and let yourself rest? It's been a long six months."

"Yes it has." I laugh breathlessly as he squeezes my shoulder before turning to return to the mess-hall. I watch him approach the stairs, and wonder what kind of a father Erwin would make, and then I consider that it isn't something that will ever likely be possible. Perhaps that was why he invested in his regiment so much?

"Commander?"

"Sanshi?"

"Thank you. Really."

I give a salute and he returns it, smiling broadly before descending the stairs. I lay my head against the wall. I really didn't know what to do with his words. Heck, it was amazing to know I'd made such a significant change to Levi, and for the better. However this also put a lot more pressure on our plan. What if we couldn't fix him? I then run my head through the other girls on camp. But no faces jump out. Other than Hanji maybe. I go into my room, and lie down on my bed. If we couldn't fix him, then I was sure they'd be able to find someone else to help him. He was the strongest, but the most broken. All he needed was someone to apply the glue occasionally.

I smile into my pillow. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to find a substitute for my own heart. I'd aimed rather high with Levi, and wasn't sure many could match up to that. Then I giggle; I wasn't sure many would want to. I could be a proper crazy bitch at times.

* * *

 **Shoutout: KaylaRayee! Thanks so much, I'm so glad you like my portrayal of Erwin :) I wasn't so sure about it, as I have a rather different version of him in my other fics, but I really enjoy exploring the ambiguous aspects of his character. I'm glad you're enjoying it! :D thanks for the review! Oh and apologies for slightly depressing you :P**

 **MrsMichaelis: Sorry about the continued torture of your feels, but thank you for the continued support and reviewage! Makes my day .**

 **Oh and Maria: Sorry, I'm such a mean author-chan at times... muhahaha?**

 **Thanks for reading, as always you guys are awesome.**

 **Leave a review, follow, and or favourite, I appreciate them all, and you're all awesome :D see you next time!**


	24. Burn Out

**Hello again reader, next installment of drama and feels. But now the plan gets into motion :)**

 **hope you enjoy, thank you for your continued support of this story, you're all awesome!**

 **I still don't own AOT**

* * *

As my mind drifts into sleep I see the flickers of memory I'd already known.

Titaned Levi looms over me, judging me as I stand there, branded by all my fresh wounds, but ultimately in better shape than him. I open my mouth to try and speak to him, to reason with him that he needed to come back, to come home. But the words die upon my tongue. He shakes his great head, and walks away with a bitter laugh. I stumble after him, but as the dirt turns to mud, I slip, and tumble. I call out to him, but my words are silent, and soon enough he disappears into the surrounding fog. The mud begins to suck me down. I fight against it, but the air is growing thinner, staler, and the mud is freezing me to my core. I'm so cold. I give in, and let it drag me down, and I lie there staring up at the sky from my icy bed. It seemed there was no running from this. Red lightning flashes down, whipping the earth mercilessly, strips of pain go along my spine. Gradually the lighting shapes into hunting knives, and stiletto blades, all sinking into me as the questions continue. I arch my back, gritting my teeth against my scream. Sod this, I won't give them the satisfaction for a second time.

It was at this point that I entered that horrible situation of knowing I was in a nightmare, of realising this was memories of my torture, but not being able to escape. Fear grips me tighter than the mud, and I desperately try to awaken. The mud around my shoulders hardens, snapping into place as it takes the shape of rough hands holding me down.

What was coming next?

My mind aches as I try to wake up. My heart is thundering in my ears as more lightning engulfs the earth. I didn't want to remember this bit, I knew I didn't. But then there it goes, out of the mud, moulding into the disgusting face I'd burned into my mind through sheer determination. He drools, and the other two hitch up my legs. Oh god no. The pain stabs me, and I shriek against it.

"You see Levi, this is what you let us do to her…"

I sit bolt upright screaming, scrambling back in my bed till I hit off the wall, still howling as I tangle my hands in my hair, thumping them against my head. Why did I remember that bit? Why couldn't it have remained forgotten? My hands are matting into my hair, blood tricking down my wrists as the shadows rejoice, flaring and crawling over to me, ready for the last meal.

My bedroom door flies open, light from the hallway making the tall figure silhouetted, and only making my frenzied fear grow.

"No! No leave me alone, don't touch me! _No_!" I shriek, panic making my vision spin with the momentum of my fear. But suddenly Eren's face comes out of the darkness; terrified as he tries to calm me down. I see his fear, and feel my guilt. My screaming gutters to a halt, and I sit there panting, staring back at him with wide eyes, everything laid out plain to see as I can't compose myself. Where were my damn walls when I needed them?

"R-Robyn? It's Eren… c-can you see me?"

"H-help… _Help me_ …" I whine, tears spilling out of my eyes as sobs rise in my throat. Somehow he looks more scared. He sits down on the bed, and pulls me close, shushing into my ear as he runs his hands over my back. I cling to his shirt, shaking my head against his shoulder as I try and forget. But the memory is there now, blazing behind my eyes, making my body hurt where they hurt me.

"It was a dream, you're safe. Shh Robyn, just breathe… I won't let anyone hurt you."

"N-No…" I gasp, and he tenses a little, leaning back to look at my face, I cling to his shirt but look down at my lap. "It w-was a memory, Eren… _oh God_ … it was a memory."

I gag, and put a hand to my mouth, whimpering as my stomach churns. He jumps up, and throws my bin under my head as I convulse, and vomit what little food I'd managed to eat over the past day. I gasp, little squeaks of desperation escaping me as I wretch into the bin, hands shaking as they cling to the sides. Eren is stood holding my hair back, and I feel his hand shake a little.

"Do you want me to get you some water? Or Hanji?" his voice is shaky, he doesn't know how to deal with this. I wonder if he misses my restrained composure. My breathing is ragged, and I can barely see past the incessant tears.

"W-water please… there's a jug on the side." I swallow and grit my teeth, forcing the stutter away as I try and find my spine again. They wouldn't win. But my stomach churns again as the image flashes in front of me, and I dry heave violently for a couple minutes, eyes bleared as my body tries to force the realisation out.

"I'm going to turn the lamp on, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

He walks away and I watch him closely, keeping myself aware that someone else was here. But as he pours the water after turning on the lamp by my door, I hear murmuring. Someone is at my door, which he left slightly ajar. I can't see them, but I think I vaguely hear Hanji and the Commander. Eren murmurs warmly, and then closes the door, the room is now flooded by the warm light of the lantern. He takes the bin from me as I lean back limply, gasping a little as my throat burns.

"Here, sip it slowly."

I reach out but my hand is a blur of shivers. I snatch it back, and clutch it to my heaving chest, clenching my teeth. A kind smile comes from Eren, and he puts a hand under my chin carefully, whilst holding the cup to my lips. I take a careful sip, and nod, swallowing hard as I try and ignore the nausea in my gut. My hands remain sticky, but the shadows sulk away as the lantern glows bright.

"What did the Commander say? Guess… guess I woke everyone up…" I blush, and accept another sip, my eyes closing as the cool liquid soothes me. A thumb rubs under my eye, trying to remove the leaking tears.

"He was just worried. Hanji too, but I said I'd go get them if we needed them. Hanji said she had sedatives available if you wanted them… seemed pretty shaken herself. But I didn't elaborate, figured you might want to keep this between us for now."

"Thanks… sorry for s-scaring you."

"I'm just glad I was able to come help, are you cold? You're shivering." He looks round for an extra blanket, but I shake my head, and reach out a little lamely.

"Come closer Eren, I-I need y-you t-to…" I suck air through my teeth, closing my eyes, wishing he didn't have to see this. It seemed like my selfishness would never end. He shifts closer on the bed, and puts an arm round me, pulling me over so I rest my head on his chest. "Thanks."

"Any time, you know that." He breathes, kissing the top of my head, and running his hand up and down my arm. A gentle quiet takes over the room, and I just listen to his heartbeat. Slow and steady.

"You feel like talking about it?" He says pushing my hair back after it falls in front of my eyes. I stay perfectly still though, too comfortable to even think about moving. "I… I'm guessing it was a memory from when you were taken?"

I tense a little, but still don't move.

"Why'd y-you assume that, Eren?"

"You're better at fighting back at your past. Current issues are harder for you to hide."

"Damn you know me well… when did that happen?"

"Whilst you were trying to hide." He murmurs into my hair, hand tightening over my arm a little. I sigh, and wind my arms round his torso, holding tight as I consider whether or not to tell him. "It's okay if you don't… but I'm here if you want to talk."

"Will you stay here tonight?"

"You sure?" he frowns, and looks at the door, wanting escape? I nod, and tighten my hold on him, clenching my teeth together as I swallow my pride.

"Yes… P-please Eren? I'll tell you, b-but you have to stay here." I whisper, and he shifts to lay down with me, head on the pillow next to me as he pushes my hair back and frowns.

"Of course, anything you want."

"Thank you… thank you so much Eren." I breathe, taking his hand in mine and holding tightly, tremors still going through me. He stays quiet, but I can feel him watching me as I momentarily close my eyes. But then it flashes in my mind again, and I jolt.

"I don't think you should close your eyes for a while. If you crush my hand too much, I might Titan out on you." He chuckles, shaking his head. I blush and nod, staring at our hands for a few moments before recounting the dream from the start.

He listens closely, watching me every moment, and I think he does well when I get to the end. When I then explain what it was all about, about what was done to me. I can't quite believe how easily I say it to him, the trust I feel towards him only burning brighter as I confess. His eyes flash a little, and his hand heats up a bit as he clenches his teeth. I end up choking out the last bits of information, about how I was then drugged, and then that was when they all arrived. It was all so clear to me now, sickening detail revealed at long last.

Silence takes the room as it sinks into his head.

His eyes shine, but with tears instead of rage.

"We were so close? If we'd just been that bit quicker…" he hisses, tears seeping out as he clenches his eyes closed. I tug my hand back, covering my mouth as I realise what I've done. Dammit what was I thinking? Sure he'd got taller, he seemed like an adult now, but he was still so young.

"Shit… Eren… oh my god I'm so sorry… I'm such a selfish bitch." I sob, covering my eyes and rolling away as I realise I just told a kid such a brutal story. I hit my fists against my head, demanding an answer form my self-centred mind, but nothing comes back but hollow echoes of pain. Shit.

"No, no Robyn, please… shh…" he pulls me back over and I crumble on his chest, clinging to his shirt as I sob loudly. I feel hollow. The world just kept piling the shit on, and I could finally feel myself bending under the weight. I was weary of this life. The fight had always been there, and I knew other people had it worse, of course they did. But I'd been foolhardy. I'd had some joy, and allowed my idiotic self to hope that might be the norm from then on. My time with Levi, and my friends, those golden moments of pleasant peace. They were the exception, not the rule. And now the world had seen fit to remind me of that. I adored Eren for allowing me this weakness, but really, for this kind of pain I really needed a different connection. I needed Levi and I bite down hard on my tongue against the thought. He wanted me dead. It wasn't his fault, I didn't blame him for a second; but that didn't stop the situation from being what it was. My heart belonged to the man currently plotting to kill me.

"I shouldn't have t-told you that… shit… Eren I'm so sorry, what was I thinking? I can't believe I—!" he puts a finger to my lips, and frowns at me angrily, I sniff loudly.

"Robyn I'm hardly a sheltered kid y'know? I know this kind of shit goes down, we all worried something like this might have happened… but when you didn't mention anything we hoped it hadn't. Although… shit, I guess Hanji knows... kind of explains why she was so shaken…"

"The physical…" I mumble with a frown. She hadn't said anything this whole time, but I just sigh, knowing it was her hoping I would never remember. I wonder if she'd known what it was, stood outside my door, hearing me scream into the night.

"Yeah… I guess the rest of us just assumed it never happened, didn't seem like something you'd easily forget…"

"It happened right before I was drugged... probably why it stayed blocked out for so long. I guess seeing Levi brought a lot of it back…" I bite into my pillow, shrieks threatening to break free. "But… I shouldn't be laying all this in your lap."

"You're not, you're letting me share the load. You're trusting me to help you, just like I asked you to." He smiles, and plays with a strand of my hair. "Thank you."

"Seems like I've come to depend on you a lot, Eren… I'm just sorry I… I…" I shudder, and he shuffles closer.

"You what?"

"I don't know that I'll ever be able to repay you."

"I hope you don't have to." He smiles a little sleepily, a frown puckering his brow a little. He must be exhausted. "Did you get a good look at their faces?"

"Of course," I reply, my nails scraping against the sheet as my hand balls into a fist. "I will always remember those faces, and whenever I see them again? I'll fucking destroy them."

"Glad to hear it." He smirks, and I breathe in our fury. It was invigorating. But as I imagine all the faces I would seek out and hurt, I remember the voice. The woman. The bitch that spoke to me, and made Levi watch. I freeze, snarl fading as I realise that Levi might not even know about this yet. He might only remember it if we got through to him. Would they really build something into his head like that? A punishment for breaking free? I swallow, of course they would.

"Robyn?" Eren's hand is pressed gently to my cheek, and I bite my lip. "Is there something else? Did you remember something else?"

"They made him watch…" I whisper, and he frowns, not understanding. I look up and scare him with my intense stare. "L-Levi… they made him watch."

" _Why_?" he gasps, and I remind myself Eren can't know about our plan.

"Well… remember how we think we'll be able to break this trance he's under?" he nods. "Well I think… I think it'll suddenly come back to him if we manage it… a kind of punishment for evading them."

"That's… damn… I can't deny that I hate him right now. But… no one deserves that kind of torment. Especially not when he… shit…"

"These people need to pay." I hiss through my teeth, and he nods, looking up at the ceiling as he continues to play with my hair absentmindedly.

"Have you guys got any further with the plan?"

"Nothing so far." I say, hating the bitter taste to the lie as it slides over my tongue. I'd done a lot of bad shit during my turbulent life, but I had the feeling this would be one of the worst. I was lying to him, whilst he was so wonderfully looking after me. I just hope he doesn't hate me too much.

"I'm sure we'll think of something… you should try and rest. " He turns to me again, and wraps an arm over my shoulder, tracing little patterns on my back. "You think you'll be able to sleep? Or should I go get that sedative from Hanji?"

"No I think I'll be okay… but if I start shrieking, just smack me in the face?" I plead a little, trying to ignore the irritation in his face.

"Not a chance, but I'll be here if you do. Not smacking you in the face. Just try and relax okay? You're safe here, I promise."

I close my eyes, flinching a little at the faded images, and I focus on the sound of his breathing. He was going to hate me a lot.

* * *

 **Keza's POV**

Okay Scowler, let's dance.

Numbnuts still seems nervous to be sending me down there, but I calm her nerves by pointing out I wasn't the one he desperately wanted to murder. Erwin disapproves of my lack of 'careful' demeanour, but it's the only way I know how to properly deal with Numbnuts over here. I can comfort her all I want, but the only way to distract that woman properly, is to make her smile. And I could do that like no one else.

She seems better today. A few days ago she came down to breakfast, with Titanio in tow I might add, looking very small and pale. I'd only seen her look that frightened once before, and it was how we met. Something else had come back to her. Some other memory had surfaced. It explained all the hullabaloo the night before, everyone suddenly rushing off at the sound of a far off cry. But I stayed put. I hadn't recognised the scream as hers. It seemed that she'd gone beyond any other kind of fear I'd known her to experience. Well… shit. I feel like I've been demoted. But today she does seem better. And Titanio isn't hovering so close to her, he's clearly chuffed at being in on the secret, but knows better than to coddle her. Big gorgeous greens and a brain to boot, what a catch he was!

I pinch Robyn's cheek before I leave the office of GooGoo, she smiles at me, and wishes me luck. No that I need it, but I think it comforts the daft cow to say it all the same. I bid them all adieu, and head for the cells; my little potion safely hidden away for the final reveal. I realise this will take all my acting talents, but I don't feel too nervous. If I could convince the leathery old men on my clientele list that they were Gods of the bedroom, I could convince Scowler I wanted Robyn dead. Maybe. Our red ribbons flash before my eyes, and I shiver a little at the idea of this conversation ever being real. I don't think there could ever be something that would push us apart like this. At least I hoped there wasn't.

I swallow hard as I head down into the gloom, it was dank down here, and thoroughly depressing. A horrible place, but a dandy prison for sure. I can hear pacing, and wonder if this guy ever slept. He'd been yelling, muttering, pacing, and clanging against the cells bars for the past week. Give it a rest you sexy little rage machine.

The guard stands by the door to the cell, and considers me closely. Of course he recognises me, and knows why I'm here, but he plays his part well. I glance through the bars, and wink at the demanding expression of my latest mark. He doesn't look impressed to see me. But there was a hint of confusion there, he might be interested before long.

I turn my attention to my fellow actor, and begin to flutter my eyelashes as I would in any other scenario of persuasion. He's already begun to blush.

"Say, guard-boy? Could you do me a favour?"

"What is it you need ma'am?"

"I need to talk with the Captain, fancy getting your handsome self a coffee while I do?" I purr, strutting over, and playing with the collar of his uniform. The poor bloke goes bright red, stammering as he goes through his lines. Frankly it makes it more believable. Although I do wish he wouldn't sweat so much.

"C-an't do that Ma'am. S-sorry."

" _Pretty please_? I just need to plead for my good friend, Robyn's life? _Please_? Do this for me, and I'll forgive the use of Ma'am?" I chuckle, running my fingers along his strong jaw and playing with his slight stubble. There's an audible gulp, and I flutter my eyelashes all over again.

Scowler just watches, clicking his tongue at the mentioning of his intended victim. Such callous reactions, such calm hatred. I shiver a little at the contrast; remembering the warmth in his gaze at the banquet. I mean, men stared at me, and ogled at my assets. But no one had looked at me like that. Ever. I couldn't even place exactly what it was, and I'd tried my damndest throughout the evening; was it adoration? Love? Lust? All of the above and more? I cast this thought away, and bite my lip.

"But Miss, it's dangerous—"

"I promise to stay on this side of the bars. I just need to talk to him… _please_?" I whisper in his ear, licking the shell. He shudders all over, and begins to walk away a little oddly, muttering something about 'make it quick' as he goes. Poor man; either he was a gifted actor, or seriously needed a girlfriend.

As we are finally left alone, and the curtain rises, I turn my attention to Scowler. He stands within the shadows, arms folded and foot tapping. He looked incredibly unimpressed. At least I think it's unimpressed, he was a little hard to read. How the hell did Numb-Nuts manage it?

"So… hey there handsome." I wander over to the bars, and lean there with a smirk firmly in place. He looks me up and down, a slight wrinkle appearing on his nose. Nice. Way to make a girl feel like a piece of stubborn dog shit stuck to your boot. "Listen, I didn't really come here to beg for anyone's life, really I just need you to answer a question."

"Why the hell should I?"

"Common decency? Because you're bored?"

"What's the question?" He sits down on his bed, watching me as he puts a leg over the other, and leans back a bit. I glance back towards where the Guard left, and then back at him with an angry frown in place. He frowns a little as the silence because appropriately tense.

"Is she really that thing?"

"Excuse me?"

"Is…" I grasp the bars, and grit my teeth. "Is Robyn really the Female Titan?"

He watches me, and slowly sits upright, hands on knees as he considers me. He doesn't like the situation, but he has to at least see where it leads. His grey eyes flash a little.

"Why do _you_ want to know?" He says at last. I don't answer immediately, drawing out the quiet as I force my breathing into raggedness, and make my hands quiver as they hold the bars. Damn it, I was selling this! If only my audience was more than Mister Moody over here.

"My… my brother was… in the city when… when…"

"When she attacked." He clicks his tongue again, as he leans on his knees. He puts his head in his hands, and runs his fingers through his raven locks. Lovely hair, really, nice shine to it even down here. Does he condition it? "I'm sorry Keza, but she is. She's fooled everyone."

"B-But how can she… I mean… I've known her for so l-long and—"

"Don't give me that shit." He's suddenly right there, at the bars, griping my hands as he puts his face in between the gap. His stoic expression is long gone, and his eyes are wild. I try, and pull back, but he's holding strong. I fight the urge to bring my knee up between the bars, and crack him on his scowling beanbags.

"C-Captain Levi… _please._ "

"If you didn't suspect it, you wouldn't be down here."

"I—"

"You saw me throttle her right? Your best friend. So don't pull the denial shit, I don't have time for it."

"All right… All right." I sob, hanging my head and giving pathetic little whimpers. But then I pause for dramatic effect, and slowly raise my head to stare at him head on. I slowly lean in, till we're a breath apart, and my teeth are bared. "Then let me help destroy her."

"What?" he lets go of my hands, and takes a step back, leaning as he looks me over again, unsure still. I rattle the bars a little, feeling tears pour down my cheeks.

"Please… please, I can't stand to even look at her. She's hurt so many, and if what you say is true? I _need_ to avenge my brother, surely you can understand that?!" I choke out, "Please… I'm desperate."

"I can see that."

"Look, I even have a way of doing it! And you won't be stopped!" I hiss, sniffing loudly and waiting for him to bite on the bait. "You'll get revenge, for _both_ of us!"

"Don't mind me taking the wrap for your vengeance then, huh brat?"

Brat? Excuse me, Scowler, that is just plain rude. But I hold my tongue, and bite my lip, fluttering my tear soaked lashes up at him. He clicks his tongue.

"But you don't care if you get caught right? All that matters is—" he's suddenly gripping my throat, and I feel myself out of my depth. This was intense, whatever the hell they had done to him, was clearly strong stuff. I clasp at his hand, but really all I can do is stare at his enraged face. Eyes wild, teeth bared, he's an animal, thirsting for the kill. I just hope he doesn't fancy a quick sip with me as practise.

"Don't pretend to understand my need to kill her." He growls, throwing me back against the wall, and looking down with disdain. I lie there, soothing my throat as I gather my breath. Play it cool Keza, you could do this, do it for Robyn. She loved this raving lunatic, for some damn reason.

"S-sorry." I cough, lowering my head and waiting for him to hopefully still take a nibble on the bait. Come on Scowler, you can't do this alone, you're stuck in a cell with everyone suspecting you of having gone nuts. Which you admittedly, have, however, you're convinced you haven't. Work with me here you silly bas—

"What's this plan of yours?" he mutters, leaning against the bars and watching me closely. I swallow, smiling timidly as I reach into my handy pocket, and withdraw the special medicine. He looks at the bag, and his frown returns. "The hell is that?"

"It's a poison, untraceable."

"Why the hell do _you_ have this?"

"It came in useful when dealing with the more stubbornly willed of my clients. You know, some of those old bastards, just didn't want to die. And I can't say I'm all that patient." I drawl, handing him the bag and grinning maliciously. "You could slip it into her coffee, or offer her a cup of tea when you're eventually released. Claim it's a peace offering, and watch her finally pay for all she's done."

"Seems to clean." He mutters, but I just shrug at him.

"You tried messy, but it takes too long. They'd stop you, and save her. If you want to do this, we have to be clever!"

He stares at the bag, and a weird light enters his eyes. Joy? Euphoria? Whatever it is, the fact that it came about because I'd just outlined how to kill the woman he loves, makes my stomach turn over. And I have a strong stomach.

"So why did you have all that planned, if you weren't even sure it was her? That I wasn't just crazy, like they all think I am?" he asks, turning the bag over in his hands slowly. I purse my lips, and give a small shrug, looking to the side as though ashamed. Not quite mister, I had seen all angles to this con, and you are not about to trip the likes of me up.

"I was scared that I'd chicken out, if I didn't bring it with me, plan in tow. If I let myself dwell on the idea… I was worried my sentimentality might get the better of me."

"Sentimentality." he says, slipping the bag into his uniform with a disturbing smirk taking hold of his pale lips. "Well you might want to forget all that. As soon as they let me out, probably in a week or so, she'll be dead. Before you can even _think_ to doubt this."

He holds out his hand to me, and I stare at it for a moment, before reaching in and sealing the deal with the devil. I just hoped this worked. I just hoped those damn herbs brought all this to a close; healing the wounds and bringing these two fucking idiots back together. Without any blood needing spilled. This was a messy life my Robyn had chosen for herself. But she'd always been first into a fight, defending the weaker ones around her. I leave him with that sickening look of hope in his grey eyes, and close the door with a sigh. It was wonderful to know he held such passion; but I had to admit I was looking forward to seeing it in a more positive light. Come on universe, you callous bastard, give them a break already?

I head for Erwin's room.

I needed a drink, and I needed a hug.

He'd give them both, if he liked it or not.

* * *

 **Robyn's POV**

I sit in between Eren and Erwin as we eat breakfast. Levi had been allowed out of the cells after a week of good behaviour, just as planned. Eren had objected, but was soon silenced by a stern look from the Commander. We all hated keeping Eren in the dark, but ultimately it was the best option.

I think back to my meeting with Levi two days prior.

It had been a condition of his release; he had to convince Erwin, and Hanji that he was both sorry for his actions, and okay around me. I remember the cold bars between us as he convinced them. The way he appeared so civil as he lied through his teeth. It was five days after Keza had come down and set up the plan. To arm him, with the means to kill me. Therefore with each apology, and every single assurance, I felt myself choke a little more. I think Hanji saw this, she called the meeting to a quick close. He almost snarled, but kept it in check. We left quickly, no one saying a word. As we soon as we were out of the door, I ran out to the compound and threw up next to the wall. I was shuddering all over, memories flashing across my vision, and fear gripping me. He had always been unreadable, but now he was impossible. I felt like I didn't even know him. His lies had even convinced me, despite the glaring contradiction in my mind.

I push the food around my plate. A lot was riding on this plan. Our lives were balancing on the edge of a tea-cup filled with poison. I wondered which way we'd fall.

Eren nudges me, giving a hopeful look. I return a smile, and put a small mouthful in, ignoring the nausea that grips me. Erwin, Mikasa and Jean would explain it all to him as soon as they could. It wouldn't be long that he'd mourn my death. I swallow. I then swallow again when it tries a quick escape.

I don't see Levi enter the mess-hall, but as the silence creeps over the room I assume it's him. Enough of the other Cadets, had witnessed his original outburst, to be newly wary of their Captain. And enough rumours had gone round the rest, to gain interest. Eren puts a hand on my lap, and squeezes. I smile shakily.

It's another ten minutes before I hear Levi clear his throat behind me. He was being very patient. Eren tenses, but stays calm, edging a little closer to me. I take a deep breath, and look over my shoulder to give a nod to the Captain.

My Captain?

Nothing like.

His eyes are cold as he holds out the deadly brew. There isn't even a tremor as he holds death out to me, casual as you like. I begin to wonder if I'll even manage to keep this charade on the go. Keza was staying out the way, safely tucked away in Erwin's office as she doubted her presence would help me keep it together. She was right. I knew her watching me, would only make these nerves worse.

"A peace offering?" he says, watching as I take the cup, and smile broadly at him. There's nothing there. I'm screaming in my head, demanding he regret it, begging for him to come back before the grief takes over. If this worked? He'd be… I didn't know what he'd be. But I feel like as he hands me the poison, I'm readying to stab him in the heart. We were about to seriously maim each other.

"Much appreciated Captain. Good to have you back." And I take a long gulp, raising the mug to him before taking another. It tastes like normal coffee, completely untraceable. I kind of wonder why Hanji had made it as such, but then realise I probably didn't want the answer. It would appear, that this coffee was nothing out of the ordinary, and yet I know as the warmth spreads through my gut that hell is about to be unleashed.

"How're you feeling, sir?" I ask as the tingling begins at the back of my head.

"Good, thank you. Yourself, Cadet?" My fingers prickle.

"Fine. Better for the coffee sir, thanks." My tongue fizzes, and my eyes twinge as though in need of sleep.

"Any time, Cadet." He smirks, and I feel ice clench my heart. Only, that isn't the paralytic's work, but that its clear he's enjoying this. I recall my juvenile wish for his affection to overpower their mind-washing. It seemed even more foolish now. And then the numbing really takes hold. I cough a little weakly, my tongue suddenly very heavy in my mouth. I don't feel it, but I watch the mug slip, and fall from my suddenly slack grip.

Eren yells out.

"Robyn? What's wrong?!"

But I can't answer, I'm too busy falling to the ground, only stopped by Eren's panicked hands. My head hangs back, and I stare up at the Captain. My breathing is guttural, forced, dying. A few fit like convulsions jolt my body, before everything falls pathetically limp. A weird silence takes over the mess-hall, it seems like everyone is holding their breath. As they do, my wheezing cuts out, and I wonder just how the hell I'm actually going to survive this. But I still feel air in me, but it moves slowly, silently, and without a trace. Hanji, you had the strangest medicines.

There you go you bastards, you've killed me through my Captain.

Now let him go?

Give him back?

So I can slap him.

Seeing his plan come to light had made Levi freeze. He still wears that sickening smirk, but he's turning paler as I'm laid on the ground by Eren, whilst Erwin orders everyone to leave. Connie goes to fetch Hanji. Eren's above me, tears brimming his eyes as he pushes my hair back, and feels for a pulse that is guttering to a temporary halt. His hands are trembling, and he's mouthing 'no' again and again. I'm so sorry Eren. It isn't for long, I promise.

"Robyn? Can you hear me?"

But I just stare, relentless in my silence.

Suddenly Hanji appears whilst Erwin, Mikasa and Jean restrain a manic Eren. He froze for just a moment, his mind clicking to the fact I was truly dead. And then he snapped. In one fluid moment he was up, and clawing at Levi, eyes ablaze with rage as he roared. The Captain remains locked in place, staring at me.

The smirk begins to fade.

"What did you do you crazy bastard? She _loved_ you! She's been falling apart for six fucking months over you. She would do anything for you! And you killed her, you monster, you fucking monster!" I internally flinch at the agony in my Eren's voice. Just take him away, just explain it to him. Please. This really would kill me.

"She-she's dead…" gulps Hanji with oddly convincing sadness. The woman was a born performer. I watch the announcement sink into Levi, the formality of it being confirmed making a familiar light appears in his eyes. He sucks a gasp through clenched teeth.

Snap.

Levi drops to his knees, gripping his head as he stares at my corpse. His eyes are wide as he shakes his head. All the while, Eren continues to try and reach him. I begin to wonder if those three can properly restrain him. Levi continues to shake his head violently, breathing ragged as he grunts through his teeth.

"Wake up. Wake the fuck up you bastard."

"You killed her!"

"I-I can't have… I couldn't… I _wouldn't._ " he closes his eyes tightly, suddenly feeling free for the first time in months? I wonder if the methods they used on him are being replayed. "The fuck is happening? I was… I was so sure… But she's not- she never- I can't have…" he chokes, gagging on oxygen as his actions become clear, and the lies he's been told.

Was he suddenly reliving everything, as well as trying to comprehend this?

It was too much.

He'd break completely.

Someone help the poor bastard!

"You murderer!" screams Eren as he is finally dragged away. "Let me go! He deserves to die, he deserves to—"

The doors slam closed.

Hanji backs away, sobbing loudly, leaving me staring mercilessly at my Captain. He stands up, unable to look away. He's shaking, hands clenching and unclenching as he tries to grasp the situation.

"Brat?" He whispers, walking over and standing over me. His eyes shine a little, and flicker to the discarded mug. He breathes through his nose, slowly kneels down by me, and pulls me gently onto his lap. He's trembling. Tears brim his eyes, and slowly overflow, falling gently against my upturned face. He lays his head in the crook of my neck, holding me closer all the while. My heart, in all its tiny little shreds, swells.

"Wake up, dammit. Please… please wake up? Please…" He whispers, desperate as he pleads with me, with the universe, with himself.

How long did this have to go on for?

He rocks back and forth, crackled and dry sobs escaping him as his composed self tries to deal with it. He's trying to cling to something, but I'm terrified he won't manage it. He strokes my hair, shaking his head as he presses his lips to my skin. Like an open nerve. I think back, but I don't think I'd ever seen him cry. I wonder if anyone had. It was wrong; someone so strong, so infallible, shouldn't do such a thing. But I had made him. It felt like I'd broken him, and was now snooping on his mourning.

"Come on, brat… shit... Robyn _please_ … Come back? Smile at me, hate me, kick the shit out of me, but just breathe, blink, smile, do _something_." He kisses my frozen lips roughly. I feel the warmth vaguely, and my heart seems like it might explode. He then moves to kiss my forehead again, and there he lingers. "You can't burn out. Not because of me. Please… not you."

Silence drowns us as he rocks us both, the shivering convulsed through him.

Eventually though, the scene is to be completed.

Jean and Erwin reappear, and stand over us. They both shudder a little at my staring appearance. Levi holds me tighter, if I had been able to feel it, I was sure it would have been very painful.

They drag him away. At first he fights with them, not wanting to let go of me. But then he's ranting, demanding that they should have saved me, that they were idiots, that they were morons. He's so feral sounding, and continues to breathe raggedly. Eventually they get a hold of him properly, and leave; he stops his rambling, and is lead away in silence, his head hangs down and shakes from side to side. He's taken back down to the cells. I let the tears flow down my blank face, and am grateful for Hanji finally closing my eyes.

"I think it worked, kiddo. But we'll need to keep this up and test the water for a while before we let him know. They might've foreseen this solution. But don't worry, he's coming back."

I don't know who it is, but someone moves me.

Someone tucks me into a bed.

Someone lays a cold towel on my forehead.

I think I slip into slumber, my body giving in with the immobility. Fine, we'll get some rest. But eventually I come to and feel something gripping my hand. I know it's not Levi, and I cringe at the memory of his words, his face and his pain.

Shit.

We'd really done a number on him.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed! Leave a review, favourite and or follow if you so wish. I love them all and thank you all for them!**

 **Mrs Michaelis: you never disappoint, though I do worry about your furniture... It might interest you to know that I'm working on a Black Butler fic, but want to have a decent amount of it done/edited before starting to upload :) let me know your thoughts!**


	25. Triggers

**So now we shall see where it all goes!**

 **I would just like to say right away that to ALL of you that reviewed for the previous chapter, all the thank yous, really, it was amazing to see the response to that chapter! Thank you so much; it makes it so rewarding to know I'm supplying entertainment etc. with my work, which is a major part of why i do this. SO yeah, i'll stop gushing, but really, you have all made me so ridiculously happy! And it's because of your awesome reviewage that I decided to upload a day earlier than normal :) hope that's a nice wee bonus.**

 **I'm also impressed at your resiliance to feels XD**

 **Disclaimer: don't own AOT, but I am so very grateful to all of you who read my stuff, *sniff* you guys are awesome.**

* * *

I force my eyes open. The room is my own, I think, the light is dim and I guess it's a little before dawn. How long had I been out? My mouth feels so dry. I look down and see it's Eren holding my hand, asleep with his head on the mattress. I groan against the hang-over feeling and fail to sit up. I could wiggle, but that was about it. I flex my face and am relieved to find it free. This was beyond weird.

"Hey Eren?" I sound like a chain smoker. He suddenly shoots upright, alert and angry, but relief is there too.

"Robyn!" he engulfs me in a hug. "You crazy bitch."

"I'm sorry."

"Apology not accepted," he speaks into my hair. I sigh and nizzle his head with mine, it's all I can do. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You're a shit liar, Eren. I did want to tell you, but really it was the only way, I am sorry. They told you quickly right?"

"Jean had to kick me a couple times to get me to listen, but yeah they told me, as soon as we were out of earshot. Him and the Commander told, me everything." He breathes, turning to kiss my cheek gently. "I was fucking terrified."

"Really? Couldn't tell, you have one hell of a poker-face."

"Shut up, I'm still angry at you, you aren't allowed to mock me yet."

"Fair enough." I murmur with a blush, I had to admit, he was taking this better than I thought he would. Seemed he'd done a lot of growing up whilst I was distracted. "How long have I been out?"

"A week."

"Fuck… have they got anywhere?"

"Yeah, it seems promising. They sent Keza down and he almost bust right through the bars to snap her neck. But then she laid a couple hints that you might not be dead, to test the resolve of his return to normal. It seemed to work, he just got angry with her. It seems your death was either convincing enough, or painful enough, to break their hold on him. Once again, Robyn, you saved him."

"After condemning him." I say biting my lip.

"Just enjoy the victory for ten minutes?"

"Sorry… Did Hanji happen to mention when this might properly wear off?"

"She said by today, so shouldn't be long. Just be patient, and endure it while I give you a proper telling off."

"Yes, sir."

He stays with me, and berates me, but eventually he can't keep the smile off his face. He knows it was necessary, but can't forget his terror. I can only imagine how I'd feel if I thought Eren had died. I remember seeing him plummet into that Titan's mouth, the clenching round my heart when I tried to find him in the belly of the beast. But even then I never believed that was it, that he was dead. As soon as I can move my arms I pull him into a long, and strong hug, ensuring he knows my heart is beating strong and loud. Not just for him, but for everyone that gave a damn. Which these days was a surprising number. The lonely little girl scrubbing around in the streets on her lonesome was a faint memory.

He helps me sit up and gets me some breakfast. We both look at the coffee a little oddly as I take it off the tray and sip it. Tasted just like coffee. But as the minutes tick by and I remain fine, Eren is calm and he sits on the end of my bed, legs crossed as he leans against the wall. I didn't understand him at all these days. One minute he looked like such a man, a grown solider ready to serve, fight and kill. But right now? His messy brown hair was all fluffed from sleeping oddly, and he was just grinning at me as I ate a little food and drank my coffee, he was a kid all over again.

Dork and soldier.

Boy and man.

Human and Titan.

Eren Jeager, you are my marvel.

My legs take a lot longer to come back to life, its half way through the afternoon by the time I can wiggle my toes. I then stumble along to the bathroom, desperate for a damned piss. But soon enough it's back to bed, awaiting the okay from Hanji once she was done with her daily duties. It seemed weird for the paralytic to have worked so well for a whole week, but I wasn't sure I wanted to ask why Hanji had such a strong drug at her disposal. The answer would only worry me.

The whole day Eren knew what I was eager to ask, but he wasn't willing to bring up the subject for me. I bit my tongue though. I could wait. Maybe.

"You seem to be back to normal, kiddo. Feel okay in the head?"

"As okay as I ever do, yeah." I sigh and swing my legs towards the floor. I give her side-glance and tilt my head, she looks to Eren and sighs. Yup, I was using her as a way round the elephant in the room. It was getting cramped in her.

"Yeah kiddo, he's doing great. At least… as far as being free of their control. He's in bits otherwise… but then again he does think he murdered you… Levi has done a lot of stuff in his life. We all know he has a pretty shadey past, but this has sorta hit him through a loop."

"Thanks Hanji… I think."

"Basically you can go see him as soon as you feel able, Kiddo."

Eren shoots her a look. He comes and stands by me, angled protectively. I bite back my retort, after all he wasn't doing any harm. It was annoying, but it was his right after I'd put him through so much. He looks like he's about to kick off but I just look at her pleadingly. Hanji pushes her glasses back up her nose and smiles gently, looking fixedly at me and ignoring Eren. I can only imagine the look he's giving her.

"We've run all the questions and testing we can, but really we need you there in front of him to see what happens. Then we can move onto you asking trigger questions. Unless he goes berserk right away… then we'll have to rethink."

"If he does, then I'll leave." I correct, holding her gaze as her glasses flash a little as she leans back from Eren. He went stiff at my words, and spins round with disbelief in his eyes. Hanji backs up a bit.

"We've been through this—"

"Look he's been in a cage long enough." I say it calmly, but firmly. I get up, brush myself down and look at Eren with a composed face, not blank, but composed. It doesn't frighten him, it just annoys him. "It isn't fair to treat him like this, the man has done so much for this regiment, for humanity, for the cause. Hell… he's done a lot for you Eren."

"I know…"

"I won't have him treated like a beast. Fuck that."

"But we can't—"

"Lose me?" I interrupt, and he falters a little, blushing. "Yes you can. I don't make or break your life Eren, I make or break nothing. Plus, me leaving would be no different to me dying out there beyond the walls during a mission. Except if I simply left, I'd be able to write to you all, to keep helping humanity, to keep fighting."

"I guess…" he sighs, shoulders sagging as he looks to the floor.

Hanji is smiling at me, and I think she's relieved to see some of my old stubbornness resurfacing. I wink at her. I still hadn't spoken to her about the fact she'd kept her knowledge of my 'other' injuries to herself, but really I felt like it didn't matter. It was something that would haunt me for a long time, and she had simply bought me a few months of ignorance. Really it was a gift. I think she sees this sense of knowing, and forgiveness in my lingering gaze, and she now also blushes a little. I lay a hand on Eren's shoulder, and squeeze gently.

"Don't go despairing on me now, Eren. I'm not saying I'll definitely be leaving, but it's an option we have to consider. We'll do the tests, we'll see if we can bring him back with me being here, however should this fail? That's it. No more games, no more lies, no more experimenting."

I look back to Hanji, trying to ignore the shivers of anger going through Eren. He didn't like this, not one bit. But the fact was, this world was cruel. Sometimes we just had to bite the bullet and get on with it. I was tired of pussy-footing around. It was time to fucking do something. Hanji sees my resolve and doesn't argue. It isn't something we can decide here, Erwin will have to give the okay on all this, but I was set in my mind. If he challenged me, I was ready for a fight. It was an honour to be so highly regarded, however, Captain Levi was not an animal, and he was too damned useful to be kept in a cage. That was wrong, and I was going to anything I could to right it.

"I feel good to go. Let's see what happens." I clench my hands against their tremors, and follow Hanji out. Eren's close behind, silent all the way, but as I reach for the door down to the cells, I stop. Hanji has gone to collect Erwin to supervise, and I need Eren to stay away for now. Nothing could be accomplished with him looming there, glaring and baring his teeth. Even as I turn to him, he looks ferocious. I take a step back, but clench my jaw and meet his burning green eyes. He falters a little, a blush appearing on his cheeks, very lightly.

"No. I'm going down there with you, Robyn."

"No you're not." I whisper, going on my tip-toes to kiss his cheek. He looks to the floor and frowns, collecting his courage to challenge me. But I just ruffle his hair. "Eren? Erwin will be there, the bars are solid iron, and I'll be careful. It's perfectly safe. We need to do this, we need to find out if he's back or… well… or if we need to explore other options."

"I just want to protect you."

"And that's admirable, and I appreciate the concern, however I can look after myself Eren. It might not have seemed like it lately, but I can get by. Go get some food and proper rest Eren, they'll come get you if anything bad happens. Which it won't."

He doesn't look anywhere near happy, but he knows he isn't going to win this. So he sighs, hugs me close, and walks away with hands balled into fists. What a little rager. Jeager the rager. Yep, that was him all right.

When I'm alone in the corridor I turn to the door and lay my hand against the wood. I listen to my heart, suddenly it's steady and calm. I guess I was entering battle mode. Whichever way this went, I knew he'd be free soon. Soon he'd be allowed to fly again. As footsteps approach I drop my hand, and turn with a salute. Erwin nods, and leads the way down the stairs.

The dark of the cells swamps us and the faint glow of lanterns takes over. I can smell their burning oil, and the musk of unmoving air. I also hear pacing, steady but agitated. Erwin pauses at the bottom of the stairs, looks to me with an encouraging smile and nods before heading over to stand in front of the cell in question. The pacing pauses. But soon enough it begins again, with nothing more than a 'Tch' as response. Well that seemed like him. Then again, he had seemed fine when assuring us all he was okay before being released the first time. I bite my lip.

Would he freak out again?

Demand my blood?

Or would he simply accept I was alive, and then look away in disgust. It was a lot that I'd put him through. It was a lot to look past. I wasn't sure he could do that, and I wasn't sure I could expect him to.

I shake my head, stop biting my lip and try to find my fucking backbone. This was Levi. Humanities Strongest. I needed to stop thinking of him as some wounded puppy. He'd been to hell and back, but really it was just a momentary revisit. We'd all been through hell, we'd all come out the other side bruised but functioning. He was in good health, he would be okay. I close my eyes and smile. I could do this.

Without a sound I approach the cell, silent as I linger out of sight of Levi but just shy of the cell's dividing wall. Erwin nods at me subtly as he talks with his Captain. I sit on the floor, and draw a quiet breath to calm my nerves. This was going to be a careful and slow process. It had to be for now.

"What the hell do you want?" says Levi finally breaking the quiet, Erwin smooths back his hair, and fixes his neck pendant. "We've been through all this, just get out."

"Levi, you have to listen to me. You weren't in your right mind. You didn't mean to—"

"Don't." snaps the voice I've been desperately trying to remember. It sounded so angry, but not coarse. They were clearly looking after him. The pacing becomes heavier as his anger rises, his boots scuff the floor roughly. "Don't you dare say it. I can't… I just fucking can't. No matter how you dress it up Erwin, I did it."

"That is debatable."

"I killed her." He says so dead-panned, I flinch a little. "I was weak, and I let them use me to destroy her. There is no way of going back to fix that. I don't deserve to, nor do I deserve your placation."

"Levi—"

"Erwin cut the shit!" He hisses, voice cracking a bit. Again I flinch, but I just bite down on my tongue. Had it been like this all week? "I can't pretend like this is something I can't regret. I can't just keep going like before. I've done that before, I've done it too many fucking times. But I'm done. I will _not_ pretend like she never existed."

"I'd never ask you to. But you have to consider that—"

"I swear if you say, she'd want me to keep going… I will rip those damned eyebrows off your face Erwin. I swear. Ro— she wouldn't want me to keep going, she'd want to kick the shit out of me. And you know it."

It feels weird, but I can't help but smile at that assumption. It was fundamentally flawed, but his idea of me lying there, my spirit stood eyeing up a good kicking point. It wasn't a bad way to be remembered.

"I got in too deep, and was selfish enough to drag her into it all. Because of that…" he clears his throat. "Because of that she's dead." He whispers bitterly, his pacing suddenly stopping and I see Erwin cringe back a little. I wonder what kind of look his Captain is giving him.

"She knew what she was getting into, old friend. You know she did."

"That doesn't excuse me. Just get this over with and—"

"Do you remember any of their faces?" Erwin asks perfectly calmly, but the way his blue eyes tightened makes me fear Levi had asked them to execute him a few too many times. "The ones that did this to you?"

"Not yet. But when I do?" He gives a small chuckle. "They'll know what pain is."

"Then all the more reason not to _not_ just get this over with."

"Tch. Have you caught that so-called friend Keza yet?"

"She was apprehended yes."

"But not killed?" He sounds hopeful, I can imagine how much he wants to hurt Keza. She was a good little actress when she needed to be. I wonder how thick she laid it on, then I smile a little, she'd have ladled it on. It was the only way she knew to do things. I wonder where they're keeping her, and then I frown at Erwin's ever so slight blush as I watch him discuss my friend. Oh dear Commander, you may well have bitten off more than you can chew.

"I thought you might like that pleasure, Captain Levi."

"Too fucking right I would… and don't call me that. I'm no Captain. Erwin why are you talking to me? Why do you, or four-eyes come down here? How can you even look at me? I murdered her. I am a killer. I know you cared for her. You should be—"

"There's more to this situation, _Captain_." Says Erwin, standing up straighter and glancing my way. I guess that's my cue. My heart remains calm, and my nerves cool. I wonder how long that'll last once I'm in front of him. Levi gives an impatient huff.

"What does that mean?"

"Try and stay calm, old friend."

"Again, what the fuck does that mean? Enough of your games man."

"I'll let her explain." Erwin steps away from the wall, nods, then waits as I make my move. The Commander will linger a little, in order to assure Levi I'm not haunting him. To be fair, it's what I would assume. I still saw flickers of my ghosts, so bugger knows what he's been seeing. Then again maybe it was only me who had such delusions.

I'm shaking but I step into view, and keep a careful smile in place as my eyes meet his. The silence is heavy. I watch him go through the motions. Fear hits hard as he pales and widens his tired eyes. Then confusion takes over as he looks me up and down, shaking his head as he takes cautious few steps forwards, glancing at Erwin occasionally.

"Erwin… I've finally fucking snapped." He breathes, eyes still raking over me meticulously. There's a soft laugh from the Commander. I'm glad he's here, he's stopping us both from losing it right now.

"No Levi, not yet."

"But…"

"She's real. She's alive and well."

"How?" he's a few steps away from the bars, but as the light pools over his face I fight a wince. There's dark bruising under his eyes where he hasn't slept. His hair is dishevelled, his shirt filthy and his flesh bruised. I assume the bruising is self-inflicted as I know Erwin would not have done it. The explanation rumbles from Erwin as my gaze remains locked on his. The Commander is going through it all, carefully and gently.

Would Levi hate me for letting the charade last so long? I keep still, fighting back the tears I can't explain. My hands continue to tremble, itching to reach out. But I hold back. This had to be done carefully. Silence takes back the room, and I wonder if either of us has blinked. I wonder when I last breathed.

"Do you understand Levi?" The Commander asks slowly, Levi finally looks away to nod at his comrade.

"In a sense." He says, casting his eyes down.

"I'll leave you two alone."

"Is someone nearby?" Levi asks without looking up. Erwin gives my shoulder a squeeze, I touch his hand reassuringly. I could do this. I'd failed Levi so badly, I had to start making amends sometime.

"There's a guard stationed outside."

"Order him to kill, should I do anything."

"It won't come to that, old friend. Good luck."

And with that he ascends the stairs and the door closes.

A bubble of tension surrounds us. I'm still staring at him, frozen in place. I can't seem to move. I feel like I'll crumble if I do. That they'll still be sweeping up the little bits of me in another week's time. He still doesn't look up, his jaw is clenching as the seconds tick by.

"Say something." He whispers through his teeth, eyes closing. I try, but I feel like my jaw is wired shut. He sighs and licks his dry lips. " _Please_ say something."

"Do you hate me?" I gasp, slamming my mouth shut again, the tears are brimming my eyes. He looks up with a disbelieving expression creasing his brow.

"You _can't_ think I do." He says shaking his head, but I can't respond. "Those things I said… Robyn, it wasn't me… it _really_ wasn't."

"I-I… I know."

"Then why…?" he shakes his head again. I try and use the sense of numbness I'd been clinging to the past six months, but it's slipping out of my grasp. I can't control this anymore. My tongue burns with all the unsaid words, the unvoiced cries, the held back screams. I part my lips and let it tumble out.

"I left you behind, I failed. I-I didn't manage t-to— and so you were left there, and I—"

"I shouldn't have asked you to kill me." He says, walking up to hold onto the bars. "You didn't leave me, they saved you. Thank the Gods they did." I've closed my eyes against the shame, but I breathe easier as his fingers graze my cheek delicately.

This was our real reunion. And in the cells – so romantic.

My tongue fizzes and I know what needs to be said.

But I can't meet his eyes yet, I can't quite manage that.

"I love you." The words come out shaky.

"I love you too." He plays with an errant strand of my hair. He doesn't sound like he's saying goodbye anymore. That helps me feel a little more human. "You need to look after yourself, brat. You look half-starved."

"Yes, sir." I half laugh, half sob, a smile breaking free. "I just haven't been able to stomach much. Not knowing was… it was fucking torture. I didn't even remember our goodbye."

"Guess they didn't want you to spoil they're fun."

"Bastards…"

"Has everything they did to you healed?"

"Of course, just more scars added to the pile. What about you?"

"Brat, I'm fine." He sighs tiredly, but I just grab his wrist and bare my teeth a little. I regret moving so suddenly, and so violently but I can't help it. He goes stoic. Normality is returning a little quicker than I expected.

"They beat the shit out of my body, but they fucked with your _mind_. That's not the same Levi." I let the desperation enter my voice, hoping it tackles his damned pride. He flinches at my voice. "Let me help… please. Let me do that at least. Let me help you feel."

I lace my fingers through his and kiss the back of his hand. He leans against the bars, breathing out hard.

"D-don't. I can't stand it." I hold his hand tighter. "And I won't risk being any closer to you than this. I have no way of knowing what'll set me off. I _can't_ hurt you again."

"Try to keep in mind you never actually killed me Levi." I say with a slight smirk, hoping to relieve his aching. But he growls and grips my chin. Fear flickers along my spine. "Levi?"

"But I _thought_ I did, I _believed_ I was."

"I know but—"

"And I still handed you that coffee, and watched you drink it. I think I even smiled at the sight. Doesn't that bother you? Doesn't that scare you?" his hand shakes, and he lets go, backing away till he's leaning against the far wall. Cast in shadow he breathes hard, slowly sinking to sit there with his head hanging down. "It fucking terrifies me."

"Of course it scares me, I'm not a total dumbass." I lean against the bars. "But so far there's no sign of their control still being there. We'll be careful Levi, I promise. Hanji or Erwin will be right here as I go through potential trigger questions."

"In case I lose it?"

"In case I choose to ignore any warning signs."

He looks up at last. But says nothing. He doesn't understand how badly I want to open the cell and put it all behind us, sod the consequences. My patience has run out, and I just want him back. My selfishness is right at the front of my mind, but I'm battling it. He doesn't see that.

"Levi, with you gone and no memory, these months have been far from my finest hour."

"Erwin said you've been taking down Titan's as good as, if not better, than I ever did."

"Oh sure, I've been killing, training and working my ass off. But that's it. It's fucking pathetic but I couldn't do anything but stay busy. Otherwise I'd start wondering about you, about what more I could have done, about how much you would loathe me for leaving you, about the damned guilt. So the idea of finally having you back? Might well cloud my judgement."

I have to admit it feels a little better having explained it to him, but after the words leave me, I wonder if I've said too much. Now he could well doubt me, as much as I doubt myself. He stays sat there, not really looking at anything.

"You can read me better than anyone, brat."

"But I also seek out the best in you."

"True…" he puts his head in his hands and groans. "This is maddening. I feel fine, but I felt fine when I entered HQ. Then as soon as I saw you…"

"It all changed."

"I saw all the memories they'd made for me, and this red haze came over me." He stares at his hands and then at me. I'm maintaining a calm face, but the bruising, despite being long gone, burns a little. "All I could think was how much I needed to kill you. Of all the people you had killed. But as soon as I realised you were dead, it became so clear… you hadn't done any of it. Like one second I loathed you, and in the next… I loved you again. Like a damned gun trigger."

"We'll figure this out. I'm not letting you stay in a fucking cage a second longer than absolutely necessary. I promise."

"You're really not giving up, are you brat?" a smirk pulls at his mouth and I smile broadly back. It isn't even a proper smile he's giving me, and yet I feel like my chest is about to explode.

"Not a chance, old man. You're back on home turf now, time to start fighting back. And as the current drooling moron, I will bring you back."

"You're ridiculous." He breathes putting his head against the wall. I sigh and rest my head against the bars. The silence is there again, but it isn't heavy anymore, it's comfortable and easy. It's beautiful.

"I think I'd better let you get some rest. It looks like you haven't slept much."

"Well no, I spent the week thinking I'd murdered you. Not the best mind-set for sleep, brat." He shakes his head at me once again, and I nod with my own smirk in place.

"Good point. Get some sleep old man, you look like shit."

"Says you. Go eat a fucking meal."

"I'll come back soon." I push off the bars and give a fond wave before heading for the door. Just outside sits the guard, and Eren, in a very tense silence. The big green eyes scan me till finally the thin line turns into a relieved smile.

"All limbs are intact." I say, walking towards the mess-hall, before changing course for my quarters. Eren jogs up beside me.

"I had to make sure that maniac—"

"Is still our Captain, Eren." I say tiredly. He just huffs. His hypocrisy is beginning to grate on me. Surely he of all people could understand having something within them they couldn't understand, or fight? He's shut up, but I can see it there, bubbling away as we stride along. I want to break the silence, I want to hold him to the cold floor till he begins to use some logic. Or even some understanding. But I don't. I know this concern and anger, is built out of affection. Nevertheless, it doesn't stop it being stupid, but it does stop me berating him. I know my own anger wasn't really aimed at him, it was the injustice of the situation.

"I just want to keep you safe." There's no anger as he mumbles this like an embarrassed little child being caught sneaking a second cookie.

"We live in a world where that isn't an option, I think it's time you came to terms with that. Levi is _not_ the enemy here Eren. You know that."

"Whilst he is potentially trying to hurt you? He's my enemy." I stop moving and stare at him, he really didn't know how much of a hypocrite he was being. He stands in front of me, taller, broader and sporting the vague fluffy beginnings of a five o'clock shadow. Yet right now he's more of a boy than ever. He's looking at me with those georgeous greens.

I slap him. I slap him hard. He stumbles a little.

"How dare you Eren. You're so much better than this."

"Better than what? Wanting to protect you?!"

"How can you be so judgemental, after being so hardly judged yourself?" I jab his chest with my forefinger, he looks to the side, cheeks burning red.

"I've never tried to hurt you. I never would, I never _could_. Robyn I—"

" _You_ haven't had your mind fucked with." I half-laugh. "Eren please, at this point we _all_ need to act as a team. Otherwise they've already won. Do you understand me?"

"Yeah, I do." He groans, thumping his fist against the wall. "But I'm sorry Robyn, if he does hurt you, for real? I _will_ kill him."

"Great… now I have two idiots to worry about."

* * *

"How did we meet?"

I'm sat on the floor, cross-legged in front of the bars. He sits on the other side, on a chair, one legged propped on the other knee as he leans back casually. He looks less tired, and has clean civvies on, but he still looks awful. Then again, the tea would help. I smile as he holds it in his peculiar way. It was the little things.

"As in officially introduced? Or when I first saw you?"

"There's a difference?" I ask, frowning as he gives an eye-roll. "Okay… both?"

"Erwin officially made introductions when you arrived with Jeager and those other brats." He sounds so bored, but I give a nervous look with the Commander who remains calm but frowns a little. "Wait… that's wrong. You… you weren't in their class." Levi mutters bitterly, gritting his teeth.

"No, that's Annie…"

This is our third day of questions and I hate that phrase more than I can comprehend. But Hanji said it would be best to keep my responses small, consistent. Levi does his usual; he slams down the teacup, rises from his chair, and paces around angrily, muttering something under his breath. I don't know what he says, but he keeps glancing my way with those determinedly stoic eyes.

"Wait… no, that is _totally_ made up." I say, looking over our collective notes.

"What?" he snaps, I ignore the anger, knowing full well it isn't aimed at me. Though Erwin sits forward a bit.

"Annie never joined the Survey Corps." I reply calmly. Levi clicks his tongue.

"Right… no, of course she fucking didn't. I first met you… I first officially met you when you hadn't done your straps right." He glances my way and I nod, a small smile breaking through. "I demanded you name, and yelled at you… a lot. At… dinner?"

"Correct, Levi. Can you remember what you said?"

"Can you?" he looks confused. I snort and give a shrug.

"I doubt many Cadets forget their first berating by _the_ Captain Levi."

"Oh…" He gives a nod, and returns to his seat, clasping his hands. "I said… shit… I have no idea."

"That's fine, no memory is better than a fake speech they put into your head instead."

"Sanshi." Erwin rumbles, and I blush.

"Sorry… Correct Levi. Let's move on. When did you first see me?" I ask a little sheepishly, but when I glance at my Commander again, I see the smile under his hands that rest against his chin. Levi returns to his relaxed position and smirks into his tea.

"You were lined up with the other rookies. In a big bunch of mumbling, brats, you were on of the few standing tall. Happy to be there. I think I noticed your mess of red hair… it was windy, it was flying everywhere… like a flame…" he stares at my hair and I feel a fierce blush form on my face.

I remember our first roll call, but mainly I remember being absolutely desperate for a pee. As well as wishing I'd remembered to tie up my long hair, wondering if a troop leader might come along and hack it off for me. Oh and the guy next to me had really bad body odour.

"Please say that's right." He groans, rubbing his eyes.

"Well… yeah. Correct Levi."

Progress was being made.

* * *

By the time we get to the seventh day of questioning, we enter the fourth day without wrong answers. I felt excited as I said the words for the final time.

"Correct, Levi."

"Thank _fuck_." He sighs, sitting in his chair with closed eyes, and tea in hand. I hop up grinning, and I turn to Hanji who finishes her last note and matches my grin.

There was only one more test.

It was something I'd been wanting to do since I'd known he was back, but now that it was actually possible? I felt nervous. Hanji waggles her eyebrows as she side-steps away out of sight, but still in the cells. I turn to Levi biting my lip anxiously. He's watching Hanji with a raised brow, then looking to me, grey eyes zoning in on my lip. I stop biting it. He looks me in the eye, and takes a step back from his chair.

I feel like a fricking predator now.

"Brat no… we can't be sure."

"Not till we know, no." I say, not moving, not rushing him. He looks at my lips again, his hands curl into fists and he's shaking his head. "Levi… I assume you would like to leave the cells?"

"Yes."

"And… I assume you want to come back to… our room?"

"Yes."

"And g-get into our bed?"

"Yes." He sighs, eyes closing as his hands unclench. I nod and step up to the bars. He remains where he is. "But what if that _is_ the other trigger?"

"You're still locked in that cell, and there's guards outside the door. It'll be fine." He stays put. " _Please_ Levi. Come back?"

His breath catches a little, but he swallows hard and gives a firm nod.

"All right… but stay still, brat."

"I'm not going to start dancing." I snigger, but as he gives me a look I raise my hands and plant my feet. "I'll be like a statue."

He still hesitates, but approaches and stands a breath away from me.

My skin tingles.

His eyes swim with fear, pools of a sky in tempest, but I just stay still. Come on Levi, let me help you feel again. Let me feel you again. Slowly he leans in, as anxious as that first night. It seemed like a lifetime ago now. It seems as though hours have passed, but finally he presses his lips to mine. Nervously. I fight the urge to move, to tangle my hands in his hair, to force his lips open and entwine my tongue with this. I think I'll go mad as I fight every instinct I have. But as his lips become more insistent, I don't fight it. I can't do that. I carefully part my lips, and sigh as I taste the tea on his tongue. The ache burns in the pit of my stomach, scalding as it thirsts for more contact. I fight it, and focus on the sensation of our mouths. He gets hungrier as he pushes against me, his breathing as ragged as mine. I feel a hand rest on my waist, squeezing and the other hand soon does the same. I fixedly keep my hands where they are, by my side, clenched as I deny myself.

And then it comes.

I feel him tense, I open my eyes and stare into his as they go wide. He pushes my back, before shoving roughly against the bars, flinging himself backwards as he bites down hard. He hits against the far wall with a crack.

"Robyn run, now!" he yells, bracing himself. He's shuddering, gasping, and shaking his head as he fears what is about to happen. At least what he thinks is about to happen.

I don't move.

I'm beaming from ear to ear, joyful and exhausted tears stream freely down my face. It was working. It had worked! When he doesn't hear me retreating, he looks and snarls a little at my defiant lack of movement.

"Brat _please_! I don't know how long I can—"

"It was a mint." I laugh breathlessly, a hand on my chest as my heart hammers away. It feels whole again, at long last. He remains by the other wall, but gradually realises what I'm saying. He turns with a frown.

"What?"

"Hanji considered they might've planted something in your mouth, to be used when the trigger was set off. So she knocked you out with something in your tea a couple days ago. She found the pill, and replaced it with a harmless mint."

"So I'm not about to turn?"

"Not unless you have a very weird allergic reaction to mint."

"Why're you smiling so much?"

"Because…" I laugh a little, sniffing as well. "As soon as you realised what you were about to do, you jumped back. I mean… we don't know if it was meant to be that you turned, or you forced the pill into my mouth and forced _me_ to turn but… either way, they failed."

"Shit…" he puts a hand to his mouth, brows raising in the middle.

"You… you didn't want to hurt me, you didn't believe what the trigger was telling you." I breathe, sinking to my knees and laying my head against the cold bars. Laughter bubbles out of me as the tears continue. I'd bottled it all up for so long, the flood gates had opened. I feel a little dizzy to be honest.

"Shit…" he barely even whispers it this time, staring at his hands and rubbing his wrists, like a man suddenly freed from handcuffs. He then looks at me and gives into a smile. It's real, it's like I'm seeing the sun again after a lifetime. It was fucking glorious.

"So… the pill you took out of my mouth, it would have made someone turn, right?" He asks, slowly making his way back over to the bars. I nod and he frowns. "How the hell does that work?"

"Probably the same way as that injection did the first time round… Hanji had a look but she said it was majorly unstable. Almost as if they were trying to remake something." I gulp a little, head still swimming with euphoria. "She's still studying it though. Give her time."

"She can have it, as long as I didn't get to use it, I don't care…" he breathes, laughing just a little at the end. "She's a pain in the ass, but she has her moments."

"Seems like we all do." I snigger as he runs a hand along my jaw, making me shiver a little.

"Seems like you've not burnt out after all."

"Never." I sigh, laying my head against his palm as he runs his thumb under my eye. It was simple moments such as this, which had made me ache so much. I'd missed it all so much.

Hanji has already run off, and returned with Erwin in tow. The Commander chuckles as he strides over, nearly kicking me as he stands at the bars and holds out his hand to his Captain. To his friend.

"Good to have you back, Captain Levi."

"Commander." Nods Levi, shaking his hand firmly. "Sorry about the dramatics."

"Sorry we failed to rescue you."

"Call it even?"

"If you wish."

Oh the simplicity of male relations.

I continue to giggle, having sunk me head onto the stonework as my body shudders with joy. Damn this world and its nonsense. Give a girl with a fragile mind a break would ya?

"Missed you shorty." Laughs Hanji, and Levi sighs at her.

"Oddly enough, I kind of miss you as well Glasses. Good catch on that… mouth trigger. Seems you're not entirely full of shit after all."

"Your sentiment is very touching."

I continue to giggle, and eventually a hand rests on top of my head. I pat it, not quite ready to move yet.

"Give me a minute. I'm having a Robyn moment here."

"We can hear the laughter you idiot. But you're sitting in the way of the door?" Levi chuckles, I gasp and I jump back immediately, wiping my tears away and watching the Commander unlock the door.

Levi stares at the open door, not in indecision but in gratitude. He then takes a strong stride out and salutes his Commander. Erwin returns it, and promptly steps out the way as I jump over and throw my arms round Levi's neck. I really couldn't give less fucks right now about formality. I feel his arms wind round me, and force all the little bits of me back together. I tangle my hands in his hair and breathe him in. I'd never known of a prisoner smelling so damned good.

"You're late, you prick." I mutter.

"I'm sorry, brat." He says, leaning back and putting his hands either side of my face. He stares and stares, I smile, more tears falling down my face as I feel his warmth, his breath and his love. Dammit this was sappy, but dammit I wasn't about to break away. Never again. "I'm home."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **I hope that was a decent payoff for your endurance? :D now for everything else... :P**

 **I'm going to attempt to mention all of you who made my past 5 days full of joy .**

 **angrygrump, ashnic, earthlover, Maria, wildyy, MrsMichaelis (ya babe), Bbianca5826 , WalachianVampiri, and Lilly Manchester**

 ***throws flowers or chocolates if you prefer* THANK YOU!**

 **Oh also, I am still planning on doing more art for this fic and my others, when i have time, so check out my deviant art profile if ya like, same name as on here :) go for it! :P hee hee, i'm still giddy.**


	26. That's All It Takes

**Hello again! :D**

 **I have to admit, i was worried everyone had got sick of this story as the stats function on this site has stopped working over the past few days, so as far as I was aware I had NO views.** ** _Little_** **soul crushing to be honest. But my reviewers showed it was simply a glitch in the system (reviews but no views... doesn't EXACTLY add up . ). It's been going on for a couple days - so if your own story, new or whatever isn't seeming to have views - and you're worried about lack of 'readers' showing in stats, fear not! It's a GLITCH!**

 **Just had to warn you all just in case! But as always my reviewers have been amazing people, and I love all my readers, despite you being invisible right now! And I considered holding back on uploading till this was sorted, but bugger it, I don't want to keep you guys waiting because the site has gone and had a brainfart! :D**

 **Thanks for keeping coming back, and I hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT! ~ you'd think I'd stop saying that, but I never will :P ~**

* * *

 **LEVI POV**

I can do this. I can fucking do this. I'd fought my way out the shit-hole of the Underground, faced off with Titans for years, and contended against people trying to rob me of my own damn free-will, and then I'd even faced the idea of having murdered Robyn. How the hell had I made it through the week? I swallow hard, maintaining composure as we approach the top of the stairs. It was fine. This was safe. We'd gone through strenuous tests, and I'd passed them all. They wouldn't be letting me out if they doubted me. The only problem is, I think I still doubt myself.

One step after the other you idiot, simple as that.

Shit, I'm so glad she's holding my hand that tight.

The sun wasn't always this damn bright was it? I can't help but cringe a little when we finally leave the cells behind. There we are, calm as anything, stood in the hallways of HQ, no shackles in sight. It feels like a lifetime ago I stood upon this ground. As myself anyway. They're all being incredibly patient, and I'm grateful, but really I'm just pathetically clinging to her hand. As they discuss things amongst themselves, I watch her and marvel a little. She's so calm again. Like me leaving that cell was the final piece she needed. I look at our hands for a moment, and fight the urge to smile, as well as the urge to pull away.

How the hell had she forgiven me so easily?

What hell had I done to deserve it?

But as we sit down with everyone for food in the mess hall, and I just sip on more tea, listening to the weird normality around me, she just sits there smiling away. Occasionally she turns to me, silently checking that I'm coping. All the while hoping I don't notice her innocent inspections. And yet I know it isn't concern for me going ballistic, it's over my well-being.

Dammit woman, stop it.

You're driving me fucking mad with it. Shit… even now, a whole week knowing she was alive, even now I'm drowning in relief. It's not a sensation I'm used to, and I can't stop my heart fucking hammering away. What was the term she used? Drooling moron? I feel like I have it stamped across my forehead. I can't keep my eyes off her, I keep expecting to wake up in that cell and find out it was all a dream. That I had killed her. That those bastards had won. And yet again she squeezes my hand, as though she knows what I'm thinking. Can she really read me that well? Those golden eyes, that both haunted me, and comforted me recently, they see right through me don't they?

It's all so normal right now. It's like the past six months were the bad dream. Maybe that was all they had to be. Perhaps we could move on? A sharp sensation runs through my mind, and I know that isn't an option. I need to find those callous bastards. They need to pay their bloodied dues. For what they did to both of us, and subsequently the regiment. But if I'm really honest with myself; I want them to suffer for what they dared to do to her. With me as a witness to their crimes. Even now, I can see the blood trickling over her paling skin, weeping from open wounds, and glazing over deep bruises. Cold sweat clinging to her for days, her weary breathing as they took aim with each stroke of the knife, whip or baton. I put down my tea-cup, for fear that I might crush it. I see the light leave her golden eyes, as succumbs to the pain. And all that before their drugs sullied my world, turning her into my enemy.

Fuck it hurts to even think of that now.

Hanji and Robyn begin to joke together, but I confess I'm not really hearing it. I'm lost in my own thoughts. Hanji's glasses flash as she holds Robyn's wrists, shaking them with ridiculous over-excitement. Presumably it's some kind of experiment. Robyn just laughs. She shakes her head, red hair flailing all around as she coos back at her friend.

Damn my chest hurts.

I'm never letting you out of my sight again, brat, you're too damn important.

I just hope I can properly convey that to you one day.

"Captain, may I speak with you?" I hear the voice of Jeager and see the rest of the table look shocked. Oh good, I guess he looks _super_ happy to talk to me then? Robyn spun round immediately, golden eyes a little wide as she looks over my shoulder. Is that pleading in her eyes? A flicker of anger surges within me, not showing on the surface. How close had this shitty brat gotten to her during my absence? How far had he dared? I knew how he looked at her, even if she was still oblivious, idiot that she was. The anger has soon enough died though. Neither of them would act on it; the kid knows I'd fucking destroy him, and she… she was too good for such things. Yet I also hope he was there. To a degree. She was a fucking mess, even now she had shadows of pain etched into her face, and demeanour. I could scarcely imagine what she'd looked like while I'd been gone. She needed someone to apply some glue now and then. If it couldn't be me, I was glad it could be him.

Perhaps a Titan shifting, stubborn jackass such as Eren Jeager was a suitable step in.

I don't turn as I get out my chair, but I do flash my crazed woman a small smile to quell her nerves. I think it works. She sighs a little, and sits back into her chair. I then look at the kid with indifference. There wasn't much point in dressing this up, he had already caused a scene, but really he was right to approach me.

Things had to be said.

On both sides.

I nod at him, and we head for the compound. At the doorway I glance back at Robyn. She's turned, clinging to the backrest of her chair. Like a kid waiting for the rain to stop. I freeze a little when she smiles at me broadly, and I do my best to fight the blush. She looks at me like… like I'm everything. Dammit woman. Stop making me love you even more, for just one minute? I can't fucking handle this, my heart can only take such a damned beating. She really was relentless.

Jeager leads me away from the building, I don't bother asking where we're going. He's furious, but I think he actually wants to talk. I watch him stride along, fists clenched as he bows his head a little. Somehow the fucker had got taller. That wasn't fair. I could still take him down though. I hope he realises that. As we head for the training forest I slow up, not scared of going in there, I just know if this takes too long she'll come looking. She was probably being talked out of coming out here right now. We couldn't disappear, or she'd freak.

"Oi! Jeager, I don't need a damn tour of the training grounds. I wasn't gone that long."

"Shit… sorry, sir." He mutters, stopping and turning on his heel. I guess he was just trying to cool his head before we talked, having psyched himself up to do this in the first place. He wasn't hard to read. But I don't have endless patience. I'm aware he had to say his piece, but I'm not about to completely indulge him. Fuck that.

"Well come on then brat." I sigh, noting how his expression hardens at 'brat'.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" he says, looking at the ground.

"Granted, if you get on with it."

"I'm so sorry." He says, standing up straight all of a sudden, looking me straight in the eye. I manage to conceal it from the kid, but shit… I wasn't expecting that. I'm not sure exactly what I _was_ expecting, but it wasn't that.

"The hell are you saying?"

"I'm saying sorry, sir. For lashing out at you in the way I did…" he swallows hard, "I realise you were under the influence of whatever it was those people did to you, and it wasn't fair for me to—"

"Tch. Don't ask to speak freely, then talk at me like you have a stick up your ass." I just shake my head. The kid had gotten taller, and certainly grown up a fair bit, but he was still a shitty brat. I knew what this was, and he was an idiot for supposing I didn't. "Don't say shit just because you know it's what she wants."

He's quiet, and his nervous demeanour vanishes. He's angry now.

"I'm just trying to keep the peace."

"No, you're kissing ass." I correct, but sigh again as he revs himself up for a fight. This was pointless, it would get us nowhere, except maybe having our heads thumped together by our fiery companion. I pause for a moment, but know I have to be the bigger man here. I then ignore the irony in that statement – Titan-sized bastard that he was. I hold out my hand, hoping he might have the brains to accept it. Jeager stares like an idiot, and I'm about to retrieve it when he suddenly grasps it, and shakes firmly. A little too firmly, but I let it slide.

"I'm grateful to you Jeager."

"Um… w-what?" he stammers, momentarily losing that overbearing confidence.

"You obviously care a great deal about Robyn, and I'm guessing you're one of the reasons she's actually still _slightly_ sane?" I raise a brow and let go of his clammy hand. Disgusting.

"I guess… she's still been a mess though." He says through his teeth, frowning down at the ground again. I think the idiot's confused. He wants to hate me, wants to throttle me in all likeliness, but he knows she'd kill him. He also knows I'm still his commanding officer. "You really back to normal?" he demands, eyes suddenly burning with that freakish intensity of his.

"As far as we know, yeah." I reply, clearing my throat with the uneasy situation of not knowing for sure. I want to tell the kid to get a grip, to fuck off out of my business. But I don't feel it's warranted. He's obviously fiercely attached to Robyn, and whilst that makes me want to gut him, I can't hate him for it. She was a damned infectious woman, and at least his affection had helped her through all this. He wasn't an ally I fancied losing.

"Sir… I'm sorry to have to be so blunt but, I have to tell you right here, and right now…" I wait as he gathers his formidable courage and steps forward to loom over me a little. I don't move of course, I barely even blink, but I'll admit I'm impressed. A little. "If you hurt her again, I—"

"Kill me." I finish for him.

His mouth slowly closes, and a blush appears on his cheeks, but I know he heard me, and I know he understands me. I hold his gaze, I wasn't about to shy away from this. Fuck that. It was a loathsome idea, but this shitty brat just earned my respect. I'd kicked the living shit out of him in that courtroom, and I've hardly been kind since. Most would shy away from someone like that. Most, at his age and rank, wouldn't have the gall to even look at me for longer than five seconds. Yet here he was, threatening to kill me. I don't know if this kid even knows what love is, but I can tell he feels something pretty damn deeply. Shitty brat.

"So we understand each other." He says with a nod, retreating a step and losing the anger from his gaze. I pause and frown a little, he almost mirrors this.

"I'm not sure we do, brat."

"What?"

"Allow me to explain." I say, marching over and clutching his throat. "I respect the fact you care for her, I'm even grateful for you looking after her. Because of that I won't ask for you to leave her alone. You're her friend, and I'm fine with that." I tighten my hold on his neck, and he gives a small gasp, but is smart enough to not fight me. "But if you so much as _think_ of taking things further? I'll make you regret even looking at her. And it'll be a permanent regret."

It's not rational, hell it was something she'd deck me for saying. After all, it would be her choice also, and I had no right to decide it for her. She had every right to leave me. For all I knew, a few years down the line, (if we live that long) once she's sick of my bullshit, maybe she would want him instead. Maybe she would prefer his damned affection. But I'd have to hear it from her. And I'd trust hearing that development from her, because I trust her, a hell of a lot more than I trust him.

"Do we understand each other now?" I say raising my brow again. He nods, face a little red as he is denied air. I hold for a moment more, before dropping him and letting him crumple to the floor. "Good to know Robyn has such a good friend by her side."

I hold my hand out and he grasps it to get to his feet.

"Thank you, sir."

"And you're thanking me why?" I say as we head back towards the building. He keeps pace with me, and rubs his throat a little. I'm a bit peeved there won't be a bruise to show for that, weirdo will heal by the time we even get back to the HQ.

"For listening to me, sir. And taking me seriously."

"Well… your welcome I guess." I shrug. He was happy I'd throttled him… Kid was as crazy as she was. If it ever did happen, which I hoped I was dead before it did, they'd match up pretty well.

"And I am genuinely glad to have you back, sir. I hope you know that."

"I appreciate the sentiment brat, but lets' not start braiding each other's hair?" I sigh, and I notice a weird little grin cross his face. That dick better not have just imagined me with braids. But as we cross the hand-to-hand area I spot her stood waiting. She waits, leaning against the building, arms crossed across her chest, and red hair shifting in the evening breeze. Eren's expression clouds.

"Sir?"

"Yeah, Jeager?"

"I realise you might not want to um…" he scratches the back of his head nervously, and I roll my eyes, holding onto what little patience I had left. "You might not be returning to sharing a… bedroom with… with Robyn yet. But if, and when you do…" he groans and stops walking, biting his lip with his eyes firmly fixed on her. I stop as well, and glance over to see her tilt her head and slowly stand away from the wall. Her own patience seemed to be giving out as well.

"C'mon brat spit it out, not that it's any of your damn business where I sleep."

"Obviously she's been having nightmares, and I know she's always had them… but these are different sir. And I'm not sure she even knows she's doing it…" his eyes never look at me, remaining glued to her. I glance her way again, feeling a chill.

"Doing what, Jeager?"

"She keeps scratching at herself. But like… clawing. I don't know if it's the same dream or what, but recently instead of always waking up screaming, she lies there, slicing into herself. I think for a different dream it's a different area she attacks; sometimes her arm, other times her stomach. Occasionally over her heart."

"The fuck…" I mutter, and swallow a little bit when she gives a visible huff of irritation and begins to head our way. She looks so normal from here, striding as strong as she ever did. And yet now I know this? The hell are you doing to yourself now, you fucking madwoman. My madwoman. "So what, can't I just shake her awake? Or stop her hands moving?"

"Yes, yes of course. I just… thought you should know, how her habits have changed. I think she's been so worried about bothering anyone since she got back, she's kind of… retreated into herself. But like I said, I'm not sure she even knows that she's doing it."

"Has she hurt herself much?" I don't mean to, but I kind of whisper it, unsure of whether I really want to know the answer to that.

"Mostly I've managed to stop her, sir. But on the odd occasion, when I haven't woken up or noticed, she's made some pretty deep wounds… sorry, should I have just—"

"You did the right thing, Jeager." I sigh, turning back to him as she gets closer, though still not in earshot. I was glad the kid had taken the time to warn me, I would be prepared now instead of blindsided by her newest form of self-torture. But still… I glare at him a little. He blushes. "Though Jeager, I'm curious as to _how_ you know this? When she supposedly _didn't_ wake up screaming."

"I… I uh…" his blush gets worse as he holds up his hands, "Well her nightmares were really getting to her, so she… she asked for me to stick around few nights. I had a camp bed, wasn't _anywhere_ near her, sir! I swear!"

"Glad to hear it, you can keep your dick for now." I say, turning to Robyn as she jogs over and looks between us, brow raised and smirk in place. I hear the kid give a nervous laugh, but I'm well aware he knows I wasn't joking.

"And what're you two old ladies gossiping about?" she breathes, bouncing as she stops her jog.

"Better than beating the shit out of each other right?" I reply, and she rolls her eyes at me.

"Yeah, it's better… you talked it all out? Cried on each other's shoulders?" she sniggers and I just shake my head at her before slipping my arm round her waist to head back to base. I rub small circles against her side as we walk, and glance her way whilst she watches her shoes. She's smiling, and seems content, but I see the bruising under her eyes, and slightly sunken look to her cheeks. Really she'd done amazing, I know I'd have snapped had I gone six months not knowing anything. I mean… she'd probably suspected I was dead. And I'd found a week hard enough with that kind of realisation. I'll never understand how she does it. How she can be so damn strong.

But I'm looking forward to having the chance to find out.

I hold her a little closer.

* * *

 **ROBYN POV**

I have no idea what they were talking about, but I'm glad to see no one throwing punches. But I think I saw the fading effects of a chokehold, but I can't be sure. With Levi sat at the table, scowling as he does, the world set to rights at long last. Keza and him had a slightly awkward reunion, which she doesn't help in by throwing her arms round his neck and giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. For a second I think he's going to flip out. But instead he confuses me further by holding her close, and kissing her cheek back. It seemed he was immensely grateful to her, and frankly I'm touched by their comradery. Though I'll admit to sitting a little closer to him after that.

We all sat there talking for hours. Filling him in on what had gone on in his absence, and how the missions had fared. He seems happy enough, and occasionally smirks at the jokes. It's like nothing even happened. But soon enough the night wears on, and sleep comes calling.

I head with him to our bedroom, elated at the idea of finally having a peaceful sleep with him there to fend off my nightmares. Finally I can have his warm arms around me, his breath against the back of my neck, and comforting sound of his breathing.

He suddenly staggers to a stop.

I hold his arm, panicking at his sudden rigid form, and widened eyes. Was he remembering something awful? Or fighting a trigger? Was he in pain? Shit. I look around for Hanji, but he slowly takes my hand, turns to me with a frown and seems almost embarrassed about something. I wait, but he doesn't seem keen on voicing it. We're alone in the hallway, I've already checked that, and so I swallow my stutters and attempt to help.

"Levi, what is it? Are you all right? Should I get Hanji?" I put a hand to his cheek, trying to make him look at me. But when he does so I cringe back from the guilt there. What the hell was going on? He gently holds my chin, and pulls me into a tender kiss. I'm still confused, but don't deny him. That's not really an option right now. My arms wrap round his neck, and my tongue is about to lick at his bottom lip when he pulls away with a heavy sigh, putting his forehead to mine. I stop, trying to ignore the insult that pangs in my mind. It wasn't that he was rejecting me, it was his fear. I purse my lips, and run my hands gently through his hair. His eyes close as he shakes his head.

"I can't risk it Robyn. Not so soon. Not when I just got you back."

"I had only intended to _sleep_ next to you, Levi. Don't be so arrogant to—" my joke dies in my throat as his pale eyes latch onto mine. I close my mouth and swallow hard. His hand returns to my chin, thumb gently running over my bottom lip as his eyes follow it.

"I think you and I _both_ know that wouldn't be the case. Even if that's what you intended."

"I guess… not…" I breathe, a little flustered by even that simple touch. It only confirms what he says, but it doesn't stop my impatience. Not with him of course, just with this shitty situation. He was free, he was home, and yet he still felt so damned distant. They were still in control.

"But Levi… surely the amount of time will make no difference, either it's a trigger, or it isn't. Be it now, or in another six months. By… by wasting time we let them win…" I whisper, and he clenches his teeth, knowing I'm right, but still feeling afraid. I slowly draw in a deep breath, and search out my courage. I could do this, I could bring him home. "I'm not willing to do that, sorry."

I grab the back of his neck and crash his lips to mine. I back up and hit the wall, pulling him against me as tight as I can, sighing a little as we share a breath between parted lips. He groans into the kiss, fighting the dilemma inside himself. His hand shakily goes to the back of my neck, puling me closer as I tilt my head to deepen the kiss. But he's pushing against my torso with the other hand. He pulls, he pushes. I ignore all of it, focusing on the skin to skin contact. My fingers lace into his hair, and I whimper a little as I feel my eyes grow warm. But still he breaks the kiss, groaning again as he fights it.

" _Please Levi_." I breathe, our foreheads pressed together.

"What if it _is_ a trigger… what if I… Robyn, it's not that I don't want to," he gulps, hand pulling me closer still, and other hand still trying to pull away. "I do _… I really do._ But I can't risk it."

"If it is a trigger? What a way to go." I snigger, and he shakes his head with a frown.

He isn't ready.

It hurts, but I know I'm just being selfish. I look down at the ground, lick my lips a little and fight back the tears. I really don't know why they're there, so I try and deny they exist. I nod and step away from him, allowing some space.

"All right, not tonight."

"Don't think that I don't…"

"I know you do." I smile, and run a hand through his hair. I feel a warmth in my chest as he sighs and leans into the touch. "Just promise me you'll consider it, by the end of the week?"

"And if I don't?" he challenges, frowning at me a little. I hold up my hands to him.

"Well… nothing really. I just want to have some kind of end in sight."

"All right. I'll… I'll consider it. I'm sorry—" I cut him off by pressing my finger to his lips, he sighs and gives a sorry looking nod. I then seal the moment with a gentle, loving kiss and turn to walk towards my own room. I really had hoped he'd be ready. I'd really hoped he'd be able to chase away the shadows tonight. I clench my hands, readying myself for another night of battle.

"Oi! Robyn!" he calls down the corridor, I turn to frown at him, tilting my head. "I love you."

"And I love you." I say with a slight laugh, he gives a wee nod and walks away, hands in his pockets.

Sweet dreams, Levi.

Sweet dreams.

* * *

 **LEVI POV**

I lie there in the darkness of my quarters, under the covers, waiting to sleep. It's so cold in here. And quiet too. The bed feels fucking enormous; compared to the small bed I'd dwelled in whilst in captivity, and then down in the cells, and now without Robyn's warmth next to me. I feel like I'm drowning in it. Is it fucking made for Titans or something? I roll over with a huff, shut up you idiot and get to sleep. Tomorrow I'd be back on duty, and I had plenty work to make up for. I had plenty to make up for in general.

But sleep doesn't seem keen on turning up.

Shitty prick.

I lie there staring ahead into the darkness, occasionally wondering if I've drifted off, but of course I haven't. If I had I wouldn't be wondering. Fuck sake. I groan and run my hands through my hair. This all such a mess. It felt so good to have her have her hands running through my hair again, after so damn long. Then my mind wanders. I remember the want in her eyes, the air of desperation as she kissed me, clinging to me and burning with every single touch, every gentle caress.

Shit.

And I'd said no?

I laugh at myself as my frustrations surface, letting themselves be known. It was stupid, I was sure Hanji had been thorough in her studies. And yet I couldn't help but doubt. This was a case of context, and until I was in that moment, I wouldn't know if it would be a trigger or not. And by then it could be too late. Her image flashes in my mind, red lips parted as she breathes my name, begging for me to give in. Dammit. It was something I'd have to face eventually, maybe I had been a fool. Maybe I should just go for it, let her have a blade under the pillow in case I turn psycho. I sit up, elbows on knees as I take deep breaths. She wouldn't do it though, she wouldn't use the knife. I know she wouldn't. Even if I was choking the life out of her, she'd just smile up at me, and say sorry. The idea in itself makes me want to throw up. Dammit, why did she have to care about me that much? No one ever had before, so why was she so stupid to?

My door creaks open.

Shit.

No, no, no, no, no!

Robyn don't do it, please don't do it. I won't be able to resist. I know I won't. For all my heirs and graces, for all my supposed strength, I was still a man and I'd been denied the woman I loved for half a fucking year. If you fucking turn up now I'm going to lose it. I know I am. Please, please go back to your room where you're safe. Please? I lie there, gripping the sheets, and holding my breath. Time seems to turn sluggish as I wait, she hasn't said anything yet, maybe she'll just chicken out and go back to her room. Maybe she'll just—

"Levi?"

Shit.

That's all it takes.

Her damned voice, whispering with concern and soft confusion. I'm there. I'm out the bed, pushing her against the door, pinning her there as I hungrily ravage her mouth with mine. I can't help it. Our tongues caress, and I taste her fire, the same fire I'd been longing for all this time. My hands are all over her, sliding across every dip and curve, worshipping every scar and supposed imperfection. I'm smothered in my need for her. Our breathing is ragged instantly, and I hitch her legs round my waist, ripping her nightshirt off in the next second. She gasps at the intensity, but she goes along with it. Her hands tangle in my hair, the sensation alone makes me groan into our kiss, and she tugs impatiently. I let my head hang back and she kisses, bites, and licks along my throat, panting my name.

Shit, yes, say it again brat.

Never stop.

I whirl round and throw her onto the bed, meeting her there less than a second later. Our lips barely break apart before being recaptured in scalding desperation. I'm a moaning mess as I feel her warmth beneath me, as I feel her pulse with my wandering hands. I want all of her. I need all of her. The soft material of her knickers practically dissolves under my clutching fingers, discarded in silken shreds as I run my hand along her thigh.

"Nng... _Levi…_ " she gasps, kissing me deeply again. "I need you… Mm… _please_."

That's all it takes.

My hands wrap round her neck and begin to squeeze.

My legs pin hers in place, and my weight forces her against the bed, powerless beneath me.

 _No, no! What am I doing, stop it, stop it you bastard!_

Yes. Finally she would pay for all she had done.

 _No, she hasn't done anything! She never had, she never would! I love her, stop this! Stop it!_

Her golden eyes stare up at me in the moonlight, so wide and bright as the life it strangled from her. I see fear, I see despair. And I revel in it. Yes.

 _No! You're killing her… shit no, **I'm** killing her. Someone stop this, for fuck sake! Jeager come and do as you fucking said you would, why aren't you throwing me off her and breaking me apart. Someone help!_

"L-L…evi!" she chokes, red lips ajar in guttural gasps as her face flushes with the blush of suffocation. That's it bitch, it's finally your time to die. Time to perish like all those soldiers you killed.

 _Please Robyn fight back harder, stop me doing this… I can't... I can't do this again._

I feel the bones in her neck give, and her pupils suddenly blow out.

 _Oh god no._

A small smile tugs at her lips as her feeble struggles cease into useless twitches of defeat.

 _Don't leave me. Don't burn out. Don't you dare, brat!_

"S-so…rry." She gags before her eyes roll back, the colour vanishing into her skull as two white orbs glare back at me.

That's all it takes.

I scream, falling back into the dishevelled sheets, staring at her still body as I convulse with onset shivering. For a few seconds it's all I can do. The silence hangs there like a frayed noose, used and worn. I look at my hands in disgust, suddenly understanding how she had always imagined her own caked in blood, only now mine are soaked in hers. They always would be. They prickle gently, a ghost of the sensation lingering after gripping that slender throat, and snapping that fragile neck.

Oh god.

Shit.

No, no, no, no, no!

Robyn don't do it, please don't do it.

Don't leave me again.

I scramble over to her, lifting her into my arms and pushing the hair from her vacant face. Nothing. She just stares blindly up at me, mouth slightly ajar in non-existent breathing. I shake her violently, watching with sickening clarity as her head lolls against the lack of support from her broken neck. I suck in a breath through my teeth and gently cradle her head against my chest, rocking back and forth with only my own sorry panting to break the heavy nothing.

What…?

What have…

What have I done?

* * *

 **ROBYN POV**

He just keeps screaming. His hands are clamped over his eyes, back arched and entire body rigid. I've never heard him yell like this, and I'm glad in a way. The sound's burrowing into me, carving new ways to feel pain as I desperately try and shake him awake.

What the fuck was he having to relive?

I've already slapped him, shoved him, begged him. But nothing is working. He just lies there, screaming into the darkness of his room, occasionally gasping for air. I light all the lanterns I can find, to ensure he wakes to a normal room, with no shadows left to linger. When Hanji appears, I assure her we don't need to strap him down, we don't need to bind him. He's had enough of that. She hands me a sedative anyway. I swallow hard and go back over to him, desperately trying to remove his hands from his eyes.

"Levi! Wake up!" I sob, tears falling down as I feel the pain in his voice as it rips out of him. Please wake up. Please stop this. I thump against his chest, and shove myself in between his arms, clinging to his neck as I shout into his ears. "Levi it's me, it's Robyn! Wake up! You're safe, you're fine! Please! I-" I gag a little, shaking him again, "I won't let them hurt you again. Please! Come back to me!"

Suddenly he stops. He gasps wildly, sitting bolt upright. I'm flung to the floor with the momentum and lie there, panting as I stare up at him. His screaming stops, silenced by his waking mind realising the noise he was making. He gapes at me, and I gape right back. For a few seconds we're just stuck like that, confusion ringing like a bell on both counts. I reach out slowly, about to try and reassure him he was safe, but by time I've blinked he's on me. Sat straddling my lap, he sits on his knees, hands clasping either side of my face as he stares in disbelief. He's still panting, but otherwise he's silent. I stay as still as I can. He looks frightened enough without me spooking him. His hands are trembling, and tears brim his eyes. I open my mouth to speak, but I'm silenced when he wrenches me into his chest, arms wrapping round so tight I can barely breathe as I feel his shivering run into my bones.

"It was a dream…" I breathe, nuzzling into him a little, gently. I feel him nod against my hair, but he makes no other response. "You're safe. I won't let them hurt you again. I promise."

He gets very tense all of a sudden. I wait, but the shivering just gets worse, to the point that I wonder if he's having a fit. I try and lean back, but he just holds me there, his breathing gradually slowing as he tries to calm himself. I just have to wait.

"Robyn?" calls Hanji's voice through the door, a little nervously. "Is everything all right?"

"I'm all right Hanji, he's going to be fine!" I call back quickly, knowing how it must have sounded from that side of the door; all the shouting suddenly stopping with a thud on the floor. "Go back to bed!"

"All right… you know where I am if you need me."

"Thanks Hanji!" I call, feeling his arms slowly release so I can lean away just enough to get my arms up and round his neck, putting my face against the crook of his neck. "Hey." I kiss his throat gently, relieved by the long sigh he gives in return. He's still shaking though.

"It was a dream." He says, voice hoarse from his screams. I jolt a little, feeling his tears tumbling down as we sit holding each other. I don't know how long we sit there, and frankly I don't care. Bit by bit his breathing evens out. The tears slowly stop, and dry in their juddering tracks. And finally his heart slows, and his shivering calms to little more than occasional tremors. But still he doesn't move, and doesn't say anything. He's out of the woods, but still lost.

"You want to talk about it?" I whisper gently.

He shakes his head, holding me a little tighter again. I swallow, and lick my lips as I try and think of a way through this. Come on Sanshi, think it out, help him. For god's sake help him. I'm so scared I'll fuck this up.

"You want to move to the bed?"

Again he shakes his head, violently. In fact he started holding his breath. I strong his hair gently, kissing his throat again to try and soothe him. It works, a little.

"Stay here okay? I'm just gonna get the blanket, and the pillow." It takes a couple minutes, but he does let go, and let me do as I said. I lie down and gently run my fingers along his cheekbone, watching how his eyes never leave my face, shining with disbelief. His face is otherwise characteristically blank, the slightest of raises to the middle of his brows. But otherwise, stoic as always. I'm so glad I can read him better these days.

"It was a dream."

"Come here." I say, smiling gently, and he slowly lowers down next to me, tugging me over to hold me to his chest again, running his hand through my hair as he breathes me in. I snuggle in as close as I can, and run my hand up and down his arm. He seems content with the quiet, but I know I need to say something, to reassure him. "I don't know what you dreamt Levi… and…" I swallow hard, trying to ignore how my eyes warm up. "And I don't know what you're having to deal with in your head… I'm so sorry that I don't. But just know, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

He tenses, pulling me further onto his chest. I let him do as he pleases, having nothing to fight back with. Neither want, nor objection.

"Problem is you should." He says, voice like gravel.

"What?" I try and get up to look at him, but he just holds me in place. I don't fight it, I know there's no point. I just lie there and wait for him to explain. I'm desperate to understand.

"The only thing threatening your survival right now, Robyn, is me. But… I'm so sorry. Robyn I'm so fucking sorry." He says through clenched teeth, putting his head against mine, and his shivering starts again. "I-I can't let go of you right now… so really I'm just endangering you more… shit… I can't—"

"Shh, hey, please… stop. Calm down a bit. I… I don't understand."

"I'm too fucking selfish to save you." He croaks, putting his head into my hair, gasping a little as he tries to hold himself together. It's then that I realise it doesn't matter what he means, it doesn't matter what is supposedly threatening me right now. I don't care. If it himself that he thinks is threatening me, I obviously can't convince him otherwise right now. I shift, and wrap my arms all the way round him as best I can, and hold him, listening to his heartbeat.

"If you being selfish, means I get to stay next to you? Please be selfish Levi, for once, just be fucking selfish."

We lie in a gentle quiet for a few minutes, and I feel him give another tremble. Only then realising it was a tremble caused by laughter. He had chuckled, gently and only for a moment, but still it had been a chuckle. My heart swells a little and I squeeze him.

"You're a fucking maniac." He breathes, shifting down to look me in the eye, and I meet him head on. His eyes no longer hold disbelief, but instead a faint adoration. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but right now I can't question it. Right now I can do nothing but enjoy his closeness.

"But I'm _your_ fucking maniac." I say with a smile, despite the tears that start to fall. He flinches a little at the sight of me crying, but he just smiles a little and pulls me close all over again, nestling his head against my chest. He listens for a few moments, seeming to calm with each steady thrum of my heart.

"I guess we're both fucked then." He breathes tiredly, I kiss the top of his head, and smooth down his hair.

"Absolutely."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! I've actually caught up with myself at last :P I was editing uploading before, and now I've caught up, i'm also writing with each upload. So I MAY have to upload a little less frequently, BUT, will still aim for the 5-7 days mark. I shall endeavor to not disappoint! (though I am technically late by a day already *hides*)**

 **Note: I am going on holiday for 2 weeks with my boyfriend :D so there me be a delay due to that, but I still gotta write right?! He knows this, so don't fear. Haha, see you all soon, and lets all hope that darn glitch gets fixed soon eh?**

 **Shoutouts below ^_^ I can't help it, you're all so lovely I have to respond! I swear you all make me beetroot with blush! Although I will say right now, and right here, thank you to everyone for giving such lengthy reviews, takes my breath away every time!**

 **Maria: I am both pleased, and apologetic for making you cry! Yeah, there will be bloody retribution, don't you worry ;) and FYI you're an awesome reviewer, thank you so much.**

 **Mrs Michaelis: Your poor poor furniture! I felt it was time for some reward for the onslaught of feels I have pelted you all with. So I hope the wait was worth it my dear!**

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 **Wildyy: just breathe, all will be fine... maybe... this is AOT so... yeah, maybe! You are very welcome, I love writing this story, and all my others, and I'm just so thrilled people seem to enjoy them. It's all I ever wanted from my writing!**

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 **Earthlover: If I bring a smile to someone I am happy! Thrilled even! I always endeavour to update regularly, and I hope the wait is always worth it.**


	27. Jackass

**Hello reader! Yes, this is still going! I seriously have too much to say don't I? Oh well!**

 **Is this on time? I think it's on time!**

 **I hope you enjoy :D the intesity levels are slightly lowered :D figured you could do with a kind of breather .**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT!**

* * *

Sunlight is warm against my face and I blink into the new day. My back aches, but I don't shift, feeling him breathe against me. I look down and see his head still pressed to my chest, his dark hair falling across his face as his eyes gently flicker in dreams. His lack of movement makes me at least hopeful that they're good dreams. Please let them be. I gently brush his hair back, and run my fingers through the silken locks, smiling as a small frown creases his brow before a smile threatens upon his lips. He was so peaceful, so calm. The image of his distress from last night is all too present in my mind, and I shiver a little as I remember how his screams bounced off the walls. But right now all is well.

I'd only intended to peek in last night and leave again, but as soon as I peered round the door I knew I couldn't leave. He was breathing hard, gripping the sheets as he mumbled and panted. I sat by his bed and watched him, unsure of whether to wake him or not. Whilst watching him sleep I had wondered what would have happened if I had followed him here earlier, if I had pushed past his fears and made him face it. The fact was I needed to know if I could be with him like that, if I could manage it without being reminded of—I gritted my teeth and hugged my knees. He hadn't remembered when we'd broken through the last of the triggers, at least as far as we knew, it was the last. Perhaps they hadn't been able to make his mind latch onto it the way they had with the rest of their dirty work. Perhaps they would have had to repeat it in order to do that. I swallowed hard at that thought, of them repeatedly entering my cell and… I swallow again. He hadn't remembered. Maybe he never would.

In the warm light of day, with his body pressed against me, I almost felt foolish for doubting being able to be intimate with him. But then again this might not prove anything. It was all contextual, and right now this was perfectly innocent. He was asleep soundly, and it was nothing more than a tender hug I was getting. Or the occasional unconscious boob nuzzle. But again, I was all innocent. I gnaw my lip and lay back in the pillow, my hand still drifting through his hair as I stare up at the ceiling. Surely with Levi it would be different, I always felt so safe with him, so protected. Surely the dark memories couldn't sully that. My eyes grow warm at the mere echo of those painful moments, of seeing him sob against the bars as he was made to watch. Please don't remember Levi. Please. Save yourself that, at least. I sigh and close my eyes, I have to talk to someone about this. And I'm fairly confident Keza is my best bet, she was probably the only one with evenly remotely similar experiences. I grit my teeth. That meant talking about it.

"Rbyn..?" he sleepily mumbles, shifting his head onto my shoulder as he slowly rouses from sleep. I pause my hand and hold my breath, hoping he wakes calmly. It's not that I'm concerned what he'd do, I don't really care if he wakes to strike out, or lash at me, but I'd prefer him to wake with a peaceful mind for once.

"Robyn?!" he says again sitting upright a little, sleepy eyes wide as he looks around a moment before looking at me, and breathing out in relief.

"Good morning." I breathe, reaching up to run my fingertips against his cheekbone, he sighs deeply, leaning into my touch as his brows crease a little. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah… I think so…" he says, laying back down, and pulling me over to rest on his chest. I put my hand over his heart and rest my chin there as I look up at him with a gentle smile, taking it slow seemed the best option. He stares up as I had for a few minutes, before working his hand through my hair. "Guess I scared you, huh, brat?"

"You could say that." I reply tilting my head against his hand. "But I'm just glad I was here to help. You sounded so…"

"I'm all right, brat."

"Don't do that." I sigh, laying my head on the pillow next to him, he frowns at me and I can see the mask slipping back into place. I trace under his eye where the slight bruise of all those sleepless nights still lingers. "Don't shut me out."

"I can't keep heaping these things onto your shoulders. That isn't right." He says, lips pursing into a tight line. I give a slight laugh, shaking my head as my fingers run along his bottom lip.

"By shutting me out, you only make it heavier." I edge in and kiss him gently, he returns it, his hand resting on my hip, slowly drawing small circles there with his thumb. "Please let me help you, Levi? _Please?_ "

For some reason my plea makes him shudder, and his hand suddenly grips my hip tightly. This causes my own shudder, and I try and mask my discomfort. It was almost painful, holding me there, in place. Like… like they did. Shit.

"Brat?" he frowns and begins to draw the circles again, having noticed my odd reaction. I suck it up and give a soft smile.

"I just want to help… that's all." I reassure him, he doesn't seem wholly convinced, but he lets it drop, his eyes drifting down to my lips, then lingering on my throat where they tighten slightly. I swallow and slip my hand into his, removing it from my hip and bringing it to my lips. "What was the dream about, Levi?"

He grits his teeth, still staring at my throat fixedly.

"Levi, let me in. Let me help you."

"I dreamt…" his eyes snap up to meet mine and I refuse the instinct to cringe back against the pain lingering there. I just have to stay steady, that's all I have to do. I could do this, I could be there for him. It takes a few attempts but eventually he manages to explain, and I can't deny it makes me feel a little cold. It seemed that I was tormenting him even in sleep. As he finishes his explanation, his eyes stay on my throat, and he gently strokes his fingers there. I stay very still.

"I'm so sorry Levi… but it really was just a dream."

"How can you be so calm? How can you say that?" he hisses, sitting up and looking away. I stay where I am and let the dust settle. Shame practically radiates off of him. "Brat I clearly still have them ruling my head… I can't risk… I can't—"

"You said in your dream you were horrified, you were begging yourself to stop."

"So? I still… snapped… your neck. It doesn't matter what else I was thinking, if I even think to do something like that, I'd rather I just hadn't come ba—"

"Levi!" I sit up and slap him hard, fearing I'd do worse if he finished that damned sentence. I feel the tingle in my hand, knowing I struck too hard as I get up to pace a little. I could handle trauma, I could deal with paranoia and PTSD. But a defeated Levi was something I couldn't handle. At least, not right now. He sits there leaning on his knees, staring at the floor.

"This isn't you, this is them. Stop letting them win." I plead, and he just clenches his jaw.

"If fighting back means possibly… doing _that…_ then I'll fucking stay their puppet." He growls getting up. I march over to him and jab him hard in the chest, my whole body shivering with rage. The very idea of him giving in made me sick.

"You're no one's puppet god dammit! You're Captain Levi, Humanity's Strongest, not some doe eyed idiot willing to sacrifice that for a fucking woman!" I shout, and he pushes my hand away to loom over me a little.

"Maybe I'm sick of being Humanity's Strongest!"

"Don't give me that shit!" I shove him, barely making him move as tears again brim my eyes. "You've got too much fight in you to give up now. How dare you even consider that?!"

"How dare you think you're just some fucking woman!" he snarls, taking my face in his hands. "How dare you think I could fucking keep fighting if I'd done that to you! Are you _actually_ an idiot, or are you seriously so delusional to not know how damned important you are!"

"I can be replaced!"

"No you can't!" he pushes me against the wall and crashes his lips to mine. My fury turns into something else entirely, and I tangle my hands in his hair, relishing the way his tongue rams into my mouth hungrily. Yet as he pushes against me harder, hips grinding into me, I shudder and push him away. Fear prickles all over my mind, not of him, but of what I might end up reliving. Or what I might do in the heat of the moment. His eyes are wild and he's panting, but I think he puts my reservation down to concern rather than fear. I put my forehead to his, letting the tears fall.

"You… you really can't be replaced Robyn, not to me." He breathes heavily, hands resting on my hips again, his thumbs drawing those small circles. I swallow hard against my retort, trying to understand the fact that if these roles were reversed, I would be saying exactly the same thing. Except the idea of me being Humanity's Strongest, really didn't paint a confident picture of the regiment's ability to serve. But that was beside the point. "Where else would I find a fucking nutter willing to deal with me, and my shit?"

"All right… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"You're agreeing with me?" he almost laughs, and just stick out my tongue a little. But as we stand there in a more relaxes quiet, my momentary distraction ends. He'd spoken with such disregard for all the good he had done. I couldn't stand to think he was so willing to give all that up. If he was ready to do that, perhaps our captors had already won.

"Are you really sick of this? Of being Humanity's Strongest?" I close my eyes and wait with bated breath. I can't make the decision for him, but I also can't pretend I'm okay with it either way. He sighs and puts his hands behind my head, tangling them in my hair as he seeks out his words.

"It isn't the title I'm sick of, it's having to put all that first. Right now I just want to be a selfish bastard, and focus on protecting what's important to me, instead of humanity." He speaks quickly, blurting out his confession. But I get it. I understand.

"So you don't regret being a soldier?"

"I can't allow myself regrets Robyn, and if I hadn't been a soldier, I wouldn't have had the chance to get wrapped up in your nonsense." He chuckles, shaking his head as it rests against mine still. "I don't regret anything, I just feel like my priorities have been slightly changed."

"All right… that sounds… reasonable."

"Again… agreeing with me…" he murmurs with suspicion. I roll my eyes.

"I'm trying to be supportive here, it's a new sensation for a selfish arse like myself." I mutter, and he gives the back of my head a small tap of annoyance. "Just… just don't give in Levi… please… we'll get through this together, and we can protect each other all right?"

"I guess I'm not allowed to give up anymore, right?" he huffs and I smile shakily before he captures my lips in a soft kiss. Its tender and its loving, I can't help but sigh like the drooling moron I feared I was becoming permanently. I reach up and cup his jaw.

"You're fucking right about that at least. Good to know you still know how this works."

"I can't lose you Robyn. It's pathetic, but it's true." He breathes softly. I kiss his head and lay my hands against his chest, smiling broadly when he finally looks at me in the eye. I'm guessing he likes what he sees, as his eyes soften and a smirk pulls on his lips. "Still think I'm the strongest?"

"Yes I do. And I don't think that'll ever change." I reply, playing with the collar of his night shirt. He takes a long breath and just stares at me for a moment. I meet his eye, but soon begin to blush. "What's that look for? Do I actually have drool on my chin?" I put my hand there to wipe it away, but he just takes my hand and presses his lips there.

"I'm a damned lucky man."

"Uhuh…" I say with a raised brow. He did realise the string of bad luck we had _just_ got through? His eyes crinkle slightly as he plays with my hair again, smirk remaining in place.

"The world's shit, and we have to wade through it every day. But given all that, I still get you… I mean… that's pretty unfair to everyone else."

"Did you hit your head when I wasn't looking?" I snort, but he just pecks my lips again and shakes his head.

"Very well, deny it all you like brat… for now I'll let it go. But in the meantime, I guess I better get back to work."

"Probably a good idea." I yawn, "You've kind of been slacking lately." I turn to for the door.

"Oi, brat." He calls as I pass through the threshold, I pause and glance back over my shoulder, brow raised. He scratches at the back of his head. "Thank you."

"You're welcome Captain. See you at breakfast." I say with a dip of my head. "We have a lot of work to do. You lazy bastard."

* * *

At breakfast there's a few concerned looks, but no one bothers to ask. They probably all heard the screaming, but they have the good grace not to pry. Right in front of him at least, though as of yet I haven't had to tell anyone where to stick their unwarranted curiosity. The Captain is sat sipping his tea, uniform on, and mask in place. He knew what he needed to do, and he was willing to try. That in itself made my heart calm down. As soon as I entered the mess-hall ahead of the Captain by about five minutes, both Erwin and Hanji had sent me prying looks. I had done my best to reassure them through expression alone, but I guessed the bruising beneath my eye kind of gave me away. It hadn't been an easy night, but we had got through, as always. Eren is sat eating, a solemn look on his face as his eyes glance between me and the Captain, but I just reassure him with a small nod. He returns it, but he still scans over me carefully, presumably looking for signs of a struggle. I swallow hard as I consider how he'd react to knowing what Levi had dreamed about. It barely even made me flinch, dreams were dreams; I'd had enough surreal nightmares in my time to know many of them meant squat.

Everything would be fine.

In the end.

All we had to do was get things back to normal, or as normal as they ever were around here.

After breakfast Erwin calls for an emergency mission meeting. Before all this had kicked off, there had been a mission scheduled for a few days away, but now that had to be put under scrutiny. It couldn't be delayed for long, the snows would set in soon, but he wasn't keen on overloading his Captain. Not that he said this. Erwin was a master of dancing round the point when he wanted to. The entire time he outlines this change to the plans, I see Levi's patience slip more and more. I give Erwin plenty warning looks, but he just smiles at me, and keeps going. He knows what's going to happen, and he's willing to deal with that apparently. Better him than me. Although I am at almost the opposite end of the table from Levi, so I could just sit back and watch the chaos unfold if he did kick off. I smile into my coffee as the meeting continued, who was I kidding? When it kicked off.

"This is a load of shit."

Here we go.

"You fucking know it is Erwin, so don't give me that look." Says Levi, standing up and gathering up the papers for the original mission, disregarding the fresh ones Erwin had drawn up. "The only reason you're delaying this mission, is me."

"What of it?"

"We've wasted enough time for my benefit." Says the Captain in his usual stoic manner, I watch him closely and feel the groups eyes move to me. I just keep watching as my Captain draws the papers closer to him and scans then over. "We'll go on the mission as planned, that's final."

"Good to know I'm still in charge…" murmurs Erwin with a raised brow as he sips his coffee and watches as Levi bristles. They were old friends, and I knew there was a deep set respect and comradery between them. But when Levi looked at Erwin like that, I knew he wanted to back hand his Commander.

"The longer we wait, the more we allow those fuckers to win. And I'm not willing to do that." He says looking my way with a small nod. I grin and return it.

There he was, there was my Captain.

"So it would seem we are set." Says Erwin with a small shrug, he's unsure about the situation, but also well aware he can do nothing to sway the Captain's mind. People had been doing that enough lately. "We shall set out as originally planned. The Squads will also be as originally intended. In that case we can—"

"But sir!" Eren suddenly stands up as he shouts, hands upon the table as he leans towards the Commander. Silence wiggles into the small office and looks around as Erwin's cold blue eyes land on his subordinate, slowly raising a brow at the young man. Eren looks between me and Levi, his green eyes wide.

"What is it Eren?"

"Surely that is asking for problems! You can't have them on the same Squad, what if he… sorry, what if the Captain has another episode! He'd be armed and everything!"

I stay quiet, but me and Levi share a look that expresses the fact we won't be going anywhere but on the same Squad. If we weren't at least in sight of each other, we'd both be too distracted. It was obvious to us, I just wonder why it isn't to Eren. Then again, I think his judgement was slightly clouded. Erwin pauses, presumably counting to ten at being questioned twice in one meeting within his own office, before leaning back in his chair and giving a simple smile. Somehow that's more threatening to me. Erwin was a scary man when he wanted to be.

"Are you, or are you not on that Squad, Eren?" he asks, resting his chin upon his clasped hands. Eren backs down a little, and blushes, nodding. "Then you have nothing to worry about. You will be there, first hand to keep an eye on the situation. I can't imagine that the captors were able to convince Levi of anything during battle, as that would be almost impossible to accurately simulate."

"However." Adds Levi, looking fixedly at the rolls of parchment for a few moments before finally looking up and meeting Eren's eye. I suddenly doubt our moment of shared thought process, and I know I'm going to hate what he says next. "We can't be sure that whatever they did in order to make me turn Titan in that arena, wasn't permanent."

"Say what now?" I lean forward, tilting my head at him. This was the first I was hearing of his concerns over that situation. He doesn't look at me.

"I don't think it was permanent, and from what Hanji has found from studying that weird pill thing, it seems unlikely. However… should it prove that I _can_ and _do_ turn Titan, Jeager is to take me down immediately. And with deadly force."

Silence hangs heavy.

I stare at him, eyes going wide as I try and hold onto my temper. But it was an unwieldy thing these days, and my grip is certainly loosened. Eren sits back down a little heavily, staring at the Captain in disbelief, before moving his bright gaze onto me. Guilt lingers.

"Did you hear me Jeager?"

"Y-Yes sir."

"That was a damn order." Snaps Levi, a brow raised. Eren nods, dodges my eye from that point, and gives a salute. I continue to try and reel in my flaring temper, and hold the arms of my chair a little tighter. The fuck had just been agreed?! As I consider the fact I'll lose both of them should things go wrong, I feel a little sick. Levi would be… gone, and I'd never be able to forgive Eren. Wait a god damn second, when the hell had Levi come up with this? I meet Erwin's gaze momentarily, and even he looks surprised by this. I wasn't about to let this slide. Not a chance, I may be a drooling moron, but I also happen to be a drooling moron with a decent right hook.

"You _are_ fucking joking?" I hiss and everyone turns to me. Levi studies the papers though, and refuses to look my way. "Captain Levi, I shall repeat in case you failed to hear me. You are _fucking_ joking, right?"

"I don't believe I'm known for my jokes." He says, still not looking up. Fucking coward. I wonder where this idea had been lingering this morning, as we fought over him having given up, or when he pressed me to the wall and passionately kissed me. Seems odd that it had magically appeared since then. Or if it had, why not warn me before the meeting? Oh I want to slap him so badly my fucking palm is itching.

"When you turned Titan in that arena, you stopped before you hurt me. We don't need to have Eren on the kill switch from the get go."

"No, you _think_ I did."

"Excuse me? Am I supposed to have imagined this?" I scoff, standing up slowly.

"No, but you have no way of knowing that for sure, they took me out of the nape before it could be confirmed. That's what you said."

"So you would rather be killed, than even give yourself a _chance_ of being able to use the ability?" I summarise, leaning my weight on one hip, daring him to finally look my way. Erwin sits back and rubs at his temples. Levi sighs and finally tears his eyes away from the papers he had long since finished reading. There's challenge in that look, but I don't back down.

"I'd rather Jeager took me out before I hurt any of the regiment, yes."

"We could cut you out of the nape—"

"That comes with a higher risk of casualties, who's to say anyone could _get_ to my neck."

"Just because you're a talented soldier, doesn't automatically make you a talented Titan. For all you know you're a useless lummox lumbering around." I click my tongue and smirk a little at his assumption. He purses his lips and narrows his eyes at me. This wasn't going to be an easily won battle.

"Is that so? Really?"

"Well, you don't know do you?"

"So you got caught by a lumbering lummox?" he says with a raised brow, I give a shrug.

"Never said _I_ was a talented soldier, I'm just the weird one with rage issues. However, the actual issue, beyond your juvenile attempts to derail the conversation, is that _you're_ being an overly dramatic ass." I finish with a slight slam against the desk. Hanji sits back a little, glasses flashing nervously. Erwin is looking at the ceiling, either studying the plasterwork, or seeking out patience. Right now I can't check. Levi glares at me.

"Don't give me that shit, you're a damn good soldier and I still caught you. _Therefore_ the safest option is for Jeager to simply take me out." He clicks his tongue and nods at Erwin. "Feel like taking this meeting back from a subordinate?"

"Am I allowed to?" He's still watching the ceiling, as though that removes him from the room a little. Levi rolls his eyes and returns to his papers.

"So are we seriously going with that for a 'plan'?" I snort looking to Erwin who is shaking his head with a shrug.

"Frankly Sanshi, at this point I haven't a clue. The very idea of Levi being a Titan is staggering, if it does come to pass, the safest option may well be Jeager's intervention." I open my mouth to argue with he raises a hand and almost looks at me in condescension. " _However,_ I would suggest to Eren, that he attempt a non-lethal take down first."

"Waste of time." Mutters Levi, and I throw a scrap of balled up paper at him. He doesn't react, but Hanji giggles a little.

"Shut it." I growl, sitting back down and folding my arms over my chest.

"Still your Captain, Sanshi." Points out Erwin and I just look at him sternly, he sighs and shrugs again. "Is everyone agreed on what's happening? Or would anyone else like to have a domestic in my office?" he looks round with a smile, almost daring the room to try it.

I had been excited to get back out into the field, but that was before Levi had had his nightmare. And it was before I'd taken into account the thus far unanswered Titan question. Was he now as much of a shifter as Eren? Or had it been a temporary thing? Suddenly my excitement seems like nothing short of madness to me. Once again, I had been an idiot.

* * *

"Who are you? Who are you?!" I scream, hacking away at the flesh of the Titans nape, ignoring the steam that billows out over me, engulfing my flesh in pain. I draw my cape higher but keep slicing, I keep feeling that rush of justice as the creature roars in protest. Crystal forms every now and again, slicing into my legs as I linger there. But I'm a tricky bug to shake. I'm not going anywhere.

The mission had started off like any other, with the exception of everyone being careful around Levi. It was his first since returning to service, so no one quite knew what to expect from him. Would he be his usual self? Or would he freak out? I was confident he would be fine, he was set on coming along, and he was eager to get back to work. I also knew he wanted to get the chance to vent some of his anger, to kill something. Before setting out Erwin had made a last stitch attempt to persuade Levi that he should remain at base, but Levi was having none of it. He even went so far as to steal my line, cheeky bastard.

"If it's a trigger Erwin, it won't matter if it's now, or in another six months."

I could have punched him right in the throat for that. And I think he knew it, sending me a smug smirk as I blustered before the gates finally opened. Deep down I was with Erwin, I didn't think Levi should be going out so soon. It didn't make sense to me. Then again, he was far more adapted to fighting the Titans, than being in the same bed as a woman. It was odd, but this was surely the more natural state for my Captain. But still I was anxious, it had only been a few days since his nightmare, and even at the beginning of the mission he looked nervous when near me.

As the mission began, all was well, there were decent sight lines and no clouds to speak of. The formation fanned out and headed for the camp. This was one of the last few missions we had planned, soon the snow would be setting in and we'd be more restricted from then on. Hanji was excited to do experiments in the winter, but I was simply looking forward to a bit of cabin fever. Being stuck in HQ with my friends, and Levi, for a few weeks seemed almost idyllic right now. But that wouldn't be for another few weeks, perhaps a month or two. But all that meant, was these last few missions had to really count.

It wasn't long before black smoke rose into the air and made me ride that little bit closer to Levi. Our Squad was well practised together and so that was a comfort. But still, this mission really could have done with no surprises. And as the smoke rises into the air, my stomach clenches tight.

It wasn't an ordinary abnormal.

Not now.

I could feel it in my bones.

And as the signals got closer, Erwin ordered for the formation to tighten up, and we felt the ground rumble. Somehow I knew that rumble, and somehow I knew it was him. The sword-toothed Titan who had dug so desperately for Annie, the one who had eaten Eren. The one that had attacked on that same night, that night that had sent us to the Capital for answers. It was where this had all began. Was the Sword Titan really in our regiment? Or was it another attack from those men seeking to kill me? None of it made sense. I couldn't make it add up as we watched it approach.

But frankly it didn't matter to me.

It was a connection.

It was a potential lead.

My mind latched onto the possibility that the Sword Titan was somehow involved. And as it came into view, I broke away with my squad, as ordered and I felt my bloodlust rise within me. I would get answers. I would get revenge for Levi, and all he had suffered. We had to do something, we had to get progress made before the snow set in. I longed for some peace, and yes, Cabin fever sounded like a nice option, but if it meant also being cut off from the truth? I wasn't sure I could wait till spring. I'd already waited six months.

I would repay my dues.

I would make up for lost time.

All those jumbled emotions, and confused thoughts was how I ended up in my current position; latched onto the toothy bastard, hacking away at its nape to try and reveal whoever lingered within.

The speed at which the thing is moving probably meant we'd reach an abandoned town before long. But I'd get the answer by then, then I'd dismount and regroup. I wasn't entirely sure why this thing had reappeared, it had possibly been making another attempt on getting to Eren, but it seemed a foolish time to attempt that. With all of us armed and battle ready, surely that was unwise? Or was it desperate? Or, as I had deduced earlier, was it in fact affiliated with the cold woman, and the white caped people? Either way I had to know who it was.

I needed to.

The rest of the squad had been dealing with the Titans following behind the aberrant beast. Levi had ordered me to stay on the perimeter and keep an eye on the Sword Titan, but not to engage. To babysit. But my hand was forced when the damn beast's hollow eyes zoned in on him. Levi swerved out of the way just in time, his horse startled but unharmed. My heart was in my throat.

"Get back to Erwin, now Sanshi!"

He wanted me to retreat? Like that was bloody likely. Presumably he was worried the beast would want to take me. But that was just stupid. Even I knew that much. I knew the prize here was either Levi or Eren. I ignore my captain, heart lurching as he roars after me. I hear the pain in his voice but I can't acknowledge it, just like the first time we met this pointy-toothed bastard. I shot onto the things shoulder and sunk my blades in to gain grip. That was when it started running.

And here we are again.

I could do this.

I could get us some damn answers, so we could have some damn justice, and make some damned progress. But I've been hacking away now forever. I've used all my blades, and am running on fumes myself. The bastard keeps forming crystal just in time. Dammit!

"Robyn!" I hear vague shouts behind me, but I don't look back, I just assume it's some squad having chased after me. That was fine. Just stay out of the way, and let me actually accomplish something worthwhile. I would have them. I would make them pay. Eventually. The jolting only makes my head pound harder, and my breathing worse from previous jostles. I think there's a couple fractures in my ribs. But I have to keep going. This was no time to be a wimp about things. This was the time to make up for all the things I'd failed to do.

"Robyn stop!" I hear Levi shout to my left. I look over, confused as to how he's at our height, but I only then realise we've entered an abandoned city already. Shit. He's not looking my way at that point, judging his next move through the buildings as we pound onwards. I keep going, I keep slicing as the buildings pass us by. I had to do this. The crystal forms again, digging viscously into my thigh. I cry out as it slices into me, but I just keep hacking with the small nub of blade I have left.

"I won't let them get away!"

"Don't get yourself killed for this! It's what they want!"

"They can't get away with this! Not again!"

"Robyn _please._ " He fires his wire, and I see it strike just above me, sinking into the things neck. I turn to tell him to wait, to leave me be, to let me get us some overdue revenge. But I'm not quick enough. He swings in, expression determined as he scoops me up and we tumble headlong into a nearby building through the window.

The dust settles, and I lie beneath him, panting a little as the world suddenly comes to a stock stillness. We lie there very quiet as the thundering footsteps fade into the distance, taking our prey, and our answers further away. Each footstep makes my heart clench more.

"Why… why can't I do this for you." I gasp wearily as my eyes grow warm. He sighs, and sits up, but by the time he's sheathed his blades to lay his pity onto me, my anger is revived and I scuttle back from him. He blinks at me. "Why the hell did you do that? I had them!"

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did! I was going to get answers!"

"No, you were going to end up a thousand miles away with no way of defending yourself." he says, getting up and coming to stand over me. I stare up at him, seeing the calm composure of my Captain and feeling anger rise in me. I'd been waiting for answers for six long months, and still had got nowhere. I jump up and square up to him.

"Unless we take some risks we'll never—" he clamps a hand over my mouth to silence me and I bite onto his palm. He snarls a little and points to the window before tugging me into the shadows. He holds me close to him, pressing my head against his chest as we wait.

Titans are lingering.

I just raise a brow at him and shove him away so I can head for a room with closed shutters. There was no point in standing around, holding our damn breath. If we found somewhere secluded we could relax a little as we waited for the herd to pass by. We might as well stay put now, the object of our revenge is long gone. I sit down on a dusty bed, trying to ignore the fact this was once someone's home as the air fills with neglect. He follows me in, keen eyes scanning the other window until slipping into the gloom with me. I draw as deep a breath as I can without my ribs flaring, and it isn't much. He sees me flinch and just sighs, sitting next to me and tugging at my cape to get a better look. I hold it in place.

"Tch. Don't be a brat."

"Why did you do that?" I growl, holding my cape closer to me and shuffling back a little. He groans and scrapes his hair back from his eyes. "We need answers, Levi."

"No. _You_ need answers."

"So you're seriously telling me—" again he puts a hand over my mouth. Try it a third time buddy.

"I swear brat, lower your voice, or I will punch you in the throat!" he hisses, eyes scanning the shutters for signs of movement. There are none. I roll my eyes and lick his hand this time. He grimaces and wipes it on my cape roughly.

"Fine!" I whisper, then trying to remember what I'd been saying. And failing horribly. He rolls his eyes at me.

"I don't claim to not want answers, but I'm more concerned about your safety, than my own damned revenge." he grabs my chin and looks deep into my eyes. "We have a duty to do, brat. Don't forget that now. Not after everything we've gone through."

"I'm more concerned about your revenge than my safety, that's where we differ." I mutter, shrugging my head away from him to look at my hands and pick at the dried blood. For once it's really there. He sighs and takes my hand in his, squeezing so tightly I hiss through my teeth a little.

"That's what scares me."

"Sorry but I'm not going to bother lying to you, not now." I sigh, getting up to pace around in order to shift my weight a little. These ribs needed setting, but I didn't quite have the will to ask him. My pride was not happy with me. I'd been rugby tackled off my prey, and that stung a bit. Not just because we went through a glass window either.

"I don't want you to lie, I want you to see reason." He says, and I turn with a snigger. He realises what nonsense he just spouted, and allows himself a smirk. I wander back over to him and place my hands to his cheeks. He looks up from under those dark lashes, and I blush a little at the pleading there. Dammit how was this old bastard so cute?!

"I'll try reining it in okay?"

"It's a start I guess. But you really need to accept the fact it's going to take time."

"I've been waiting six months, Levi. I'm allowed to impatient."

"Not when it endangers you, you're not."

"But if we don't move quickly then we risk—" this time he silences me with his lips, and I just stand there staring at him. I give in though, like I always do, and sigh at the warm contact. He lays his forehead to mine after breaking the kiss, and for a moment we just stand there breathing each other in. Considering we're stood in Titan territory, it's oddly peaceful.

"Brat, I'd much rather exercise some patience, than risk something _else_ happening to you so soon. If ever. Can't we just enjoy a bit of peace and quiet for a while?" he sighs, running his hand through my hair. "Or as peaceful as we ever get, fighting those big bastards outside. But… our version of it at least. Please?"

The way he says it, it reminds me of when he was holding me, begging me to wake up. I draw a slow breath, realising how he might have seen my haphazard pursuit of that Titan. He'd only just seen me die. Perhaps I shouldn't test him so much. I nod, and bite down on my lip. I know if I apologise he'll just berate me, and so I hold it back for now. Apologies could be whispered across a pillow, and they would be all the louder.

"Let's go see what's happening out there, better send a flair before Erwin freaks." I snigger heading for the door. He grabs my wrist and stares at my hand. He looks almost angry about something, but I just wait. "Levi?"

"Stick closer to my side from now on." And he walks past me without another word.

I stand in the doorway looking at my wrist, seeing the slight pink blotch where he held me so tightly. I gnaw my lip, looking up the stairs that he climbs with a bowed head. My first instinct is to tell him where to shove his over-protectiveness, but I hold my tongue. My scars were healed, and I had been home for a lot longer than he had. I had to keep in mind he was still healing, despite what it might look like. Despite his supposed composure, and despite his want to move on. I sigh, and follow him in silence, joining him on the roof as a soft rain begins to fall. His face is reserved, but I see the small glance my way with a gentle nod. He's grateful for my understanding, but I think he's even more grateful for the lack of me drawing attention to it.

"Shall I shoot off a flare, sir?"

"Go ahead, brat. They weren't far behind us."

I look up into the gathering clouds and grasp my blue canister. We would probably be still heading for the base camp, not much had happened to the supplies and I think all in all we hadn't lost any soldiers. But right now we needed a horse, or two. My hand shakes a little as I fire it up into the rain, and watch it curl into the heavens. His hand grazes my other, as it hangs by my side.

"What's with the shakes?"

"I'm just…" I groan, knowing he won't want to hear it, but unable to avoid it. I'd have preferred saying it once we were home, but these days it seemed better to just say it, instead of wait. We hadn't a great track record of always returning home safely. "I'm so sorry I was a dick and ran off…"

He chuckles a little, and shakes his head at me.

"A reckless pain in my ass, a snot-nosed brat with too much prove, a haphazard mess of a woman. But not a dick. You're not that." He waves to someone, and nods towards where a group had gathered on the outskirts. I'm staring at him, agape, unsure whether to be more complimented or more insulted. I really think it's insulted that wins. He gives me a quick peck on the lips and tugs me closer. "Slap me when we're home? Deal?"

"Sure thing, jackass. I'll hold you to that."

"Glad to hear it." He says, turning to fire off his wires, but I prod his cheek. He frowns down at me. "What now?"

"Why're you holding me like I'm a fucking princess?"

"Your ribs aren't going to let you manoeuvre very well." And with that he fires, and I'm zooming along with him holding me close. I want to object, my mind appalled at this overbearing act of prattishness. But the girly side to me just wraps her arms round his neck and sighs, though both sides pout when he laughs. Prick.

* * *

 **Ta dah!**

 **Hope you enjoyed this slightly more low-key chapter! I certainly enjoyed writing it!**

 **Thank you to everyone that read, favourited; its all amazing, and I'm so glad!**

 **Maria: Thank you for your incredible praise, I'm glad you've enjoyed my other works! For your question, guess it's been answered? haha, and please don't scream :P I don't want anyone telling you off!**

 **Lilly Manchester: You continue to be a star, and yes, yes, Robyn is well aware!**

 **DarkAngel: GO TO SLEEP! Haha, but seriously, thank you so much!**

 **: You always make me smile, and I'm glad to have saved a piece of furniture!**

 **Again thanks to everyone, see you next time!**

 **Fran**


	28. AUTHORS NOTE APOLOGIES IN BUCKETS

**TO ALL MY LOVELY READERS; OLD NEW AND CURRENTLY READING THROUGH FOR THE FIRST TIME.**

 **Despite not being able to tell you details, I am in the midst of a MAJOR personal project right now to do with writing. This is the main reason my updates have been becoming less frequent. I realise this doesn't give you new content, and doesn't help if you're feeling pissed off at me. HOWEVER. My deadline for this project is now only a month away, 4 short weeks.**

 **Safe to say that me = a stressball mess right now.**

 **So although I MIGHT be able to use my fics as downtime, relaxation, as my current project IS writing, i may not. Basically my dears, i don't fricking know!**

 **ANYWAY!**

 **The long and short of it is, over the next month I may or may not update. I am sorry, wholeheartedly, and frankly its poor planning on my part. HOWEVER. All stories are going to be continued, and ALL stories have a lot more planned to come along. Please don't doubt that, and I hope to retain your awesome support.**

 **Hopefully I can eventually tell you about this project, but for the time being it is hushilled up.**

 **Thank you for your patience, and once again, I AM SO SORRY!**


	29. Waiting Games

**Hello hello hello! Thank you so much for your patience, and continuing patience etc. but here we go, the next section of RBW! Woohoo! It felt SO DAMN GOOD to be writing this story again and I PROMISE Flight From Darkness will be updated soon. You've all been great and I hope it was worth the wait.**

 **Thank you to everyone reading, following and reviewing. You're all awesome!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT THANK GOD, or else I'd have been mowed down by angry fans by now.**

 **And yes I know it's a little shorter than usual *hangs head***

* * *

Let it never be said that Robyn Sanshi isn't a team player, but this was nothing short of a pile of bullshit heaped on top of a mound of absolute cack. I'm all for constructive input, and frankly am well aware of the inadequacy of my own strategic mind. However, with all that in mind, and carefully taken into account; when a shoe smacks into the side of my head, even I get a little testy. I grab the boot and launch it back, but unfortunately Eren saw it coming and caught it instead. So really I just reloaded him. Damn Titan shifter with his weird ninja reflexes. I grit my teeth and look into the flames, unable to look at those big green eyes any longer without throwing something else, be it a horse, or myself as I slap his damned adorable face into next week.

"It'll work and you know it, Eren, stop pretending that it won't!"

"There is no way you're doing this!" he yelled back and I bit down hard on my tongue.

"Look by using bait, and by that I mean decent bait, we can lure the bastard out and _finally_ find out who's behind all this. We can have some fucking answers. Or do you enjoy being kept in the dark? I realise it's a habit by now, but personally it's getting old on me!"

"Robyn, forget it, it's a damned suicide mission!"

Whilst I looked around the fire expecting to see similarly exasperated expressions, that would surely match my own, they were all just looking at me gravely. This further annoyed me.

"After that damn stunt today, no way!" continued Eren, I clench my fists and throw him a look.

"What stunt…? Oh… the whole riding off on the back of the Swordy Toothed Titan?"

He nods slowly.

"Okay, fair enough… that was a bit reckless, and perhaps a bit stupid… but we still need to act now. That thing is still out there, you know it is. It's obviously after Levi still and—"

" _What_?" snorted the man in question, the hand he had on my shoulder retracting as he leaned away with an amused smirk. "You seriously think _I'm_ the one it's after? It came and gulped Jaeger down when it first turned up, why am I suddenly the target? You're not making sense, brat." He said leaning back in and trying to replace the hand, but I just shrug him off and stand up. Fuck off, I'm not a child. They weren't taking me seriously, and that was hardly anything new. But this wasn't a joke. Frankly I wonder if I've fallen asleep and am dreaming this. The fire crackles, barely breaking the thick darkness that is swathed around us all, but I can see their faces. Breaking through the dark like individual candles they look at me, and I hate what I see. In those expressions I witness pity, sympathy and even condescension. It makes me a little sick to be honest.

"And why is it such an impossibility? It was right after that attack that all that shit happened, it was because of that Titan that we went to Capital and it's because of that Titan that…" I swallow hard and move on, "Come on, you have to see the connection! I'm not just imagining it."

"Or you're just making the connections because you need to know, Sanshi." Erwin says, finally taking the time to put in his opinion after sat sipping his coffee in contemplative silence. And yet that was what he chose to break his silence with?

I look at him and feel the Commander stare right into my head. It's something I hate, but I know full well he can see my impatience, my fears. I hate how well he can read me these days and I know I'm fucked now. I turn away and pace a little, just behind where everyone sits. I can feel Levi watching me, but I don't dare meet his stormy gaze. I can't right now. Erwin draws a breath and I know he isn't done his little speech.

"It could well be that this shifter is simply an opportunist, Robyn. It may have no more to do with what happened than you do. It just happened, and right now that's all we do know. It's frustrating and I know you want answer but… so far we have no way of knowing why or how you were taken… well, we have _some_ idea of why considering Levi's rather interesting new view on your relationship, however, we do not know enough to start making such risky moves. We just need to wait—"

"I have fucking waited!" I shriek and the whole camp goes silent. I stare into those blue pits and I feel the judgement rolling off him. Dammit. I clamp my hand over my mouth and shake my head, they're all gaping at me, amazed. I swallow hard and take a couple steps back, gritting my teeth.

"I'm sorry but I have been waiting for six months. I have been back and wondering what the _hell_ happened for six months. So far I've had one answer given to me. That Levi is alive. And whilst that is pretty much the biggy, and I'm beyond grateful to have him back? I still don't know why they took us, and I don't know why they… why they did what they did." I swallow hard and look to the side, a blush creeping across my lips.

The weird thing was I knew what I was talking about, and so did Erwin, Eren and Hanji, but no one else did. Not even Levi. But really that was a small mercy, I didn't want him to know what those animals did. Erwin sighs and sets his mu down.

"Robyn I only—"

"Commander please don't placate me and my shit." I sigh, and notice the way he flinches a little at the use of his title instead of his name. But right now I don't need a damn father figure, I needed someone to help me figure this out. And I couldn't ask that of Levi. He'd only just got home, he's only just got back into his own mind. I scrape my hair back and laugh bitterly, "I'm sorry, I just need some… air… I guess." I shrug and walk off towards the edges of the safe area, feeling the cold and focusing on it to cool my anger.

I had been so sure. I had been completely convinced that I was right, it was all that damned Titan, all their fault. It was them. But now, looking back with a fresh perspective from Erwin I have to agree that it was pretty thin. I was clutching at straws because I was desperate for answers. It would allow me to find them and hurt them, getting justice for what they had done to me, for what they had done to Levi, and for what they had attempted to do to the Corps. But on the mystery went, seemingly endless like the surrounding night. How long till I got to watch the sun rise again and see everything for what it was? I lean against a tree and slide down to sit in the dirt.

What a fucking mess.

In the end I must have drifted off to sleep as I woke with a cloak around me and a cup of steaming coffee next to me as I heard people packing up for the return journey. I instantly regret having slumped down so inelegantly as I stretch myself out, but I know I can't hide from them forever. I head back over to where the horses are and I pack up my stuff. I don't meet anyone's gaze and I keep to myself. I wasn't angry with them, I was angry with myself. I felt like I was being an impatient child one second, and then in the next I was wondering why I was feeling that way. I wanted answers, what was so wrong with that? I sigh and rest my head against the saddle. What was wrong was that I was taking it out on the wrong people, but then again I had no one else to take it out on. I was angry with the world I guess.

"Feeling calmer?" asks Mikasa to my right, sorting her own saddle bag out without looking my way. I see the way she holds back a smile, teasing me a little I think.

"Yeah, nap by the trees really did me the world of good. My body hates me."

"Focus on the muscle aches instead of the mental ones then." She suggests, hiking herself up and pulling away. I smile a little. She didn't say much, but when she did, I loved her a little more each time. We get into formation, my eyes keenly set on the horizon, trying to ignore the glances I can feel from everyone. But I can't ignore when I feel a gently nudge to my foot. I look down and then back up into Levi's stoic face.

"Got your shit together?"

"Don't really have a choice, sir." I reply curtly, looking forward again. He sighs and rides ahead to the front of the Squad, setting his shoulders and sorting his cape a little as it hung off the shoulder a bit.

"Well keep it that way, or I'll knock you out and strap you to my horse if I have to. Got it?"

"Loud and clear, sir."

"I mean it, brat. No dramatic rides off today, or so help me I'll put you on stable duty till you do finally give in and get turned into Titan shit." He looks over his shoulder, face stern but eyes a little warmer. I wink and nod.

"Lacking the digestive tract sir that might prove difficult, but I get the idea."

Thankfully the ride back is fairly quiet, only a few Titans spotted and therefore easily avoided. But sightlines were good and we had managed to clear out a lot of them on our way out. I can't remember the point of this mission, but a few Squads had new gear they were trying. It seemed odd to me that the elite Levi Squad wasn't given that gear to test, but I think Erwin just wanted to keep this mission as textbook for Levi as possible.

Made sense.

Didn't make it less annoying though.

* * *

At last we get through the gate and finally make our way to HQ. It's started raining, but it's that annoying half-hearted nonsense that doesn't seem to be able to make up its mind whether to fall or not. Either piss it down, or go away. My temper is not doing well, and the way my horse keeps slipping and grumbling at me is certainly not helping.

We pull into the compound finally, and I tie up my horse before letting the home team tend to her. She'd done well, and so had I, I'd gotten all the way through the crowds of townsfolk without stopping to throttle anyone. Not even the merchants. I was damn well chuffed with myself in all honesty, and I think she knew that, chomping on her hay a little bit smugly.

I headed round towards the main entrance, keen to get into a hot shower and wash the murk of the mission off me. But apparently someone else had other ideas, my wrist was grabbed and I was hauled to the side. I yelped a little and stumbled in the muck, but soon smirked as I saw a familiar undercut and dark hair flop about as he pulled me along. He didn't look back but I could see he was leading me round by the outer supply sheds. How romantic.

"You are way too old to be acting like a damn teenager, sir."

"As soon as I go in that building I'm going to be stuck in a fucking debrief meeting for hours. So excuse me for wanting to do this first." He stops as soon as we're concealed, turns and pulls me against him as he rests against the wall. His lips are hungry against mine, and I kiss back eagerly, glad to once again underline the fact I had him back, that he was really here. But then it gets heated and I feel my heart race for an entirely different reason, his hand moves from my shoulder, sliding down to ghost across to my waist, pulling me closer. It's the same loving touch as always, but now I shudder and pull away. I pant a little to convince him it was nothing more than a need for breath. But he doesn't look quite convinced.

He gently reaches behind my head and pulls me closer, pausing for a few moments when I'm a mere breath away. His storm-filled yes look me over, as though checking for any wounds I had neglected mentioning. I would have called him out on it, but I knew if I did, he would then demand to see everywhere to check. He knew me too well by this point. But I think he's also searching for an answer as to why I wasn't all over him. Usually I'd be on him like a rash, probably having already partially undressed him by now. But that was before everything had happened, before I felt soul crushing shame whenever he looked at me with that familiar hunger. I was damaged goods now. And I shiver a little before he finally speaks again.

"Thank you for coming back all right." He says before gently kissing me and running a hand through my hair. Apparently he had decided against pushing the point, which I was both glad about and disheartened. Would he eventually give up on me?

"Same to you." I breathe, resting my head against his.

"Good to know I can go on a mission and not become their puppet."

"Yeah, and good to know you didn't turn Titan." I say, eyes tightening a little as I recall our previous conversation over the subject. He barely reacts, but he holds the back of my neck a fraction tighter.

"We still don't know that I can't, or definitely won't."

"I know, I know." I sigh and kiss his cheek. "Sorry again about the Sword Titan, I shouldn't have been so reckless, it was cruel to put you through that."

"Yes, it was damned reckless of you… but I get it." He kisses my forehead, "I'm just sorry we still don't have any answers. But we will. I promise." He stares for a moment before giving me one of those rare smiles and then walking off to begin the cruelling aftermath of paperwork. I lean against the wall and sigh.

I can't deny the fact this is driving me crazy.

I want to be closer to him, to feel him touch me all over and call my name. Of course I do. I love him and want to be intimate with him in all ways. Like we used to. But with those wants come the fears. I shiver against the rain.

"There you are Numbnuts! And here was me thinking you'd… gotten… lost…" Keza's voice trails off as I hear her approach. I hadn't meant to, in fact it was the last thing I'd intended. But I'd just heard her voice and lost what little grip I had on myself. A few tears had started to fall and now I was trembling. Shitting hell this was ridiculous, but now that I had started, it seemed I would stop.

"H-How did you even find me?" I ask, wiping the tears away a little angrily. She knows the drill, no point in pushing it till I'm ready to talk. She takes up a place next to me and sighs, looking up at the softly falling rain with a smirk on her plump lips.

"The rain never did get your message did it? Either piss it down or fuck off, right?"

I nod and smile a little. She smirks and looks up again.

"Well I was lookin' for you, and then I asked a couple cadets who saw Sexy Scowler heading back towards HQ from back here. And there's only one reason he'd be sneaking off behind a shed before being hauled into a meeting for a few hours. I'd ask if you used protection but hey! No need eh?" she jabs me with her elbow and laughs, trying to make me do the same. I smile, but soon enough bite my lip again.

"Yeah makes s-sense."

"I know this ain't usually our way, but I'm collecting water between my tits here. What's up? Something's buzzing in that head of yours..." Keza says gently, pulling my hood up and prodding my nose. For a few seconds I just stare down at a gathering puddle, but I know she won't wait forever. It wasn't her way. I draw a deep breath and clasp my hands together, trying to ignore the way they tremble.

"I need to ask you something, Keza… and it's kind of personal."

"When isn't it personal with you?" she smiles, nudging me again before sighing and touching my arm. "Go for it Robyn, you know you can ask me anything. Is it about Levi?"

"Kind of…"

"Take it slow, or spit it out. Come on, you can't rant about the rain being indecisive and then do it yourself. I'm here love, and I'm listening."

"I was wondering if… in your line of work, you'd ever had a client who got a little… out of hand?" I ask staring at the ground as I see her tense up. "And before you even say it, no I don't mean Levi."

There's a long silence as she considers what I'm asking. She probably had the same worry as the rest of them when I'd fist been retrieved, and I've just gone and confirmed it to her. She sighs and turns to me, eyes suddenly very old looking.

"I'm so sorry Robyn."

"I appreciate it, but really I just need your help… I need to know how long it took you to be able to… t-to…"my voice trails off and she smiles kindly. That was the great thing with Keza, half the time I barely had to say anything at all. It wasn't usually a problem for me, of course not, but on those rare occasions, she knew exactly what I meant. Sometimes better than I did.

"I'm probably not the best example love, I went back to work almost immediately. I mean I didn't have a lot of choice, I had to. I just grit my teeth and got on with it… but with you…? It's different." She puts her arm round me and I lean into her, she kisses my hood and runs her hand along my arm. "It's different for everyone Robyn, but with Levi you always felt safe right? Protected? I reckon it'll be completely different… the same action can be utterly reversed simply depending on who it's with."

"I just want to be with him again… like we used to…" I say a little thickly, she squeezes me close to her and kisses my forehead gently. It was true, the same action but with a different person. It felt totally different from when Levi had kissed me there. Keza was so daft, and yet so wise. Thank the walls I have her.

"And you will, Robyn. Just… you just have to take it slow, and you _have_ to tell him." She adds, holding me a little tighter when I try and move away, shaking my head.

"N-No!"

"Robyn…"

"I can't tell him, Keza. He hasn't remembered, so why torture him with it?" I keep shaking my head, backing away when I finally get free of her grip. She gives me a long and hard look.

"If he doesn't know what they did, he won't know to be careful with you. For god's sake Robyn do you _want_ to break yourself? Your mind deals with a lot, and has endured thus far, but this… this is serious!" she snaps with a firm step forward, the motherly side of her raising it's hackles high. "He may still remember, and how do you think he'll feel knowing you tried to hide it for the sake of him? It'll only increase his guilt!"

" _If_ he remembers!" I shout back, gasping at the air. "He might not remember at all!"

"Since when have you had that kind of luck?!"

"I can't do that to him!" I yell, sinking to my knees with my face in my hands. "I c-can't do that to him Keza… I really can't… I-I—" I clamp a hand over my mouth. But the nausea passes, and I just sit there panting into the dirt. Keza comes over and lays a hand on atop my head.

"You're a damn fool… but I can understand your thinking…"

"He only just got his own mind back. I can't torture him with the fact it happened with him right there. It'll feel like I'm just twisting the knife, dipping it in salt and twisting again."

"Damn you and your metaphors, so dramatic…" she sighs, and I look up and give a weary smile. "If it does go wrong? You come to me _straight away_ , you hear me Numbnuts?" she jabs a finger at me, and I nod slowly, not breaking eye contact as she glowers. "I will _not_ have you endure this alone, so if you refuse to tell him, you come to me with the aftermath. All right?"

"Y-yes Keza… though… it might be fine right?" I say with a hopeful look, she sighs and ruffles my hood a little, but her eyes remain a little cold.

"Yeah it might be. If for once you get a lucky break."

"Thanks Keza…"

"I'd say anytime but… hopefully you never have to ask me that kind of thing again." She says, holding out a hand to haul me to my feet. She slings her arm round my shoulder and we head inside for a cup of coffee. "Can I ask who else knows? Not that I plan to gossip or anything."

"I think it's just Eren, Hanji, Erwin and now you." I reply with a small nod, and she frowns.

"Erwin knew?"

"Don't get mad at him Keza, come on, he won't have known what to do. I'm sure he'd be relieved to know you know though... you know?" I add with a small laugh and she nods again with another frown soon following.

"Eren knows? Why the heck does Titan boy know?"

"He was there when I'd remembered… came back to me the night Levi came back…" I admit and she looks kind of livid for a moment. Probably wondering why the hell I hadn't come to find her. "I wasn't able to move Keza, he heard me yelling and came running."

"Okay love… I get it. I just think he's a little young."

"As did I, but he was so… so strong about it. He was amazing." I say with a smile and she hits the back of my head before heading over to get coffee. I stare after her, removing my cloak with a pout as my skull throbs. When she returns she pushes the coffee my way and shakes her head at me. "Care to explain what that was for?"

"You do know he's head over heels right?!" she says and I just roll my eyes and sip my coffee. "You're a spanner Numbnuts." She sighs, and I just flick her head across the table.

"You're reading too much into it, Keza."

"And apparently you've forgotten your damn alphabet!"

"That doesn't make sense."

"Neither does your face!"

* * *

It was a celebration for another mission down with minimal injuries and no casualties. It was amazing, and frankly I was still reeling from the fact it was even true. Despite having had an impromptu visit from our local sword toothed Titan. Even the injured were in high spirits, seeing their injuries as good karma for next time. They'd had their lumps, so would be spared next time. I don't quite have the heart to point out it didn't work like that. But then again it was a celebration so there wasn't much point in reminding them of their imminent demise.

Christ I need a drink.

I helped Hanji supply with her home brew and sat down with my usual group, only this time, the first in six months, I was actually up for a bit of frivolity. I'd attended them all during his absence, but always felt a little, or a lot, guilty at the fact I was there drinking and laughing whilst he was wherever, having whatever done to him. But not this time. Now he was right there, sipping from a glass and chatting to Erwin, systematically ignoring Hanji's latest rant about capturing another Titan for herself. I smile and nudge his foot under the table. His grey eyes flicker to me instantly and I grin, raising my glass at him and he mirrors it, the light definitely back into those stormy orbs after so long.

Yes, tonight I would celebrate.

Gradually the bottles empty, and the crowd dissipates as cadets start to trickle off to bed. Considering my track record I haven't actually drunk much, not having done so in a while. It had been all or nothing with drinking over the last six months. I either didn't touch the stuff, or woke up in a random corridor upside down with my cloak over my ass. But tonight I just take it easy, enjoying the buzz but not needing to run away from a burning hole made by the person not there.

Erwin has wandered off somewhere talking to Hanji, or rather, avoiding the subject of extra funding with her. Once Keza has stopped being barraged by the young girl cadets for advice on how to keep their boyfriends happy, I point her in the right direction. As ever, she was keen to find her tall blonde Adonis. Not my words, that was her own term of endearment.

I lie back on the bench and stare up at the ceiling, unable to not wonder how someone had gotten a jacket stuck up in those beams, and judging from the design it was about three decades old by that point. Crazy old fogies. I'm tempted to ask Levi if he knew anything about it, but think better of it. He was having fun, last seen persuading Connie it was a legitimately good idea to attempt wooing a woman by cleaning her door every day for a month. Deadpan delivery. I was genuinely concerned I'd hear some girl shrieking about her creepy door cleaning stalker sooner rather than later. Along with this, I was a little taken aback by Levi's social eagerness. But then I noticed how he kept shifting around. He was nervous. He was eager to be back in the Corps and back to normal. Weren't we all?

"What's got you so thoughtful then?" laughs Eren from next to me and I look behind myself and see him sitting on the table, feet by my head. He grins and waves, offering me a top up. I refuse. "And _not_ drinking… you're not still mad are you?" he sighs, looking pained by the idea. I tap his boot, the one he had thrown at me the night before.

"No I'm not mad, you had your reasons. Dumbass reasons, but reasons nonetheless. I'm just staying away from drunk Robyn, past couple times she's come around she's been a little… worse for wear."

"True… but that was when the Captain was still MIA. He's here now, he can look after you."

"And suddenly you trust him to?" I laugh and he blushes a little with a shrug, "What's changed then? Or did Mikasa finally smack some sense into you."

"I worry, so what?" he pouts a little and I just pat his leg again, he knows I'm joking. "Pain in my ass, you know that? Look… as far as I'm concerned he's had all triggers shown now, being in a battle situation being my last big one. And he was fine out there, brilliant even. Nothing happened in the building did it?"

"No, nothing. Other than him telling me off for being an idiot."

"Then he get's extra points for that." Laughs Eren and I just smirk, eyes fixed on the jacket swinging gently in the draft.

I know Eren's right, but the horny teenager side to me is well aware there's still a big trigger potentially waiting to be set off. For either me or Levi. Seemed we both had a game of roulette still to gamble on. I don't really think it will be a trigger for him, after all that would mean they had to condition him by… I swallow. I sincerely hope it isn't a trigger; that either meant he had been whored out by those bastards for six months, or he'd been killing women that looked like me during sex for six months. Either way, not great. Not that I even knew if my own trigger would apply. I bite my lip a little, the hell was I meant to do. The idea of telling him in order to have him be gentle with me, made me sick. It frankly wasn't an option.

"You get any solo kills today then, Eren?" I ask, eager to veer the conversation away from there before Eren's keen mind figured out why I was being so quiet. He was too young. Keza was right, and I fucking knew that. He shifts to sit by my head, walking his fingers along my brow.

"Yeah I got one, but it was only a ten metre."

"Pfft, child's play." I laugh and he flicks my head before his hand brushes my hair back.

"You look tired."

"And you look fucking gorgeous yourself." I snort, staring up at that faded jacket and the sun bleached wings on the back. So faded and yet still there. Hidden in the beams where only dust and the occasional stray pigeon ventured, but it was still there for someone to notice occasionally.

"Well I'm going to go wake Armin up, he's probably fallen asleep in the library again."

"Where was he today?" I ask, holding onto his leg when he shifts to get up, he looks down and frowns at me, as though it's obvious. "Seriously, I didn't see him on the mission now that I think about it. Where was he? Is he all right?"

"Robyn… he's been tasked with looking after Annie remember? He's been trying to figure out how the hell to get her out of that crystal since we woke her up, as well as trying to figure out a way of communicating."

I look at the jacket again and blink slowly. I had totally forgotten about the bitch.

"I… sh-shit she's still down there?!"

"Still there, still creepy." He says with a nod, "So maybe talk to Armin when you next feel frustrated by not having any answers."

"Wow… well now I feel like a dick. Thanks." I sigh, covering my eyes as I consider the frustration Armin must be feeling. Not only was his brilliant mind not finding an answer, but the girl he so clearly cared for (be it platonic or otherwise) was still a mystery. I make a mental note to go find Armin soon and talk it out with him, we hadn't spoken properly in months. I recall how it had been him all that time ago, landing on that branch next to me, helping me with my damn gear. Back when I was just a normal cadet, well… maybe a normal cadet with a mouth on her. So much had happened since then.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, Robyn. Good night." Eren kisses my forehead and heads away without another word, or a glance back. I watch him go and touch my forehead. Why was it everyone was kissing me there? And why was it the action felt so damn different every time? I groan and sit up, I either needed to get very drunk, or get very into bed.

I chose bed.

* * *

 **I realise there wasn't exactly ACTION in that one, but I hope it was still enjoyable!**

 **I hope it was worth the wait, and whilst I can't guarantee a weekly update, it certainly WON'T be as long till the next time!**

 **Thank you for reading!**

 **To Maria and MrsMichaelise: you both continue to be amazing in your support and I thank you for your encouragement and understanding. I wouldn't say i'm 100% well, but that's mainly sleep deprivation and stress, so a bit of AOT love always helps that right?! I had a lovely holiday thank you, but right now I feel like I really could do with another one... or maybe just a very big drink... or two... or five! Thank you again, speak soon!**


	30. Take Me

**Hello hello, I know not exactly feckin' regular but life = busy and shizz. So I will be updating as and when I can my dears, being a Graduate isn't nearly as fun as being a student. You have been warned, for those of you in Uni. Anyway on we go! This is a mini update as I wanted this issue to have it's own little segment as it's so... BIG an issue. But there is the comeuppance coming up I promise.**

 **Levi and Robyn shall bring the thunder!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan**

 **Note: Trigger warnings for reference to rape etc. but nothing graphic.**

* * *

I chose bed.

I think I made the right choice.

As I walk along the corridor, the echoes of what was remaining of the gathering burble around, and I smile. Things were far from perfect, but at least now it felt like they were improving instead of lingering in a stagnant episode of meh. I stretch up and hear my back give a series of cracks, I sigh and give a wiggle. All things healed if you gave them enough time; at least that was what people said. I wondered how long it would be before I could be considered a human being again. Then again maybe so many bits had been chipped off by this point, maybe that was out of the question now. Oh well, I'll just be a broken doll, fighting monsters.

As I approach the door to my room I hear footsteps behind me, this is hardly strange but they make me shudder nonetheless. I keep my pace normal, but theirs picks up and I tense. The hell was this? I wait until they've caught up, wondering why the heck they hadn't spoken to me yet if they were trying to catch me up. Surely they knew who I was, we all basically knew each other by now I would have thought. Unless they're new. Or they're not meant to be here. As they approach, less that a full step away, I whirl round and pin them to the wall. And then I turn bright red, looking at a very confused, and a bit miffed Levi.

Whoops.

"Shit Levi!" I let go and jump back a bit. But he's laughing, or rather chuckling. I'm trying to get a good look at his throat, but he just takes my wrists and pulls me into a hug with a gentle kiss. "Gah! Hey…"

"Come with me," he says quietly, smile still tugging at his lips.

I go along with it, enjoying the sensation of him holding my hand. It was so simple and yet I'd missed it a lot, maybe it was the little things I'd missed most. I watch the way his hair shifts as he walks and I smirk at my foolhardy mind. It was so strange admitting to myself I liked this kind of contact, and then having to admit to myself that he really had changed me. But as we turn the corner, and my rather slow mind picks up on the fact we're heading to his quarters, my heart leaps into my throat.

Shit.

What do I do?

Keza's words ring in my head; I need to tell him. But as he looks back with that smirk I push that idea away, he was happy again, he was content. How could I destroy that? But I think my expression betrays me as he slows to a stop.

"Robyn?" He turns to me and studies my expression with scrutiny.

"Sorry I just…" I can't find the words, he squeezes my hand gently.

"What is it? We don't have to… I just thought…" he frowns and clicks his tongue, rolling his eyes at his inability to ever say what he means. He lets go of my hand, that comforting warmth and connection severed. He's about to retreat a few steps when grab his wrists and shake my head. I'm still trying to think of what to say, but I can't let him shut me out whilst I figure it out. "Then what's that face for? Are you all right?"

"Sorry… I just…. Ugh please don't feel like you have to do this. I can wait Levi, I can—"

"Robyn I miss you..." he sighs pulling me back over, eyes calm but stern. In those tones of grey I see it, the warmth of his affection, and the gently simmering want. It's so subtle but its there, I begin to wonder if it had always been there. How blind had we both been for so long, and then went and nearly lost each other completely. I feel my drooling idiot die shake her hips about arrogantly, apparently I was in the reminiscing mood.

As he pulls me closer he tucks a hand behind my head and kisses me gently. Despite having considered fighting this and seeking more time, the touch of those lips confirms what I already suspected. I can't fight it any longer. I missed him as well, so much it ached deep in my bones. I nod, and let him lead me onwards.

"I'm done letting the nightmares win, brat."

He opens the door and allows me in first, gaze intense but reserved. He's eager but nervous. I suppose I was probably reflecting something very similar, this is something that could easily trigger something within me, just as it could for him. I know his nightmare is ringing in his ears, it's clear to see despite his composure. I just hope my own nightmare remains unseen. He closes the door but doesn't lock it as usual, at first I'm confused but then he gives me a stern look.

"If something happens and you scream, they need to get inside."

"Levi… screaming is part of the—"

"Please don't joke right now, brat." He sighs and then goes to his bedside table, he produces a small blade that glints in the moonlight. Hell no. I glare at the offending weapon and shrink backwards, shaking my head as I know he intends me to use that. But when he doesn't yell, instead just looking at me with pleading eyes, I falter in my retreat.

"Levi…"

"Hide this so—"

"Levi I can't do—"

"Hide it somewhere you can grab it, if I don't know where it is then I can't use it if I do end up triggering something. But by hiding it, you can use it if—"

"Levi, you just said not to joke." I say quietly, looking fixedly at the floor as that damn edge keeps shimmering at me. Mocking me as it knows, just as I do, I'll never be able to actually use it against him. Did Levi seriously think any different? But he just sighs and flips it in his hand, holding it out handle side towards me. I don't budge though, I can't. "I'm not fucking stabbing you!"

"It might be enough to bring me to my senses," he says, and the calmness of his voice does nothing to aid my acceptance of this. If anything it makes me want to take that blade and flint it out the fucking window. If this was how he wanted this to happen, I could feel myself longing to run out that damn door. But then again that wouldn't help anyone in the long run. When I still don't move he groans and steps towards me a little. "It doesn't have to be lethal Robyn, but enough to save your life that's all."

"Oh just a cheeky stab to the arm, or maybe a wee slit along the leg. Yeah harmless. Why not just hand me a 3DM gear blade instead? Make it really interesting!"

"Look, brat, you really want to risk it?" he demands, getting angry now. The handle shakes in his grip. "You want to let me kill you and then have me, once again, drown in my own guilt?" his voice once again rises, his eyes slightly widened.

"I…"

" _Please,_ Robyn."

I swallow hard and know I can't deny those eyes. I take the knife, looking at it and grimacing.

"All right… go to the bathroom and wait till I say the coast is clear."

"Thank you." He says as he kisses my cheek before he goes and closes the bathroom door.

I stare at the blade knowing that I wouldn't be able to use this if push came to shove. But if it kept him calm, it wasn't something I could really refuse. Not without being a complete asshole anyway. I swallow hard, and hide it in the space between the headboard and bedframe, I'd easily be able to get at it should I need to. The only way I'll be able to even consider it, will be to stop him torturing himself to death with guilt. I'd already seen him doing that once, and it was clear he would go through with it. I don't give a damn what he does to me, but I can't let the idiot do that to himself.

"All right. It's done." I call out and he appears from the bathroom, looking around as though expecting to find the darn thing sitting on the bedside table still or something. I put my hands on my hips. "Seriously? I did it, it's hidden somewhere I can get to it, all right? I promise Levi."

And as I make my vow he calms down, smiling softly.

"Thanks, brat." And he walks back over, cupping my face and kissing me just as softly as before, only with a hint more insistence.

His movements are so slow, so gentle, it's perfect. I'd thought I'd have to ask him to be careful, making some kind of excuse about it having been a while. But no. His hands run down my sides and linger on my hips, thumbs rubbing small circles into my bones. I slowly wrap my arms round his neck, a hand tangling in his silken black locks. His breathing quickens a little and he pulls me closer, bodies touching now as he starts to kiss down my neck. The feeling of his lips, it's so familiar and yet foreign. I don't think he's ever been this overtly affectionate before and I can't deny I like it. My head hangs back as he lingers over my pulse point, nibbling slightly as his thumbs press into my skin a little harder. My hands slip back to his chest and I start undoing his shirt, caressing the skin revealed with each undone button. He sighs at the touch and slowly I'm pushed back towards the bed.

"Sorry it's so slow…" he breathes as his hands slide my jacket off and start to work on my shirt. I shake my head, disregarding the apology as I manage to tug his shirt free of his beltline.

"Don't be sorry. I don't care. I'm just glad to be here with you. Being whatever you need, Levi. I missed this so much…"

"I just need you." He says, no longer whispering. He stops kissing and leans back to meet my gaze full on, and I blush under such an intense gaze. He's still undoing my shirt, but his eyes are scanning over my face, like he's remembering the details carefully, intricately. I've never felt more self-conscious in my life, at the same time as feeling more loved. I knew this was probably the only time I'd see him like this, so I would appreciate the sentiment, but I couldn't help but be a little saddened by his reserved nature. It was clear his nightmares was still there, lingering in his mind as he treaded carefully. He was scared. I was meant to make him feel all that was good in the world. I had to up my game.

"Then take me…" I breathe, pressing my lips to his, and thankfully he kisses me harder than before. Together we could beat the shadows. Together we would burn them away.

My hands fist into his shirt and tug it off, desperate to have his warmth closer to me. I want him to chase it away, chase away this god damned fear. Make me feel like I used to, free me from these demons. He pulls my shirt off, and I feel it fall away before he wraps those arms round my waist and kisses me again, tongue insistent and hungry. I moan into it and hitch a leg onto his hip, my body acting on instinct.

My mind reels. This should be freaking me out, I should be reliving those horrors and running away from him. But no, I don't, and the idea itself seems odd as I feel him caress my skin. I'm safe, I'm with Levi.

He kisses me again, cradling me against his chest as he lowers me onto the soft bed. This is exactly where I want to be, and exactly where I need to be. His lips travel down my throat, my chest, and my stomach. Everything feels like it's on fire, but I love the burn, and I relish its scorching touch. I gasp, clenching my hands into the sheets as the thrill sings inside of me, and the shadows are nowhere to be seen.

It's nothing like then, nothing but love was here and it's smothering out any other thoughts. Any other fears. I feel my eyes get warm as I realise I can be this intimate with him, I don't need to let the nightmares win either. My god I felt like I could live again.

"Robyn?" he breathes, cupping my face as he watches a few tears escape, I smile and shuffle back on the bed, he watches me and when my smile broadens he shuffles out of his trousers, crawling over to capture my lips again.

"What is it?" he whispers as he kisses under my jaw. I lay back with him and run my hands all over him, that warmth igniting my nerves after so long.

"I'm happy Levi, everything's fine." I sigh and run a hand against his cheekbone, but then his hand ghosts against my core and I swallow hard, shuddering a little. "It's just been a while you know?" I try to laugh it off, but I'm already trembling.

No, no, no!

Shit, this was going so well.

He smiles though, apparently convinced as he kisses me, and the trembling subsides slightly. It was fine, no need to panic. It's Levi, the man I love, my Captain, my fucking saving grace in the madness that was my life.

"All right." He chuckles, "I'll stop being paranoid." he kisses me hard and caresses me lovingly and immediately the pleasure burns everything else away. I arch into the touch and soon enough we become a blur of wanton caresses and writhing movement. We tumble together and soon enough I'm lost in the sensation as he fills me and I cry out his name in ecstasy.

Its only him and it's only me.

There's no place here for nightmares, for cruel memories, for the painful past.

It's just us, and it's just now.

"Levi…" I breathe as I cling, legs wrapped round him as he holds me close and kisses at my throat. It's like nothing has changed, it feels so normal, and I laugh a little. Finally some luck is thrown my way. Just let it continue, please, don't remember Levi. Spare yourself that? Beat the bastards at their own game.

He groans onto my shoulder as I tense with my moment draw nearer.

"I love you…" he pants before kissing me hungrily and possessively. It's like he's claiming me all over again, branding my heart anew and I moan into his mouth as I fall over the edge of that pinnacle moment, with him close behind.

It seemed our flame had endured.

He keeps whispering those three words as he kisses across my chest, along my shoulder and up my throat till he's lingering under my ear.

"I always will." He confesses and I feel a thrill go through me.

"Good thing too," I whisper turning to him when he lands in the mattress next to me, a sheen of sweat over him as he lays there with a faint smile in place. He looks lost to joy and it's a beautiful sight. I shuffle closer and kiss him gently on the lips, he sighs and winds an arm round me, holding me close. "I love you too. And I'm so glad you're back."

"Never leaving you again, brat. You're stuck with me now." He snorts and lays back, pulling me to his chest, I chuckle and lace my fingers into his raising his hand to my mouth and kissing it gently. "Sorry it took so long."

"I can exercise patience sometimes."

"Since when?" he laughs and at first I just watch his eyes crease with the laughter, and listen to that alien noise. It was a melody I'd never tire of. But as he stops and looks to me with a smirk, and raised brow, I bite on his nipple for his cheekiness. He yelps, and growls as he returns fire by biting my neck.

And we laugh.

We tussle

We lay there just existing.

It was so normal, and as the shadows sulk away from the room, I lay my forehead to his and breathe in the freedom.

"Fuck the nightmares."

"Give me a minute?" he groans tiredly and I just roll my eyes at him.

"You're such a prick."

He rumbles a chuckle in his chest and pulls me back down to there, where I nuzzle into the crook of his neck. It was home, it was peace, and it was bliss. Sleep creeps into the room and takes us both into its warmth. The last thing I know to the waking world being a blanket thrown over me and him gently kissing my cheek. The knife remains in its place, waiting but forgotten.

* * *

Dreams swirl through my mind, of far into the past, and the more recent trials of the past six months. But it's just a blur of colour and noise. I try to concentrate on the fact I can feel his warmth next to me. I was safe with him, I would always be safe with him. This was where I belonged.

I feel myself surface again towards consciousness, and I roll towards him only to find the pillow vacant. I mumble to myself and rub my eyes, he was sat up and staring ahead.

"Levi?" I croak through my sleep, he doesn't respond except to shiver. I sit up and grab the extra blanket to wrap it round him, frowning as he still doesn't respond. "Levi what is it? You're gonna freeze like this if you—"

"What the hell did I let them do…" he barely whispers it but it sends hard shudders right through me. I recoil a little; was he still asleep? Was he remembering? I swallow hard and shuffle forward, looking at his face. But still no response. He just stares forward, slight frown in place as he seems to struggle to comprehend what his mind was trying to remember. Or perhaps trying to forget. He takes a long breath, and it rattles through him as his hands bunch into the blankets.

"What did I let them do?" he repeats, voice crackling as he grits his teeth, and when his eyes shine I know he sees it. He sees that filthy cell, with those men around me. He sees me lying there in that tattered shirt, refusing to scream. He sees it all.

I pull the blankets closer to me, feeling that deep sense of shame again. Along with that is a heap of guilt as I consider what Keza had said. Had I just ladled on more guilt to his shoulders? Frankly I don't know what to do. There's a few moments of still silence, before I sit up and scrape my hair back, trying to find words. But my mouth feels so dry. He finally turns to me, his expression not changing except for the raising of his brows. I think he's having trouble believing this.

"Is it real? Or is it some sick trick of theirs?" he asks between his teeth, a hand running through his hair and tangling there, pulling slightly. I put my hands either side of his face and run my thumbs against his cheekbones, wondering for that moment whether or not I should go with that line. Perhaps I could convince him it was all a lie, and protect him with blissful ignorance of what they had made him witness. But then my heart aches. I know that'll only make it worse in the long run, and so I find my nerve, draw a long breath and try to keep composure.

"Levi I…" damn, I feel like someone's strapped my tongue down. My eyes get warm as he watches me, probably already knowing the answer from this reaction. But still, I think he needs to hear it out loud. I could do this. "I'm so sorry…I… I tried to sto—"

"For the sake of my sanity, brat, do _not_ blame yourself. Please spare me that." He begs and the first tear falls from my eyes as I retract my hands, the shame building more under those desperate grey eyes. But he just grabs them and holds firm. "So it's real…?" he breathes and I nod, looking away, unable to remain under that gaze without breaking.

"I'd hoped you wouldn't remember… I hoped—"

"What good would that have achieved?" he says angrily, shaking his head as he pulls me over and cradles me against his chest, shuffling back so he can lean against the headboard and swathe us in the blankets. I listen to his heartbeat and it's slowly calming down.

This wasn't what I'd expected in all honesty, and really now I don't know why it wasn't. This was Levi. I shouldn't suddenly expect him to fly off the handle with each problem we face, he was my Captain, my steady soldier. I curl into him and gladly accept his hold, he was so steady, I didn't understand how but I was glad for it nonetheless.

"You should have told me, Robyn." He says, without anger, but stern instead. I nod and shiver a little, making him pull more blanket over me.

"I just wanted to save you some pain." I whisper against his throat and he lays his head against mine, running a hand up and down my back.

"And do what to yourself? I mean… how did you… we could have waited longer, I could have been more careful… Robyn god dammit…" he sighs and kisses my hair, I trace across his chest and draw a shaken breath. "We're meant to be doing this together all right?"

"Okay, Levi."

"Did I…" He swallows, "Did I hurt you?" he asks, and I feel him shudder. I shake my head.

"You chased away the shadows like always, Levi. You always end up saving me."

"Not always apparently." He says and I flinch back from the guilt in his voice. He looks down at me, and as soon as get the courage to meet that gaze, I instantly regret doing so. It's like it's happening right in front of him, and seeing that pain ghost across his face just makes the shadows loom.

Together.

I swallow hard and shift so I'm sitting up in his lap, I run my hands through his hair and cup his face again, kissing him gently. At first he doesn't react, and I can feel him still staring at me, trying to find some way of fixing it. But he can't. I know he can't, and I've already accepted that. It will be a ghost in my past along with everything else. But what was important was that I was here with him now, and I knew we'd get through. Hell, it was just another fucking Titan to take down. I had plenty blades left.

"Don't leave me." I breathe, leaning back for a moment, and he frowns at my words. I kiss his forehead and smile as some more tears roll down my face, he catches them with gentle touches of his fingertips. "I'm not with you to have you magically fix everything, or always swoop in."

"Yes but—"

"You couldn't have done anything, Levi, and you shouldn't have had to. This wasn't you, or me. It was them. And… and we'll get them. We'll make them pay. But don't let them win by letting that fucking memory do what they wanted. Don't let the bastards beat us." I say and when I open my eyes I find him staring, without pain but with something else entirely. He looks amazed.

"When the hell did you get so wise?" he half laughs, seemingly caught unawares by my words. In all honesty I am too, and I just kiss him again giving a small but genuine smile.

"Probably around the same time I had to try and face this fucker of a world without you, and whilst I'm glad to have got some damn perspective… I never want to do it again. So throw that guilt away, please? Get a little slice of revenge with me by doing that?" I lay my forehead to his and we stare into each other for a long while before he kisses the end of my nose and wraps the blanket round both of us. He moves to kiss along my throat and I sigh, our chests pressed together and our hearts beating in time. "Is that a yes, Captain?"

"You got it, brat." He murmurs and I smile, running my hands through his silky locks I wonder how long it'll be until we do finally get to drive our blades into those bastards; the list was getting rather long. The Sword-toothed Titan, the woman with that cold voice, those three beasts who held me down and almost stole everything. We'd make them all pay, but we'd do it together. We'd burn them all in our flames.

"I love you, Levi." I whisper as he kisses back towards my lips where he lingers and delves his tongue inside, entwining it with mine as he traces small circles along my spine. When he breaks the kiss and looks up at me, I feel like the world was finally beginning to return to normal. It was a mad world with a thousand enemies, but it was one we could face together. He smirks and leans in to kiss over my heart lingering for a few moments before looking up at me again and smiling properly.

"I love you, Robyn. Thank you for not giving up on this old bastard."

"Thanks for not giving on this weird headcase."

"Never."

* * *

 **So yeah, it's a smaller update but I hope we can all agree that issue seriously needed it's own little moment in this flipping mad saga.**

 **Thank you for reading, more to come soon.**

 **I hope you're all still enjoying, as I have so much more of this story to tell . I am starting to wonder if this fic will ever end in all honesty.**

 **Anyway see you next time! Thank you to EVERYONE reading, reviewing and favouriting, you are all wonderful for giving my work your time!**

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 **Gracexxx: So glad to have cheered you up! This might... cheer you up as well? Lol intense but still...**

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 **Maria: I'm so touched to know you root for them, I know I do as well haha! Hopefully this little slice of solace was good enough? And the beat down will be coming all soon enough :D but seriuosly thank you for the praise, i hold it very highly!**

 **Antrisity: I wonder if you've caught up yet? If so thank you very much for the multiple reviews, it's wonderful to know how a reader is reacting as they go through a story of mine. A real thrill, so thank you.**


	31. Notage and Apologies once again Failure

**Happy Holidays to you all, I hope this festive season (as it gets closer and closer) is treating you all well. I plan to have updated all my stories by christmas as my gift to you all, but I make no promises.**

 **I won't lie, I have failed you all in upkeeping a regular update schedule and for that I can only apologise. This is down to a mixture of health issues, lack of sleep thanks to them, and procrastination. I make no excuses, I simply wanted to explain to you all.**

 **As usual I will be updating in the order of Chained Wings, Red Burning Wings and then Flight From Darkness.**

 **Thank you to everyone who has continued to follow and read, and to those that have reviewed. Means alot, really it does. As said before, I will be continuing all stories as and when I can, no one is disappearing I prrromise.**

 **Thanks again, best wishes to you all :) Francesca**


	32. Normalness

**Happy New Year my lovely readers!**

 **I hope you've all had a lovely festive season, and don't feel compelled to bugger about with resolutions because bugger it, we're all fabulous anyway! *fist pump*** **Moving on... there's a lot of booze still in my house...**

 **I aimed for a longer update considering the rather shocking state of my schedule so yay! Longer chapter for you all!**

 **Disclaimer: Nopedy Nope Nope I don't own AOT and just love messing around with the characters.**

 **Hope you Enjoy!**

* * *

As the sun finally broke over the horizon I was already up and sipping coffee on my way to the library. I hadn't been able to get back to sleep when I woke up still swathed in Levi's arms, it was ridiculously comfortable but I couldn't escape the idea I'd end up crushing him. Levi had still been asleep and I saw no reason to alter that state; he needed some damn rest. I slipped out and got myself dressed, the kitchen staff had looked at me like I was mad. Well yeah, voluntarily being up this early was a little odd, but I knew who else would be up.

Or rather, who would have likely never gone to sleep.

In my other hand is a coffee for my brainy friend. I was determined to find out just what the hell had been going on with our little blonde crystal baby whilst I'd been otherwise occupied with my own bubble of nonsense. I head inside and look around, as usual the place looks completely empty and the dust dances around in the distinct rays of sunlight that are peeking through the high windows. It was an odd room, and not one I'd ever lingered in for very long. It sort of creeped me out in all honesty, so many unspoken words seemed weird to me and yet somehow Armin loved it in here.

Each to their own I guess.

"What brings you in here Robyn?" calls a familiar voice, slightly gravelled with lack of sleep. I turn and smile at the blonde kid, heading over to hand him his coffee before sitting down next to him. I only briefly look at what he's doing, knowing full well I wouldn't understand at it at a glance anyway. Plus he loved to discuss it at length, why take that from him?

"Well… firstly I came to apologise."

"For…?" he smirks and blows on his coffee.

"For being an ass Armin! I have been a complete and total ass to you, and I'm so very sorry. And I also came along to find out what you knew, if anything, about Annie?" I say and bite my lip, he just frowns though and sips his coffee.

Do I see stubble?

My mind reels, these guys had to stop growing up around me, it was seriously freaking me out now. And making me feel a little old – how the hell did Levi deal with this shit?

"Why have you turned into a mule?" he asks dryly, and I smirk at his cheeky grin.

"I haven't once come to see you Armin, it's a fairly shi—"

"Robyn you've had a _few_ other things on your mind, I understand."

"That doesn't make it right." I point out and he just shrugs, I ruffle his hair, "I'm sorry okay? Just accept the apology and I promise I'll cut out the puppy-dog eyes. And then you can blabber on at me about all the things you've discovered. Like you used to." I add slightly whimsically. Those days felt like a lifetime ago, if not two.

He smiles and nods, touching his coffee mug to mine with a soft clink. I wondered what it would take to darken those big blue eyes, and then I realised I didn't want to know that. I hoped to never see that happen, I'd already witnessed the start of it with Eren, and that was bad enough.

"I'm afraid I don't have much to blabber on about, it's been a lot of dead-ends and hearsay. Nothing concrete, nothing set, no real answers at all." He sighs and pushes his hair back, if it got any longer he'd have to tie it back like us gals. Not that he wouldn't suit it.

"I'm sorry Armin, that's got to be pretty damn frustrating for a brainbox such as yourself." I look across the table at the mass of tomes and texts, rolls of parchment and his own discarded notes. It was a mess but I had the strangest feeling it was clear as day to Armin. He follows my gaze and worries his bottom lip with his teeth. Perhaps he had also lost track of where he was?

"It was the most frustrating when you and the Captain were gone, we had nothing to go on and then no answers from Annie either. It just kept on happening, every door being slammed in our faces, making us feel more and more like trapped animals."

I nod and realise I hadn't put much thought into how much distress had been caused here, as well as to us when we were taken. With each new slice of information I feel a little bit more selfish. I had a long list of things to make up for. And it was getting longer.

"At least we have you two back now, and in your own selves as well." Says Armin with a signature smile, his blue eyes crinkling at the sides slightly. He then picks up another piece of parchment. "How are things there anyway? Back to normal?" his eyes scan the page carefully now, so I'm not sure how much he's actually listening, but he'd had the good grace to ask. I'd give him that much.

"Good, thanks. Getting better with every single day. I think the setting helps him a lot."

"You're still in recovery as well Robyn… keep that in mind?" he adds with those shrewd eyes and I nod, only rolling my eyes a little. "Seriously Robyn, you need to—"

"Are her eyes still open?" I smile sweetly, not wanting to have to tell him to drop it if I could avoid it. It was kind of him to take an interest, but I was a little done with being the victim. He sees this I think and gives a small shrug, moving on like the good friend he was.

"Open and watching, and still damned unnerving. I'm not sure I even understand how she's alive in there without sustenance. I suppose it's a form of hibernation, I just hope she's as weak as we're all thinking she will be when that crystal does eventually give in." he sighs, "If it ever does. She might well stand long after the walls have all crumbled…" he gets this dark look across his face for a second when those words are breathed past his thin lips before he blinks and returns to the room. I wonder how many shadows he has in that brilliant mind.

It was easy to forget with those big blues, but he had seen plenty shit as well, he had also lost his family, and dwindled on like Eren and Mikasa. I didn't like that many people brushed him off as nothing more than their sidekick. In many ways Armin outshone them, in fact, in many ways I thought he outshone most of us. Me most of all.

"Couldn't it be that she would need the sunlight to rejuvenate herself?"

He gives me an odd look.

"Like the normal Titans?" I continue, blushing a little as I start to feel foolish. "H-Have you ever tested that with Eren? How his Titan form reacts to being kept in the dark?" I ask and he grins at me all of a sudden, nodding and handing me unreadable notes. The scrawled handwriting is a dead giveaway. "I'm guessing Hanji did that test?"

"She had him sit there for… a few hours." He chuckles, "He dozed right off and nearly took a wall with him when he toppled. It was hilarious, and I've never seen Hanji more excited about something passing out."

"Wow… that does sound excited." I chuckle, and he shakes his head before pointing to the small graph at the bottom. I nod, despite not being able to read a damn thing.

"By keeping Annie away from Sunlight, I believe we'll be keeping her weak." He then chews his lip and glances up at the window, the sun so much warmer when passing through glass. I follow his gaze and then touch the notes covered in drawings of the crystal that still lie on the table.

"You think the crystal would allow her to soak up that kind of energy quicker?"

"I had a theory yes… of course there's no real way of testing that. Eren doesn't seem capable of the crystal forming, at least not yet." He shrugs and then sits back with a sigh, a very cynical sigh considering the time of morning.

"Armin…"

"I know, I know. At least we have her contained… I just can't help but be frustrated by it all. It's just stuff like that, all the half formed theories, and small straws at which we can clutch. Nothing solid. I miss facts from books sometimes." He rubs his eyes and I put a hand on his shoulder.

"Theories are better than nothing, Armin. I mean it." I add when he gives an unenthusiastic nod. He was the smartest cadet I had ever known, and only outmatched by Erwin really. And yet he doubted himself so much. It was so blatant to see, and yet so hard to deal with; his resolve was as hard set as his morals were.

"Try not to get too disheartened okay? You'll get there, and now I'll actually be paying enough attention to help."

"It's not necessary…"

"You saying you don't want my help?" I give a pout and he laughs at me, shaking his head again and causing that wayward hair back into his way.

"I'd be glad of the company. I had to ask Hanji to stick to the lab work for a bit as her jabbering was kind of getting in the way, I work best in silence."

"Note to self, shut up." I chuckle and he does too, the tension in his shoulders seeming to lessen a bit. I glance at the window again and purse my lips. "Armin… Can you… can you maybe take me down there to see her later?"

"Of course, why so timid?" He looks up from his notes again, blue eyes tightened with curiosity. I clasp my hands together and glance over the table full of knowledge and scribbles, it feels like a lifetime ago that I was able to focus on things within the regiment, within my duty. By the time I open my mouth to answer him, I'm full on blushing at the idiocy of what I'm about to say.

"It feels like so long since all that happened… and since it was just the regiment and it's own issues… everything else got so big… I just… I mean I don't know how I'll…" I give up with a groan, laying my head on the table. A hand pats my hair, ever-so-slightly in a patronising manner.

"It's all right to just want someone there to help Robyn." He says gently, and I can feel that kind smile even without seeing it.

Armin Artlet, such a quiet soul and yet probably one of the finest I would ever have the luck to know and be near. I had to try and appreciate that more from now on. For too long had I felt things slipping between my fingers, or rushing past without notion, I needed to change that. I needed to grab hold and take notice. This life was short enough without me ignoring everything on the way past.

"Thanks Armin." I sigh, sitting up and then getting up. I grab my coffee cup and head for the door slowly, turning on the spot with a smirk. "Don't forget to eat okay? I know what you're like."

"That you do." He said with an odd little smile, I laugh gently as he makes no move at all despite my words. He wouldn't leave till he saw fit to, or till he had other duties. A harder worker was hard to come by, I knew this well and so didn't press the matter. Instead I just duck out and head towards the mess-hall, my now empty coffee rolling in between my hands.

As I walk down the corridors, whistling away without so much as a shadow in sight I feel something ghost past my arm before suddenly I'm gripped from behind.

Well damn, this day had started to well.

I'm dragged to the side and pushed against the wall without ceremony. I would have screamed if it weren't for the flash of long brown locks swirling around me, and then of course it's Keza staring back, scanning my face all over. Why the daft bitch was pinning me to the wall was unclear, but I stayed quiet whilst she made her study. And then another.

When the silent staring contest had gone on for five minutes I grew bored.

Really anyone would.

"Keza for the… what the hell are you doing?" I groan, rubbing the back of my now pounding head. If there was ever a way of looking at ones skull, I was sure mine would look like a messed up puzzle. "I'm not actually a Ninja like Levi you know, I don't bounce as well as he does. Fuck... you hit like a damn wagon…"

"Are you all right?" she asks, apparently not listening to anything I'd just said. I feel like punching her in all honesty, as clearly I've just smacked my head off the wall, so no, I'm not 'all right'. But I don't, because deep down I know her heart is in the right place as those keen eyes continue their scrutiny. Even if the maniac doesn't know her own strength, she cared a hell of a lot.

"Well I might have a concussion now—"

"Numbnuts don't fuck with me." She snaps and I flinch at her tone, the mothering side to Keza was never a good idea to mess with. It seemed I'd rather shaken her up with my confession yesterday, and the simple fact was, I was now more touched than I was annoyed. I nod slowly, being sure to hold eye contact to avoid her suspecting me lying. There's a long pause as she makes her judgement and then slowly sighs, and relinquishes her hold on me. She steps back and smooths her hair.

"Satisfied?" I ask as I gently rub the spot that would presumably be an egg like bump soon enough. She clicks her tongue and pits her hands on her curvaceous hips.

"You really mean it? You're all right? You did the deed and there was no fallout?"

"Woo me more with your poetics ways." I grumble and she just waits, long nails drumming against her hipbones. I wave my hands and push off the wall. "Yes, and everything was fine… I mean… there were a couple moments obviously but… but it was fine. Really."

"And did he remember?" she presses, not letting me away with anything today apparently. I swallow and avoid her gaze, well aware of the 'I told you so' dance she so loved to jig about in front of me. When she had the chance to.

"Yeah he did." I confess and she looks solemn, but I just shrug. It wasn't a good thing that he had remembered of course, but at least it wasn't going to be hanging over us anymore, waiting to drop. "We talked it through, and we're all good."

"You didn't run and hide like a prick?" her head tilts, expression completely disbelieving.

"Seriously Keza, I'm not downplaying or hiding. I-I think we're all good now." I say with a slight laugh and after a pause, she joins in, cupping my face and then pulling me into a boob-crushing hug.

Ow.

"Finally ya daft bitch, you're getting some well-earned karma payback."

"Seems so. Sorry for scaring you." I breathe into her mess of brown hair, and she just gives me another squeeze before letting go and smoothing herself down all over again.

"Well you have to keep me on my toes I guess…"

"Hopefully it's the last time for a while."

"With you I expect it every day." She taps my nose and I just stick out my tongue.

"You heading for the mess hall? Fancy some breakfast with me?"

"Sure thing love, Erwin said he'd meet me down there." She glances along the corridor and I chuckle, nudging her in the arm and waggling my eyebrows at her. She does her best, but the blush is still there under those delicate few freckles.

"Oh it's Erwin now is it? Not Golden boy or Magic Dick?"

"Magic Dick?" she repeats in a snort, "Leave the nicknames to me all right there Numby? Let's get some chow, I'm bloody starving."

* * *

The sheer normalness of everything was frankly putting me off, I clumsily made my way over to the table once I'd picked up my food and I sat down by Erwin, coffee sloshing over the side of my cup a little. Erwin is looking over notes as he eats, accepting a kiss on the cheek from Keza as she sits down beside him and then Levi appears, and sits opposite me. It was like nothing had ever happened and I slowly chew my toast. So what was going to go wrong now?

"Stop fidgeting, brat." Sighs Levi as he finishes his coffee and I jolt upright, not having noticed the fact I'd slightly curled into myself and started glancing around. Because that isn't creepy or weird looking at all.

Get it together Sanshi.

"Sorry…" I smile and try eating my toast again, he just smirks and nods. Erwin has a brow raised, his eyes glancing between us for a few moments before he seems to suddenly understand something and goes back to his meal. Keza giggles.

"What's on the duty roster for today then?" asks Armin who suddenly appears at the edge of the table. I smile at him, and the others do a small double-take. I'm guessing it had been quite some time since he had been spotted eating at a normal time, or with other people. I really had been in my own little bubble.

"Good to see you Artlet."

"Thank you sir." He nods to Erwin and takes his seat, getting a small nudge from Connie and goofy grin. Armin blushes gently and starts eating his eggs, not enjoying the attention but apparently touched by their interest. Erwin sets down his paperwork for a moment.

"Well now that Artlet has brought it up, I'll be needing help going over the data we collected from the previous mission. I need someone to translate the last of Hanji's notes as let's face it her writing is basically code." Drawls Erwin with a smirk, and Hanji's glasses flash as she sits there with her mouth hanging open.

"Hey I _really_ tried to be neat this time!" she looks around as though someone would be able to verify that fact, when truthfully no one dared to go near her lab for fear of never making it back out again. Erwin smiles.

"Indeed, and somehow that made it worse." He says with a shake of his head. "Stick to the experimenting Squad Leader, and please get an assistant to take down your notes. It would definitely save time, and my eyesight."

"So for the rest of us…?" I ask as I finish my toast, the Commander looks through his papers and then down at me with a small shrug. "Train and clean?"

"Why ask the question if you already know the answer?" he chuckles and hands the notes over to Armin who starts devouring them almost as eagerly as his breakfast. The way those two have their eyes light up over data and planning; it was adorable as much as it was exasperating. How they weren't related I would never understand.

"Fancy some gear training then, brat?" asks Levi, nudging my foot under the table.

I grin and nod, knowing full well I didn't need it, but never all that willing to give up on the chance for some flying. I glance down at my empty plate and my mind wanders back to the previous night. We had been so open with each other, so honest. I had been wondering for a while whether or not I should, or could ask him what else actually happened to him during his captivity, but considering all we had shared now? I was eager to know. I was eager to help. Maybe this would be the best opportunity, no mission looming over us, and now no secrets of mine to dodge.

"Meet me on the starting line in ten?" he gets up and I nod again, watching him walk away and suddenly a lot less bothered by the normality.

Of course there would something else round the corner, there always was in this mad life of ours, but now I could face it with him. I had to seriously make up for some of my rather lacking past six months. Then again, I'd been an ample soldier, just a shite human being. When my Captain has disappeared outside to the compound, heading for the gear store, I take a moment to glance around those remaining at the table.

Commander Erwin, Hanji, Keza, Armin, Eren and Mikasa, Jean and even Connie.

They were all there, they always had been, flitting around in the background, probably keeping an eye on me whilst I wandered about like a damned machine with rusted parts. Their kindness was too much in all honesty, and I doubted it would matter how much time we all managed to steal from the hourglass; I would never be able to fully repay them.

"Guys I… I just wanted to say…"

"I sense a speech…" murmurs Keza from the other side of Erwin, and a smirk pulls on my lips. I wonder how I stood it around here without her lingering about the place, she suited it so well it seemed odd to consider her ever having not been there. I wonder if it was the same for Erwin. I seriously needed to ask her what the hell was actually going on there; I wouldn't bother asking him. For one thing he was still my superior and might find such nosiness annoying, and for another I sensed he would quickly blush and find some paperwork to hide behind.

"I just wanted to say thank you… I've been a particular kind of idiot recently and frankly I let you guys down—"

"Robyn we don't—" I hold up a hand to Eren, and give him a smile when he backs down with a blush. Mikasa nudges him, winking at me as she knows I just need to get this out. I knew then I really needed to thank her in private, I could only imagine all she had done to keep Eren calm over these past few months. He wasn't known for his patience, and yet it had been golden.

You're too good to me Mikasa.

"Just let me get this out, Eren? You can tell me how wrong I am etc. later okay?"

He nods.

"I let you guys down, and whilst I know I kept up appearances as a soldier, I rather let it slide in terms of… of being a functioning human. So really, for your patience, and for not just whacking me round the face on a daily basis, thank you. Sincerely." I look round with a meek smile, and they're all beaming, a couple shaking their heads at me and Connie just grinning like the brilliant idiot he was. "I'm going to leave now before this gets too soppy and Keza starts making wretching noises."

"Better move fast Numby." She mutters.

I get up, clean away my things before heading outside. It wasn't much, and I knew I still had a long way to go to make up for my follies, but at least it was a start.

The air was crisp that morning, fresh feeling as it swirled down my throat and seemed to clean out my lungs. A few clouds skirted about, and generally speaking peace won out through the compound. It was a perfect day for training, it was a perfect day for almost anything really.

I head for the store and grab some gear, assuming Levi would already be out there at the starting line, stretching and getting ready. There was no way he needed to do training, even when he had first returned he had been in peak physical condition, but I guessed he rather enjoyed being able to take advantage of freedom these days. I'd wait till we were maybe on the course, or even taking a rest in the canopy, but I needed to ask him what else had happened. I didn't like the idea of him hiding behind that Captain's mask of composure, especially not for me. I was a messed up idiot 90% of the time, so he had every right to have a few broken moments for me too.

Maybe more than a few…

I head outside with my gear all strapped on, and find him stood on the starting line, very still and almost as if to attention. He has no real blades in his sheaths, just the hardened wood training ones. I wonder if he still fears something being triggered whilst flying through the air; I understand the concern but hate the idea he still doesn't trust himself. We'd already been on a mission, what else was he afraid of there being? Then I look down at myself and swallow hard, or was it he was afraid that training with _me_ might trigger something? He seems to be looking into the thicket of trees, his eyes sharp as he breathes deep through slightly ajar lips.

I wonder what he sees.

I wonder what he wants to see.

"Hey there… million miles away?" I say, touching his arm gently as I stand upon the line too. He turns with that signature smirk I'd grown oddly used to seeing, the eyes soften and return to present apparently. It seemed like he had been looking into the past, and I knew that usually meant pain.

"You could say that, yeah. Ready to go?"

"Of course, you just wanting to do a run, or you wanting the boards up as well?" I glance over to where the cadets are gathering for other duties, knowing full well I could grab a couple to do the honours of raising the dummies for Humanities Strongest and his wayward pet. He just shakes his head though and rolls his shoulders a bit.

"Let's just do a run, it's been too long since I just flew… guess I sound like an old bastard now…"

"Middle aged at most." I quip with a wink when he raises a brow at my cheek. I then take a second to draw a deep breath and take off running as fast as I can. Even if it was a casual run, simply for the joy of flying and feeling some weightlessness, he would be fast as bullet.

Just like always.

It only takes a few minutes for us to end up buried in the canopy and for it to feel like we might as well have been miles away from anywhere, and from anyone. It was unnerving, as well as very pleasant. Nothing but green and brown, light mossy air and the rustle of leaves. The wind whistles past, and a few startled birds flutter upwards away from the noisy zipping of our wires and clang of gears adjusting to our weight.

I swing down and swoop up, I turn and I twist, I feel the hair in my ponytail whip about. This was freedom, this was simplistic joy. I see the flashes of sunlight burst into chilled infernos as I break through the top of the trees, only to be swallowed once against by the fractural green mass of pattering foliage. Occasionally I see a flash of jet black hair, but it's only a flash every now and then. He's faster than a bullet; for goodness sake a bullet would be panting and wheezing trying to keep up with that man's prowess on this gear.

How had I ever matched up?

Had I ever actually managed it?

"Damn it."

I land on the nearest branch as his voice snaps through the air and I see him stood hopping on one ankle slightly. I guess the old injury still acted up now and then. Faster than a bullet, but ultimately he was still human, never mind how little he liked to admit that fact.

I swing over and land next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder to provide some stability.

"Son-of-a-bitch gear." He mutters and I feel the oddest sense of Déjà vu.

"Mind your mouth Capatin." I whisper in his ear, helping him over to the trunk so he can lean properly. "Did you gear get jammed? Or did the tree just jump out of nowhere?"

"Yeah… just suddenly clicked out. Probably wasn't cleaned properly." He sighs, shrugging it off so we can have a proper look.

He slides down and sits, sore ankle hanging off the branch nonchalantly as he shrugs off his jacket and rolls up his sleeves. It was such a normal action I find myself watching a little too closely, I was clearly starved of normal human actions.

"You gonna stare like a weirdo? Or give me a hand? If I remember correctly, you're the one who usually ended up with broken gear?"

"That's correct, Levi." I say and he gives me a little look as I recall our conversations through those cell bars.

I kneel down and have a look, seeing a problem I had faced many a time when sharing equipment with the rookies. Levi had still not been given back his personal gear, by his own request he had wanted to remain unable to access gear too easily. Just in case.

"I'll get it, easy fixed. Give me a second." I start undoing it and recoiling the wire. I can feel him watching me as I work, and I shift a little under his gaze.

"Why so fidgety today? You were all over the place at breakfast."

"I just… It's all very normal at the moment."

"Normal? Since when is our life normal?" he says, swinging his leg gently.

"I know, I know. I just can't help but wait for the other shoe to drop." I reply with a shrug, licking my finger and removing the grit from the gear in question. He grimaces at my action but still flicks my forehead with his finger.

"Just enjoy it whilst you can."

"I will… though… Levi I was wondering…"

"Wondering what? Spit it out already, you know you can ask me anything Robyn." He says softly, and I look up to see him resting his head back against the tree, eyes closed as he breathes through his nose. He looks relaxed. His hair shifts in the breeze, going over his eyes a little. "Stop staring."

"Sorry…" I then cringe as I realise I just confirmed that I was, god dammit. He chuckles gently and I start putting the gear back together as I try and find the question on my tongue.

"I was just wondering if you could remember everything from when you were away… like… did they mess with that memory as well?" my voice gradually drops away to a whisper as it makes its way past my lips.

As I click the last part back into place I look up and see those grey eyes watching me. I can't read them though. Is it simple blankness, or a reserved mask hiding pain? I can't tell and frankly that worries me, I had gotten pretty good at reading him before all this had happened. I felt like I might be back at square one with his tells.

"Levi?" I say quietly, the breeze whistling past us far louder than my voice. I hand back the gear and bite my lip. He looks to where the skin is worried, and he reaches out slowly, running his thumb over it and relinquishing my teeth's hold. He pauses and takes a deep breath, hand leaving my skin a second later.

"I can remember it all, I think. It came back mostly whilst I was in the cells... when I thought I'd… well you know." He starts putting the gear back on, but stays seated, clearly not intending to run away from this. For some reason though, the way he's holding his jaw that little bit tighter makes me want to fire off my own wires and run all of a sudden.

What else had they put him through?

What else had I left him to endure alone?

"You don't have to—"

"We're meant to be doing this together, right?" he interrupts me, a small smile breaking upon his pale lips. I let my own lips pull into a smile as I settle on the branch and hold his gaze. He looks unsure, but I think it's more that he doesn't want to trouble me with too many details. But I don't look away for a second, I was here and I wanted to know, that much I had to make clear to him and his stubborn head.

Together.

Always.

Something clicks in his head, and he draws a long breath, foot no longer swinging.

"Thankfully it wasn't all mind games and convincing me you were the Female Titan… if it had been I probably would have lost it… but no, they did… they did other things as well." He looks confused, as though trying to figure out how to explain it all. Every pause makes my heart clench that little more, but I keep a calm face. "I spent a decent amount of time in that arena, the one we woke up in?"

"I remember, they… they didn't keep injecting you with that stuff did they?" I swallow hard, the image of him clinging to the dirt and demanding I murder him far too clear in my mind. He shakes his head though and I breathe a little easier. Small mercies.

"I think… now that we're fairly sure it wasn't a permanent thing they did to me, I think my blood rejected it. I don't think the Ackerman's are compatible with their bullshit."

"That's a good thing though… right?" I ask quietly, and he snorts in exasperation.

"Depends on how you look at it, I guess…" He then lays his head back on the trunk again, eyes turning a little cold as he looks down at his hands.

I hope I'm wrong, but it looks like how I sometimes look at my own hands, when all I can see is the pooling blood of my victims. I stay quiet now, feeling out of my depth as I know less and less about what he's saying and feeling.

My Captain…

"They would throw me in there all geared up, and every single time there was a new titan to be taken down. Only I knew every single time it wasn't a normal titan at all…" he purses his lips and fiddles with the collar of his coat in his lap. "It was someone who had been injected like I had. But they were always so ferocious, so desperate to kill me, and it never gave me any other choice but to take them down. I tried every single time to just cut them out like I had to Eren a few times but…" he pauses and clears his throat, and I'm sure I'm just imagining to slight shine in his eye. "But if I did? I'd just be made to watch them either inject them all over again a day or so later, or they'd just shoot them on the spot. Some in the middle of thanking me…"

I reach over and take his hand, gently rubbing my thumb against the back of it. He flinches initially, looking up with far too much guilt in those tired eyes. Despite the fact he'd just said so himself, that he didn't have a choice, I could tell he didn't think that. He hated what he had done.

"If it was kill or be killed, I'm sure those people were glad you hadn't let them kill you. Did you know any of them? Or were they just random people?" I speak quietly, still moving my thumb against his hand. It seems to calm him as his eyes no longer seem misted.

"I didn't recognise any of them thankfully, but I reckon those bastards were trying to perfect that damn serum for some real purpose. I hate to think how they might use it in the real world though… out in amongst the civilians." He shakes his head and I squeeze his hand, he squeezes back, smiling ever-so-slightly.

"We're going to find them Levi, and we're going to stop them. I promise you that." I go on my knees and lean over to kiss him gently, he returns it and lays his forehead to mine. "I promise." I breathe and he smiles properly at long last.

"I believe you, brat."

"Good, Captain." I kiss his forehead and sit back, "Is there anything else?"

"Just noise… and a cell… other than that it was the mind shit." He shrugs and I swallow hard, nodding as I look down at a few cadets doing their own little test-runs. They fly past as they whoop and cheer, encouraging each other and laughing when they made mistakes.

"If you think of anything else, or just want to talk it through—"

"I'll come to you Robyn, I promise." He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear and gets to his feet, testing the ankle and nodding. "Seems all right now."

"Just be careful on it all right? No point breaking yourself." I check around and quickly peck his cheek before firing off into the canopy, lingering in the next set of trees to ensure his gear was all right.

He sets off and it's like he hadn't missed a single beat. I turn and continue my way back, mind fizzing with what he had told me. I had hoped the serum failed and they'd given up, but considering the lengths they had gone to in order to mess with Levi, them giving up so easily seemed rather foolish to have been assumed. These people, whoever they were, clearly had big plans and were willing to hurt anyone in order to achieve them.

It made me feel really cold.

But on the plus side we had Levi back, and if those callous bastards had failed in taking him away, it was perfectly plausible they would fail at everything else as well. I land a little clumsily and undo my hair as the tie starts to ache with how tight it was pulling on my hair. I fluff it out and look around, the compound coming back into life with the continuation of the morning.

A moment later Levi lands and comes over to my side. He pauses for a second, and then runs a hand through my hair; whilst his affectionate touches were most welcome, they were still odd to me. I suppose it was a fair enough reaction, to become a little less withheld after being so close to becoming permanently separated, but it remained strange for me. His hand is soon retracted, but there's already eruptions of whispers all around.

He loved to fuel the gossip mill didn't he?

Sheesh.

"I'm going to try and catch up on some paperwork. I'll see you later, feel free to come back to the room though," he says, eyes a lot less distant.

"Sure thing, pass me your gear, I'll get it logged back in."

I can only hope the talk did some real good for him. He walks away and I head for the gear store, undoing it all and setting it back into place as I hear some horses being lead to the stables after their morning run around. I head to the compound and see Eren leading a couple Stallions back towards their beds, and I head over, taking the reins of the second one from him. He turns with a grin, and heads inside, apparently glad of the company.

"Have a good run?" he asks as he hauls some hay over and starts dishing it out, excited whinnies bubbling up around us as I lock the other gate into place.

"Yeah it was nice to just do some random flying and practise some manoeuvres. Gave us a good chance to talk as well…" I start brushing down the Stallion as it munches away, and I can feel him watching me. I wait, but the lingering quiet continues as I feel the close gaze bore into the side of my head.

First Keza, now him.

Bloody hell.

Either I looked fucking gorgeous today, or they both needed to lighten up.

"If you have something to ask Eren, please just go ahead?" I look over my shoulder at him and he sighs, picking up a brush as well and shifting out of sight to tend to the other Stallion.

"Has he done anything else remotely… out of character?"

"Not at all." I reply calmly, making sure not to respond too quickly and make him suspicious. He makes a sound of acceptance before falling into a thoughtful silence. "I promise I would tell you Eren, but he's taking every precaution that he can. I mean it."

Should I tell him about the knife currently hidden under our headboard?

That might be too much information though…

"Does he know what they did to you yet?" he asks bluntly and I nearly drop the damn brush. Eren waits and I take a second to catch my breath. Dammit Eren could be perceptive at times. Of course at others he was a daft as a toothbrush, but on those moments he had clarity? It always unnerved me.

"Robyn?"

"Sorry…" I cough and finish up my brush work, walking round to lean against the stall he was working in. He glances my way and blushes a little when I smile softly at him. He was such a dear to me, I still didn't know what I'd done to deserve his caring nature.

"He knows now. He…" I scuff the floor with my boot and start fiddling with my hair. "He remembered last night actually."

"Shit… I'm guessing you were hoping he wouldn't? Or did you tell him?"

"Nosy aren't we?" I snicker and wink when his blush deepens. "I had hoped he wouldn't remember yeah, but as with my luck being what it is… he did… woke up to him sitting upright and wondering if it was a real memory or another one of their tricks."

"So I guess he knows everything now." He says, finishing up as well and hanging the brush up where it belonged. "Things can start returning to normal around here then?" he sounds a little too hopeful and I can't help but wish for my agreement. But there was still so much to do. I pick a stray strand of hay from his mess of chocolate locks.

"As much as possible yeah… but we still need to figure out who took us, who did those things to us, and why they were so desperate to take down the Scouts. On top of that we need to know what they'll do next. As we've already seen Eren, they can be anywhere."

"Sounds like paranoia to me." He mutters, clenching his jaw a bit too tight.

"Sounds like experience to me. And I don't plan on allowing any of our friends to repeat my experience, or Levi's." I say with a curt nod, which he returns and then pulls me into a close hug. "I am sorry it's taken so long Eren, I really am." I mumble to his shoulder, his hold just tightens.

"You came back, that's the main thing." He breathes, standing back a bit a second later when we can hear footsteps approaching. I grin at his little blush and turn to see a young cadet enter, looking for her horse in all likeliness.

"As it's a training day can I um… am I allowed to…" she glances at the horse I can only assume is hers, I nod and head towards her.

The kid was tiny, and I sort of assume she'll need help saddling up. It's a bit of a patronising thought, but the girl was a regular at having to ask questions. She was in most of the groups I'd been helping to train over the past few months, and she had a lot of potential. Despite her slight frame. For the life of me though I couldn't remember her name.

Janice?

Jenny?

Oh fuck it I have no idea…

"Of course, cadet. No worries! I'll grab a saddle for you, though you might want to take a partner with you just in—fuck!" I jump back as something sharp digs into my arm, and I spin round and find her lunging at me.

Not today.

I duck and kick the small of her back so that she crumples to the ground. I stand there panting for a couple seconds, heart pounding in my ears as I stare down at the tiny little shite currently scrambling in the dirt.

"What the fuck are you doing, cadet?!" I demand as she staggers to her feet whilst I take a few retreating steps. I look down at where the pain continued to nip at my nerves and see a syringe, it's uncompressed thankfully but the damn thing is still jutting out my god damn arm. The liquid inside is a deep purple and it seems to bubble slightly.

"Just accept your fate Sanshi." She growls at me rather creepily, making another lunge. But I just slam my boot into the side of her head and pin her down by her scrawny throat. I look round at Eren who just looks completely bamboozled, and frankly I don't blame him. But right now I could do with some shackles.

"Earth to Eren." I call out and he jolts, doing a double-take and then staring at my arm. He goes a little pale, but as his mouth opens to begin to mad ramblings of concern I hold up a hand. "Hold off on the panic babble for now and go get me Hanji, and some shackles if you wouldn't mind."

"But the—"

"Eren. Please?" I say with a tilt of my head. He nods and rushes off, I don't touch the syringe despite the awfully tugging sensation with every slight bob of it as it sticks out of me like a hat pin. I turn back to the wriggling idiot who is thankfully slowing in her pathetic writhing, all while maintaining a rather impressive stink-eye.

" _GoddamnSanshiscum—_ "

"I am _terribly_ sorry but my mad henchman is a tad rusty, perhaps take a nap? We can talk when you're less grumpy?" I step on her throat a little more and slowly the meek little fidgets die away to nothing, and her eyes slide closed. She could sleep until the shackles turned up.

Well I guess I got my answer.

What was going to happen now?

Well, a little jumped up twit with pigtails is going to wander in all innocent looking to the stables whilst you have a charming chat with Eren. She'll ask for help, and then stab you with a questionable syringe that seems to have more than just a vitamin shot bubbling around inside of it.

In all honesty, I wasn't that satisfied with the answer.

* * *

 **I hope it was worth the wait!**

 **Thank you all so very very much for your patience and continued support, I really can't believe how many people seem to enjoy my stories on here, and it's always amazing to see it. I shall move onto shoutouts in a second, but to everyone who is following and faving, and just happened to be reading this when the update went up? Thank you, sincerely and truly, thank you.**

 **All the best for the new year, and hopefully the second season of this fricking show! 0_0**

 **Note! Please, please, please do yourselves a favour, and check out this story I'm still Betaing for, by the talented Lilly Manchester. It's a brilliant wee story with plenty scope to keep going, and I hope you all enjoy it! It seriously needs more reads! It's called Wings of Freedom, Wings of Love. I love Betaing for it, and it's been a joy to be a part of it. I hope you all like it too!**

 **Shoutouts! You're all amazing, just putting that right here as it applies to every single one of you.**

 **Darkangel: I have no plans to finish this story so please be assured it will be continuing no matter the delay (which i do wholeheartedly apologise for again, i know, bad author me!) And I'm glad you enjoyed the resolution of that rather dark episode in their relationship. It was nice to write in all honesty, felt like a weight had been lifted!**

 **R: Thank you so much for your praise, i hope you're still enjoying or reading etc. and I am seriously taken aback by your kind words. Having someone on the edge of their seat is always the goal, though this time was a LITTLE more laid back. I felt some more normal chapters were needed, but don't worry, things are building up all over again! Hope you enjoyed!**

 **Heaven-water-sister: I will be always intending to update this story, should it ever come to its end, I will make it perfectly clear to all. That is a promise. And thank you for your concern, I hope the update pleased you!**

 **Maria: Once again you blow me out of the water with your kind praise and wonderful words, thank you so very much and I am THRILLED you enjoyed it so much. Me and the writing gods have an understanding, but right now they're being a little grumpy with me. Hopefully my festive sacrifice of turkey and too much gravy will calm them! Hope you're still loving it, and I am just so thankful for your kind response to my post about delays and whatnot. You truly are a lovely person, and I am so very glad to have you as a reader for my work. Thank you, and all the best for the coming year.**

 **SailorDeath: Never fear on not reviewing sooner, just glad to have heard from you now! I am very glad you're enjoying it, and if you've seriously just managed to plough through this ridiculously long story in one go? Kudos my friend, all the kudos!**

 **Gracexxx: Health issues meh, I'm just grateful to have you all here waiting for updates (waiting too long I know) and thank you for the good wishes. Things are definitely improving, but its a long road ahead. Your understanding really helps, and more than that, it really encourages me also. Thank you! And of course I put procrastination as a reason, its a legit problem and as a Graduate i know it well!**

 **Mrs Michaelis! It's so wonderful to hear from you! Thank you so much my dear, and I hope the update was a good one for you! :D all the best!**

 **I love writing these shoutouts, it just gives me a damned good excuse to look through all your amazing reviews that you brilliant people take the time to write. I mean it sounds awfully cheesy, but hey its still that kinda season right? Thanks guys! Hopefully see you soon!**


	33. Voice of Reason

**Hello hello hello! Another day, another update. I hope you like and I hope you continue to enjoy the story.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT, only Robyn and frankly that's enough.**

 **WARNING: From this point on there maybe elements from the manga used or implemented, so potential spoilers, but in all honesty if you read fanfiction you should be more than prepared for that! Nothing huge is planned right now, but these things happen.**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"Can I just take it out myself now—"

"No, no, no! Don't touch it, please?!" squeals the scientist. My hand hovers over the syringe and I look up at Hanji with a raised brow, waiting on the explanation. "I need to make sure it hasn't been compressed at all, otherwise who knows what could happen if you remove it?!" and despite the fact I think Hanji was aiming for a concerned tone, it had come out as wonder. She would love to know what else could happen, it's clear as day in the way those glasses flash. Levi growls next to me.

"Glasses would you stop dancing around and take the damn syringe out?!" he had lost his patience about ten minutes prior to this, and right now I'm just staying quiet except for my previous want to just tug the damn thing out. It was sore! I can tell my input isn't helping though; it's only riling up the excitable in the room, and stretching the patience of the grumpy ones. Or grumpy one.

The amount of panic and nonsense that had followed my little stables incident was a just slightly over-the-top considering everything else that had been going on. Keza cried. I mean really? I sit there and watch them all argue it out within Erwin's office. The little assassin cadet was now safely locked away thankfully, but on they go at each other like rabid dogs.

Erwin is arguing that we need to lock down the entire compound in order to keep this all contained, I happen to agree but I think he assumed I was going to argue. I was silenced immediately. Levi is arguing someone needs to take this syringe out of me before something happens either thanks to the weird looking serum, or his lacking patience. To this I pointed out that he wasn't going to help _anyone_ by kicking off, least of all me. I think that might have bought us some extra restraint time from my Captain. But not much. Hanji is arguing some serum might have already gone in and it might just be safer to see what it does before we retract the syringe at all. And Eren? Well quite frankly he has managed to freak me out the most, he has demanded Hanji do blood tests to ensure I hadn't been turned into a Titan, or something worse. And that was what got my throat feeling all dry and itchy. Or something worse. Frankly I'd like that comment clarified by the kid, what the hell was worse than a Titan?

Other than a Robyn Titan with rage issues and a tendency to fall over without so much grace as a drunken turtle.

Yeah maybe that was what he meant.

But right now I need clarification and some peace, their voices just keep rising and rising. The panic growing as the air seems to fill with their scattered senses and overtly protective intentions. It was touching once I got over the fact their yelling was starting to give me the bastard of all headaches.

"Shut up already!" I yell, slamming my hand down on the desk Levi had sat me on in order to avoid me moving around too much. I didn't understand the logic, but I knew the worried look he was giving me. So I was behaving myself; which is why I was getting so fed up of everyone else flying off the handle. If I had to cool it? So did they.

The room goes quiet.

I raise a brow at them and point at the thing still wobbling about in my arm. I won't lie; it bloody hurts and I know a needle going into the muscle is going to ache badly over the next few days.

"Okay look, Erwin why are you arguing anything, you're in charge, just order them to do it and they'll do it. Hanji, I would surely feel _something_ if it had ended up with anything being put in my system, and you are terrible at hiding your need to experiment on people! Eren, the hell do you mean worse than a Titan? Oh and Keza, woman the hell up?!"

"What about me?" Levi raises a brow, slowly letting go of Hanji's collar. I shrug.

"I can't really fault what you said other than your stupid notion of flying off the hande." I reply, and he raises his brows and nods, shrugging and wiping off his hands as though Hanji were covered in grime. I then look at the syringe and sigh.

"Fuck it." I grit my teeth and just tug it out. They all flinch. I roll my arm a little and then put the damn syringe on the table. It rolls about, tinkling as it goes, but gradually stills and we all watch it for a second. "Oh good, I didn't explode. Right then, Hanji why don't you take your new toy and do some tests? Without injecting yourself or anyone else?" I add with a shake of my head as her glasses light up all over again.

"A compromise, but one I can live with! I'll be back as soon as I know anything!" and in a puff of messy hair and excitable jabbering she's gone. I'm amazed there's not fire following her path. Erwin sighs and straightens himself up, smoothing his hair back and looking a bit meek about the fact he had allowed himself to get so worked up.

"You feel all right, Sanshi?"

"Other than a dead arm and a cracking headache? I'm fine." I shrug again and he frowns at the usual response I gave, and whilst I understand his concern I can't help the irked feeling. I was allowed to be just 'fine' sometimes. "Look I'm a little concerned about the fact they wanted me to have that weird shot of whatever."

"You're allowed to be afraid, Sanshi." He says with a small nod, but I just refute it with a shake of my head. His frown deepens.

"I'm not afraid, it's more that I don't see the point."

"They're fanatics. Sometimes that's the only point they need." He says a little darkly, walking over and sitting behind his desk. I jump off it and shake my head again, too many eyes watching me for my liking, but as no one else felt like talking sense I decided to pick up the mantle.

Whoa… that is a sorry state of affairs if _I'm_ the voice of reason.

Dark days indeed.

"What I mean is… I saw them trying to turn Levi into a Titan as a logical thing, because he's already considered Humanities Strongest, so who knows what would happen if they successfully turned him into a shifter? If they had control of that? We'd be fucked in every possible way."

It was so clear to me; it was something that had played over in my nightmares repeatedly ever since I had remembered that moment. His hands gripping the earth for dear life, those eyes glowing a pale silver and his expression so full of pain and fear. Then those words. 'Kill me'. Those words echo round like a haunting laugh and then I hear that great crash, feel the rush of hot air and then the low breathing. Over and over I see him revealed in all his terrifying glory. Levi as a Titan was something I genuinely feared; because I knew how much he would fear it also. Unless he was able to control it? The idea alone probably turned his veins to ice. Within his composed self, there was a world of rage and pain, loss and hatred; to expose him like an open nerve in the form of a Titan? It was a foolish risk that no one should have ever dared to take. But take it they had, the only saving grace being that it seemed to have failed thanks to his unique bloodline. Small mercies.

"A cheery outlook…" mutters the Commander, clasping his hands under his chin, those blue eyes reflecting the same fears I felt.

"You know it's true, Erwin. But why the hell target me?"

"Maybe they chose you as the next target for experimentation because they'll know for sure now that I'd be unenthusiastic about killing you. They built their entire initial attack on our connection, it seems totally possible that they would continue down that path till it was an exhausted route." suggests Levi in an oddly calm tone, and a cold silence takes over the room. But I just shake my head again, it seeming the only thing I could do. His eyes tighten at my denial.

"I don't think so Levi, after all, you know how to cut a person free without killing them… you wouldn't necessarily have to kill me in order to stop me. Then there's your loyalty to Erwin. They would have to take that into account. If he gave you a direct order, they wouldn't know for certain if you'd disobey or not." I sort of regret pointing this out as an odd look is exchanged between the two men. "But beyond that… I mean I know I have a fairly legendary temper but really? And that Cadet mentioned my last name like it was relevant. 'Sanshi scum' she said. Which just makes me even more confused." I groan and Levi slides an arm round my waist, hand rubbing small circles against my hip to calm me. I smile a little and am glad of the support, despite the weird look that flashes over Eren's face before he catches my eye and looks fixedly at the Commander.

"Perhaps it really does something to do with your father…" suggests Erwin, glancing at Keza who I now realise was in fact crying due to an inane amount of laughter. That was more like it. That was my Keza.

I smirk at her but of course it melts away as I consider this might be something to do with that cruel bastard. That was where this had all kicked off, where this series of events had originated way back when, all that time ago when I saw him and attacked without thinking. Before that? I was just another cadet with a big wrack and bigger mouth. But that should have been where his hold over my life ended, that should have been buried along with his sorry sack of a corpse.

I frown.

"Where did you bury him anyway?" I tilt my head, realising I had never had reason to wonder until now. After his death I had been so focused on my kept promises and what to do with myself without them, I hadn't considered his eventual resting place. Levi and Erwin glance at each other and shrug.

"You can't remember where you buried a prisoner who died from a cadet ripping their jugular out?" I laugh at their forgetfulness and Erwin just shrugs again, sitting back in his chair as Keza heads over and kind of perches on the arm. They really did suit each other in the oddest way, I'm starting to wonder why I never noticed the gaping blank space by his side without her.

"He probably went into the mass graveyard, Robyn. For those bodies unclaimed or those without family. South of the compound, you know where right?" Erwin nods in the right direction and I slowly nod.

I knew the spot, and had understandably always given it a wide birth as it was where I expected to end up. Until now of course. I suppose it was likely now that I'd be buried with Levi. Then again would I? I glance his way and then look down at the hand that rests so comfortably on my hip, calming me and being there for me. But I wasn't his family, or his wife or anything, there was nothing official between us. So actually I was probably still destined to end up there; where the fog never quite lifts, even on the sunniest day. My stomach clenches at the idea I might end up buried next to my father in the end, and I quickly decide to move onto another subject.

This shit was getting pretty deep.

"Can I um… can I go talk to my little Cadet friend?" I need to distract myself with work, and right now I know they won't let me go and do training or patrol. Right now I'm under scrutiny, and the worst kind of all. The scrutiny of loved one's worry.

"Not alone." Levi and Eren rerort in unison, glancing at each other angrily afterwards. I just walk away with a roll of my eyes when Erwin had given me the nod. I can hear them both heading after me and I just sigh, they meant well but really it was a tad patronising.

"You two _do_ realise she's in a cell? Behind bars? And in all likelihood shackled? And the only person to have removed said bars before, is myself, and I don't plan on springing her out. I can talk to her alone perfectly safely… no need for a babysitter right now."

"But what if she—" I turn on my heel and glare at Eren, his mouth slowly closing under my gaze. He was sweet, but thankfully not daft enough to challenge my impatience.

"What if she _what_? Pulls a dart blowpipe out her ass and fires a dart between my eyes?"

They both just stare.

"I have no idea what the little prick thinks she was doing, but you're not coming with me. Either of you. If you're there Levi, she'll be too scared to talk. As well as the fact I can't imagine someone who potentially tried to turn me into a shifter will be all too calm having a shifter there with me. So Eren's out too." I look at them both and they know they can't argue, well, they could try. But they knew they wouldn't win. "I can talk to a prisoner on my own. Any trouble and I'll call for help, there'll be a guard in place."

"Hang on…" says Levi, squinting at me. "What do you mean _potentially_ tried to turn you? What else would it be?" he frowns a little more than usual and I just smile at him, probably in a slightly patronising manner, but if he was going to serve it, he could eat it too.

"Well… judging from the fact those who tried to turn you were more than happy for you to kill me during their experiment? It seems like a fairly logical thing to assume they might just want me out of the way."

They both grimace.

"Or alternatively, someone in their team has something against the Sanshi line, which is entirely possible as my father was a vile man with a lot of enemies." I shrug and they both look at each other, probably realising that they knew very little about what my father had been like before Murdergate. They were very sweet, but very thick at times. I shrug again before they can start spouting condolences and other nonsense. "Yes he was a bastard _before_ he did all the murdering too. What a world…" I wink and turn to head for the cells, I can feel them watching me but I don't turn round again. That would only make them think they had a chance of convincing me.

"We'll need to discuss all that if it turns out that it _is_ to do with your Father though, brat!" calls Levi, and I just give a small wave of confirmation without turning. My eyes are warm and I don't want them seeing that. Was it seriously to do with my father? Was my past still clinging on like a stench? How many windows did I have to open and jump out of before it wafted away?

I didn't really know how it could or would be linked to my father, after all he hadn't been anything important in the grand scheme of things. Sure he had had a lot of money, and that was the only reason he hadn't been executed for his crimes. But beyond that? He had been nothing as far as I was aware. Then I slow my steps and look out a nearby window, seeing the graveyard in question and shivering. During my childhood I had only known two things about Vincent Sanshi; he was a bastard, and that I should fear him. Perhaps there was more to him than being a drunken brute with golden coloured eyes.

But how much more?

* * *

By the time I get to the cells I've calmed myself down, and there's not a single tear in my eye. If this was my past having another go at the present? I was even more capable now of telling it where to go. I was stronger than I was when I saw him in the mess-hall that day, I had been through a lot since that day, and learned how to steel myself against the rage I inherited from him. I could tackle it like I tackled titans, like a machine. I also had a lot more people around to back me up; back then I had been a loner with a couple acquaintances, now? I had a legion behind me of loyal friends, and fierce allies. I could depend on them, like they depended on me. That was something my father had never had, and if these bastards trying to come into our lives were anything like him? We would destroy them.

The guard looks at me with a little surprise, but we'd danced this dance a few times now. He just nods and steps aside, allowing me to descend into the cells, the gloom swallowing me up as I hear my boots tap against the stone. It was so murky I ended up taking lantern off the wall to guide my way; I can hear pacing and the occasional mutter, but other than that nothing. As far as I'm aware she's alone down here, so she's also talking to herself. To be fair though, I wouldn't have expected her to be 'all there' considering how she had randomly attacked me with a loaded syringe. What had she thought was going to happen if I had turned into a Titan right there and then? She'd have either been roasted alive by the steam, or crushed against something by the momentum of the transformation. Either she was an idiot, or she was willing to die for the cause. I hoped for the former; people willing to die for their cause were a lot harder to persuade into talking. And considering how much I'd been tortured recently, I knew I wouldn't be able to stomach a session of it.

"The hell do you want Sanshi?" spits a venomous little voice which I quite frankly don't even recognise, clearly she had been putting on a softer voice the entire time she had been in the regiment. She sounded like an old crone now.

I don't look at her yet, and I set the lantern down. It clunks against the table and for a second I just watch the oiled flame dance about, it occasionally flickering and spitting in the damp air. I would take my time with this, and let her sweat under the gaze of the person she tried to kill, or turn into a Titan. Then again, the latter would have likely lead to the former. I knew Levi _could_ remove a person from a nape without killing them, but I also knew he'd been sent in to kill multiple people as Titans. He hadn't described how they looked though. I had already taken into account the possibility of it being another trigger; that he would see a Titan in my design and fly off the handle all over again. I hadn't said it earlier partly because I doubted my sanity when thinking it, and partly because I didn't want to give him that worry if he hadn't reached that conclusion.

But I'm sure I'm being daft, that was after all a very safe bet to take.

I sit down and cross one leg over the other, brushing off a speck of dust and adjusting my chest strap. She's breathing a little harder, and muttering again, but generally she stays quiet. But I feel her gaze, strong and angry as it bores into me from behind those bars. I finally look up and tuck my hair back behind my ear, meeting her gaze without a flinch. I remain composed despite the urge I have to smack that little head off the wall till the face turned to pulp. What kind of noise would it make? Would it squelch loudly, or kind of bubble as the pressure was released. Or alternatively would it just be a series of cracks as her skull imploded?

"You come here to talk, or to stare at me like a moron?" she snarls again, and I just sit back to slowly raise a brow at her. She growls and paces a little more, muttering again under her breath. Little loopy, that was for sure.

"I'm asking the questions."

"Says who?!"

"Simple fact is little girl, you're the prisoner and I'm not. So pipe down and only speak to answer what I ask. Got it?" I clasp my hands together and watch the fury burn in those beady eyes. She really was a kid, still wet behind the ears as her emotions fly all over the place. I suppose I was like that at some point, and in many ways might still be with those I trusted. But in front of an enemy? I was a little disappointed to be honest; she really had no idea what she was doing. Her lip curls, and her button nose wrinkles.

"Or what? Huh? You'll send your filthy Jaeger boy in here to devour me? Or will it be Ackerman sent in here like the dog he is to do your dirty work?" the crackle in her voice continues to grate on my nerves, but I just shake my head at her idiotic speech and lean forward to rest my elbows on my knees.

"I assure you, little girl, I'm more than willing to get my hands dirty when it comes to dealing with a snivelling little coward like you. It's easy to call men names when they're not here, I wonder how bold you'd be if Humanity's Strongest and Humanity's Hope were here to have heard all that…?" I tilt my head and I see those eyes dart to the side, as though expecting both men to suddenly walk out and seek revenge for her foolish mouth.

They don't and they won't, but it was amusing to see the fear there.

"Must feel pretty good to have those two wrapped round your fingers."

"I have neither wrapped round anywhere."

"Yeah sure…"

"They're their own people as am I. Just because I'm good friends with one, and in a relationship with the other makes no one anyone else's pet. Judge people by your own standards in your own head you cretin." I say, perfectly calm but gradually lowering into a whisper. A shudder runs over her, and some of that mousy brown hair falls from her braid. "So come on, let's cut the bullshit. What's in the syringe?"

"Why don't you use it and find out?" She challenges, and despite the fact I'd happily wring her scrawny neck right now, I have to give her credit, she had some balls. She was under arrest, had the whole Scout Regiment after her, and yet she was still giving me this sass? That took a decent amount of gal.

Unless there were a lot more of them in the regiment than I thought?

That idea makes my blood feel a little cold, but it was also something I could discuss with the rest of them later. Perhaps I would even be able to get that out of her. I meet her gaze and look her over. She was as average looking as I thought: Mousey Brown hair in pigtails, ill-fitting uniform, about an inch taller than me with watery brown eyes. She was beige in every manner of the word, and really I guess that was the point. She was unremarkable in all things to avoid being picked up on at all. Thinking back I can remember her as being decent on the field, but not exceptional. Okay at cleaning, and fairly good at theory, but again, in every single area she remained in the middle ground and refused to be any lower or higher than average. Perhaps that was what we should look for when considering who else would be on their team.

I take my small notebook out my pocket and take note of that.

She watches me write and I wonder what her little mind is thinking about. She bites her lip and shifts her weight, and I have the feeling her balls might be a little easier to break than I thought. Size of raisins rather than the bowling balls she liked to think they were.

To be fair, down here in the dank and cold of a cell, it was an entirely different situation to the stables. If you were willing to die in an instant, with little pain involved for your cause, okay, you were dedicated to the point of forfeiting your life. But that didn't make her impervious to the idea of pain. As I'd already thought, I wouldn't be able to do any of the _persuasion_ myself, the very idea makes my stomach churn and old scars ache. But Hanji would. I reckon Erwin would if he believed his regiment was on the line too. Heck, Levi might even enjoy it, if she was in league with those white caped bastards, then for sure she would be accountable for everything that had happened. It makes my hands shake with the need for blood, but then I have the paradox of feeling sickened by it.

I had a lot of rage.

I had a lot of pain.

Unfortunately they were cancelling each other out for the time being. Then again, it might not be permanent. Just maybe not available for this little girls resolve, or the testing of it. Of course there was more than one way to get fear going, and I was pretty good with my words. She was already fidgety. How good would it be if I could go back up those stairs and lay it all out for them? Really put myself back on form for my comrades and superiors. No longer a victim, but once again a force to be reckoned with.

"Hanji will know in a couple hours, so it's not vital that you answer the question… but then again… oh I'm feeling generous. Come on and tell me, be a good sport, what's in the syringe?"

"If the whacko is gonna have an answer soon, then why ask?" she attempts looking smug, but with the fidgets and inability to raise her brow properly she looks more like she might need a shit. Or a rather rambunctious fart.

"Because I want to know what you _think_ it is." I purr, smirking a little as I plant the seed. Her eyes narrow and her teeth are bared at me, rage bubbling on the surface once again.

"The hell does that mean?!" she demands with a shrill lilt to her voice, I just shake my head at her and pout with false pity. This only riles her more, much to my amusement.

"Let's face it love, you're a low level little pawn for them. You're not meant to survive this either way, so frankly they probably told you some odd shite. I'm just a little curious as to what that shite might be." I say with a small shrug, and gradually the denial turns to curiosity, and then quickly back to denial as her temper flares again.

"They trust me. They told me the truth." She snaps, but I can see the way those eyes are wavering. She was just a kid. I wonder if I was this easily lead when I was that age, but she has to be at least sixteen, so I reckon I was already a jaded little bitch by this point. Poor kid hadn't a chance.

"They trust you to die for them, like a good little pawn. That's all."

"My father wouldn't forsake me like that!" she shrieks, and the false pity flickers to a genuine one for a moment. I'd never had faith in my father like she had just shown in hers, I wonder what it felt like. Would it hurt more to have trusted and then find him to be a bastard? Probably. Wow, this was not a good day for her.

"A father can lie just as well as anyone else." I clarify, and the rage burns brighter.

"No! Not my father, he loves me and trusts me as though I were one of his men! God dammit I'm his daughter, he would never even _think_ to fors—"

"Oi! Just because you shot out of his balls, doesn't mean he wouldn't throw you in the trash with any more hesitation than he would the latest wank rag." I shout, patience snapping like a rubber band. I didn't want to let her rattle me, I didn't really want to be so blunt; but soon my regret is calmed by the fact it was clearly the right nerve to strike.

She's bawling her eyes out.

I knew I'd feel pretty crap later about all this, but when my arm gives a small ache I just shake my head, this kid was far from innocent. She had plenty to pay for, and I was happy to collect the bill if it got answers. Not to mention that this could all be another act.

Her lips tremble, and I remain quiet as I see them begin to brim with information.

Come on kid, spill it.

"Th-they told me it was designed t-to kill you and then turn you into a mindless Titan." She stutters and I shiver.

If that was true it was definitely a variation on what they had done to Levi. He had certainly remained alive whilst inside the Titan, thankfully. But if she was right, then the method would have managed to kill two birds with one stone: cause havoc at Scouting Legion HQ and then have Levi attempt to save me and find me dead. Therefore probably flooring the Captain as well. Maybe… okay, definitely. I don't like putting too much importance on myself, but at this point I kind of had to admit that I was important to Levi. To do otherwise would just be moronic.

"Why create something they can't control?" I challenge and she shrugs, her chains rattling coldly. Her head dips, and as the quiet ticks by unbroken I think she's refusing to answer. But then she jolts and her head snaps up, expression once again defiant.

"I don't ask questions to my superiors, I know how to obey!"

"Then you're a damn fool. Were you working for them from the beginning or—"

"I won't tell you anything!" she screams, and I hear the door up the stairs creak open. Presumably the guard was checking whether or not it had been me. I just sigh and sit back again before standing and pacing towards the bars.

"You already told me what the serum was supposedly meant to do. Once they find that out, it won't matter what else you spilled or didn't. You're already dead to them." I watch it trickle through that small mind, and her eyes somehow manage to get wider, tears forming and slowly spilling down.

"So you've murdered me." She breathes, and at first it stings, that I can't deny under those big innocent looking eyes. But then I just shake my head and smirk at her, again the eyes widen and I start to wonder if they'll eventually fall out.

"Like you tried to do with me, I just happen to be better at it. Remember? I'm a Sanshi?" I lean against the bars and she sinks to her knees. "So if you won't tell me why they want an untethered rage monster dawdling about… then can you tell me why there's a sudden interest in my name?"

Silence.

"Come on, kid. The hell does that name have to do with anything?"

"Your father was a noble." She says with another shrug and I just snort at her, the beady eyes flick up to me with question. I stare her down, wondering how easily led this little girl was. "Why're you laughing? That's what he was, never mind the crimes he may have committed for the greater good."

I bite down on my tongue a little too hard.

That did _not_ just come out of her mouth.

I'm suddenly _very_ interested in what it would sound like if I tried the head smashing thing.

Keep it together Sanshi…

"Look… My father never did anything that wasn't for his own gain; be it bad, good, brilliant or awful in terms of morals. And yeah, _technically_ he might have been a noble, but he bought that with his blood money."

"Nobleman is a nobleman. Doesn't matter how he got it." She shakes her head in derision and again I hold myself back. This little shit really didn't care if I beat the crap out of her. Not that I will. But she doesn't know that. I count to ten and rein in the temper, it wasn't going to help anyone.

"All right, fine, consider him a nobleman if you like. What does it matter anyway?" I ask, and wait as she seems to weigh up her options. Does she talk and maybe get killed in a kinder manner? Or wait for one of the organisations people to come in and probably do away with her in an awful way. I decide to try and interrupt that thinking. "What's your name again?"

"Sarah." She spits. And I nod, not recollecting it at all, she'd done her job well at being forgettable. Why the heck had I thought Janice? I disregard that logic for the time being.

"All right, Sarah… why does my father being a nobleman matter about me being selected for this weird experiment? I'm asking nicely here, I can ask the Captain to come down here and ask very unnicely if you prefer? Or even the Commander, he hasn't stretched his interrogation legs in a while…"

"Erwin Smith will burn with the rest of you—" she clamps a hand over her mouth and I grin, so it's to take down Erwin. It was fairly clear that was going to be the case anyway, but it was nice to have a small slice of confirmation. Wow, she was a little shit at her job wasn't she?

"Okay so it's to take down the Commander. An answer I didn't ask for… no fair. Can I have the one I want? Is this something to do with a bloodline?" I tilt my head and her eyes narrow in confirmation, and I can't help the laughter that bubbles to my lips at the idea of the Sanshi line being considered anything but a shite cesspool.

"I'll say nothing." She growls. I shake my head at her foolishness.

"So what was the plan? Inject me, get the hell out, watch the show and then report back on what had happened?"

"What?" she looks up at me like I'm mad. I tilt my head and watch the cogs go round slowly in her head until finally she just swallows hard. "N-No of course not. They would know already that I've failed."

"How?" I slide down and meet her eye on level. She swallows again and glances around, but we're alone down here, in a small hole in the ground. My chest feels a little tight. "How many of you are there in these walls?" I breathe and she looks up, bottom lip wobbling.

"Too many." And then she lunges at the bars and rattles them, I fall back as she bares her teeth and screams to high heaven. "They would have honoured me! Given me my chance at being part of the salvaged! But no, you had to go and fuck it up! _Damn you to hell Sanshi, you fucking bitch._ "

She just keeps screaming and I sit there staring at her. It's like a bomb went off on her restraint and it's all gone to high heaven. I attempt to get her to shut up but it's no use, on and on she goes. The guard appears with rifle in hand, I say nothing, but I grab the gun and slam the butt of it into her head and finally silence wins over.

"Fucking nuts… there's finally someone more nuts on this compound than me…"

"Took a while…" murmurs the guard and I decide to allow him that joke without a punch.

* * *

 **Hey hey so there we go, more fun in the Sanshi world!**

 **Hope it was worth the wait, and thank you to everyone who is reading, reviewing and following. You're all brilliant.**

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	34. Superstitious

**Hello hello hello, here we go again, hope you're all well, and I'm glad that people are still reading this.**

 **More shenanigans with our girl Robyn! Just curious, how many of you have tried my other fics? I have to admit myself I only occasionally check out an authors other stuff, but I can assure you that all my stories are AOT based.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

* * *

"So you decided to turn her into a raving lunatic… helpful Robyn… really fucking helpful." Grumbles Captain Optimism in the corner, his head in his hands as we finish explaining what happened. Apparently my original explanation of 'the bitch just kinda flipped,' wasn't satisfactory. To Levi or Erwin. I'm not sure why even now, but as they seemed fixated on getting all the tiny details on the matter, I called the guard into the office. And bless his wee soul, he stepped up and explained all I had already told him. Apparently his name is Shaun. I had not seen that coming, he looked more like a Paul to me.

"So you're suggesting the woman who tried to turn me into a Titan Shifter was sound of mind _before_ I went to talk to her in that cell?" I raise a brow and tilt my head at him, and I love the way that almost non-existent blush appears on his cheeks. Yeah, I got you.

"No. Obviously not, brat, but come on this hardly helps the situation. What did she meanby saying 'too many' of them are here?" he's asking me but I know he doesn't really expect me to produce an answer right out of nowhere. This situation was tricky and I knew he hated feeling this powerless. Give him three Titans to down and he's good, give him an abstract concept to wrestle with and he's a pacing stress ball. I rock back on my heels and blow out my cheeks, he looks to me again. "How fucking many does that mean?"

"Well…" I murmur, and he gives me a warning look. I grin. "Loads above 'too few' and a smidge above 'the right amount'?"

I dodge the parchment thrown at my head.

"Brat, I swear to god… you need to start taking this seriously." He mutters with a set jaw and oh-so-scary look in his eyes.

"Sorry Levi…" I wipe the grin off my face, but can't deny the way my lips wobble as I fight the urge to at least smirk. It wasn't that I didn't respect Levi anymore, far from that, I respected him probably 10x more than I ever had. What I had these days was a new perspective on things like threats, or what to fret over and what not to. And right now I can't quite bring myself to do so.

"Why're you still looking so calm?" he asks with a disbelieving look, and I shrug a little. His eyes widen again before returning to their normal state, suddenly suspicious. "Are you withholding information again, brat?"

"No! God dammit I've told you everything, and even if I hadn't, Shaun would have."

"Then why do you look closer to laughing than worrying?" he mutters between his teeth, folding his arms in a slightly tantrum looking manner. Erwin is staying quiet for the time being, probably knowing all too well by now that there wasn't much point in trying to get in between us.

"You really want _me_ flipping out?" I scoff, but then I see the way that pink rises in his cheeks. It's faint, and barely there, but I knew how to read that face, and I knew he was fighting one hell of a blush. And then I realise what it was, and I stop my simpering. The man was annoyed that I, the walking talking emotional instability sponsor to the world, was in fact handling this new crisis with more composure than he was. As much as I hate the way he's berating me, and being a bit of a bitch about all this? Even I can't deny that that is fairly adorable.

Dammit he's not meant to be cute.

He's Captain Levi Ackerman, Humanities Strongest and a known thug of the Underground. He's infamous and strong, cunning and ruthless, supposedly cold-hearted and dedicated to the point of ridiculous.

"Just explain how you're this calm and I'll get over it." He grumbles, flicking some dust from his coat and pouting just a little bit.

D'aww but look at him!

Focus Robyn…. Focus.

"Because the very idea of my bloodlines being considered _anything_ even close to nobility is fucking hilarious."

"I'm not laughing."

"Surprisingly enough Levi, I had noticed that. But it's not just that, it the fact that if me being nobility is what that organisation thinks? Then they're either loopy or plain stupid." I conclude, but then I see actual anger enter his eyes and I stand a little straighter.

"This isn't something you should be laughing about."

"And what good would freaking out do me?" I demand, and he bares his teeth for a second.

"It would at least show you're on alert, that you're ready to defend yourself!"

"Against what? More cadets with pin cushion fetishes?!"

"God dammit Robyn!" he shouts, and my mouth snaps shut instantly. "Keep in mind whilst you're pretending to be okay with all this, that these are also the assholes who beat you to within an inch of death!"

"And they're also the ones who messed with your head so much that they nearly convinced you to kill me." I growl and he flinches back in a way that makes me bite down on my tongue hard, it was harsh, but I needed him to know why I wasn't fretting. "Look… Levi I… All I mean is… they've already done so much to us, so this hair-brained scheme just seems so damned stupid I have to assume it's a break-off faction."

"Since when were you assuming that?" he shakes his head, "When did you feel like sharing that slice of deduction? Woman, you are seriously going to make me—"

"I came up with it about two seconds ago? When I said it?" I interject and he slowly deflates from having prepped up a rant. "I only started thinking along these lines after little miss screech started wailing her nonsense at us through the bars. It might not be, but we can't assume it actually is… the original… organisation." I meet Erwin's eye and raise a brow at him, the man had been staring into the middle distance for this entire conversation, and frankly it was getting a bit creepy. I wasn't entirely sure he had even blinked yet. Not to mention the fact that where I was standing made his line of sight smack right into my tits. "Commander?"

"Hm?" he shakes his head and re-enters the room as I give a small wave. "Apologies. Has Hanji come back with anything on the syringe?"

I look at Levi, and Levi looks at me.

Nope, neither of us knew where that had come from.

"Um… no, not that I know of Erwin. How long were you gone from the room, sir?" I drum my fingers on my arm and he clears his throat, sitting back and smoothing his hair back as well. I'm starting to wonder if he was taking a fucking nap now. Levi is shaking his head at his old friend, and I'm also wondering if I need to have a word with Keza about keeping the Commander up at nights. The man needed to sleep. Then again, I'm not entirely sure he'd be glad of that kind of intervention, so for now I'll keep my mouth shut.

"I was just considering if we should be so quick to dismiss the idea of your bloodline being important." He muses and I look to Levi again, but he looks just as confused as me. We both approach Erwin's desk and stand there, patiently waiting. "Well… Robyn how much contact did you ever have with your extended family?"

"Not much as far as I can recall… but my memory is hazy considering how long I put into my efforts to forget those days." I start fiddling with my hair, a little embarrassed to be so useless when it came to a subject so close to what had once been my home. Erwin nods, eyes still only half in the room as his calculating mind whirs away.

"Is it _possible_ you have ties to the higher ranks?"

"Not really." I shrug, and he frowns deeply, presumably not liking his interesting theory being so quickly shut down. But I didn't want to toy with the man, I'm sure the theory was fascinating but it made no sense.

"How can you be that sure, Robyn?" he asks, no anger in his voice but a genuine curiosity. Sometimes the way Erwin's eyes light up in fascination puts the question in my mind what is the priority here. Getting to the answer, or all the intrigue along the way. Then again, considering how many eggs, vegetables and stones he got thrown at him whenever we passed through town, the man enjoying any aspect of his job was probably a godsend.

"Because why on earth would they have allowed me to go running around uncontrolled all this time? Are you seriously suggesting that if I'm part of some elite bloodline that they wouldn't have intervened by now? I call bullshit on this whole thing Erwin, no offense intended to you."

"And so you think you were targeted because…" his eyes drift to Levi, and I think I heard the way my Captain's jaw snapped tighter together.

He hated the idea that I had been targeted for anything thanks to our connection. It didn't bother me all that much, I was always being targeted over something ; be it my sparkling personality, brilliant inability to avoid rubbing people the wrong way, or simply being in the wrong fucking place at the wrong damned time. I had a way with the world, constantly dive-bombing into it's path when it came to the question of who's life to mess with today.

"I think they tried to turn me because they knew about my anger issues, as well as my high standing with key people in this regiment. That's all there is to it, no need for a conspiracy theory on top of that." I sigh and then I glance to the door. "I have other duties to be dealing with sirs, may I be excused?"

"Mm…" nods Erwin, and frankly by this point I'll take that as a dismissal. I nod at Levi and then head out of the office, leaving the two cunning strategists to work it out.

I knew who I was, and I wasn't some secret Heir to the throne. That made no sense, and even with the seed of suggestion thunked into my brain, it didn't take, and no fruit would be borne. Bugger that for a bunch of barley. I was the daughter of a psychotic scumbag bastard who had done nothing but scheme and scramble his way through life. That was it, end of story.

"Robyn?" I pause, and glance back at Levi as he approaches me. I'd expected him to still be chatting with Erwin for a long time, so I assume he's here to tell me off about something. But then I realise how nervous he seems, the way his eyes keep shifting and that slight worry mark on his lip. That makes me turn properly. My eyes flicker to the office door that remains ajar, but from here I can't tell if it's a trick of the light, or if Erwin really is stood there watching like a creepy Uncle.

"What is it Levi? I have other duties to deal with beyond this mystery thriller we're currently starring in." I start tying my hair up, having learned my lesson a long time ago about forgetting to do so when on stable duty. Sometimes I wonder if I should just cut it all off, go all short or something. But then I realise he still hasn't responded, and I can see the dilemma in his eyes. Okay, this was getting a little more dramatic the longer this silence went on.

"I don't want to upset you, brat."

"Making me wait with bated breath is hardly the way to go about that, Levi." I smirk and touch his hand for a moment, not lingering as I know he's still weird about people knowing. Although I'm not sure who the hell doesn't by this point. He stills seems uneager to answer though. I just laugh gently and shake my head at him. "Levi come on, just spit it out and then I can get back to—"

"What if they don't care about your doings because…" he sighs and grits his teeth, I frown and glance at the door again, watching it slowly close. I then see Levi's eyes lingering on my stomach and I feel heat rise to my face.

"Oh."

"Robyn, you know I don't care, you know I—"

"You think they don't give a shit because my cupboards bare… because of my fun with the nuns… so their lack of interference might mean nothing… oh." absentmindedly my hand goes to rest over the scar and I nod, not really looking at anything at all for a second. He stays quiet, but I know he's trying to think of something to fix this, or to make it right. Problem is that it was well beyond that, and it wasn't something that had ever really bothered me. It didn't even really get to me now, it was just a little weird to think of an entire area of a family ignoring me simply because I cannot bear children. Then again they were royals, if I was part of that mess, perhaps it was better that I had never known such information. I walk over to the side of the corridor and glance out.

"Is there any way to test this out? Or to find out for sure?" I ask, eyes locked on the glass, and the warped world beyond. He comes over next to me, not touching, but definitely leaning in. He had a good heart, I would never be able to fault that.

"Erwin's going to contact some friends he still has in the higher ranks, see what they can dig up about all this."

"All right, seems like a decent place to start. Guess we can't ask my father… don't think he'd be feeling very talkative after so long six feet under." I smirk and shake my head, knowing the humour wouldn't do much to dent his worrying.

"We just have to be patient... Are you all right?" he rests a hand on my arm and I nod, looking out and spotting a group of cadets helping each other clean their gear. It's starting to rain, it hisses against the stonework and I can hear the half-hearted squeals of the girls as they dash inside to protect their hair. Little dears have no idea that the boys are rather more preoccupied with the way her shirts turned see-through from the rain. How long was it since I'd been that naïve?

"I suppose it won't be long before we're heading out on another mission." I don't know why it occurred to me, but if this was us setting in for a few days of rain, it would be good timing to get it out of the way now before a mission. The rain never ended well beyond the walls.

"Robyn?" his hand squeezes slightly.

"I'm fine Levi, I just want my family to stay where they're meant to, in the past in unmarked graves or in caskets made for two." I frown and blink away the warm feeling in my eyes. I look at him, and clearly see the reserved concern there. He knows not to baby me, but I can see he wants to help. Together right? We're meant to be doing it together. "Though if we do find out I have some kind of extensive family that could have swooped in at any time and stopped it? Stopped my father, or stopped me from being on the streets…"

"You'll give them hell?" he finishes with a hint of pride. I meet his eyes and we share a gaze filled with determination and a heat known only to us. We would take them all down wouldn't we? Me and him, bound and fighting, wings aflame as we put the bastards in their place. My heart picks up at the idea of such a thing, and I won't deny it makes me feel better. The world was cruel, and it always would be in all likeliness, but at least I had someone to be by my side now. To take it on.

I nod and look back out the window as the rain gets harder.

"You bet. And I certainly won't fucking guarantee that I won't hunt them all down and make them pay." I murmur dangerously. I wonder if the Captain side to him will intervene at any point, but he just nods. He touches my cheek gently, pushing my hair back as it starts to already slip from the tie.

"We've paid enough dues over the years Robyn, it's time we got some given in return." He winks and then heads back for Erwin's office.

I watch the office door close behind him, the low pitch voices soon burbling away again. I wonder if Erwin will be pleased, or more worried than before. Now he had me _and_ his Captain to worry about when it came to people flying off into a murderous rage. I drum my fingers against the window sill, in all honesty I think Erwin might approve, as long as we're targeting the right people.

I head for the stables and find Jean already there, at least I would have some company whilst shovelling shit. It was the simple things in life I guess.

"Lucky us huh?" he chuckles as he sees me walk in with less than a handful of enthusiasm.

For everything that had happened, all the trials we had come through together as a group, and regiment as a whole, it was humbling to think that we still had to shovel shit at the end of the day. There was no room for feeling high and mighty around here, not unless you really were a delusional moron.

I nod to him and smile, Jean was a good guy, always had been really. I was glad to know he had basically remained the same since my time absent, both physically and then emotionally. But he was the same, still simpering and still that charming level of cheeky. He hands me a mask and spade, the wonderful tools to our toil. I accept both with probably too wide a grin to be considered normal, but I was happy to be distracted by this tangible mound of faecal matter, instead of the metaphorical one that was gradually being flung at me from years in the past.

My father really was a difficult stain to remove.

The work is hard, but gratifying. In about an hour we manage to scoop it all away, clean down the stalls and refill them with fresh hay that has thankfully remained dry from the now torrential rain. There's little talk, but really you don't want to be opening your mouth any more than absolutely necessary, it was the kind of smell you could feel coating your tongue.

"I love these things but my god do they stink…" Jean mutters as we start wheeling the muck towards the outhouse where it was kept it in order to aid the crop growing efforts. We empty the barrows and then start back towards HQ. Some windows are lit by lanterns now, and the chimneys are starting to smoke with tonight's dinner efforts as well. I grin and pick up the pace as the rain continues to patter atop our cape hoods.

Who gave a damn what my family had ties to or not, they'd never paid me heed, so why I should I pay them any?

This had seriously helped clear my head despite the way it had blocked up my nose.

"Hey Robyn… you all right?" Jean's voice burbles through the gentle thrum of the rain, cautious as ever, "You've seemed quiet today… I heard there was some ruckus earlier?"

"Quiet? Have I? Sorry Jean… I'm fine really, just thinking about family stuff." I reply with the smile still in place as we finally get inside and start brushing off the rain as best we can. There's a lot of noise in here, and I can't help but feel sorry for those making the racket once Levi heard it. He'd shut them up pretty damn quick. He was like a librarian on steroids sometimes, though he had never liked me pointing that aspect of his personality out.

"I guess everyone gets like that in the circumstances," laughs Jean as he undoes his cape and flicks it out, basically totally dousing himself in the raindrops anyway. I nod slowly, glancing around and noticing a lot more civilian clothing than uniform, but it was still soldiers. Why was everyone dressed casually? Well no, it wasn't even that, it was nice Civvies. They were dressed down, but dressed up as well, it made no sense. I look to Jean with a raised brow.

"Circumstances?"

"Yeah, with the wedding and all." He smirks and folds the cape over his arm. I blink and look around as though expecting there to be a large sign translating that response. There wasn't of course, the universe never liked to explain itself too fully, and so I look back at him with just as much confusion as I had started with.

"Circumstances?" I repeat, and he guffaws at me.

"You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?"

"Well I know what a wedding _is_ , but nothing about one being held here." I shrug again and look around once more, the finery making more sense now, but the situation still bewildered me. I bite my lip and glance back at Jean who is just grinning at me, I think he liked seeing me put on the back foot. "I thought that was against the rules?"

"Oh, really? Pot calling the kettle black much?" he laughs, prodding my shoulder. "I think since your little 'thing' with the Captain became general public rumour, and Keza came along and swung her way into the chambers of our esteemed leader… that rule has kinda lessened. Not officially of course but… as an unwritten thing you know?"

"Oh I see… fair enough I guess." I simper, liking the idea that Erwin had cooled off on such restrictions. Those rules had never done much to avoid the inevitable anyway; not only were a lot of the cadets still teenagers, but we were also in a tense situation 85% of the time, and the rest of the time we were facing our demise directly. No wonder hormones went a bit nuts now and then.

"Well I think the Commander has decided he cares less about that sort of thing. It's still frowned upon, but… well considering everything that's been going on… they asked and he gave permission." Jean looks really happy about this, and I wonder if it's because he knows the couple concerned really well, or if it's because he now has hopes of achieving that with Mikasa one day. Had he even asked her out yet? I guess now probably wasn't the right time to ask him, he'd get all nervous and trip over his cape or something. But perhaps it was at least giving him hope of some semblance of a normal life. I reckon that was why he had been aiming for the MP's originally, he was a simple guy after all, and I imagine he still wanted a family life if he could. Seemed the type.

"Huh…" it's all I can really think to say as more and more cadets turn up looking so carefree in their nice civvies. They cluster in groups of twos and fours, the couples appearing out of the woodwork apparently. I wonder how long I've been living under this rock, and then I remember, oh yeah for six whole months. But it was gratifying to know that nobody was taking advantage, I hadn't noticed any canoodling or anything around the compound, so clearly no one was taking the piss with this new leniency of Erwins. That was brilliant. That was the Scouts down to a tee.

But who the heck was actually getting married?

"Oh well… good to know. Um… who is it that's actually tying the knot?"

"Not sure you even know them to be honest, Daniel Sworben and Jane Sparcer?"

"Never even heard of them…" I murmur, eyes scanning and waiting for recognition, but really there were a lot of faces I didn't really know anymore. There had been decent recruitment figures recently clearly. I then remember Sarah down in that cell and I feel my throat itch with a panicked yelp as I consider all the faces I didn't know could be potential enemies. Then I just grit my teeth and stomp that paranoia straight out of existence; that was what the bastards wanted to happen. They wanted panic and paranoia, for the regiment to tear itself up from the inside out. I wouldn't let that happen, and certainly not by my own hand.

Jean is also looking round, but with a peaceful mind as that smile plays along his lips.

"They're a good couple, really work well together."

"Jean… are either of them particularly mediocre?" I ask quietly, and he looks about as confused as I was a few minutes ago. "Like… do either of them have any spectacularly good or bad points?"

"Um… Well Dan's brilliant on the gear, and Jane is fantastic for Titan spotting. They both usually sit on the eastern wing of the formation. Why? What does that have to do with them getting married? Some kind of Shiganshina tradition I've never heard of?" he snorts, and I just give a shake my head and smile sweetly.

"Just making sure I don't have to say congratulations this week and then throw one or the other, or both into a stockade next week." I dip my head and make for my quarters, guessing I should clean up before the festivities began. Who wants a wedding guest smelling like a horses ass? I can feel him watching me, but I knew Jean would be clued in on all this when the timing was right.

For now he could just put that comment down to a Robyn weirdo moment.

After all, they happened often enough.

* * *

It was a lovely and simple ceremony, and of course Erwin saw through the proceedings with his usual elegance and prowess. In all honesty I barely heard the girl say 'I do' because she was having to contend with not only starting a major new part of her life, but also having Erwin look at her in an incredibly intimidating manner. Apparently he took marriage as seriously as everything else, his eyes boring into her as he asked the all-important question. Thankfully she did manage to answer without fainting or vomiting, but I'll bet it was a close call on both.

Once the ceremony was done a meal was had by all in the mess-hall, a little treat for everyone as the meat was actually fairly distinguishable as chicken instead of the usual mystery meat concoction. Not to mention we got wine as well. I have the strangest feeling this luxury was down to the persuasion talents of my good friend Keza, at least that was what I guessed from her ever-so-slightly smug looking expression when the food started appearing.

From the meal we moved to the night's entertainment and the tables were all moved to the sides of the mess-hall to make room for some dancing and general frivolity. I think the original plan had been to take things outside, but judging from the howling wind and persistent rain lashing the windows, we were definitely staying inside for this night's events. But it was still wonderful; lanterns were scattered all around, the clink of glasses interwoven with laughter and tapping of dancing feet. It was rather hypnotic actually.

I had a whirl round the floor with Keza, Eren, Connie and even managed to drag Levi up there for a slower number. I hadn't known we had musicians in the regiment, but apparently they'd managed to scrape a couple together, as well as find a record player - more than likely from the black market. I had just been dragged onto the floor by Hanji when I noticed Levi and Erwin looking rather serious as they sat and talked over a fresh bottle of wine, but I paid them no heed and clung to the scientist and she flung me around. I think she'd had a couple too many drinks already, but she looked so carefree I didn't care, well that was unless she broke my arm. I was starting to think she might. But for once she wasn't caked in ink or looking half dead with exhaustion. We all needed reprieve now and then, so whilst I was eager to know what had been confirmed or quashed about the serum in the syringe, I wasn't going to mention it tonight. Not here. Not in a place made for joy and celebration amongst comrades and friends.

But as with all things, I needed a fucking break.

I stumbled over to where Levi was now sat alone and plonked myself next to him. He sipped his drink and offered me mine along with a glass of water. I take both and gulp the water, but manage to only sip the wine. I could at least pretend to be a lady once in a while. I guess. I was busy watching the dancers when I felt his gaze fix on me, and I turned to him with a raised brow.

"You all right there, Levi? Itching for another dance?" I pant and flick my hair back out of my face.

Considering the last minute nature to my dressing up, I don't think I'd done too badly. I'd managed to find a dress to wear thanks to the oddly extensive wardrobe of Hanji's. Apparently she had been very active in her early years, trying to drum up funding for herself and the regiment. But that was before she had fully accepted the tight-fisted nature that ruled the higher ranks. It was simple, and a deep green, knee length and modest neckline too. I liked it a lot actually, and usually when it came to dresses I'd rather run the other way than wear the damn thing, but this one seemed all right. It also appeared to please the captain, his eyes kept glancing over it, and a smile pulled on his lips when they did.

"I was going to get some fresh air, care to join me, brat?" he says, standing and offering a hand. I take it, keeping my wine as he did, and we wander over to the main door that was slightly ajar to avoid us all boiling with our dancing and such.

We stood just inside the threshold, the cold breeze welcome against my legs and neck as I lean against the door with a sigh. The rain was still going, but the wind had thankfully died down, so all that could be heard in our small bubble was a hiss of rain and gentle warbling of the music within.

"Too stuffy in there for you old man?" I chuckle, smiling at him in a cheery doze as I feel the alcohol fuzz up my senses. It wasn't often we were permitted to indulge, so whenever we could I had to try and make the most of it. He nodded and smirked, eyes glancing from outside and then back to my dress again. "Don't get too used to this. Think of the scandal if I tried killing a Titan in a skirt, it'd end up wrapped round my ears." I laugh and he joins in, shifting his weight and scratching the back of his head.

"Yeah… maybe not the best plan you've ever had." He snorts and licks his lips. He's nervous. I tilt my head and nudge his foot with mine, effectively dragging his eyes back to my own as the silence grows between us.

"What's going on Levi, you're acting weirder than usual."

"Coming from you, brat? That is a little worrying." He murmurs with a frown, and I just roll my eyes. He sighs and glances inside, nodding a little that way too. My frown deepens but finally he spits it out. "Would you ever want that?" he watches the young couple, the new Mr and Mrs Sworben, twirl and dance, their happy faces a testament to their bond and alcohol intake.

My brows raise again as I watch him watch them, and when he looks my way, he ends up mirroring the look innocently. His head tilts, causing his dark hair to shift over his sharp eyes and frame the clear grey shades. Was that vague blush drink or genuine embarrassment?

I look back to the dancefloor and take a long sip of wine.

I had not expected that.

I really hadn't from him.

"Well as you've seen, Levi, I can't dance for shit, so really you'd be better off with Hanji in all honesty." I chuckle and he shakes his head at me, knowing full well I knew what he meant.

Would I ever want marriage?

No.

Would I ever want to marry him?

That was his question.

The song continues and I watch the firelight warp and flare, reflecting off the new couple and making them seem etched in gold. It would be a night to remember, a night of memories to refer back to when traipsing through the rain sodden plains, and knowing that crunching noise underfoot might not just be brittle twigs. Me marry though? I see the way that band on the girls finger shines, and her eyes too, looking up in awe of the man she could now call husband. It wouldn't be happily ever after; we all knew that, but for tonight no one would mention it. Either the couple would be torn apart by someone, perhaps even both, being killed in battle, or someone would cheat, or perhaps they would grow tired of being tied to one person who actually turned out to be a total ass when bound in such an official way.

Dammit Sanshi, you and your fairytale notions…

I sigh and lean back against the door.

"They look happy…" he murmurs, also taking a sip from his wine.

I look his way and smile gently; those strong hands, clean-cut jaw and piercing eyes, silken raven locks and body to die for. Not to mention the secret heart of gold under that cold determination and courage. He was a good man, and I loved him dearly; it seemed odd to me that I could so freely admit that to the world and myself these days. But that wasn't the problem here. The problem was I had already crossed a line in getting this close to him, any further and it would just be outright dangerous. For me, for him, for the regiment and perhaps even humanity. It felt a little overly dramatic to think on such a scale, but I couldn't help it. He was vital to a lot more people than just me.

He licks his lips again and clears his throat.

"If I asked, what would you do?" he says, still looking out at the dancefloor as he attempts to keep the conversation casual. But his poker face didn't really work on me these days; I see the way he holds the cup a little tighter, a slight tremour to his hand, I see that faint worry mark on his lip, that tightening to his eyes. He needs to know for some reason.

I go to stand beside him, nudging him gently and grinning as I also look out at the spinning couples. I can feel him watching me now, and I wonder what he sees. A lover? A woman he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with? Or just a duty he had to uphold because tradition dictated? We'd been together a while now, and had accomplished a lot together, so was this new step in his head simply a matter of going down a list of formailities?

It wouldn't really even matter if I asked, I knew I'd doubt the answer.

"If you asked me to marry you…?" I chuckle and drain my glass. "I'd tell you to try and keep your voice down."

"You plan on explaining that little slice of crypticness, brat?"

"Sorry." I kiss his cheek, and I hear him exhale properly again. Had he been holding his breath? "I only just got you back. I can't help but be a little afraid of what the world has in store next."

"What do you mean?" he asks gently, hand moving to rest on the small of my back, his thumb rubbing small circles into my spine. I lean into the touch and sigh contentedly, despite the topic I was still enjoying this night. That in itself told me I could speak openly. This wasn't some hot-headed idiot who would take offence, this was Levi, my captain, he had asked because he wanted to know. I look him in the eye, and I knew he meant it when he said we were to do all this together.

I love him.

God dammit I love him too much.

"I only just… I only just got you back properly, without any fears or hesitations. To you not having to worry about their triggers, or us both having a PTSD meltdown after we've fucked." I chuckle at the way he tenses at the word 'fucked'. I needed something though, something to keep this from feeling too real. My mad head could only take so much intensity at a time these days, and the way he was looking at me now? Well, it was hardly calm. "Right now, Levi, I don't fancy waving a big load of temptation at Fate if you don't mind." I smirk and whilst he looks confused, I think he gets it.

The firelight dances against his bright eyes, and I wonder how much he might actually want to ask me that pinnacle question. I for one had never really considered marriage a path I'd ever go down; partially from choice thanks to how my parent's marriage went, and partially because I never thought I'd meet someone deranged enough to ever actually consider me bride-worthy. But maybe he did?

"Didn't realise you were so superstitious." He says and he leans in closer, and right then I have no idea what the hell is going on in his head. He doesn't say anything more, but he's looking at me in such a way that I can't tell if its affection, or derision. The wind shifts and a cold breeze makes me shiver under that unforgiving gaze, his hand pulls me closer and I rest my head against his chest.

"Levi I'm probably the most superstitious person alive when it comes to bad luck concerning my happiness. Some call it paranoia, some call it superstitious… I call it both experience and getting a bit fed up of life feeling the need to remind me how powerless I can be." I look up at him with a sorry smile, which he returns. I then tap his empty glass with my fingernail, the note rings out and I tap again. "Fancy another drink?"

"I'd quite like a proper answer first." He says quietly. It feels like the dancefloor and everyone else just melted a million miles away, and now it's just us in this odd blip of time.

Where had this come from? Aside from the contextual setting, I had never thought of Levi as having wanted a proper relationship, and now he was talking about Marriage? What next? Him forgetting and then resenting the fact I can't have any buns in my oven? Okay no, I was probably getting ahead of myself there. He had only told me that morning that he didn't care about such things. Then again—

"Stop over analysing and answer me, brat." He sighs, a smirk pulling at his lips and I just gently touch his chin, to which he frowns.

"Well I did. You just haven't asked the question you want an answer for."

"Excuse me?" he chuckles under his breath, leaning into the touch as I trace his bottom lip, my eyes focusing on the skin as it pales under my fingertips pressure. I simper and carefully place a kiss there, it only lasts a moment, but I feel him jolt nonetheless.

"You asked what I would do if you asked, and I answered. But you didn't actually ask _the_ question." I clarify, and confusion enters his eyes. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do, but really he should know that because it's me, this isn't some weird female test.

"Do you want me to ask?" he swallows, searching for the answer in my eyes as though I am just toying with him. But I'm not. I'm really not.

"No. Not right now I don't." I answer and he blinks, I touch his cheek and avoid him looking away, that blush reappearing and I know he's the one over analysing now. "Levi… do you remember when we finally got round to admitting to the fact we loved each other? How we both said, oh-so poetically that we were in fact absolutely fucked?"

"I do…"

"Well then take that, and add Marriage on top of it. I'm not saying no to you, I'm saying no to tempting fate. Let's not push our luck okay? Not so soon after getting each other back." I put my forehead to his and breathe him in. "There's so much noise going on in my head right now… it wouldn't feel right doing anything so permanent. I won't do that to you."

"Robyn…" he mutters, and I open my eyes to stare into his. He's smiling though, broad and crinkling those silver orbs. Dammit he was intoxicating. "Thank you." He whispers and I find myself confused now. I touch my nose to his and laugh gently, feeling a little breathless.

"Thank you? Not many men would be saying that to a rejection."

"But you said so yourself…" he chuckles, biting his lip and doing his best to supress the smile back out of sight. Not that it works very well. "It's not a rejection, it's just you being an idiot." He shakes his head again and then kisses my lips softly, hand behind my head with fingers tangling in my hair. "It's kind of what I figured you'd say anyway. You just won me a tin of tea, brat. Thanks." He tucks my hair back and smirks, I frown and then glance inside, noticing Erwin looking our way as he walks off the dancefloor with Keza. As soon as he sees Levi's smug expression though he groans and grimaces.

"You bet I'd say no?" I summarise, and Levi shrugs, still smirking as he watches his moment of victory slip through the mind of Erwin Smith. Levi was a man of simple pleasures, and getting one over on Erwin was definitely something he enjoyed.

"I bet him you would have issues with the idea, and be nervous about it, and he bet you would surprise everyone and turn into… what is it you say… a dribbling idiot? Yeah, he bet you'd get all blubbering and say yes, _a thousand times yes._ " He laughs a little louder as he attempts an impression of a swooning maiden. A couple nearby cadets do a double-take and frankly I don't blame them, I'm doing one, if not two, myself. Levi was acting a right loon, and soon I was going to cut him off the wine.

"In what world would I ever have done _that_?" I mutter, shaking my head in disapproval at the now bashful looking Commander. Keza was of course laughing her head off, having got the story out of him herself.

"That's what I said, but really I think he was just hoping to find a squishy part of you." Levi moves his hand all the way round, encircling my waist with his arm and squeezing gently. "I guess he wants to make sure you're still human beneath everything that's happened."

"Hey now, no spoiling a happy moment with past pain garbage." I scold with a waggle of my finger, he just takes hold of my other hand after putting his glass down, and he raises it to his lips. I find myself holding my breath as he smiles, and then kisses the back of my hand.

"Never change, brat. Please never change."

"I'll… um… I'll do my best." I stammer, my own blush taking over now. He looks up at me, and I find myself unable to swallow.

"I love you Robyn, don't forget that either."

"I love you too… and that's your last glass of wine." I simper and tug on his hold to kiss him again, but not before I see him roll his eyes at me.

"Sure thing, brat, sure thing."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading everyone, and see you next time.**

 **I am staying at my sisters for just over a week, so I'm hoping to get some proper writing done. Which will hopefully get me back to being ahead of myself for these updates. So I was wondering what people thought; smaller updates every week, or these kind of sized updates every two weeks? I'm not promising a schedule will be managed to be kept up with, but I'd certainly like to attempt getting back into one, for you all and for me. Let me know your thoughts!**

 **Oh and I just wanted to say, I LOVE hearing from people throughout, i keep getting reviews for way back when at like Chapter 5 etc. and it really does just make my day. You guys really are brilliant to me.**

 **Also, I am still betaing for the lovely Farewellfromfaith, and her story Embers and Ashes. It's going really well, but frankly she should have more reads and reviews, so I highly suggest you treat yourself and check it out. Her OC Amya is really interesting, and a joy to Beta for, plus she's in the MP's, so it's a bit different! :D**

 **Shoutouts!**

 **Sebastian: Glad you liked it! I still get so nervous uploading these chapters, but you've been here like... the whole time, so if you're still enjoying then PHEW! So glad!**

 **Gracexxx: Aw dear, I remember Hell, it was a roomy place with too many people nonetheless. I'm glad you're still enjoying it, and glad you found it funny! I was aiming for that :P I couldn't help but make the guard a bit Sassy, after all he has turned up a few times so I wanted him to have some more personality. Shaun's a good chap.**

 **Danny: I realise you reviewed on Chapter 5, so lord knows when you'll make it to this point but thank you very much indeed for reading it! I would never be able to stomach writing a Mary Sue character, never ever, can't stand to read them, let alone write one.**


	35. Reactions

**Hello readers! Old, new, current, I'm so glad to have all of you still here with me at chapter 35... like... sheesh what the heck? I know 2 of those are me grovelling for foriveness, but still, I never thought this fic would go on this long. And I admit - I still don't know how it ends exactly. Though I will warn you, I have a vague concept. Muhahaha tease, tease, tease.**

 **Anyway on with the show, thanks for reading!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

 **Note: There are aspects from the Manga beyond the anime now appearing in this fic, so warning applied!**

* * *

There are reactions I expect, and reactions that I don't. I'll fully admit that I am not someone who can claim to never be surprised, because let's face it, I find myself absolutely floored by amazement if I get through a day without receiving some kind of injury or threat. Truth be told, I'm fairly taken off guard if a day goes by without some kind of shebacle; ranging from a fall down the stairs or gear mishap, to the more dramatic syringe stabbing or drugged up kidnapping. But when talking to Keza in the pale light soon after dawn, I am once again thrown into that area known as confused. Perhaps even bamboozled.

As a start to the day, it wasn't one of my best.

Then again, it wasn't one of my worst either.

"Robyn god dammit Sanshi, do you have a _single_ romantic bone in your scarred up little gnarled body?!" Keza scoffs and throws her hands up in the air, promptly bringing them down and smacking me on the back of the head for good measure. Thankfully I wasn't in the middle of eating or I'd be choking as well as letting my nibbled tongue hang from my mouth.

Ow.

"Wha? Ou ashed me an I anshered!"

"Put the tongue back inside the mouth before you speak you cretin." She huffs, and continues to braid her wayward hair, it doesn't look like she's slept in all honesty, but considering it was Keza that was never a new situation. I grumble and nurse my tongue for a few more moments before trying my coffee and cringing back as the heat attacks my newly forming bruise. God dammit.

"Look Keza, you asked and I answered!"

"Yes, but your answer was hardly what I wanted to hear. I mean come on Robyn, something juicy should have come from you and the Scowler being at the side of the _Wedding_ reception for a good twenty minutes, seemingly loved up. And all you give me is _that_?!" she shakes her head again and I just look up, praying to any kind of deity that might be perchance glancing my way at that moment, to provide some semblance of patience.

"Keza… I'm not here to fucking entertain you."

"And yet usually you're so dependable for that!" she grumbles, angrily stirring her coffee for the umpteenth time that morning. I smirk and shrug, she was a daft old brush.

"That's what we were talking about and that's how it went. Did I do something wrong? Bugger off no I didn't." I answer for myself when that damned mouth of hers swings open to argue that I had. Her eyes narrow and she shakes her head.

"Why the hell _don't_ you want to marry him?"

"I didn't say that…" I groan, slamming my head against the breakfast table, very glad we were currently alone for this interrogation. I could only imagine how awkward it would be with anyone else there. Levi would probably be pissed I'd even said he talked to me about it. I then frown and look up at her from my overly comfortable table top. "Why the heck is it _you_ judging me for this?"

"When am I not judging you?" she counters with a raise of her brow, but I match it and I watch a telltale blush appear on the apples of her cheeks.

"I have never seen you as the type to be gagging for a white dress, Keza."

"I'm gagging for nothing thank you very much!"

"Good to know Erwin has decent stamina." I laugh and dodge the next swipe for my skull, it seemed she was intent on giving me concussion at some point today. I then lay a hand on her arm. "But seriously Keza what the heck has gotten into you? Please don't tell me Erwin has actually gone and flung himself over that cliff-face?"

"Is it so awful to imagine him hitched to me?"

"The combined aging effects of his job, duty, and dealing with you every day? My god he'll look worse than Shadis in a week…" I snigger, but I see the way she pouts and I just shake my head. There wasn't a lot that actually got to my Keza, but apparently this was a new something that did. What the heck had the big blonde Commander done to my friend? "All right love, I'll lay off, sorry… but I really never saw you as the type."

"I'm not." She shrugs, and then she gnaws on her lip, eyes glancing towards the stairwell that the man in question would inevitably come striding down. "I just… I dunno… I guess I'm seeing things a little different since being around here with all these oddly honest and righteous people."

"We're not the bloody Wallists!" I snort and she just rolls her eyes, "All right, all right little miss grumpy pants, I get it, you're getting the legit bug."

"Yeah… that's one way to put it." She sighs with a frown, glancing at my hand again as though having expected it to have magically gained a ring in the past 30 seconds. I clench my hand and she looks up, blush reappearing.

"Keza, that doesn't mean _I_ have to go waving my arse in Fate's face though, that callous git has it out for me enough as it is. I was only stabbed what one, two days ago? I think I'm allowed to air on the side of caution!"

"Stabbed? A needle does not a stabbing make." Keza murmurs, waving for more coffee from the kitchen staff who seemed all too happy to help her out. It didn't bother Keza that they were convicts, in fact I think she recognised a few of them as old clients, I guess it helps to have friends with connections to extra stew and decent coffee.

"You know what I mean." I grumble as my own coffee cup is pointedly ignored.

"Yeah, yeah Numbnuts I do, I do." She sighs, and thanks the man kindly before he has once again scuttled away. The kitchen staff still gave me as wide a birth as they could, I don't think they'll ever get over me attacking my father on the floor in here, but I guess being infamous amongst a big bunch of convicts wasn't too bad. Good to know I still had it in me.

"I'm doing fine Keza."

"I just want you happy… and secure…" she frowns again, apparently not even understanding herself wholly anymore. I knew I sure as hell didn't. Secure? The hell was that supposed to mean? I had never known Keza to look much further than the upcoming Friday night, and now she wanted me settled down and hitched? For security reasons? It seemed she had caught the legit bug and gone down with the paranoid flu.

A few moments later we see Hanji, Levi and Erwin appear from the staircase, and it's clear that they've been going over mission plans from the drawn out expressions. Apparently Erwin was regretting not postponing that meeting. It had been suggested that the night after such a big party was not a great plan, but he was rather attached to his schedule, and so the suggestion was promptly ignored. Didn't look so clever now though. I wave back at Hanji when she spots us, and then nod to the two men who do the same to me and Keza. They needed coffee, and they needed it now. I chuckle into my own cup and Keza softly nudges me.

"He is still good to you right?" she asks quietly, and I look at her with a raised brow, poised to turn it into another joke between us daft birds. But then there's that look. And I know that look, and what it leads to. I sigh and set the cup down, looking back over to Levi who is currently trying to explain what a clean coffee cup looks like and then what the one in his hand was closer to. The man behind the counter looks like he's ready to drop a load right there. I chuckle again.

"He's very good to me, that isn't it Keza. That isn't why I said no."

"But there is a reason right?" she says and I purse my lips, I could see where her concern was coming from. I didn't understand her need for me to become a Mrs, but I could see why she needed to know why I didn't also feel that need.

"If it were a different world, or we lived different lives, I would consider it an option… I think he's the only man I would consider it an option with in all likelihood, but… but I don't want to lose him, or him lose me, and then we're both branded by it for the rest of our lives."

"Branded?" she repeats, and I look to her and see the way her eyes search mine for explanation. She really did mother me.

"Yes, branded. Widow or widower, it basically turns all your clothing and outlook to shadow and you can't really move on. Not in this life anyway." I take another sip and shrug as they head over, "I won't do that to me or him."

"You and your stubbornness Numbnuts…"

"I know Keza, I know." I smile and shift over to allow extra room when Levi comes to sit beside me, Hanji across from us, and Erwin next to her. He smiles at us all, eyes lingering a little longer on his Keza of course. I still don't get it, but I still won't question it either. I look at the light breakfast sitting in front of my Captain, and I know we're in for a bugger of a mission. He never eats well when big casualties are predicted.

"So… which is it? Long trip, or entirely new territory…? Or I guess a bit of both?" I add in as I see the dark expressions take over the three in charge. I sigh and nod, we were due a bugger of a mission, and I guess it had to be done. We still had to try and reach Maria after all, and so far our progress hadn't been great what with one thing or another.

"Well we've decided it's time to press on, if we don't then it won't be long before our enemies make another attempt on this regiment." Explains Erwin as he makes inroads into his clearly hangover themed breakfast. I nod slowly and glance at Levi who just shuffled ever-so-slightly closer to me. I sigh and look to Hanji who is nervously nibbling on toast.

"So what was it you found in the syringe?"

"A very potent version of what was in that pill we found inside Levi's mouth. Only this one is a lot more stable, and has a lot of the kinks taken out." She explains in a low voice, hoping to avoid anyone over-hearing and causing a panic. Or anyone who was already fully aware of what was in the syringe hearing either. I sit there and nod as she explains, and I meet her gaze as I swallow hard against the way my throat is feeling constricted.

"So um… if Sarah _had_ managed to depress the top… I'd have shifted? W-Would I have become a shifter for good or… or temporarily?" I lick my lips, unable to deny the way my heart had picked up at the idea. And I truly hate that it had. It made me feel like such a liar, like a fraud. I had never seen Eren as anything but the good man he is, a decent, hardworking and dedicated man who simply had this extraordinary gift. And yet now? Knowing how close I had been to becoming a Shifter as well? I feel fear dancing along my spine and clogging up my brain. Apparently it frightened me more than I wanted to let on, and I'm now feeling guilty over the fact I'd have to try and hide that when this information was shared with him and the others. I couldn't let him know it frightened me, he would think it meant I was frightened of him. And I wasn't. I never would be.

"That I cannot say without further testing. But I'm starting to really believe that Eren wasn't born with this ability, and judging from the fact his father was a doctor…"

"You think his father did it to him… right…" I nod and sincerely hope we never find out where Grisha Jaeger had been all this time. It would do no good. Eren had been through enough already in his young life, and he needed no more complications. "W-Why don't you think he was born with it, I mean... That's possible right? It's not like you can say it _can't_ be the case right?"

"No, no I'm not saying that at all," Hanji smiles, her eyes lighting a little with the theories bubbling around in her head. "For all I know the Colossal and Armoured, perhaps even Annie, are all natural born shifters. But of course, they also all look very different to Eren when in Titan form…" She bites her lip, explanation brimming there as she is desperate to go on. But Erwin has placed a hand on her shoulder in warning, his blue eyes scanning the mainly empty room with caution.

"Perhaps that is better gone into once we have the meeting with the elite Squads?" he suggests with a small squeeze to her shoulder, and the scientist nods, looking at him and then the rest of us with apology.

"All right… meeting in half an hour?" I suggest with a raise of my brow, not content on waiting any longer than necessary for that nugget of information. Erwin nods and continues with his breakfast, and I look to Hanji as an idea forms in my brain; and whilst that usually meant trouble, I think this time it might actually work out.

"What's going on in that head, Robyn?" asks the Scientist with a tilt of her head, and I hear Levi give a small snort of derision.

"Never a great question, Glasses—gah!" he grunts as my elbow cracks into one of his ribs. He continues to grumble into his toast as I turn back to Hanji with a small smile, a tittering Keza sat beside me.

"I just thought of a way of testing out that serum, or at least potentially finding out another way." I grin, and her glasses flash as she leans forward. "I assume you have spare syringes?"

* * *

As I said before: there are reactions I expect, and reactions that I don't.

And this was definitely one I had expected.

"No! Don't you dare fucking come anywhere near me you ginger bitch!" howls the composed woman inside the cell, those rabid eyes and flashing teeth a sure sign of her having reflected on her situation and decided on taking the high road approach. Kids really had a thick skin these days, I was genuinely worried I might not be able to crack that steel nerve of hers.

"Ginger?" I tilt my head and play with a strand of my blood red hair, "I mean… technically yeah but… really? That's the best you could come up with? Out of all my flaws and issues, you go with my hair colour? Honey that is some serious lack of imagination you've got going on in that head of yours." I sigh with a shake of my head, and she starts yelling some more, but in all honesty I've decided to ignore it.

But she does shut up when I reveal the syringe.

Or at least what she thinks is _the_ syringe.

All it is, is some stabilising solution with purple colouring in it, but to her, little miss poise, it might as well be a loaded gun trained between her eyes. The organisation wouldn't be all that pleased if she ended up injected herself; at least that's one reason she might be now looking close to wetting herself. Either that, or it really was a permanent version of the solution. But of course, that was what I wanted to find out. I walk towards the bars and twirl the syringe round my fingers, staring at her fixedly as I kneel down in front of her and slowly let a warped grin graze my lips.

Oh I love this in a small way.

I can't deny that.

"So then… do you think it's permanent or just temporary?" I whisper, making sure it just sounds like I'm toying with her, rather than blatantly asking. I hear Shaun's feet shuffle behind me, apparently he didn't like this side to me very much, or it unnerved him at least. But he's a good soldier, and so he just stands there and keeps quiet. I had suggested to Levi and the rest that this tactic would certainly work better if I went in alone, but that had been a little more than shut down. In fact I believe Levi's exact words were, 'Not a chance in a Titan's shit-stained fist you are!'

Sarah stares at the needle and swallows hard, and audible GULP sounding.

"Y-you mean y-you d-d-don't know?" she snorts, giving it a good go, but failing horribly at her attempt to sound off-hand. I pout and shrug a little, spinning the syringe again, earning a small gasp from the prisoner.

"Well I mean… the pill they gave to Levi to try and get me to shift… or perhaps to get him to shift, we never did figure that one out, it was very unstable and so it wasn't a permanent thing… this one though. Well we can't be sure until we test it…" I murmur, eyes slowly sliding back over to her as I raise a brow and grin a little broader.

Another gulp.

She opens and closes her mouth a few times, but there's no sound beyond the slight popping noise her lips make. "I think it's time you came out of the cell Sarah. Time to do one last bit of duty for the Scouts?"

"N-no!"

"Oh come on, it's gonna be temporary, we doubt they've managed to crack the formula properly. After all, it requires intelligence, and fanatics very rarely have that." I assure her with an encouraging nod, and really that just seems to make the panic worse. I don't think I'd make the best Nurse, I don't have the bedside manner for it.

"P—lease!" she squeals, and I'm tempted to shove an apple in her mouth if she keeps that kind of noise going. But this was working, so I wasn't about to let up now. I stand up and nod to Shaun, who returns it and starts heading for the cell door. Her chains jangle as she scrambles backwards, hitting the back wall and still squeaking as she does.

"What's wrong love?"

"Y-You're insane! Totally insane! You can't give that to me, don't you realise what you're doing you mad bitch?!" her eyes flash between me and the ever approaching Shaun, and I think his added height is a nice extra touch of intimidation. I lean against the bars and wave a hand in dismissal.

"Now, now, don't worry, Sarah! Levi can _probably_ manage to slice you out and then it'll be all over right? No harm done. Just a nice steaming for your complexion, bet it'll do you the world of good." I chirp, rocking back on my heels as the hinges of the door groan and he starts looking for the key to her chains. Sarah's eyes are so wide I'm starting to think I should have brought a plate or something to catch them on when they finally popped out for good.

"No! No it won't be!"

"Oh come on, everyone knows steam is good for the skin! Colossal had a charming complexion if I remember right." I tap my chin and make small murmuring noises, only interrupted by her ongoing attempts at create a cacophony of pig impressions.

"No I mean it won't be no harm done, please, my god you need to listen to me! It's permanent, it'll make me a shifter for good, you can't do this! You can't! They'll shun me, exile me, or kill me! _Please!_ " she screams, covering her face and shaking her head back and forth as the sobs continue.

The door clangs shut.

There's a few more moments of panting dribbling before finally the proverbial penny seems to clang into the ground, and she looks up at us between her clawing fingers.

I wave.

"W-what… w-why did you stop?"

"Well for one thing I _cannot_ deal with the noises you were making. And for another thing, we have all we need."

"Y-You… shit… n-no I… I—"

"Oh honey, _please._ It seems I vastly over-estimated your ability to hold out. I thought we'd have to stick you with the thing before you spilled, but nope. Apparently Shaun stepping a couple metres closer was scary enough." I say with a shrug, and Shaun gives an adorable blush. I playfully punch his shoulder and wink, Sarah meanwhile is looking around in disbelief.

"But you… son-of-a-bitch!"

"Come on Sarah. Why the heck would we want to turn you of all people into a shifter, talk about the most boring Titan Shifter ever created? What would we call you? The Beige Titan?" I chuckle and flip the syringe in my hand, waving again and making for the stairs. "Cheerio love, enjoy some more solitude. Not sure what Erwin has planned for you in all honesty. But I'll be sure to let you know as soon as I can be bothered."

Shaun is right behind me, and when we've escaped the dungeons again, locking it all away behind us, I turn and we share a triumphant grin. We really didn't make a bad team at all.

"Pleasure working with you Shaun, see you around!"

"Bye Robyn, thanks for keeping it light-hearted eh?" he chuckles with a roll of his eyes as he takes up his usual stance by the door. I head off for Erwin's office and find it already filled with all those concerned. I head inside and close the door, winding up next to Levi as usual, he touches my arm in greeting and I smile at him warmly.

"So then Robyn, were your antics successful?" asks Erwin, as usual not looking up from his various charts and maps. I look round the expectant faces and I nod.

"Obviously we can't be 100% sure it isn't just the organisation just misleading her again, but Sarah definitely thinks it's a permanent form of the solution. That syringe will permanently turn a person into a shifter." I say, voice gradually getting quieter as the stares bore into me, and then gradually slide back to Eren. He's frowning, eyes downcast to the floor as he reaches back into his memory in all likeliness. He flinches when Mikasa touches his arm and I see the way his eyes shine.

"Eren?" its Erwin who speaks, his eyes having been dragged away from work by the heavy silence following my announcement. Eren looks up, green eyes bright as he drags himself back into the room. What had he remembered? "Are you all right?"

"Y-Yes sir, sorry." He dips his head and stands straight. Erwin nods and then sits back in his chair, hands clasped under his chin.

"Well now that we have that slice of information gathered, I'll explain what the next mission's aims are. As well as the layout."

And by god it was a doozy.

I could see it now, a month's long planned expedition into the plains of Maria, using Eren's shifting as a means of setting up smaller posts along the route. Erwin wanted to build more stopping points to strengthen our expeditions. I don't know if it was ambitious, or just plain dangerous, but he was clearly determined. But why was he so all right with being away from Keza for so long? Surely he had obligations here now as well? But when I glance to my friend, I see her stood at the side, looking out the window, apparently totally on board with all this. And then I look to her hand and I think I'm starting to understand her want of security now. Sure, she had a place here with Erwin and us lot to vouch for her; but without us? How many cadets just saw her as a freeloader, as a 'whore' who had gotten lucky? Keza had never hidden her past, and never seen the need to apologise for it. But that had likely not gained her much sway with the others either.

What would happen to her if Erwin was killed on the field?

I look to Levi and I frown a little. I'd be devastated if Levi died, of course I would, I can barely even consider it without feeling my guts knot up. But I'd be all right. I had the army, I had my position and reputation. Didn't I? I look down at my hand, and consider my question over where I would be buried as well. Had my relationship with Levi actually hurt those assurances? Perhaps they had, perhaps I was seen as little more than his pet now.

Well… shit…

Then I notice the letters under the notes, they had official seals on them, and I realise this was only partially Erwin's independent drive. The higher ups were kicking up a stink, and they wanted results. I glance at Levi to get a read of his opinion, but I don't get very far, his stoic mask being front and centre at the moment.

As the explanation dies down, I look to Erwin and glance at Hanji pointedly. He nods and I look to the scientist.

"So Hanji, what were you saying about the other shifters earlier?" I ask and am glad to see the excitement return to her features, but I can't help but notice the way Eren once again seems to retreat into himself. I guess this syringe, and the threat it posed, had rather reminded him of how close he had come to being nothing more than an experiment. I hoped I'd get a chance to talk to him before the expedition.

"Well the other three, well… not the Swordy bugger, but the Colossal, Annie and Armoured, are all similar. They are skinless, and have their muscles etc. exposed. Whereas our Eren here, is fully skinned and has pointed ears. It's rather individual you see?" she says and gradually nodding takes over the room. Eren swallows hard and looks to Hanji, who looks a little less excited as she realises how upset the kid clearly was.

"So… y-you think they were born shifters and I wasn't?" he asks nervously, Mikasa still holding a hand to his arm and rubbing her thumb there soothingly. He licks his lips and looks around. "O-Or the other way around?"

"Well… I mean it's all only theories right now Eren, I can't say for sure. Do you remember anyone giving you a shot of something?" she asks and I tense at the way everyone turns to stare at him. He swallows again and looks up at me with those big green eyes, and I want to just grab his hand run the hell out of that room.

"I… uh… I mean… I uh… I don't…"

"Look the kid isn't gonna remember every detail, and let's face it, the years around Maria's fall he's gonna have blocked out anyway. No one wants to remember that shit. Especially if you're just a kid." Pipes up Levi, and even I do a double take. Levi was defending Eren? My Captain… was defending… Eren. I keep blinking, but it doesn't help it sink in.

"Thanks, sir." Says Eren, scratching the back of his head and shifting his feet. Levi nods at him, and sends rather harsh glares at anyone else looking his way with confusion. "Permission to leave Commander? I need to… well I need to be getting on with my other duties."

"Of course Eren, carry on." Erwin nods, knowing full well the kid just needed some air. When the door clicks shut again, Erwin sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I realise this is a delicate subject, but Mikasa… Armin, is it possible that Eren's father would have done this to him? Back when you were refugees, did his father see him at all?"

They both stare, and then blink, and then look at each other.

They don't know.

Really, how could they?

It was such a mess back then, so much toing and froing, no one really knew what was happening. Erwin sees their shame of not being able to help, and he offers a kind smile, shrugging as he knew it was a longshot anyway.

"So then… when do we leave?" I ask when the silence rolls round for a full minute.

Erwin's lips almost pull into a smile, glad to have his people so on board with his struggles. As a Commander I found Erwin rather difficult to read, even now. He always seems so sure of himself, and yet so clearly depends on all of us to hold himself up.

"Day after tomorrow, Sanshi. Ensure the cadets are ready to leave?"

I nod, and so does everyone else.

There was a lot riding on this mission, and I think we were all feeling the weight press down on us. I hold up the syringe and tilt my head.

"So then… what're we actually doing with the syringe? Other than keeping it away from any unsavoury characters."

"Keep it for study!" begs Hanji immediately, and Erwin just rolls his eyes.

"Pretty sure Sanshi just ruled you out Hanji…" he rumbles, but as she takes a big gulp of air to start arguing, he just holds up a hand and nods, apparently not having the energy to fight it. I look at the syringe in my grasp, and I feel an idea form in my mind. It's like when you watch frost climb up a window pain; it's beautiful, but not a good sign either. I like the plan, but it chills me to the bone that I can even consider doing it. Apparently my masochism was reaching new heights. But if this mission went how I expected it to? We'd need a back-up, and I knew what would be a good option.

Even if it did terrify me all the same.

Levi has headed to his office to get lists together, so I'm left to my own devices again.

And I know there's no time like the present.

"Hey Hanji?" I call to her as we all leave the office, she pauses and turns with a grin. "Want some help packing up for the expedition?"

"Sure thing, Robyn! Why so helpful?" she chuckles, waiting on me and then falling into stride. I feel the fake syringe in my pocket and grit my teeth for a second, I could do this. I could do it for the mission, for the regiment, for my family of comrades. I shrug and smile when she glances my way, and I find myself surprised that I still found it so easy to lie to her.

"Just fancied helping you, before getting thrown back into the rookies all over again. I'm becoming a weird mother hen or something." I laugh, and she joins in, soon nattering away to me about what had actually happened down in the cells. Her excited giggles only get more and more so as we approach the lab.

"So… where the hell should we start?" Hanji scratches her head and gnaws her lip. I blow out my cheeks and do the same.

"Well… we know this'll take forever, so why don't you get that awesome coffee of yours brewing before we get going? It can only help right?" I waggle my eyebrows, and she nods before marching off into the darkness of her lab. I wait by her desk, sitting upon which is the original serum. The one that would actually turn a person into a shifter. The reason I had come along to the lab, and the reason I couldn't quite catch my breath all of a sudden.

My hands shake but I make them work as her whistling starts to get louder again.

Now or never.

I put down the fake one, and grab up the original, replacing it in my pocket and feeling a tremour run along my spine. It might not even come to that, I might never have to consider using it. But I knew it would be an Ace in the hole if that Sword Toothed bastard decided to show up. Me suddenly turning into a Titan would certainly provide a distraction, and perhaps allow the Squads to get a hold of him. The cold of the syringe nips my hand, but I hold steady.

I could do this.

I would do this.

There are reactions I expect, and reactions that I don't.

I know the second anyone finds out I did this; I was toast.

* * *

 **Thank you so much for reading! So as you can prrrobably tell, I'm gearing up for another rather crazy story arc. I hope it was worth the wait and I hope you can take the time to leave a fav, follow and or review, they all make my day and I really do appreciate every single one!**

 **Shoutouts!**

 **Guest: to my 100th review, thanks for pointing it out, I didn't think I'd had that many! I'm glad you are still enjoying it after all this time, and thanks for sticking with me!**

 **Sebastian: I'm glad to know I didn't overdo the cute, I never wanted to, but I kinda felt like the situation called for a frank conversation. I always find Marriage such an odd idea in the AOT world, but its also a society expectation etc. so I felt it needed addressed. Apologies for the delays, I know, I'm terrible, but I will always keep updating. I promise.**

 **Heaven water sister: Glad you enjoyed!**

 **Thanks to everyone who is reading, you're all stars.**


	36. Old Toothy

**Hello! Didn't realise it had been a bloody month since I updated this, time is a weird thing for me right now clearly!**

 **Hope you're all good, and had a Happy Easter weekend :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

* * *

I wonder if Erwin is as sick of the Universe pissing on his parade as I am? Because I have to say, I have about as much patience left for it, as Connie has hair on his head. I walk along the branch looking out as much as I could into the torrent of rain lashing down around us. I see nothing but the dank earth, and a few far off clumps of trees having a good drink. I tug my cape tighter round me and sigh, which would I really prefer? This torrential ice cold piss from the heavens, or the scorching wrath from the sun. I didn't really know to be honest, I've been cold and wet for a day solid now, and I feel like there might be ice forming over my bones. I'd probably end up with the sniffles at this rate, and if there's one thing I hate more than the rain, it's the sniffles. I shift my hood and then yelp as the water drips down my shirt and gets all cold clammy in my chest. Great. This patrol was getting better and better. Truly, this was a night to mark for the ages.

"Stop moaning." I sigh to myself as I make another attempt to see anything much. It was already well into twilight though, darkness would be in full swing any minute so it wasn't wholly likely that we would have an attack this late; Titans got ever so sleepy at night, but of course… the rain helped them. I swallow and look around again, nerves ringing a little.

We have been out two weeks by this point and whilst we were weary, this was our second base of operations being put into place, so all in all morale was fairly high. It was astounding in all honesty; and we wouldn't have gotten anywhere without Eren and his refined abilities. It was great to see how far he had come, and a little humbling to consider how much this kid all on his own had accomplished whilst we still struggled to keep our gear functioning. He was my marvel, and I guessed he always would be. Thankfully we had only had three big encounters so far; one on the way out here that very nearly took out the supply wagons, the second which occurred as we started building the first base, and our third was two days ago as we headed here. Other than though it had only been the occasional encounter, and whilst we had our causalities to notch up, we also had a remarkable amount of our numbers remaining.

So far we had a good wall around the second base and we'd made decent efforts to get some huts into place too. At least before the rain got going. As those huge trunks were set into place by Eren I had to try not to laugh at the irony. We were all so desperate to live out beyond the walls, and yet we were still so wholly reliant on them out here to survive. I know it isn't the same thing, but it still makes me chuckle a little bit. When Eren piled the trunks on top of each other, high above his own reach as well thanks to some deft climbing, it was weird as everyone cheered for him. The Scouts were cheering for a wall being completed around them, being built by a Titan. A chuckle escapes me even now.

"What's so funny?" There's a soft footfall next to me before I hear wires retract, the rain must have covered up the initial firing I guess. It didn't bode well for me being on patrol if I hadn't even heard that. I shrug my shoulders and turn to Eren, going over and pulling his hood up as it had fallen down during his ascent.

"You shouldn't be moving yet, mister." I scold, tapping his nose. But he just laughs and pushes my hand away, his skin is still feverish, and he's pale. Despite his advances with the shifting ability, he wasn't invincible. His body could only take so much, and personally I didn't think he should have done any building today at all. He would never admit he was at breaking point until he actually broke; surely I wasn't the only one to know that by now? His big green eyes glance out to the horizon and he sighs, sounding very tired indeed.

"I know, I know, I just couldn't sit around any longer. I'm still resting, just not letting Mikasa turn me into a damned prisoner. Don't tell on me okay?" he pouts, and nudges me with a whimper. I roll my eyes and nod, I wouldn't grass him up, but I wasn't about to let him wear himself out either.

"At least sit down, and please tell me you at least told Armin or someone else you were heading somewhere? I don't want to suddenly hear the Ackerman war cry." I laugh, able to imagine the sheer panic of Mikasa without much effort at all. For such a fierce warrior, she was a total basket case when it came to her Eren. He joins in my laughter, and thankfully concedes to sitting at least.

"Yeah, yeah I told Armin when he brought me some dinner. He said he'd cover for me, and deal with the fallout, brave guy." He chuckles and leans against the trunk, one leg hanging down very casually. He didn't look too bad in all honesty, not really I guess. It was this afternoon that had got me a little shaken, he was incredibly pale and bruised all over. The pallid complexion remained, but the bruising had certainly receded. At least his healing was mainly keeping up with everything. I was being plain paranoid about it all, I knew Erwin and Levi were also keeping a close eye on his condition. Erwin would be doing it because he cared for his top asset, and Levi would be doing it because he'd know I'd give him a right bollucking if he didn't.

I give the outside world another once over before I sitting down by him and patting his knee. He smirks a little.

"I think he's glad to be out here instead of stuck with the crystal bitch for once. Glad to be out here with his friends."

"Quite probably." He nods and I tug on my hood as he glances my way. "It's good to see him more often, he became so closed off in that library whilst you and Levi were gone… I think he had decided it was all his responsibility or something." He shakes his head. "Guess he is our main form of information gathering. Dunno where we'd be without him."

"Reading." I point out, and he nods with a laugh.

It seemed so strange that we could be talking and acting this causal whilst out here in Titan territory, and yet at the same time I really did feel totally at ease. We had brilliant sightlines here, when the weather co-operated, and we had thoroughly checked the surrounding area out, swooping round in formation and removing any threats that lingered. I'd never seen Erwin happier than when it was deemed safe to start work on the second outpost, it was like looking at a whole new man compared to who had laid out the plans for the mission in his office. Perhaps these posts would allow him to relieve some pressure from the brass. They really did weigh down on him too much, but then again, I knew he would prefer that any day to any of us taking it on. We each had our vices.

"Seems like we're finally getting closer though doesn't it? We're finally getting nearer that goal of Maria… I have to admit I was starting to wonder if we ever would… if I'd ever see Shiganshina again." He sighs and when I glance his way, he looks old. Aged and worn down by set back after set back. I almost wish I had known him when he was just a kid living in Shiganshina, looking at those walls and dreaming of the big world beyond, not really understanding the lumbering obstacles drooling in his path. I bet the hope in those big green eyes was blinding.

"Hey now, you're the demented determined one right? Don't go fainting out on me now, you're the crazy bugger I look to when I feel doubts." I nudge him and he smiles again, nodding. "Mind your place Jaeger."

"Don't worry, it was a fleeting doubt at most." He looks down at his hands, frowning for a moment before he looks up and fixes his gaze on me. I blink back and tilt my head in question.

"What's wrong Eren? Do you need me to take you back down to—"

"Do you still think the Sword Toothed Titan will turn up?" his voice is barely above a whisper, and in all honesty I'm not sure I heard right through the hiss of the rain. But that look of worry and caution basically confirms what I had read upon his lips. I swallow hard and look out again, not wanting him to read in my gaze that I had something to hide. The syringe weighs heavily in my jacket pocket all of a sudden and I wonder if he somehow knows.

"I reckon it will yeah…" I reply calmly, almost managing to avoid a tremour to my voice. He sighs and shuffles closer to me, putting an arm round me and squeezing. This doesn't seem like a confrontation, but I'm not about to let my guard down yet.

"Just don't do any crazy shit this time?" he pleads and shakes me gently, mainly joking, but I can't help the way my jaw grits. If I saw that thing, there was no guarantee I wouldn't just flip out again. And I wasn't about to make false promises, not to my marvel.

He groans and I feel his head against my shoulder, for a second I wonder if he's feeling weak again, but the look he gives me when he raises his head? No. No he isn't weak, he's just running out of patience with me and my stubborn ways.

"Robyn please…"

"I won't lie to you, Eren. So don't ask me to try." I reply, looking away again as that begging expression makes me lose my own patience. I know he's looking out for me, but sod it I had done enough waiting around. His arm squeezes again.

"You won't do anyone any good by latching on and just hoping for the best! I mean last time you ended up in the middle of nowhere, you could have ended up completely stranded. You and Levi were lucky the last time, _very_ lucky." He says with yet another tightening of his arm, and I gnaw on my lip. Okay, the kid had a point, if it hadn't been for Levi managing to tackle me off and into that building I genuinely don't know where I would have ended up. But that didn't really help my determination, really it made it worse. I don't even understand my head sometimes.

"You know better than anyone Eren, logic doesn't always apply to those situations when you're actually in them."

"Yeah, yeah I know… but we have to try when those moments present themselves, Robyn. We have to at least try." He murmurs, leaning his head against my shoulder again. I watch the rain fall and let a couple seconds of silence slip by, knowing that I still wouldn't let that false pretense jump of my tongue.

"I can't promise you anything Eren. I can't guarantee a damn thing about my reactions… I mean… think about this way." I clear my throat. "If I had the chance to logically think over how I killed my father? I'd do it all differently, I'd make that shit last for days and demand he admit all he done wrong, and that he was sorry… my god I'd have enjoyed that far better. But logic doesn't apply in the moment." I snort a bit and shrug, unable to deny either that the sudden surge of rage hadn't felt amazing. All that power coursing through me as I lunged and tore at his greasy flesh, ripping out his blood and seeking a hot minute of revenge. Even now I have dreams about it and wake up with a grin on my lips, thankfully never having been caught doing so by Levi who would rightly be mortified by my explanation. I really had some creepy habits these days.

"Yeah I get it Robyn, but please at least try? We only just—"

"Got us back… yeah I know." I mumble, leaning away from his hold a little as the sentiment was once again shoved in my face. "That excuse won't last forever Eren."

" _Excuse_?" he repeats with wide eyes, shaking his head with open lips as he tries to figure out how to ladle on more sentimental manipulation. I just stare him down though, lips pursed and eyes cold.

"Eventually I'll be able to take risks again without that being a fall-back response. Out here, in this regiment? We're all at risk, and I'm no more precious than the other cadets here risking their lives. I just happen to have a weird hair colour." I smirk and shrug, feeling the squeeze again despite my leaning the other way.

He would never listen would he?

Would he ever forgive me for actually biting the bullet and using the serum?

I wonder what he'll actually think, or even what he'll do, if it does come to me taking that syringe. What will he say when he sees me take it out and push it into my skin, I can easily imagine the panic in his voice as I depress the plunger and release chance into my life once again. But if it came to it, I would gladly give it a try. This Toothy titan-shifter, be they naturally born shifter or made from a syringe, it didn't matter, they were clearly our enemy. And whether or not they were directly connected to the white caped people that had hurt me and Levi, was barely relevant to me either. It was there that it had all started to fall apart. There with that beast stood in the compound, swallowing Eren and making a break for it. They had to at least know something about the organisation brought in to harm us all, it can't be entirely coincidence that the beast turned up on the same night. If it was coincidence at all. I couldn't let that slide; someone had to bloody well pay for what had been done, and it was already overdue.

"Robyn? Are you even listening to me?" he shakes me and I blink, looking at him with innocent confusion as he rolls his eyes and puts his head in his hands. "Woman! Are you serious? You didn't hear a damn word I just said did you?"

"Something about me not valuing myself enough and not giving myself the proper time and space to deal with what had happened to me because I've been so focused on Levi, and how that is always going to end up clouding my judgement when I see that Titan and I should try instead to focus on my job as a soldier?" I surmise at break-neck speed and in all honesty I feel just a little bit smug about the way he blushes and slowly closes his mouth.

Nail head has been struck.

Badoink.

"You're a pain in the ass." He grumbles and I just laugh at him, he was well intentioned, but a fool nonetheless. "And that wasn't _exactly_ what I said either."

"Oh no? I wonder… was I far wrong?" I tease, nudging him again, he just grumbles to himself and then looks at me with an annoyingly serious looking face. "Eren don't…"

"Don't what?" he snaps, and I flinch back a little as anger lights his gaze suddenly. He shouldn't be getting this worked up so soon. He's already got sweat upon his brow, and there's bruising under his eye. Dammit.

"Eren calm down." I try to reach over to his shoulder, but he pushes my hand away. All manner of joking gone.

"Don't try to make you see reason? Don't persuade you that patience is a better option to needlessly throwing your life away? Don't what Robyn? Don't _what_?!"

"Oi brat! Calm the fuck down." Mutters Levi from behind us, and we both turn quickly, me then lunging for Eren as he sways and nearly falls off the damn branch. I struggle with him until Levi takes hold of Eren's collar and wrenches him back up and props him against the trunk. He looks back at me as he holds the exhausted man in place, his grey eyes suspicious. "What were you arguing about anyway?"

"Nothing much, he just got a little worked up is all." I shrug, but those eyes don't believe me. "Look he needs rest, proper rest. I'll get him back down there and into his bed." I offer, getting up and reaching for Eren. But Levi doesn't move, except to slowly shake his head at me.

"You're still on patrol, Sanshi. Stay put till I send your replacement up here." He nods curtly before effectively chucking Eren over his shoulder and heading back down into the compound where Mikasa and Armin appear to take him back into the tent. Mikasa's worrying can be heard even from where I stand.

Levi and I had already had the argument about the Toothy Titan a few times now, and that was just on this trip. Erwin had allowed us to share a tent as it made things simpler, and it meant he had someone he could trust around Levi in case his captain should run into trouble. It wasn't often Levi had nightmares anymore, but I was the only one who could wake him, or calm him if he did. He hated knowing the other soldiers could hear him out here, the tent hardly being soundproof, but I knew his pride wasn't beyond repair. He knew well enough that the rest of the soldiers had their own nightmares to deal with, and that was without their minds having been someone's plaything. No one thought less of him for it, of course they didn't. He was Humanity's Strongest; that wasn't measured by his peaceful nights.

Of course I had my own dreams that bothered me, but thankfully I had still managed to cling to the ability to stay silent. The scratching though, that seemed to be getting worse. Most mornings now I woke with long lines on my arm or stomach, now my right thigh too. It seemed to depend on the dream, but usually I managed to clean up before Levi woke or noticed. Not always, but usually. I had approached Hanji for some help, perhaps some healing salve or something, this being me assuming she had been tinkering with the serum. She blushed at first, feeling rather predictable in all likeliness, but of course she hadn't brought the prototypes with her. I would have to wait till we got back to base. It was tiresome, but at least she had agreed to help me out once we were back. She didn't look happy about it, but I guessed she had decided it was better than me having open wounds 9 days out of 10.

"Hey Robyn, you can head down for some kip if you want. Captain sent me up here to take over." Jean says with a kind smile, lantern in hand and flask under his arm. I nod to him and head down into the compound, the sudden abundance of light making me blink a bit blearily at first. It was amazing how dark it had become up in those branches without me even noticing.

I head for me and Levi's tent, not feeling particularly hungry anyway. I head inside and start taking off my gear, leaving it easily accessed of course in case of emergencies, but it was nice to finally free my hips from the damn blades. Even now, after all this time, it still wore a little harsh after a whole day. But out here, during the daylight hours, we had to keep our gear on at all times of course. We were confident in our defences, but not arrogantly so, we weren't the MP's after all.

"Hey there, brat." Comes the familiar voice that makes a smile run over my lips, I make to turn to him, but he just hugs me from behind and kisses the back of my head. "You gonna tell me what the argument was about now? Or after you've eaten?" he murmurs, nuzzling gently before walking round and gesturing to the tray of food he'd had brought in here presumably.

Always looking after me I guess.

I smile and shrug, heading over and picking up the tray to sit on the bed and eat. It creaks under me, a flimsy wooden frame, but it was pretty good for a mobile bed. As the trips went on we would fully furnish the outposts, meaning an impressive show for the brass, and a longterm stop-over point once we had Maria back in our grasp.

"There's nothing really to tell, Levi. Seriously." I add when he fails to look convinced as he starts undoing his straps. "Eren just got a little worked up over nothing, you know how he does that."

"Yes I do, however I also know he's been worried about how you'll react when next seeing the Toothy bastard."

God dammit.

"So, brat, I reckon it was something to do with that, and I want to know what. Now." He adds with a stern look that still managed to make me shiver a little, which was ridiculous on so many levels, but nevertheless, I shudder anyway. My jacket feels very heavy again, the pocket seeming to smoke as my conscience wanes under that look.

If I could barely imagine what Eren would do if I used the damn serum, so you could be sure as hell I didn't even want to consider what Levi would do. For all we knew this would be permanent, and would make me even more of a target for the MP's, and probably this unknown organisation after us. He'd go ballistic, and probably want to do me in himself from that point onwards. I swallow hard and look away from his gaze, focusing on my meal.

God fucking dammit.

We're meant to be doing this together, but I know if I tell him, he'll just demand to take the syringe off me. That'll be that. I can't let that happen, and risk losing a huge opportunity to finally floor that Toothy beast and get some answers. I can't.

"Robyn… I know it's hard, you know I do, but we can't put our own need for answers before the regiment's need for our attention. Right now the priority is setting up these new bases, and to keep the situation contained." He loosens his collar and sits beside me, his voice is calm but clearly being controlled right now. He wants to shout at me. I blow on my stew and slowly chew my mouthful, watching my spoon rather than meeting that penetrating gaze.

"I know all that… I really do, Levi."

"So why the hell did you bring that syringe?" he murmurs in my ear, hot breath wafting against my neck before I choke rather inelegantly. Holy hell he knew this whole time?! I look in his eyes and see a lot of anger, but can't really read what else is lingering there. I kind of panic, trying to breathe and speak at the same time, ending in some more choking and spluttering till I end up on the floor. I look at him with a lot of guilt. He took the tray from my flailing self, and just looks down with a raised brow, but set jaw. He was willing to listen apparently, but he certainly wasn't pleased about any of this.

"I…" I try to think of something.

"Just don't lie, Robyn." He says, setting the tray aside and then leaning on his knees with his elbows. Watching me, but no longer saying anything. I swallow but find my tongue barren of explanation, I hadn't expected to be found out, so hadn't considered that I might need one. His eyes never leave me, and I can tell he's trying to burrow into my mind himself to pull the answer out. To cut out the bullshit. My bullshit.

"I…" I lick my lips, but still no words form, I'm starting to wonder if I've turned mute until suddenly he grips my chin and makes me look at him. God dammit I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a gun. "I—"

"EVERYONE GEAR ON AND READY TO FIGHT, WE HAVE INCOMING!" Erwin's voice bellows from outside, somehow making it over the ongoing torrent out there. The alarm bells are suddenly ringing all around, and for a moment's moment we sit there staring at each other with wide eyes. Oh god. What now?

"MOVE IT. NORTH SIDE WE HAVE TWO TEN METRES INCOMING FAST, AND TO THE EAST WE HAVE AN ABNORMAL."

"Shit…" I breathe, and Levi suddenly lets go of my chin and gets his straps and gear back on. I do the same with my own gear and all we can hear outside is pandemonium as gear clunks by, and voices echo here and there, the mud squelches and less practised soldiers panic. We could deal with this, we were not without defence or preparation, but from the sound of Erwin's voice, there were more foes to be listed.

"You stay with us, Robyn, got it? No running off. No solo bullshit." Levi states in a growl, kissing me briefly before disappearing outside into the fray. I'm right behind him of course, and we head for Erwin who is throwing orders out as if they would burn his tongue if he hesitated for even a second. And then he sees us and pauses, swallows hard and then glances to the West side of the compound.

"It's him isn't it?" I say as I pull up my hood again, I don't need to say the Sword Toothed Titan's full title to our Commander. We all know who I mean. Erwin is nodding at me gravely before he looks to Levi with an almost angry look; I think I was right about him being sick of this piss session. His parade was starting to derail.

"The Sworded Titan is staying a good distance out for now, but it's just waiting there, and hoping for the best with these other attacks I think. Once again he has chosen an attack of convenience." He explains, and I see Armin rushing over and heading into Eren's tent.

I try and focus on Erwin, trying to not think about the sheer number of Titans we might be dealing with here, potentially from all sides and with minimal sightlines ourselves. But how had the Sworded Titan known? It's not like… oh god. I shiver down to my bones, remembering how Armin had told me the Female Titan had sounded a kind of war cry to call all manner of Titan to her during the 57th expedition. Had the Sworded Titan somehow figured out how to control other titans? I can barely breathe as the idea, no matter how ridiculous, passes through my head and makes me feel absolutely tiny. Powerless. I'm only distracted by the look of sheer panic on Armin's face when he re-emerges from the tent, his head whipping around as he seems to look for something. Or someone. My chest constricts as I realise Eren's already gone out to fight. In his condition he'll be dead within minutes of hitting the field.

"Sir, we have a problem." I pipe up suddenly, and both Erwin and my Captain look to me.

"Eren's gone out there alone, did anyone see him?" I call out before Armin can even reach us, his expression confused for a moment about how I had known, but he lets it go and looks around as well. No one has though. Of course not, that would have made the situation easier. I swallow hard and look to the walls, glancing towards the West and feeling my heart give another flinch.

He really never would listen would he?

"Robyn?" encourages Armin when he sees something light in my eyes. I nod to the Western ladder that leads up to the top of the wall where out patrols had been looking out. If he had gone anywhere logical, which fair enough was quite a stretch for Eren, he would have headed there.

"If Eren finds out where the Toothy bastard is lingering? He'll go after him for sure, he won't risk anyone else trying." I say with a small blush, knowing full well they all knew who he would be avoiding entering the battle like an idiot. I feel like a big red arrow is balancing on my head as it points to me. Erwin nods, having looked very anxious for a moment as he considered a missing Eren in this weather, and in his condition.

"Right then. Levi, you go with Sanshi, Artlet and Ackerman to see if you can get hold of Eren and get him back in here to safety. We can handle this without him, and he can't take another transformation right now. That is your priority. I have two teams dealing with the abnormal, and two more dealing with the other two coming in. Go." Erwin orders before turning and heading towards a more panicked looking group that were meant to be keeping an eye on the South.

It's a split second later when we're all running along, Armin having grabbed Mikasa from her panicked state inside the tent and caught her up on the situation. Levi is glancing at me as we run, and I wonder if he's tempted to just order me away from it all, or outright demand that I hand the syringe over then and there. But as he looks away each time, I think he knows more and more that it would be entirely pointless, that it might even tempt me to just fire my wires, get over the wall and use the damn thing straight away.

Did he really know me that well?

I see no sign of Eren as we clamber up onto the walls, and whilst I know what Erwin said, I can't see any sign of old Swordy either. There's no shape beyond the rain, or lingering in the shadows. Had he given up? Or had a patrol simply let their imagination get the better of them? But we can't focus on that for long as a ten metre lumbers into view, as well as an eight and twelve. Whatever had enticed them here had done a damned good job. They were slower than usual at least, but the rain had clearly done its job in keeping them going that little bit longer, their glazed eyes looking up at us and their jaws hanging open. To them this must look like a damned buffet.

"Eren?!" I call out, and Mikasa does the same, our voices not seeming to carry very far as the storm rages on. Armin is getting a good read of the situation from up here at least, and I can see a plan ticking away behind those bright blue eyes. I just hope he gets time to finish it and share before this all goes out of control. Suddenly Levi swears and we look over to him, standing by some crates with a grimace on his face. A boot sticks out from behind the crate, and I think we found our Shifter.

"Brats, he's over here!" he yells, lazily gesturing at us and stepping back with a look of disdain as he shakes his head. He turns and waves towards the compound with a blade, presumably signalling Erwin that we had found Eren.

We run over, and whilst Armin and I stay back out of shock, Mikasa barrels right in there to tend to the idiot. He sits there leaning against the wall, panting, pale as death and sweating buckets. Vomit runs down his top and he can barely keep his watery eyes open anymore, the bruising beneath them a deep purple. Presumably the adrenaline had got him up here before giving out and taking him down with it.

"Disgusting." Mutters Levi, stepping further back before heading along the wall a bit to keep an eye on our lumbering friends. His blades are still drawn, and they seem to be thirsty as his gaze travels over each hungry beast in turn.

They weren't making any progress, just pawing at the structure like they always did at the real walls. But of course we don't know for sure that ours will hold, and if they kept gathering up, then we might soon be overwhelmed eventually. Apparently Levi had the same idea, glancing towards me as he fires a grapple into the wall before turning away to swoop down into the darkness. Like a bullet zips down and back up again, flicking the steaming gore from his blade before eyeing up his next target. The rain doesn't seem to slow him down even slightly.

"Don't go showing off too much, Captain. Leave some for the rest of us." I call over to him as Mikasa tries to get something intelligible out of Eren. Levi glances my way and smirks for a moment before nodding towards Eren, expression returned to stony.

"Get that idiot back to his tent before he goes ahead and gets somebody killed, or himself terminally ill. We have work to do, it's going to be one hell of a long night." He then rolls his shoulders and heads down for his second attack. I look to the trio and watch Eren come back to his senses slightly, looking round confusedly as the cold rain patters against his face. What the hell had he even been thinking he could accomplish in such a weakened state, other than being Titan fodder.

"That's it Eren, come back to us." Soothes Mikasa, pushing his hair back from his fevered forehead. He looks at her with a dazed smile, before his eyes refocus on me and he looks like he might vomit again. I tug on my hood.

"You can't go out there." He blurts out at me, jaw slack with his delirium. I shake my head at him and leave it to Mikasa and Armin to deal with, I was never good at acting the nurse and when he looks up at me like that, it hardly helps my ability. He was an idiot and right now I wanted to slap him, hug him, and fucking shower him. The rain seemed to be doing a decent job of that though. "The Sword Toothed Titan will kill you, Robyn."

I turn to yell at him, to demand some sense from the drooling face leering back at me, perhaps even slap him, but I don't get the chance. Our eyes meet, but that's it, the world suddenly slows down and all I can hear above the hissing rain is thundering footsteps, and then my own racing heartbeat as instinct tells me I'm about to get royally fucked over. I wonder if the universe is ever going to get sick of pissing on me. I don't even have a damned parade. I look round, and as Levi appears back on the wall, rain falling from him like spread wings, he yells over to us as he bolts out of the way of something.

"BRACE!" He yells, reaching to tug me along before there's this weird popping noise.

His hand slips from my arm, unable to grip the soaked cape as splintering wood flies everywhere, and the wall seems to fall away from our feet as if swallowed by the earth. The world becomes this spinning, flipping rush of chaos, and my stomach joins my heart in a swimming dance of confused terror before the jig ends with a nasty crunch. Everything stops and the wind is knocked out of me as I collide into the sodden, but still oddly firm ground.

Ow.

Silence only lasts about a second or so before there's a deep growling, and more wood snapping just ahead of where I was sprawled. I look up blearily, trapped under a large plank and only able to see from one eye. The Sword Toothed Titan leers up over me, looming with those gaping jaws and dead eyes. My god I think this might be it. The eyes look around, presumably searching for Eren, but all it can find is me. And I'm grateful in all honesty, I really am.

"B-Bastard…" I choke out, trying to push the plank off me so I can at least reach my blade to give an attempt at a fight, but this thing is solid and I'm going nowhere. All I can do is wriggle, and make my arms feel like they might snap before this plank moves. The beast seems to chuckle, body shuddering as it takes a step towards me, the ground shivering beneath me. I look around, Armin dragging himself back with a bashed leg, and what I think is Mikasa hauling Eren's unconscious ass out of there as quick as she can. I also see a figure scrambling, seemingly also trying to free himself from some kind of debris.

"ROBYN! GET OUT OF THERE!" I hear my Captain order in an enraged below, but I can't obey. I hate it, but I really can't, and soon enough I can barely think as those eyes get closer, till they feel close enough to touch. I struggle some more, and only then, as the heat of the things breath wafts against my face do I realise something.

I can reach the syringe.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, hope it was worth the wait!**

 **Everyone is so quiet on here at the moment 0_0 you all still out there? Is this story still interesting? I realise you've been with me for a while, and I love that anyone is still reading this, but I do worry that the latest chapter left you all bored or something! Hopefully not the case...**

 **See you next time m'dears!**

 **Shoutout to Sebastian :) thank for the review, and glad to have made you laugh! I always wonder if the comedy in my stories works or not, so it's gratifying to know that it does! Thanks for the continued support, hope this update was up to par.**


	37. Control

**Hello, hello, hello. Long time no see, and all that jazz. So sorry, creativity is not my friend right now, the obnoxious pain in the arse is being pretty damn aloof with me!**

 **Anyway! On we go, sorry it's been so long as I rather left it on a cliffhanger, but no more nonsense. :) Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own AOT, just love the characters.**

 **Note: I am now incorporating aspects from the manga BEYOND the anime, so if that's an issue, SPOILERS. Warning applied. Read at your own risk.**

* * *

I can reach the syringe.

My heart is thundering in my ears, and it hardly helps me focus. Then again, those gaping jaws looming in don't leave much room for indecision, so it probably evens out in my noisy mind. The one clear thing to me, ringing in my head, is the hope that this actually works and that they don't _have_ to kill me in order to stop me. The syringe feels so cold in my hand, either that or I'm feeling the chill simply from blood loss. Right now I cannot be certain. I shift as best I can, groaning as my bones ache against the movement. The needle presses against my skin and I take a deep breath, staring into those vacant eyes and feeling my courage steel.

"I'll get you, you bastard. I'll fucking get you good." And I begin to depress the plunger, I feel the odd sensation of the serum entering my bloodstream and I wait with bated breath. Shouldn't something b happening right now? I wonder if I'm too weak, or if I'm incompatible with it? I pointlessly keep pushing on the plunger as if that was going to help anything, a weird chuckling rumble sounding in the Titan's chest as those jaws get closer and closer. Well Dammit… at least I tried.

"NO!" a manic scream pierces the air and I jolt, the syringe falling away from my arm and jangling empty over the fallen wooden splinters. What the hell? Eren?! I look round, but don't really need to as suddenly he's right in front of me, guarding me as he holds a hand out to the beast. As far as I'm concerned? That's it, we're dead and the fool that he was, had wasted himself on the likes of me.

And yet I'm still waiting.

Still flinching without fresh pain, or a sudden spray of Eren's precious blood across my face.

What the fuck had happened?

Not that I'm complaining of course, but why the hell am I alive right now?

I sneak a peek and find myself gaping in open amazement at the scene before me, wondering if I had in fact died and was having a very surreal dream, or very weird beginning to my afterlife. Eren stands tall and defiant, arm still oustretched as if having punched out angrily, and the Toothy Bastard is slowly turning away. They all are, the little minions he had brought with him, are all meandering away as though bored of their impromptu massacre.

I swallow hard and feel my consciousness slip from my grasp.

"Eren…" I mumble, the low rumble of the Sword Toothed Titan's steps echoing round my head along with my erratic heartbeat. There's the sound of breaking wood as the Titans scramble away, and as the light fades from my vision I can also hear scrambling feet and hands. The cavalry had arrived apparently.

* * *

When I wake, I find myself looking up at the tent roof. Odd. I try to move but quickly regret it, everything seems to hurt and the room swims with even the smallest movement. You'd think I'd be used to this by now and know when to move and when not to. Apparently I would never learn. I sigh and let things settle before looking around from where I lie, only to find myself alone in the tent. In that moment I just hope that I'm right in remembering that everyone had been alive, they had been bruised up and hurt, but alive. Right? Before my panic can really get going though, the flap opens and in comes Hanji with a pen between her teeth. Her glasses flash as she notices I'm awake, and she approaches slowly and strangely enough she remains silent. I suppose she had found out I had the serum? That I had taken it and she was now severely pissed off? Or had Erwin ripped her a new one for allowing that to happen? Or had Levi? Shit… this wasn't good.

She sits on the edge of the bed and flicks my forehead.

"Ow." I grumble, and she then does it another three times, each harder than the last. By the end of it I can definitely feel a bruise forming. Or possibly a horn. "Ugh… Hanji…"

"Sorry but when a good friend of mine has been as stupid as you? I have to do something, and right now you look too god damn pathetic to slap. You were seriously gonna just chance the serum?! I mean… one hell of an interesting case study for sure, but seriously? Just like that?" she demands, prodding my arm now, hitting the one place that didn't actually hurt. Sometimes she really did have pinpoint accuracy.

"It was hardly 'just like that' Hanji."

"Oh really? Do explain!" she scoffs, taking off her glasses to give them a pointless smudge with the edge of her shirt. I roll my eyes.

"That Toothy bugger was looming in, going for the kill. As far as I knew? It was use the serum or die." I sigh, grabbing her hand and holding tight when she goes for another prod. Her glasses flash again as she lays them to the side. "It didn't work anyway, clearly there is something funky with my blood…"

"It isn't your blood." She says, squeezing my hand back with a smile threatening to appear. I shake my head this time, and she puts the glasses back on.

"Look, I know my going rogue was more than likely, but I still thought it was a better chance than nothing at all. And what do you mean it isn't my blood? You seriously saying it was by chance that it didn't wor—"

"It was the fake serum." She interrupts with another flick to my head. "It isn't your blood because all you injected yourself with was coloured saline solution you dumbass. Yeesh and you thought Sarah was a moron."

I blink and look up at her slightly smug face, feeling a blush appear on my confused one.

"But I…"

"Oh c'mon Robyn! You seriously think I hadn't considered you doing something that god damned stupid? Gimme a little more credit than that, huh?" she really does look a little offended. I swallow hard and look up at the ceiling, feeling very stupid and very bruised.

"Shit…" it's all I can really muster to my lips right now.

"Your need to be a human shield is as predictable as it is frustrating." Hanji laughs and once more my cheeks start to burn again, I'm fairly sure I look like a tomato right now. "Funny thing was, the bollucking Levi was giving me about you having the real serum, and then another for letting you take the fake one thinking it was real. Seems either way I was going to get a telling off." She chuckles with a shrug, and I can just imagine her doing the same as Levi unleashed a tirade of a rant upon her. I really think Hanji was the bravest of us all sometimes. Or the most suicidal.

"Sorry Hanji…" I sigh, and roll to my side with a small wince.

"The simple fact that Levi cares enough about anyone to get that upset still fascinate me. That's fine by me, just helps prove he still has a heart." She simpers and sits back, one leg folded over the other as she looks to the end of the bed where our belongings were being kept. "I gave you a shot of the serum, so you should be okay by morning. Just stay still m'kay?"

I nod and stare up at the ceiling, gnawing on my bottom lip.

"Yeah… so Hanji… what the heck was all that with Eren? Did you see it?" I ask, hoping she would keep in mind my injuries if she got too excited. There's a small gasp before she leans forward, and I don't need to look to know there's a manic grin spreading across her face right now. The chair creaks as she keeps leaning in, excitement rolling off her to the point that I think I'm moving with it.

"It's absolutely fascinating! To think of the possibilities of him being able to compel titans to do his bidding… I mean… my god it could change everything overnight. We don't know the range but it had some, and my god… I think I peed a little." She sighs wistfully. "He's resting up for now, passed out as soon as he knew the base was safe. And… also…"

"What?" I demand as her voice veers off and she suddenly looks a little timid. "Hanji, is everyone else okay?" I try to sit up simply out of habit, but just groan and stay put. She nods and pushes my hair back in an almost motherly fashion. I relax again slightly, trying to be a good patient, as well as maintain patience.

"They're all doing fine. Bruised up like usual, but healing well, and we have two teams on careful watch at the hole in the wall, as well as a team attempting repairs." She shushes and I give a small nod, breathing a little easier with each slice of information.

"All right, so what were you going to tell me? Please spit it out Hanji, I don't really feel like I can be bothered with suspense right now." I plead, and she leans forward again, holding a hand firmly to my shoulder and making my panic rise.

"We got the shifter out of the Toothed Titan." She says slowly, holding me down when I try to spring up in angry-confused-impatient-victorious-excitement. She waits till I'm no longer struggling before letting go and sitting back again. I watch her intently, as if trying to read the information straight out of her mind. "They're under Erwin and Levi's careful watch, and neither of them are going to ask any questions till you're there. You won't miss a thing." She reassures me and whilst it does calm me sense of manic urgency, it doesn't help much with my chronic thirst for answers.

We really had them? We had a chance of getting some answers, and even if they didn't help find the white cloaks, it would be something. Something tangible at last. Hanji pats my arm and lets go, sitting back and I bet she can feel the barely contained excitement rolling off of me now. Usually this was the other way around, but right now? Right now I wanted to have that bastard tied up and pinned down, I wanted to toy with him like Hanji did with her pets. This cruel side to me makes a shiver run along me spine, but fuck that. The truth. My god it was only across the compound.

"Try and rest for now, Robyn. I've sedated the shifter, don't make me do the same to you, because I will." She grins and I nod, lying down and trying to relax as ordered. It doesn't work very well, ideas and conclusions swim around my mind as the lantern flickers and makes patterns across the cloth roof.

But I reckon I must have eventually fallen asleep because when I blink I'm waking up. Not only that, but I find myself cuddling into a broad chest.

I look up and smile sleepily as Levi lies asleep next to me, dark hair falling over his eyes as his head is slightly angled towards me. I nuzzle gently, and he yawns, blinking awake to look down and smirk, planting a kiss on my forehead.

"Morning pain in the ass brat." He mumbles, voice thick with sleep. I nuzzle again and kiss over his heart, slyly checking him over for signs of injury. A sigh escapes him, but a content sounding one. "A sprained ankle, fucked up calf muscle and bruises, nothing serious. Got stuck under some debris after the wall got blasted through. So maybe some splinters in my ass as well." He sums up with another yawn soon following. I nod and lay my head down to listen to his heartbeat.

"Well I had to check."

"Of course you did, you're a damn paranoid freak." He mutters, and I flick his ribs.

"I need to keep an eye on my old man, don't I?" I say with another kiss to his chest. A chuckle rumbles in him, and I smile, things feeling oddly normal considering the circumstances. The sunshine is still pale as it hits the tent's material, so it can't have been long after dawn. The world outside sounds like it's waking up, but it certainly isn't hectic out there yet. The troop would still be reeling after the previous night, but it was good to hear what could almost be mistaken for a normal morning at HQ.

"You were really gonna use it." He breathes gently, tone calm but almost disappointed. I lay my head on the pillow next to him and watch the frown creasing his brow far too early in the morning. I put my finger on the line and try to massage it out, but it only makes it deepen. I look up into those disapproving eyes and nod, setting my jaw.

"Yeah… I really was."

"God damned brat." He whispers, eyes tightening.

"At the time it seemed like the only viable option… I'm sorry but I won't take it back. I won't regret it." I go to kiss his shoulder, but he taps my chin and pulls my lips to his instead. It's tender, but there's an edge to it. Once again I'd reminded him of just how human he was, I can only imagine his panic with being stuck under that debris as the Titan loomed over me. By this point I could definitely be classed as a health hazard to the man.

"So… moving on from your repeated disregard for your own safety… shall we go talk to the bitch who's been systematically trying to kill us?" he asks almost off-handedly, hand stroking through my hair. I grin.

"Sure, sounds like a splendid way to start the day." I kiss his cheek and get myself up carefully, washed and ready for the day. I have a couple lingering bruises, but ultimately I seem to be mended up nicely. God dammit Hanji and your brilliant serums. I tie my hair back and then follow my Captain out into the compound where a few others come and go, bidding good morning and nodding their heads. It's only as we get about halfway across to the tent in question that I realise he said 'bitch'. I slow down a touch, and look at him, his pace soon matching mine.

"You said bitch." I murmur, and he frowns, glancing ahead to the tent and tilting his head.

"Yes… yes I did… the problem being?"

"I just… I didn't think it was a woman." I shrug and look at the tent, mind whirring away surprisingly well considering I hadn't had any coffee yet. Adrenaline was a wonder. I can feel him still watching me, and I bite my lip a little as an idea occurs to me. "Do you think… do you think it could be the woman who called the shots for the white cloaks? The one who was ordering everyone around when we were taken?"

He looks at the tent and purses his lips, shrugging.

"I wouldn't really know. It's one of my few remaining blank spots…" he confesses, and I nod, picking up the pace again as this idea lingers in my head. I'm rather eager to know if we really had struck gold in such a manner, or if I was making connections where there were none.

The tent where our adversary was being held had two guards outside, and a general gloom inside. For a moment, as we pass under the threshold, I touch Levi's hand and he does the same to me. Together, we'd do this together. Erwin is sat doing paperwork to pass the time, the gentle scratch of his quill and the slight jingle of chains the only thing to break the close feeling quiet. It was only cloth and wooden poles, but somehow it felt as reinforced as a stone fortress.

"Morning Commander." Levi says, sharing a nod with his old comrade, who then looks to me and smiles pleasantly.

"How are you feeling Sanshi? I trust you allowed yourself some decent rest?" he says quietly, putting the quill back in the ink pot before standing. I return the nod, hands clenched by my side as I try and hold onto patience again.

"Bruised sir, but yes, generally fine. Is the prisoner awake, sir?" I ask, impatience really starting to nip at my heels by this point.

An amused smile pulls on his lips and he nods to the make-shift cell. I turn, holding my breath as I see her revealed. Blonde hair that was making decent headway into grey falls to her shoulders, her dark eyes glare whilst her pale lips are set in a thin line. Problem is she doesn't have glasses on right now, so it would have to be her voice that really confirmed it for me. Her head tilts, lips warping into a cruel smile that rings in my memory.

"Hello again Miss Sanshi, you look well." She purrs, and for a couple seconds I'm frozen. Completely still. That voice, that god damned cold voice that feels like ice is slowly filling my mind. That was her all right. My hands clench even tighter as I stare into those dark eyes, and they stare back with little to no emotion. If anything, I only see amusement. This bitch. It had really been her all along, from that first night with the kill squad from the government, right through to those dark days in that cell. Sat there, hunched over slightly and grubby from her Titan travels, was the woman accountable for it all. She who had me beaten till bloody, had Levi's mind warped almost beyond repair, that forced him to kill however many shifters, that revelled in the moment she allowed those men to pin me down and—

"Robyn?" Levi's voice breaks through the haze and I realise I had been stood silently staring, baring my teeth in outrage. I must have looked deranged. The amusement in her gaze is now slightly dimmed by reverence. I fully intend it to be swamped by outright terror by the end of the day. If not the hour.

For now though, I shake myself down and try my best to ignore the brazen sneer she is attempting to bait me with. Your time will come bitch, just wait. Levi's hand is on my arm, and I look at him with a reassuring nod, only then noticing Erwin had approached as well because he then takes a couple steps back again. Whoops. I clear my throat and unclench my hands, palms nipping at the way my nails had been digging their way in.

"What's your name?" I ask, not quite able to not speak through my teeth just yet. The chains scrape together and she seems to contemplate how to word her lie. As her dark eyes glance towards Levi though, it seems she almost considers telling the truth. It seems also short-lived however.

"Valarie Sanshi."

"Bullshit." I snap without hesitation.

"It's true, I'm your Aunt dear little Rob—"

" _Bullshit_." I repeat, now sounding bored. She frowns.

"Does it really seem so impossib—"

"Oh my god, really?" I groan, looking up and wondering why the gods felt the need to test me so. I then look back at her, and for a moment enjoy the confusion in her weathered features. "You look _nothing_ like Vincent, and not only that but you don't have yellow eyes. So no. You're not a god damned Sanshi. Next lie and I will _happily_ rip your hair out." I say with a half-laugh towards the end. I glance at Levi in case I had gone too far, but he simply nods, remaining stoic for now. I know I'm within my rights for now, so I look back at her and repeat myself. "Name, now."

She sets her jaw.

I brace for more cow feaces.

"Valaire Sanshi, just because you deny it, doesn't stop it being true." She snarls, and I just give another impatient groan, shaking my head and pinching the bridge of my nose. The world was intent on me raging out wasn't it? Just hold on a little longer… just a little longer. "We are blood Robyn, we are family."

For a few moments I am quiet, simply taking deep breaths as I make my way through a detailed fantasy of ripping that hair out, shoving it down her throat and punching her in the tits. I then swallow hard and look up with a raised brow.

"I really cannot even _begin_ to understand why you would want to work this angle."

"Excuse me?" she scoffs, and I just shake my head.

"I don't give a shit about my _family_ , legit or not. The only family I _did_ care about died when I was eight, end of. So even if you _are_ my long-lost, never before mentioned, lacking vital family tropes, haggard old bitch of an Aunty… I care less every second I look at you. If anything, it makes me want to hurt you more." I snort and she shifts in her chains.

What a dumbass.

"While you decide on the name issue, why did you originally target Eren?" asks Levi, and her eyes spark a little being addressed by him. Intrigue or fear, I can't really tell. But it was certainly a reaction. "I suggest you answer promptly, I don't need mind-tricks or six months to get you to comply." He says, slight hiss to his voice by the end.

As much as I hated this woman, I probably had no way of even beginning to understand how much Levi hated her.

"Our serum… it required work." She explains, and I tense up.

"You wanted him for experimentation?" I guess, and she nods with set lips.

"We wished to try it out on the boy. Or even improve it with his blood." She replies, apparently deciding to play this smarter now. I grit my teeth against such an image, my place being taken by Eren as he's chained and whipped, syringe after syringe pressed into his skin as he's toyed with. I feel sick. "The work of his father has long been our goal."

Hold the god damned messenger boy.

I look at Levi and then at Erwin, both blinking with reserved reactions as they look back at me. Eren's father was involved as well, that had just been confirmed. It seemed more and more likely that Hanji was correct then, Grisha had done this to Eren. I feel the truth slipping out, and all it's doing is tangling this web even further. Shit. Eren would have to be told, and once again the past would be haunting him, the poor kid didn't seem to be able to get a break.

"Is Grisha working for you?" asks Erwin, and the woman frowns, looking him up and down as if he were outright mad. It was a look he had received many times, but not often from a prisoner. "Answer me, woman." He adds sternly, and she just swallows hard, looking between us all.

"You really are that ignorant?"

"You really don't want to start calling names." I suggest as I fold my arms over my chest and grip my elbows in the vain attempt of holding myself together. "Answer Commander Smith."

"No, Grisha is not working for us. And no, we don't have him, before you ask." She adds, but I have this weird feeling in the back of my head she is only saying part of what she knows. This would take time. But it seemed that for once we had that on our side.

Levi frowns and looks her up and down.

"So you tested the serum on yourself as well?" Levi summarises, and the woman looks horrified at his words. "Allowing yourself to become a full shifter in order to get to us?" he continues, but her nose wrinkles and she shakes her head desperately.

"Good god no! Why the hell would I allow myself to become one of those disgusting half-breeds?! I have only used the temporary serum to allow me to try and attack you lot. The very idea…" she shudders, "Shifters are vermin."

I just chuckle; we now know we can safely implement pain to get answers. Without risk of her shifting. I guess this realisation occurs to her as well as the colour drains from her face.

"All right, next question. Did you send in Sarah?" asks Levi, a small smirk having appeared on him as well before vanishing.

"Sarah?" she repeats without recognition.

I narrow my eyes, but then consider that this woman is most likely conceited enough to not know the names of her subordinates. I take a couple steps towards her, and I kneel down, looking into those dark eyes and wondering if there was any chance of reaching this woman on a human level. I didn't like our chances though.

"Sarah; short, brown hair, fittingly average looking for someone sent into our regiment in order to give me a shot of shifter serum?" I explain, and slowly the penny drops in this woman's calculating mind, and recognition finally appears.

"Oh… her. Right. Yes, she's one of our younger recruits, her family have been avid followers of us for generations." She explains like it's meant to be obvious. I have the horrible feeling this group of people cloaked in white are a lot more numerous than we thought. "How is she doing?" the woman asks as if inquiring after her child at school. I grit my teeth and count to five in order to stop myself smacking that weird little simper off her face.

"Stuck in a cell rambling about being a sinner."

"Splendid." She responds, and I count to ten this time.

"Just what exactly is your group anyway? A cult? A religion? Both?" I demand, and I watch as that god damned expression turns to patronising of all things.

"All we are is those that are loyal to the crown." She explains softly, again treating me like I was a confused child. I frown and look back to Levi and Erwin, to see if they understand this anymore than I do. But their faces seem as confused as I feel, but they are of course better at hiding it, I simply know how to read them by this point. I turn back to her and take a deep breath.

"What does that even mean? We are a military regiment working _for_ humanity, and therefore for the King. Why on earth are we being targeted like—"

"The only thing you lot are good for is causing civil upheaval. To stay within the walls is to stay loyal. You yourself commit blood betrayal every time you put that god damned uniform on! You are a Sanshi, and that used to mean something in this world." She says with a hint of despair, her eyes seeming far off as nostalgia compounds with her zealous nonsense. I snort.

"Well it doesn't mean shit now."

"Evidently…" she sighs with a shake of her head.

"Sarah was rambling on about that as well, about my name. Just what the heck does my bastard father's family have to do with any of this?" I demand, and for a moment I think she's going to refuse to answer. Those dark eyes stare at me long and hard and I really cannot read them anymore. But slowly, those lips begin to warp again, and at first I think she's going to rage out, to rant at me. But no. God damn it was so much worse. She throws her head back and laughs loudly, to the point that I know her gut has to be aching as a couple tears leak down her grubby face.

"Family is everything. Do you have any idea the lengths the original rulers went to in order to create good heritage? The purges of bad blood from our civilisations, the cleansing of our genetic pool? The Jaegers, the Ackermans, the Reiss's!" she lists them off, and whilst the last means little to me, she just keeps going, keeps listing, and keeps confusing me. "And finally the Sanshi's. Elite groups of families were chosen to serve the crown, it just so happens a couple went AWOL. Or indeed proved that they couldn't be trusted." She adds, her dark eyes boring into the Captain behind me as the words slither past her lips.

"So why—"

"Your mother was a Reiss, a low level watered down one by all accounts, but still a Reiss. And your father—"

"Your brother right?" I interrupt, and she gives a shrewd smile, apparently not bothered about maintaining that lie for any longer. All this talk of families and bloodlines was rather troublesome for me, I had spent most of my life running away from my family. And now it was considered important? That's just plain irritating if I'm being brutally honest. I hear Levi take a step forward, the woman's eyes instantly glued to him again.

"So your organisation is trying to… what? Create a shifting potion to turn the royals all into shifters? To create your own personal army of shifters? What? You talk of shifters being vermin and yet use them for your fucking chores, and actively seek the serum to make them. Stop speaking about shit-useless heritage and give us some clarity." Levi demands, his tone getting harsher by the moment.

I glance at Erwin, and he has his eyes fixed on his Captain, and I know he fully expects this to become too much for Levi. He had been a lot better about getting answers than I had been, because quite frankly Levi knew how the game worked better than I did. But that didn't mean he would definitely keep it together with the bitch right in front of him. I was amazed he hadn't killed her already.

"Turn the royals into beasts? Now what would that get us?"

"I suggest you answer his question, or neither me nor Commander Smith will be able to hold him back. And I don't think we'll want to either." I explain perfectly calmly, and I think that's what makes it all the more frightening for the woman. I slowly get up and recede back till I stand next to him again, watching the distance make those dark eyes more and more uncertain. The bubble was closing in around her, and I know she's panicking. She's trying to figure a way out of this, but she's grasping at straws with sweat slickened hands.

"Answer." Snaps Erwin and she actually flinches.

"The Scouting Legion were getting out of hand, and we knew if something wasn't done soon, the shift of power could be devastating. You don't realise it, but you're not freeing humanity, you're dooming it." She suddenly rambles at us, and I see real fear there, because I think she really believes what she's saying.

"So you wanted to bring down the corps… and make us all shifters?"

"If you could be controlled… yes." She adds, and in that second, I know we either need to kill her or permanently silence her. I feel Levi's gaze on me, and I'm fairly sure we've both come to the same conclusion. What Eren had accomplished was amazing, but now she knew he had the power to compel Titans. That alone made him a prime target all over again, and if she got away, that information could lead to a very tricky situation for us all.

"So… why did your attention focus onto me and Levi instead?" I ask, trying to change the subject in case her panicked mind hadn't actually made that connection yet. Admittedly she couldn't do a hell of a lot about it right now, but the longer I could keep her ignorant, the happier I would be. Her dark eyes blink slowly, and she sighs.

"The Ackermans are in short supply if you hadn't realised, and basically this is because we couldn't guarantee them being controlled. The royals have a special way with their subjects you see." She adds rather cryptically, but I decide to just let her get on with it. I have to wonder though if Eren is the only one able to have such power over other Titans, or if it is in fact far more common than that. If it is? Holy hell that was scary.

"So you wanted to see if I could be controlled as a Titan?" he says between his teeth.

"Humanity's Strongest as a Titan to be controlled and used as a weapon? As a man of strategy surely you can see the advantages to that?" she chuckles, and Levi clenches his jaw. Six months of torture being supposedly justified in a chuckle.

"All right, but if my bloodline is so damned useful as well, why did you try and have him kill me both in that arena, and out here in the real world?" I ask, and she looks disappointed to have to talk with me instead.

"I said your bloodline was prominent, noble even, but I didn't say vital. No, not at all. You have your uses, and what with your well known connection to the otherwise lonesome Captain, it seemed a good opportunity. With your death by his hands the Corps would have been in crisis. Not only would Levi have been traumatised probably to the point of contemplating ending his life, and therefore triggering his shifting abilities, but morale would be at an all-time low so—"

"Levi isn't a shifter though." I interrupt, and Levi slowly nods, Erwin now coming over to join us properly as the conversation progresses. The woman sets her jaw and sighs heavily, looking to the side as though accusing the tent material of being accountable for that fact.

"Indeed… which was when we realised we needed to give him that extra dose which was in the tooth. But again. You bastards got round that one as well." She says in a bored tone and when I take a sharp step forwards.

"So what was the plan, perfect the serum and then get hold of Levi again? Put him through more of your torments? Mess with his head all over again?!" I demand, voice rising as my temper flares beyond what I can conceal. Her dark eyes flash and she smiles a little.

"We have our plan, and we intend to stick to it. One way or the other, we will have our way. We always have and always will do. You're a fleeting thing Robyn Sanshi, we are eternal." She chuckles, and then tilts her head, hair falling in front of her cruel eyes. "We will linger long after your bones have turned to dust."

"So by that point I won't give a shit will I?" I respond, unfazed by my own death. She laughs again though, shoulders juddering with it.

"Are you still having fond dreams of all the fun we had together? We could always take you in again. Make you right at home my little _niece_."

"Shut up." I snap, my teeth being bared for a moment. She giggles.

"Come now, I reckon you enjoyed it on some level. After all you were moaning like a—"

"Fuck you!" I stride forward again fully intending on ripping that greying hair out for real, but a hand clasps my wrist and holds me back. I stand rigidly for a moment, glaring down at her and fully intending on killing her until I manage to get a grip and look round. Erwin holds tight, and gives me a hard look. We needed more information, and harming her without real cause wouldn't likely help our case. I nod and step back again, before taking another few steps back as well.

"I think… I think I'll leave you to it." I say, backing up and nodding at Levi when he looks to me with question. Yeah I'm all right, I just can't stay near her for much longer without ripping her head off. I'd go see how Eren was doing, give him a proper telling off after I'd hugged the crap out of him.

I escape out of the tent, hearing faint noises of her continuing laughter until the flap closes and I manage to shut it out.

I can breathe again.

The sun is now right above us, and I hold a hand to my brow as it glares down upon the compound. I glance to where it all happened last night, and am impressed by the fortifications the repair team have already managed to put into place. Once Eren was able to shift again and finish it off, we'd be good to go. Of course one way of looking at it was that the wall had done damned well against the rest of the incoming titans, only a proper assault had damaged it. And the same could be said for the might of Maria; so our little wooden example had done rather well for itself.

We were a small force, but dammit we were pretty good weren't we?

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 **Thank you so much for reading, I sincerely hope it was once again still worth the wait! Please leave a review, follow or favourite as I am thrilled to see them whenever I get those emails. It's a joy, it really is, cannot stress that enough to you, my lovely readers. I hold your opinions highly!**

 **SHOUTOUTS.**

 **Maikamika: Thanks for reading, I am glad you're getting invested! Hope this was up to par, and thanks for the review!**

 **SandNinjaBunny: Apologies, I really am awful for doing those kinds of cliffhangers. I am ever so slightly evil for it. I hope this was worth the wait, and sorry about the delay. Thanks for the review though, and hope you enjoy!**

 **Guest: You read this all in one day? My god you're a fast reader/trooper/masochist! Welcome aboard! Thanks so much for the praise, glad you have enjoyed it, and hope this was worth the wait :) stay tuned for more, I really don't have an ending even in mind yet, so there will always be more updates... even if the wait is stupid long because I am a terrible author *slaps own wrist*. Thanks again :)**


	38. Author Note: Apologies again I know

**Hello my patient and wonderful readers, yes unfortunately this IS another one of those sorts of... 'updates' and trust me I know how feckin' annoying they are, it's irritating me to even have to type this out! But once again I have been having issues a) creatively and b) healthwise so badda bing badda boom my 2 week holiday to Austria has come around, I leave tomorrow and do not have time to edit and submit the next chapter. However, hopefully I can get a good slice of writing done in between going up mountains and eating Bratwurst ;) so hopefully some more regular updates can follow from that! I really hope you're all enjoying summer wherever you are/ whatever you're doing, and I sincerely hope you aren't too disappointed with me. Trust me, I am plenty disappointed myself.**

 **I AM SORRY! I RREEEEEEALLY AM!**

 **In exchange for the extra wait I fully intend to make the next update longer than usual for you all!**

 **SHOUTOUTS TO AWESOME REVIEWERS WHO I FRANKLY DON'T DESERVE!**

 **Sebastian SHuu: Hehe they don't do too badly for themselves do they? I hope you're well and still wanting to stick with me, I will be sure to make the next update extra long I prrromise!**

 **Umbreon Gurl: That wasn't a cliffhanger! Was it? I didn't think it was... balls... sorry! I genuinely tried to round that update off more, apparently I'm losing the ability NOT to cliffhanger people. Sorry about that! And again sorry for the continued wait, thanks for reviewing, I really do always want to know what you think about the updates, and I will make the next extra long I promise!**

 **7dreamersscenarios: You really shouldn't be a silent reader because you give lovely reviews! It is such a boost to a writer to get reviews, so thank you so so much for taking the time to write not only a long review, but with such detail. Thank you! Sorry for the ongoing wait! I really am humbled by your praise and I will endeavour to continue with this and my others stories, I hope you're still around for it! And i'm glad you have enjoyed everyone's development. I'm always a little anxious about trying to develop canon characters as some people can be very precious about it, as though these characters could never develop in a different way than the manga. So thank you so much! See you next time! 3 weeks max I hope!**

 **GrumpyCatWriter101: Glad you enjoyed! Not sure when or if you'll make it this far as you reviewed Chapter 6, but I never want to leave anyone out! Thanks for the review!**

 **GummyBearsAreAwesome1: That is an awesome name by the way, and 100% correct. I will do, I am so so sorry for the ongoing wait, I am certainly going to Author hell for this I am sure. See you in a couple weeks hopefully? I appreciate the patience needed!**


	39. Secrets and Lies, Lies and Secrets

**Well Austria is as awesome as I remember, first time back in about 7 years and it is as beautiful as ever. Felt pretty good to disconnect for two weeks as well, but I also got about... 12,000 words written so :P YAY! Editing them and transferring from paper to laptop has been the usual headache though - my handwriting takes a swandive whenever I'm in the sunshine I SWEAR. Anyway :D on we go! And as I'm a little ahead of myself now, I should be able to update in two weeks. I would do so next week, but I think the longer I can allow myself to remain AHEAD of myself like I used to be, the more of a guaranteed two week schedule I can hope to maintain for you, my amazingly awesome readers. And FYI... came up with a buggery tonne more ideas whilst away!**

 **Anyway I hope you enjoy this slightly longer chapter :)**

 **Disclaimer: I still don't own Aot. (IS ANYONE ELSE READING THE MANGA? HOLY CRRRRAP!)**

 **Note: Spoilers for the manga, so if you're not reading it beyond first season of the anime YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. But also any detail from the manga is probably mixed in with my own take on things :P in case you hadn't noticed..  
**

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To look at the compound you wouldn't know that anything more than a gusty storm had passed through. I can barely believe it myself despite the fact I still have a few splinters here and there. The wall repairs were going well, thankfully the wood supplies having presumably not been lost in the commotion. Small mercies.

Cadets go to and fro; kicking up the newly dried dirt, some just off duty and laughing with friends, whilst others strap on gear and get ready for the next watch. A beat hadn't been missed. We seemed to be like those wooden toys with the rounded bottoms, always moving, and always lolling upright sooner than you would think, no matter how hard the strike. I walk amongst my fellow toy soldiers, smiling at those that say hello, and trying to ignore the probing gaze of the others who glared or scanned with suspicion. In many ways I wished to have remained just a face in the crowd with slightly odd hair; no one had known me, not many had cared to. My aura of crazy had pretty much kept me separate from the majority. But those days were long gone. Nowadays my many titles reached far and wide, but I doubted any songs were being planned in my honour. I was known as: the rage machine that killed Jack Fuckface, the Squad leader who killed the entirety of her first team, the one that got kidnapped with the Captain, the one fucking the Captain, or the one that snorts oddly when having drunk too much coffee and started laughing too hard. Whilst it rather sucked when I just wanted to fade into anonymity, at the end of the day I know the Scouts would be behind me, no matter how many dirty looks I garnered. I knew their loyalty would endure. This world was cruel, but when we needed to be, the Survey Corps could be pretty damned mean as well.

I head along for Eren's tent, my mind reeling over Valarie's words. Grisha was no longer with them, but had indeed had a serum from which they were working. Potentially she had confirmed Hanji's previous theories. I look up at the cleared sky and take a long deep gulp of the hot air. It seemed more than likely now that Grisha Jaeger was dead, probably killed by the White Cloaks when he wouldn't share his secrets. Eren could only hope for answers from the basement now, and it seemed a hope that frayed with each passing day. But would Eren even care outside of that? How upset would he actually be that his father was dead? Grisha had been such a bastard; abandoning Eren, possibly using him like some kind of experiment and then not even lingering long enough to explain. My fists clench at the mere thought of the hateful man.

Eren deserved better.

I touch the doorway to Eren's tent; the material rough and well weathered after a few missions. How much more could it endure? How many more storms till these worn edges tore and tattered? I swallow hard and grip it tightly before heading through, immediately faced with Mikasa's dark eyes. I freeze and find myself locked in that intense gaze, the usual shine gleaming back at me as she worried for Eren yet again. If only she knew. Suddenly her arms are round me and squeezing in a manner I had rather intended for her brother. I hug back after a moment of surprise and I feel her relax a little, a small shudder running through her as she suppresses a sob. The warrior who feels too deeply.

"Hey love, you okay?" I murmur in her ear as the smothering embrace continues with no apparent end in sight. She gives a soft sniff before I feel a nod against my shoulder, clearly she was trying her best to pull things back together. "We're all okay, Mikasa. We have the bitch in custody... It's okay Mikasa." I nuzzle her a little.

"This time." she breathes heavily before walking past me to the compound. I'm not sure why she's so upset, but I can tell she needs space right now. Or possibly to kill something - hopefully not _someone_. I look back inside and see Eren in his bed, with Armin sat next to him; both look after Mikasa before turning their confused gazes to me. What the hell had I stumbled into with my usual elegance? I let the rough material slip through my fingers before heading to sit on the other side of the bed from Armin and smile cautiously at Eren.

He still looked a little frail, bruising still under his eyes, and a general pallidness to his complexion. Not all that surprising really, he had been in recovery when this had all happened, and on top of that he had used this new controlling ability. I had only the vague hope that it might be the lighting making him seem so sallow, but this recent amount of shifting and battle had definitely taken its toll on him. Fraying edges.

"How're you doing, Eren?" my voice is small, reserved at the back of my throat like my tongue suddenly got nervous. He smiles, but I know the tired look in those bright eyes, he's still exhausted. Can I really tell him so soon? I look to Armin and his eyes are glued to his childhood friend, concern shining out amongst the tents gloom. Eventually the blonde glances my way and I see the reflection of what lingered in Mikasa's gaze; they were both fearful of losing him. Was this latest moment of recklessness from Eren the blade to snap the horses rein?

"I'm doing fine but Armin and Mikasa are freaking out for some reason." he sighs, but his casual smirk is met with an uncharacteristic frown from the usually forgiving bookworm. "Seriously Armin would you calm down? I'm here aren't I? Good as new!" Eren snorts and I nudge his arm in warning.

"Lay off Eren," I murmur, and he shakes his head with raised brows.

"Not you too..."

"Look you made a pretty reckless move out there last night, mister. Mikasa and Armin are allowed to feel protective, you three are each other's family, its their job and yours to look out for each other. Don't get annoyed at them for that." I smile softly and look to Armin; expecting that sweet smile in agreement, and yet finding an even deeper scowl. Grumpy pants.

"You're a part of this family as well Robyn, don't think for a second that you're not." he says sternly and I chuckle a little, somehow the frown deepening again. "I'm not joking."

"I didn't think you were." I clarify, and a small bit of the scowl falls away. "I just seem to be adding to my family a lot lately."

"What do you mean?" Armin raises a brow, a small glance to my stomach almost making me flinch and laugh at the same time.

"Apparently our esteemed guest is my long lost Aunty Valerie." I laugh with a roll of my eyes, again finding my expectations quashed when they don't join in. Instead they look empathetically horrified. "Guys..."

"Are you all right? Is it your father's sister?" the tone of voice that comes out of Armin was far better suited to a ghost story round the campfire in all honesty. I just stare at him blankly. That misconception about me being a delicate flower better not be trying to make a comeback - do I really need to wrestle a bear or something in order to regain bad-ass status?

"It's a blatant lie, c'mon Armin, you're meant to be the clever one right? She also claimed my mother was attached to some kind of nobility or royalty, it's all bullshit." I say and gradually they look more confused. "Why aren't you two laughing with me? This shit is funny!"

"Why are you immediately dismissing it?" says Armin as he ties his hair back and then leans on the bed. "You could be for all you, or we know. After all how much do you actually remem-"

"Armin!" I interrupt sharply and he slowly closes his mouth. "I am _not_ royalty or nobility, or any of that! My family is about as noble as a mangy stray humping the carcass of a rat. End of."

"I'm with Armin." says Eren with a shrug. "I have always sensed something about you, Robyn. Something different."

"Yeah, I'm a nutjob, not news." I retort and watch them share a dismissive look. Ugh... men. With this in mind I am half expecting Levi to have bought into this shit. I shake my head and try to remember why I had even come into this bubble of irritation. Then I see the key glint on Eren's chain and I swallow hard again. Oh yeah... Shit.

"Robyn?" says Eren as though repeating himself, his hand moving to touch the key as I stare at it. Ever since discovering his Titan ability, that key had been the shred of hope, the carrot at the end of the stick leading towards his father and answers. And now? Now it might just be the manipulation of a man who would never be able to fully explain his callousness. How the hell do I say this? What do I even know for sure? Nothing really. Shitting hell on a shitstack of shittery. "Robyn the hell are you looking at?"

"I..." I try to talk, but my tongue feels heavy.

"Armin... maybe you should go get Hanji?"

"N-no I... I'm... I'm fine." I shake my head again and lick my lips. "It's just that um... well I came to talk to you about something. As well as check on you of course. I um... well, me and Levi talked with the prisoner, Valerie, and well..."

"Robyn spit it out." mutters Eren, reaching and putting a hand over mine, squeezing gently. He assumes its bad news for me. Once again he's looking after me, once again those green eyes burn with an affection I cannot claim to deserve.

"She mentioned your father." I say quietly, knowing that really I shouldn't mention the theory of Hanji's at all. Nothing had been confirmed. Eren's hand trembles for a second before there's a pause of still silence, that same grip tightening. His eyes continue to bore into me, and I sense another miss-assumption coming on.

"Was he involved in what they did to you?"

Fucking hell Eren, think of yourself for once? I think my sudden smile throws him a bit as he blinks and stares at me. Such kindness in his bruised heart, and yet the world seemed intent on punishing him.

"No... not directly anyway." I say because of course if it weren't for Grisha's serum I or Levi would never have been taken. Eren nods a little, but his grip remains the same, he knows there's more behind my words.

"Is he with them?" he asks almost in a whisper. Despite the fact Eren had so clearly lost hope of his father being good, there is still a glimmer, a moment even, in those boyish eyes that allows a son to yearn for his father. Again I squeeze his hand and smile sadly.

"No he isn't, but they were using his serum as a basis for making their own." I say gently, and unfortunately I can't deny the way that glimmer flickers and fades. But I keep going, I want him to have time to digest this. "That was the reason there was so much experimentation, because theirs never quite matched up." I say quietly, more to Armin now as Eren seems a little far away despite the fact he's still staring right at me. He can now assume that his father turned him into a Titan, in fact I wonder if he's ever remembered something to do with it. Was that what was going across his scattered mind now? I can only guess the noise behind his vacant stare.

"Did she say anything else, Robyn?" asks Armin, and I can tell he's trying to think of a way round all this, trying to decipher an escape route for his dear friend. But I really don't think he can, not even the genius of Armin Artlet could out-think the cruelty of Fate. I just shrug and shake my head, watching the information sink in and take hold of Eren; it had been his father who turned him into a shifter, as well as left him to figure it all out on his own. It was so much worse than abandonment.

"Eren... I'm so sorry." I breathe, and his frown deepens.

"What're you sorry for? I'm hardly the only person around here to have a terrible father." he grits his teeth and I feel a little heat rise in his hand. "What the hell was he thinking? And what does that mean is actually in the basement? What the point in giving this to me anyway?" he snarls, looking down and turning the key over again and again in his hands. A slight tremble has taken hold of him. I look to Armin but he looks just as lost if not more so. Perhaps the bright young man had come up with a theory of his own about Grisha, and now it had been blown out of the water. Either that or it had been confirmed.

"We don't know everything yet Eren... she had barely begun explaining."

"Why did she stop?" asks Armin, and I blink, shrugging as a blush takes to my cheeks.

"I... I just... I had to get out of there." I explain, my tongue feeling sluggish again as I shudder. Both men before me apparently come to the right conclusion from my words, knowing it was the woman from my captivity. "And keep in mind that it could _all_ be lies." I add in order to change the subject as I watch the storm clouds gathering in Eren's mind. Again his jaw tightens, but this time I could have sworn I heard something pop.

"That's all it ever is isn't it? Secrets and lies. Then more secrets backed up by more lies, on and on. I'm fucking sick of this!" yells Eren suddenly throwing the key away, it giving a soft thud as it lands in the dirt of the tent's floor. We all stare at it sitting in the small crack of sunshine from outside, the gentle glimmering almost mocking us. I look away and see the soft glow to Eren's green eyes; stable was not the way to describe him right now. Not by a long shot.

"We're all sick of it, brat." says Levi from the doorway, and I feel myself jump a bit. I turn to him and see that stern gaze, knowing I would have to bite my tongue very soon. This was my Captain, not my Levi. The key is slowly picked up and brushed off by the meticulous man, twirling it between his fingers as he gradually approaches the end of the bed. Silence hangs heavy; but I see no blood upon his sleeve or boot, so presumably the questioning had remained civil. Or at least controlled.

"Sorry Captain, Eren was just-" but Armin is soon letting his mouth close again, quieted by the long look from those steely eyes.

"I know well enough what Jaeger was doing, he was being a whiny brat as usual." the Captain summarises and immediately silences me with a raised hand; this was not the time to interfere. "We don't have all the information, and any that we do have cannot be trusted. That has always been the case in this regiment, so if you're not on board yet? Speed the fuck up, Jeager, the last thing we need is a retarded Titan throwing a hissy fit every time it gets confused."

Me and Armin both sink back in our chairs whilst Eren stays defiantely still.

"What are you suggesting, _sir_? That I just accept that as the way things are and move on? I can't do that, I have to keep fighting." Eren says, chin jutting out a bit with his pride. A flash passes over Levi's eyes for a moment and I swallow, this would not be pretty. But when the smirk appears I genuinely fear for Eren's life.

"You have to keep fighting?" the captain repeats slowly, the key still turning in his hands as Eren nods and grits his teeth.

"Yes."

"Oh... that's what you were doing just now? Looked a lot more like throwing in the towel. Or indeed the key..." the Captain murmurs as he chucks the key back, I watch it hit against Eren's chest and then plop into his lap. The boy wavers before the man. "It's no longer your right to throw that hope away, brat. Too many people look at that stupid key and see the means to save our shitty world. Don't go thinking you're allowed to do anything _but_ fight as hard as you fucking can."

"Sir..." Eren starts, but a click from Levi's tongue silences him.

"Just do us all a favour and don't fuck it up again?" the Captain wrinkles his nose and shakes his head. Eren frowns. In fact I think we all do.

"What? What did I fuck up?" he looks to me and Armin, but we are in no way helpful. I glance at Levi again and see another flash light his eyes, only this time it seems like a personal one.

Shit.

The Captain leans forward just a little, but he might as well have drawn a blade and held it to Eren's throat the way Eren sits back the same amount. The gloom of the tent seems to darken tenfold, and its as if I can hear nothing of the outside world.

"You fucked up the second you exhausted yourself to the point that you couldn't even defend this base, let alone Rob-" he stops to clear his throat and I bite my lip. "Let alone yourself. Had you followed orders then you might have been more use than a fucking spoon." he snarls, voice so quiet that I am immediately reminded of how terrifying the love of my life could be.

"But sir I only-"

"You let your pride almost cost everything!" Levi suddenly yells, and I stand to put a hand on his shoulder, which he promptly shrugs off but he has at least receded a step.

"Levi please..." I implore, but he just jabs an accusing finger at Eren who stares in slight disbelief at these words. Perhaps having not considered that even having been an issue, but apparently the Captain thought it was.

"He made me a god damned promise, and I expect it to be honoured." Levi growls, reining himself back as usual, burying the rage back down deep. Whilst I don't know exactly what my Captain is talking about I can only guess it's to do with my stupid self.

"I'm sure Eren intends to keep it... whatever it is." I say with a small shrug, and Levi sighs, taking a step back.

"Actions speak a lot louder than words, Sanshi." and then Levi clears his throat again and looks to me properly. "Erwin wants to question her again... we should get something to eat before we head back over. We need to strike the bitch whilst the iron is hot." he nods and then walks away, stiff in his stride, leaving the tent flap swaying as he goes. For a couple seconds I just let the silence hang there, the only noise being the gently slither of material on material.

"Eren I-"

"He's right Robyn. I was an idiot. I could have gotten a lot of people hurt because I didn't do as I was told... because of pride." he mutters, putting the key back around his neck and then laying down properly. "I think I'll get some rest guys."

"Okay... rest well..." I head for the door, pausing to look back, hating the way he stares down at the mattress, defeatedly deflated. "Can't remember if I said yet or not, but thank you Eren. Whatever else you, or Levi, think you did wrong, you still saved my life." I smile and walk away before he can blush or refute.

Once again the blinding sunshine makes me stagger a little, but it really wasn't hard to tell which way my Captain had gone; a wake of space left behind. It seemed to the world was intent on reminding him of how small he was; no pun intended. I head over and enter the make-shift coffee tent with a small moment of hesitation. I can't help but wonder if he would prefer not to see me, yet another reminder of those dark six months as this mess swirls around in his troubled mind.

"Am I really that terrifying?" he muses through the tent, and I smirk and roll my eyes as I go through, glad to see that secret smile flash into view for me for a moment before vanishing.

"Guess you're not so bad in this light." I chuckle and accept the steaming coffee and draw it in deeply. "Feeling any better, Captain?" I ask quietly, taking note of the way his brow furrows momentarily as my use of his title.

"I meant what I said Robyn, he's still accountable even if he is your little friend or pet. I'm still Captain as you say." he takes a long sip before leading the way through to where they were serving up the food.

"I realise that but don't you think you were being a bit harsh?" I grab a tray of food and sit down, finding that damned smirk tantalisingly confusing. "What's that look for?"

"Would you be any less harsh with someone if they had done something that pretty directly landed me in harms way?" his brow raises slightly, and dammit I can't help the blush that blossoms to burn at my cheeks.

"That's..."

"No different." he finishes with that smirk before falling back into his usual stoic expression. "Me and Erwin made good headway towards breaking her down. Hopefully this time we get further... but if she brings that shit up again just hit her Robyn. Don't let her under your skin..." he says, voice dipping. I take a chance and put a hand over his for a moment, public settings always making me wary of outright affection. That line remained a little blurred to me.

"I won't, Levi. I promise." I smile and he nods before going back to his food. "So what got you so tense before? I know you're mad at him but... I dunno it seemed too much to just be Eren." I nibble on my ration of bread; not really feeling hungry but not wanting to risk being caught weakened right now. Levi chews slowly, his eyes casting around every now and then. There was definitely something off.

"Levi?"

"I reckon there will be someone coming for her." he says, and my mouth feels very dry at the thought. My own eyes cast around, as though Valarie's henchmen would be somehow sat casually amongst us. Ridiculous. Then Sarah's face flashes into my mind, and I recoil a little. Paranoia was threatening to take hold. A hand takes mine, and I find solace in his eyes; together, we could do this together.

"Any reason in particular you think that?" I whisper.

"Nothing more than a hunch really, but she seems too far up the food chain to be abandoned when her plans go awry." he takes another long sip of coffee, hand leaving mine. "And considering the fact we have already found some fanatical brats here anyway..."

"We should keep a close eye on her." I agree, and he nods, brow still furrowed.

"I just don't understand how they can warp their heads that much... well... without the more pressing techniques." he rumbles without a flinch despite the fact I'm sure horrific images just came back to him. How long ago was it that Levi openly reacted to things still, allowed himself to wince and cringe at the awful things in this world? In some ways I'm very glad to have not known him then, to not have that to miss. But then again, a younger Levi would be fascinating to know, to see, to learn from.

An idea bubbles into my head.

"Unless..." I mutter, and those eyes swivel up to me again as he eats. How badly had he squinted the first time he was introduced to the sunlight of our world? What had he been told of the surface during his childhood in the shadows? His past had never really bothered me, and he had never seem overly keen on discussing it, and therefore I had never asked. But I knew he came from the Underground. I knew he had risen up and escaped from hell.

"Unless?" he presses, and I lick my lips, leaning in a little.

"Unless they're taking them from the underground?" I suggest quietly and he swallows, that fraction of a second showing a hint of pain in his eyes. The armour was thick, but for me it did occasionally crack. I still can't figure out if that's ultimately good or bad.

"Go on..." he says unenthusiastically.

"Well think about it, how many kids down there have no more than stories to go on about our world above them? A nice lady turns up in a cape of gleaming white, offers food and shelter, throws in the promise of sunshine whilst whispering nonsensical fanatical bullshit..."

"They would believe almost anything." he nods, looking a little sick at the idea of such a thing. "Perhaps we should make a visit there once back in the walls." he doesn't look happy about it, but I can only imagine the bad memories that linger in that dark place for him.

"You think Erwin would sanction that?" I know the history there is a little clouded between Captain and Commander, but as that smirk appears again I know its well buried between them.

"I doubt Erwin worries about me making a break for it any more. And if it'll garner some answers he'll be pretty keen."

"Perhaps we could mention it to her? See if we can get a reaction or something?" I suggest and whilst he agrees I can see something behind his eyes.

"All right... seems we have a plan. But Robyn please... just don't let the shadows back in. Not when we've been doing so well to get rid of them." he murmurs, eyes fixed on my hands, the same hands I used to scrub at till they were raw. I move them to rest on my lap. He looks up and clears his throat. "Sorry."

"Don't apologise for caring about me, Levi." I smile, and that downcast nature to him is soon gone again. I sip my coffee and look at my hands, clean despite the wear and tear of this outside world. "You've already cleaned me up pretty good... not entirely surprising considering your affinity for cleanliness."

"Brat..." he rumbles and I just simper and continue eating as a more pleasant quiet settles over us.

Other cadets come and go, and whilst I know they're looking at us, I don't mind for the sake of my privacy, but instead because I wonder why they're looking. Is it to idly gossip once meeting up with their friends again, or to devise a way to kill us both, to bring down the scouts, to end all of this. I eat about half my meal, the whirlwind of my imagination rather putting me off my food.

"You ready to head back and see how she reacts to Underground talk?" Levi sits back and smooths his hair as he does so. I push my tray aside and nod, thankfully he doesn't comment on the remaining food, a little left on his tray as well. It was so irritating how in times of stress when you needed the most nutrition, our bodies seemed intent on starving us.

As we head back I see the door to Eren's tent is gently swaying in the breeze and I can only guess that he has decided to obtain the answers himself. Levi wouldn't like it, but really he couldn't complain much either; it had been him to tell Eren to stop wallowing. I can hear the low rumble of Erwin's voice before I see him appear through Valarie's makeshift cell's door-flap with Eren in tow, Armin soon following as well. My pace quickens and so does Levi's as it becomes clear Erwin is annoyed.

"Enough Jaeger, go and rest. Consider that a direct order." the set line of the Commander's lips leaves no room for argument, at least to any normal person or obedient cadet. Then again me and Eren had always shared an issue with registering that line. Eren shakes his head, looking desperate whilst Armin approaches Erwin with his diplomatic expression in place.

"Commander please excuse us, Eren just-"

"The time for you providing Jeager with excuses has long come and gone, Artlet." Erwin interrupts with a stern look to accompany the tone of respect. "Kindly allow him to explain his behaviour alone, or to simply do as he is bid by his commanding officer."

"Sir, please." pipes up Eren, and fresh irritation appears on Erwin's face at the lacking submission from the cadet. "What if that woman knows what's in the basement?" and whilst I can see where Eren is aiming with such a stupid suggestion, I know Erwin's curiosity wouldn't outweigh his reasoning to that extent.

"I hope you're not actually stupid enough to think that is the case, brat." sighs Levi, and Eren spins round in surprise, a blush appearing on his cheeks seconds later.

"You never know, sir! And surely it would be good to know where my father actually is? She might tell me." he reasons, and I cringe as I realise that may well be the case because the truth would likely be very painful. The woman seemed to thrive on cruelty. My eyes meet Erwin's and immediately I know we're on the same page. Dammit Eren you masochist – my own medicine has a bastard of a sting. The Commander nods to me and I place a hand on Eren's shoulder, my expression probably confusing to him.

"Whatever she says to you, Eren... just try to stay calm all right? She might use the truth to wound you but keep in mind that lies are her speciality." I say gently. I can see the reservation creep into him, but he stays firm and just nods in agreement. I knew he could do this, I just wasn't totally convinced he should. I lead him inside and approach the woman in question. Her eyes crinkle with a sneer upon seeing my return.

"Dearest Robyn, how wonderful to see you again. Here I was thinking-"

"Shut up you pompous hagshite." I groan and watch the irritation pass over her. Small victories. I then look to Eren with a small smile and then back to her with contempt. "This man shouldn't really need introduction but considering how far up your own ass you have shoved your head, I'll go ahead anyway. This is Eren Jeager, you may also know his work as the Rogue Titan?" I say with a small tilt of my head, the realisation melting over her expression and spluttering into terror soon after. Presumably his newfound controlling abilities worried her; that could only be a good thing for us.

"Where is my father?" he dives right in, and I feel like the whole room just held their breath simultaneously. I can't read her expression to be perfectly honest, but I can tell she is scared, perhaps too scared to lie? One can only hope. Eren's shoulder tenses and he repeats himself, making the fowl excuse of a woman recoil.

"He..." her voice is small. "He's gone."

Suddenly Eren's jolts forward.

"Speak plainly! Gone where? When? With who?!" he yells with fists clenched by his side, attempting to keep a lid on things I think. I glance at Erwin and Levi, but they don't look too concerned, in fact I don't think they would mind at all if Eren gave the woman a good kicking.

"Dead." she spits out, "He's dead you fools!" she snaps, a tear escaping as fear seems to fill her. Surely she can't hope for a good reaction, and as the room goes densely silent, she shakes her head and bares her teeth. "How can you be this ignorant whilst surviving so long! My gods you should have been obliterated years ago, decades even!" her chains rattle as she pulls against them, becoming manic.

But I'm not looking at her any more.

I'm too focused on Eren right now, wondering what was going on in that head as he remains looming towards her, but otherwise completely still. I knew he had a hard-set hate for his father, but that didn't stop that kind of news knocking someone flat. But now she had seen his pain, now Valarie can see how the news has struck a chord in him as Eren stares at the tent wall. Robbed of closure, of conclusion, of explanation; the world had once again taken something from him before he even knew to grab for it.

"How?" he gulps with a tremor running through his whole body. I look to our prisoner and feel cold as an odd looking sneer falls into place, warping with cruelty as she sees a fresh wound to open up for her to play with.

Dammit.

What now?

When she doesn't respond he straightens up a little and sets his jaw tighter.

"How did my father die?"

"You." she says slowly, lips seeming to drip with venom as that simple yet suddenly painful word comes rolling out to slam into our ears. You. Grisha had died because of Eren? Slowly laughter rises up from her and turns into a cold cackle as Eren looks like he might pass-out, puke, or both.

"Explain, wench." demands Erwin in a hollow growl.

"That's how the boy became a shifter, it's how everyone becomes a shifter you simpletons. He took little Eren to the outskirts of town one night, soon after the fall of Shiganshina I believe. Took him out there and—"

"Stop." I snap, feeling a sickeningly detailed tale about to unfold. It wasn't needed surely? But Eren shrugs my hand away, eyes shining and soon spilling over.

"No! Tell me, tell me now. I want to know god dammit." he says, voice thick and wavering. No one else interrupts, no one dares right now as this bloody massacre unfolds before us. Valarie sits up and smiles, teeth gleaming, making me understand a little more why her Titan form had such razor like fangs. She was a beastly bitch.

"When you were a boy, he found you in one of those filthy little refugee camps, took you into the woods on the edge of town and then made his deal with the devil." she chuckles again and licks her lips. "He pinned you down, squirming and complaining as all children do. He took out the syringe, and plunged it into you, injecting the serum and watching you transform into the hideous creature he had intended." Her voice seems to linger in the air like a stench, and I watch Eren look to Armin in open alarm. They share a look that speaks very loudly; at some point Eren had spoken to his friend about a dream to the same affect? Something he had pushed aside as a nightmare instead of memory? Armin looks completely frozen.

Valarie continues, pleasure rolling off her as she watches the young man before her be torn apart word by word.

"You turned almost instantly, born to it obviously. You grinned down at him like all those inane beasts out there, and you ate him. You gobbled your father whole, drooling the whole time and grunting as he slid down your gullet to complete the transfer of power." she snorts. "I think you even burped for good measure."

"H-How do you know these kind of details?" Armin stammers in a flimsy voice and once again her thin lips stretch into a sneer, her eyes not leaving Eren for a second.

"We had been intending on capturing Grisha that night, but unfortunately it all happened too fast. It was over in the blink of an eye, a big bulbous Titan one for that matter." she replies, sending another shiver through Eren. He goes rigid before he lunges for a bucket and promptly, and understandably, vomits.

But I can't accept this outright, not so easily. Her eyes linger on me now, seeing the challenge in my disbelief but apparently not surprised by it.

"Why not take Eren instead once this had all happened? Why let him go back into the camp and live out his life? It doesn't make sense." I keep shaking my head, Armin moving across to help Eren as best he can. Valarie tilts her head at me, and I wonder how soon we can actually kill her; the bitch was enjoying this too much.

"We had the vague hope that he might turn when back there and kill some rats for us. No such luck unfortunately." she sighs, the sound of Eren's dry heaving making me feel a little nauseous myself.

"You're fucking sick." I hiss, and again she laughs.

"I'm not the one who ate their own father." she cackles away, earning a fresh wave of gagging from her victim. Finally Levi speaks up, stepping forward and making the cold coils of laughter slow to a stop.

"So you've been trying to make shifting permanent without having to sacrifice someone?" he speaks loudly, and I wonder if its to allow Eren some privacy, or to save himself the noise of someone vomiting. Either way I was grateful.

"Not just someone, it has to be another shifter." she tuts and slowly Eren manages to straighten up again, trembling. "Seems Papa Jeager left a lot out before hurtling from this world. Unfortunately we didn't anticipate his son acquiring the controlling ability."

"Seems you lot are experts at underestimating people." mutters Levi and finally that breaks her smug expression, a prideful pout taking its place. "All right, now that story time is over. Do you know what is in Jeager's basement?" he asks, and I know its just an act of kindness. We want to know about the Underground, but right now that could wait, right now we had a rather more pressing issue. Our resident shifter, and supposed Hope for Humanity was hanging by a thread. Eren looks over with wide, pink-rimmed eyes. But Valarie just shrugs, and I feel another weight pressed onto Eren's hunched shoulders.

"Haven't a clue, hence another reason we tried to relieve you of the boy." she says with an almost bored look. I head over to Eren, take his other arm and wrap it over my shoulder. I hear a bark of a laugh leave Valarie. "Don't pretend this doesn't change how you look at him."

"It doesn't." I say plainly, squeezing the cold hand in my grasp. She laughs again.

"He's a monster, and you know it Robyn. You know what he's done now."

"He's not the one who actively participated in my torture and set their dogs on a prisoner whilst making the man who loves her watch." I hiss back, and that expression turns icy. "Don't be thinking you're any better than anyone in this tent _Valarie._ You're the most wretched of us all. For the first moment I have to consider some truth to you being my father's sister. He was a pro at sickening cruelty and demented self praise as well." I snarl before helping Armin get Eren out of there.

With every staggered step we hear Eren muttering under his breath, breaking our hearts with every whispered word. ' _I'm sorry', 'kill me', 'Mum...', 'what have I done?'_ . Round and round it goes in a loop, his eyes unblinking as he stares ahead with a complexion more befitting a corpse.

We get him across the compound, but as we head inside his tent, a small cry of Eren's name makes all three of us flinch. Mikasa. Eren jolts again, clamping a hand over his mouth as he hears his adopted sister rush over, concerned over his ragged appearance no doubt. His eyes stare ahead intensely as though willing the earth to swallow him whole.

"Armin, talk to her." I murmur, taking more of Eren's weight and moving him inside whilst Armin hopefully calms Mikasa down, to then explain what had happened and then likely try to calm her down all over again. I get Eren to bed and pass him a bucket just in case.

The murmuring continues.

For a few minutes I just let him do it, knowing that there was no proper way to deal with these things. There was no rulebook on how to deal with knowing you had not only killed your own father, but eaten him. I shiver as I consider the fact Eren clearly remembered something about that night, and I just hope this wasn't the last thread to break and let him completely unravel.

He dry heaves a little more, but eventually that calms to nothing more than heavy breathing and he is able to take a few sips from the water I offer. I wipe a few trickles away from his chin and set the cup back down. I don't think he's blinked yet.

"Eren please... even if it is all true, which it probably isn't, it's wasn't your doing. It's wasn't your choice." I go to stroke his hair back from the cold sweat on his forehead, but he cringes away with a violent shake of his head. "Eren? Did I-"

"Just... j-just leave... p-please Robyn." he stammers, looking so small it hurts my heart. Was this how I looked to him that night he found me screaming into the dark? Small, pale, frightened and trembling as my lips quivered with withheld shrieks. I hope not because this is too awful. I can't leave him. Despite his words, and despite the pleading tone, I cannot do that right now, not a chance. I sigh and get up, but instead of walking away as he intended, I move forward and sit on bed by his side. Again he flinches in retreat, the voices of his childhood friends outside warbling through the tent material, but I stay put.

"Eren, I'm not leaving."

"R-Robyn jus-"

"Please stop flinching away from me." I continue gently, coaxing him through my words. "I'm staying right here until you look me in the eye and accept that you are not a bad person, not a monster, not a murderer, and certainly not culpable for this." I speak as gently as I can whilst remaining stern enough to let him know I was serious. I wasn't letting him get away with this guilt. I was not about to abandon him now, not when he had stuck it out for me for all those months, saving me so many times when the shadows loomed so high. As my words reach his unwilling ears he swallows hard, and shakes his head still. This would be an uphill battle, that was for sure.

"Eren, look at me." I say, reaching and gripping hand tight, squeezing hard as he wriggles, trying to get away from me still.

"Robyn, don't!"

"Eren stop trying to push me away, it isn't going to work." I say, squeezing again and refusing to waver.

"How can you stand to be near me? Let alone touch me. I ate my own father!" he cries brokenly, eyes watering all over again as this nightmare refuses to end. I stay quiet, letting him breathe a bit before responding. First of all I tug him into a hug, he fights me at first but I just stay there, letting him struggle and bruise me until finally he just slumps into my affection and takes it with a small whimper.

"No Eren, no _you_ didn't."

"But..."

"The Titan your father turned you into did, the Titan form your father _forced_ you into did. This is not some heinous crime you have committed, this is your father having basically committed suicide and turned you into the sword to fall on." I keep my voice as level as possible, but frankly it wavers out of sheer anger at the unabashed selfishness of Grisha Jeager. Eren breathes deep and slow, hiccuping every now and then whilst the shivers lessen a little. I stroke a hand through his hair, listening to his breathing and the gradual slowing of his heart. I don't if it's been five minutes or an hour, but finally when I lean back those green eyes move towards me and don't immediately look away when meeting mine. They waver, but they do not flee.

That's it Eren.

Come back.

Come back to me.

"You really..." he swallows and clears his throat. "You really don't think I'm a monster? Not even a little?" he looks up in uncertainty, watching my lips instead of my eyes. It was an improvement I suppose. I sit back and take his hands again.

"We all have a little bit of monster in us Eren, comes with being a Scout."

He almost smiles.

"Not to mention I ripped my father's jugular vein open with my teeth without any serum having been near me. So I'm afraid resident monster is probably already taken by yours truly." I wink when he blushes a little, bottom lip worried by his teeth. I tap his chin and finally meet those eyes as I speak, willing the words to sink into him.

"Robyn... I..." but I silence him with a shake of my head.

"You're Eren Jeager; the Rouge Titan, the man who has helped save countless lives, and mine, many times over. You're a fierce friend to many, and a son that Carla Jeager would be proud of. Don't let one man's selfishness ruin that." I lean in and gently kiss his cheek. "I know it's going to take time Eren, but please remember all of the people who love you. And yes, we still do." I add before he can argue anything.

It's probably another long ten minutes or so before Eren looks up as the tent's door flaps open. Mikasa stands there staring for a few seconds, the edges of her eyes pink as well but I feel confident that those tears were not shed for Grisha, but rather the son he had left behind.

"Eren..." she sniffs and staggers forward a little. He gulps and opens his arms to her, a small whimper escaping as she falls into them gladly. They hold each other, and he glances my way with a grateful smile appearing for a moment before faltering again.

I take my leave and smile encouragingly at Armin outside before heading for the tent where I see Levi stood talking with Erwin. Both men look sombre as I approach and not much changes once they spot me.

"How's Jeager doing?" Levi asks, stepping away from Erwin, trying to hide the blood on his cuff; apparently his patience had finally given in. Good.

"He's okay, getting there I think." I nod and see both men slightly relieved. "Mikasa and Armin are with him now." I shrug and look to Erwin, his gaze having moved towards the compounds gates.

"Levi... I think you and Sanshi should take the night watch for our guest." he murmurs gently, and Levi agrees but I can't avoid spotting that look they both have. They want this to be bloody, I think they both thirst for revenge. It was good to know that not all the superiors were above bloodlust.

Tonight we might catch some rats.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading, I hope it was worth the wait, see you in two weeks, possibly less if I get impatient. Which I very well might because I have LOVED writing these new sections.**

 **SHOUTOUTS!**

 **Sebastian: I am so glad you're still here! I was worried I had lost you due to my tardiness! I hope these more frequent updates start to make up for that. Thanks for sticking with me, you're brilliant :)**

 **UmbreonGurl: I had an absolute blast, thank you so much! Hope you enjoyed the longer chapter and that it was worth the wait, see you next time.**

 **BookNerd123: Robyn certainly has spunk haha, thank you so much for the praise and I'm glad you like her as a character, I am very pleased with her so far. Thrilled to know you've read my other stuff as well, always great to know people have tried the others and still enjoyed! Hope you're still enjoying!**


	40. Count to Ten

**Hello again my lovely readers, as promised here is a more frequent update for you! Just over a week, but I thought bugger it, I will treat them as penance for my rather shocking 'schedule' otherwise in the past wee while. So yay, more updates for you i suppose! For now haha, no guarantees as I cannot stand to disappoint people again.**

 **Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT**

 **Note: Ongoing warning about potential manga spoilers.**

* * *

Once the sun had set and the compound was alight with lanterns the call for duty change sounded. Show time. Me and Levi look at each other as we shrug on our uniform coats and we share an odd smile, we could do this together. I then go to him and place my head on his chest for a second, breathing deep as he rests his hands on the small of my back. It could be nothing, it could easily turn out to be some random lackies that I never even seen before. But something in my gut tells me otherwise. Over and over I have tried to imagine what I might do if faced with those beasts again, but mainly its him I fear. I like to think that I'd stand tall, I'd threaten him, I'd snarl and attack without hesitation or fear. But really I am clueless. I swallow hard, still not quite managing to picture myself standing in front of that animal that loomed over me, held my legs apart and-

"Come on, Sanshi, let's get to work." the voice of Levi cuts in, softly murmuring against my hair and then lightly kissing. I nod and look up at him, smiling softly before giving a quick peck on the lips, jumping back and heading out the door. The air is cooling down now, and as the clouds dissipate I think we're in for a long clear night. Could be kinda cold.

We relieve the tired looking guards and collect our flasks of coffee and such. As Valarie had been fed for the day, she was now gagged for the night. In one way I was glad to be freed of her poisoned lies, but also wondering if we could have got more information out of her. Then again it could just be more lies.

The coffee gently steams in my cup as I sit with Levi across from the cell, her stare burning over at us but neither of us reacting. I have my gear on, and with every soft clank of the blades as I shift my weight I feel thirstier. I know the information we can still gather is potentially invaluable, but my god do I want to kill her. My god do I also want some revenge to gush over my blade and sink into the dirt beneath our feet.

"Keep it together, Sanshi." I hear my Captain'ce voice, blinking as I come back to my senses and look away from our prisoner. Apparently I had turned to glare back at some point, probably looking deranged as I salivate over the image of her gasping lips overflowing with her own blood.

"Sorry, sir." I sit back and take a long sip of my coffee, sighing at the warmth, the outside temperature sinking with every passing minute. "How long has it been now?"

"About an hour since lights out was called. I reckon it could be any time from now." He mutters back and I nod, glad to see that momentary look of confusion and worry pass over that bitter face across the way. She had only half heard, but now she had to worry that we knew about her cavalry incoming. Oh yeah bitch, we know about it all right. But then she just shakes her head a little, to herself more than us, and sighs into a yawn behind her gag. I think she was arrogant enough to assume she misheard.

I looked forward to proving her wrong.

I looked forward to pulling her apart.

How many times had she ordered her men to lash me for no reason, how many pints of my blood had she frivolously thrown to the stone floor for the sheer fun of it. Really she was getting off lightly. For now at least. There was no telling what Erwin might allow me and Levi to do to the wench once we had sucked her dry of information. After that? The Commander wouldn't likely give a hoot. I recall his voice when he found me in the cell, how he cursed those responsible and then begged me to pull through as he carried me to safety. Nah, I reckon Erwin Smith might want a go at this bitch himself.

I smile.

Another hour or so passes by and we drink another round of coffee over cards. Surprisingly enough we're quite evenly matched, and I see that flicker of irritation on Levi's face occasionally, he had apparently underestimated my skill with the gambling game. I wonder how often he forgets that I also lived on the streets for a long time. A gentle snore catches my attention and I look over, the woman apparently having dozed off. I assume it's an act to make us relaxed, but then again that could well be me giving her way too much credit. It was an easy thing to assume someone was superior when you yourself are bound and gagged.

I sigh and look to Levi, his eyes now fixed on the steam rising from his coffee as his mind whirred away. He hadn't said anything so far, but how much was this situation messing with his head? This woman had put him through hell, and not only that but using my image to do it. This can't have been pleasant.

I'm about to ask him about it when I hear a rustle outside.

And then another.

I sit bolt upright and place a hand on the cold hilt of a blade, the metal smooth under my touch as I hold my breath. Levi has a hand on my shoulder, but I hear the slight clack of his own blade being readied. I glance at Valarie but she hasn't reacted at all, still 'sleeping'. A shadow moves behind her and I nod to Levi, it was clear they planned to cut a hole in the tent and drag her backwards. Presumably hoping to avoid confrontation entirely. No such luck you fucking cowards. This was why we had the lanterns down so low on our side of the tent, with the bright moon outside, they wouldn't likely be able to see much of our shadows movements.

Without a single noise between us, Levi and I sneak over, watching as a sharp blade sinks through the tent fabric with only the smallest of crackles as the fibres were cut away. We exchange an impressed, though amused, look as the careful work continues, the gentle 'snores' from our prisoner conveniently covering the to and fro of the knife. Had we not been so alert and expectant we could have easily missed this whole thing. The hole is almost big enough now and Levi gets ready to grab the 'rescuer' and drag them inside whilst I slip through the newly made flap to deal with the other bastard. We had discussed this earlier and agreed it would be likely to only be a party of two as that would avoid a noticeable number when sneaking through the compound.

The knife recedes.

I roll my shoulders as Levi bends down a little, a pair of hands slowly appearing and reaching for little miss sleeping beauty. A little more, just a little more. They reach further and further till their head pops in and everything changes before they can even squeak. For a split second I register the abstract look of horror before there's a strangled yelp and the first perpetrator is dragged inside whilst I dive back out.

In one fluid movement I am lunging at the second figure, colliding and pinning them to the compound's dirt instantly. The momentum whacks their head off the ground and removes their hood as well; making we freeze as recognition sends cold slices down my spine to burn dully between my legs. Sh-shit no. My mouth is dry despite my want to scream, and my hands shake as I hold the bastard down. I hear the slight struggle inside before Levi gives a click of his tongue and I hear chains clanking into place. But I myself can't move, I can barely think outside of the terror drowning me.

It's him.

It's really him.

Pain slices into my side and wakes me from my frozen terror, giving fresh vigour to my grip as I choke him. His stubble is itchy under my hand, his struggles almost dismounting me at first, but now weakening as the beast in me is woken. I feel the cold mud underneath us and swallow as bile rises in my throat, eyes burning with tears as I stare at him like I did back then. He's trying to say something, those greasy lips gasping as his complexion turns purple. The mud sticks to my skin, seeming to swirl and become those clambering hands all over again, hands that hold you down and make you submit. I let out a strange sob, rattling out of me as I feel tears roll down my face, eyes unable to blink as I watch the animal wither under me.

" _I told you you'd better kill me_..." I hiss thinly, voice broken with the need to shriek in the continuing fear that is turning my veins to ice. Good god please make this end, make the death of this fucking animal stop it all in its tracks? The shame, the guilt, the nightmares, the sense of forever being unclean. D-Dammit make it stop?

"You got yours, Sanshi?" I vaguely hear from the tent before there's a shuffling noise, panicked words and forceful hands wrangling me back and shoving me away. In my haze of fury I try to get back there, but the wind leaves me as the pain in my side flares anew, sending me to my knees. Ow. And yet all I can see are those eyes, watery and staring, haunting me despite the fact I was sure I was awake.

"Make... make it stop..." I murmur to nothing and no one, nails digging into the dirt and clinging to the cold therein.

"Robyn? Robyn, can you hear me?" I can hear him Levi, but it's like my whole body is caked in that suffocating mud, turning it all to echoing mumbling. I can't move. Another sob escapes me and I shudder. Of all the possible reactions to seeing that shithead again I can't deny that this was one I contemplated, but not for long, I had the delusion that I would be strong enough to face him with dignity. Apparently not. "Come on Robyn, please. I need to get you to Hanji. Look at me." I blink, the worried pleading to his voice breaking through the fog.

"L-Levi..." I squeak, and he sighs gladly, hands squeezing my shoulders gently.

"You're back. Can you stand?" His voice is gentle, treating me like glass. Perhaps I am more delicate than I like to think – my whole body, mind and bruised soil cringing at such a thought. Fuck that. Delicate my arse. I'm not about to let this brute turn me into a china doll. I nod to Levi and get up, a wince making him look unsure and making me wonder what had actually happened. I don't remember anything but that pinch of pain at my side, but when looking down I see a small blade handle sticking out.

"Oh..." I murmur, hand going to pull it free until Levi slaps my hand away.

"It's the only thing stopping you from bleeding out right now, just take it slow okay? Lean on me." he offers an arm and I glance inside to where a couple cadets have taken over for now. I take his arm and we start across the compound once again.

"Thanks..." I whisper, focusing on one foot in front of the other, the odd tugging sensation on my side making me feel a little queasy. Unless it was blood-loss? At this point I really don't fucking know. Levi squeezes my hand.

"I think I know the answer but... I have to ask Robyn. Is he one of the ones that-"

"Yes." I blurt out louder than I meant to, lips quivering as I taste that bitter confirmation. I swallow and hold onto him a bit tighter. "He... he was the one that actually... I mean he... I..."

"It's okay Robyn, I understand." Levi breathes, his hold tightening as well as he tends to his temper. But he's still there, still helping me, still holding me up. Would he ever not have to do that? "He's in chains now, he can't hurt you any more."

Whilst my head is in a mess, heart is shuddering and body is aching with disgusting memories, I smile softly. My Levi. I then glance back to the tent and bite my lip.

"Can I hurt him though?" I whisper, and frankly he doesn't miss a beat. Levi steps inside our tent, kisses me hard and puts his forehead to mine. The bubble reseals and I breathe him in, his safety, his strength, his simple presence is making this easier to bear. Now he isn't on the other side of cold bars, now he's holding me.

"As far as I'm concerned Robyn, you can tear that piece of shit apart. I only got you away from him because I saw your injury, and I know we have to question him still. We have to at least try to make use of his sorry ass. Otherwise I'd have let you just go for it... I'm sorry I had to intervene." He says before kissing me again and then leading me to the bed to gently lay me down. "You really must have frozen up for him to manage this... bastard." he sighs, barely touching it but making me wince and give a soft cry of pain. I really miss that numbing adrenaline roundabout now.

"Ow."

"No shit." he rolls his eyes. "Stay here and I'll get Shitty-Glasses." he strokes my hair back and again I smile.

"Maybe just call her Hanji as you're w-waking her in the middle of the night to once again patch m-me up?" I suggest and I get to see that rare and wonderful smile.

"I'll give it my best shot, Sanshi."

"Th-thanks, Captain." I grin and take a deep breath, damn this stung a bit.

* * *

By morning I had been checked over and patched up yet again, unfortunately not being able to use more serum as I already had too much in my system. But the bleeding was well stemmed by the bandaging and stitches, as long as I didn't jostle about too much I was sure to be fine. At least that was Hanji's assessment. Therefore I was heading home in a wagon, and whilst I hated the idea, I really couldn't argue when that expression came onto Levi's face. I'd have had more luck arguing with a mountain that it needed to be a couple inches to the left.

I manage to walk about on my own for the most part, resting every now and then as I try to stay busy, try to distract myself from the fact that filthy animal was within reach. But it's damned difficult, my eyes constantly veering back to where all three were chained. Each time I have to stop, I have to stare as I count to ten and try to dissipate the gathered Sanshi rage. When the two men were taken in there just before dawn I saw the other man properly as I sat outside and got some fresh air. I recognised him as one of the ones that had held me down, a long scar on his throat where I managed to claw at him. Personally I held him just as accountable. Both men caught sight of me too; and I know which out of the three of us looked the most afraid, and it certainly wasn't me.

It takes most of the morning, but eventually the supplies are packed from around camp, and any remaining tents were to stay put anyway. The journey home would soon commence and with any luck the rain would soon stop as well. I look towards the gate and then back across the newly repaired wall; I hoped this place would still be here when we came back. It was nice to think of even a small slice of land being reclaimed, a tiny victory for us in itself. No wonder Valarie had attempted to thwart it.

I hadn't seen much of Eren yet, the light drizzle making most people dart from tent to tent to avoid getting too soaked before the journey had even begun. I just had to hope that Mikasa had managed to get through to him, to help him accept that he hadn't been to blame for his father's death. In many ways Eren was the victim. But along with that I hoped he hadn't heard about the commotion last night, or my dance with a stiletto blade. I wince a little and sigh as I watch everyone rushing about. I feel like a troublesome child. I was eager to be back at HQ though, where we could properly question Valarie and her lackies. And then have some real fun.

"Oi! Sanshi." I hear my Captain call as I head for our tent, still finding it a little odd when he used my second name, but understanding the occasional need for formality. It was also one of the few times I didn't hate hearing that word.

"Captain." I nod and take note of the quickness of his eyes as they check where the bandages lingered underneath my shirt. Ever the paranoidly caring lover.

"We're almost ready, you're going to behave right?" he narrows his eyes and I nod slowly, hand over heart. "Good, let us take care of things. I'll be in the squad looking out for trailing Titans, so I won't be nearby, but Glasses has promised to keep an eye on you." He says as he keeps glancing round the compound to check on progress. I roll my eyes and he flicks my forehead. It's not like I could do much like this anyway, then again it hadn't exactly ever stopped me before.

"I'll stay put, I promise." I smile, noticing the prisoners being moved to a more secure wagon. Their chains jangle dully and I set my jaw as I watch those three traipse along, filing into place. Their heads hang, but I know it isn't in shame or anything, it's simple self preservation. The sick bastards didn't know what remorse was.

But they would.

They would know it to their broken bones.

"Keep it together, Sanshi." Levi murmurs, hand grazing mine gently.

"Once we're back Levi... I get to-"

"You'll have every bit of revenge you want and deserve." he says with a momentary smile, hand grazing again in place of a kiss. "Now go and get in the wagon, lets get you home."

"Us." I remind promptly, and he chuckles before heading off.

As ordered I make my way for the wagon and clamber in, taking my time to avoid bursting any stitches. I keep looking up to that clearing sky and hoping for an easy journey without any company drooling after us. The rain was lessening at least, that boded well.

"How're you feeling?" Mikasa asks having appeared from fucking nowhere. I jolt and look over the side of the wagon at her, it doesn't look like she's had a hell of a lot of sleep. "Heard you had some trouble from that vile woman last night."

"Nothing we couldn't handle." I shrug, and Mikasa frowns.

"Evidently..." she sighs and shakes her head, eyes having done a similar check-up a la Captain Levi.

"Hey we got a couple more prisoners to question as well though." I nod, hoping to skip the reason I had actually been injured, seeing no point in upsetting her or indeed distracting her. "What about you though? And Eren... I haven't seen him this morning." I glance around even as I say it, but when looking back to her for answer I see the pain flashing across her features. "Sorry..."

"No it's... It's fine, Robyn."

"How is he doing then?" I repeat quietly, and she sniffs as her eyes glance over to the tent she had spent all night pacing.

"I just don't know how much more he can bear... how much more he can handle." She swallows and clears her throat. "He spoke so harshly about Dr Jeager before, about how his father had abandoned him, been a bastard, been cruel... and now? Now I don't think he knows how to feel, how to act. He has so much guilt, it's like he's drowning."

As she speaks I can see it all; the love, devotion and worry. I reach down and take her hand, which thankfully she responds to by gripping back tightly.

"Is he coming back in the wagon?" I can't keep the hope from my voice as I would rather keep an eye on him for the journey, but her dark eyes remain sad as she shakes her head yet again.

"He's refusing to not be on an active squad." she groans, tucking the scarf closer as the wind picks up a little. I frown.

"But has he actually recovered enough to do th-"

"I've tried everything, Robyn." She snaps and I flinch back from her impatience. Another sigh slips past her worry chapped lips before she squeezes my hand again and lets go. "Sorry I... I haven't slept much."

"Are you all right for the ride back?" I bite my lip but she nods, no room for argument in the harsh expression that clouds over.

"I'm not letting him out of my sight."

"Good..." I murmur, feeling like there were more words brimmed on her tongue as her eyes flicker back up to me and I see anger there. Lots of anger.

"What happened last night, Robyn?"

"Well I-"

"We could have really used you on this ride back." She interrupts and I see it broiling just beneath the surface. She needed to vent, and unfortunately I was prime target. I try to think of how to explain it without getting to the unnecessary detail of those men being the ones who... who hurt me. I lick my lips and try to smile off-handily, but I don't think it works.

"I... well... I just got caught unaware by one of Valarie's would be rescuers." I explain, trying to wave it off, but her expression is wholly unconvinced. I grip the side of the wagon under that gaze, willing her to let this go before I had to explain and upset her further. Eren wasn't the only breakable one here. "Mikasa please-"

"But you knew they would come, Robyn."

"Yes but I just-"

"You need to stop being so reckless! The Captain berates Eren for being unable to help because of reckless behaviour and yet you're okay to do the same?" Her eyes start to shine; lack of sleep and over-abundance of frustration bubbling over. I don't want to say it, she isn't really mad at me, but now she's questioning Levi's choices as a leader and that isn't fair either. God dammit please someone make this stop.

"Mikasa I wasn't reckless, I just-"

"No! You're meant to help me look after him, you know how to predict Eren better than me. You _know_ for some reason when I don't. I can't lose him, and with you hurt, the chances of that only increase! Not only are you not there to help me, but you're likely distracting him as he worries for you in this fucking wagon. God dammit Robyn you need to be more careful!" Her voice wavers and gradually rises, a few people glancing over now, not often did they hear Mikasa speak at all, let alone yell. "A-And Levi needs to fucking back off, how can he justify such behaviour towards one soldier and not the other?"

"Levi was only trying to stop Eren pushing his abilit-"

"But how is that different?!" she cries.

"Because that isn't what happened with me."

"Then what _did_ happen?!"

"Mikasa please just calm down so I can-"

"What happened?!"

"It's nothing you need to worry about so just leave it!" I plead.

"No, fucking explain yourself Robyn. Now!"

"Mikasa just-"

"I just want a straight answer from someone!" she cries and I grit my teeth as my eyes feel warm, the words rising in my throat like bile and spilling over before I can hope to stop them.

"I got stabbed because I froze up like a god damned coward!"

There's a weird bubble around us, and I feel the many gazes on us as whispers pick up and float around. Dammit. All I can hope for right now is that neither Levi nor the Commander are around to berate her, this wasn't her fault. I glance up, seeing how she looks like she's about to keep pushing. But I can't let her. I suck in a breath and keep going, sick to my stomach as I say it aloud and make it all the more real.

"One of the lackies, the one I attacked and got stabbed by... he..."

"He what?" she breathes brokenly, confused and failing to tread water herself.

"He... he's the one that... when I was in captivity... the one that r... r-ra..." I can't say the word, it feeling like knives scraping at my throat and tongue. I lay my head against the wagon for a moment, panting as I try and catch a breath. "Mikasa I... I'm so sorry..."

Mikasa stands with wide eyes, a hand over her mouth and tremble to her frame.

I sniff and shake my head.

"Robyn..."

"I don't know why, but I just froze... I didn't even—" my words fall away as she reaches up and hugs me close, it's like before only this time she trembles like Eren. Shit. This was exactly what I didn't want to happen. God dammit Sanshi... "I'm sorry, Mikasa... I didn't want to upset you." I breathe shakily into her hair as I hug back.

"D-Don't be sorry, I... god dammit I just got so carried away. I should have realised." I just hold her and give small looks of assurance to those that still look our way occasionally. She was okay. But really I don't think she was, I think this entire regiment was teetering on the edge of snapping.

"Look lets just call it even okay? Or we'll be here all day apologising." I murmur, and she half-laughs, half-sobs in response. "We'll get Eren through this Mikasa, but don't forget about you okay?" I squeeze her and she nods as she lets go, wiping her eyes hurriedly on her scarf.

"Same t-to you. I... yeah, okay. E-Even." she nods, hiding into the red safety net.

"Go on, you better get in position." I nod, not quite meeting her eyes, always seeing it as a badge of shame that would never quite detach. I knew it was foolish to think in such a way, but when sat before a warrior like Mikasa I can't help it. This would never have happened to someone as strong as her. I was weak. I was feeble.

"I'll s-see you back at HQ. Stay safe." She smiles meekly before rushing off, the rain slowing to a final stop as she goes. I look up again and wait for my eyes to dry as I make a final plea to whatever was up there for an easy journey.

Surely we were owed a reprieve?

Orders start to reverberate around the compound and the formation gathers, the wagon shuffling into position. Despite the fact only a select few know about the prisoners, there is a distinct atmosphere clinging to everyone. They can tell something is amiss even if they don't know exactly what that something is. Erwin is making final checks, nodding to me with a momentary smile as he sees I'm wrapping my cape around me. Yes I am going to behave! I'll bet he's looking forward to getting back to Keza, and quite frankly I am too. I touch my side and wince, she was going to give me such a telling off though.

"Scouts! Prepare to move out!" Erwin bellows, sending a few birds into startled flight. I sit down and get comfortable as we start to trundle along, the gate soon passing over me and the trees taking its place. I snuggle into my cape and my eyes begin to droop with the familiar churn of hoof-beats and rattle of wagons. I was going home again.

It felt nice to think that.

It felt nice to know that.

My dreams are all fragmented and disjointed: from childhood to barren adolescence, to training and falling in the dirt. I always seem to land in the dirt. Eventually I settle on a weird memory from living on the streets: me and Keza sat under a small cafe in the city. It was Autumn time, the rain drizzled down noisily on the cobbles as people rushed past to more important things than two hungry orphans. At least I'm sure we looked hungry. The Café in question had previously had a rat issue, the owner having been despairing in the adjacent alleyway when we strolled by. Me and Keza had lived off rat meat for many a long dreary month, and were rather adept at catching the little blighters. I smile. We cleaned that basement out in no time, and instead of feasting on the rats like we had intended, the owner allowed us a couple nights stay in said basement, with full bellies and even some clean clothes. We lived like Queens for those few days. Most of the time we sat by the grate, watching the cobbles shine like silver when the moon danced across them, or gleam like gold when the sun ventured into view. It was strange seeing the busy world beyond and not having to scuttle out of its way, we rested well, and for the first time in months I saw Keza properly sleep.

"You think we'll ever be rushing around like that Numbnuts?" She mumbled through a mouthful of bread. I looked outside to where a lady merchant had just marched up to a broker and was striking a deal over her fabrics. I laughed.

"We already do, Keza."

"I don't mean out of the way of horse-shit... I mean going somewhere, to really do something... to meet someone." She wore a weird frown and I prodded it with a strangely clean finger. Her keen eyes darted to me and squinted. "What?"

"What's goin' on in that brain, Keza? You dreaming of Princes again?"

"Huh? What the heck is wrong with that? If I wanna imagine some tall blonde Princely guy coming to my rescue then fuck it Numbnuts I'm gonna... nothing but shit and dodging shit to think about otherwise." She took another rough bite of her bread and I nibbled on my own.

The idea of Princes was an odd one to me, in general I had feared men for a long time, my father having rather well infused said terror. But a genuine Prince? I laid my head on my arms and watched those busy feet stride past. My mother had spoken of such things when tucking me in on those rare nights that father was away. Those nights when he wasn't around to hurt us. I sigh.

"Yeah... I guess so... why blonde though?"

"Usually means money." Keza laughed with a shrug and I laughed with her.

Seconds later we watched that bold lady merchant slap the buggery out of her suggestive customer, and we laughed till our fed bellies ached. I smile and feel a little sun on my hands as I stretched them out the grate, snatching them back seconds later when another cart trundled past noisily.

In the street there's a commotion. A big commotion with the sounds of flares piercing the sky? I swallow and feel the basement shudder. This wasn't right.

I wake to panicked screams.

Why do I always wake to screams?

* * *

 **Yes I know, I am EVIL for cliffhangers!  
**

 **Hope you enjoyed, a more normal length of chapter this time round! Finally though we have the potential for some juicy revenge going on! Haha unless those screams mean something else? Hehe sorry I'll stop tormenting you now.**

 **Thank you so much for reading, leave a review, fav and or follow as I love to hear from you all, and I always endeavour to respond to every review I get! I also hope to see you next time!**

 **Shoutouts!**

 **Sebastian: You're a trooper and nothing less to be honest. And oh yes, be prepared for some bloody beatings, i reckon it will take a turn for the more fucked up again fairly sharply ;) bugger knows when this fic is gonna end tbh, like I said last time, I can up with a whole bunch of new ideas whilst away! Thanks for the review and continuing support!**

 **LillyManchester: Ya wee star. Glad to know you're all caught up now, haha although maybe not with this update. The permanent shifter thing is a concept from bugger knows how long ago haha so who knows where it came from in my brain. Mathias has his version of Robyn, but let's face it, Levi had her first! Glad you enjoyed, thanks for the review!**


	41. Selfish Prayers

**Hello hello hello! Gosh you're all quiet when I only give you a week or so right? Then again I'm sure everyone's busy with their summer plans - hope you're all having a blast! I'm waiting on finding out if I have a job 0_0 fingers crossed people!**

 **I decided to aim for another week or so update as I once again left everyone on a cliffhanger because I am of course a very evil author. Hope you enjoy! Please leave a review, fav and or follow, love to hear from you guys!**

 **Disclaimer: Still down't own AOT.**

 **Note: Manga sprinkled here, Manga sprinkled there but seriously in this one BIG thing from the manga. But hey ho that warning's been in place for a while now.**

* * *

I wake to panicked screams.

Why do I always wake to screams?

I sit up and look around blearily, rubbing my eyes as the commotion echoes around. We're on the plains now, on the homestretch as far as I can tell from the open sky above me and generally flat area around me. The formation was holding strong but black smoke drifts on the horizon lazily, only slightly visible now but still enough to make me shudder. Abnormal attack. Was Eren in his Titan form now? Was he even stable enough for that? I look around, wincing as the movement nips at my side, but I see no Rogue Titan or even Toothy. I shiver again and just hope that bitch hadn't managed to pull a fast one.

A couple riders are heading straight for me with yells refracting all over the place. Someone was injured, and it was someone important enough to bring to the front right away. I get some blankets together and clear the middle of the wagon, muttering selfish prayers under my breath as my shaking hands work.

"Please not Levi, please not Eren, please not Mikasa, please not Armin, please not Erwin, please not Han... oh god no... Erwin!" I yell as Levi rides into view with Erwin's horse in tow, the Commander holding onto the horse as best he can. He leans heavily against the animal's neck, blood flowing down to the ground below thick and fast. But from where? I can't see much with his cape all wrapped round him, but it looks bad whatever it is.

I stand and take the spare reins from Levi so he can help Erwin into the wagon without having the formation halt. Presumably the danger was not entirely dealt with. A few far off rolls of thunder make me shudder. There were more coming? A loud thud behind me signals victory but also Erwin's lagging strength, strained groans reaching my ears next. If a man like Erwin was openly admitting to being in pain, that wasn't a good sign.

"Bind his arm tight! I need to get back to stop panic spreading." My Captain yells before veering off back into the battle as I pass those spare reins to a nearby cadet, and turn to get to work on the fading figure of our Commander.

I'm no medic, but right now I'm all he's got.

Not good.

His face is badly cut at the top, blood spattering all across and down his throat, shirt torn and complexion paling. I've already removed my belt and pulled back his gore encrusted cloak, gaping for a moment at where his right arm used to be. In the next second I have the stump on my knee, wrapping the belt tight and pulling even tighter. I have never heard a man scream like that, and I have no wish to ever witness it again. I keep going, grabbing the rubbing alcohol and pouring it over, laying the arm down so I can get some morphine and water.

"Stay awake Erwin, j-just stay awake." I beg, trying to keep the unhelpful tears at bay. His breathing comes thick and fast, his other hand bunched in his cape as he tries his best to stop screaming. He's doing a damned sight better than I would. I move round and cradle his head in my lap, stroking his hair back as I reach for the water.

"Nngh.. y-yes m-ma'am." He growls between his teeth and I give a strangled laugh as I hold the flask to his bloody lips and gently tip the water in, wiping his chin carefully afterwards. I flinch as we hit a pothole, causing him to cry out, the driver to panic more, and me to hold my breath. The sound of flares pierce the air.

"Shit..."

"W-What's happening S-Sanshi?" Erwin rasps thinly and I look over my shoulder at the horizon, watching with trepidation as that formidable black smoke gets closer. My side burns a little as I consider what was heading our way.

"I... ab-abnormals sir, but the squads... they can handle this, this is what you trained us for." I say, giving him more water and then a couple drops of morphine, blood still escaping him despite the binding.

"And things... things w-were going s-so well." He coughs weakly and I nod, smiling down at him as I replace my lap with another folded cloak and then drape my cape over him. A sickening thunder broiling behind us, approaching fast as I tuck it into his sides.

God no.

I can't bring myself to look back, only able to look ahead to where the horizon shows the walls. My hands grip that cloak over him tighter. Not again, please not like this again. The thunder gets closer and I swallow hard, knowing I have to look, knowing I have to attempt to protect him as we were clearly not outrunning any bears any time soon. I turn and see the twelve metre monstrosity barrelling through the formation, most squads managing to dodge and give chase. Only we can't swerve like that, and the beast's next obstacle was us.

"Shit." I hiss, heart lurching into action as I duck down out of the way of the grabbing hand, warm air wooshing past and making my hair flail all over the place.

I reach desperately, clutching one of Erwin's blades fresh from the stack beside his leg and swing frantically at the other great paw comes at us. Steam billows all round us, and some hot gore slaps against me whilst my feral shriek rings out. Not again. The beast stumbles back in surprise, allowing the teams around us the chance they need to get at it's nape. I drop the blade and go back to Erwin, covering him with my body in case of more attacks, all the while trying to stop my hysteria getting the better of me. It was a very different thing to be out here in battle without my gear on, I felt so god damned vulnerable. I see more blood escaping as Erwin also feels panic. I swallow hard and grip the wound tight, meriting another roar of pain from my poor patient.

"I'm sorry Erwin..."

His only reply is another groan.

"Th-the walls are in sight though, no long, not long." I pant, repeating it more for myself as my terror only increases. In the field it wasn't often I felt afraid, but right now I really am losing it. Even with that little movement my stitches are blown and I feel warmth spread all across my middle. I swallow my cries as I feel his thready pulse under my hands.

"Y-You're doing... ad-admir-rably... as usual... R-Robyn." He wheezes and I just stare at those walls and will them to get closer. I demand that this world not allow me to let someone else slip through clawing fingers.

"Focus on staying awake E-Erwin, n-not placating my shit." I whimper, leaning back a little as the beast is felled with a loud thud and cheering behind us. As the light hits his face again I see him nod, but I also see that time is fast running out as his lips pale further. Blood and sand slip through my fingers equally it seemed.

I try to steady myself, the plains leading up to the wall seemingly so much more rough as the wagon jostles about, hitting every pothole possible. My skin is sticky, seeming to be scalding hot against his icy flesh as I try to stop the bleeding still. I swallow hard, tasting iron as the tears roll down my cheeks, willing him to keep living as he blinks slower and breathes deeper. His edges fraying before my eyes.

"Stay awake Commander! P-Please Erwin!" I yell as his eyes glaze over, a weak smile pulling into place. Those dulled blue pits swivel over to me and hold, seeming to stare through me as I try and think of what to say, what way to persuade him that he needed to keep living.

"Don't..." he licks his dry lips, swallowing as we're jostled again. I lean down and feel his hot breath against my ear, my tears rolling onto his cheeks to make clear tracks through the grime. "Don't let them f-fall, Sanshi. The... the mission has to... to keep going."

"I-I won't... but come on, Erwin! Right now I really need your optimistic side." I sob, trying to smile as I feel that throbbing pulse weaken more. He chuckles.

"A... Ap-pologies Robyn, j-just... just m-make sure Keza knows... that she knows..." he frowns, mind seeming to drift on the mention of my dear friend's name.

"She knows, sir. She knows." I say, resting my head down on his chest for a second before swallowing and sitting upright again, clinging to some semblance of composure. "But she'll be pretty pissed if you don't bother saying it yourself, sir!" I keep yelling, trying to keep a little light in those blues.

"No sirs, please." He mutters with a soft cough. "A wretch l-like me... isn't worth that."

"Erwin Smith this is so _not_ the t-time for your melodramatics." I say weakly, and as another chuckle rattles out of him I sniff feebly. "Please Erwin. We need to finish the fight, and we need you to d-do that. There's still... still so much left to do. Please... p-please don't leave us. Don't leave Levi, d-don't leave me... and don't you dare leave K-Keza." I laugh weakly, watching his eyes shine just a little.

"I'll... d-do my best..." he groans and then flinches as we go over a bad bump before finally passing under the wall.

That sudden loss of sunlight usually gave me such comfort, a sense of going home as the darkness swallows us to bring us back into the light of safety. And yet this time it's different. That sudden loss of the sun's warmth makes me shiver all the more. A sense of foreboding rises in the back of my mind and as hear Erwin's breathing thin even more I grip the cape covering him. A clammy hand holds mine as the light starts to bleed back into view. "B-Be good... S-Sanshi..."

"Erwin... Erwin?!" I yell as we come back into the light, his eyes white as they roll back. The driver looks over his shoulder at the sound of my despair, and I share a panicked look with him as I desperately start chest compressions. "Get moving! NOW!" I spit through my teeth before leaning down and pushing air in Erwin's lungs.

The sound of hooves starts to gather around us as the threat of following Titans is left behind those huge gates. I hear the vague noises of panic, of question, of fear, but right now I just need to keep this bruised heart beating. For now there is nothing else in the world. A rock hits the side of the wagon and I assume that meant we were making good progress through the town. But it still isn't fast enough, too much blood patters onto the wagon floor with every feeble push, too much hope is escaping my grasp. Too much. The world is taking too much.

The usual hubbub of civilians surrounds us and every now and then I hear curses, I hear a couple cheers and of course the occasional rock being hurled. Occasionally Erwin's eyes flicker as I push his thinning blood round his body, possibly breaking a rib but fuck it I had to keep his heart going. As I push air into his mouth I am desperately willing this not to be his end, not when we're so close.

"Robyn?" I hear Levi and I look up from my latest donation of air, my expression presumably worrying as he moves closer and then joins me in the wagon. "Shit." he breathes, moving in and taking over compressions so I can fall back in a panting mess.

"He passed... out as we... we went under the wa-" I'm interrupted by a rock smacking into the back of my head and I look round with murderous intent, but I no longer see the crowd. Instead there's a horse filing into place, blocking the way. Gradually our fellow scouts move into place and block us off from the mob, standing tall for their Commander as he fights for his life.

I turn back to the patient, trying to ignore the rabble outside and now throbbing pain in the back of my skull. Warmth trickles down my neck as I reach out and take Erwin's remaining hand. My fingers are sticky against his slack wrist. Come on, give me a proper beat, a proper pulse. A small cry escapes me.

"He... he's coming back I think..." I say to Levi, and he gives a small breathless laugh, thick in the throat himself. I see the amount of blood on his uniform but see no sign that any of it was his. Not that didn't mean he wasn't wounded.

"Come Erwin you old bastard... don't turn into a coward now." Levi grunts, not missing a beat on the compressions. "You've got too much shit to put me through to duck out now." he looks up and sees the sign for HQ. "One hour old man, I can keep this going as long as I fucking need to. But you know... Robyn's gonna drown you soon with all this blubbering, give us all a break and stop her bawling?" He pants, looking at me with an encouraging shine to his eyes. I smile, sniffing a little pathetically. I shift closer to Erwin's ear and push his hair back.

"Yeah Erwin... K-Keza's gonna freak when she finds out she has to alter all your shirts. She's hardly what you c-call a domestic goddess." I keep stroking his hair with shaking hands, laughing as I see a small smile flicker along those pale parted lips. "You're smiling now Erwin, but you're in for one heck of a bollucking." I sniff again, praying he made it, looking out at the watchful faces of our determined entourage and knowing they were all making these same prayers.

It was a long hour till HQ, a couple times that pulse weakened again, and other times it got stronger. Me and Levi swap over every now and then, me refusing to believe he could keep it going for that long, and him insisting I still needed to rest. Thankfully though he doesn't actually notice the blood having started to seep through the thick bandaging, so I wasn't going to be pointing it out. To and fro we go, and yet still I cling to hope as the occasional flicker of those eyes and tug on those lips gives signs of consciousness, or life.

Come on Erwin.

Come on.

At long last we trundle along the path to HQ. I look ahead and hear the flare being fired to first of all signal our return, and then the next flare to signal the need for medical attention. In all honesty I don't know why we have that one; when didn't we need fucking medical attention? I look to Levi as he continues compressions and see his unwavering concern. Just because we were home did not mean we were out of the woods. I look ahead again and watch the people gather outside, ready for action. I can't make her out, but I can guess Keza is there anxiously waiting to see who it was that needed patching up this time round. She was a deft medic herself, but little did she know.

Her Prince had fallen.

I shiver as I consider what she might do, that she too might be brought to the breaking point after being so close to happiness. I look at the blood that has sunk deep into the wood beneath us. Why couldn't we dream of our Prince, or our happiness and not be punished for it? Dammit Keza I am so sorry.

"Nearly there Erwin... nearly there..." I hear my Captain panting, and I know he's exhausted, he's worn thin. He's terrified of losing someone else, and worst of all probably someone he never imagined actually losing. But at least I know he isn't injured, having checked myself when he rather irritatingly avoided the question. But apart from some bruising, it was all someone else's blood, in fact it was probably mainly Erwin's.

In truth it probably hurt him more that way.

Some riders go ahead of us to get the medics informed of the situation. In all honesty I hadn't even thought about the rest of the formation, my selfishness bitter on my tongue as I look back and have to suddenly wonder who else had been befallen by those Abnormals. I shake my head though, one thing at a time Sanshi, one thing at a time.

We pull into the HQ's compound.

The medical team approaches.

Keza follows closely behind.

It's safe to say that my Keza was never one for reacting how you might expect. There is no wailing, no tearful cry to the sky as she falls to her knees and shakes her fists. Nope. None of that, in fact probably what you would consider the complete opposite. Having smacked a cadet out the way when he attempted to avoid her seeing the injured Commander, my Keza proceeded to throw orders to the waiting medical team and abuse the semi-conscious man now in her turbulent care.

As he's put on a wheeled stretcher to be taken inside, she jumps on board, straddles him and maintains the compressions, not missing a damned beat for anyone. I see Erwin's lips move as she works on him, and I see her grit her teeth.

"Oh no you don't you sappy son-of-a-bitch, no lovey dovey talk like you're already out the door. Fix those baby blues on me and don't you dare even blink! Come on big boy, time to show me all that so-called soldier determination." She yells sternly as they disappear inside, her voice turning to an echoing bark soon after. "I swear to god Smith, if that's a hard-on I feel, I will chop the damn thing off! What a waste of blood! Ugh, men!"

A few confused looks are followed by nervous chuckles – everyone terrified for their Commander but slightly calmed by the madwoman's apparent confidence. I clamber down from the wagon carefully, flinching a little, but mainly glad to be back on solid ground where the horizon would only be littered with clouds and the occasional bird.

"Why is Keza taking the lead?" asks Armin with his usual quiet tone of nervousness when he suddenly appears beside me. I smile weakly and pat his shoulder. "Not that I'm complaining but... why?"

"I'm sorry to say but over the years Keza has had to patch up many an unfortunate girl, or indeed a fool-hardy customer. She's probably seen a lot worse wounds on the living than any of us." I shrug and head away before anyone can force me to sit down. I rush off to help get things back to some kind of normality amongst all this blood and confusion. I know I can't sit still right now, in fact I don't even pause to see what Levi's doing for the risk of him pulling rank or simply dragging me to a seat.

I help get the horses seen to before ensuring all other injured parties had been tended to, partly because I needed to keep moving, and partly because of my previously selfish thoughts. But considering the attack's potency, we have very few casualties, and the injured are not too many either. A little luck I suppose.

Then I spot Eren stood stagnant in the middle of the compound, and I head over to see if he had in fact shifted. But as I approach his oddly stiff figure I see no signs of it, no tattering to his clothes, and he still had his full gear on. No, he hadn't shifted, but that didn't stop him acting oddly. He's just standing there, not moving a muscle, and it isn't until I'm that bit closer that I realise he's also staring right ahead. His green eyes bore into the wagon where our three prisoners remained, awaiting their transfer into the cells below. There they would stew until the more important issues had been dealt with. The other cadets seem to move around him, not exactly avoiding him, but they just flow round like a river round a stubborn boulder. I go over and put a hand on his shoulder, confused by his total lack of response.

"Eren? You okay after the journey?" I ask quietly, a shrug moving his shoulders just a touch. "Eren, please... did you get injured?"

"What would it matter?"

"I'm tending to the wounded." I sigh, but again he shrugs.

"Monsters like me just heal anyway." He murmurs with a slight frown, eyes not leaving the covered wagon for a second. But before I can say anything he has jerked my hand off and nodded to HQ. "How's the Commander?"

"Struggling on... it's not good, but at least we got him this far. Now they can properly treat him." I reply and Eren nods slowly, then looking back to the wagon. Are his eyes glowing?

"She's in there right? With her two rapist lackies?" He says it so casually, the word whipping my nerves and making me cringe back. He isn't wrong of course, but this cold side to Eren isn't one I care for.

"They'll be moving them to the cells soon." I say, moving to walk away before he kept going and really wound me up. I want to be there, but I'm not as good at this as he is, I don't have the patience. Maybe that makes me a horrible person; but with Erwin's condition at the forefront of my mind, this discussion seems so trivial right now.

"I could just kill them now if you'd prefer?" His voice rings out, and I know the wagon would have heard that as well. I stare ahead at the HQ, watching a couple windows light with lanterns, wondering which of those the surgery lay beyond. Which flashing pane of glass hid our commander, and which hid a probably fretful Mikasa staring down at us? I swallow hard.

"Eren..." I say, turning back with a warning frown. I didn't like his tone, or where it felt like it was going to lead. He still doesn't look away, looking more like a boulder with every passing second.

"It's not like they don't deserve it." he tilts his head slightly, some rain falling from his hood. A roll of thunder broils overhead and my hands clench into fists.

"Stop this, this isn't you Eren, this is the guilt talking."

"Unless this _is_ the real me, just not bothering with the pretence of not being a beast... I wonder if they'll be in the cells next to me, or if-"

"Stop it!" I yell, slapping him hard round the face and shoving him. What little composure I had left crumbles away and I shove him again, barely moving him as my side twinges again and my feet slip in the slickening mud. "You're not a monster, you're Eren Jeager. You're my dearest friend, you're Mikasa's brother, you're being a selfish asshole!"

He stares at me as the tears flow yet again down my face.

"Erwin is on the brink of death and you're wallowing in self-pity?! Are you fucking kidding me?" I go to slap him again but he grabs my hand and frowns down at me. His eyes no longer glow.

"Robyn stop, your side will-"

"I'm fine, god dammit!" I wrench my hand back, feeling that pinch at my side but ignoring it. "Spend less time worrying about this kind of pointless shit and focus on you! But in the right way, not this angsty self-indulgence. That is all I want from you. Do you remember what Levi said in that tent?" I ask, jabbing him in the chest. He nods dumbly. "Well now more than ever we need that hope, so don't go f-fucking it up now... p-please..." I add quietly, weakening as my rage subsides.

"I... Robyn I..." he attempts, but no words come out. I want to help him, I want to be there for him just like he was for me, but I can't. Right now I don't have the heart to do that. I look away and see Levi waiting by the door of HQ, watching us silently.

"Get yourself cleaned up and back to your room, not the cells unless ordered to." I say between my teeth, walking off and passing the guards who had come to take the prisoners to the dungeons. Shaun nods to me, and I return it gladly, happy to know someone consistent was taking care of that shitshow.

"Let's get you cleaned up, brat." says Levi gently, offering an arm that I take in order to make it up the stairs. My Captain leads the way towards our room. On the way I hear the noises of surgery and smell iron on the air, each in turn making my blood run that little bit colder. I pause outside that closed door and stare.

"Keep fighting, Erwin. We... we're waiting." I murmur before following on to that familiar door and allowing it to be locked behind me. Cool hands tucking my hair back before cupping my face, bringing my tired eyes to meet his exhausted ones.

"Still here, Sanshi?"

"Still here, Captain?" I smile and lean up to gently kiss him as our small bubble of peace surrounds us. Without another word we help each other out of our uniform and apply fresh bandaging to my side. I stare out the window as he restitches me, before moving to check the wound on the back of my head. My teeth gnaw on my lip as I watch the sun slowly start to set.

We were home; though far from safe and sound.

* * *

 **So there we go. Erwin is a couple pounds lighter and on the verge of going night night... but will I actually kill him? Muhahahahaha! Find out next time my lovelies!  
**

 **I realise this update is a lot shorter, but I wanted it to be regular rather than another mammoth update. Does that count as a cliffhanger? I don't even know anymore!**

 **Thank you so much for reading, and for making it this far, this fic is so ridiculously long now! Hope everyone is still enjoying and please, please, please let me know what you think!**

 **SHOUTOUTS**

 **LillyManchester: Glad you're still enjoying, and thanks for the support once again!**

 **Sebastian: You are so wonderful every single time, and haha I know I am very mean for cliffhangers, but to be fair you really should be used to it by now! Clearly you're a masochist as you keep on coming back! Hope this was plenty exciting for you, and hope it is up to par. Thanks for the ongoing support and see you next time!**


	42. Crumpled

**Hello hello, bit later I know but heck it's been busy around here! Still within a month so yeah I'm gonna go ahead and call that a win. Hope you're all good, and hope you enjoy this next update. Warning you now, there are some potentially messed up scenes coming up over the next few updates, feels will be aplenty, but also... shit gonna get DARK. But then again this is the [FINALLY] pay-off for Robyn's time in captivity. So I guess you could have probably seen that coming... anyway, I will obviously apply the warnings as and when, I just felt a pre-warning would be a good plan.**

 **Anyway, on with the show!**

 **Disclaimer: I still down't own AOT, only Robyn.**

 **Note: SPOILERS FOR MANGA here there and possibly everywhere, it's hard for me to remember exactly what counts as a spoiler anymore tbh, but meh, it's beyond the first Season of the Anime so... yeah, warning applied. Although in all fairness this is more of a breather chapter really.  
**

* * *

 **LEVI POV**

With her cleaned up and in our bedroom again I feel a bit better about the situation. I feel like I can have some more control now, not over her of course – I'm not that fucking mad - but control over world around us is at least manageable here. We sit and drink tea in our room, the vain hope that we could settle our nerves enough to sleep in every sip. But I don't think it'll work, I really don't think I'm going to manage to sit still for five minutes till that surgery is done, till I know how bad I fucked up. Thankfully she hasn't asked yet, so thankfully I haven't had to consider whether to lie or not.

This is a damned mess.

I keep going over it in my head, but as usual I come up with nothing over and over. I had seen the smoke, we had altered position, and yet? And yet nothing. Before I knew it I felt the warm spray of Erwin's blood against my face, having not even noticed the damn thing was aiming for him. I thought that was it to be honest, I thought I had just felt the moment this messed up world lost him as a Commander. That I once again lost a friend to those foul stinking fuckers. I sigh and sip my tea, noting the way Robyn's eyes linger on the doorway, and the fact she hadn't even flinched when touching the hot tea-cup initially.

She said she was still here... but I can't be sure.

I see it when she look my way, so much noise lingering in the gold.

It hadn't happened for a few nights thankfully, but last night? Last night the demons were out in force. I had expected it of course, suddenly being faced with that low-life animal again had seriously knocked her sideways. Seeing her sitting with that blade sticking out of her, not a note of pain on her face. Christ... I thought she was having a fit. Nothing was getting through, and I can only imagine what the brat was seeing or feeling all over again. I swallow down my anger, knowing it was misplaced considering this was her pain. I had no right to fly off the handle.

And yet... and yet I want to.

With all this rage building up inside me, paired with the fact I know all we can do for Erwin right now is wait and hope, its difficult knowing how close to hand it all is. Revenge, justice, closure, everything sits down there in those cells. I can barely imagine what she has planned for them, but I know I have to at least try avoiding her fully falling prey to her darker side. Once unleashed I knew the colder memories would appear as well. It had been a good long while since I had seen her scrubbing those hands, and despite lasts night's lapse, I was confident that habit hadn't resurfaced yet.

Instead she had started the scratches again.

I can still remember the worried look on Jeager's face when I first got out the cells. When he carefully described that habit to me, and whilst it pissed me off that the brat had been so close to her sleeping, it comforted me to know she was looked after. But dammit I'm scared I won't catch it every time. She lies there, trapped by dreams, by terrors of the past, and instead of calling out for help, or screaming in any way, she grits her teeth and claws at her own skin. Damned brat kept trying last night, and thankfully I kept avoiding her doing it. It only takes a couple touches before she stops fighting, but initially she seems to panic, like something awful will happen if she can't break the skin. I swallow some more tea. Problem was tonight it would be paired with her worries over Erwin, and I know the stupid brat would be worrying about everyone else as well. Eren's severe Daddy issues, Hanji's need to fix everything, Keza's future, possibly even me. I don't know what she would be worried about for me, but I know there's something. Those bright eyes linger on me a little too long with that sense of worry and I can't really do much about it. I want to assure her, to calm her, but I don't know how to do that without making her think I'm trying to cover shit up.

This regiment was in a mess.

If blood-loss, infection or fever took Erwin away now? We'd be lost for good.

The Wings would fall, the Scouts would scatter, and Humanity would remain behind walls until finally tearing itself apart. Fuck I'm being a depressive bastard right now. I drain my cup, fairly sure I should have gone for the stronger option but not wanting to be sloshed if something else should kick off. It feels like we're sitting on a powder keg.

I can hear others restlessly going about the corridors, and whilst I should be telling the brats to get to bed, I don't have the willpower right now. If pacing helped them, then I wasn't going to object. Three times already I'd turned round, or come back from taking a piss to find Robyn gone. Over and over I traipse after her and drag her away from the door to the surgery. If worrying were a competitive sport I swear this brat of mine would own every damned trophy. I think we're both clinging to the hope that if its taking this long then it was likely that he was at least still alive.

As the cups are once again filled with tea I sit with her, rubbing small circles into the back of her hand as it seems to calm her. Even if only a little. In the quiet dimness she's smiling gently now, finally not gnawing on her bottom lip. At one point I thought she'd chew it right off. I'm about to ask why she's suddenly smiling when there's movement from where they had been tending to Erwin.

Both of us are up and staring.

"Should we...?" She murmurs with big shining eyes. I nod and clear my throat.

"I suppose we should."

We head into the corridor and watch the cleaners head into the room; white mops soon to turn red. But was he alive? I hadn't really expected a parade or loud cheering, but I had kinda expected this sense of foreboding to have eased up, even if only slightly. But no, I am as shit-scared as ever. We approach the door, holding each other's hand as a kind of anchor as we see the empty room. Erwin had hopefully been removed to the infirmary already, not taken down to the cold rooms of the basement where he wouldn't start to smell so quickly.

Shit why did I think that?

"W-We should check the mess-hall..." she breathes, squeezing my hand and making me look away from the ongoing clean-up, the sloshing noise of the mops making my stomach churn. "Keza might have gone there f-for coffee or some food after that long session." She reasons, tone perfectly mirroring my fears.

We head down there, a few cadets shuffling around here and there, all seeming to avoid the lone figure of Keza sat in the middle. It felt odd to know that was the same women who had so brazenly convinced me of her intent to kill her best-friend, who sassed her way through the days and caused Erwin to blush with a single look. Apart from Robyn, she was probably one of the most terrifying women I had ever met, but there she was in the middle of the room, small and hunched over. It didn't bode well. Her head is bowed, either she was sleeping or crying, or possibly trying to argue with her coffee to be more effective.

"Keza?" I hear Robyn call, bringing me out of my little bubble. The woman's head snaps upright, and she looks over her shoulder at us, a careful smile on her oddly pale lips. "Hey... how did it go? Is he...?"

"He isn't dead yet, put it that way honey." Keza yawns, taking a long sip of her coffee and smirking at me. I hadn't meant to, but my nose wrinkled at her blasé tone, it seeming so out of place considering her demeanour. Those keen eyes have seen me though and a hoarse chuckle escapes her. "No time to wallow Captain, either he lives and gets a fucker of a fever to which he might succumb to anyway, or he goes right ahead and gives into shock and snuffs it before dawn."

"One way to look at it..." I mutter in response, sitting down and smoothing out my expression. Her smirk widens into an almost smile; she really was terrifying.

"I'll wallow when the dice have fallen, right now the fuckers won't land. I thought you of all people would appreciate that." She shrugs, and I just nod, unable to avoid my frown.

"I'm trying to think positive for the time being." I say, and a much coarser laugh leaves her, making Robyn put an arm round her to gently squeeze. They really were like sisters; deranged and broken sisters. But still, they both have that weird looking kindness in their gaze, and I see it yet again when Keza looks over at me in an almost apologetic manner. I am such a disapproving asshole.

"Sorry Scowler, I'm past the point of wishful thinking."

"Yeah... understandable Keza... sorry." I add, feeling my face heat up a little when Robyn looks at me in surprise. How much of a dick am I that she looks that aghast that I said the word 'sorry'? Damn... seems like Farlan had a point when calling me an unsociable bastard. Not that I didn't already know it.

"It's fine, Captain. We did all we could, now comes the hard part, the grief or the recovery." She drains her mug and gets up. "He's in a wee cornered off part of the infirmary if you want to see him, but quite frankly the handsome bastard isn't much too look at right now." She snorts and shakes her head, pain seeming to come off her in waves as she scrapes her hair back. Neither woman was as good at hiding their issues as they liked to think.

"Is he awake at the moment, Keza?" Robyn asks gently, almost sounding like a mother soothing a child. It was odd, but it suited her. Keza smiles.

"Out like a light for now, finally able to rest as we kinda stabilised him."

"All right then, we'll leave it till morning. Try to at least sit down during the night Keza, okay?" My Brat pleads as she hugs the woman close, too close as she flinches a little from an obvious pain in her side. "Love you."

"Love you too, Numbnuts. I'll try okay? I might well not succeed but heck I'll give it a go." Keza chuckles before kissing Robyn's cheek and walking away, a little less hunched over for now. I see a lot of me and Farlan in these two, not sure why I hadn't noticed it till now. Maybe I was too concerned with the present, all this possible death makes me look back I guess. Really it's the worst thing for it, but I guess there's no helping it either.

Fuck I sound old.

"He's in good hands, Levi." I hear Robyn speak in that soft manner to me now, that same loving tone as her pale hand takes mine. I look up at her, those eyes misted over slightly, but still bright thankfully. "We should attempt sleep at least."

As I look up, her expression turns to one of surprise, her other hand caressing against my cheek lightly. I hadn't realised, but I'm smiling.

"Sure thing, Brat. Lead the way." I clear my throat, and she smiles broadly, grasping my hand and doing just that. I still find it weird to walk along like this with her. Hardly setting a good example. But right now I can't let go, I look at that hand clinging to mine, so pale and delicate with those long elegant fingers. Sometimes she seemed so breakable, and yet when that smile took over? She was invincible all over again.

Fuck I am old.

The lantern soon goes out and we lie there in a gentle silence, neither doing much more than dozing for any length of time, but at least comforted by some good news, and each other's heartbeat.

What was it about near-death that made me so god-damned cheesy?

If only Farlan could see me now.

He'd probably laugh his ass off.

* * *

 **ROBYN POV**

Sleep came as a mixed blessing. It made the time pass quicker of course, pacing and worrying tended to make time go as slow as possible, dragging behind your feet sulkily and refusing to catch the hell up. But with sleep came the bitter taste of memories, those same memories triggered by our unannounced guests. The world seethes with colour, with noise, and in dreams I can't shut it out as easily, instead it seems to swallow me whole. But I know that swirling whirlwind is going to land soon, and it's going to hurt a lot when it does.

I gasp as the iron door is flung open, making the slimey walls crumble and groan, looming in closer and closer. The world warps. I can't breathe. No, not again, don't let those animals in again to torment me, no, not again. No! I scramble back, harsh pain lancing up my back, screaming as my resolve breaks into a thousand pieces. I can't take it. I'm done. I can't fight this. I desperately try to get the shackles off me, my nails raking at my wrists as I fumble with the locks.

 _Stay the fuck away from me! No! Please! Don't!_

Through that door appears a figure, familiar and yet foreign. It rushes in, grabs my flailing arm and shouts unintelligibly at me. I shriek as something is stabbed into my flesh, more echoing garbling filling my ears. I claw at those damned shackles, strength waning as I topple back yet again. There's shouts echoing down the halls.

Can I hear gunshots?

Was that Commander Erwin's voice?

 _You can do it Sanshi!_

I clamber to my feet, stumbling along the corridor as I hear feet behind me. Someone was chasing? Noise is everywhere as I clutch at my head and scream back at the demons. My father's laugh echoes in my head and I stumble, suddenly face to face with the fallen body of Erwin. He stares up at me with white eyes, face stretched into a scream with his arm ripped off and still gushing blood. I back up to the wall, shaking my head.

 _Erwin! C-Commander!_ I scream, throat burning as the noise rips out of me. Hands appear out of the wall and grip my, choking me, groping me, I howl, clawing at them, hot pain slicing at me.

 _Robyn!_

My eyes snap open.

The waking world slams into my head and I feel my cheek burn.

What a mess.

I stare up at the ceiling, panting gently as I lie there completely rigid in the bed. For a while I just lie there, the thundering pace of my heart slowly calming to a normal beat as my eyes clear of silent tears and my breathing stops rattling. Not again. I hear Levi's breathing next to me, deeply asleep at last and thankfully not woken by anything I had let slip. I lick my lips and sit up shakily, letting the blanket slip from me to avoid him knowing I was up.

"Just breathe..." I whisper to myself with quivers to my voice, my throat feeling pinched as I had presumably laid with an open mouth, silently shrieking. I don't know when it was I had been able to do that, to withhold my screams, but I am very glad I had finally learned to stay fucking quiet. I swing my legs out, cold air creating goose-bumps up my bare legs as I walk over to the small table where we had sat for tea. Some bandaging is left there, and I don't even need to look at my arms to know they're in a bad way, the dull stinging slowly building as my consciousness clears. A small scuff sounds as I pull out a chair and sit down, counting to ten before looking down and shaking my head at my pathetic ways.

Long red welts run along my forearms, claw marks of a nightmare taken hold. Only a couple have actually broken through, but they look so angry I can't help the grimace that takes over. What a nonsense. I sigh and rub the disinfectant over them, gritting my teeth against even the smallest whimper. If my Captain was finally able to get some rest, that was good, I didn't want to spoil that for him. It only takes a couple minutes before I have managed to wrap it all up and hide it away, hoping to get into uniform before Levi saw.

"How bad was it?" I hear him mutter from the bed and I turn with a gasp, not having realised he was awake. My cheeks burn again as I look at the floor, shifting my weight as my side twinges.

"Didn't wanna wake you..." I murmur back, and I hear him sigh, sitting up and shuffling back till he's against the headboard. His expression is the same as always, impatient yet understanding. He just wanted me to depend on him more, it was what he always said and it was what I always refused.

"C'mere brat." He yawns, holding his arms open to me.

"Levi..." I stumble over, accepting his hold as he cradles me to his chest. "I... s-sorry." I sniff and he just gently shushes me, stroking my hair back out of my face. I sit there and sigh, breathing slow and heartbeat steady.

"You said you were still here, Brat." He breathes against my hair, and I just shrug and kiss over his heart.

"Guess I got a little lost."

"You're in HQ. You're here with me, Levi, in our room. We just got back from a mission outside the walls. Erwin's in recovery, Eren's in his room, Keza's looking after the Commander. You're safe. You're in HQ..." the loop continues and I listen to him, nodding softly as the loop goes round and round.

Pale light begins to bleed into the room and I look up, kissing the hollow of his throat so that he can stop saying it. A small hum goes through him like always, as if knowing it had worked was the best kind of news for him. I kiss again.

"I... I need to finish this, Levi. I need to get some closure." I murmur against his chest eventually, voice small as I say this, it feeling like some sordid confession. He just nods, still running his hands up and down my back, and whilst I would love to hear some brilliant speech from him, I know he will be at a loss as well.

"How about we go see if Erwin's awake, then see about sorting those bastards out? Get you that closure before day's end." His lips press against my head and I sigh, not daring to consider where I would be without him. Mentally and physically it's too hard a concept to consider. "So... you didn't answer before. How bad was it?"

"Huh?" I look down and frown as he carefully runs his fingertips along my bandaging. "I... oh... It wasn't that bad. Just welts without breaking the skin mainly. Sorry, I just didn't want to bother you with it, you need some sleep." I sit up and kiss his cheek, noting that stubborn setting of his jaw and chuckling to myself.

"Brat... I want to help."

"And you do, I promise you do." I put my forehead to his. "I didn't fancy dealing with a sleep deprived Captain that's all." I kiss there afterwards, and with a couple more moments of defiance he rolls his eyes and nods.

"Agreed, I hardly need an excuse to be grumpy."

"Too fucking right you don't." I laugh lightly, laying my head against his shoulder.

We worked well together, but I never wanted him to feel like he had to monitor me, like some whimpering child. That wasn't who he was meant to be with, that wasn't whom he had come to that night wanting to feel something other than duty. I look at my bandaging, watching the small pink patches seep a little where the blood had indeed broken through. Would resolving this dark chapter actually make the dreams better? I shudder as I consider the idea of it making them worse.

It was so odd to have the quiet calm around us after the panic of the day and subsequent noise of my nightmare. But whilst odd it was still pleasant. I smile as I watch the gentle rise and fall of his chest, a thankfully peaceful expression on his face for once. I look down at my arms and frown, I had started scratching at myself whilst Levi had been gone for those six months. But recently it had improved. I sigh and pinch myself; fucking dumbass.

"Oi, you've done enough to yourself." His head bumps against mine.

"Yeah, yeah, I know... fancy grabbing a shower before breakfast?" I smile, pushing his hair back as he nods and rubs the sleep out of his eyes. Adorable.

"Mm... y-yeah... sounds good..." he yawns.

"C'mon if we hurry there'll be plenty hot water for us."

"Sharing though right?" He grumbles as he quickly cracks his neck. I laugh at him and tap the end of his nose playfully.

"Pervert."

"Not my fault." He shrugs with a smirk.

Gradually we grab our things and meander through with our towels, an oddly normal feeling about it all. We clamber in and I sigh at the heat of the water first thing, rolling my shoulder and humming in thanks as his nimble fingers work into my muscles. My mind is a little scattered; worrying about it all in the background whilst at the forefront I focus on the wonderful normality of this moment. It was strange and yet gratifying to know that with the world in chaos, there were still bubbles of calm to be found. Then again was that just selfish? Gah... more mess onto the pile.

"Robyn?" I hear my name and blink, rinsing the soap out my hair quickly as I realise it's Mikasa's voice from the doorway of the communal bathroom. She sounds worn out and that's never a good sign.

"Y-yeah? You okay love?" I call out, Levi raising his brows whilst he scrubs up. I hear her pause, a couple big breathes like she's been running. I rinse faster. "Mikasa what is it? Are you all right? I'm just finishing up so I'll-"

"The Commander's awake." She replies, the door creaking as she presumably leans on it. "And I... well in all honesty I can't fucking find Eren." She sounds exhausted, that curse on her tongue being so odd. I glare at Levi who just rolled his eyes so hard I have to wonder if he didn't manage to see the back of his bitter little mind.

"When did you see him last?"

"He's not a set of keys Robyn..." groans the weary woman, but I just wait and she sighs into another yawn. "I thought he went to bed last night, but I went to check on him and found nothing but an empty bed."

"Dammit." I grumble, resting my head against Levi's chest, nuzzling as he strokes that hand through my hair again. The door beyond creaks again.

"What is it? You think you know where he is?"

"Have you checked the cells?" I say with a small swallow, hoping she had and hadn't found him. Maybe he had gone on morning patrol? Or was on the training grounds? Or was doing everything besides what I fully expected his angst ridden head to have made him do?

"No... should I? Why would he... god damn..." she yawns and grumbles something unintelligible. "Connie said he saw you two arguing, and then Christa mentioned a slap or something?"

Thankfully there's no outright anger there, just exhausted enquiry.

"Um... yeah... wait... who's Christa again?"

"Little blonde, big blue eyes, kinda mousy." She surmises with a soft cough.

"Oh right... yeah I have no idea who you're talking about. But um yeah, it's all true I'm afraid. Feel free to um... to give me a kick up the arse once I'm clothed okay?"

"No need, I'm sure you had your reasons." She sighs.

"Uh yeah... I kinda did." I reply, knowing she had to be exhausted to think that.

"You usually do anyway, and right now I'm not coming anywhere near that cubicle, I have no want to see the Captain's dick." She yawns again and I hear the door creaking shut. I turn to Levi and find our blushes are matching almost, except his is paired with a ridiculous smirk. "I'll check the cells then, thanks anyway, see you later on."

In all honesty her voice sounds half deranged, and I know I'll have to force her to sleep later. That woman was even worse than me for depriving herself of such things.

"So Jeager has gone full on angsty whiney pain in the-"

"Levi, I love you but I swear to the walls if you finish that sentence I'll ram that bar of soap somewhere you really don't want it."

"Would take my need for cleanliness to a whole new level though." He snorts and then kisses my cheek, taking me off guard. Why was he being so gentle at the moment? I hate to consider that he's babying me, but then again I suppose I had been stabbed recently along with everything else – I could overlook it for now. "Sorry brat, still half-asleep and rather more concerned about my brother-in-arms than the Shifting kid."

"Understandable." I nod and finish up, drying myself off quickly and re-wrapping my arms, glad to have avoided the water hitting against the wounds directly, that always stung like hell.

Once we're ready we head for the infirmary. As much as I wanted to find Eren in order to haul him back out of that hole in the ground he had gone ahead and dug for himself, right now my head is full of Erwin. It was such an out-of-bounds idea that he was injured that I knew I wouldn't be able to settle until I had at least spoken with the man. The infirmary is littered with people with varying degrees of injury, but beyond the small nods of 'good morning', Levi and I head straight for the cornered off area.

As we get closer there are voices to be heard, and I am calmed immediately by the tranquil sound of Keza laughing. I had heard her talk her way out of a thousand situations; and she had a laugh for every single one. So I always knew when it was a genuine one, the melody rising and falling as she allowed a gap in her defences for that special someone. Usually it was me, but I was willing to allow room for Erwin.

For now.

"You decent in there, Commander?" Levi rumbles and there's a low chuckle before Keza pulls the curtain back slightly and invites us into the sterile bubble of theirs.

Hanji is sprawled at the end of the bed, unconscious and drooling into the blankets looking like she had slept there all night, Keza goes back round the bed and sits on the chair by Erwin's pillow and frankly I just beam. It was far from normal, but at least he was awake now and mainly conscious. He looked like hell; stubble on his chin, dark bruising under his dull eyes, and a sheen of sweat coating his paled complexion. The bandaging on his arm is thick, and even so a little red tinge can still be seen.

"Morning you two, manage some sleep?" Erwin's voice sounds like it's been raked over gravel all night, but Keza just lets him take another sip of water, dabbing the corner of his mouth like the diligent carer she was.

"A little." I answer quietly.

"A little more." Furthers Levi. The Commander nods, looking between us and then down at the stump with a small shrug.

"Seems it was you two that came to my rescue? I've had a couple different versions, but they all mention my dynamic duo." He chuckles into a rough cough, gritting his teeth tightly as pain flares in his expression. "Apologies, I am still in a bit of a sorry state."

"Stay that way as long as you need to," Levi nods, a small shudder having run through him but thankfully it had passed by. "Me and Hanji can take over for the time-being, you don't need to do anything but recover."

"Thank you Captain, that's kind."

"It's my duty." Retorts Levi, a small smirk appearing momentarily despite the cold tone. I see a similar expression settling onto Erwin, and for a moment you could almost think of them just as friends instead of comrades as well. "Why haven't you been given any serum? Seems like a prime use for-"

"His system couldn't take it." Explains Keza gravely, her hand taking the Commander's and squeezing. "Trust me I wanted to fucking pile it into him, but the medics and nerds alike all said it would only make things worse. And it could have even healed wrong on it's own. Delicate shit... for a delicate guy eh?" Her other hand smooths his messy hair back and I see every bit of her affectionate side on show right now. It's a little overwhelming for me.

"Seems I bruise like a peach." Says Erwin, leaning into the touch before resting back against the pillows, his expression calming to normal for a moment. He had important stuff to say as well, typical. "I need you two to take over the questioning of our guests... downstairs. We cannot risk them... being kept here for very long... if they send in another hit team like b-before then-"

Keza flicks his forehead and his words are immediately silenced.

"Shut up. This is way more than you should be doing right now, you're a patient not the fucking Commander. We have already had this talk mister, and you know what's gonna happen if I have to repeat myself."

Amazingly enough, the Commander just nods.

Keza was kind of terrifying.

"We'll handle it Commander, I promise." I finally manage to pipe up, clearing my throat when my voice catches. The look of thanks is too much, but I accept it anyway, wanting to go over and hug him tightly, but knowing that really some semblance of decorum should be maintained.

"We'll visit again later, rest for now. Do as you're told." Levi snorts and looks to me, nodding behind us. "We should get some food and then head down to the basement where it seems like everyone has gathered."

"What does that mean? I... I can't be involved too much, but at least keep my informed?" Erwin sounds too pleading, but with his reserved glance at the Matron currently looming over him at practically half his usual height, I don't even bother making a joke about it. Levi sighs and shrugs.

"Seems Jeager is still messed up about the recent... revelation. His sister couldn't find him and we're guessing he went ahead and relocked himself down there for good measure. Don't worry, I'll kick it out of him if I have to."

"Leave Titanio alone you big brute." Scolds Keza and I could have sworn I saw Levi lean back a touch. "You leave that kiddo to Robyn y'hear? You're about as capable of dealing with emotional trauma as I am being a housewife. Leave it to the professionals." She winks, assuring him that she was mainly joking. Mainly.

"I'll keep him right." I smile before leading the way to the mess-hall.

Once out in the corridor it takes about three or four steps before both me and Levi have to pause and take a breath. No one is around, and the silence just seems to back up what we're both thinking. Thank the walls he's alive, but fucking hell he has a long way to go. We exchange a look, a quick smile, and then carry on our way.

The Wings of Freedom were rather crumpled, but not totally broken as of yet.

As we get nearer the noise of breakfast I am silently hoping the whole way down there that we might come across a table full of our usual group already there; eating normally and chatting about a normal day. Eren perhaps sat with Mikasa, nibbling some toast and laughing carefree with his fellow 104th cadets. Maybe Connie would already be cracking a terrible joke, lifting everyone's spirits up as he danced about the place, only to be promptly scolded by Levi for putting his boots on the table-top again. Jean would be close to Mikasa, pestering her about getting rest whilst the stubborn young woman would just be eating her food and monitoring Eren instead. I sigh and shake my head at my imagination, knowing full well the world was too cruel for such a normal day.

Thank the walls we got home, but fucking hell we have a long way to go.

* * *

 **So yeah that was meant to be a bit of a breather, bit of a calmer one after the rather AHHHHHHHH themed previous chapter. Hope you still enjoyed it though! I'm hoping to get a bumper load of writing done and get ahead of myself again as I'm babysitting for a couple weeks come the start of Sept... how is it already SEPTEMBER?! Yeesh... anyway! Thanks for reading, please leave a fav, follow and or review as I love to hear from you and know that people are still following, still invested, all that jazz! Thanks!**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **UmbreonGurl: Yeah... be prepared my dear, the blonde bastard gets rather put through the ringer. I wasn't all that sure whether to do that from the manga to be honest, but in the end I'm glad I did. I feel like I haven't had a lasting injury yet, and really it felt like the right time. But trust me, the manga path is not necessarily mine (basically the poor bastard isn't safe yet ;) i am evil after all!) Thank you for the continuing support, see you next time!**

 **Lilly Manchester: Ah my little sis, I didn't know you liked them shorter, but let's face it, I just talk too much! Don't compare myself to you, the length of your chapters are fine, each author does it different and to be honest I should probably try to be more consistent. Thanks for the review ;)**

 **MelYu: You read it all... in 2 days?! Good lord you're a masochist! Thanks so much for letting me know that, to know someone was so hooked is a major boost for me so really, thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I hope the wait wasn't too frustrating! Thanks for the review, and thank you for reading!**

 **Seethroughmyeyes/Guest: Whoa you are one of those dream readers who like chimes in every now and then as they read through, I think it was you the whole time anyway, from waaaay back at Chapter 5 till chapter 26! I hope you make it this far to read my thanks because I really am so grateful to have those little snippets of opinion/reaction! I'm glad to know the tension between Robyn and Levi worked for you, I never wanted their relationship to feel forced, I wanted it to feel like it could actually happen in that world as it always frustrates me when Levi's suddenly written as a lovesick puppy. I always intended it to be more convincing than that, and for him to gradually soften to becoming more open/romantic/normal as they were together for longer. I never know whether I've really achieved that or not to be honest! I'm glad the humour works for you, again I always worry if my jokes work or not, but thank you for highlighting that they do for you! I'm thrilled you enjoy the descriptions, considering how heavy i do them sometimes haha, it's a good thing you like them! And for 25/26 (it says guest but I thiiiink it's still you?) I'm glad the pay-off worked for you - i really didn't want Levi's return to just be a quick fix. He was messed with so much I wanted to give him time to settle back in, to work through it. I hope you're still reading, so please leave a review and let me know how you're getting on, but seriously thank you soooo much for your reviews throughout the story, it's awesome to get ones from way back in the early chapters still. Thanks so much for taking the time, and I hope you're still with us now!**


	43. Ripples

**Hello hello heeeelllooooooo. Another fairly quick update! My god! But also another one for just kinda getting everyone grounded again, nothing too GAH RUN AWAY, I always worry things get tooooo manic at times, so I hope you guys enjoy these slower chapters too. Sorry if you don't... 0_0**

 **Disclaimer: Still don't own AOT.**

 **Note: Mangaaaaaa beyond Season 1 will really be referenced from now on, I have already said this a LOT but meh, never want to give someone a reason to moan now do we ;) so far though I am still amazed by this community's lack of haters :D it's great! Oh also, I said it waaaay back at the beginning of my works I'm pretty sure, but I just want to reiterate the fact that I am very sorry for grammar mistakes and whatnot. I have never been friendly with Grammar and likely never will be, but I promise I really do try to go over everything as best I can. Anyway, just wanted to put that back out there, thanks, hope you enjoy!**

* * *

We round the corner and the first thing I see is Mikasa asleep on the table, head just shy of her food with Jean occasionally checking on her. He sits right next to her and looks about as worried as I now feel. Connie is across from them, eating normally enough, but even he has a rundown look about him. Armin. I hadn't even considered him, but he sits staring at his food, apparently zoned out until I think Connie speaks to him and he jolts back into the real world. Whilst Eren is no where to be seen. This was about as far away from my hopes as I could stomach and I feel my heart get a little heavier with each step down those stairs.

The broken pieces are lying all over the place, and as I fail to catch sight of Eren anywhere in the room either, I can only assume he was still downstairs in that dank place he had decided he belonged. I had best get my hauling skills into play.

Levi nudges me towards the table, smiling in his own stoic way and then heading to get us both food. I am grateful that he knows I will always have to look after these people as well, they were my family when I had no one. Before I had him I had been the weird outcast in a bunch of misfits, and that was seriously saying something. But even if it was only the occasional kind word, they had accepted me.

I sit down across from Mikasa and next to Armin, once again the blonde jumping about a foot in the air. I am guessing very little sleep has been had by this entire table.

"Good morning everyone, how're you-"

"You need to go down there, Robyn." Mikasa says suddenly upright and staring, I sit back slightly and hear a general sigh go round the table. Not only was sleep in short supply but apparently patience was too? What on earth was going on? I blink and look around quickly, but no one is looking my way except the inane Mikasa. Oh dear.

"I will after some breakfast Mikasa, no point in me going down there and passing out because I didn't-"

"But he needs you right now, probably a couple hours ago actually." Her voice sounds so odd, as though lingering between yelling and sobbing but whilst remaining entirely emotionless. I kind of stare, not sure what I'm meant to do as her dark eyes stare unblinkingly. Earlier she had sounded weary, but now she sounds unhinged. I start to get up, but Armin pushes me back down, and once again I see a weirdly angry look on his face. Since when was Armin Artlet the grumpy one? Mikasa doesn't look at him though, she just raises her eyebrows in question at me. "Robyn seriously, you need to go to him right now! This isn't a joke."

"No she doesn't Mikasa, Eren needs to sort his own head out and Robyn needs to eat. So sit down." Says Armin and I can barely believe the outright fury I see in her gaze when she looks at him. I feel like Mum and Dad are fighting over me or something – then again no, it's more like how I would _imagine_ that goes considering it never really happened in my family.

"Just because you've given up on him." Mikasa sniffs with a shake of her head.

"Just because you've given up on yourself." He snaps right back, a flinch going round the table this time. I clear my throat.

"Guys..." I try to edge my way in, but Armin is shaking his head, still staring at his food.

"No one has given up on Eren, Mikasa. The problem is, right now we all need to make sure we look after ourselves as well as each other. So like I said before, sit down, eat something and then go upstairs to your bunk. You'll do Eren no good by being this unhinged moron around him!"

"Armin..." I murmur but he just groans.

"No Robyn, ever since we were kids she swept it all under the 'look after Eren' bracket and now it has really got to the point that she's going to hurt herself. And him. Right now what we need to all do is take a god damned breath... to band together, to work together even though everything seems to be falling apart. And I cannot do that if she turns into a lunatic."

The way Armin speaks to her is so strange to me, I wonder when this harsh side to Armin had appeared, but then of course several things had happened without my knowledge. Those six months weren't just a blackout for Levi I guess. Mikasa stares and slowly sits back down, eating and studying her plate, seemingly ashamed but still frustrated judging from the way she grits her teeth. It was true, this whole thing had rattled everyone right to their core hadn't it? The origin of Eren's power wasn't just his revelation to deal with, it was on a much bigger scale than that. I reach over and put a hand atop Mikasa's and I feel the shudder run through her, a small sniff sounding.

"Mikasa just try to calm down all right? I promise to go down to the dungeon cells as soon as I've had my breakfast all right? I don't want to leave Eren alone in the dark any more than you do. Come on now, we said we'd do it together yeah?" I squeeze and she nods, tucking her scarf closer.

"Yeah thanks, Robyn..."

"If you brats are about to start singing I'll eat elsewhere." Levi suddenly rumbles and I look up at him with a wry smile which I'm sure he considered returning. He nods to them all in turn, raising a brow at the worrisome Mikasa. "And your issue is still Jeager right? Just shake or nod, can't be bothered listening to you snivel."

Nod.

"And you're worried, yes?"

Nod.

"But you can't do anything because he's being an obstinate brat about all this?"

A pause, but an eventual nod.

"Then consider how we feel Ackerman, watching the Commander fight for his life and for the future of this entire regiment. We're worried and can't do a damn thing because we _literally_ can't do a damn thing. Sometimes the bigger picture takes priority, that doesn't necessarily mean anyone has given up on anyone else. Understood?"

Another pause, and a confused glance upwards before a small nod and blush.

"Now either eat that or head straight for a shit, take a shower, then go the fuck to sleep. Sick of snivelling brats with too little patience and too much B.O." He sets the two trays of food down a little harder than needed, and of course manages to make us all jump a bit. "Understood, cadet?"

Nod.

Mikasa stands, dips her head to the table and scuttles off, looking nothing like herself, but every bit the worried girlfriend. Only problem being that that couldn't be further from what Eren saw her as. I sigh and look with thanks to Levi and Armin, apparently placating wasn't what Mikasa needed right now, a stern word was. I wasn't all that good at being mean to her when really I can relate too well, I just so happened to be better versed at hypocrisy.

"Springer looks like you could do with some more sleep too, Artlet as well. Ensure you rest enough, it's all well and good soldiering through the exhaustion, but when it comes down to it I don't want you passing out when I need you most. Then you're just sleeping targets. We don't know what's coming for the next few days and we need to be prepared for anything." Levi sips his coffee and starts eating, not looking at either of them as the two young men nod in submission. They wanted to step up, to help the younger cadets in this confusing time, but right now they had to prioritise themselves too.

"I'll let you know if there's any big issue with Eren, I promise." I add in with a small smile to them both, each seeming slightly calmed by this. They would do as ordered, but now they could do so in the knowledge that they wouldn't be kept out of the loop either.

All about the give and take right?

When the hell did I become the mother figure...

It's a fairly normal day otherwise, cadets go to and fro, normal duties are chatted about and set to as the morning continues. It feels so odd considering everything happening right now. Hopefully Erwin continued to be on the mend, but I knew the look in Keza's eyes was one of worry. Something was bound to catch him up, be it fatigue or infection, something would be lingering. And then there were our prisoners to take into account, after all they were the reason we had headed back so much earlier than planned. We had to try and get some answers out of them, even if we couldn't trust everything that they told us – if anything at all. And finally Eren, with all this information pressing down into him he was quickly being swallowed up by his own demons.

I finish my breakfast and look at my hands as I cradle my coffee, the skin is slightly pink whilst I hold onto that heat, the swirling steam rising up and clinging to my fringe as I take careful sips. The dark liquid ripples gently from my lips and I lick residue away as that warmth slides down my throat, lingering in my gut and acting as fuel for my fire. So many mornings I had gone through this ritual, so many mornings I had felt this warmth, and yet today it felt so vital. Today it felt absolutely necessary. I drum my nails against the mug and smile as the gentle notes tinkle around. It wasn't so long ago that those same hands, ever-so-slightly blushed by the coffee's touch, would be blotched as they healed from a scrubbing session. On and on I would rake that brush over my skin, never content, always spotting another fleck of blood, or stain to obliterate. My teeth would snap together as the soap bubbles became tinged by my guilt. Finally the water would hiss loudly, the evidence slowly circling the drain before sliding out of sight, but never fully out of mind.

I couldn't let that happen to Eren.

If I did, then it might also happen to Mikasa.

The dominoes line up in my head and I finish the last of my cup, focusing on that fire and using it to hone everything else. This was the edge of everything; one side held recovery and regrouping, a hope for the future and all we had yet to accomplish. On the other side? I set the cup down and stare at its vacancy. On the other side was an endless plummet, down and down we would tumble, losing grasp on anything until eventually we would smack into the coldness below. The dark liquid rippling from us would not stay warm for long, gradually chilling as it sunk into the earth and dragged all our ambition with it.

Dammit.

I sit back with a tired sigh, we were off the battle field and yet somehow I felt like we had landed in a fresh one on the home front. At least Valarie was in chains, that was something of a comfort if nothing else. If we hadn't encountered the Sword Toothed Titan out in the field I know I would have been worrying about it right now. I just shudder to think of what else might be about to pile on top of us. The Scouts needed a break; and as we couldn't afford a physical one, hopefully some answers or closure would allow for a mental one. Hopefully.

I put the tray away and begin to head for the dungeon, each step feeling heavy as it coincides with my heartbeat. It's oddly controlled considering the mess I expected to be at this point, but instead my hands are steady and my breathing even. The eye of the storm perhaps? I swallow hard and try not to think about it too much, glad to have some nerve for once, and glad to feel my Captain fall into step beside me as we head down towards that door. I was far too familiar with this door now, having stared at it for a long time whilst Levi remained captive. Over and over I had studied the grain, I knew every warp and knot in that wood.

"One step at a time, Brat. First we'll go see Jeager all right? Otherwise you'll be distracted, and he might kick off if Valarie starts any head games." Murmurs Levi behind me, never rushing me, but not allowing hesitation to take hold either.

"Good plan, sir." I nod and I feel that small tension that came with the use of his title, but right now I need to be in the right head-space. If I was his Robyn and he my Levi then I would look to him for strength, but I cannot chance that this time. If head-games came into play like he had suggested, then Valarie had far more sway over him than she did over me. I had to be able to be there for him as well, and without my irritating tendency to use him as a crutch. It was a bad habit I had to break, and now was the time to do so.

"Just stay with me all right?" He breathes quietly and I pause for a moment to look back at him on the stairs, a bubble wrapping round us as I look up at him and smile, the lantern flickering beside us in the damp air. His fingers graze my cheek and I nod.

"Of course. Always." I lean into the touch but then frown as I realise this kind of apprehension must have been something Eren experienced whenever he was approaching me during my six months of guilt-riddled wallowing. I bite my lip.

"Brat? What is it?"

"We can go see Eren but... we shouldn't expect him to willingly leave the cells right away." I explain and I practically feel the way his gaze tightens on me.

"How so?"

"He'll fight us, not want to talk to us... he's gonna keep trying to push us away and try to deal with it himself." I explain and I see the question bubble into Levi's eyes. "I know because it's what I kept doing to him when he tried to bring me back... when he tried to talk me out of that dark place for six months."

"You think he's punishing you for that?" Levi tilts his head, not sounding all that convinced by his own theory before I have even had time to shake my head. I think Levi's just trying to wrap his head round this as well, seems we were both trying to psych ourselves up.

"Not consciously anyway, no. But Eren can be even more stubborn than me at times... we might have to just leave him there to overhear our conversation with the trio of bastards. You okay with that possibility?"

"Not thrilled about it, but I can manage." Levi shrugs, and I don't like to consider how often that mindset had to be applied to his life in this regiment.

I turn and descend into that familiar space, the strange echoing nature to everything as the HQ above continued on like normal. Little bits of dust fall down every so often, and there is the general aroma of damp and stone. Then again, as dungeons went, ours were fairly clean thanks to the Cleaning Fairy himself. I am about to keep walking when I pause and sigh at the sight of keys cast against the far wall. Eren had clearly come down here, locked himself inside, done the shackles up and then flung the keys away through the bars. It was impulsive and yet so methodical at the same time. So much darkness was shrouding him, I just had to hope I was capable of leading him out of it like he had with me. Now I could finally try to pay him back.

My footsteps seem so loud all of a sudden that I hold my breath, a habit I had long since forgotten about. I used to do it when I was still at home, noise never having been a favourite of my father's. At least noise that wasn't himself. If I had to go to the toilet in the middle of the night I would be terrified of the smallest creak coming from the floorboards. One wrong footfall and my parents bedroom door would fly open, father stood looming out of the darkness as he grumbled before kicking me back towards my bedroom. My tongue feels so heavy I wonder whether I need to vomit, this being far from the head-space I had intended to inhabit for this moment.

I try not to look into the first cell and fail miserably, being faced with our three adversaries earlier than intended. All three of them had been flung into the one cell, so it was rather cramped, but then again we were hardly wanting them to be comfortable. The glasses balancing on the end of that dirtied nose glint as the woman turns to me, blinking into the lantern light.

"I'd say good evening but truly I have no idea what time of day it is." Sighs Valarie as she leans against the wall, playing with the links of her chain in a bored manner. That keen gaze swivels over to me and I clasp my hands behind my back, avoiding her seeing the lingering tremor therein. Even now, with her chained and worn down in that cell, perfectly safe and contained, I find myself with a quickened heart. Why was she still having such an effect on me?

"Good morning." I nod and mean to carry on when I hear a low chuckle and pause without meaning to. Levi is right behind me and I can already feel the way he is glaring through those bars at this woman.

"Seems that young Jeager boy has got himself into quite the state over all this... did he really think Daddy dearest was still alive after all this time?"

"A little optimism doesn't hurt anyone." I snap and she laughs again, tilting her head and causing that hair to fall in front of her beady eyes.

"I would say that boy needs to wake up. I never knew such a naïve soldier." She snorts. I want to wrench those chains around her neck and squeeze till I hear a satisfying snap, but for now I just grind my teeth together instead.

"You've no right to judge him or anyone else, human emotion isn't something I could expect a monster to understand." I hiss, marching on and hearing that damned cackle echo after me.

"At least I am human." Her voice bounces around and I dig my nails into my palms as I try to calm myself, thinking back to that steadiness I had before and trying to reclaim it. By the time we come to Eren's cell I almost have it back, before it's pulled out from under me and I stagger.

Huddled in the corner of the cell, shackles tightly around his wrists and ankles, digging in as I see a little blood on his skin where the metal shifts, followed by small streams of steam too. He sits there only in his trousers and shirt, having already rid himself of his straps, jacket, boots and socks. All the signs of being a soldier, now looking the part of a prisoner. Those bright green eyes don't look up, remaining downcast. I feel my heart grow heavy at the lack of light there and I swallow hard as I realise his mouth is moving. I can't hear what he's saying but occasionally he shakes his head, grits his teeth and continues on with what I can barely make out as 'sorry', 'mum', 'monster' in amongst everything else.

I look to Levi but in that moment I see just as much shock in his face as I feel. I don't think even he can bring himself to berate Eren right now, and in all honesty I have no idea where to even begin. I can't get him out of those shackles, I can tell that for a start, and the way his legs are already pushing himself back against the stonewall as though trying to escape us, I know we won't manage to drag him out either. This wasn't him punishing me or anyone else but himself.

"E-Eren?" I hate that I allowed myself to stammer but as my voice reaches him he flinches back, shaking his head, legs still scrambling back. I approach the bars slowly, sliding down to rest on my knees. "Eren can you hear me?" I try again.

"Leave." He whispers and I practically hear Levi's patience give a groan behind me. I swallow hard and lick my lips, hands still shaking as I smell the rust of the bars when I lean my head between them.

"Eren listen to me, this... this isn't the answer. Mikasa and Armin... they're so worried... we all are. Please. Let us unshackle you and then we can-"

"No."

"Eren listen to me-"

"No! God dammit why can't you get this through your head Robyn?! I fucking ate my own father, I _murdered_ him and was a damned beast when I did it! That excuses nothing. I cannot simply sit there among you all and pretend that I don't know what I know. This isn't Humanity's Hope, it's part of their worst nightmare!" He yells, voice snapping back into place as he sits up and jabs at his chest. I grit my teeth, about to argue when suddenly he's up and straining against the chains, them clinking and grinding as fresh blood pools at his wrists and ankles. I can't help leaning away. "Just leave me here and look after the Commander. I know this is bullshit, I know it must seem damned self-indulgent and pointless, but I genuinely don't trust myself out there right now! So just go Robyn, fucking _leave_!" He yells, tears pooling in his eyes suddenly alight with a fresh passion, but as it is a passion borne of self-hate I cannot be thankful for it. In fact I hate it.

"Whilst I'm glad to know you're mature enough to know when to trust yourself Jeager, you're still being a dumbass."

"Captain..." Eren pants, the chains going slack as he staggers back. "Please, just get her out of here. Please."

"Snivelling..." Levi sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose before approaching the bars and looming over me to lean against them casually. I have no idea where he's going with this, so I just stay quiet, trusting him to do whatever it was he thought was best for Eren. Or maybe the regiment.

"Captain I already know how much this'll disgust you. I already know how pathetic I am, it's been highlighted and drilled into me. No need to waste your breath. I can't trust myself not to hurt the regiment so just-"

"Then there's all the more reason for you to get out of here." Says Levi quietly, the keys jangling as he dangles them from his hand. "When the only people able to trust you is everyone but you? That's when you need to face this shit, brat. It's when you learn to trust your team, your regiment, your Squad."

For some reason I get the feeling Levi is talking from experience here.

"B-But-"

"If you can't trust yourself, then trust your team. Trust your childhood friend's... hell... trust me if it makes a difference." The door creaks open suddenly and I realise Levi has moved away, fully opening the cell before pausing. "I was assigned as being in charge of your life, correct?"

A shaky nod.

"I was able to beat you to a pulp in front of that courtroom to save your life, whilst knowing you knew the lengths you had to go to in order to prove yourself, correct?"

Slow nod.

"Robyn stood beside you and never once looked at you like a monster, correct?"

Nod and gulp.

"You trust us?"

Nod.

Eren then backs up till he's flush against the wall, kneeling down and seeming to cower as the Captain approaches. There's no fear in the Captain, no hesitation and certainly no reservation either. Instead he strides in there as though dealing with nothing but a troublesome brat. I smile softly, knowing that really that was all Levi saw Eren as right now. He knew Eren pretty well these days, and I think he knew as well as I did that Eren would never shift down here. Not only would he risk killing Levi and myself, but he could hurt those above as well. He would never allow that to happen.

Quite often I found myself unsure of whether to think of Eren as a man or a boy, an adult or a child, and yet right now I know he feels the same kind of confusion. Only worse. He isn't sure whether to think of himself as human or not, as Titan or Soldier. We had to help him figure it out, we had to help him find himself again.

"Captain... g-get out... please..."

"No. I'm not leaving this cell without you brat, look at me. Look at me." He repeats almost angrily, and Eren does as bid, bottom lip wobbling as he looks with imploring in his eyes. "Trust that I and Robyn know who you are. What we learned the other night doesn't change that for me, and I know it doesn't change it for her."

"I... how..."

"You ate your father because he took a child into the forest at night, injected him with some crazy serum shit and purposefully allowed himself to die. I won't pretend to know why your Father did that, Jeager. I don't think I _want_ to know. But I what I _do_ know is that you're not the killing kind... not without reason at least." He adds quickly as I think we all thought of the rather glaring example of those men who tried to kidnap Mikasa. But even then Eren had been fighting for justice, even then he had sought to make some good in the world.

"Eren... listen to him. You know he's right." I breathe when those green eyes look to me in confusion. I swallow hard and nod, hoping to still have a little trust in his heart, a little faith.

"If you can't trust yourself, then trust that I, the man ordered to kill you if given reason to, and the crazy brat over there, the one who has been your friend through all this shit, that we both do. Can you do that?"

A pause, an unsure glance at me, a weary look to Levi, and finally a nod.

"It's not much, but right now kid it's all you've got. Now stand the fuck up and let me undo those chains." Levi orders and slowly Eren stands, still shaking as confusion remains in his head. But right now I believe he had wavered to the side of soldier, to the side of man. It was a long way from a solution, but if it got him out of this dank place, I was willing to accept it as a start. It would also help calm Mikasa down I'm sure.

As he stumbles into the open I pull him into a tight hug, stroking a hand through his hair as he winds those arms round me and I feel a final sob run through him. He nuzzles against my shoulder and I smile in thanks to Levi who just nods and closes the cell door behind himself. It's all quiet for a moment before slow clapping begins to echo down our way and I tighten my hold on Eren.

"Okay, now that we've got this far, I need you to keep going, Eren." I sniff and lean back, cupping his face and smiling at him. Those green eyes are still dulled, but at least they seem to really see me this time. His jaw is taught as the clapping gets louder, the taunting applause thrumming in ours ears as I lick my lips and try to stay calm for now.

"Head upstairs? Take a shower and sleep?" Guesses Eren, glancing at Levi and presumably getting confirmation as he nods back. He then looks to me again and swallows hard. "Don't let her get to you please... she was whispering such vile things earlier." He shakes his head, Levi appearing beside me as I let go and smooth down my own uniform.

"Like what? _Shut it_!" He yells down the corridor, the clapping juttering to a halt. "That's fucking better." He sighs. Eren shifts his weight and scratches the back of his head.

"Things about the Commander hopefully dying... pieces falling into place. Messing with you two again, to uh... to relive those... th-those 'glorious six months'. It was all a bit incoherent for a while, but one of her henchmen lost it, started yelling at her to stop, that we were gonna kill them." He shrugs. "Seems like he was shaken up pretty bad."

"Hopefully the fucker that stabbed me." I mutter between my teeth, both men looking to me with slight alarm. "Hey, I want that bastard on his back foot, the better for me to make him pay right?"

"Don't lose yourself." Says Eren, an echo effect seeming to happen as Levi nearly nods before remembering himself and clearing his throat. He smooths back his hair and touches Eren's shoulder.

"Get upstairs and have some guards linger by the door. Got it?"

"Yes, sir." Eren says before hurrying off, not even looking into that cell before he disappears into the world above. As the door snaps shut I sigh and look to Levi, taking his hand and squeezing it.

"You were great."

"I was a Captain." He shrugs, but I see that smirk and know he's pleased with himself. Even if only a little. "Shall we?"

I nod and we head along to the cell in question, both lingering on the far side of the corridor as neither of us is keen on being in close proximity to that damned woman. As we come into view she grins broadly, and I watch her two servants sweat in their shackles. I don't believe either of them is feeling very loyal right now, not with their past discrepancies laid before them so blatantly. When the man who had haunted my dreams for so long finally looks my way, I stare into his watery eyes and don't even blink, I want him to feel as small as I did. In fact I want him to feel even smaller than that, as insignificant and powerless as humanly possible.

They had asked me not to lose myself, but really I felt like closing this issue for me would allow me to finally feel fully like myself again. Finding it after so long. It wasn't much of course, I had done well in recovery and had come on leaps and bounds since first remembering. But I still jumped when hearing a voice behind me I hadn't expected, I still felt uneasy when someone's gaze lingered on me too long. It had made me uneasy, and I was sick of that slight disjoint from everything. I wanted to be me again, to be the unshakeable Robyn Sanshi who gave no fucks.

They had asked me not to lose myself.

In all honesty I wasn't about to make any promises.

* * *

 **Ooooh moody Robyn incoming. Perhaps time for some payback? Muhahaha you shall have to wait and see my awesome readers! I will warn you now though, this is likely to be another few chapters of... well... fairly messed up stuff! So prepare for feels and all that lovely juicy mess!**

 **Hope you enjoyed, please leave a fav, follow and or review as I LOVE to hear from you all. Thanks for reading!**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Sebastian: it's only gonna get darker m'dear, just you wait and see. Oooh boy! Thanks for the praise and thanks for reviewing, always a thrill to know I still have people here from waaaay back when :D**

 **UmbreonGurl: I'm glad you feel bad for him if you see him as a dick otherwise! I actually love him as a charatcer, to read and write, and whilst I think he's detached a lot of the time, I don't think he ever disregards the loss of life. Then again its easy to read a character in a number of ways, so carry on as you are, not meaning to preach *runs away*. But yeah, he'll certainly be seeing it as that :) thanks for the review! Hope the update was ok for you!**


	44. Evils

**Hello again :) 2 week update not so bad. Hope you're all well and hope you're ready for some... well quite frankly dark dark daaaark content.**

 **WARNING: I think this might be the darkest chapter YET of this fic, so please be aware of that. I didn't intend it to go this dark but stream on consciousness just kinda... went there I guess. I had intended flashback things to come into this but... well you'll see. Anyway! Graphic descriptions, ADULT/DISTURBING content.**

 **Um... enjoy?**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT and genuinely didn't intend to make this many feels...**

 **Note: Manga spoilers potentially around from now on.**

 **See you on the other side m'dears.**

* * *

 **VALARIE POV**

I don't ever remember this being a part of my training, part of my upbringing. I had never once, in all my years sat in etiquette classes and Ladies Training, been told how to sit elegantly whilst in shackles. It was impossible. Along with that newfound difficulty is something I had considered before, but having been chained to these two morons beside me for a day or so now I know I need to implement a new rule once I have returned home: all henchmen have to shower _at least_ once a day. I would put it down to the amount of time we have been in captivity, but I'm fairly sure I don't smell like that, my nose hairs feel singed for goodness sake! Then again I suppose they're both probably sweating a lot more than I am, after all I'm not the one who held down that Sanshi whore and made good of her. A chuckle escapes me as I consider the hell they're in for.

Such bad boys.

Then again she only knew about the one time right? It wouldn't be so bad, it could easily be worse. My mind ticks over and I feel an idea form as the lantern across from us gives another pathetic sizzle in the damp. It was always good to be considered the lesser of the two evils. You got over-looked as rage took hold of the one wielding that revenge laden mindset. If Robyn were to suddenly find out about all the other little nights they had spent together, or even just another one perhaps... I might just get forgotten about. It would at least buy me some more time, that was for sure. I can't help the grin, but I quickly swallow it as I hear voices descending into our humble abode.

I hope they're here for Jeager.

I have never been one to put up with snivelling.

On reflection, had One known about the boy's ability to wallow and self-loathe I would have never told him about his dearly devoured father. I had expected him to either rage out into his Titan form, or simply go and kill himself. Either one would have been the decent thing to do, let's face it. But no, he had been pandered to, cared for, loved. Blah, blah, blah, these damned commoners never knew how to get to the point did they? For all their talk about our ways of wasting time, they knew how to do it plenty themselves. I suppose they don't have much better to do with their lives, but when it became such a nuisance to myself and my patience I'm afraid I can be only so understanding.

Robyn passes us by, and I can't resist calling out to her. I don't enjoy many games, the rules of most of them seemed tedious, but this one had to be considered a favourite. She was so easy to play with.

The flecks of fear that pass over her gaze, that strange colour she had inherited from her maniac of a father, it intrigues me. He had been the black sheep of the family in so many ways, and yet somehow he had created this thing before me. This irritatingly lovely creature. Ivory skin, eyes the colour of finery, hair emblazoned by the colour of the purest blood. The mongrel was the epitome of beauty. Damn I wish I'd let these two rats have her a thousand more times. Or indeed for her father to have finished the job.

Our little conversation comes to an end and she moves away, the Captain in her shadow with his eyes so well trained on her. Is that possession or devotion? Not sure I know the difference. I can't quite decide who owns who in that situation; they both seem so silly in their dependency, and yet so fierce when alone as well. Peasants were meant to be easily read, that was what my Mother had taught me, my Governess, and my Father too, yet these Scouts always managed to trip me up. Then again she wasn't all Peasant was she? I sigh. The stupid woman didn't believe me for whatever reason, but then again maybe it was best that she didn't? I don't imagine she would ever want the crown anyway, but it would be handy for her not to even consider her own claim to it. Fewer enemies to be swept under the knife's edge was always the better option. Less messy.

If only the experiments had worked!

That 'if only' always sets my teeth on edge.

If only her father had not been so damned useless in getting her to that point. Sure enough he had managed to break Robyn down, when she was six the girl was as fragile as a flower in early spring, all shaken and nervous. You barely had to say the word 'boo' and she'd be flinching back under a table, cowering from the world like she was meant to. It was easy to command someone so eager to kneel. I grit my teeth, remembering how perfect a specimen she had been. None of the other lower-rank families had managed it, their compassion getting in the way, or indeed they had taken it too far and ended up killing the child instead. Idiots. But Sanshi? No, Sanshi had done it right, and his daughter had been ripe for the picking. As our weapon she would have been glorious, she would have been so much more than simply an adequate soldier of the Scouts, a reformed street urchin with her belly all torn out. Ugh. All that potential squandered!

As I hear her talking to Jeager I have to wonder how different things would have turned out if her father hadn't gone so far over that edge. If he hadn't set fire to their home and murdered her mother and brother. Where would we be now? Would she have successfully taken to the serum, become our weapon and forged a new path for this walled world? Or would she have simply succumbed to the same madness as her father and ended up buried deep beneath the palace in one of our many, many cells? Considering how well she had taken to the way of the military, to the way of control and battle, I feel like she would have served us well. Robyn Sanshi could have been the key.

I sigh and lean my head back against the wall, staring up at a drip forming in the ceiling. How the hell had I, Valarie Reiss, ended up here in this dank place? I was on top of my game, finally able to be a part of the change and being out on the field of glorious battle. Sure, it was a damn sight messier than first indicated, and yes I had been attacked a couple times. But I had been close, I had been so close.

My day would come.

I didn't doubt that for a second.

The only issue here was my waning patience.

And I knew, in some way or another, I might still be able to use her. Somehow. Robyn Sanshi, my damned deranged cousin, or half-cousin - or however their filthy bloodline was related to mine - she could still be the key. She could still be forged, used, and instrumental in getting me to the top. One way or the other, even if I needed to break her over and over and over and over-

"Oi, Valarie, snap out of it." Interrupts the Captain suddenly, voice breaking through my oh-so-pleasant strategising. I blink, and focus back on my dank little home. I look over at him and smile pleasantly, watching that mask remain motionless whilst Robyn steps forward with those easily read eyes. Was she aware of how much of an open book she was to me? Did she know I could read her as easily as the word upon the page?

I had broken this woman in every way possible. Strapped down, whipped into a pulp, washed down with saltwater and kept awake for days. I had burned her, flayed her, drowned her. I owned her. In those dark rooms where I was Queen I had seen every expression of agony, heard every octave of anguish, felt every exquisite essence of pain ooze out of her. This woman's soul - so stretched, worn through, blood-stained, and scrubbed raw, that frankly it looked more like an unloved dish-rag – was something I knew better than my own.

"How fares your strapping Commander? I hear he had some problems on the mission? Things got a little out of hand?"

"He's doing just fine, thanks for asking." Robyn says between her teeth.

"A little compassion need not cost an arm or leg." I grin, watching the frustration bubble up between them as I poke at their nerves. It was like plucking the strings upon a taught harp, their noble hearts pinging with angst as each note struck the air.

Intoxicating.

"You're disgusting." Robyn shakes her head at me with that elegant nose all wrinkled up in derision. I sincerely hope she knows how that might start to age her soon. That pleasant complexion wouldn't stay perfect forever, and she had already ruined her body with all that unsightly scarring. Well... not that I hadn't helped her with that.

"Oh come now, I'm only joking with you, no need to keep me at arm's length. Or has your sense of humour been amputated along with your sense of propriety?" I laugh and watch that golden colour flash with anger.

"Where do the white-cloaks end? Do you have a base? What other strategies do you have in play?" Robyn lists off her questions bitterly and I sigh, playing with a link in my chain, wondering how long it would take to find the weakest.

"Such a dry and boring subject isn't it?"

"It's the only one worth considering right now." She retorts and I give a slow nod.

"I suppose in your tiny world that must be true. All right then... we are everywhere, we have no base unless you want to call the entirety of Humanity's remaining civilisation 'a base'. And we have such a complex web of plans that your brain might just give out trying to understand them all." I purr at her and am rather annoyed to not see more anger, in fact the damned woman smiles at me. Why didn't some people know when to be afraid?

"If you were that powerful the Scouts would have never gotten as far as they have, and you would have never allowed an idealist like Erwin to take charge in the first place." Robyn says, a tickle of a laugh almost entering that honeyed voice, and I feel sick to my stomach as she radiates that essence of confidence.

"What's the point in asking me questions if you won't accept my answers?"

"No harm in asking, you're not exactly going anywhere are you?" Robyn mutters and I let the chains clank against the floor again.

"As far as you know... pretty sure that night I first turned up you didn't think anything was amiss, that Eren wasn't going anywhere either." I hum.

"He didn't go anywhere, I saw to that. You failed Valarie."

"Oh no dear child, I was delayed perhaps, a set-back even. But no. I haven't failed, I have too many back-ups to have failed. Patience is something that good breeding gives you, I am infused with the knowledge I will succeed. All you're infused with is a confused sense of purpose and rather short-sighted loyalty to a man currently halfway to death's door." I do try my utmost, but the laughter slips into my voice and I shake my head, hand to my mouth as I try and contain my giggles.

Her hands grip the bars and opportunity winks at me.

I feel a surge of power, thankful in that moment for my bloodline's gift with memory, nudging Robyn's fragile mind into the area of recollection. All I needed was a bit more time on my side, and then this whole stinking situation could be resolved. She blinks, letting go of the bars like they had stung her, probably feeling that strange pressure of long lost memory bubbling up like oil slick in a muddy puddle. _Hands wrapped round rusted bars, clinging on for dear life as the shackles rubbed against her raw wrists, her teeth clenched tight to keep the noises from escaping her throat as they attacked her yet again. I knelt down before her and stared unyieldingly as she begged me to make it stop, her voice hitching every time those men's skin slapped against her own and made her wince in pain._ I can't be sure how much of the memory she got, but as the confusion clouds her eyes and a heavy silence takes over the cells, I tilt my head and blink innocently.

"Feeling all right there, Robyn?" I ask sweetly, the two men next to me starting to shiver all over again. Damn cowards.

"Sanshi?" The Captain says, attempting to keep things formal as he leans forward and touches her shoulder. But of course with this strange echo of a memory running through her frazzled mind, the little Spring Flower flinches away from him. I feel the Captain looking at me and I return that gaze evenly matched, he can read me no better than she can.

"Something the matter, Captain?" I ask, listening to the slight uptake in Robyn's breathing as she tries to deny the memory she just felt crawl under her skin. Plenty more where that came from sweetheart. Plenty more.

"What was your intention when attacking our outpost? Simply wipe us out or getting hold of Eren again?" He asks, apparently taking the professional route as Robyn steps back and leans against the wall. Those bright eyes dart about the place blindly, like she's searching for an answer to a question she isn't even sure of how to ask. Confusion was her way of life right? Vincent Sanshi started the process all those years ago, I could easily finish the job and make her my weapon now. All I had to do was wait, play the game, know my pieces well.

"Whatever do you mean, Captain Levi? I attacked no one." I shrug, smiling at him still and making that strong jaw clench even tighter. Go on Captain, coil up for me, get so wound up in your need to protect that fool behind you and this troublesome regiment, that I can simply pull one of your strings and get you back on all fours. Go on. Do it you cretinous pawn.

"You're in no position to play games, woman."

"On the contrary dear Captain Levi, I have nothing better to do _except_ play games. And what better pieces to play with than you two? We had so much fun together after all..." I sigh wistfully and watch those skilled hands clench into fists, weapons ready to lash out at anything and everything in this world. So much anger lingered in that man, so much loss and pain. He was a violin solo all in himself, lamenting the world's cruelty as he fought on and on. What a petulant soldier. What a particularly perfect play-thing.

"Quit the riddles." He snarls and as I watch that anger light those eyes I give another nudge, watching more oil curdle upon the surface of a mind, his throat bobbing as he swallows down whatever threat he had ready to throw my way. It's difficult to threaten someone when you're remembering something oh-so-terrible. _Hands clenched tight as he curses her name, voice raw and cracked by the time those gold eyes finally dulled into death's hold. It had been difficult but we had found plenty girls who fit the description well enough to convince his drug addled mind. On and on it went, his hands tightened like vices round those pale slender throats, rattling those frail bodies and making their blood-red dyed hair flail as they begged for mercy. But to no avail. Snap. Snap._ _ **Snap**_ _. Like a child playing with fire-crackers upon the cobbles of town. So much hate filled him for the Female Titan, and that was what she was to him, that was what we had made him think of her as. He had been fooled, tricked, lied to; and now she had to pay. Neck after neck was broken like brittle firewood and he watched those lives burn out at his will. Sometimes he cried, sometimes he celebrated, but always he killed._ I push him a little harder, knowing that I had managed to garner so much more control over his calculating mind during our time together. Six months was a long time for me to be allowed a toy, a tin soldier to move to my beating drum.

"L-Levi?" I hear that small voice, so similar to when she had cried for her mother as the badly times flames licked the sky. Her pale hand touches his shoulder this time, and now it's his turn to flinch away, alarm in his pale eyes as he feels those necks giving way to his strength. He hears their pleas. He tastes that revenge. A dangerous place to be lost in right now, a past in which he had been trained to kill the woman he so stupidly loved, when she was right in front of him, shaken up and probably incapable of running away.

"Oh dear... whatever is the matter Captain? You better snap out of it." I say with a tut of my tongue and he visibly flinches away from my words. My puppets dance so beautifully for me. How they would scramble when the time came; strings all tangled up as they watched the final stages of ours plans come to fruition. Tin Soldiers ready to be melted down and turned into something else, into our own weapon, into our own design.

* * *

 **ROBYN POV**

It feels like when that serum had coursed through my veins, when Hanji had turned me into a killing machine. My mind fizzes as I stand there, trying to stay in the present as that memory makes me want to gag. The thirst engulfs me, smothering me. But I can't allow it in right now, I see something in Levi's eyes I hadn't seen for a while now. Fear. The same fear he had when we first kissed again, when he woke from his nightmares, when he felt them winning.

"Levi look at me." I implore as he stares at the ground, jaw taught and hands clenched. He's holding onto something, but I can tell it's not working. The hell had she done and how the fuck had she done it? I glance to the stairs and know we have to get out of here.

"Robyn we need to-"

"Shh, Levi, we're just helping you remember." Valarie says, and I shiver violently, feeling cold memories pool within me as my breathing quickens. Her smile leers at us and I know I have to get him out of there.

"Don't listen." I hiss, but he doesn't respond, his mouth slightly ajar as he stares at her. That small lift to his brow telling me he was right back there, reliving something awful. "Levi, ple-"

" _Levi please!" I cry out, voice raw as my body is finally allowed to fall onto the stone ground after what feels like hours of torment. My knees scrape against the cold stone, nails cakes in muck as I scramble over, fixedly ignoring the rest of the pain. I can't let myself think about it for now, I only have so much sanity left. He lays on the other side of the bars, so broken as he's held in place, made to watch. Once again she had made him witness those thugs... I feel sick but I just reach through and hold his hands tightly._

" _Please, I love you, please Levi don't let them win. D-Don't." I beg as the iron door swings open and shut again. We don't have much time. Those heavy steps are approaching again. Finally Levi looks at me, eyes red round the edges and pupils blown so wide I can barely see those silver shades._

" _I... I won't." He croaks, his own voice broken by now. I chance a smile and he grips my hands tighter as I feel someone grip me, hauling me back and wrenching us apart again. I scream. My lungs ache, my body burns, but I keep flailing, keep shrieking until yet again I feel that syringe pierce into my neck and slowly the world dims. I feel numbness take me, eyes rolling till I can only vaguely see the ceiling. Where am I again?_

"I-I won't." Levi says barely above a whisper, and I swallow hard at the present. Oh gods he had remembered it too. If it was even real. The vision surges and I stumble against the wall, the view no longer from my own eyes that currently stream with confused tears.

"Lev-" my voice cuts out as the world melts into memories again.

His memories?

" _Stop... stop this..." I plead, hand stretching uselessly through those fucking bars, reaching for her now limp body as that big-booted bastard injects her with yet more poison. Why make her conscious for it at all if you're only going to wipe her mind of it anyway? I want to vomit, I want to go mad, I want anything except this memory. Those heels clack over to me and those boots as well, suddenly I'm pulled to my feet and a rag is in front of my face._

" _You have a choice now my dear Captain. Clean her up and make it believable that it was nothing more than another beating, or let my henchman here do it." She smiles, waving that rag like a dog's treat. I spit at her, the prick holding onto me tightening his grip till I'm fairly sure he's gonna break a bone. Well go ahead you bastard, right now I don't give a damn what you to do me._

" _I'm not your lackie. Clean up your own mess, bitch." I hiss at her, voice burning with every word. I'd never been a big talker, but over the past few days, however many it had been, I had done more screaming and begging than in my life. Only trouble being I had no pride left to care. I told her I wouldn't let them win, I just wish it hadn't been a lie._

" _You should consider it, Captain." She whispers, stepping forward and running her hand along my jaw. I grit my teeth._

" _Why do you let her be awake for it, if you're only wanting her to forget now?!" I growl and that hand goes along my jaw again, stroking me like an obedient mutt._

" _I'm not someone to bet on victory being easily won, I know things can go awry and I plan on having plenty back up plays. I won't be outdone by simple soldiers."_

" _You're insane." I cough._

" _You really want him to touch her? To attend to her most intimate body parts after such brutality? Wouldn't you rather it were you? The man who supposedly loves her?"_

" _I do love her you callous fuck." I croak weakly, no walls left to hide behind. She tuts._

" _And yet let us do all those terrible things?"_

" _I didn't_ _ **let**_ _you do anything!" I yell, too desperate to convince even my sorry self. She grins. The bitch knows I don't believe it and I just hang my head. Fuck. Robyn I'm so fucking sorry... you put your faith in the wrong person yet again._

" _So take the rag and tend to your little woman, oh and Levi?" She says, handing me the rag when the brute has finally let me go, allowing me to stumble. I take the rag and watch that sickening smile spread over her lips. "Remember what comes after the clean-up. Can't have her knowing what went on from the bruising can we?"_

" _One day... one day I'm gonna make you pay for this..." I snarl as I take the rag and enter the cell that stinks of the crimes committed. I stagger over, watching my Robyn stare blindly up at the ceiling, lips still parted as she pants. For a moment I consider killing her anyway, ending this torment for her, but the coward in me reels back from that idea and I just do as I'm told._

 _As the lesser of two evils, it was still fucking vile._

 _Those bastards had done everything to break her._

 _I run the rag over her, small twitches occurring as she flinches away, a whimper or two escaping her through the fog of whatever that fucking drug was. I swallow hard and concentrate on what I'm doing, eventually getting her to a semi-respectable state as I pull her trousers back up and do her belt buckle, my hands shaking all over the place. I stand up and look through the bars, watching that woman smile at me and nod._

" _Go on then. Finish the illusion."_

" _No." I try, hands shaking even more as they curl to fists. That woman laughs at me, cold notes echoing as she tilts her head and then shrugs._

" _All right, get out and let my friend here take over, he'll give her a proper work over, she might even end up with internal bleeding, I know how carried away he can get." She sighs, cleaning her nails._

" _F-Fuck you." I spit, looking down at Robyn and watching her slowly blink, complexion pale except the slight blush on her cheeks from exhaustion. We really were burning together now, huh? I stand over her and know I'm evil, I know I'm disgusting, I know I'm everything vile in this world in one bastard package. If only I was strong enough to snap her neck right? If only I was good enough to save her. I run this through my pathetic mind as I draw my foot back and and strike hard, knowing exactly where to hit so she had bruising, so she had pain, but so she didn't actually have real damage done to her. All I can hope is that the bitch beyond the bars doesn't know that, if she did, she might send in her hench-bastard anyway._

 _Small whimpers escape her again, face contorted yet again with agony._

" _Stop it... please..." She wheezes, hands gripping the stone as I do my dirty work in trying to make it even slightly better for her. As soon as blood speckles her chapped lips I can stop, that woman outside snapping her fingers and slowly applauding._

" _Good work, Captain. Now let's allow her to rest shall we?"_

" _I'm sorry... I'm so fucking sorry..."_

"Stop this!" I scream, the vision finally melting away and leaving behind a cold silence that thrums around us. I don't know how she did it, but as I finally feel that pressure leave my mind I try to pull Levi away from Valarie as he staggered towards the bars. I wanted to kill her too, but I didn't want to risk another flashback right now. For the time being he was still on his feet, but I wasn't sure another flashback wouldn't destroy us both right now.

"Did you really think it was only the once?" Valarie laughs bitterly, and I feel myself turn to ice as I drag Levi back a couple inches. I try not to listen, but as I glance at the man next to her, the bastard I knew from my nightmares, and see how terrified he is, I can't help letting her words in. "Consider the fact we managed to make you almost fully forget that one time Robyn, with a slap-dash usage of serum last minute. Think of all we made you forget before that, with careful planning! Just think how many times they had you... the woman with the scar... the whore who would never bear the secrets..." she hisses into a laugh.

I shake my head.

I can't breathe.

No. No it hadn't happened more than once, i-it can't have.

It was a trick.

"Robyn..." Levi says, suddenly snapping out of it and grasping my hand. We share tormented look. "Stay with me." He murmurs, doing his best not to cringe back as I fail to withhold the fear-filled panic that I'm feeling. What the hell was I going to remember tonight? What would my dreams unveil now that she had rattled that door? What would he see now? I ache as we make for the stairs.

"You see Levi? I have plenty back ups! I will not be outdone!" Valarie yells.

He jolts.

"N-No…" he snaps. My heart burns. This woman wasn't human. My breathing becomes thinner as we retreat, I hear her shackles grate against the stone and she hisses through the bars when I look over my shoulder. But he keeps me moving, suddenly taking the lead when I stumble, he keeps us making for the exit.

"Just remember this when the time comes. You let us do it didn't youm Levi? Hm!? You were too weak to save her!" She screeches and even though he's ahead of me, practically dragging me behind him, I can feel it break inside of him like shattering glass. Her cackles follow us up the stairs and through the doorway which we both fall out of, startling some cadets. I look up at them and down at him, he's panting, trying to hold it together out here in the open.

"Go get Squad Leader Zoe!" I yell, voice hoarse as my trembling hands try to get him upright, to help him to a side room where he could crumble in peace. His head goes back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth. I hold his arm over my shoulder and get us into a supply room, and as the door snaps shut behind us I have to let go of him, unable to hold his strength as I shudder all over myself.

We both sit huddled into ourselves on the floor.

Crumpled.

" _No_ … R-Robyn… please… j-just l-let her g-go… _please_ …" he mumbles, eyes not seeing the room before him. No longer in the present.

"Levi... Levi listen to me." I gulp, going to him, refusing to let any room between us right now. I cup his face and wait, struggling with him when he tries to recoil. "Levi. Levi!" I yell as he repeats those broken words. Finally he looks at me, grey eyes swimming with ghosts.

"Robyn..."

"I love you, Levi." I whisper, remembering how I had tried to comfort him at the time. I now have to wonder though, how many times had I said it through chapped lips without remembering. How many times had I tried to make up for allowing them to show him that?

He frowns.

I sniff and nod, smiling weakly and kissing him tenderly because right now I don't know what else I'm meant to do. I am filled to the brim with this chaos. Fear, loathing, distrust, confusion, malice, bloodlust, fury, pain. Bubbling and writhing in me like a hungry animal, finally waking up and desperate to feed. I was the perfect meal. I feel the shuddering wrack his body, but he responds at least, holding me close and giving brokenly withheld grunts as he tries to pull the strings together.

"I let them do it..." I hear him and I just stroke a hand through his hair. This was what I had expected when he first remembered. And now more worms writhed out of the can, eating their way through us to the core.

I blink and shudder as I see it flash in front of me; I feel that stone under my body, heart he smacking of skin, the grate of shackles, the sting of a needle. I taste blood on my tongue and hear echoing grunts, pleading words through bars, broken apologies. In the end I'm a shaking mess by the time Hanji finds us, and I just look up at her and watch the worry sink into her already tired eyes. I try to speak but I just croak, clinging to Levi who hasn't made another noise yet.

"Robyn... what the hell happened? Did you learn anything new? Can... can I do anything?" Hanji kneels down and looks us both over, seeing no wounds and then pursing her lips. "The marks aren't on the outside are they?"

I shake my head.

"Is Valarie still locked up, Robyn?" She speaks carefully, and I just nod.

"H-Hanji..." I stammer out, trying to take deeper breaths. She lays a hand on my arm and I quiver. "H-Help."

* * *

 **Right so there we go, we don't know everything that happened during Robyn's two weeks stay with the White-Cloaks. Possible the 6 months Levi was gone also hide more secrets too? Shit is hitting every fan ever right now. I hope you um... 'enjoyed' this upload? I would suggest preparing yourself dear reader, as Robyn will be bringing the all-mighty thunder to these bastards. Don't worry, vengance is at hand.**

 **Thanks for reading, please leave a fav, follow and or review as I would really like to know what you guys thought of this upload. Another quiet upload and I sincerely hope it isn't because people are bored or anything, i just really never want to skim these parts, finding them as fascinating to write as the action. Apologies if they aren't all that great to read!**

 **Thanks for your time and see you later on!**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Sebastian: I am also ready for Robyn to kick some ass, believe me, but this chapter had to happen first I'm afraid! But don't worry, the scorn of the Sanshi is coming fast! That chapter might end up even darker than this one 0_0**

 **Lilly: Thanks, I am glad you liked the speech! Robyn has no reason not to like Mikasa right now, she had tell her friend is conflicted and confused and worried as hell. I am neither a fan or not of Mikasa tbh, she has her perks and has her downsides too, like most characters. Hope you still enjoyed this one despite the rather grim tone!**


	45. Tainted

**Hello, hello, hello! The aftermath awaits!**

 **Where has everyone gone? You're all SO quiet...**

 **Dislcaimer: I don't own AOT.**

* * *

This...

This world..

This world is...

This world is cruel.

Slow droplets ooze over the sides, they slide lazily down and stain everything in their path. Plip. Plop. Plip. Plop. The hairs on the back of my hand stand to attention and I feel the breeze move against my nape, a shiver tracing down my spine with long fingernails, sending ripples through my already tempestuous waters. I draw a breath, the air wheezing gently as my teeth set together. Clack. My tongue is heavy with the taste of iron and my are warm with tears. Noises. They burble round me, rushing like a river smoothing over a stone, I occasionally ebb with them, blinking and allowing a few more droplets to escape and make tracks down my itching cheeks. I lay my hand flat again, nails having been digging into my palm, the small slices of pain pleasant but as I feel a damp warmth there I know the pressure was too much. Sometimes it could simply break through. I swallow, the lump in my throat sore now from all that screaming, my eyes slowly roll down to look at my nails, blinking at the sight of more red. A small drop of ruby gathers on the edge of a nail, gradually swelling before descending and breaking away. It hits the table without a sound, spreading out and sinking into the worn wood, staining it. Tainting it.

The cycle continues and as my stomach churns with the spinning I hope it doesn't suddenly stop. If it does? I don't know if I can hold on tight enough any more, if I can cling with any strength now. I might be flung off, sent soaring through the air with no sense of direction or hope of landing. The blurring continues, I'm blinking but not seeing, I'm hearing but not listening, I'm breathing but not living.

A flash makes me look up, a fresh lantern having been lit across the way, it's fresh dance beginning as the day concluded. Only a few embers remained in the sky, being swallowed up by the navy blues seeking them out from the eastern night. I shiver. Seemed like the winter winds were making headway, their own nails sharpening as the nights grew as long as they were deep. Snap. The window is closed now, glass dully reflecting something that makes my jaw clench and lips purse, a broiling sensation at the base of my throat.

Pale and small, a trampled little creature stares at me, frowning as it fails to recognise itself. Where was that thing he used to refer to? Fire? I think that thing, hollow in reflection, has finally run out of fuel. Now it was a husk. The stokes don't work any more, and it doesn't seem to matter how many loving breaths of life are offered, the embers slowly dim. Soon to turn to ash.

Slap.

Ow.

"Numbnuts you look me in the eye right now, and you fucking tell me your name." Keza demands, suddenly right in front of me, her big eyes swimming. Who had hurt her? I see fear there, and a lot of it. What was she so afraid of? I feel my cheek throb, my lips wobbling open and shut as I frown and reach out to touch the tear that had escaped from between her thick lashes. A sob leaves her and she kneels down in front of me, hands on my knees and looking like a child pleading with its disinterested mother. "Please... c'mon love... come back. T-tell me your name." She says it again shakily.

I swallow.

That broiling sensation almost at boiling point.

"R..." I shudder and lick my lips, clearing my throat and feeling the tabletop's grain judder against my nails as my hand tries to curl into a fist. But then Keza is holding my hand, clasping it in hers and squeezing. She's trembling.

"Take a deep breath." She encourages, kissing my hand, making me shudder.

"D-Don't... don't do... that." I shake my head. A small line appears between her brows as she looks at me, her bright eyes seeming to search for something. "F... filthy."

She shakes her head at me.

How can she not know?

"No you're not Robyn, you're not filthy."

"But..."

"You're clean, you're safe, you're home. Focus on that for me okay? Just focus on that. Do you... do you know where you are?"

"Home." I say, wondering why she needed it repeated, she just said we were home right? A smile pulls on her cherry lips and she nods, albeit unenthusiastically.

"Yeah I know you can repeat, love. Come on now, where is home?"

Dammit she knew all my tricks.

Home.

Home is where family lives, where you're tucked in at night, where he slams his hands against the table, stands and throws a bottle, lights a cigarette. Where the shadows loom and floorboards creak. Where screaming doesn't work and pleading makes things worse. Where she just looks at you weakly and lets it happen again, where the little boy in the high-chair squeals in fright as a plate smashes near his curly-haired head. Where... w-where...

Home.

"H-Home is..." I smell smoke and my nose wrinkles. "Fire..."

"No, no it's not." She shakes her head again, hand squeezing mine once more. A panic seems to set into her, and I have to wonder if she smelt it. We need to run don't we? "There is no fire here, no one's burning, no one's in danger. He isn't here, you killed him love, you kept your promise. Remember?"

I killed him?

I feel the broken plate's pieces scrape along my mind and I nod.

I killed him.

Keza breathes deep and lays her head against my hands.

"We're here for you, only you my love. Come on, you can do this, I fucking know you can. Leave the past where it is, leave that scared little girl where she died. Where are we now?"

I blink.

I know this routine, I had danced it with her too many times. We both had. I had been a lot smaller last time we did this jig though, my frame shuddering in the falling rain as she cupped my face and yelled over the swell of a storm. Over and over she demanded to know my name, over and over she refused to let me go, over and over she demanded to know where we were. I was Robyn Sanshi, I needed to run away, we were in the street after I thought I'd seen my father in the market-place.

I blink.

Who was I?

No.

N-No right now it was a different question.

"Headquarters... for the Scouts." I say, the words sluggish. She beams at me, like I'd just saved a life or something.

"That's right love, brilliant. Now then stay with me okay?"

"Yeah..."

"What's your name?"

"I..." My teeth grind, breathing getting quicker as I see that woman laying on the ground. She lies there, red hair across her face, skin bruised, body beaten, dignity stripped away. I swallow hard and shake my head. That wasn't me. I wasn't her. Those men loom and jeer, hands clawing, clamping, groping, feeling, lingering like a stench I'd never wash out. "I..."

"Easy now, you're safe. I'm right here." Keza cups my face and stares, her eyes like beacons as I watch her refuse to give in. Why was it she never gave up on me? She had told me to leave that broken little girl where she had died, and yet Keza herself kept tugging her burnt little hand. Keza kept her going. Right? That's all I am now isn't it? "Say it. Say your name girl, and then you can rest. Just say it for me."

"I... my name..." I shiver and she just keeps nodding. I look up for a moment, having heard the door creak. I stare as I see my Captain standing there. He hangs back, almost seeming to cringe away when my eyes land on him. Why did he look so afraid of me I was just a little kid. What could I possibly do to him? "L-Levi..."

"No... that's good my girl but no, right now I need _your_ name." Keza interrupts, her hand to my still slightly tingling cheek as she makes me look at her again.

"Name... my name is... R... Robyn... Robyn S-san... Sanshi." I shudder. That's right, I wasn't the little girl, I was more than that now. I was more than what that bastard had broken me down to, and I could still be more than what those men had tried to turn me into within that cell.

I could still do this.

I would still do this.

Right?

"Good... very good beautiful, now keep going." Encourages Keza, her hand warm against my cheek as I lean into her and nod, licking my shaking lips.

"My name is R-Robyn Sanshi, we're in the Scouting Legion HQ, w-we just got back from mission, y-your Keza my sister a-and that's... that's Levi..." I blink, the world warping as Keza sits up and pulls me into her arms, shushing me.

"You did well, it's okay, you came back." She breathes, stroking my hair like she used to. The storm calms. "You came back like you always said you would. Well done. Just rest honey. We're here, you're safe, everything else can wait all right?"

I just nod, slumping against her and breathing deep, the waters slosh within me but the waves no longer climb above my head. I hear movement, and I vaguely feel it as I let my eyes slide closed. I just hope the dreams stay away for now, that door rattling occasionally but I sit in front of it and focus on blank.

I focus on nothing.

* * *

I can't be sure how long I slept for, but as I slowly blink awake I find myself looking at an unfamiliar ceiling. I frown and groan as I sit up, feeling my body ache all over. I assume its been a couple days then. I look around and then blink as I see another bed, and inside said bed is the Commander, asleep for now with his arm all bandaged up. At least what was left of it. I am thankful to see no sign of my Captain in a bed though, but I'm now wondering why I'm in here? Had something happened? I look down at myself but see no new wounds, a few scratches and bruising but nothing major. I look at my nails and assume I had been clawing at myself, but the bruising? It was fading now, and I swallow again as I realise it's where I'd fallen over after... after the memories.

So much more had been hidden from us.

I wonder what else Valarie had shown to Levi.

"Morning Numbnuts, how you feeling?" Keza's voice interrupts my mind. I smile and lean back in the pillow, watching her carry a large tray of food in. She sets it down on the table between me and Erwin and she sits on my bed.

"Hey Keza... how long I been out?" I cough gently. She hands me some juice and I gladly sip it, the sweet flavour making me feel more awake. She clicks her tongue at me.

"How you feeling? I asked first missy."

"I'm... I'm fine I think... bit foggy but yeah, generally ok. Thanks for um.. you know... before?" I sip the juice again, cheeks burning. She rolls her eyes and pats my leg.

"No need to thank me, love. I know when you need that, I can always tell when you're getting lost in that head of yours... and considering what had just happened... totally understandable."

"Yeah..." I whisper.

"You need to be careful all right? Physically you're fine but... well we both know what you can be like in the head department."

"Level and calm at all times..." Rumbles the Commander and I look his way with a grin, he waves weakly and chuckles before coughing. "Not a bad thing to wake up to I suppose, two beautiful women by my bed."

"Christ I need to down your pain medication... he's seeing things now!" Keza laughs, passing me some food before going over and checking on him. Her movements are careful, restrained, and I know she is counting the days before he is recovered. He looks pale, but not too bad otherwise.

"Everything on track with our v-valiant leader." I hum, slight tremour to my voice as I sit up some more. Erwin nods but gets a flick on the forehead from our wayward nurse.

"She was asking me Brows. Yeah he's getting there, but still really weak, so he's staying in this bed for at least another week. And no paperwork." She adds with a tap to his nose, and I have never seen someone more crestfallen to get a week off work. I nibble on some bread, knowing it was that or have Keza stuff it in my gob till I had to swallow or choke. Wouldn't be the first time.

"Apparently I'm no longer the Commander here..." He snorts and concedes, accepting his juice like a good boy. "Then again I suppose this terrifying woman might make a good stand-in, don't you think so, Sanshi?"

"Mm... we'd all be very well-behaved if that was the case." I chuckle.

"Too fucking right you would." Keza beams proudly.

"Heh... so um Keza... how is... h-how is Levi doing?" I ask, and she comes back over to my bed, tapping my chin and making me look at her.

"He's getting there, locked himself away in his office for a while though. You've been asleep for four days and he's been locked away for two, and then stayed here for the other two. I'm likely to get a telling off actually..."

"W-why?" I cough and she smirks, nodding to the doorway.

"I made him go sleep and eat something, assured him you'd likely not wake up before he got back. Whoopsies?" She shrugs and I nod, knowing he'd be irked, but Keza could handle him. Four days? Whoa... that was likely a new record for me. But I can only assume it was my mind needing time to recover, considering what I had remembered and how it had been dragged into place. It must be a royal thing or something, this mind trickery was frustrating. For all I know it was fake, she had created the images, the sensation, the echoes.

I shiver.

"Still with us Robyn?" I hear Erwin call and I nod.

"Y-yeah, sir, right here." I nod and smile shakily. Keza smiles in that motherly way.

"Take your time love, no one is getting impatient, or expecting you to bounce back all right? We um... we know what happened by the way. What she made you remember?" Keza sounds guilty towards the end. I swallow and look at her with wide eyes, my heart thrumming inside me as I consider they all knew.

"Oh... r-right..." my mouth feels dry and I sip the juice again, trying not to think of how much they must fucking pity me.

"Sorry but we had to ask Levi what it was that had sent you so far into yourself... it took a while but he explained. And... and he explained what he had seen as well."

"O-other than him h-having to 'c-clean up'?" I breathe, and she nods, taking my hand and squeezing. "You're n-not gonna tell me are you?"

"The memory that wasn't shared with you? Nah... sorry love, that's his story to tell. I ain't gonna shove my nose that far into your business. Not now." She adds with a wink, leaning in and kissing my forehead.

"Yeah... guess so. If he even wants to tell me." I bite my lip and she shakes her head at me.

"He will, but it might take time. He was um... well to put it as he did 'fucking ashamed'. So just be patient with him eh?" She says. I nod and nibble some more, wishing Levi would come through the door sooner rather than later.

"Hey Keza... why am I-"

"We moved you in here in case you suddenly woke up confused... not to mention the fact _Valarie_ has been throwing around some fairly revolting threats." Keza responds with a wrinkle to her nose. I tilt my head.

"Threats?"

"To you, to Erwin, to Levi... basically to the whole regiment. But mainly you and Erwin really... things like 'time is running out', 'they'll get here soon', 'the job will be finished'. All this nonsense keeps spilling out of her, and frankly I think she's gone nuts. But Goggles told us to get you two secure and so... here we are." She shrugs and I glance at the door again and guessing there were guards on the other side. Were things getting better or worse? Right now I truly have no idea.

"So... we're still under attack?"

"Seems so for now, Numbnuts. Don't worry we have patrols going around and everyone is on high alert. We'll get through... seems like Erwin getting injured is something that has sped things up... just from what Hanji said after speaking with the nutter that is." Keza sighs and gets up. "I better get back to sleep for now as you two seem fine for the moment."

"Yeah thanks, go get some rest okay? Oh and Keza, just before you go. How's Eren doing?" I ask as she heads for the door, a laugh escaping her and she shakes her head.

"Any way I can persuade you to focus on yourself, Numbnuts?"

"If you tell me, then I can try?" I grin and she looks up, seeking more patience but evidently not managing it as she looks at me with that smirk in place. I was lucky she loved me. Very lucky indeed.

"He's getting there, his wanky Sister is looking after him. He's been in and out of here but he kept his distance after Levi um... well he yelled at the kid to be honest." She scratches the back of her head whilst my eyes narrow. "Levi knew, as well as I do love, that if Titantio was in here then you'd start fussing over him. Right now you need to focus on yourself, and him being here isn't gonna help-"

"That's a bit harsh isn't it? He just found out that-"

"You found out plenty yourself, Robyn." Murmurs Erwin and I turn to see that old shine to his eyes, knowing I couldn't argue. I nod and shrink back into my pillows, Keza giving a nod of thanks to us both before she disappears. I wait a second, the room seeming so quiet now.

"I... I'm so sorry for what happened, sir." I breathe, blinking hard and knowing he was looking my way. He sighs and his bed creaks as he shifts his weight.

"As am I Robyn but... it is what it is. And at least I came home alive. We're beaten down right now, but we're not dead yet. We can still fight this, don't you think?" He says, sounding a little sleepy. I look his way and find him staring vacantly over at the window, a small smile occasionally twitching onto his lips.

"Of course we can, sir. We can fight no matter how hard we've hit the floor. I'll get myself back on duty soon, I promise." I say and he frowns.

"That wasn't what I meant, Robyn. Let yourself heal... it's horrific what that woman withheld from you and then suddenly made you relive... both you and Levi. I know I'm the one sitting here without an arm, but not all wounds have to be physical in order to be lethal. I don't want to lose either of you to this, so please... consider that before pushing yourself too hard." He says, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. "I had guessed my name was on the royal list of undesirables... but I don't think I had ever considered them bold enough to attempt killing me. I guess they might have found the courage to try now that I'm weakened like this..."

"It isn't all that bold to attempt to take a life when it's already so fragile sir... it's just cowardice. They won't get to you. We won't let them." I say and I shiver as a cold smirk takes to his lips. Whilst he seemed so optimistic a moment ago, I feel a darkness taking hold.

"It's only a matter of time Robyn."

"Sir-"

"They will get through eventually, and I know which I would pick between myself and you. And actually... it probably isn't the option so many of the civilians would guess at... this cold hearted demon can occasionally feel human." He hums and chuckles darkly. "The mission of this regiment doesn't stop with me, Sanshi. You know that."

"I might know it, but it doesn't mean I accept it." I say, my voice coming out like a whisper. He blinks and looks over in surprise, seeing the few tears escaping my eyes before I look away. "I know you're in a bad way, Erwin. But please... don't lose faith whilst we haven't? Let us try and protect you?"

"I... of course, Robyn I... I'm sorry. This grumpy old bastard apologises."

"That's a first." Mutters a familiar voice from the doorway and I turn to Levi, sitting up eagerly and watching the surprise light in his pale eyes. Like he hadn't expected me to be glad to see him. He looks tired of course, and perhaps a little gaunt in the face, but he walks over strong enough. Good to know one of us was able to stay on top of things.

"Morning, Levi. How did you sleep?" Says Erwin as he once again relaxes back into his pillows. At least the Commander was following Keza's advice and getting some rest. Levi dips his head and pulls up a chair by my bed.

"Not bad... fucking knew she'd wake up when I was away. Troublesome brat." He nods to me and I blush a bit, a wink coming from my Captain a moment later as he slowly reaches over and takes my hand. A slight shiver runs through him, but he just clears his throat and gives a momentary smile.

"Tis the way of the world, old friend." Sighs Erwin and he pulls the blankets closer. "Think I'll sleep, feel free to ignore me."

"I usually do, old man." Says Levi and they share a laugh. Slowly Erwin's breathing deepens and as he drifts away Levi runs his thumb along the back of my hand, eventually pulling it up to his lips and kissing.

"Hey..." I breathe, squeezing his hand and glad to see him meet my eye at last. "I'm glad you got some rest, Keza said you'd been here for two days. Sorry for the wait."

"You know I'd wait longer." He says, laying my hand back down and then leaning on the mattress, looking like he had a lot to say and no idea how to say it. I wait, reaching over and absent-mindedly playing with his hair.

"How're you feeling?" I ask after a long silence makes me feel uneasy. I didn't know what this other memory was, but I could guess it was bad, perhaps worse than him having to remember being forced to clean up after those animals. "I'm here Levi, please let me help you as well?"

"You need to focus on y-"

"You and me are pretty much one commodity now Levi, sorry to break it to you, but when I see you in pain? I feel pain along with you." I interrupt and he nods, looking down again as a slight blush takes to his cheeks. "I'm not meaning to have a go..."

"Yeah, I know Brat. Sorry... we'll do it together right?"

"Right." I smile and shift so I'm lying down nearer him. He looks at me with a slanted smile and shakes his head.

"We're a mess huh?"

"Absolutely, Sir." I chuckle and he pushes my hair back softly, eyes tightening a little. "You look like you want to say something... you don't have to tell me what the other memory was right now... just... know I want to know?"

"Heh... I want to say a lot." He clicks his tongue and leans his chin on his arms as they rest against the sheets. Of all the things I had seen in Levi; his rage, his passion, his duty-bound determination, his pain, this felt new. He looked child-like as he stares at my hand and his mind whirs away.

"Better get on with it then, eh?" I hum and wait as he gathers the courage needed.

"I'm sorry." He starts, squeezing my hand when I go to argue. "Not that I'm blaming myself, I've worked through that shit already I guess... but... I'm sorry that it happened. You just need to know that okay? And I still see you as you, not broken, not tainted, nothing that I know is likely going through that head of yours." He says, glancing my way almost accusingly and he smirks as I blush brighter.

"You know me too well..." I breathe and he grins.

"Good."

"No need to gloat." I hum, kissing his arm and listening to his sigh.

"Robyn I... when I tell you about the memory. I need you to know it's okay if it scares you, or... I dunno... worries you, disgusts you... whatever it may be. Just... just tell me, okay Brat? I want to know." He says and whilst my first instinct is to refuse these things as I don't think they could ever apply, the look he's giving me shuts me up. I swallow and nod gently.

"All right... I'll be upfront."

"Thank you." He clears his throat. "The other memory she showed me. It... it wasn't when you were there. It was probably a couple weeks after you'd escaped actually. I... I only got fragments but since then the picture's got clearer." I stay quiet, watching the slight tremble to his lip as his tongue runs along it. "Seventeen... they made me kill you seventeen times, with seventeen lookalikes." He looks queasy as he explains and I just nod, taking it in and letting it set into my mind. But I really don't feel fear, I don't feel any disgust either. Except towards Valarie and her men, those poor women nothing but stand-ins for an event that was thwarted anyway. I almost feel guilty for not allowing the real thing to happen. My mind is in a weird place.

"I'm so sorry, Levi."

"I really don't deserve pity, Robyn." He murmurs and I squeeze his hand.

"You didn't do this, just like I didn't... l-let them do that to me." I whisper and we share a long, pain-filled look. "It's them, the White Cloaks, the bastards that took us. Those girls... they're not your victims, they're theirs. Please? Please believe me." I plead and he nods slowly, kissing my hand and sighing heavily.

"I'm just glad we never did reunite alone... they prepared me so well for it. I would have been able to snap your neck so quickly... thankfully I was only able to try for a couple seconds." He looks pale, reaching over and running a finger down my throat. I stroke a hand through his hair, it seeming to soothe him as he nuzzles my hand. "So... no fear? Nothing?"

"Nothing more than extra determination to recover, get back to those cells."

"I still don't know how to predict your mind..." He says looking slightly frustrated with that fact. I smile and lean over to kiss him properly. A sigh leaves him and his hand moves to my hair, the kiss tender and sweet. As we part I kiss the end of his nose.

"Guess I keep things interesting for you?"

"Hm... indeed, Brat." He smirks and then taps my nose. "So what do you want to do?"

"I... I want to let myself go." I explain, and he frowns again, finger tracing acros my cheek now. I lick my lips. "I d-don't want to lose myself of c-course but... there's s-so much anger. So much." I swallow hard.

"It's ok, Robyn. Take your time."

"I just want to let g-go and... a-and f-finally get some god damned closure." I say and he leans in to kiss me again.

"Whatever you want, anything you need." He vows and I sigh against his lips. "We need to gag her though, to stop Valarie from doing whatever it is Valarie does."

"Yeah.. b-but I have to go back down there. I need something tangible to fight back with, y-you know?"

"I do, Brat. I do. But... for me.. I've done enough killing on their behalf, but I'll be right there with you, Robyn. We'll burn them together."

We smile.

We breathe.

We love.

This world was cruel.

But I could be so much crueller.

* * *

Slow droplets ooze, spilling over and rolling down, leaving stains in their wobbled path. Plip. Plop. Plip. Plop. The hairs on the back of my hand stand to attention and I feel my panted breath move against my parted lips, a shiver tickles my nerves and slowly my waters calm, gentle ripples softly caressing my mind. I draw a breath, the damp air warm as it fills me and carries that slight shake to it, my throat constricted by the lump forming there. My teeth set together as I grin. My tongue is heavy with unsaid words, and my eyes bone dry. Noises. They spill like those ruby drops, dribbling out and pleading with me, but this stone was already smoothed over. I am numb. I occasionally ebb with those shrieks, blinking and gazing as a few more precious drops escape, making a map along that sweat covered skin. I tighten my grip on the handle, nails digging into my palm as the blade glints, the small slices of pain only making my heart race faster. Sometimes I simply had to let go. I swallow hard, the lump in my throat sore as I laugh gently, my eyes slowly roll down, studying the atlas I had created on my canvas, blinking slowly at the lovely shades of red. A small drop of ruby gathers on the edge of my blade, swelling up and making the lantern light dance before it falls away and creates a mark on my map. It hits the slick flesh silently, splattering haphazardly and then lingering to eventually dry. Tainted.

Slap.

Ow. I bet that hurt.

"Do you remember what I said?" I vaguely hear my voice slither out to him, a slight thickness there as I loom. The man trembles, those watery eyes imploring mercy. I chuckle again; those eyes would soon be vacantly blind pits once I had my way. "I asked you a fucking question. Answer it and I might let you bleed in peace for a while."

"Y-Yes... I r-remember..."

"Say it." I demand, knife turning over in my hand, sharp edge softly grazing my skin each time. It keeps me grounded, but the thirst is raging. It wants to drink. He hesitates and my eyes flash wide. "SAY IT!"

"Please..." He whimpers, and I grit my teeth harder, watching him look over to where my Captain lingers outside the cell. I look that way too, having felt Levi's gaze on me the entire time; but he just stares at me and nods in encouragement, a small smile on his lips. Just for me. "Please st-stop this."

"Not a chance." Levi says, his smile broadening only for the intent of frightening this animal strapped to a chair. The prisoner whimpers again and looks between us, his wounds deep, his flesh paling, my work only having just begun. "This is Robyn Sanshi, and you wronged her in the worst way. Now? Now you fucking burn, I'm just here to watch the show."

I turn back to my Captain again and we share a long look, my heart beating faster as I feel that Fire within me start to return. The embers glow brighter and I breathe deep in the smoking air.

Vengence had never tasted so fucking sweet.

"Now then... I asked you a question." I hum, turning back to the man and holding the cold steel to his wobbling, stubbled throat. I watch it twitch under my blade, Adams apple bobbing about with each snivelling sob. I lean in and chuckle. "Say it..."

* * *

 **So there we have it, the revenge has begun. WARNING, next chapter will likely be graphic and grim as hell. Hopefully i'll have the motivation to update soon but it never works all that well when frankly I have no idea how this content is being recieved! Please, if you are a silent reader, speak up, I put a lot of effort into this content and I sincerely want to know what you guys think.  
**

 **I have to wonder if it's just the fandom grinding to a halt as we all grow bored of waiting for Season 2?**

 **Anyway, see you next time, please leave a fav, follow and or review. Thanks for reading!**

 **SHOUTOUT: Sebastian I can always depend on your good will to send a wee message. Thanks for checking in. I'm glad you knew why I had done the flashbacks and the darker chapter, I just felt like it was time to reveal that and yeah.. felt like it had to come before the juicy parts began. A wee teaser of the venegance she is about to indulge in! Hope you enjoyed, see you next time and thank you again! I have to ask though, did the start of this, with the whole 'robyn is broken as fuck' section, did you need tissues? I never cry at writing or films etc so I am never sure!**


	46. Clean the Slate

**Hello! I am so sorry this has been delayed, I was too ambitious with my halloween costume and it took WAY too much time! But anyway here we go, hope you all had a fun Halloween and I hope you enjoy this update.**

 **Warning: BLOODY GORE. DISTURBING CONTENT. ROBYN GOIN' BATSHIT CRAZY. All that fun stuff.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own AOT, only my deranged OC and all her damned baggage.**

* * *

My breath gusts out; hot against my cold chapped lips that I bite whenever needing to pause, to just watch the pain flicker across that face. All the expressions they had torn from me, ripping them from my flesh as they sought their lewd pleasure. My heart thrums, my veins burn, my head pounds. I am alive and burning in my fury as I stand over them both, looming like the justice they knew they deserved. That somehow made it worse, the fact they so clearly _knew_ they had done wrong.

Valarie had been taken somewhere else, I can scarcely remember where, I don't need to know as long as she can't mess with me right now. This was a moment I had been thirsting for since remembering their crimes. I was parched. This dank place heavy with the smell of iron was all I wanted. It was my bubble for the time being, and only I would burst it.

They scream it at me, repeating it over and over, my warnings, my threats, even the ones I don't remember giving out to them. They make my head ache as well as my heart stutter. But I don't stop them, hearing them repeat it just confirmed that I was right to seek this vengeance; they knew what they had done, and my pleas had fallen on deaf ears. I don't enjoy this brutality, but I know I need it, this is the only kind of closure that will finally put these pains to rest. It had been so long.

"Y-You... you told us... b-better make sure you were totally dead."

"And why did I say that?"I change the question, their wide watery eyes looking to each other as they sit there sweltering in their own sticky sweat. I tilt my head, hair falling in front of my face as I chuckle, lips pinching as my grin widens beyond the dried skin's reach. "Hm? Remember?" I growl, a few tears pooling in my eyes as I feel my heart ache with old scars, my body dull with those harsh memories. Again and again I had felt that pain of them, over and over I had known that agony as these beasts stole from me. "Don't make me ask again, pig." I lick my lips, tasting blood as my skin splits.

"You said... y-you said you would hunt us... k-kill us like r-rats but... but you would-" I stick the point of the knife to the first one's throat, gleeful with the way he trembles. Had I trembled for them? I fucking hope not. I press in until a bead of ruby spills out, tumbling clumsily down his greasy throat and disappearing beneath his yellowed collar.

"But I'd do it slowly, _really slowly_. I told you how I'd take a blunt knife..." I pick the one up from the small table, letting it gleam in the lantern light as those watering eyes spill over anew. "I told you I'd peel your little pricks back to the bone. That I'd make you choke on those little shreds of flesh. That I'd set your balls alight and shove those down your throat too."

In all honesty I might have to skip a few steps, I don't have the patience to do all of those things. But rest assured I'd do plenty else. That man's throat wobbles again as he swallows.

"Y-You're insane..." He gasps into a sob and I laugh, feeling my ribs ache with it.

"Only because you drove me there. But that's just it, you weasels... that's how I remember those words so well. Can you guess? Hm? You fucking _beasts_? Do you know why these words are so easily brought to light for me?" I murmur, voice disturbingly similar to someone I had hoped never to be like. But I can't help it. I have to be cruel to them, I have to make these bastards pay, and in order to do that I have to shut down the part of me that clings to my mother's influence. No. Right now? Right now I need to be _his_ daughter, my voice echoing _his_ when he offered such rhetorical questions. Only in this case, I expected an answer. I wanted these two to know their crimes to their bones, even if they only took the information six feet into the mouldering ground.

The woman they left in that cell to bleed, to bruise, to whimper as she pulled her shirt as low as she could, that woman was ready to taste justice. To know it and remember it. That sweet essence of release, that climactic moment of revenge that she had been so god damned thirsty for since waking up after being rescued. Since remembering. Her bones ached for it, her body yearned, her soul demanded. I wasn't about to deny her for much longer.

"N-No..." the other one squeaks, his fear radiating out and feeding my fury.

Yes.

Cower before me, know what it is to feel powerless. I don't even need people to hold you down to fuck you up. The other pig just shakes his head, his lips wobbling too much for speech no doubt.

"No? That's disappointing boys." I turn the blade over and swallow hard, holding myself straight and feeling that oh-so-familiar paradox: I felt as tall as a titan, and yet as shaken as a rookie on the field. "I can remember the words that easily because I have relived that moment over and over, again and again, night after night. I felt your brutality and my hatred like a god damned loop in my brain."

"W-We're so s-sorry-" I silence him with the blade against his neck again, hovering just above where I had pricked before. I bare my teeth.

"Humans are allowed to be sorry, but you don't even count as that any more. You cannot _fathom_ how much I loathe you. You will get a vague idea... but only vague." I growl watching more tears trickling.

I feel it in my bones that I had not cried in front of them, not when they had attacked me. That fact brings me a small sense of pride at least. In those long nights that followed I had sobbed until I burned all over, but in front of them? No. I had only let a precious few escape me. To these 'men' I had not openly wept, not screamed, to them I had not been broken. The woman smiles, her splayed position curling in on itself as she sits up, tucking her blood matted hair back and nodding; she knew we had to do this, she knew this was what was needed for her to finally leave me in peace.

These beasts had not broken us.

But we would break them.

Into so many pieces I would scarcely know where to start if I wanted to attempt doing this over again. I look down at my hands and watch them drip with that aged blood. Sorry Mum, not today, today I'm going to dive right in and accept my father's cruel nature. Today I really am a Sanshi.

I breathe it in like flames; the pain, the screaming, the pleading, my victims allowing me to gorge on their plight. I feel it fill me up and spill over, my breathing just getting harder as I laugh and shake my head to their begging. No mercy was to be found here. For months I had longed to have their scrawny necks in my clasp, and as the night draws in, my breaths turning to white clouds as the cold air sinks into the earth, I wipe my hands free of their grimey gore.

It must have been a couple hours now.

I'd worked their filthy bodies over like tenderising steaks for a feast.

Except they would not grace any finely laid table, instead they'd be feeding the maggots.

"You ready to finish this, Robyn?" Levi asks, and when I glance his way I see him peering over a book, his eyes calm and smirk amused. The woman smiles back at him, knowing he was the safe place she could return to, knowing he was ours to call upon when this deed was finally done. "Or were you planning an all-nighter?"

"I think they stole enough nights from me, don't you, Captain?" I grin and he nods, snapping the book shut and standing. The woman quivers, wondering if the Captain might try to take this final moment from us, that he might worry about us losing to the darkness. But I calm her, clenching my fists and knowing he wouldn't take this away, he knew this wasn't us submitting to the darkness, but building better walls against it. Sweeping it through the door and locking it out. Levi strolls over to the bars and leans there, tilting his head at the men and tutting.

"Can't say I expected much else but dammit... you both squealed like horny pigs... guess that fits. I'll go let the cadets know there's been an unfortunate accident in the cells, that they'll need the big mops. And plenty scrub brushes." He murmurs nonchalantly, nodding to me and moving away. The woman sighs in contentment, feeling a little foolish for doubting our Captain. I grin and pick up the long, curved, serrated knife at last, it gleams in its cleanliness and I tap it against my teeth.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

"Time to finish this, I think it was _you_ that said I had killed your boner from talking too much? Only seems fit to kill you... by removing that oh so important appendage." I grit my teeth and swing my hand up, his scream echoes, my head throbbing with it now but I don't stop.

Nothing could prevent this, no matter how hard they schemed, no matter how hard they pushed us down. Vengeance was mine and I strike it hard, claiming it in a blood-curdling howl from this rutting swine who convulses beneath my attack. That blade sticks into the stool beneath, his legs twitching and thighs catching against the blade as it separates him from his weapon of choice. Blood pools there and spills onto the floor, gushing and making me sigh with it's gentle pattering, like the first fall of rain after a drought. The other man cries, I just ignore him and I stroke my current victims cheek, scraping my nails as I go the other way. His stubble scratches.

"I'm a woman of my word." I breathe huskily and those dulling eyes go wide before I've grabbed that mess of flesh, blood and soiled cloth and rammed it between his rotting teeth. He gargles, he pleads, he chokes, and finally I feel a small part of myself brought back under my control as he fucking dies.

One down.

One to go.

"P-please... PLEASE!" Squeals the next pig, writhing against his bindings.

"You trying to imitate me?" I grunt to the other bastard as I wrench the blade back out of the stool, and then step towards him. He shakes his head, rambling apologies and pleas for mercy. Something trickles onto the floor and I look down with a wrinkled nose, shaking my head. "Fucking hell... no dignity even in death..."

"I just w-wanna go home..."

"Again... quoting me." I snarl, flickers of those times when I just begged for release, to go home, to see my mother and brother in a dream-like version of our house. I would have been dead but at least I wouldn't have felt those hands all over me. I put the tip of the blade between his eyes.

"N-No... please..."

"Fucking pig. Not worth my time." I hiss, throat growing thick before I retract the blade and then plunge it through the top of his skull. I stand there holding it, watching him twitch into oblivion whilst I pant hard and then sob as I feel the release of justice.

I made them suffer a while at least.

My hands tremble when I finally let go of the blade, his head slumping forward with a soft gurgling noise. I step back, staggering till I hit against the wall and then slide down, knees buckling as I sit on the cold mossy floor and stare at them. Two figures who had haunted my dreams, made me jump when a door opened behind me, when something moved out the corner of my eye. There they sat. One with piss still sinking into his trouser leg, head cracked open like a walnut. The other stares ahead with glazed eyes, his filth protruding from his inanely slack jaw. How noble.

It was like I had shined a torch into the darkness and found those demons to be nothing more than piles of clothing. They were nothing. They could never hurt me again.

"Robyn?" Levi speaks again and I blink, slowly turning to look at him and seeing that composed face. He had never left, he simply lingered and waited for my moment to be done with.

I can't help but wonder why he isn't cringing back, demanding how I can even count as human after so much brutality. But it wasn't even me that had done it, not really, I feel numb as my hands tingle, my skin prickles. The strings are falling away at last, I was becoming myself again; the woman who landed badly on a branch and swore at her gear, who accepted her Captain's need for connection, who felt her own heart give into that same need. I had begun to doubt I would ever get back there. This scene before me, with all its blood and gore, this was my will, but it was _her_ doing. It was the rage of that woman splayed on the floor, the hate of her as she had her legs pushed apart, the fear as she felt her mind, body and soul being violated. That woman had done this and now I had to clean it up, but then again I would do it over and over if she got to smile.

"Hey Levi." I say thickly. The tears are tumbling down my face as a broad smile cracks upon my lips. I laugh brokenly, curling into myself and laying on the cold floor properly. She was laughing. She was enjoying this. It was wrong, so very wrong and callous, but I'm not about to ruin her moment.

"Better get those cadets..." He hums, clicking his tongue, but I shake my head, knowing that wouldn't do. I wasn't about to make some snot-nosed rookies come in here and have nightmares of their own. I sniff and sit up, shaking like a leaf, but feeling the freest I had since Erwin had carried me out of that wretched place.

"Just bring me a shovel, wheelbarrow and the cleaning supplies. I-I want to do this... I... I want to clean it up."

"Clean the slate?" He says, tilting his head slightly. I watch those raven locks shift in the lantern's glow, those silver eyes watching me with a strange amount of affection, and those pale lips slightly quirked in a crooked smile. My Captain. I was back.

"Y-Yeah... clean the slate." I sniff again and lie down once more, hearing him walk away to collect supplies. I gasp gently. Slowly the pieces fall back into place and soon I feel the shivering subside.

The woman gets up, no longer left to ache upon the floor, no longer wondering why she hadn't fought back harder. No longer doubting. She stands, brushes herself off and walks away silently. I watch her go from my place on the floor. The scars remain, the memories would linger, but at least the slate was slowly rinsing, starting to show through. Waiting for something new to adorn it.

She was free, and in turn so was I.

"Mind if I help at least?" Levi says as the cell door creaks open once he has returned, his bandanna over his face and another in his outstretched hand. I sit up and grin at him, getting up and hugging him tightly, he was covered in protective gear so I know its fine, and I feel his arms wind round me. "Still with me, Brat?"

"Yeah... not going anywhere, Levi."

"Good, now lets put this shit out to rot?" He says and I nod.

I put the bandanna over my face, roll up my sleeves and help him heave the two bodies into the wheelbarrow. Once they're outside the cell we can clean the interior.

On my hands and knees I scrub that floor till I finally see stone through the blood, chuckling every now and then as I feel the rust being worn away from my soul, my memories flickering out of focus as I smell soap instead of death. Levi occasionally brushes past me, rag after rag discarded in a crimson pile that slowly darkens to brown in the open air. It takes us god knows how long, but eventually our scrub brushes plunk into the buckets and we are done, hands on hips and smiles crinkling our eyes over our masks.

A new day dawns in the cell as night takes hold of the outside world.

"Good job, Captain."

"Good job, Cadet." He snorts and we head over to the awaiting wheelbarrow, the passengers impatiently staring at us.

As we roll past a cell Levi pauses and nods to the side, I turn and blink at the sight of Valarie bound and gagged. Her eyes are visible though, and they widen till I'm sure they'll fall out. Every single scream would have sunk into her, every unheard pleading. She knew everything. I grin behind my mask and laugh again, patting the dick choked head and waving at my supposed relation.

"Don't worry, you'll get your turn once I've sharpened the knives." I chuckle with Levi, and then we continue on our way. Panicked garbling echo after us as we leave and shut the door behind us. I doubt she would be getting much sleep, and if she did? I hope she was plagued by nightmares.

Outside is chillier than I thought, and our panted breaths come out in little clouds of white. I grumble a bit as I realise we still have to dig the holes for these cretins, but Levi nudges me and I look his way, confused by his smirk.

"Already dug out, Brat. Had a couple Cadets do it whilst you were um... working through your much needed closure." He says and nods towards the graveyard. "All we need to do is fill the hole back in after they're chucked in together. They only need one grave, let's face it."

I nod and the wheelbarrow gives a glum squeak of approval as we pass into the solemn area. The vacant hole in question sits there eagerly awaiting out arrival. I glance towards where my previous civilian victim lingered, he had buried a while now hadn't he?The wheelbarrow crunches over the dead twigs and eventually we settle it down next to our cargo's resting place.

"I can take over if you're wanting to make a social call." He says quietly, touching my hand softly before grabbing the shovel from the side and loosening the leftover mound of earth. I swallow hard and nod. I wasn't sure how, but it seemed Levi was getting better and better at reading me.

"I um... I won't be long." I breathe, but he just nods and starts hauling one of the corpses into place. I turn about and head for the unmarked grave. It was suitably anonymous, and fittingly pathetic. It was all he had ever deserved. In all honesty I don't know why I want to see him, but something in me have ventured into his nature, something had thirsted for that ability for cruelty. I hoped it was only temporary. I hoped it wouldn't become a habit.

The grave stares blankly.

"I wish I could remember killing you this clearly..." I breathe as my 'hello', knowing small-talk wasn't needed. The wind nips at my cheeks and I tug my coat closer to me, the soft shifting of dirt behind me reminding me that my Captain was nearby. I lean against a tree next to the sorry looking grave and I tilt my head. "Guess your influence finally came in handy, I took back what they stole from me... so why could I never do that with you? Why do I still have nightmares about you, Vincent?" I ask quietly, wondering if Levi would think me mad, or just stupid for doing this. Probably the latter.

But closure wasn't something I'd ever really had with my father.

I had fulfilled my mother's promise yes, I had sought and accomplished vengeance for the wrongs he had done to her and my brother. But in a way it still felt like I hadn't done that for me. And now... with Valarie's odd words ringing in my ears I have to wonder how much more he had intended to mess with my life. Why was my blood suddenly so important, so vital, so irritatingly caught up in the royal mess looming over us.

"What else did you do?" I grit my teeth and kneel down by the small hump of earth, picking out the flowers that had grown there and crunching them in my hand. He didn't deserve any kind of beauty, even if it was only weeds. "What else did you have planned for me?"

"Y'know the scariest thing would be if you got an answer, right?" Calls over Levi, making me jump and look over my shoulder. He smirks at me and continues to fill in the grave. I look back to my father and click my tongue. "Well.. whatever it was, I'm not going to let it work. I'm not like you... I'm... I'm a good person." But even as it crosses my lips I feel my hands ache from my nights work.

Did a good person enjoy spilling blood that much?

Did a good person find themselves capable of such brutality?

How much of my darker nature was down to these callous bastards; be it my father or my tormentors. And how much of my nature was down to simply myself? I sigh and stand up, brushing myself down and scuffing the earth with my boot. There were too many 'deep' questions in the air right now, I was sick of them.

"I hope you're fucking burning in hell... or perhaps freezing in a void of nothing." I then turn and head back over, grabbing the other shovel, only to find my hand patted out of the way by Levi a moment later. I frown and look at him, but as I watch that slight flush to his cheeks and white panted breath, I can only guess he wanted to do this part.

"Let me help with that slate? If only a little." He adds with a shrug, turning and continuing his work. I lean against the now vacant wheelbarrow and smile as he works, holding his discarded coat to my chest and breathing in his scent of mint and soap.

"You already help. You do know that on some level right?"

"I hope for it... but I can't deny it stings to know it's only... a little..." he pants and stabs the shovel into the earth for a moment, rolling his shoulder and cracking his back. "A little elbow grease makes it feel a bit more... assured. That make sense?"

"Perfectly."

"Good." He nods and continues until finally the dead are left to rest, or in this case to slowly rot.

We head back towards HQ, rinse out the wheelbarrow and put away all the tools and supplies. Cleaned of course. The hallways are mainly vacant, and little noise is around the building by this time. It isn't all that late I don't think, but a general air of calm has settled over these old stones. Was it simply the calm before another storm though? I shake my head and focus on putting one foot in front of the other, heading along with Levi towards our room.

Our small haven.

Once we're there and he's locked the door, Levi proceeds to move me around like a doll. He sits me down on a small wooden chair as the water for my bath heats up and he slowly removes my uniform. Piece my piece he takes away the blood-soaked garments, discarding them to the side. If they couldn't be cleaned I knew he'd just destroy them. Everything had to be clean right? I sigh when I feel him undo my hair, it tickling as it tumbles down my now bare back. I don't move at all unless he makes me, and judging from the gentle smile on his lips, it's what he wants. Control was important to someone like Levi, it was how he lived his life in all means: control over his emotions, his drives, his life, his actions, his choices. If he had control then he could decide whether or not to allow regrets, but when that control was lost? He was also. Those calloused hands feel wonderful against my skin and he gently tugs me to my feet, kissing my cheek lightly, like I'm made of glass.

Yet somehow I don't feel patronised.

How did he do that?

"Come on, Brat. Last thing on the list, and then hopefully you can finally sleep without demons." He hums, pulling my hand and leading through to the bathroom where a lantern is already lit and the bath sits steaming.

He was too damned good to me.

"Easy does it." He murmurs, helping me in and sat down. I sigh again, the warmth sinking into me and removing the last of my shivers. Levi then gets the sponge. I reach for it myself, but he just takes my hand and kisses the back of it, shaking his head and smirking when I blush. "Allow me this as well? Then I swear you can go back to being totally independent and not needing anyone."

"Heh... not so sure." I breathe and he keeps hold of my hand, looking confused and a little worried. I squeeze reassuringly. "Try as I might Levi I think I'm always going to need you." I explain and he blinks, looking genuinely surprised somehow.

For a man known for being an arrogantly cold bastard, he sure as hell had the self-esteem of a teenage girl sometimes.

"You don't have to look quite so shocked, Levi."

"No it's just..." he soaks the sponge and gently rubs in some soap, the gentle scent clearly indicating it was from his private stock. Apparently I was being pampered after my murderous rampage. "I didn't really expect you to ever say it so blatantly."

"No?" I say, smiling at his shrug.

"I thought you would hate the idea."

Gently he runs the sponge along my skin and I lean into the touch. My head hangs back slightly, my eyes closed as I focus on his careful motions. It was true that deep down I didn't like the idea of being dependant on anyone, let alone a man I had feelings for. It was what had led to my mother's pitiful downfall and I had always vowed to never allow myself to do the same. But as the days drew on, and the trials pounded down upon us, I couldn't deny that his hand to hold was something I needed now. It would hurt like hell when it was finally torn out of reach, be it by his own will – finally tiring of my moronic ways - or the world's. Yet for now I couldn't deny it. I needed him.

"I love you, so that over-rides it." I respond at last, and the sponge pauses halfway down my back, me having sat up as he instructed through silent touches. The air grows tense and I wonder if he's fallen asleep until I feel those lips against mine. I sigh into it and my wet fingers touch his cheeks gently, leaning into it till I feel the cold touch of the bath against my chest.

"Thanks for sticking around, Brat. I won't deny you had me worried for a bit there, seeing that... well... that fear in you again. Made me wonder if you'd manage it this time." He leans away and tucks my hair back, soaking the sponge again and washing along my collarbone. I smile and nod, sitting up straight again as I feel my cheeks burn.

"I feel like its finally done with, buried out there with them. I think... I think I can even face Valarie now without so much trepidation. Does that... make sense?" I bite my lip and hear him chuckle before he taps my chin to make me look at him, my cheeks only getting warmer when seeing that adoration in his light eyes.

"For once, Robyn? You're making perfect sense." He nods and I look down at my hands again, looking down at myself afterwards. "What is it?"

"I'm... I'm really clean of it... not f-filthy anymore..." I smile and laugh and sniff. "Heh... I'm clean!" I beam at him and he grins back for a moment.

"You never were, Robyn." He sighs, and I shrug, earning another click of his tongue. "Now then, dunk." He winks, but before I can ask what the heck he's on about my head is pushed under the water. God dammit. I wriggle and gasp up at the air, bubbles shooting up my nose and promptly sending me into a sneezing fit. "Yeesh you have the reaction time of a retarded drunk rat."

"Bugger... _off_!" I hack and cough, sneezing and then leaning back in the tub, flicking water at him. "You bastard..."

"Yes? Don't tell me this is news to you..." he murmurs, leaning in and kissing me again. I sigh and shake my head, wrapping my arms round him and holding tight. "You're not letting go are you?"

"Nope. So either clamber in here with me, or pull the tub over." I mutter back, grinning. I was under no illusion I'd actually manage to haul him in here by force, the man was as well grounded as the walls themselves. But I also reckoned that tonight he might let me have my fun. Another chuckle rumbles in his chest and he nods, nuzzling before leaning back and stripping himself. I add a little more hot water and move over, snuggling into his lap once he was in.

We share a sigh.

For a while we just lie there, and I lazily sponge at his chest and neck, meriting small hums of appreciation from him. I kiss over his heart and he runs his hand up and down my spine, softly slipping into the water with gentle lapping noises every so often. So this was tranquillity? I had forgotten what that word meant in amongst all the madness. He kisses the top of my head and I smile, looking up at him and running a finger along his jawline.

"You need a shave, sir." I whisper and he smirks, a frown soon following though. "I was joking..."

"What nightmares do you have about your father?" He asks, not looking at me, but at the lantern. I swallow and wonder where that had come from, but then I look where his other hand has moved to, running along old marks where I had scratched into myself too hard whilst sleeping. I bite my lip.

"Um... well I..."

"It's all right if you don't want to say but... I had thought it was just nightmares about missions, or even when we were taken... I didn't think you were still so far back in the past still." He licks his lips. "That came out more damning that it was meant to... I only meant-"

I silence him with a kiss.

He blinks and looks at me, trying to read me like a book; but it might as well have been written in Hanji's handwriting I think. He has no idea what's going on in my pages.

"I know what you mean, Levi. Funnily enough, I do know you a bit better now than when we first started this?"

"Ah yes... good..." he clears his throat and I sigh, putting my head in the crook of his neck, glad to feel his hand move up and down my back again.

"I dream about a lot of things really but... I suppose the most frequent one is the night he finally snapped, when he um... when he k-killed them and then tried to kill me. I see him attack them and then he just sort of looms over me, everything else on fire and yelling. But I um... I also dream about when I'd come home from s-school."

It feels so strange to be talking about this, to be saying it into the open.

"What would he do?" He breathes into my hair, hand never ceasing along my spine, keeping me calm. But really I don't feel panic at saying these things aloud, it's just surreal. I'm at ease though, resting against him and giving him another sneak preview into my lunacy. Would Levi eventually just cut and run?

"I'd sit at the kitchen table and wait for him to come ask about my day, it wasn't that he cared, he wanted to check what we were being taught about. But in the dream... he... he just stands at the end of the table staring at me. Whenever I try to speak he just slams his hands on the table, and if I try to move off the chair... th-the room sets on fire. Fuck I am mad." I sigh, turning into his chest more and feeling his lips against my hair.

"No... you're a little messed up perhaps. But you're also not that little girl any more, right?"

"Yeah... same as I'm not the woman on the floor of the cell... I guess now I'm just Robyn again." I mumble against his skin and he draws a deep breath, holding me close now and pressing his lips to my cheek.

"Sounds good to me." He hums and I look up to get a proper kiss.

"Do you have nightmares about your past?" I ask gently, never having really pried into his past before. I had never really felt like it was my business, but now that we had been through so much together, I wanted to know. He tilts his head and looks down at me, smirking as I run my fingers along his bottom lip.

"Occasionally... though only when I'm actually managing to sleep properly. So it isn't often." He shrugs and then bites my fingers playfully. "I have a couple that recur... but I guess the most common one would be when my mother passed."

"I'm sorry..."

"We all have our pasts Robyn, each as messed up as the last, just in different ways."

"What... what was she like?" I ask, and his hand starts moving again, stroking my spine as his words reverberate through the air.

"I was very lucky to have her, she cared about me a lot... did everything possible to provide for me. But in the end she was just another victim of the Underground. I still don't know exactly what it was that claimed her but... one morning she couldn't get out of bed, and at some point she slipped away. I just dream about that room; empty except for her lying in the bed, a sheet over her face because the way her lips didn't move any more scared me. That's all it is, that room and lights passing the windows. I can never reach her."

"You were stuck with her for a while then? After she had... passed?"

He nods and I kiss over his heart again, wondering what was crueller when it came down to it. The fast burn massacre that had ended my family, or a slow drawn out silent goodbye like his?

"Must have been going on a week by the time I was found." He shrugs and I shake my head, making him kiss my hair again. "It isn't something that causes me pain any more Robyn. I swear."

"All right then... who found you?"

"Curious tonight aren't we?"

"Mhm..." I nod, blushing a little more as I trace patterns along his chest. He sighs and drums his fingers against the edge of the bath.

"My... 'Uncle'. Kenny." He says the name oddly, not quite as venomous as I said 'Vincent', but its nearly there. I just nod and stop my questioning there. Baby steps was key in this kind of situation.

"Thank you for telling me..."

"Thank you for caring." He breathes, leaning back further and pulling me flush against him. "How about we soak for a bit and then get some sleep?"

"Mm... sounds good, Levi."

In the end I don't know how long we lie there for, but eventually we get out, dry ourselves off and then slip into our bed. The light flickers out and I listen to his breathing in the calm dark. The shadows are weakened, they're wounded and falling back for now. A smile plays along my lips as I lie there and feel like myself again.

Now all we had to do was deal with Valarie.

To find out what we could about the White-cloaks.

To see if we could head for the Underground like me and Levi had planned.

To see Erwin through his recovery.

To start the fight again.

To win back Maria.

By the walls... I'm going to need this sleep.

* * *

 **TA DAH! Aaaaan some fluff at the end there to take the edge off ;)**

 **Hope you all enjoyed and I hope to see you all again in two weeks when I HOPEFULLY update on time. Thank you to everyone reading and THANK YOU to everyone that has taken the time to review recently, I really appreciate it and will get to each and every one of you in the shoutouts! For anyone new here please leave a follow, fav and or review!**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Lilly: Glad you're managing to keep up and thanks for the review! I hope this wasn't too bloody for you ;)**

 **Sebastian: Ah good ol' faithful! Sorry i made you cry so much! Sorry the wait was so prolonged, partly halloween issues and partly me trying to get some semblance of balance so that Robyn didn't just go ahead and become a villain. 0_0 i hope I managed it! I also hope you enjoy the fluff afterwards. Thanks for chiming in again!**

 **GrimmKistune: Ah the dream reader, the rest of your reviews have been amazing and I'll go through them at the bottom of this upload I swear! So if you wanna know my responses to questions etc. just keep on scrolling! Thank you so much for taking the time, ALL THE TIME, I love to know your thoughts and your reactions are always awesome! Keza has indeed worked through this kind of thing with Robyn before, part of the reason they have such a strong bond :) Levi basically just buried it deep inside as usual, he will eventually work it all out, but to me he kind of does that through helping Robyn I think. By helping the woman they had trained him to kill, by looking after her, he is basically denying the White-Cloaks over and over. I hope this update was up to par for you! Thanks again, and see you next time!**

 **HoneyInTheSunshine: Wow! Now that IS praise! Thank you so much, and I'm so glad you're so attached to Robyn, that is suuuuch a big boost for me as a writer as OC's are always a worry when contemplating Fanfiction. Not that I have written any without one yet... but still! That does indeed show how much you love it, and I'm very honoured. I have plenty planned for this story, so don't worry, plenty more to come. Thank you for taking the time to review, see you next time and I hope this update was up to par for you.**

 **Grimm!: Good lord you meant it when you said you were gonna go back through! It's amazing really, and always makes my day when I have a review, or a couple, from you! On my older chapters its always nice as well as they feel like so long ago now!**

 **Chpt 1: I'm glad you were convinced by my character portrayals so early on, and yes I agree, that gear in summer must be revolting. Hence the boob commentary!**

 **Chpt 2: I didn't waste time pointing out Robyn was a lunatic, didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea... heh! Yeah he basically values her killer instinct at this point.**

 **Chpt 3: Hah and now I'm encouraging alcoholism, score! I was so glad people reacted well to the ribbon bit, I wanted to add some humanity to Robyn after the whole 'murder' thing. Jack was always intended to be a prick, and i'm glad you got that ;) and oh yes, as you well know now, he screws up BIG time.**

 **Chpt 4: Haha, yeah Jack is special. I never mind when people swear, fuck knows I do enough. Robyn is always hard on herself, she's probably her harshest critic... we share some traits... and trust me, I'd kill Jack as well. Lol actually I guess I did...**

 **Chpt 6: Heh there is always energy for the schmexy. I was SO nervous writing that smutt, i have never ever done that kind of writing before, sat there staring at it for ages wondering if I had done any of it right! And yeah they knew each other for 6 months at the start of the fic, and this chapter was another month after that so yeah, no running into bed for these two. I hate insta-romances.**

 **Chpt 7: I'm so glad you got hooked on Robyn so quickly, such a boost to know my OC has worked this well! Yeah Levi is FAR more attached than he likes to think, but he's just slow that way ;) I also CANNOT BELIEVE you picked up on the whole Eren loving Robyn thing that early - i didn't intend it at this point, and it was actually my boyfriend who pointed it out to me when he read it. Was news to me at the time! But yes... having read it back... he totally loves her at this point... whoops?**

 **Chpt 8: Robyn is always a badass, and she's very bad at putting up with whiney bitches. Again... we share traits! Bad writer... baaaad writer... but yeah I wanted to highlight how wary everyone remains of Eren. Because y'know, they be thick as pig-shit. Heh yeah the blood motif is a recurring one, she blames herself for almost everything. Thinks of herself as cursed or something.**

 **Chpt 9: "Sweet angry Jesus" might just be my new favourite phrase to be honest! I always go grim, its waaaay too much fun to delve into and write out. I am in many ways pure evil to my characters. Robyn is by all accounts BROKEN at this point, I never ever ever wanted to downplay how horrific this situation is for them. I wanted her skilled, but she is still fundamentally human, and easily broken.**

 **Chpt 10: I'm glad you still like the work, I have had readers give up on me before because the feels were too high. And I can understand that of course! But I'm glad the good outwayed the dark for you here. Robyn is one of those characters who is very much 'keep it together' all the time until suddenly something just breaks away and she has to scramble around for a bit. Snappage is always possible, I make no promises that she won't eventually simply lose her mind. She only scrubbed her hand, but like... like a madwoman.**

 **Chpt 12: Eren's Titan-ness basically burned it off too quickly for it to do anything to him. Thankfully. Think of the carnage! Robyn always has bad luck, and is of course my poor little pawn as well. Levi is pretty much losing his shit in this chapter.**

 **Chpt 13: Oh so very inescapable my friend ;) Robyn was... yeah... basically in Limbo I think. I just had fun with it to be honest. To be honest I threw in that detail about the chocolate and only now went... oh... sheeeitt... haha so we'll put that down to a small error on my part. Apologies! Either that or chocolate magicalness. But yeah I agree, they are totally in a European type of place.**

 **Chpt 14: I'm glad you found it so funny, it was intended as such! I always worry my comedy won't work. I reckon Titans are a lot like plants really, but then again THE MANGA STILL HASN'T REALLY GONE INTO THAT, so it's all speculation at this point.**

 **Chpt 15: I'm not sure on the cult front to be honest! Haha i'm glad you liked the shower scene, it was a lot of fun to write. Ah but of course those that attacked HQ might not have been MP's entirely ;)**

 **Chpt 16: New experimental Titan Shifter of my own design :P Yeah I wanted to highlight, through Levi and Robyn's little spat, that they weren't going to suddenly be always lovey dovey etc. She is still gonna stand up to him, and he is still gonna berate her. Yes Robyn could have gone for the nape, but I think she was panicking and just concerned about getting to Eren before he drowned.**

 **Chpt 19: Yeah I wanted to make it a good plan, even if it never came to fruition. And yes I reckon Levi would have had a very hard time keeping his rage under control tbh. Yeah Robyn is still messed up in the head, I though that needed underlining...**

 **Chpt 21: Yeah i wanted to delve right into the most fucked up parts of this Humanity with this section. And yeah... I kinda did that! And you got it spot on, the brainwashing continued for a long time for poor Levi.**

 **Chpt 22: I am also of that opinion, to an extent. Robyn is a very passionate person but it was that part of her that was gonna destroy her at this point. It needed cutting off. I looove how much you get her, you just seem to wholly understand her motivations and drives. It's thrilling to know I've managed to portray that to you and other readers!**

 **Chpt 23: Hanji always knew what had happened to Robyn yeah, she did the physical but because Robyn wasn't all that jtittery she never mentioned it in case Robyn was permenantly spared that memory. Of course she wasn't, but Hanji was hopeful. Armin... kind of got forgotten, hands held high, my bad. To be honest with you, the other major players in the manga sstoryline never came into it for me at this point, I was still just following my own storyline and that didn't include them. For now.**

 **Chpt 24-26: Haha I'm glad i didn't make you mad! I did contemplate having her leave for a year or something, but it seemed too drawn out. Multiple back-up plans just means for intelligent bad guys as far as I'm concerned. They were prepared for anything. And they didn't underestimate the Scouts intelligence, or creativity. I really enjoyed depicting that scene between Eren and Levi, I felt like the ground-work there needed to be shown, that they were both understood etc. because i didn't want Levi seen as just a jealous dick. He really is thankful to Eren for looking after Robyn, he just resents that the kid had to. Robyn is scratching herself because... well yeah partly for the reason you say, and partly because she feels like she needs punishment for everything else she's dreaming about. She ain't a one trick pony.  
**

 **Chpt 29-32: Erwin and Keza basically immediately became a thing in my mind, i dunno why... it just did. Toddy is going to get written up as... lost in amongst the rest. Apologies, another author fail in all honesty. But then again I could claim he's simply been tied up all this time... hmm... And yes, Levi remembers, I'm not kind enough to not make him remember. She very nearly did have a panic attack, it was a close-run thing. The girl's problem with Robyn is the royals problem... whatever that is ;)**

 **Chpt 34-35: I always like to be unexpected if I can, I felt like it was a stage in their relationship they would eventually think about, if only because they saw someone else doing it. And hell no Robyn ain't a Mary Sue, last thing she is! Whoop! And she takes the syringe because she's a masochist who genuinely thinks its better that she dies, no matter the situation frankly. She's... odd..**

 **Chpt 36: Bases in the trees would be possible once the ground ones had been maintained. It would take longer to build as Eren can only reach so high and of course wherever Eren can reach, so can some other Titans. Eren is taking a page out of Robyn's book, and its a baaaad page!**

 **Chpt 37: I think Hanji was angrier when first realising what Robyn intended to do, but of course that was a while ago and she's likely been able to kill a couple titans since then. You can only stay angry for so long ya know! Yes, she was damned stupid for doing it, and even more so for trying to use the serum, but hey ho it all worked out in the end riiight? And yeah Eren has his new power! I am glad I started to use a couple aspects from the manga now, just sprinkles here and there.**

 **PHEW! Thank you soooo much for reviewing as extensively as you have thus far. I will attent to any future reviews in the next update. You still are the dream reader! Thank you again, and I hope I explained all the decisions you questioned**


	47. Polite Company

**So... nearly a month late... I am so sorry. This month has really gotten away from me, but then again tis the season I suppose? I hope you're all doing well, and are looking forward to the festive season, I know I am!**

 **This isn't as long an update as I had planned but then again I didn't want you guys waiting for too much longer either. I hope this is up to standard and that you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

* * *

After breakfast, and with a fresh cup of coffee in hand, I head down to the cells with Hanji in tow. It all feels very normal somehow, despite the fact I'm about to confront my supposed relative about the death threats to our Commander, the possible recruitment of children from the Underground, and anything she was willing to share about these 'White-Cloaks'. I suppose after the turbulent night beforehand, this all seems rather vanilla. I smile and sip my coffee as we pass by the guards who both dip their heads in respect.

We were basically making it a rule that neither me nor Levi were allowed to go before Valarie to speak, without someone with us. It was just the safer option really. I still didn't understand the power she had over us; whether it was simply her royal blood, or the fact she had conditioned it into us was unclear. A small part of me hoped for the latter, that way everyone else should be safe, but then again it had definitely taken her longer to get into my head, so hopefully that meant someone untouched like Hanji would take even longer still. Not to mention Hanji's head was probably the safest amongst us all, a labyrinth of theories and intrigue.

The cells cling to the morning chill, the sun not venturing here till late afternoon when it would slip through those small vents above. My boots thump dully against the stone, and yet I feel a lot less apprehensive. Last night I had grabbed the reins again and was controlling my world once more. Last night I had finally finished that endless sea of closure-less wandering. And she had seen it; well, really she had heard far more than she had seen, but I'm sure my point is made nevertheless. A smirk is on my lips as I lick them free of coffee and me and Hanji reach the cell in question.

"Mmph!" It's the only whimper that greets us, the gag still in place as that vile woman remains huddled in the back corner of her pen. I tilt my head and wave pleasantly, hearing Hanji give a small snicker behind me before she's stepped forward with the keys.

"Think she's feeling talkative, Hanji?" I hum as I pull up a stool on the opposite wall, sitting a couple metres away from the bars. The scientist shrugs and opens the door with a whining creak, those old hinges not used often enough to remain silent.

"I dunno, they always seem to enjoy the sound of their own voices too much... probably won't take long to get her tongue wagging." Hanji says as she goes over and unhooks the shackles from the back of the cell, unceremoniously dragging the 'royal' to the front where Hanji reattaches the chains to the bars themselves. It's all very business like, you wouldn't think it was only the following morning after I'd paused on this very spot with a wheelbarrow full of a couple bodies. I smirk, wondering how many times that image had flashes before our prisoner's eyes. I hope it was beyond counting.

Valaries eyes dart all over the place; to me, to Hanji, to the unyeilding stone sky, to the floor where the moss continued to grow. I don't know what she's doing, but if its an evasion tactic it wasn't going to get her very far. In those watery eyes I was finally seeing that fear I had longed to create, finally she seemed to be cracking, finally she seemed to be losing that damned composure.

Finally.

I was enjoying this a bit too much, but I brush these worries aside as I finish that coffee and set the cup down by my feet. The clink echoes, Valarie's heavy breathing the only other thing to be heard until Hanji has tugged that gag out of the way.

"Careful, I'll bet she'll bite if given the chance." I murmur to my friend, seeing those glasses flash as Hanji looks over her shoulder in my direction.

"Would only give me a good reason to kick her, so she can try if she wants." It was an amazing thing really, how utterly terrifying Hanji sounded without that usual chipper excitement in her voice. It was like bird-song giving way to thunder.

"Good point." I nod and Hanji chuckles, leaving the shuddering woman in the cell and returning to my side, the cell door once again announcing its closing with a long whine and clunk. For a couple seconds I just stare at our prisoner, waiting and then enjoying the moment when those fidgeting eyes finally land on mine. Then she can't look away, then she's too scared to even blink. "Good morning, Valarie."

"M-Morning..."

"How'd you sleep?" I ask with a tilt of my head. She swallows hard.

"Y-You... y-you r-really killed them didn't you?" She whispers, her head already shaking in denial as I slowly nod in return. "Th-they were good soldiers you h-heartless dog. How could you so callously-"

"Let's not breach the subject of callousness, Valarie. I'm not quite warmed up enough to start kicking the shit out of you yet." I calmly reply and those trembles increase tenfold. "Those 'soldiers', as you refer to them, got nothing but what they deserved. Nothing but what I promised them when they held me down and stole from me. I'm sure you, as an intelligent and educated woman, can understand the need for balancing the scales." I slowly smile at her and watch a bead of sweat tumble down her pasty face.

This was too fucking good.

"Are you willing to talk to us openly yet, Valarie?" Hanji asks and those fidgeting eyes snap to her next, narrowing as the quivering lips thin to an unamused line. Apparently Valarie's contempt had not been fully broken yet. We still had work to do.

"I will only talk to one at a station appropriate to my own."

"Funny how the stutter disappears as soon as she starts talking shit." I chuckle, glancing at Hanji and sharing a smirk between us. I then look back to my supposed relative and my smirk dips into a grimace. "Unfortunately we'll have to do, I never did get round to teaching rat-shit to talk."

"How dare yo-"

"Listen, bitch. You will talk to anyone, you hear me _Valarie_? Me, Hanji, Levi, any of the Scouts that come down here and demand answers from you. Like those soldiers who have lost comrades during your attacks perhaps? You will answer them all, or I swear, for every snobbish refusal I will cut into your oh-so-precious royal skin and make a tally-mark of bullshit." I growl, and she leans away slightly, knowing full well she has absolutely no where to run. I take a second to swallow back that bitter taste of loathing, to clasp my hands together and trying to maintain some control. I wanted to use my father's rage, but I didn't want to succumb to it. "Am I understood?"

"Y-Yes." Valarie nods and blinks, false tears tracking their way down her suitably filthy face. I look to Hanji again and nod, knowing full well she would have to repeat her question.

"Are you going to speak openly? With truth?" Hanji asks again and Valarie glares at her as she replies begrudgingly.

"Yes."

"So you no longer believe someone is coming to get you? That was all you seemed willing to say a day or so ago." The scientist continues, notepad at the ready and hand already scratching across it. The noise makes Valarie's eyes tighten, and her snarl warp further, but with a quick glance in my unwavering direction, she answers again.

"I believe they will still be seeking me out, yes. But I see no reason not to indulge you if it will spare me a little pain."

"So you're willing to give away that undying loyalty, for the sake of a bit of pain? My, my, not so noble now are we?" I laugh, not wanting her to go back on it, but unwilling to allow that idea to slide.

For all her poise and supposed superiority, she was crumbling after a few days locked up, and a bit of pain threatened. We hadn't even beaten her yet. Perhaps the spine got softer the more a family inbred with itself, my mind wanders through the possibilities as I look her up and down in scrutiny. A blush is blooming on her cheeks and she clears her throat.

"If my family has failed to save me from this wrong-doing, then I see no reason not to fail them a little as well. As you say... balancing the scales." She breathes, sucking in a shaken breath between her teeth. "I don't suppose I could trouble you for some food and perhaps coffee? As a sign of good-faith?"

"Mm... not entirely sure I ever remember being given such a kindness when I was whipped into a bloodied heap by your feet?" I muse, noting the pausing in Hanji's writing as her jaw tightens. Valarie gulps. "But then again I'm _not_ a callous bitch like yourself. I'll have some bread and water brought down here after we're done, and I'll consider not spitting in both." I lean back and watch that nose wrinkle. Beautiful.

"Thank you..."

"You're not welcome. Now then I'll get right to it, how have you been getting such young recruits into your little cult?" I ask, watching her grit those teeth together even harder. Whilst she had clearly decided she was going to betray those highly held loyalties, she wasn't comfortable doing it. For a moment she seems a bit human to me. But of course that moment soon passes by.

"We take them in and give them a home."

"And..." I encourage, Valarie glaring as she licks her lips before continuing.

"And... a-and then we simply offer our values. Sometimes they take them, and sometimes they don't. Their choice." She says, and I don't quite manage to withhold my laughter.

"You mean they sometimes do, and if they don't you threaten them with being homeless again. Are you recruiting from the Underground mainly?" I continue, and from the way those eyes blink wide for a second I think the nail has been hit upon its head. Oh good. "Well?"

"H-how... how on earth would you have deduced that?"

"It's a lot easier to manipulate the mind of a truly desperate child. And the place where desperation is most rife, would be the Underground, simple logic really." I reply and she grumbles under her breath. "Where are you recruiting from down there? What area? Or is it all over?"

There's a long pause, but I don't force it. This was a woman of pride before me, her highly held self-worth was crumbling, and all the lies and assurances of her family brought to light with every passing hour of confinement. I was willing to be cruel, but not willing to risk not attaining my answers. After a moment or two she sighs and shrugs.

"Find Kenny Ackerman and you've got your source." She shakes her head.

For the most part I manage to withhold my reaction, simply frowning at the last name. I recall Levi used the term 'uncle' last night, but he didn't exactly say it with affection. I clear my throat and note her staring at me.

"Ackerman?" repeats Hanji, receiving an impatient look from Valarie.

"I don't know myself what the relation is, so take it up with your Mongrel Captain."

"Mind you tongue or you fucking lose it." I snap and she flinches.

The fact that Levi was once again being knitted into this was something I hated, it made my skin crawl. We were supposed to be getting distance, not being dragged back in. Then again perhaps the connection would prove useful? Then again that would also require luck. In all likeliness we just opened another bag of worms that contained a bag of angry snakes. I stand up, grabbing my mug as I do, this wasn't information I fancied sitting on for any longer than necessary.

"You okay to look into Erwin's safety with our esteemed guest, whilst I go see what Levi makes of these claims? I'll send a cadet down with food and to supervise."

"Sounds fine by me, Robyn." Hanji nods and then takes my seat instead, "just us for a while then Valarie, shall we get along for now?"

"Whatever, peasant."

"There's that tongue again." I growl, the woman shrinking back when I look through those bars with a fierce glare.

It was becoming a bit too much fun to see that reaction, so I nod to Hanji and march out of there, my nails clacking against the mug as I go. A couple guards are outside and I nod to them, greeting Shaun with a familiar smile.

"Could you get some bread and water for our prisoner, and then stay down there with Hanji whilst she continues the questioning? I have a couple things to discuss with Captain Levi."

"Of course, Robyn." He nods and hurries away, ever the diligent soldier. It was nice to have something dependable going on in the background. I head to Levi's office, pausing when hearing an argument in the mess-hall. Normally I'd just assume a cadet quarrel, but I can't help but recognise Armin's panicked tones.

"Look you're doing _no one_ any good by being this foolish! You're only going to make yourself ill, and then they'll force-feed you or something. Think about how this'll hurt Robyn for god's sake!" I hear Armin yelling and I step closer, peering through the open door.

Breakfast had been mainly cleared away, but there was still a tray full of food sat on the table where Armin was stood berating someone. But I swallow hard and accept that I already know who it is. Eren. I linger a little longer, wanting some honest insight before I was lied to by either of them, trying to play things down in the wake of my rather violent night. I guess I was in recovery, but I was also very aware of the fact I wasn't the only one suffering right now. Not that anyone else wanted me aware of this.

"Come on at least eat the toast? You're just gonna pass out during training, or worse!" Armin seems to struggle with his friend until someone lands on the chair and gives a grunt.

"No, I can't stand it!" Eren yells desperately, and I feel that pained voice sink into me. "I feel like I'll vomit every time I put something in my mouth! Can't you understand Armin?"

"But Eren you have to-"

"I ate him! My own father, I... I can't stomach anything. I feel filthy if I even _look_ at food."

I gently push the door open and watch those two heads snap round in my direction; Armin looking lost, and Eren looking defeated. He knows I've heard him, and he knows I'm aware of how little Levi's talk with him had actually helped. It was progress to not have him in the cells, but if he was just going to waste away up here instead? What was the point? I don't say anything, because frankly I can't right now, I want to have answers but there's none to be found.

Eren's mouth opens and closes a few times as I approach, and I see tears gather in his eyes. This isn't something he wants either; I'll bet he hates being stuck in this rut as much as I had hated my own. Eren was a soldier and he wanted to serve, not be held back by his past; something I knew too well. When I'm stood in front of him I gently put a hand to his face, smiling softly and then glancing down at the food tray.

"Every bite tastes like bile? Every chew feels like you're eating him, or even one of us? Every swallow just feels like a prelude to you vomiting again?" I ask gently, running my thumb along his cheekbone slowly all the while. He nods. I nod. "I can understand that.. you've got a lot of noise in your head right now, Eren. But... remember what the Captain said? If you can't trust yourself, trust others instead?" I say, voice growing thin as I fight against the lump forming there.

The shadows under his eyes are already too deep, and there's a gauntness to his face that wasn't there before. It's only been a couple days but already I can see a weariness in his eyes; not only was he still growing, but he was a Shifter, so who knew what kind of toll that took on a body. It takes a few moments of silence, but eventually Eren blinks, those tears rolling down, one tickling my thumb, the other disappearing into his shirt collar.

Finally he nods.

"All right, then I promise the toast is nothing more than that. You're Eren Jeager, not the Rogue Titan. You're human all right? You're a soldier, a comrade, and a brother. Please don't take that away from us?" I reach down with my other hand and pick up the toast, my hand shaking slightly as I raise it back up to his lips. "Please?" I repeat, his brows lifting in the middle before he nods and takes a bite.

A shudder runs through him and I hear Armin grabbing a bucket, but I just focus on Eren for the time being. I don't dare look away. He chews it for too long, and the way his nose wrinkles lets me know that above all else its the texture he can't stand right now. I just smile at him, thumb never stopping in its movements against his cheek.

"Toast, and nothing more."

He hesitates.

He swallows.

"Thank you, Eren." I nod and he takes another bite, lips quivering as he chews again, this time less prolonged before he swallows and picks up his water to sip at. "You're doing really well." I encourage gently, another small nod coming from him before the toast is finally gone and he makes that final swallow.

"C-can I stop now?" He asks in that small voice that doesn't suit him.

"For now, yeah. Small steps, eh?" I pat his cheek gently and accept him when he leans in for a hug. I sigh and hold him close, running a hand through his hair and smiling in return of Armin's appreciative look. It wasn't much, and it certainly wasn't enough to sustain him, but perhaps a small piece of dry toast was the starting point.

"Th-thanks... I'm sorry..." He mumbles against me.

"You're welcome, and don't apologise, just focus on getting better okay? You're allowed to be in pain Eren, no one expects you to just brush this off okay? Maybe at dinner you could manage the bread and potatoes?" I tilt my head and he gives an unsure nod, looking to the side and blushing. "Hey now, look at me and nod?"

He does so.

I grin.

"There he is." I ruffle his hair and he sniffs into a nervous chuckle, Armin patting his shoulder soon afterwards. "I need to go talk to the Captain now but you two should probably stick together okay? How's Mikasa doing?" I ask Armin, letting Eren just rest back and sip his water.

"Haven't seen much of her to be honest... can't tell if that's a good thing or not." Armin shrugs and scratches the back of his neck. "Thanks though... I had hoped to get through to him without having to bother yo-"

"It's never a bother, Armin." I nudge him and then head for the corridor, keen to get to my Captain's office in order to seal that bubble around myself for a little while. It was selfish, but in that fragile shell of Eren I had seen way too much of myself. How did Keza do it? I would have to thank her properly, for not only the most recent rescue she had performed, but all those from the past as well.

"Come in." Calls Levi, not looking up. It takes a couple seconds, but when he does look up he smiles softly and puts down his quill. "Everything all right? You look tense..."

"Yeah... well... with me anyway." I add with a nod, heading round and sitting on the edge of his desk. His hand rests on my knee and I feel his patience, it seemed he had so much more of it these days, or perhaps it was just my imagination.

"Eren I suppose?" He guesses and I frown, watching that small smile slip into place. He enjoyed being able to read me this well didn't he? "I saw him at breakfast struggling with his food... didn't really know what to say in all honesty. I'd hoped Artlet would get through to him this time, suppose you stepped in?"

"Once I had to yeah... problem being that I can't pretend to know what the hell is going on in his head right now."

"Don't think any of us can really." Shrugs Levi, but I'm glad to not see any anger there. His concern on the subjects seemed to actually be that, concern, not irritation with Eren.

"But anyway... onto slightly better news, I got a confirmation from Valarie."

"On... her being a psychotic wench? On her being evil to the core? Oh, possibly on her actually being a soul sucking cun-"

"Levi." I half-laugh and he stops, smirking a little and then raising his hands.

"All right, sorry... been a bastard morning of paperwork. Please.. continue."

"We were right, they're using Underground kids." I nod and smile before making it promptly disappear, it didn't feel right to celebrate that kind of thing. Levi's hands slowly lower and he takes a deep breath, the lighter moment passing us by again.

"I think it was more your idea to be honest but okay... well... it's answers I suppose. Sickening ones, but then again when the fuck aren't they, right?" He sighs and sits back in his chair, smoothing back his hair and looking rather tired already.

I stand there in silence for a moment, the bitter truth stinging my tongue still. The White Cloaks were in fact recruiting from the Underground; as if that place needed any extra suffering. I watch the revelation sink into Levi, like watching rain falling upon already sodden earth; how much more could he bear? Already he was in fear of losing Erwin, either to illness or to those seeking to hurt him, along with that was the extra strain of additional commanding duties, dealing with my issues, his own personal ones, and Eren's in all likeliness. And now? Now that dark place he had escaped from was creeping back into his life. Would it never stop for my Captain?

When he doesn't seem keen on breaking the silence I shift my weight and tuck an errant strand of hair back into place. His pale eyes flick up to me and almost soften.

"Just... Levi, just remember you're not alone in this?" I plead, watching how he leans into my touch against his cheek.

"And I'm so damn grateful for that, Robyn... I really am." He breathes and I try not to let it show on my face how much it hurts to see him this weakened. At least now, with my closure in hand, I could hope to help him, to take some of the load.

"We can head down there like we planned?"

"Yeah seems so... once things are more stable around here. Don't suppose her royal highness gave any indication of where to start? It's not the biggest rat's nest to rifle through... but there's still plenty rats." He says and I bite my lip, clearing my throat and wondering why my face felt hot all of a sudden. "Robyn?"

"She mentioned a Kenny Ackerman? Claimed she didn't know of a relation but... to take it up... with you... Levi who the hell is he? I know you said uncle last night but... is he actually related to you?" I ask, my voice having trailed as I watched the worry cloud my Captain's eyes. It was like someone had just loaded a gun and aimed it at me. It was never a good sign when Levi looked worried, there really wasn't a hell of a lot that shook him that badly. Who the hell was this Kenny guy?

"Shit." He breathes finally, shaking his head. "Robyn I'm not sure you should come with me." He says suddenly and I admit I have to do a double-take.

I had expected explanation, a story even, possibly a small tangent into Levi's troubled past. But that? Nope, I had not seen that coming. Why was I suddenly not wanted? I look him up and down and tilt my head, knowing I didn't need to voice the question, he could hear it loud and clear. It was probably deafening him.

"If Kenny... my deranged Uncle, really is still down there, I don't want you anywhere near."

"You don't think I can handle myself?" I don't like to question his trust in me, but I can't deny it feels like he is doubting my ability to fight. Did I look weak to him now? I hate even the idea, but thankfully he is shaking his head and that hand is back on my knee. It squeezes gently.

"Nothing of the sort, Brat, and you know that deep down. No it's more my own paranoia, if that psycho bastard learned of my attachment to you, if he hasn't already, he would just use it. I know he would." It was definitely a similar tone to whenever I spoke of my father, this resentment saturated disgust. Clearly Kenny had hurt Levi deeply, or perhaps someone he loved.

"Uhuh... is he actually your Uncle or..."

"Not entirely sure to be honest, but he always used the term himself. Then again the truth isn't something he is well versed in by any means." He shrugs and I give a small nod, my mind wandering as a smirk appears on my lips. "What's that look for?"

"Not used to it being someone else's family causing issues."

"Ah... I see." He snorts and sits up, laying his head against his hand on my knee. I run my fingers through his hair, listening to his head clunking away as the past sauntered about the room. It really was an obnoxious bastard at times.

"I just can't figure out what he has to do with the White Cloaks, not exactly his usual type of deal. Not known for his refined nature." He hums, mind ticking over loudly.

"For the right price people can always surprise you." I say and watch him nod distractedly. Eventually he comes back into the room, looking up in an almost sheepish manner, only it's still Levi so really it's barely nervous.

"Would you be okay with remaining here?" He asks, almost sounding guilty as well. I tap his nose and raise a brow.

"Oi. You're still my captain, I still follow orders." I chuckle with a wink as he blushes softly. "Levi c'mon, I am still Cadet Sanshi too right?"

"Of course, sorry." He sighs and kisses my hand, rather rendering the subject matter a moot point. "I'll talk to Erwin about heading for the Underground, but I don't think I can leave Shitty-Glasses here on her own for a while. Not till Erwin can-"

"Go when you feel ready to." I smile and he nods, once again looking distracted immediately.

Apparently my Captain was the one with a noisy mind for the time-being.

* * *

Later that day, after what feels like a strangely average set of duties, meal-times, and general normality, I head for the stables. It was meant to be Eren helping Jean with cleaning it out, but I knew just as well as Armin did, that Eren needed to rest. We had to give him some slack. The less taxing duties would be his until he had some strength back, or at least until he had managed to eat a full meal. At lunch he had managed both pieces of toast, and with dinner he had even managed a few potatoes. It wasn't much, but it was better than him running on fumes and passing out. Keza was only too happy to take an extra watch over the Commander, promptly telling Eren to get himself to bed early or she'd punish him. Rather nervously he had asked me what was meant by that, but in all honesty I hadn't known what her version of that was. Whether or not she was teasing his virgin status or genuinely threatening him with painful torture.

Keza was an enigma to the end.

As Jean and I finish up scrubbing the stalls I feel a distinct chill run down my spine. Considering the hour and the colder winds rolling in, this wasn't all that uncommon, but considering it felt a lot more like long nails running down my spine, I wasn't inclined to ignore it. Something wasn't right. I look around but the place is locked tight, so I know I haven't forgotten to lock anything. Instead I head back over to the door, my breathing coming out in white puffs as I put my eye to the hinge crack, feeling the chilled air against my skin. It tickles my eyelashes.

"What is it Robyn?" Jean asks warily, sensing the tension.

I shush him and frown, my eye adjusting to the darkness finally. It was too late for patrol, and we did that on horses, which of course were all tucked away in their beds. So that meant either we had a rather bad infestation of enormous rabbits in the compound vegetable patch, or we had some uninvited guests skulking about.

"Jean.. without causing too much of a ruckus, I need you to get yourself and a couple others to Valarie's cell. Be armed and ready for bastards, but whatever you do, make sure she doesn't get out. I'll get Levi and guard Erwin, _go_!" I snap, glad to see him making a move rather than asking pointless questions.

Boy knew how to take an order.

I am right after him, only pausing to get a few more people aware as I go along the corridor. No alarms sound, no yelling starts. Instead we move silently, our hurried feet skidding around and preparing the whole HQ. Everyone would be armed, and the enormous bunnies had lost their advantage of surprise. All that was needed now was to find out which carrot they were seeking.

I knock rapidly on Levi's door, the speed only increasing as my patience wore thin. There's no answer and I just open the door instead, looking around and finding the room vacant. I stop myself before I can properly panic, knowing he might well be visiting Erwin anyway. I grab his coat and blade from the bedside table and head for Erwin's recovery room. I unceremoniously bash into the room, take stock of Keza, the Commander, and a confused Levi, before I turn to slam the door shut, locking it tight and then dragging a heavy table in front of it with a whining scrape.

Someone clicks their tongue.

Someone else sighs tiredly.

And the final someone drums her fingers against the bed-frame.

"I'm gonna go right ahead here and assume there's an explanation." Keza muzes. Her chair creaks as she gets up and stands behind me, her toe tapping against the woodwork. I turn to her and smile sheepishly, cheeks a little flushed from the hurried scampering.

"Figures in the compound. Valarie already guarded." I say and Keza nods, not really reacting otherwise as she heads over to Erwin and helps him sit up. The Commander is still a little pale, but I'm glad to see a slight shade of colour to his cheeks and some strength in his movements.

Levi stands and comes over to me, probably about to ask if I was all right before he's interrupted by a curt Keza. Business mode was on.

"Sensing a fight?" She asks calmly and I nod, her returning the gesture as she hands Erwin a robe which the man shuffles into. Levi takes his jacket and blade from me. Keza then goes over to a cupboard door at the far end of the room; it was a large cupboard for linen and medical supplies. Or perhaps in this case, for stowing away a tall blonde man with a target on his back.

"Did you see how many?" Levi asks as he shrugs on the coat. I shake my head, still considering this might all be some strange hallucination about large rabbits. Despite the fact a hallucination would mean there was no danger, I did kind of hope I wasn't seeing things to that degree. I'd never be trusted again if that was the case.

"Righto, well I'll take the big cripple in here, no windows, and you two have fun playing guards in here. Sound good?"

"You got means to defend yourself, Keza?" Asks Levi.

I share a look with my sister, her casually flashing her thigh laden with three blades. They shine in the lantern light and I see Erwin raise his brows. He definitely had some strength back then.

"And that's only what I am willing to show in such polite company." She winks and helps the now blushing Erwin through, grabbing some blankets soon after and then disappearing into the cupboard, a small click indicating the door was locked tight.

I can breathe a bit easier now that I know the Commander was safe, and under the gentile care of Keza. But now Levi and I just have to hold our own blades tightly and wait.

"Least we know Valarie isn't entirely full of shit." I say as the silence grows heavy. Levi paces and snorts at my words, shaking his head.

"At least not when threatening us."

"Mm... true..." I hum, tensing when hearing footsteps by the door. But they pass by. I hope everyone else is all right. "Levi, should I-"

"Don't move. Stay right here, Brat. The other's can handle themselves."

It sounded like an order, but had an edge of pleading as well. I nod and keep glancing round the windows in the room, feeling like the thumping of my own heart was the ticking of a clock, or even sand running through a glass. The real problem being what the hell would happen when the time ran out.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, hope it was worth the wait! A lot of balls are rolling now :P be prepared for some hectic times ahead!**

 **Please leave a fav, follow and or review as I love to hear from my readers. See you next time and hopefully not so late!**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Sebastian: I hope your cosplay went well! Thanks so much for the review, I am glad the fluff was up to standard for you, I felt it was needed after such a heavy start to the chapter! Sorry again for the delay on this, its a mad time of year, but don't worry there is plenty more planned! Have a great christmas although I do hope to update before then!**

 **Grimm: I have kind of lost track of what reviews I have responded to and what ones I haven't in all honesty, but I will go through from Chapter 37 onwards down below. Thank you so much for still reviewing so often, its awesome!**

 **7dreamersscenarios: I... I barely know what to say quite frankly. Your reviews, both on here and Chained Wings seriously took my breath away and I have re-read them so often! Thank you so much for taking that much time! It seriously means the world and I sincerely hope you're still here and still enjoying. I am so thrilled you enjoy my characterisation of Levi, I always want to keep him consistent but also have him grow with the story... i often worry I lose that balance but you've definitely helped me feel more confident about it. Your words are so fricking kind! That last scene was a joy for me to write, I felt like that softness was needed, and that i needed to underline that they are both still human underneath the brutality. I am so thrilled the vulnerability came across but not too heavily. Again, balance! I'm so glad you enjoyed her mental arc, i was worried I was overdoing it to be honest, but I didn't want to rush the subject either, so thank you so much for highlighting your enjoyment of it, seriously means the world to know i managed to pull it off to such a degree. The revenge scene was really hard to write in all honesty; i enjoyed the brutality, of letting her just let loose and finally get closure, but at the same time I didn't want her to become a villain. Gah and your praise is just... i can't even fully convey how wonderful it feels to have someone not only enjoy my writing, but be so... convinced by it? Not sure that's the right phrasing, but thank you so much. Haha, i'm glad you also enjoy the humour, I always want to add a little here and there to provide some reprieve! Thank you so veeerrrry much Taylor, seriously, you have made this authors day, week, month, possibly year. It's readers like you that keep me writing these stories! Hope this update was as enjoyable, though don't worry, a shorter review is fine! You really are a star.**

 **Artemis615: You reviews chapter 7 so I have NO idea if you'll ever see this, or even make it that far, but I hope you do. Thank you for the input anyway and hopefully you make it haha!**

 **Grimm: Okay dokey! So Chpt 39: I wanted to fully portray Eren's mindfuckedness without making it into a soap opera, so I hope it worked! Yes Valarie is proper psycho, sees the world as a big chess board for herself and the family. Her fate will soon be revealed ;)**

 **Chpt 40: Bastards always have the ways and means to be bastards, univesal rule I'm afraid. A chapter surrounding Erwin and Keza is in fact on the cards over the next few updates, great minds think alike I suppose!**

 **Chpt 41: Haha I am glad you were worried for Erwin, I didn't want anyone assuming he was safe because he was in the manga. I am using certain aspects from the manga but I don't see it as a rulebook, considering about 80-90% of this narrative is entirely my own anyway haha. Keza has a very specific brand of bedside manner; scare people into being well again.**

 **Chpt 43: Haha thanks, I enjoyed writing the shower scene to be honest. Yeah Robyn is having a relapse of some bad habits. I thnk she always will have that aspect to her to be honest, she's been through too much not to have side-effects. I'm glad you enjoy the LeviXRobyn relationship so much, i am rather proud of it tbh. Mike... mike is... probably in the same place as Sasha... the recesses of my mind...**

 **Chpt 44: Yeah... that was a tough chapter to write to be honest but I knew I had to make it clear that not everything was remembered, there were still things to be uncovered etc. I was actually VERY nervous about uploading it.**

 **Chpt 46: Of course I would take the time! I am a quick reader and also you have clearly taken so much of your own time to review! Only fair after all haha! You're meant to like Robyn getting her revenge, haha, there was enough of a bloody build-up to it after all! I'm glad the pay-off worked for you. Levi is plenty messed up to be honest, and think he can understand better than anyone else that she needs to vent this kind of poisonous rage out. It's the healthier option. Yeah a part of me wanted Valarie to watch, but then she might have been able to work her mind magic, so it wasn't worth the risk/plot hole. I'm so glad you liked the fluffier scene as well, I felt it was needed to calm everyone down again! Thank you again for still reviewing sooooooooo much, it's amazing to know your ongoing opinions and predictions etc. I hope this update was up to par for you and I hope the delay wasn't too annoying... anyway thank you again, you're awesome!**


	48. 2017 apologies, explanations, SHAME

**Happy New Year Everyone! Yes unfortunately this isn't content update, its an apology one and a touch of grovelling as well. Oh and a dash of explanation too.**

 **I am very sorry for the lack of updates, believe me I am verrrry aware of the fact I am MAJORLY overdue for both RBW and CW. Not to mention FFD. But frankly I think I've been a bit burnt out from only writing AOT based things for such a consistent amount of time. So I'm looking some personal projects for now and I plan to dabble back and forth. So hopefully it won't be too long before I get back to updating for you all.**

 **Thank you to everyone still following and reviewing and favouriting. I am so very glad to have you all as my awesome readers, and I promise I have plenty plans for all stories I have up right now, it isn't a lack of planning, it's a lack of... creativity? Nah... drive? I don't know, I just think I'm a bit sapped right now. Along with this my job situation has changed again and there's all that kafuffle going on as well.**

 **Anyway I hope to update as soon as I can, and I highly appreciate all your patience! I can also confirm I have actually written some of the update for all 3 stories, INCLUDING FLIGHT FROM DARKNESS. So yes, that story will FINALLY have an update. I think I last updated it in march of last year... *shudder* BAD AUTHOR. Sorry guys, anyway, hope to see you soon with some updates ready to go.**

 **P.S I am aiming for it to be within another month. I hope sooner.**


	49. Dramatics

**Hello everyone, hope you're all well and hope you're still around!**

 **This is a slightly shorter update than normal but right now that's how it has to be I'm afraid. Rest assured there's plenty planned, and now with the every three week schedule i'm working too I'm hoping things will become a bit more routine now. However I really do appreciate the patience.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

 **Note: Possible manga things throughout so ye be warned.**

* * *

I stare at the door, waiting for something to change, for something to shift. Would the others have managed to stop the attack entirely? Would we hear nothing until a small knock sounded on the door and a nervous Jean poked his head round, blushing and scratching the back of his head? Or would the enemy suddenly appear, would me and Levi be attacked from every window as they burst into shards of glass and the fight began? At least my imagination was having fun. I swallow hard. I had to be ready for anything, and yet right now I don't really feel prepared for a single thing.

"If it happens, it'll happen fast, I want you to stay by the door, Robyn." Levi says, stepping forward and laying his hand on my arm. I look down at his grip and then up at him, seeing how his eyes never left their scanning of the windows.

"But surely that'll just highlight where the Commander is?"

"Do you suppose they'll suspect he's under a bed? They'll figure it out in seconds anyway, Robyn. Stay by the door and let me handle the ones attacking from the front. I can do that." He smirks and nods, my argument no longer necessary as my trust takes over. As I move he murmurs a thank you and we settle into our new positions. I am stood ready in front of the cupboard door, glad to hear no sound from within as that indicated nothing was wrong. If there was Keza would have been yelling by now. That woman knew how to scream.

How long we're stood waiting I cannot say, but as the floor in the corridor creaks I feel every muscle within me tighten up. It's not only uncomfortable, but bloody unnerving. Give me Titans any day, those bastards didn't know how to tip-toe. I try to keep breathing evenly, the temptation to hold my breath being very strong right now. Levi crouches slightly, blade held in his hand the wrong way round, and head still slightly moving whenever he checked the windows again. The glass reflected our lanterns, but otherwise were just panes of oiled black, warping whenever the lantern flame flickered. I hear a blade being drawn beyond the door.

I blink.

I shiver.

The fight begins.

They flood the room, cries of anger and adrenaline rising like the thrum of a swarm of flies. They seemed to appear from everywhere at once. It made sense, but usually the bad guys were thick enough to do it one by one. Not this time apparently. Every window bursts inwards, a cacophony of smashes and crashes, and the floor is covered in glass shards like a fresh winter frost. Levi is off like a shot, kicking one man back mid-air to send him flailing back against the glassed window-sill, before swinging round to deal with the one who had approached opposite. The table in front of the door is shifting, but it's so heavy that it'll definitely take a few tries for anyone to get through that.

I clash blades with one who came through the window closest to the cupboard, his face mainly covered but yellowed teeth bare at me as we struggle. Glass crunches underfoot as they tussles begin, and I try to figure out where the other two men have gone. I groan and manage to knee my sparring partner bastard between the legs, him crumpling slightly, but using the momentum to send me flying back into the man who had apparently come in one of the other smashed windows. Only one to find then. He grabs me under the arms, trying to hold me steady for his now higher pitched friend to deal with, but I'm not in the mood to oblige. I writhe and thrash my head backwards, cracking my subduer on the head with my own skull, dipping down and kicking feet out from under him. He lands hard, shards digging into his now stretched face as he screams. The man approaching with blade drawn pauses, his hand going for the door handle to the cupboard before his face has been greeted with my boot. I don't think he even saw me move. His nose crumbles beneath my tread, but now the other bastard has come back from the headbutt and is tackling me to the ground. As we fall I see Levi finishing off one of his foes before clashing with another, my arms thankfully bracing my fall enough so that I can roll with my attacker and smoosh him into the wall.

"Fuck!" He grunts, and I dig my elbow back, hissing as I feel his blade rake up the back of my arm, a warmth immediately spreading out as blood is drawn. I roll again and ready my blade, watching him get to his feet at the same time as me, a hand momentarily on his ribs and I grin. I'd done something. Time to take it further. I feign an attack to the wounded side, which he defends, but then leaves the good side open. I twist and jab the blade along his other side, which of course makes his defence shift and leave his already bruised ribs open to another attack.

My god that crunching of bone sounded good.

But not quite as good as the girlish scream.

He cries out and is on his knees, looking up in defiance before my boot has smacked into the side of his head and rendered him dutifully unconscious. The drool doesn't even have time to roll down his chin before I have to engage with the other man, who's face is smeared in blood from his hedgehog looking cheek.

"Wench, give it up-"

"Really?" I laugh, a little breathless of course. I swap my blade from hand to hand, feeling a strong surge of adrenaline with a dash of confidence. I was fighting the fight again, I wasn't cowering before shadows, I was blazing through them. It felt good. I felt like me again. He glares and I continue, half laughing. "Save the empty threats for when you've actually managed to land a hit, even this useless bastard managed to cut my arm. What've you done?"

"Insolent bitch!" He snarls, sounding a lot less intimidating than planned in all likeliness. He lunges in rage and I duck, I shoulder him to the side and watch him flounder over his unconscious comrade who doesn't even stir as the falling man steps upon his hand. Ow.

"You with the White Cloaks?" I ask, and the man's eyes go wide as I say the name.

"You know nothing, bitch!"

"I didn't say I did, I was asking a question you daft bastard." I pant, listening to the scuffle behind me and guessing Levi was also down to his last one. I swallow hard and wipe the sweat from my upper lip. "Talk now, it'll be easier on you." I suggest, and he looks down at his friend, then back up to me.

And then he does something I didn't expect. He suddenly kneels down and slices his friend's throat open, pouring him like cheap wine across the wooden boards. Fuck. I jolt, not having expected that, and he turns to punch through the door currently hiding the Commander. Again, I hadn't really expected that, but desperation makes us do strange things.

"You finally die, Smith!" He yells, hand now inside the cupboard.

"Not bloody likely!" yells back Keza and suddenly the attacker is screaming, looking like he was trying to get his arm back out of the cupboard but no longer able to. I blink, confused about what Keza had done until I hear an indignant half-chuckle from the Commander himself.

"Where on earth were you hiding _that_ blade?!"

"Robyn!" Yells Levi suddenly and I hear rushing feet coming towards me, ah, there's the last one. I turn and punch out at about throat level, the last attacker meeting me head on and suddenly finding his windpipe thrashed closed. He gulps and stumbles back, coughing and wheezing whilst Levi throws him to the ground and immobilises Captain discards the last man's weapons, avoiding him being able to commit suicide. I turn back to the man stuck in the door. He was still whimpering as he tried to reach for another blade with his free hand. But it just slips from his sweaty fingers and he looks at me with wide eyes.

"Just kill me dammit!"

"And why the hell would I indulge you?" I snap, putting my hand behind his head and smacking it off the door so he's knocked out. He hangs limply from the door. I stand there panting for a few moments, leaning on my knees and listening to the staccato thrum of my heart. It was good to be back, but fucking hell I'm out of breath.

"We um... we good to come out now, love?" I hear Keza ask, and I can see her keen eyes glittering through the small gap that the man's arm no longer filled at it's new dangling angle. I shake my head, but can't help the smile.

"Don't just yet love, we don't know if that was them all, or just a wave." We share a nod and I turn to Levi, glad to see only a couple scrapes on his skin, but plenty of our enemies blood elsewhere. "You all right?" I ask anyway. He nods and scrapes his hair back, coming over and holding me close.

"Yeah I'm good, you?" I nod against him and he sighs. "Bastards were decent fighters. Good to know they're not underestimating us any more I guess."

"Ah, always a silver lining." I chuckle and then we jolt as we hear the table shifting again, the door still trying to be opened.

"Stay behind me in case more come in the windows." He breathes, turning round and readying himself. It takes a couple more shoves, but finally a figure stumbles through and lands with an 'oof' on the floor by one of the bodies.

"Gah!" Jean yells, scrambling to his feet and looking around in amazement. "Um... I... you all okay?" He asks, getting up and brushing off bits of glass that make soft tinkling noises as they fall. Levi breathes out and relaxes a bit, sheathing his blade for the time being.

"Yeah we're okay. You lot? Is Valarie still contained? How many injured? Are there any more of these men around the HQ?" The Captain demands, Jean suddenly saluting and standing to attention.

"We have patrols double checking sir, nothing so far. We think they're all gone or all dealt with. A couple scrapes and one or two more serious wounds, but no fatalities on our side. We have a couple dead bodies for them, but mostly they're knocked out or contained already, all are being led to the cells now, sir. Valarie remains contained." He then nods and waits for further orders.

"Well done Kirtschtein, continue as you were and ensure everything is as cleaned up as it can be. Let everyone know that the Commander is unharmed. But they were definitely here to kill him, as well as get to Valarie I would assume." He nods to Jean who promptly leaves to continue the work.

I finally breathe out, not having realised I was holding my breath anyway. I then turn and tug on the man's body who remains in the door, but it won't budge. I hear a chuckle and then the cupboard door is unlocked, slowly being shoved open to reveal Keza and the Commander, and a rather large blade having been shoved through the man's arm. That being the reason he couldn't retract said limb, and had started shrieking so much. Well at least it was for a reason.

"Evenin'." Keza gave a wave and I looked between her and the bloodied engineering.

"Really Keza..." I tut, and she flutters those lashes innocently.

"Hm?"

"We better teach you how to defend yourself properly. What a delicate flower you are." I say as I shake my head at her, a grin appearing on her face before she stands and helps Erwin move back to his bed. It needed a quick brush down to remove any errant glass, but otherwise it was fine. I, meanwhile, tug the blade out and allow the unconscious man to slump onto the floor and close the cupboard with his slackened face.

"Do we even have enough cells for all this?" Sighs Levi, hauling a couple bodies together before making for the door and shouting for a couple cadets to get a stretcher, or a wheelbarrow if it was easier. He then adds a request for cleaning supplies.

Keza washes out the cut along the back of my arm. Bastard had made more contact than I had thought, but she's soon patched me up and I can mainly move it. I only wince every so often. Levi only had scrapes thankfully, but he had always been better at defence than I had. As the last of my bandages are put in place, Levi heads to the last man left on the floor, the one whose throat was sliced open. I swallow hard.

"Bastard committed suicide?" Levi asks, hauling the body onto the bloodied sheet next to it. I shake my head and Keza tugs my new shirt's sleeve over the bandaging. Levi frowns at me. "You did this?"

"No I... the guy who ended up in the door did." I can't help looking down, a chill running along my spine as I consider the absolute certainty in that man's actions. There had been no other option to him other than silencing his comrade. Nothing else mattered. "Apparently they were afraid of interrogation."

"Or simply afraid of saying anything at all." Levi says.

"What do you mean?" I ask, watching him clinically deal with the dead.

"Maybe whatever we were considered capable of doing was nothing compared to their masters." Levi sighs, tying the sheet together and handing the knot over to a couple cadets. They lug the corpse away. I watch it go, jolting when feeling Levi's cold hand brush my cheek. "It wasn't out of fear of you." He says and I feel my own brow furrow now.

How had he known?

"I... I didn't..." I start to argue, but those fingers soon rest against my failing lips.

"Yeah you did, it was there, brewing at the back of that head." He says with a penetrating look. I was just an open book to him now wasn't I? My cheeks burn gently and he touches there again and almost smiles. "You fought well, Sanshi. Don't take away from that."

"Dammit get a room ya sweet-talker," mutters Keza as she prepares another medical bag to be taken to cadet quarters. Levi just shakes his head at her, my friend winking at him, before he looks back to me and leans in to press his lips against my forehead. Dammit, my Captain knew me better than I seemed to know myself.

That was terrifying.

* * *

It took a while, but eventually the HQ was cleaned up and the night's events were being brushed up and mopped away. As things returned to normal, or our version of it, me and Levi headed back along to where Erwin was staying. Hanji had been busy in the infirmary and of course Erwin was in no state to check on things, so we'd made the rounds to ensure the base was secure. In all honesty, the cadets had all done an amazing job, I can feel the pride rolling off Levi as we return to the Commanders side. The windows had been boarded up and everything was de-glassed. Keza hadn't left his side, both to ensure Erwin's safety and to avoid the stubborn man from trying to help in any way. When we got back he looked suitably irritated, and Keza looked suitably smug.

"Evenin' you two, how's the clean-up going?" She greeted with a small wave, Erwin muttering something under his breath that I make an effort to avoid hearing. Levi heads over and takes a seat near the bed, his hands clasping and unclasping. Clearly he had more than a social visit in mind then, I knew we'd wanted to discuss our Underground idea, but surely it could wait? I nod to Keza and head over, putting an arm round her and hugging.

"Just fine thanks, Love. How's the patient?"

"Lacking patience as usual. See? I told you they'd be able to handle it all themselves, you grumpy old man." She snorted at Erwin and he short her a look.

"As Commander, it's my duty to-"

"Recover." She snaps, all humour gone as she stares him down. A heavy sigh leaves the man and he nods, eyes glancing down at his bandaged stump of an arm, and then to his lap. I can't even begin to imagine the strain this had on Erwin as a man and as a Commander. He was used to being the dependable one, not shut in a cupboard instead. Poor bugger.

"Erwin we have to consider that this might happen again." Levi says suddenly, sitting there with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. It wasn't a despairing posture, it was more like he was trying to sleep whilst saying this, efficiency was key? The irritation that lights fresh in Erwin's eyes confuses me, but as Levi waits, I can only guess that my Captain knew how the Commander was going to react. These two knew each other too well sometimes.

"I will not hide from our enemies, Levi." Erwin says in an almost cold manner, glancing at me and Keza at the end of the bed.

"Erwin-"

"No. I will not be lowered to their state of cowardice simply because they attacked during the night. You fought them off easily, we are fine."

"The only reason we knew that was going to happen was because Robyn _happened_ to look out into the compound at the right moment. Any sooner or later and she might have missed it, we could have been caught totally unaware and then where would we be?" Says Levi, not changing position, just speaking aloud and keeping his eyes lowered. Erwin's hand bunches in the blankets.

"We are more than capable as a regiment to defend ourselves when under-"

"We would have been slaughtered." Levi states blankly, finally sitting up and back in his chair. I shudder. Erwin's mouth opens to retort, but under that relentlessly stoic gaze he just closes it again and swallows. Levi then looks to me. "Robyn would have likely been killed in the stables with that Jean kid, silenced first to avoid the alarm being raised. Valarie would be out in the world again in no time. You would have your throat cut open after being held down by those men that came in here. Countless cadets would have been murdered in their sleep, and fuck knows what they might have done to Keza."

"You can't know that." Erwin says quietly, but even I noticed the wince at it all being listed. Most notably the way those blue yes glance over to us when Levi mentions what might have happened to the woman in my arms. Keza doesn't even tremble, but I know it isn't bravery, it's almost like apathy. We both accepted that we would have violent deaths when we were still children. The idea of her being in here, alone when they came for her, Erwin likely bleeding out into those same blankets he sat in now, it made me feel sick.

"And you can't deny it." Levi says, he then stands and paces a little, boots scuffing the floor as he thinks hard. Erwin frowns and stares at his remaining hand hard. "We know these bastards, we know how relentless they are. They'll keep coming back, and we won't be able to do anything. We'll be in a constant state of unease wondering when the next lot are going to burst through our gates, or even our windows." He sighs, pausing by the boarded window and leaning on the sill, shoulders hunched.

The room is quiet now, a silence hanging heavily as me and Keza just stand there holding onto each other. It isn't that we feel like we can't speak, we know these men value our opinions, but right now it's a balancing act. We can speak, but really we shouldn't. I'm a cadet, she's basically just a civilian; this is a discussion between a Captain and Commander. This is not two friends, this is two comrades.

"What is it that you propose then, Captain?" The Commander finally speaks.

Levi shakes his head and looks at the boards in front of him, laying his head against them for a couple seconds before turning and leaning back against the sill with his arms across his chest.

"You need to leave."

"Excuse me?" scoffs Erwin. Levi nods.

"You, sir, need to leave and go into hiding whilst you recover. You can barely sit up in a bed yet, and with good reason. We need you to be at full health as soon as possible, and your recovery will only go quicker, and better, if out with this situation."

"You want me to hide... to cower..." Erwin murmurs, Levi clicks his tongue.

"Swallow your damn pride and think of the regiment? Idiot." He snaps, and then he stares down the outrage from Erwin instantly. "By hiding you allow us to continue to our job. Although... what me and Robyn had planned on doing next would likely have to wait in the mean time..."

"What was it you had planned?" asks Keza suddenly, only then do I notice her holding a hand against Erwin's leg on the bed. Her grip isn't strong, but she pats occasionally. Slowly I see the Commander calm, taking her hint apparently. When was it that she became so good at calming him? How do I learn that trick?

"Well, we've learned from Valarie that Kenny might be involved in all of this. That he might be part of the recruitment for these White-Cloaks." Levi replies, Erwin frowning and looking to Levi again. His Captain just nods. "I know, Erwin, I don't understand why he would be helping them either. But it seemed like a good idea for us to head down there and see what we could learn... now though? Now it'll have to wait. We can't just go on a hunch when all this has happened."

"What if I could give you more than a hunch?" murmured Keza with a chuckle soon following. Now we're all looking at her and she gestures to the cupboard door that had been haphazardly patched up. "The bugger who I stabbed was a regular at one of the bars I used to... look after. He was a big player in trades with the Underground. He had plenty connections to Kenny the Ripper. I reckon that's who you're talking about?"

Levi nods.

Erwin stares.

Keza continues.

"I reckon if I took a look at those cells I'd see plenty others who fit that situation. So there's your other connection with the Underground, and I'll bet if you mention Kenny the Ripper's name they'll either shit themselves or immediately clamp up. Or hey, maybe a bit of both?" She smirks, patting Erwin's leg again. Levi thinks for a moment and then shrugs.

"I suppose... but even if we do all that, we can't leave right now." Levi scrapes his hair back and yawns. Erwin rests back against his pillow and hums, his mind whirring away yet again. "What're you thinking?"

"I'm thinking that... this lead needs to be explored. And not only that, but it might be the only way to get anywhere with this White-Cloak problem. The root of the matter as it were..."

"Right... and?" Levi encourages, patience not wearing well right now.

"As you say Levi, with you and Robyn gone, probably having taken a team with you, everything would be vulnerable. Back here at HQ I'd be a sitting target. So really we need a way to stop their constant attacks."

"I don't think I'm going to like this." I say, swallowing hard when meeting the Commander's light blue eyes. He smirks.

"Well really I'm just taking a leaf out of your book, Sanshi."

"Okay, now I _know_ I'm not going to like it." I say with a shake of my head.

"Seconded." Levi mutters.

"I need to die." Erwin says and a unanimous double-take runs around the room. He looks at us each in turn and shrugs, holding up his hand to avoid either me or Keza exploding at him. Levi just looks like he wants to kill the man himself. "What I mean is, I need to _seem_ to have died. Rather like Robyn did when trying to bring you back, Levi. Only with me, instead of a toxin being used, I was thinking more along the lines of a funeral, a big thing to make our enemies think they have succeeded."

"And whilst you're... supposedly dead, where will you be?" demands Keza hotly, striding over and flicking his head. "They might have several spies in the HQ. We know this already thanks to that nutter who tried to turn Robyn into a shifter."

"I will likely be with you, oh delicate one." He says, grabbing her wrist when she goes to do it again. He smiles wickedly. "We would slip away to the mountains, probably the safest bet after all. Only us and perhaps a few choice others will know about this, everyone else in the regiment will believe I am dead."

"I literally just announced you were unharmed." Levi points out, brow raised.

"Then instead of a wound from the attack, perhaps a fever set in afterwards? My system still too weak to handle the uproar?" He looks to Levi and then chuckles. "You know it'd work, old friend."

"For once, could you not be an arrogant bastard?" Levi sighs, rubbing his temples as he considers it. I just sit at the end of the bed, wondering how badly this might hit the regiment as a whole. Morale would plummet.

"Can we tell Eren?" I murmur, and both Levi and Erwin look at me in surprise. I blush and shrug. "I feel like it would be cruel to keep him locked out of another of these schemes. He'd think we didn't trust him or something... you know he's still in a mess about what happened to his father. The kid can only take so much."

Erwin softly smiles at me, making me blush harder.

"Very well. Eren shall be informed, as will Hanji of course, she will likely be put in the Commanding role for the time being." He says and Keza frowns, looking to Levi in confusion, but the Captain is just nodding.

"Um... why not him?" She asks and the two men share a look before snorting and chuckling to themselves. I roll my eyes at them.

"No need to patronise her, yeesh. Levi isn't exactly built for that role Keza, and I'm pretty sure it's something that's been decided for a long time. It isn't wise to not have a back-up in place for the Commander of the Scouting Legion. They don't usually last very long." I explain and she nods, sneaking in a quick flick to Erwin's head without looking his way. The man stops laughing but I see how he takes her hand and squeezes. I'm sure a few weeks or so in the mountains together would be fine by both of them. Just fine indeed.

"All right then... so... we fake your death, we have a big funeral for everyone to shed false tears, and then what? We sneak you off to the mountains with your wayward nurse, and we head to the Underground?" Levi surmises and there's a general nod.

"The Brass will be distracted for a while... they don't like to admit it, but they are rather dependant on me." Erwin smirks and clasps his hands, looking only slightly smug. Perhaps more than that. "It'll allow us all some breathing room. Your team can make enquiries Levi, I can recover in hiding with Keza, and Hanji would surely keep the Brass pulling their hair out. Even if only when trying to read her weekly reports... the woman has handwriting that looks like a spider drunkenly tap-danced over a page covered in ink."

"Oh yes because your scrawls are crystal clear!" snorts Keza. Levi then licks his tongue.

"I guess it could work."

"Such faith in your Commander." muses Erwin, and the two men share a knowing look.

"Who else should we take down there with us? Any thoughts?" I pipe up at last.

"Jeager would be a good idea, I think." Erwin says and I'll admit, even I'm confused. Levi rubs his temples again, giving a half-chuckle, half-groan.

"You want me to take the Titan-shifting brat into a small and high stress situation? Literally miles underground? How... how is that a good idea?"

"If you need to get out of there, he could lift you out of one of the many sky-light pits and then you could haul him up after you. We can't rely on the MP's co-operating and letting you back out of there in a hurry. Plus, he would likely only drive everyone here at the HQ mad with his worrying over, Robyn." he adds with a shrewd look in my direction.

"Not my fault he's a basket-case!"

"Oh my dear woman, I don't think that's entirely true." He chuckles, and I feel like I'm on the outside of the joke as Keza giggles alongside. Even Levi smirks, but it doesn't touch his eyes. I pout a little and look at the floor, waiting for the laughter to die down. Eventually it does, and Keza comes over to put her arm around me. Somehow that makes me feel worse.

"Now, now, don't sulk at us Numbnuts. I know you haven't lugged the little rage machine into anything, you wouldn't lead anyone on like that. But for whatever reason, the boy is clearly besotted with your dysfunctional ass," she says and I swallow hard. I had worried about this before, of course I had, but I had also rather hoped my imagination was just getting away from me. Surely Eren knew I loved Levi? Surely he would respect that? I glance at Levi and he just stares back, expression unreadable.

"I don't understand why though..." I sigh and shrug my shoulders, them soon being squeezed by Keza again. Judging from her grin, she found the whole subject very amusing. It mainly just made me fear for Eren's sanity.

"It's all right love, he'll give up eventually... probably... in all likeliness."

"Such words of comfort." I grumble and she kisses my head before moving back round to the Commander's side. He's giving me a shrewd look. I hate it.

"Perhaps Mikasa would be a good idea as well, she tends to be good at reading situations. Kirstchein too?" The Commander suggests as he leans back with a small wince, Keza laying her hand on his brow and shaking her head.

"We can list names later, for now you're resting."

"My good woman, I can hold a conversation."

"My pain-in-the-arse patient, I say no. Pretending to be dead is a taxing matter old man, you'll need your strength." She says, tapping his brow before looking to me and Levi. "Whatever you do, just plan it all out to the letter all right? When we do this, it'll have to happen fast. The White-Cloaks might have an entirely new stage of bastardry set up to follow on from Erwin's death."

"We'll be prepared." replies Levi with a small nod. "Keep as many people out of here as you can, the fewer people see the Commander over the next day or so, the better. I'll get word out to Hanji and a couple others we'll want to take with us. Then? Then Erwin Smith dies."

Erwin nods.

Levi dips his head to his Commanding officer.

I just hope this works.

And Keza rolls her eyes.

"Yeesh, not like you enjoy the dramatics or anything, eh Grumpy?"

* * *

 **Thank you for reading, hope it was good for you!**

 **It's been a rather quiet wee while on this site, I hope things aren't slowing down in the fandom or anything. Then again perhaps things will pick up as Season 2 finally arrives. Anyway thanks for reading, please leave a fav, follow and or review as I love to hear from you guys.**

 **See you in about 3 weeks!**

 **Shoutous:**

 **7dreamersscenarios: I do indeed celebrate, so thank you very much! I always try to answer every single review I get, I like to talk to my readers, not to mention its the least I can do after people take the time to review in the first place. I'm glad you enjoyed the mentioning of Kenny, it has been planned for so long, so I'm rather excited to get to this part of the story! I'm soo very glad you liked how Robyn handled the Valarie scene, i wanted to display how much she has grown from the litte rage machine she was before. So it's a thrill to know that's come across properly. Thanks for highlighting Eren, I'm never sure how long to linger on these things or not, I don't want to make him seem weak, but at the same time... that kind of new would knock you flat! So thanks for underlining that for me, I'm always anxious about those parts. I enjoy writing Robyn's soft side because it's so rarely allowed out into plain sight, or at least I like to think it is. I have a lot of love for Keza as well, and I'm so glad I kept her in, I nearly edited her out in all honesty. Never call your reviews rambling, they always make my day! Thank you for taking the time, hope this update was worth the wait, see you next time!**

 **Grimm: Thanks for the support, I just always feel so guilty having to delay things because I know how frustrating it can be as a reader when a fic always starts and stops. I'm hoping this 3 week schedule will be one I can stick to! I will not make you wait a year, if I had to take a haitus, I would of course tell you all! Cannot leave you lovely readers hanging like that! Unfortunately with Flight From Darkness I just hit such a wall with it. So yeah. it's gonna be verging on a year, but then again I also informed people it had stalled. So... ach excuses excuses. I hope you enjoyed this update, thanks for reviewing even when there wasn't anything to review!**

 **Sebastian: I am indeed still kicking, just stumbling a little bit as well. Hope this update was worth the wait and thanks for staying in touch! See you in the 3 weeks or so.**

 **Lilly: You've been dearly missed, glad to know you're still enjoying the story and still so convinced by Levi and Robyn's relationship. Hope you enjoy the update!**


	50. Reflection

**Hello readers! I know right? 3 weeks on the dot? MADNESS! On time, may this be the start of a trend! I hope you're all well, and thanks for coming back yet again to Robyn and her wayward ways! This is a bit of a slower chapter but... that's okay right? I hope so!  
**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own AOT.**

 **Note: Maaangaaa stuuuuuuffffffff, so spoiler warning applied. I can never tell when I've actually used a blatantly manga-esq thing so I apologise if its in there. But it might be from now on so WARNING APPLIED.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

The rain fell heavy upon the procession. The sky above groaning with thunder as we trudged along the streets, heads hung and hearts heavy. It was a day no Scout wanted to witness. Erwin Smith was dead. The Scouting Legion walked dutifully in line behind the wagon bearing our dead Commander. As far as anyone but a small group of us knew that is. The wheels creaked and the horses huffed in the chilled air, their breath turning to mist as we made our way through the quiet town. Both Hanji and Levi stood atop the wagon, leading the way in this solemn charade. It was so strange. Normally we Scouts went without a funeral; there wasn't the possibility of a big ceremony for every fallen soldier. If we did that we'd have no time for anything else. But this was a Commanding officer, and of course for our plan to work, we wanted a big show of it. The White Cloaks had to feel like they had won, like they had conquered us. It stung, but we wanted them to see this ceremony and have their arrogance swell.

The official story; following a disruption at the HQ, the Commander had fallen prey to a fever that he had never recovered from. He passed away in his sleep. That story kept the public informed, but also allowed our shady enemies to read into. They'd assume the trauma of their surprise attack had been too much for the wounded man, that they had instilled fear in him. Their own men had not returned, but at least their mission was half successful. It felt wrong to allow the White-Cloaks that indulgence, but it was all for the long-term goal. We would find them. We would crush them. Then, and only then could we bring Erwin Smith back from the dead.

I walk alongside Eren, the occasional jeer from the civilians is ignored and soon hushed by the general solemness of everything. In death Erwin was finally being given some of the respect he always should have. In the end, this would be worth it. In the end, the regiment would be better off; but right now that really doesn't help. I can hear cadets weeping over their beloved Commander, a man that inspired them to dare beyond the safety of the walls. That was no small thing. As we ascend towards the church I grit my teeth and am glad of the veil, knowing that my look of anger might confuse people. Then again, considering it was me, they might just accept it.

Before we left the HQ we made sure to hide Valarie somewhere she wouldn't be found should more White-Cloaks come snooping. She wasn't technically even on the grounds any more. It was a similar place to where Jack had been held, a small set of cells separated from the main building. Only this set were underground, deep in the woodlands. No one would find her, I couldn't even be sure that we would. But as we caged her in that damp hole, she had looked so very frightened, so very alone. Even now that warms me.

Yet there is also a sting.

She was still managing to mess with me. It was only hints by this point, only small fractions of what she had been capable of before, but still I felt that edge of pain whenever near her. The mind-games were something we would figure out, and of course I'd never been alone with her since she... since she unlocked all those other memories simply to torment me. Yet as we locked that door and she spoke to me that final time, I felt something shift inside of me. Like a door being wedged open. I wasn't sure what it was, so I hadn't said anything to anyone. It might just be paranoia. But even now I feel my head pang with pain occasionally, like it was working overtime to achieve something. I blink hard and the pain ebbs again. It was likely just stress. The situation was a mess after all, and something had to give I suppose. I swallow hard and focus on the fact she was contained. She couldn't hurt us here.

We line up and take our positions, the ceremony beginning with the handing over of the mantle. Hanji Zoe is to become the next Commander of the Scouting Legion. I can already see the Brass bristling at this, all of them scowling except for Pixis. He's grinning, tucking his flask back into his coat. Levi had suggested informing the Garrison leader, and whilst it made me uneasy, I trusted my Captain's judgement. He would make the right call. Such distractions help me right now. Its hard not to think of everyone we've lost, of all those unclaimed bodies left behind beyond the walls.

Dammit.

I swallow hard as my mind heads back even further.

All those that never got a funeral.

That... that would include them wouldn't it?

I cross my arms over my chest. I can't look at my hands right now. It was daft. I know they're not bloodied, they're clean. I did it, I killed Vincent and made it right. He suffered. I smell smoke, my eyes growing warm. D-dammit not here. I hear the crackle of flames and a sob escapes me, ripping out before I can bite it back. Shitting hell, this was so not the place to suddenly be mourning my family. It was this setting, the solemn music, the rumble of eulogies filtering out over the crowd. A sense of death was everywhere and I was fucking suffocating.

Keep it together Sanshi.

This isn't even real.

Dammit, this is not your day.

An arm goes round me and Eren gently tugs me into his hold. I don't fight it, I know I can't right now, not without causing more issue. His hand squeezes my arm gently. I turn and hide my face against his shoulder, a couple more choked sobs escaping. He shushes into my ear and his hand slips round to run up and down my back, it helps. I sniff and cling to his raincoat. His head rests against mine and I feel him tremble, I look up with my tearful eyes and see that his are the same. I swallow hard and he smiles softly, nodding.

"Its okay... not everyone gets a funeral." He mutters, voice low enough not to disturb the ceremony. We were a good way away from the speakers anyway. I frown, not understanding how he had so easily latched onto my mindset. His eyes tighten. "So we... w-we can take this chance to mourn them, okay?" He breathes, and I nod sheepishly.

"Y-Yeah." I whisper in return, biting my lip. He touches his forehead to mine briefly and then tucks my hair back.

"What was your mother's name again?"

"Ch-Christine. My brother w-was called John." I whisper and he smiles softly, closing his eyes and titling his head back towards the sky for a moment. Under his breath I hear their names and I feel my eyes pour fresh tears. It was so kind of him. "You... Y-Your mother was C-Carla right?"

"Yeah. Yeah she was." He smiles sadly and I nod, straightening up and giving my respects to the woman that had brought my dear friend into this world. The woman that gave her life to save him and Mikasa, on that terrible day. Eren sniffs, and his hand now rests on my shoulder, squeezing slightly. I glance over to where Mikasa stands, her dark hair gently shifting in the breeze as she holds her head lowered. She was always so composed wasn't she? Mikasa, always stable, always strong. I can't deny I feel a swell of envy, I knew it was something my rickety head would never manage to accomplish.

Dammit, that pain again.

I blink slow and breathe deep through my nose, glancing back to Mikasa when I feel her gaze on me. Our eyes meet for a moment, but for some reason I think I saw anger in hers. I feel a chill. Grief affects everyone differently of course, but why did she look betrayed? I swallow hard and look back to the sky. It was just paranoia. Then my mind wanders again, and my hands curl into fists. After I'd left Valarie in her cell, a group had gone down to do final checks on locks and chains. Was Mikasa in that group? Had Valarie got to her? I sigh and open my eyes, staring at the grey sky. Paranoia was messing with me like nothing else. Eren's hand squeezes again, I smile at him softly and then glance to Mikasa once more. When our eyes meet that second time I see nothing, before she blinks and I see a reserved smile. Yeah, we were fine. Our group was strong.

We had to be, we were heading into the belly of the beast in a day or so. Our small group would be lingering behind; myself, Levi, Eren, Mikasa, Jean and Armin. Being so much further in was an advantage, we could head directly for the Underground without worrying about repeating the journey. But it also meant we had to be on high alert. This wasn't beyond the walls, and there were no Titans here, and yet our enemies were closer than ever.

The ceremony continues, and a solemn tune burbles up into the sky.

The tone is universal, and I don't see anyone without some kind of pain in their face. If only Erwin could see all the love and devotion being given to him here. It would fend off any lingering doubts he had.

I look out amongst the ranks and swallow hard, Hanji was giving her speech and whilst she certainly suited the bolo-tie, I know she feels awkward with it. We, the precious few, knew this was all a sham, but the majority believed. I look out at those loyal faces and wonder what they're thinking. Were they frightened for the future? Were they believing the lies they had been told?

As the ceremony goes on, I start to think back again, only now I'm a fresh cadet.

A rookie.

I look to the ground and soon enough the rain spattered cobbles are replaced with dusty dirt. I shift uncomfortably and my throat pinches. The sun blazes down, and Erwin stands upon a small podium area, speaking about all that we promised as a new generation of Scouts. Fresh blades. Keen hearts. Beating wings. Our class were not just a number to him, but a collection of willing souls he was proud to give the Scout insignia to. My hands trembled then, and they tremble now. As I hold them up I watch rain and tears merge in a small pool, where before I had held my first cape, those wings beamed back at me and gave me hope. Those wings, that man; they had taken an angry and confused young woman, and forged her into a weapon. They'd given me direction, focus, something to fight for outside of my own vendetta. Erwin Smith had given me purpose, and he had believed in me despite my flaws. In many ways he had become the father I never had. The cliché sticks in my throat a little, but as I clasp my hands together and look to the sky once more, I say a silent thank you to him.

I just hope he's safe.

* * *

 **KEZA POV**

The ceremony would've started by now I guess.

I flick the reins and the horse picks up the pace a little as we approach the incline of the path. Here it was dry at least, and I'm fairly sure I can see the promise of blue sky a little further on. The rain had already passed through, looking heavy back there in the city, where they were morning the man himself. I glance back in the wagon and grin at him, a small dip of his head being given in return. It had taken a good hour long argument, but the stubborn ass had finally conceded to letting me drive whilst he rested in the back. Now he was quiet though, and even taking the time to enjoy some reading. I'd make a human out of the bugger yet.

We ride in a comfortable silence for a good hour or so. By then the clouds have begun to thin out and I can tug my hood back down. I roll my neck a bit and focus on the track, but really we're so deep into the mountain trail I can only see so far. Surrounded by forest and gradually going up a hill, it really wasn't all that exciting. I bite back a chuckle as I consider what my younger self might have thought of this situation. It was the wrong way round right? The handsome blonde prince was meant to ride ahead with his fair maiden resting behind. Oh well Erwin, guess you're my maiden for the time being.

"We should probably stop for some food," he says, and I hear his book close. I look up, but the canopy does little to let me know the time of day. C'mon nature, give a city girl a break would ya? I shake my head and gesture aimlessly back at him, keeping my eyes on the damp road ahead.

"There's supplies in that basket with the blue cloth over it. Help yourself, m'kay?" I then yawn and blink a couple times, we had gotten up at the ass-crack of the day and started off immediately. Whilst the HQ was bustling around with preparations for this one's funeral, we sneaked out the back. It was hardly my first sneaking-out scenario, but it was definitely the first one with an escort. We had an accompanying patrol for the first few miles, but when it was clear we weren't being followed, we were soon enough left on our own. And now it was my job. Commander Erwin Smith was my responsibility; and with it the future of the Scouting Nutters. Fucking hell, they knew I was nothing but a common whor... lady of the night, right? I swallow hard and hold the leather rein tighter. I just hope I don't fuck it up. I look at my wrist and smile at the ribbon there, the red gently shines in the otherwise dim light. Nah, I wouldn't let her down. Not this time.

"I wasn't just meaning for myself, Keza."

"I know very well what you meant, Mister." I chuckle.

"Come, you should rest a bit," he says and I sigh, knowing that tone well enough by now. No arguments. Not even from me. How come he was allowed to pull rank when I wasn't even a soldier?!

I wait till the ground has levelled out a bit, and then I pull us to the side. The horse was first of course, the wee plum was doing well for us. I get her some water and some feed, patting her down and taking off the straps etc. to ensure she was resting properly. She gives a happy little snorty noise and I chuckle, she was a dear. Animals had never really warmed to me, it was always Numbnut's area, but this gal seemed a kindred spirit. I then head back to where I'd helped the invalid sit down. Right where I left him.

"There we go, happy wee chap she is." I sit down next to him and take a sip of water, looking out at the small view we had managed to acquire. It wasn't a big break in the thick trees, but it was enough to show just how far up we had climbed. I am now even more thankful for that horse, I know my fat-ass would have seriously struggled.

"How're you fairing? You're doing a marvellous job." He nudges me and raises that brow like always. Dammit don't you turn on the fucking charm now, I ain't letting you drive. I smile and nod, taking a bite out of the bread and then a nibble on the cheese. Not exactly fine dining, but it was wholesome, and frankly that was what I needed these days.

"I'm doin' just fine thanks, Handsome. How's the arm feeling, or rather the lack of." I add with a wink and he chuckles, shaking his head and taking another sip of water. It was a comfort to know he was taking some humour in it all now. The wound was a sign of what he had overcome, not a weakness. When he had first come round after being brought in, he had looked so very ashamed. This man didn't suit such a look.

"It's all right, I think the drier air is doing some good."His hand goes to it and kneads slightly. "The damp seems to make it ache... dammit I sound old."

"Honey, in this life, you're a fuckin' ancient." I laugh and he smirks, nodding and playing with a piece of bread. His eyes glance back along the road we've come and I lean against him slightly. Immediately his head snaps back round to me, eyes intent and obviously concerned. Apart from Numbnuts, not many people had ever really looked at me that way. My inexperience of it is likely evident in the damn blush that takes to my cheeks.

"Apologies Keza, did you say something?"

"No, I was just wondering what was going on in that big blonde bonce." I tap his temple and he shrugs his shoulders. I notice him leaning into me too though. He was a subtle man, but also thankfully still readable. I wasn't used to men that thought with the head up top, rather than the one in their briefs, but I was getting there slowly.

"I'm just worried about them."

"You're their Commander, not their father y'know." I hum at him and that smirk stays in place.

"Yes indeed... but I can't help it. Technically I'm not even Commander any more of course, and yet I know they're working in my name." He sighs and hangs that head, shoulders hunched and very much human. "I just hope this works out, and we can finally make progress in dealing with these damned White-Cloaks."

"If anyone's gonna make that happen, it's Scowler and Numbnuts." I encourage.

"Why do you do that?" He asks, looking my way from under the hair that had fallen forward. I swallow my mouthful and frown at him, what's he on about? I don't consider myself very thick, but sometimes his mind was too quick for me. He sees my confusion and brings his head back up slightly, tilting it afterwards and smiling oddly. "Why do you do the nickname thing?"

"Oh right, I um..." I find it's my turn to shrug now, and I look down at the dirt.

"Sorry, if it's too personal please just-"

"C'mon Erwin, I don't think that can apply between us any more." I snort at him and he smirks again, that being his default smile. I had only seen a real one a couple times. "I do the nickname thing because... well... I guess it's because it's easier to think of people like that. If... if they go away then they're a character, a nickname a..."

"Something less painful to let go of?" He suggests and I nod, a lump in my throat now. He shifts in his seat and suddenly my slack hand is held in his remaining one, gently being kissed. Suave git. "My dear woman, that is more than understandable."

"Sounds a bit melodramatic coming from a civilian though, right?" I say, trying to take my hand back but finding his grip too solid. Invalid still had some strength.

"This world is cruel to us all, be we dressed in uniform or not."

"Are you ever not a fucking Poet?" I sigh, and his hold on my hand tightens again.

"Keza... don't downplay your own pain. We all have our demons, yours are no less important than my own." He lessens his grip before giving a tender squeeze. I look up, knowing that was what he wanted. Damn those eyes. Like the sky but deeper, was that what that Ocean thing was meant to look like? "You don't have to downplay things for me, I don't want that. Please, consider me as much a civilian as yourself right now?" He gives a softer smile this time, halfway to real.

"Yeah... I'll try." I run my thumb along the back of his hand and lean in to kiss his cheek, finding a blush left there when I recede. "We should keep moving, I'm hardly a woman of the natural world, but I'm pretty sure my night vision's shit."

"Indeed," he chuckles, popping the last bit of bread in his mouth and winking. He gets up and returns to the wagon, my orders for him to do so dying in my throat. His head pops up from the wagon. "You're getting predictable." He snorts and then sits back down before I can find a pebble to throw at him. Cheeky bugger.

We continue on our way, and thankfully the path stays relatively even from now on. Hopefully that made this go a little quicker as once we're free of the trees I can see the sun is certainly further towards it bed than I had realised. Balls. I flick the reins again and the horse gives a snort of agreement, picking up the pace. Great minds think alike it seemed.

"Don't worry, Keza, we're a half hour away at most. We'll make it." He calls from the back, and whilst my first instinct is to refute the fact I'd been nervous, I just nod and keep looking ahead.

Like clockwork, about half an hour goes by and there it is. Well, apparently. The only reason I see it is because he's sat up and pointed over my shoulder. A small pale patch is visible, but apparently, he later clarifies, it's just a marker. The cabin isn't visible from the road. At first I'm irritated, but then I just feel that much safer. We really would be hidden away.

We were safely up here, hidden in the mountains to recover and rejuvenate. The others were going underground to dig up secrets. I touch the ribbon on my wrist and glance towards the horizon.

Be safe Robyn.

Please?

* * *

 **ROBYN POV**

We get back to the inner-city HQ and go to our rooms. No one is feeling particularly chatty. Most of the regiment had returned to the real HQ of course, heading out of the city in a big procession and ending the solemn event. Hanji led them home with her head held high. But we remained. It was a small troop but a good one. We all knew the deal and yet we were all apprehensive, I suppose it was good to be on edge, it kept us alert. But it was also plain exhausting. When asked why we weren't returning with the others, we'd clarified that we would be cleaning out any of Erwin's personal effects left in the HQ, and then dealing with delicate matters. We already had our papers to head into the Underground, so it wasn't like the MP's didn't know where we were headed. I guess it was meant to be a test? I sigh and know there was no point in trying to think laterally tonight. I was too tired, too drained.

I take off my formal wear and undo my hair, it still damp from the cold rain. I stand there naked for a moment, only lit by the lantern as I'd drawn the curtains, and I study my many scars. I really was an atlas by this point. I rub the back of my neck and loosen the ribbon on my wrist. Having Keza there in spirit had certainly helped, I hoped her and the Commander had made it to the cabin all right. I shake my head at myself, there was no way they wouldn't have. I grab the towel from my cupboard and wrap it around myself. A hot shower might just set me to rights. In the smaller HQ the showers were that much better anyway, and with only six of us here we had plenty hot water to go around. Some indulgence was okay, right? I head along and enter the small communal bathroom, four showers being there in total. I get inside and then wriggle out of my towel once the curtain is pulled to, I drape my towel over the top and get the water going. The ice makes my teeth set on edge at first, but I sigh as it slowly climbs up and becomes pleasantly warm. The chill of the day melts off me and circles the drain by my wriggling toes.

It was a strange feeling; closure and nostalgia warped together. I hadn't thought about my Mother and John for a long time. Right now I don't know whether to feel gratitude about that, or guilt. I missed them still, of course, I always would. But a part of me had healed towards that pain, and I can only hope that was a good thing. So much had happened since I'd managed to avenge them, so much to distract. An entire lifetime of events. A smile prickles at my lips and I stare at my clean hands, my mother would be happy. I know she never wanted me to linger over the pain dished out by Vincent, she always pleaded with me to forget it. To push past and forge forward. I hoped that was what this sense of closure counted as.

Or was I just a callous witch?

I grumble into my arm as I rest it against the wall.

I wasn't good at this aftermath stuff.

"That you, Robyn?" calls Mikasa into the room and I smile as I start lathering up my hair.

"Yeah, it is. Plenty hot water if you're wanting a shower."

"Oh yeah... good plan. Be right back." She then vanishes away.

I rinse and wonder what she wants to talk about, clearly she had been looking for me, not coming for a shower. So what was going on? It can't have been anything major, or else she'd have simply demanded my presence. So no immediate danger was present. My mind flicks back to the possibly angry look I saw at the ceremony, but I just brush it aside. That had been nothing but my own imagination, caught up in the ceremony and meandering to dark places. I hadn't even had a headache since then. I scrub up and then sit down, the curtain reaching right to the floor and allowing full privacy thankfully. I play with the soap between my hands and chuckle as nostalgia once again wanders into my head. It was a day of reflection it seemed.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt." Mikasa says as she comes back in, seeming to take up the cubicle next to me, judging from the sound of a curtain being pulled.

"Not at all, glad of the company. How you feeling after today?"

"Mm..."

"Bit of a weird one right?" I murmur, enjoying the water thundering against my aching back. Her shower groans into life and I hear her give a contented sigh just as I had.

"Yes, very weird. I found myself actually crying at one point and I still don't really know why... contextual mourning I guess." She mutters and then I wait, there was clearly something on her mind, so I'd let her sort it out. "Robyn I was wondering something..."

"I guessed you might be."

"Oh? Sorry was I... was I being weird or-" I interrupt her with a gentle laugh.

"No love, I just meant you were clearly looking for me. Go ahead and ask." I murmur and again there's a bit of a pause. I sigh and turn up the heat in my shower. "Mikasa you're making me anxious here." I chuckle and then I hear her take a deep breath. A noise half escapes her mouth before she clears her throat and I sense a change in direction.

"Are you scared for going to the Underground?"

I blink, the water runs down from my brows to make a kind of waterfall cascade past my vision. I hadn't expected that question. I mean, I don't really know what I had expected, but it hadn't been that.

"I um... well I mean... hadn't really thought about it."

"Yeah... fair enough." She sighs, sounding disappointed. I bite my lip.

"Why? Are... are you?" I glance to the divider and wonder where her head is at right now. What had led her to this kind of curiosity? I hear her scrubbing get a little faster before she responds. Something had gotten under her skin.

"A little I suppose." She says and I can't help the smile that falls onto my lips. Was Mikasa freaking about feeling human? She faced Titans with barely a tremour, but perhaps she suffered from claustrophobia? As fears went, it made sense when wanting to be free beyond the walls. The idea of confinement was hardly one of my favourites.

"Y'know Mikasa it's okay to be frightened. Is it small spaces in general or-"

"I just wondered if you were worried about being back where Captain Levi came from." She blurts out.

I am very glad I don't have to maintain a poker-face right now. I am full on bamboozled by this. Where the hell had this come from? A couple seconds of quiet slip by, the hiss of the showers only occasionally interrupted by a glug from a drain. I play with the soap between my fingers.

"Why... Mikasa, why would that matter to me?"

"You didn't know him then right? You don't really know what he was like... it might change him being back there. Back where he escaped from all those years ago." She says, voice dipping slightly at the end.

Despite the fact she was trying to explain, I just found myself further confused. Why did Mikasa suddenly care about my relationship with Levi? Something else is smouldering beneath this, I can just feel it sitting there, waiting to be found. For some reason I feel like it's grinning.

"I guess..." I murmur, hoping she might continue.

"I just don't want you to have a nasty awakening or something."

"Mikasa... I'm sure this is well-intentioned but... it's not like I've only ever seen one side of Levi before. The man tried to kill me a couple times, remember?" I chuckle, trying to alleviate the suddenly tense air. It was too close, a ghost of my headache threatens. I turn the temperature back down. "If he gets a bit rough round the edges because he's back in his home-town... I'm hardly going to look at him like a stranger." I shake my head and stand up. I need to leave. Something in the back of my mind is telling me that I wasn't going to like wherever she was leading with all this. I hear her sigh heavily.

"You can't know that for sure."

"Seriously Mikasa, why do you even care?" I ask, my tone a little harsher than intended and I pinch the bridge of my nose as I turn off the water. I need to stay calm, this was probably nothing more than a friend's concern. It was Mikasa, what could she possibly do to hurt me? Damn you Valarie, you're turning the world into vipers. I hear that scrubbing quicken yet again though. I shiver.

"I just don't want you getting hurt... and then for you to... ugh, never mind." Mikasa sounds angry now. Time was running out.

I roughly dry my hair and body, wrapping my towel in place before leaving my cubicle. My breaths come quicker now, like I'm already tired from running around this conversation. I head for the door, I don't really want to be in here right now. It was just like in the wagon after those men had tried to save Valarie, Mikasa was heading towards saying something that would hit me harder than she knew. I felt it in my bones. I feel like she's about to say something I won't be able to forgive.

" _As clueless as ever,_ " she mutters.

Oh shit.

My hand trembles mid-air, reached towards the handle.

My head aches.

"Clueless?" I repeat, voice heavy in the steamed air.

The water of her shower turns off, handle squeaking. I then hear her gather her towel and tug back her curtain. I don't turn though. I value Mikasa's friendship, but right now, with the emotional situation we were all in, I felt like I was standing on top of a powder-keg.

"Well you heard me, didn't you?" She says, uncharacteristically sassy about it. Slowly I lick my teeth, counting to ten and absent-mindedly wondering if Keza had dressed up as Mikasa to play a prank.

"Mikasa, you seriously need to explain what the fuck this is all about."

"Like you don't know?" She huffs and my muscles slowly tense all over.

"I'm tired and frankly don't have the fucking patience to try and figure it out. Speak plainly dammit." I plead in the end, hand clasping the door-handle now. The cold is pleasant in contrast, but really I'm just using it to stay still. I hear her walk across to the small sink and mirror.

"You know how much he loves you." Mikasa says, almost sounding bored.

"Of course I do, he's proven that much to me countless times..."

"Then why not acknowledge it?" she demands, a slight growl to her voice.

"Why do you care how much I know that Levi loves me?" I glance over my shoulder, hoping this might be all some weird misunderstanding. I see her outrage and feel coldness pool in my gut. Oh no, it _was_ a misunderstanding, but not the kind that might defuse the situation. I blink. I had assumed the wrong 'he'. I groan. "Oh _come on_ not this shit again."

"Don't call it that! You know it's true!" She yells, voice cracking. I grip the handle tighter whilst I grit my teeth. "I just don't want you getting upset down there and then turning to Eren again, using him simply because Levi's out of reach."

I stare at the door and swallow hard.

I'd never done that!

Had.. h-had I?

"When have I done that exactly?" I demand, meaning to sound angry, but now just sounding confused. I was. I was fucking swimming in it. I hear her click her tongue, the sound seeming to create a fresh stab of pain behind my eye.

"How about today? At the funeral. You stood there sobbing onto his shoulder, it wasn't even a real funeral. The Captain was on the podium so who do you turn to? Eren!"

"He's my friend!" I shout, turning to her and staring in disbelief as I see such a cold look returned. What was happening here? We were meant to be a team. Something had changed though. Something had changed since that last mission, hadn't it? This had been coming a mile off and I'd been too damned stupid to see it. Or distracted maybe? It didn't matter I suppose. I take a deep breath and purse my lips, I had to keep a hold of this. "Are you seriously suggesting I can't turn to Eren as a friend any more?"

"You're using him." She states, and I flinch.

"You really think of me as that callous? I was upset today for the same reason he was. We both got thinking too hard, we both ended up thinking about our families, about all those that didn't get a damned funeral. You have plenty to mourn yourself Mikasa!"

"And I bore it alone." She says, teeth ground together. I frown and shake my head.

"Are we all supposed to do that?"

"You _never_ do that." She snaps, eyes shining. "Never! It's always help Robyn, do this for Robyn, run to save Robyn... are the rest of us nothing but your support group?!" She sniffs and I feel my heart dragged back to that small cell. Was this what Valarie had done? Had she planted some kind of seed of doubt? Or was this simply the truth finally coming out? I was nothing but a burden. I wince as my head flares again, pulsing. Judgement, resentment, disdain; it all rolls off Mikasa and slams against me with every panted breath.

"I don't ever expect that, you know this, Mikasa. Where has all this... this anger come from? I... I don't understand." I scrape my hair back and she sniffs again, jaw clenched and hands in fists. "I never meant you to feel used, gods no, I'm sorry."

"So why do you just keep doing it? Keep leaning on everyone else?" She chokes it out and I lean back, seeing no reason in her eyes now. Shit. She'd gone even further than I had.

"I didn't know I was. I... maybe I got used to feeling like I could." I shrug, doubt dragging it's nails along my nerves. I stare at the floor. I'd gone from a kid on her own, to having a family again that I could depend on. Was it wrong to think that way? Guilt sinks into me.

"Well maybe you should learn not to, it isn't fair. I bear it all alone, Robyn. I always have and I always will. It's the only way to fight." She says bitterly and I look up, a little disgusted to see pride there. This was beyond surreal. My temper flares again.

"Congratulations... am I meant to give you a medal?" I end up half-laughing, this whole thing madness to me. Her eyes get angrier.

"You only use Eren when you're in need. You know that, deep down."

"Bullshit. I help him whenever I can, I value him at all times. I also don't view him as my property." I spit it out before I can even think about it, but right now I don't regret it. She winced. Anger bubbles between us.

"I care about him," she growls, "I don't own him."

"Then why is it you're talking about him like he's your dog that pissed on the wrong fence?" I ask tiredly, shaking my head and feeling my shoulders sag. She snorts and wrinkles her nose. This bitter side to Mikasa was ugly, there was no other way to describe it. I feel the Sanshi mist building inside me. Please stop pushing, Mikasa.

"You're one to talk, you rule his entire head!"

Shit.

That's done it.

"How?!" I demand, throwing my hands up. "What does that even mean? Have I ever kissed him? Lead him on with flirting? Not that I'm _fucking_ aware of!"

She struggles to respond.

I want to stop, to cease this stupid argument, but my head's not listening to my heart. The flames had begun to creep up my throat. I jab a finger at her.

"Like it or not Mikasa, I have always been close with Eren, but that doesn't mean I'm playing with him! Do you really think me that cruel? Am I that much of a slut to you?"

"I... n-no, but you can't deny-"

"I don't _know_ Eren's feelings for me, I can't read him like a book unfortunately. Trust me, I wish I could sometimes. And you know what? He's never said a damned thing about loving me, or seeing me as anything other than a friend... so how the _fuck_ do you deduce that this is my doing? That this situation has me to blame? If there even _is_ a damned situation!"

"But there so obviously is!" She cries desperately. But that's just it. All she looks right now, is desperate. I give an exasperated laugh, shaking my head. Flames turn to sparks and they sizzle along my tongue.

"How is it obvious? Has he said it to you? Has he said it to me? If you're a mind-reader Mikasa then great, superb, add it to the rota of bloody weird abilities we all have. But my _god_ am I sick of this trend." I groan, hands tangled in my hair, breaths panting out of me. "You wanted me to help him get back to himself after he found out about Grisha, so what did I do? I helped him as much as I could. I dunno if I did it correctly, or well enough, but I fucking tried. Now? Now, you're telling me to leave him alone entirely? And why? Because of some imagined love-triangle you have going on in your head. Maybe the solution is much simpler, Mikasa. Maybe you just need to grow a pair and fucking tell him how you feel!" I yell, head suddenly swimming with the heat. I groan and move my hands to over my eyes. But a fuzziness settles over my mind and I have to get out of here.

"This... Th-this isn't about me." Mikasa retorts, but I just lean back against the bathroom door, blinking slow as I try to focus. But she's everywhere, three or four of her in view. The fuck was happening to my head? This day was getting weirder.

"Yes... yes it is." I swallow, feeling my knees shake.

Thankfully quiet takes back the room and she stares at me. I don't know what she sees, but something wakes her up. Mikasa shakes her head and smooths her damp hair back, a blush appearing on her cheeks.

"Robyn I... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to say all that I just... I only meant to ask..." She puts a hand over her mouth and looks at me with wide eyes. "I only meant to ask what you'd been talking to Eren about at th-the Funeral I... sh-shit... I don't know where all that came from." She has tears spilling over her cheeks. The mist ebbs. I breathe in the hot air, but my chest aches, feeling like there isn't enough air anywhere.

"It's... it's okay Mikasa... clearly it needed saying."

"No, but I was so horrible. Robyn please..." Mikasa's hand trembles as it hovers over her lips. I can see it there, the confusion, the dilemma. In all likeliness she had meant every word, but it had never supposed to be spoken. I swallow again, feeling nauseous.

"Valarie. She spoke to you right?" I ask and Mikasa frowns, slowly nodding and making a smile pull on my lips. "Yeah... she does that. Slips an idea in there and lets it grow." I tap on my temple and sigh, hauling myself away from the door and turning to open it.

"Robyn wait! You don't look so good."

"Gotta learn to bear it alone, right?" I snicker and glance back, seeing her concern and winking. I was only joking. Mainly.

I walk out, the cold air of the hallway pleasant against my boiling skin. But I jolt as I notice a figure to the side. I watch them pass by but can't be sure who it is, the light's so dim and I feel so very fucking tired now. Probably just Armin or something. I walk along slowly, hand to the wall as I make my way towards my room. It hadn't been said, but I'm fairly sure Levi expected me to come to his room, pity I don't think I'll make it that far. I'm wondering if I'll make it to my own room at this rate.

"Whoa, Robyn you okay?" I hear a voice behind me and I jolt again, apparently I was feeling jumpy tonight. I glance back and nod to Jean, his eyes scan me slowly. "You got into the wine again or something?"

"Nah, just totally spent."

"Uhuh... you sure?" he asks, eyes continuously checking me over. As if searching for a wound. I lick my suddenly dry lips.

"Could you um... could you go tell the Captain I can't bring those reports over tonight?" I say, knowing full well the code wasn't needed but glad to see Jean just nod and accept it.

"Sure thing, I'll... I'll let him know. You go rest up, yeah?"

"Thanks, Jean." I turn and head away. His gaze is lingering, and I manage to walk a little steadier until I hear him turn and make for Levi's room. Only then do I use the wall for support once more.

I get to my room and stagger over to the bed. I sit down on the edge and groan, head in my hands as I breathe deep. Fucking Valarie was several feet underground in chains, miles and miles away from me, and yet I was still being fucked over by her. I grit my teeth and try to shake it off. Opening my window, I'm glad to have some cool air washing in over me, as well as to hear only minimal noise from the town beyond. I clamber into bed and give a long sigh. The covers feel like silk, and I discard my towel onto the floor. My Captain wouldn't be happy with the mess, but I gladly sink into sleep, not even bothered that I probably didn't lock the door.

Paranoia was a fickle thing.

* * *

 **Well there we go... shit going down! Hope you enjoyed and I'll see you in 3-4 weeks.**

 **Thanks for reading, please leave a favourite, follow and or review, I genuinely love to hear from my readers and always endeavour to reply to reviews that are posted! Well... sorry, unless it's a 'please update' because... let's be real here, that isn't really a review. Anyway..!**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Sebastian: Old faithful, I am sooo very glad to know you are still here and still enjoying. I'm on time this time around! Are you proud? I know I am :P I am also very, very excited to see Season 2. I'm interested to see how they adapt the manga, which I'm fully up to date with. And I am also keen to know how far through the manga they'll go. I reckon I know but... argh I just want to watch it! I hope this update was pleasing for you! Thanks for checking in and reviewing, always a joy to hear from you! Speak soon!**

 **ChrissyKinz6: Welcome to the party, it's intense and I'm evil. Or so I'm told... rather too frequently to be good, I think. Haha! I'm so glad to have captured your imagination, sounds like you're quite particular about you read, so I'm truly honoured. I'm glad you think I have a balance, although I'm sure in some of the chapters its gone a liiittle on the heavy side. My bad? You saying that it felt like a real continuation was such a thrill, seriously, thank you so much, that meant a lot to me. 5 days, you blitzed it! Congrats! To know that my work is addictive is so great, thank you for saying that. Also... I can't believe it... I said hands plural... NOO, i was so careful. What a tit, eh? Ach well, simple mistakes and all that. I shall edit it eventually I'm sure. Thanks though! Thank you so much for reviewing, and for taking the time to do it twice! I hope this update was up to par for you, and I hope to see you again in a couple weeks! Thanks!**

 **Grimm: Ah Grimm :D hello! I wouldn't go as far as that, Erwin is merely... taking a page from Robyn's book, and no where near as emotionally either. Think of the carnage Keza would have done if they pretended he was dead and kept her out the loop?! Oh my... that would have been messy! No the assassins wouldn't likely have had that much practise, but also you have to keep in mind all the scouts would have DAMNED good reflexes, not to mention the assassins always underestimate people. And they thought no one knew they were there :P I'm glad you cottoned onto that, who scares them more? Well wouldn't you like to know... muhahahaha. I hadn't considered Pixis, but be assured that is now in the melting pot, thank you for the suggestion! Oh you're so very sweet, but don't apologise, thank you so much for taking the time to read, let alone review! I love to hear from you, but I understand that life gets busy - it's why I keep being delayed in updating remember. Buuut I was on time this month! Yay! Anyway, thanks again, speak soon, and I hope this update was good for you!**


	51. Announcement!

**Hello! Don't worry, this isn't an excuse thing this time! Everything is on track to being updated on time. Flight From Darkness on the 7th, Chained Wings on the 14th and Red Burning Wings... *does the maths* on the 19th. All on course for now, so don't worry, this is a happy announcement! I think... I hope?**

 **ANYWAY...**

 **I have recently (in the past couple days in fact) started up an instagram account under the same username as on here and Deviant Art etc. so if you feel like checking it out/getting in touch blah blah blah, go ahead and look me up! Frantastic1993 uploading now! Just trying to get more involved with the online writing community to be honest, and thought I'd let you, my lovely readers, know!**

 **Which leads me onto my other news... argh I'm so nervous about announcing this properly. I mentioned AAAGES ago that I had started another personal project, and now it's starting to actually get somewhere. Basically it's a conversion of my Red Burning Wings fic into entirely my own work. I hadn't really thought of doing this in the beginning, but a while back when I hit 250,000 words (ridiculous) I decided I should really try to use those words for something more than this. Not that I don't still love doing fanfiction of course, and I will continue to upload and all that as normal! But I didn't want all that content, which is my own, to simply remain in this domain. Make sense?**

 **It's a lengthy process as I'm changing from 1st to 3rd person, entirely changing all AOT characters into my own ones, changing the basic set-up and setting, the gears all changed of course, and a whole bunch else. My masochism knows no bounds. The two things remaining fundamentally the same are the skeleton of the plot (and I mean skeleton, things are changing all over the shop, but for story reasons rather than legal - for the most part the plot is entirely my own anyway), as well as Robyn Sanshi herself. As of course, she is my own character entirely. So essentially I am turning Red Burning Wings into a piece of writing 'inspired' by Isayama's awesome work, rather than based within it. The title is going to be changed as well, but bugger knows to what!**

 **It's really scary making this public knowledge, but really I wanted you guys involved, my awesome readers who have supported me across the board. At some point I might also branch out into a blog or something as well, but for now, this will do or else my head might explode.**

 **Okay so there it is, my big announcement. Let me know your thoughts, and I hope to see some of you on instagram!**

 **Frantastic1993 out!**


	52. Memories

**HI there everyone! An update on time... AGAIN, holy shit someone call it a trend already! Haha, hope you're all doing well, so far my new schedule is working out ^-^ so yay for productivity, and yay for you guys getting a more consistent service from me. Sorry about the past failings, I can't guarantee they won't crop up again, but still. Anyway! You're all so quiet on the last update, I hope that wasn't because you didn't enjoy it, because this is quite a slow paced one... well... kind of... maybe not actually. I'll level with you, I totally got carried away this time around, this chapter is like over 9000 words so... get yourselves comfy?**

 **Anyway! On with the show.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own AOT.**

 **Note: Kinda manga... kinda... a character from the manga anyway is cropping up... I dunno if thats spoilers or not... argh, applied anyway.**

 **Note: WARNING: M RATING VERY MUCH APPLICABLE, gruesome content with emotionally intense content as well. You've been warned. This is a harsh chapter, but its not for the whole time so don't be scared!**

* * *

 **3RD POV**

The girl ran along the cobbles, breath quick and shallow as her cheeks flushed red. Almost home, almost there. She always ran home after school. There was never a moment to lose. In that precious time between school and her father returning home there was too much to do; beautiful solace was to be found. Not that she fully understood that at the time of course, being eight years old left little room for reflection. All she knew was that her mother smiled in that time of the day. The sun shone that bit brighter, the rain fell with a little more playfulness, the wind whistled that bit happier. They washed the dishes, they did the laundry, it didn't matter what they did together, they smiled. It was her birthday, the big eight years milestone, and Robyn Sanshi knew three things for certain: her mother would have baked a cake, Robyn would get to ice it with sugar drizzle, and her father would be home late. Silver-linings were important, that was what her mother always said. Her little brother John would likely be in bed before her father came home as well, so Robyn could also hope that she didn't have to worry about him for once. She rounded the corner, pounding along before tripping and stumbling. Ever the graceful girl; that was what her mother would have laughed if she had seen it. Robyn grumbled and gathered her fallen books before carrying on, red hair in a plait as it bounced off her backpack.

It had been a good birthday so far. She'd seen her school-friends, and been able to sneak out the house before her father hauled himself out of the basement. All she had to do was get through the evening, then she could go to school again tomorrow. That was what her mother always said, "don't worry, as long as you take it one day at a time, Daddy will get better. He promised."

Although Robyn never believed the second part.

Her father wasn't good at promises.

He promised to stop hurting her mother whenever she disagreed with him, but the bruises kept appearing. Robyn had been taught not to lash out at people, to count to ten before doing or saying anything when mad. Her father never did that. He kept on lashing out, he kept on hitting. It confused Robyn, but she was willing to do as her mother said, it made her mother smile after all. Her father had also promised to stop giving Robyn medicine soon, to stop the weird games he played with those charts and strange words. They made Robyn's head feel funny. Out the corner of her eye she would see shadows loom, they'd wobble like sheets full of the breeze, and then shrink like flowers in snow. They scared her. She didn't like it, but she got a smack to the face every time she said so. Apparently it was part of being in the family, part of being a 'good girl'. He didn't even stop when he made her nose bleed that time.

Did he like hurting her?

Robyn dropped her books again and she gave a small grunt of frustration. It was a butter-fingers day. She couldn't do anything right. On her knees once more, she gathered the books, and wiped off any mud. A horse clattered into the lane, and Robyn carefully put her books back in her little linen bag, safe and snug. The horse paused next to her, its head lowered and snuffling by her ear. Robyn squealed and jumped back, panting and staring as it blinked at her. She laughed at herself and then looked up, swallowing when seeing a shadowed face beneath a broad-brimmed hat. Who was that? A cigar burned dully, ash falling down and hitting her arm. A smile appeared in the glow of the embers. She whimpered and brushed the hot dust away, shuffling closer to the side of the road, against the wall of a house. The cold chuckling was like her father's, only rougher. Robyn sniffed and looked up, clutching her books close she hoped the man moved on.

"Fuckin' mongrel. Watch it would ya? Gettin' in the way as usual I see," he then clicked his heel against the horse and it moved on. More ash flew on the wind, it tickled Robyn's nose. She stared after them and frowned, he was approaching her house. He'd ride right past, wouldn't he? Today was her birthday, she was meant to have this time with her mother. But no. The man stopped. Who was he? Robyn double-checked, in case she had gotten lost again, but it was definitely the right house. Little blue door. Her home. Who was that man on the horse, and why was he visiting her mother?

Robyn watched him go inside as she finally got to her feet. She clutched the bag of books to her chest and slowly walked up the rest of the lane, glancing back in case her father suddenly appeared too. Something in her belly told her it was bad. It very rarely turned out good when people visited. Robyn could hear voices in the kitchen, so she went round the back and sneaked inside. The door barely creaked, and the voices continued to warble. Apparently she hadn't been noticed. She set her things in her room and then checked on John like always. Her little brother was having his nap, pale hair in disarray and thumb stuck firmly between pouting pink lips. She grinned and closed the door again, before quickly changing out of her school-clothes. Then, whilst holding her breath, she crept towards the kitchen door.

"Look Kenny, could you come back another day? I've no time for this, nor will Vince. We're celebrating her birthday today, for goodness sake, can't this wait?" Robyn's mother sounded impatient, and Robyn could tell she'd be wringing her hands in her apron. A click of the tongue sounded. Robyn leaned closer.

"I don't give a shit if it's the brat's birthday, doesn't matter when she fuckin' dropped outta you, does it? She ain't your property."

"She isn't yours either, dammit!" Robyn's mother suddenly yelled, and Robyn flinched. It was a rare thing to hear, it made her shiver and hold onto the door frame. Something was very wrong indeed.

"I didn't say she were mine, but you know who's got claim to her, so don't take this shit out on me, lady. Your husband needs to hurry this shit-show up."

"He said she wouldn't be taken till she was at least 13," her mother sighed, sounding so very tired. Robyn didn't understand what they were saying. Taken? Who was taking her anywhere? She _was_ home. Robyn nibbled her bottom lip.

"Then he fuckin' lied to you, I ain't gonna try and say what the bonkers bugger is up to. But he needs to- oh, Vincey, good to see ya." The man's voice suddenly lifted to a jovial tone. Robyn felt very cold. Vincey? Was her father home already? The clock hadn't even hit four yet! Tears welled in her golden eyes, she was meant to have some time with just her mother today. Especially today, right? It wasn't fair.

"The hell are you doing here, Ackerman?" Vincent snarled, the door slammed shut and someone shuffled back. Robyn reckoned it would be her mother, the shadowed man didn't look like the type to shuffle. What was his name? Benny? "I'm due to report next week, the hell you in my house for? Talking to my wife without permission, such damned insolence won't be ignored, you Underground filth."

Robyn shivered.

The tongue clicked again.

"Don't matter if I come from the fuckin' palace or the gutter, mate, right now? I'm the one holdin' your leash for _them,_ so I'd suggest sortin' that tone out. Or I could just cut yer tongue out myself, see if I can't straighten it out by force." The voice rasped before there was a scuffling noise and suddenly something smacked against the door where Robyn lingered. She jumped back and stared, the hinges creaked.

" _Daddy don't..._ " she breathed, assuming it was her father hurting the visitor. From the sounds of it, the man was important, and surely her father would get into trouble if he hurt him? Another bang made it sound like someone's head had been hit against the wood. Robyn clamped her hands over her mouth to avoid any sound escaping.

"Listen Sanshi, your ass is mine, y'hear?" The shadowed man's voice growled, another thump then sounded. Robyn gaped. It wasn't her father at all, the shadowed man, 'Ackerman', was the one hitting her father. Part of Robyn was terrified that there was someone scarier than her father in the world, and part of her was glad that someone was able to stand up to him. She then gulped and shook her head, trying to rid herself of such thoughts. Her father would find out.

"Ugh... just what the hell is it that you want? Can't you see you're upsetting the woman?" Vincent growled and Robyn shrunk back. Very faintly, she heard her mother whimpering. Her father's temper was flaring. The door creaked again.

"They need results, now. That's the long and short of it, they're getting' antsy te see what you've managed, got it? If you can't handle it, or the kid can't, then spit it out would ya?" Ackerman said and the door finally stopped creaking. Rustling sounded as her father brushed himself down, Robyn had shrunk all the way back to the other side of the hallway.

"Rushing me like this... Dammit, they'll get their answers, and she's the one to do it, you hear? I have her trained like no one else!"

"Then give me the damned phrase would ya?!" Ackerman yelled. "All that training means shit if we can't use it! They need to know this ain't just another one of your fuck-ups. You've got till sunrise y'hear?" Ackerman growled before the front door slammed shut. Robyn held her breath. She stared at the kitchen door, willing it to all disappear. But then the angry footfalls approached it, and then she was locked in that familiar glare.

"The hell you doing eavesdropping, girl?"

"I... D-Daddy, I-"

"Get the hell out of my way," he snarled, barging past and pushing her aside. Then his steps paused and Robyn braced herself for impact. He approached again and knelt down. "Seems like our schedule's been pushed ahead little rat, you'll be becoming a real Sanshi sooner rather than later. Time to be a real woman, eh?" He tilted his head and pushed her hair back from her face. He then clicked his tongue. "As long as I can fix you of course." He then shoved her back till she hit the wall.

The basement door slammed shut, and Robyn sat huddled, knees tight to her chest. She panted hard, having expected more than a mere shove. The seconds ticked by without incident and she calmed down. She was alone. Become a real Sanshi. Become a real woman. What did it even mean?

The kitchen door creaked open.

She looked over her knees and blinked at her mother.

"Mumma?"

"My birthday girl... I'm so sorry..."

"W-what's going on, Mumma?" Robyn ended up in a sob, stumbling over and falling into her mother's waiting arms. Her mother trembled, but Robyn barely noticed as it was so common.

"Nothing my love, it's all right. Come on, I have the sugar drizzle ready, you want to put it on top of the cake?" She held Robyn tight. But when Robyn looked up into her mother's eyes, Robyn knew something had changed. Her young mind didn't know what, but something in her heart clenched.

They spent the afternoon together. Her mother laughed louder when the yelling from the basement grew to thunderous. Something had made Vincent extra mad, and that was dangerous at the best of times. Let alone Robyn's birthday. Whilst most children thought of their birthday as a celebration, Robyn had only ever focused on the cake, and the fact her mother would openly smile. Otherwise it was an assault course. Vincent grew more and more angered by Robyn, the longer she remained before him and 'failed' over and over. Not that he ever explained what exactly she had failed _at._ The sun gradually set and John came up from his nap. Robyn went through and read to him as their mother prepared dinner, each knock and bang making Robyn jump a little. John whimpered, but as soon as Robyn smiled at him he was calmed. It helped to know she could protect him, keep him distracted from the mess.

"Dinner's ready, my loves!" Their mother called, and Robyn shared a grin with John. He was but a toddler still, but he knew those words meant food. He clambered to his feet wobbly, and Robyn held her hand out to him, them both gradually making their way through to a then clapping mother. "Oh look at you go my little soldier!" She laughed, running over and kneeling down to kiss the boy's plump cheeks. John giggled and Robyn joined in.

It was almost perfect, until the basement door slammed shut.

"Sit at the table," her mother said quickly, patting Robyn's head and then lifting John up into his high-chair. Robyn did as told, sitting down right before the kitchen door whacked off the wall. "Dinner's ready Vince, are you joining us, or are you taking it down-"

"It's the shit's birthday isn't it? I'll eat with you obviously, woman. Dish it up already, I'm hungry and I'm sure they are too," he growled, stalking over and sitting down at the table.

The meal was a blur, Robyn barely able to take more than a couple bites she felt so tense. It felt like the moment before a pan clattered to the floor. The clock ticked loudly, and John burbled innocently. Something was going to give, Robyn could feel it weighing down on the whole room. She wanted to break the quiet, to release the weird tension. She didn't know why she felt like asking, but she sat up and leaned on the table. Her mother's eyes fixed on her, but she wasn't able to stop the child before it was too late.

"How's your work going, Daddy?"

And that was it.

That was the spark to consume them all.

That simple question was how the world turned upside down for Robyn Sanshi, sending her on her wayward path through filth, blood, tears and flame. Her father's eyes snapped to her, burning with an intensity Robyn still didn't understand all those years later. What had been so wrong about it? All she had wanted to do was break the silence. Gradually, over all those years of running and waking from nightmares, she had forgotten about the work her father had been doing, her young mind losing track of that. Instead it had focused on what followed from that point.

Vincent stood slowly. He loomed as his hands curled into fists.

"It's never going to work is it?" He hissed between his teeth. Robyn's mother swallowed hard and put her cutlery down. She looked to her daughter, but Robyn just stared ahead, unable to fully meet her mother's gaze. "You're just... you're too fucking useless."

"D-Daddy I-"

"Look at you! Tiny, skinny, useless you!" He roared, slamming his hands down on the table with every word. The stew slopped out of bowl. John cried, startled by the noise. "For eight _fucking years,_ you've done nothing but drain me and your mother dry. Do you enjoy disappointing us?! Does it please your sick little head? Your thick, pointless, mindless, head!" He yelled, overturning the table as he stared at Robyn for a response. The table crashed into the floor, the stew spilled everywhere, the cutlery skidded across the room. Robyn leaned back as far as she could, pressing herself against the chair, her eyes filled with frightened tears.

What had she done?

What had she not done?

How did she fix it?

"Answer me!" He roared, and Robyn flinched.

"N-No... D-Daddy I'm sorry, I d-don't mean to g-get it wrong. How can I... h-how can I f-fix it? P-Please, I'll d-do... I'll do any... a-anything!" Her voice soon failed to sobbing. She wiped her nose, but watched as his anger boiled. Her mother went to John's side and tried to calm his frightened wailing. Robyn fell from her chair and scrambled back till hitting the wall. "Please! I'm sorry, Daddy, I'm sorry!" She shrieked, heart fit to burst.

"I'm sorry too, sorry for all this shit!" He bellowed, throwing his arms in the air, gesturing their home, their family. "There's just not enough time, never enough damned time. I can't do it. I just can't fucking do it!"

"Vince, please, just-" but her mother is silenced by a back-hand to the face.

"Fuck it! I can't keep fighting this tide, not with this useless shit slowing me down. Dammit, I have to start it all over again don't I?!" He growled, turning back to his daughter, eyes ablaze and vacant.

Robyn's mother swallowed hard, and when Vincent made a lunge for Robyn, her mother jumped in between.

"Stop this!" She yelled, hands in fists at her side, and face turned away from her husband. Robyn gaped, having never seen her mother do that before. Usually she submitted, she always said it was better to just brace against it, not to fight it. And yet now, her mother was doing both. Braced for impact. Standing defiant.

Vincent's hand lowered, his eyes wide as he stared at his defiant wife. He blinked and staggered back a step, eyes flickering between Mother and Child, a smile warping his lips. Laughter bubbled in his chest, and crawled up his throat.

Something snapped.

Something changed.

Something gave way.

"You too, huh? So fucking intent on ruining me, on ruining this family, our name. I won't allow it, I simply won't allow it!" He grabbed Robyn's mother by the throat, squeezed a choked cry from her lips and then threw her against the cabinets opposite. The woman lay in a heap. John screamed, tiny hands reaching for his mother, for his sister, for safety. Robyn reached for him too, but her trembling bones couldn't move towards him, they couldn't do anything but quiver. She couldn't do anything right.

"J-John you... h-have to b-be quiet..." Robyn pleaded in sobs with the little boy, but her father had already headed over. Robyn was on her knees, reaching still. "Daddy no! H-Hit me, hit me! Please! Leave him alone, p-please! He doesn't understand, he's only a baby!"

"You heard your sister, rat, shut up." Vincent snarled down at the bawling babe.

The boy stared, a moment of quiet sinking into Robyn as she watched her tiny brother understand the word 'danger'. Then he was up, trying to clamber out the back of the high-chair, trying to escape. But he didn't get the chance. None of them did. Innocence had no place in their world. Vincent grabbed the knife from the side, the one Robyn's mother had got out for the cake. For Robyn's birthday cake they had iced only an hour or so beforehand. Robyn watched the lantern light dance off the blade as it swept through the air, nothing to stop it. John screamed louder, confusion and panic ruling his tiny world as his father gripped his fine hair.

"Fine. I'll help you."

In one swift movement it was done.

The boy's bawling was reduced to nothing more than wet gargles.

Robyn fell back against the wall. She clamped her hands over her mouth, but this time there was no stopping it. The scream ripped out of her, burning up from her crushed heart. She couldn't stop. She wondered if she ever would.

Those tiny hands twitched.

He was still reaching for something, but he grew still when nothing reached back.

"W-What... J-John... what..." Robyn's mother stared, her eyes wide and streaming. She tried to get up from the floor, but her pale hands kept slipping. There was nothing to hold onto. Instead she tried to crawl. "My b-boy... my little boy. V-Vince, what d-did you... o-our boy... our little boy... my little soldier," she sobbed, making it a couple clawed strides before her voice cut to a choked sob. Vincent held her hair tight, pulling her back against him as he knelt behind her. Robyn's mother tried, her hands wrestling with the grip, but failing to do more than make him hold tighter. He scoffed in her ear.

"Your loyalty was to be to me, remember? That was the deal you made. Wench, you've pushed too far. You and these damned rats. Fucking filth."

The woman stared at her daughter. Their gazes locked, and they remained so as that knife descended again. Robyn's screaming finally cut out, strangled by the sight. Not once, not twice, but eight times the knife sank deep. It slipped into her Mother's stomach as if dishing her up for desert. The woman made little to no noise. She just stared at her daughter, and allowed the tears to pour. Vincent looked across as well. He grinned.

"See what you made me do, Robyn? _You_ did this. For every year you failed, for every year you cursed this home, that is what _you_ made me do." He threw the knife at the trembling child, the blade embedding itself into the wall by Robyn's head. She hadn't flinched, she could barely even breathe or blink.

The blood began to run. It trickled towards her. It slowly crawled along the stone floor, pouring from her mother and brother, melting between the stone slabs. It was a simple thing, but it would haunt her from that day forth. Robyn's head went back and forth, breaths gusting out of her quivering lips.

Her father slowly stood, letting her mother's body slump backwards onto the cold ground. So still. As if she were sleeping from reading her book in the sunshine, or been up all night nursing John through a fever. Only her mother didn't wear red. It didn't suit her. The only red that suited her mother, was Robyn's hair.

That was what she had always said.

"You can't die that quickly, not you that's ruined me. No, you deserve some real punishment, don't you? Yes, yes, that's right. You've burned through me, ruined me, and now I'll return that favour. C'mere!" Vincent growled.

Robyn just stared as her father advanced, grabbed her neck and dragged her along. He flung her down into the basement and locked the door tight. She hit every step before landing in a heap at the bottom. A cold, dusty darkness surrounded her. The whimpers grew between her panting lips.

It was quiet.

The mess was suddenly gone, and the warmth with it.

"M-Mumma... I..." Robyn whispered, voice cracked. She looked around from her spot on the floor, wishing her mother might appear out of the gloom; arms outstretched, hair tied back in a messy bun, flour upon her apron. But that wasn't going to work was it? Her mother wasn't going to get back up, and it wasn't flour staining her apron. "What... w-what do I do... M-Mumma?"

Robyn's big eyes looked around, the only break in the gloom being the small window that led to the street beyond. It was so high up though, it would be easier to just stay down. To not move, and to submit. It hurt so much to move. Banging and slamming sounded upstairs, with a final one sounded by the front door. Robyn glanced at the basement door, but she knew it was locked, she'd heard it go 'click' like all those other times.

"Mumma p-please..." she sobbed into the darkness, and she didn't know how long she lay there, pleading pointlessly with her long gone mother. But then she smelt smoke. An orange glow appeared in the crack beneath the door. The house? It was on fire wasn't it? Robyn gulped and looked up, that same orange glow showed between the floorboards. Would it come down to find her? Wood creaked and flame crackled. Fire went up the way though, right?

CRASH.

The floor in the corner of the house, near the back door where she had sneaked inside, had given way. The beams fell in and smoke billowed swamped over her. Robyn screamed and crawled back, hands scraping off the floor. Fire blazed into her vision and all she knew was flame, shadow and smoke. Her screams guttered to coughing, desperate gasps at the thinning air. The window. She had to try. She wobbled, but she managed to get to her feet.

Take it one day at a time.

One challenge at a time.

Robyn sniffed, tears tracking down her cheeks as she and stumbled over there. The fallen tears turned bitter as she felt a new feeling bloom in her chest. Fear fuelled her, it had for a long time, but the new feeling was darker. She hauled herself up and winced at her many bruises. For all those years, she had feared her father, but longed for his love. Now that had melted away, bubbling and steaming in the heat of their dying home. It left behind a small black pit. As she felt the cool air of the world tickle her grasping fingertips, Robyn swallowed hard. The pit began to fill, trickling in was malice, hate, vengeance. Her father was dead too, that clicked into place as Robyn started to pull herself up.

She paused and looked over her shoulder, watching how the back room's contents sat there being consumed. Her old teddy bears, John's wooden toys. Eaten alive. Turned to dust soon to be brushed away. Robyn gulped and looked up the stairs, them now also slowly falling prey to the flames. It didn't matter if she tried to go back up there, John and her mother wouldn't be able to walk. They wouldn't ever wake up. Robyn sobbed and gritted her teeth, pulling herself up and out the small window. She hated him. She hated him so much. The window frame dug against her body, and she gasped at the night air beyond her crumbling home. Almost there. Heat licked at her feet and she whimpered, clamping a hand over her mouth again. She couldn't risk him hearing her escape. He might have left the lane already, or he might have lingered to watch the show. She didn't know, she didn't know much of anything at that moment. Flames caught along her skin. She wriggled, she struggled, and then finally she got out. She rolled on the grass and stared at the smouldering husk. That had been her home. Past tense scared her.

"I... M-Mumma I... I'm s-sorry..." she sobbed, covering her face to hide from the image. But then she shivered and removed that shield. The pit ached inside of her, made her sit up and stare. She breathed deep with the occasional choke from the lingering smoke that curled towards her. She wouldn't hide from it, she wouldn't ever let herself forget that image.

Never.

"I'm sorry M-Mumma... I should h-have... I... I'll fix it." She rubbed her eyes and glared at the flames, bared her teeth at her father's crime and felt that pit overflow. "I promise I'll m-make it right, M-Mumma."

* * *

 **LEVI POV**

All things considered, today went far better than anyone had hoped for. Certainly than I had. All things considered, this was still fucked up. I kept expecting more men from the White-Cloaks to appear, for them to swarm the ceremony and mess it up. I don't know why, after all, they had no one else to attack now, right? Erwin was supposedly dead, and Valarie wasn't with us. But still, it was all a mess in my head. Even with the peaceful outcome, it had been damned surreal. On top of that, now technically Four-Eyes was my boss. Weird. But it was going to pay off. I know that. I just need to remind myself every-so-often.

Emotions had been running high. I could see it pressing down on Robyn when we left HQ. I shouldn't have let her be involved in moving Valarie, but at the same time she had to be there. If Robyn hadn't seen for herself that Valarie was contained, she'd have worried herself sick for the rest of the day. There was no real way of winning in that situation.

The ceremony ended, and we got back here without a hitch. For once something went smoothly. I sit down in my office of the town HQ, the rest of the regiment have headed out of town. I sigh heavily, sounding more and more like an old man. Guess I was starting to count as that, in this walk of life anyway. Robyn had clearly let her mind wander during the ceremony, despite my warnings not to. Things never went well when she did that. Plus today of all days, I didn't know where she might end up. Yet wander away she did, obstinate brat. I'd never seen her like she was in the ceremony, at least not in such a non-violent setting. It looked like everything weighed on her, and it also looked like I didn't even know about half of it. But at least she hadn't been alone, right? A bitter taste coats my tongue. Whilst I'm glad Jeager was there to look after her, I can't say I'm fucking happy about how he'd held her.

"Grow up..." I growl at myself and lean back in the chair.

This wasn't about Eren Jeager. This was about Robyn Sanshi. I've worried about her mental state since Valarie brought all that shit up from our time in captivity. Sure, Robyn had been brought back from the brink by Keza, but what about since then? It had been hardly any time at all, and the rest of this mess had happened so fast. It can't be easy. I also can't wonder what I would do if she ended up at that brink again. I'm not Keza. When I'd walked into that room I'd been struck dumb. I'd seen soldiers with PTSD obviously, I'd witnessed men go mad with grief, but the look in Robyn's eyes was something else. It was like denial, but denial of herself. Like she didn't want to believe she was still there. Even now it hurts to remember that expression; so lost, longing, so... broken. All this was part of the reason I'd just let her go when we got here, to the town HQ, after the ceremony. It had looked like she wanted to think alone. Maybe that's the issue though, maybe I'm too easy about letting her be alone? Is it caring, or am I just glossing over my own selfishness? I don't want her to feel controlled though, that's the last thing she needs.

I grumble incoherently, irritated by the world.

It was clear enough that I wasn't going to get anywhere just sitting here mulling it over in my mind. I wasn't thinking clearly enough for that. I should have spoken to Erwin about all this before we left. He seemed to know more about this stuff. At least more than me anyway.

A knock sounds at my door.

"Come in," I call, hoping it was Robyn. One look from her would put these worries to rest, right? If it wasn't her, I'd have to go see her before going to sleep. I didn't want her slipping back into old habits. She'd scratched into herself a couple times, I didn't want it to become a nightly thing. The last thing she needed was more punishment. I can't pretend I'm not disappointed when I see Kirtschtein stood before me in the doorway. "What is it?"

"It's um... it's Robyn, sir," he says awkwardly. I sit up straight. "She um... she asked me to come tell you that, she wouldn't be able to deliver reports tonight?" he looks as unconvinced, as I am confused. Why the fuck was she bothering with code? I nod and sit back a bit, hoping this wasn't her evading me knowing something was wrong. If it was, she'd failed. But he's lingering. There's more.

"Something else, Kirtschtein? Spit it out."

"She looked bad, sir," he says, swallowing hard. It was touching to know that she had more than my sorry self looking out for her. But still, that wasn't much to go on. I know I'm an intimidating bastard at times, but was it really so hard to give me the full picture in one go? I nod.

"Explain."

"I know it's been a trying day for us all, but she was real pale and wobbly on her feet. She seemed really distracted too. She said she was fine but... she was acting stranger than usual. Pretty sure I heard her arguing with Mikasa in the showers as well, sir, like a full on fight."

"I won't ask why you were lingering outside the showers," I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. I glance up and see the bright blush to the kid's cheeks. Oh yeah, the rest of them didn't know I joked occasionally. That was Robyn thing. I clear my throat and nod to him again. "Thank you, I'll go check on her in a moment. You did the right thing, Jean, could you go ensure Ackerman is all right?"

"Yes, sir, will do sir," he salutes and trots away.

Damn.

I drum my fingers against my desk and click my tongue. The kid was right, it had been a hard day, but was something else going on? I'd noticed Robyn wincing when the signals were fired. Was that sleeplessness, or pain in her head? Was this Valarie's handiwork, or was Robyn simply exhausted? Although yelling with Mikasa tended to indicate it was more than fatigue. They were friends as far as I could tell, at least as far as that scarf sucker could have friends. Again, there was no point trying to figure it out from here. I had to go to her.

When I head along, an uneasiness settles in my gut. The door's ajar. That wasn't a great sign. Having drawn the small blade from my boot, I carefully approach. Maybe it was paranoia, but then again I think I was allowed that by now. I gently push the door and wince as it creaks, stealth worked better with well maintained hinges. But everything seems fine. Within the small room I can only see her sleeping, no sign of intrusion or struggle. Why the hell did she leave the door open?

I go inside and close it with only a small click. I then turn and blink. Really? The window was wide open - she recalled the massive troop of assassins we had _just_ dealt with, right? Bloody woman. I then realise she appears to be totally naked as she lies on her front, only partially under the sheets. My cheeks burn. I don't fucking know why, I'd had my head between her thighs often enough. I shake off that notion and close the window, the room already frigid. The fuck was going on in that head? I glance back at the door, and see the towel strewn by the bed. Had she really been so exhausted that she could scarcely stagger from the showers to here?

I kneel down beside her, pulling the blanket over properly. Her skin's a little cold, but not dangerously so. I can't help but pause when seeing the scarring. She usually dresses facing me, to avoid me having to look at it. Not that she's ever said this blatantly, but I know it nevertheless. The marks make me shudder. Not because they're unsightly, of course not, but because they're signs of what she had endured. It's too easy to remember the crack of the White-Cloak's whip, the screams they stole. The newer scars that little bit darker, newly forged. Damn those bastards. I tuck in the blanket and brush her hair back from her face. She smiles in sleep. That was something. I lean against the wall and try to get comfortable on the floor. This was a basic place, so no chairs in the rooms. I'd happily slum it for her. I then see the small damp patch appearing where her hair was against the sheets. Shit. I sigh and get the towel. I gather her hair and lay it bundled up to the side. Pneumonia would not help the situation. Whatever the situation was.

"The hell's going on, Robyn?" I whisper, sitting on the edge of the bed now as my old ass aches from the floor. She shifts in her sleep and her brows knit together, had she heard me? I stroke her hair simply for something to do, this was infuriating. Something was wrong and I had no idea what, but I knew she would need sleep so I didn't want to wake her and ask.

My eyes coast down her back, now covered by the blanket, and my mind wanders. It wasn't often I got to see her so vulnerable. The relief I felt after she finally claimed revenge. I'm so grateful she let me look after her once it was done; she had been brutal and brilliant, but I knew she'd also burned through it all. My hand tingles. The sponge had so softly drifted over her skin, soap cleaning it all away. She really let me in that night, really allowed me to help. I smile a bit even now, she really trusted me. Shit, she really did. I'd been so messed up after those memories were brought back by Valarie. Not just because of my own memories, but because of what had been revealed to Robyn. The world was a bastard to all, yet it focused on her more often than not. But even so, even with everything that made her doubt the world, she'd so openly admitted to needing me. It'd messed me up, in all honesty. I couldn't believe it then, I still scarcely believe it now. The fact that she knew it was something amazing, as well as comforting considering how much I need her. But beyond that, the fact she admitted it? I couldn't wrap my damned head around it.

" _I love you, so that over-rides it,_ " those words, her eyes closed as I washed her. That kind of trust didn't come easy to anyone, let alone her. It seemed like a lifetime ago that she tried to push me away. I smirk. To think how she had reacted when I first reached out. So much suspicion, anger almost. _"Was I meant to fall to my knees and beg for more? Hm?_ " she had assumed it was a game. Then again, she'd not really known what it was to be wanted before, had she? Apart from Keza. But now? Now, Robyn just seems to accept that we're a partnership, that we need each other. A huffed laugh escapes me. I think the last time I felt someone's trust that deeply was Isabel. My hand shakes. I swallow hard and focus on the happiness of that memory instead of the loss. Robyn was as headstrong as Isabel maybe, but she had a different strength. Not to mention skill.

A similarity didn't mean they had to end the same way.

I guess heading back down there tomorrow was messing with me more than I'd realised. More than I wanted to admit. It was where I'd started, where I'd crawled out of. Well, maybe 'dragged' was a better word. But it was down there, in that stinking hole that my own demons loomed. Fuck. She was going down there, she would know the hell I came from. Would she pity me? I look to the ceiling and sigh at my stupid self, of course she wouldn't you old bastard. That wasn't how she worked. But I don't really know how she'll react in all honesty. That place changed people, and whilst it wasn't guaranteed to frighten her, she didn't like being contained.

Just like Isabel.

I sigh and lean on my knees.

Perhaps I should have stayed in my room, this over-thinking thing was Robyn's deal normally. Apparently it was contagious. Those similarities are glaringly obvious now. Robyn also liked to take in broken things, didn't she? Her mother, Keza, Eren, Me. We were all broken in different ways, and she tried to patch us all up. She tried to fix us. Problem being that I reckon Eren hopes for more than his wings being fixed. He's a good man, he wouldn't act on his wants till she gave consent. But then again, he was also prone to brash actions. I blink and look down at myself. Jealousy. Had I sunk so low? I scrape my hair back. Jeager cared for her a lot, everyone knew this. Everyone except Robyn, of course. But she cared for him like Isabel had that bird. She took risks for him. Without knowing it, Robyn held the kid too close. I wasn't jealous, no, not at all, I just knew it would come to a head soon. Then again it didn't matter did it? No matter who it was, be it the White-Cloaks, or her deranged rage-filled pet, I'd protect Robyn. I'd always protect her.

With all this madness going on, that's all I can focus on.

If I don't, then I'll really lose it.

I bite my lip. For some reason I'm thinking of her in that tub again; cheeks slightly flushed and eyes tired. But she also looked free. I couldn't help but lean in and kiss her. She just melted against me, sighing and touching my face with her wet fingers. She'd already fixed my broken wings, my broken mind, and my broken will. I glance back at her in the bed, and chuckle again, she was forever applying bandages to me. I bet I didn't even know about half of them.

Memories weren't something I had allowed myself much. They'd only caused pain in the past. A flash of bright red catches my eye, her ribbon lies at the bottom of the wardrobe. It must've slipped off the hanger. I run it through my fingers. As a kid, I'd held onto the idea of my mother, hoping she would come back to life. Stupid kid. The silken material slithers. When I'd gotten a little older, I'd lingered on the rare moments when Kenny was decent. Foolish really, it just made the rest of his actions harder to accept. I reach the end of the ribbon, swallowing hard against the persistent lump in my throat. After that, after he abandoned me, I tried to go it alone. But then... then I ended up grasping hold of memories attached to _them_. Those two idiots. They followed me through thick and thin, all the way up to this open world. I'd cared too much, right? And I'd left them out on those plains to rot. Even now those memories sting.

Robyn sighs and I look back; her red hair shining in the moonlight, as brightly as this ribbon. Her memories had haunted her for 13 years. They probably still did, who was I kidding? Yet she'd used them to fuel the fire. Maybe it was time I did the same, stop just clinging to things and casting them away when they hurt. Maybe I should try to change them into fuel, into a source of fight. I hold the ribbon taut between my hands. When I first saw that bright red amongst the new cadets, I'd been taken aback. Just like a flame. Then it just made me think of that fiery kid that had caused me so much trouble before. How different this new trouble-maker turned out in the end.

I missed green eyes, and yet I treasured gold.

"Isabel would have loved you..." I murmur, and I watch those brows raise and a smile fall into place. Obviously I still don't know what happened tonight, but at least my voice seemed to be keeping the shadows at bay. "She was a pain in the ass for authority, but a stickler for tradition. She'd have demanded I marry you. She was a funny little kid." I lean over to lie down next to sleeping beauty, and prop myself up on an elbow. The ribbon remains entwined round my fingers as I run my free hand through those still slightly damp locks.

"Funny..." Robyn breathes, nuzzling into my hand and grinning. She was still asleep though. I find myself sighing. She really had me, didn't she?

We took a stupid chance that night; her sat there only in her shirt, me having crawled to her room to apologise for my 'unprofessional' behaviour. We took a dumb-ass, crazy, foolish chance, and look where it landed us. I'd watched her go from the top, to the lowest bottom possible. Only now was she scrambling back up. My god, when you looked at it broadly she was insane, wasn't she? But a smile sticks in place, I can't shift it. This whole damned mess of a world was insane, she just happened to be ahead of the curve in joining in.

If I could go back, would I change it?

I snort and shake my head, still running my hand through her hair. Would I hell. Robyn Sanshi; the most unhinged woman I'd ever met, but also the bravest. Even now I can't believe how she lay there with me in the bath and asked about my past. Not even Erwin had been brave enough to do that. Well... of course he hadn't laid in a bath with me, but he certainly hadn't asked about my past. Not so blatantly anyway. No one had. After so much turmoil though, Robyn lay there and asked about _my_ pain. Will I ever understand her? I shake my head, I was trying to understand, rookie mistake. It was like trying to hold onto smoke, she just slipped right through my fingers over and over. Troublesome brat.

"My mother would have found you infuriating," I sigh, my eyes feel warm.

Obviously they would never meet, so why was I going down this path?

Guess one reflection led to another. It was a stupid thought really, my mother had been dead a very long time. I could barely remember her face anymore. But even I had looked to the sky today and considered the ceremony applicable to more than just one man. It made sense, after all he wasn't even really dead. I wondered what my mother might've made of all this mess; with her cleanliness and composure. Even when those men beat her to a pulp, she still cleaned herself up and got me to sit at the dinner table nicely. Madness was everywhere it seemed. But so was determination.

"She'd have scolded you so many times by now... throwing yourself into danger for others, demanding the pain be yours instead. She'd have whooped you good, brat," I shake my head.

I could only imagine the rant my mother would have had if she saw the mess we'd made. My hand drifts and ends up slipping under the covers, lingering on Robyn's back. I pause and look to where I feel a scar that runs alongside her spine. That was when it first occurred to me, didn't it? I watched that serum sear through, I felt her slipping away. On top of that I watched that sick little shit drive a blade through her. Like she was nothing but a paper-doll. The scar is faded now, covered partially by the recent brutality. But it's there. I hadn't felt my heart beat that fast in a long time, I hadn't felt it ache like that since I had been trying to keep up with another red-head.

I've already nearly lost Robyn so many times.

When was my luck going to run out?

"D-Da..." she gasps, her brows knit together and her teeth bared. She flinches, and I find myself doing so as well. I reach out but she recoils, eyes still tightly knit shut as she shivers into the pillow. "Daddy don't... p-please... st-stop... I don't... I don't understand..." she ends up sobbing, her lashes soon wet. Fuck.

When we spoke that night she mentioned that she dreamed of a lot of things, but I didn't expect her to still be lingering in that past. A frightened kid, shivering and whimpering for her mother. Dammit, would her mind ever be kind?

"Hey... Robyn, I'm right here, you're safe," I say it without really thinking it through. How would her mind warp that? My voice in a situation with her father. Confusion washes over those features, and I find myself holding my breath. If she freaked out, I could always shake her awake I suppose. Wouldn't be the first time. Her lips open, breath coming quickly as her eyes move around under lids. I stroke her hair again, trying to ignore the fact my hand just shook. "Robyn, it's Levi... I... you kept your promise."

"P-Promise..." she repeats, looking more confused before almost smiling. Her voice mumbles out of her, slow and sluggish with sleep. "He made m-me... keep s-so many... p-promises... so many... D-Daddy..." she shakes her head against the pillow. "I don't wanna d-do that... n-no... don't take me down there again... n-no... stop... I don't want medicine... n-no..." her eyes move quicker now. I realise my hand's stalled, I'm staring, and I had been holding my breath. Down there again? The basement? Medicine... what kind of medicine had he been giving her? It wasn't that far-fetched to consider she still had secrets from me. Then again, they might be secrets from herself too.

"Shit... Robyn, what else did he do to you?" I sigh and lay down properly. My head feels heavy as I consider how much truth might have spouted out of Valarie in more recent talks. Despite the woman's mania, a couple things kept cropping up; Robyn was meant for more, Vincent had failed, time was running out. Key phrases. I hadn't put any stock into them, I'd assumed it was sad attempts at throwing more confusion at us. But now? Now I have doubt in my mind, now I have to wonder.

Robyn hadn't lied, of course not. But had Robyn known? Was there more in her past that we didn't even know about yet? After all, the White-Cloaks had wiped out memories for both me and Robyn with their weird potions. Syringes over and over again, pricking our skin. Medicine? I swallow and look at her arm, I lean in and prod with my nail, wondering if the sharp sensation might make her remember. Only now I feel like Hanji, and that just makes me sick to my stomach.

"Bugger off..." she grumbles.

I blink and find myself almost laughing at the sudden change in tone.

That wasn't a confused child, that was a pissed off woman being woken up by her pestering boyfriend. Was that what I was? The word sounds weird. Boyfriend. No, that doesn't suit me, not at all. I watch her eyes slow and then her lips close again, prickling with smiles now instead. That was an improvement, for sure. What about, partner? Surely that just made it sound like we owned a butcher's together. Guess it didn't matter what the label was in the end.

"Apologies Brat," I say and lie back to look up at the ceiling. Seemed like we still had a decent amount of ground to cover. As long as we got to do it together I guess. My eyelids feel heavy, but as I feel her shift closer to me, I look at her and find that grin contagious. "You awake, woman?"

"Nngh..." she burbles back at me, breathing still even and deep. Nah, she was out of it still. I sit up and take off my boots, tug my shirt collar loose and shed my coat. I wasn't going to be able to sleep alone tonight.

"Sorry, brat, you're having some company." I slip under the covers, but she remains still, breathing and occasionally looking around in her dreams.

Did she know how much she had messed with me? I'm a fool for thinking it, but I really was hopeless without her. The idea of her had pulled me through those long six months, in all honesty they had felt more like six years. I shuffle closer to her, and she ends up curling into my chest, nuzzling and sighing.

"Y-Yes, sir," she breathes into a chuckle, her hair mainly dry now thankfully. I tug the towel out the way and let it gather on the floor.

"Before I fall asleep too, Brat, I... I want you to know something." I say, staring at the ceiling whilst my hand moves through her hair again. By this point I don't know who it's soothing more. She only responds with a small nuzzle, that would do. On some level I'm sure she can hear me, that was enough. I'm too much of a coward to say it when she's awake. "You kept me going. You know that, right? I mean... have I ever actually said it to you? About those six months... I dunno if I have. But... b-but you really kept me sane, Robyn. Kinda ironic, right?"

Sigh, nuzzle.

"All that time... when they starved me, beat me, kept injecting that shit. I thought of you, how you pulled me out of that rut I was in, how you took a chance on an old bastard like me. Hell... if it weren't for you Robyn, I... I..." I swallow hard, memories colliding with the present and making that warmth in my eyes spill over. This was ridiculous. But I had to say it out loud, at least once. "If it weren't for you, I'd be dead. No question about it. I... I gotta admit, brat, I considered it a couple times. When I felt their mind-shit working on me. I thought it'd be better to be out the way, than hurt you. But... fuck, it's selfish as hell, but I couldn't not see you again. I had to chance that their plan would fail, that you and the Scouts would stop me. Thank fuck I did chance it, eh? You brought me back..." I breathe into the darkness, eyes itching and a shiver taking to my aged bones. I blink slower, my mind starting to drift as her arm wraps over and tucks under my torso. Holding tight like always. "All over again, you saved me, Robyn. Shit... eventually... are you gonna let me save you?" I ask the darkness, another nuzzle being her only response before my eyes have closed and I feel myself sinking.

I don't fight it.

Right now I couldn't think of anything worse.

* * *

 **So there we go, the day it all happened. Congrats on getting through that ridiculously long chapter! And thank you for reading! Please leave a fav, follow and or review, I would love to hear from you guys!**

 **SO yeah, that one was a bit intense hm? And also, to those of you following both CW and this, sorry about the odd occurance that just happened, where both my recent updates contained Levi POV. I have no idea how that happened but... oh well, it is what it is I suppose. Hope it was still okay!**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **ChrissyKinz6:** I'm glad you liked the Erwin and Keza moment, I really liked writing it to be honest! I plan to show their 'retreat' sections here and there, so don't worry, more shall be shown of them as we go along. Haha, sorry for stealing the name, yeah I realised it hadn't been mentioned before and I thought it might be a nice reveal in that moment. It's a lovely name ^-^ look forward to the UG being in the next update, I just kinda felt Levi needed some reflection time, as so much has happened recently. Aw you're rereading? I'm honoured! Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reviewing!

 **JaylaFireGal:** Thanks for checkin in whilst you read, I love it when people do that, gives a more immediate sense of their feeling for everything. I'm so glad you responded to it so passionately, that's awesome to hear! Thanks for the feedback on my personal projects, I'm excited about it as well as scared, haha! Thank you so much for the praise, it really is a case of just keep practising seriously. I'm thrilled to know I've convinced you with the characters, I hope this update did the same for you. I'm sorry to have messed up your sleeping pattern, haha! You have no idea how much I loved your review, thank you so much for taking the time!

 **Sebastian:** Thanks so much for the support, means the world. I'll keep everyone updated with how it's going. Hope you enjoyed the update!


	53. Smoke

**Hello hello hello my lovely readers! I'm updating a day early as I plan to go do copious amounts of drinking in the sunshine, so I highly doubt I'll be a functioning human being tomorrow. Yay for you! And partially yay for me! (It's tomorrow's fran's problem...) But tomorrow's Fran can also see the next episode of Season 2 so... you win some and you lose some...  
**

 **Anyway, hope you guys enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

* * *

 **ROBYN POV**

The earth seems to swallow us whole. That gaping mouth eager and groaning with hunger. Considering what we fight out there, it was a little unnerving to say the least. My Captain soldiers on, and as he descends the steps, I feel the dank gloom shroud us all. I hold the lantern a little tighter, the feeling not unlike entering a graveyard as we march in silence. The MP's had given us no trouble, but really why would they? In the Underground we were contained, in the underground we were easily found and dealt with. It would be getting back out that was the problem.

That morning I had woken so sluggishly. It felt like I hadn't really slept at all, my eyelids still feeling heavy even now. But it had still been pleasant to wake next to him, to feel his arms tighten round me as he pressed a kiss to my hair. I hadn't remembered him coming in, but he brushed it off. I'd just needed tucking in apparently. I was glad he had been there though, whatever it was I had been dreaming out, it had lingered in my mind as an uneasy feeling. The faint smell of smoke had been in my mind, but I couldn't really recall what the dream had been about.

"So, you got an idea of where to start this search, sir?" Jean asks as we travel under another threshold and begin to descend a massive set of stairs that reach all the way to the bottom of the cavern. It was nothing like I had imagined, and yet somehow even worse. Levi glances back and nods, but says nothing, he was clearly uneasy about something. Perhaps it was being back here, perhaps it was bringing us with him. Sometimes I can pride myself on being able to read him, other times I find myself at a total loss. This was the latter.

Mikasa had avoided my gaze all morning, but as we fell into step with each other, I touched her hand gently. Her eyes snapped over to me, and I'm glad to see a small smile mirror my own. We were all right, weren't we? Her gaze is soon averted again and I just leave it at that, we needed to be focused I guess. Eren was at the back of the group, apparently intent on staying on the sidelines for now. Had it been him outside the bathroom? I can't really remember anything much after I left that steaming room, the argument still hanging in the air between me and Mikasa. My head had been so damned foggy, I guess the day had just weighed down on me way more than I'd realised.

I'm glad we're still wearing our gear, it makes me feel a little less intimidated by this place. Even if only a little. I feel the weight of my blade casings as a comfort, and I ensure Levi is within my reach. I know it's been a long time since he was down here, but I doubt people have forgotten him. He had quite the reputation apparently. I can imagine him down here, raging against the merchants, seeking justice for those he cared about. His world had once been about as small as my own, hadn't it?

We reach the bottom of the stairs and look around. It was like any other city really, just the air felt heavier to breathe. I glance back at Eren and note his unease, his eyes glued to that tomb-like ceiling as he swallows hard. He would be extra nervous about accidentally shifting in here, but I trusted that he would be able to contain it. He was stronger now, more in control. I believed he could do it. When he catches me looking at him, he blushes and looks away, shifting his cape and clearing his throat. Was that anger I just saw? I look ahead again and when Levi turns to us all, we salute momentarily before he waves his hands.

"Less of the formality down here, brats, it's not needed. In fact it might just cause issue."

Our hands slowly lower, it feeling like we had a lot of eyes on us now.

"You have to keep in mind that the military aren't respected down here; they're either outright feared, or hated. Not usually much in between." He sighs and looks around. "Hasn't changed much, but c'mon, this way. We'll stick to the outskirts if we can, the further into those streets we go, the more likely trouble will land in our laps."

We walk along in another tense quiet.

I don't really know where Levi's head is right now. This morning he had been gentle, speaking softly and looking like his mind was elsewhere. He also kept repeating the idea of me sticking close to him. I know he worries about me, but this was becoming strange, like he knew something I didn't about this trip. Was he worried something would happen to me from the White Cloaks? I know this was where we had deduced their recruited children, but that hardly put me at more risk. We're about halfway round the city when I decide I need to break this quiet, it's just pressure building over and over. Something had to give.

"Levi..." I murmur, catching up with him a bit. He looks my way and nods, only then do I realise he's had his hand on a blade this entire time. He really was on edge. "Do you really think Kenny's going to be down here?"

"I'm not sure, I heard he headed up top a few years back, but then again, down here he was always seen as a big deal. Maybe he got fed up of being over-looked as scum up top." My Captain shrugs and I frown, wondering if he had that label thrown at him too. Would anyone dare call Levi, 'scum'? "We just need to be wary, all right?"

"Yeah I know, Levi, I just... you seem so anxious. I don't think I've ever even seen you this riled before battle. There's no titans down here, this is-"

"It's more of a battlefield than you could know, Robyn."

I blink and lower my gaze, my cheeks tingling with a blush.

"Please, just let me play this my way." He says with a small sigh afterwards. I nod and fall back a bit, seeing him look my way again. I don't know if he's glad I backed off or not, but right now I just feel in his way, like something stuck in his teeth. Right now I need to be his Cadet, not his Robyn. I fall into stride and a silence takes over the group again, only the clank of our gear and thud of our feet to be heard.

As we round the city, which is a lot larger than I'd realised, a group of men stands ahead of us. They're leaning against the wall, or standing about casually. It could be innocent, but something tickling my spine tells me it isn't. Innocent isn't likely a commonplace term down here. We glance amongst ourselves, but we just watch for Levi's order. He's still striding ahead, only sighing when those men have looked our way, taken in the uniforms, and continued to stay put. Dammit.

"All right, just keep walking. If they cause trouble just scatter. We have shit to do, and I don't want random fucks getting in our way. Scatter and meet back at the edge of the city three blocks down. Got it?"

A unanimous 'yes' goes round the group and we maintain our pace.

Those men that had been leaning against the wall step away, those standing casually straighten up. A couple blades come into view. I look to the side, and see where I'll head for when we scatter. We weren't rookies any more, we knew how to work as a team. All we had to do was evade and then converge again. We didn't have green smoke, but it was a similar idea. If the men were still on our tails, Levi would continue the order when we met up again. Simple. I have to wonder why these thugs would pick a fight with a military squad, but then I realise they're used to the MP's. They're used to conceited fucks with little more than basic skill. They can't see our insignia.

"Got time for a chat?" One of them calls out, we remain silent and keep marching, but they're pulling ranks and blocking the path. Levi glances back and nods. Our wires zip, we fly, and the men grunt in surprise. Bye fuckers.

I zip through a quiet alleyway and land again, making good pace but not running. No point in drawing attention to myself. I glance up and see Mikasa making her way across rooftops just ahead of me, barely making a noise as she light-foots it over the tiling. There's wires zipping along further ahead. Well oiled machine, that was what we were.

"Well looky here..." A voice scuttles up beside me and I glance that way. A figure walks a couple metres over the street, eyes intent on me as smoke rises form a cigar. Something like recognition pings around in my head, but I can't place it. The man dips his hat and walks a little closer. I keep going. One block down. I can fire my wires if I need to, it's fine. "Fancy a talk? I hear you're lookin' for me?"

I slow a little and glance at him again, frowning.

"Excuse me? Speak plainly." I say, keeping it business like. Mikasa is out of sight now. Dammit, guess I was dealing with this creep on my own. Was this actually Kenny, or one of his henchmen pretending? Surely an important guy like Kenny wouldn't just wander up to me? I'm just a cadet, after all. He chuckles and sucks on that cigar some more. "Spit it out, or I'm leaving."

"Oh really?" He drawls, men coming into view in front of me.

Before I can even aim my wires, he's hit my gear dead on and it clatters to the floor. He knew exactly where to hit it. Shit. I immediately crouch into a fighting stance and step away from his grabbing hand. It lingers in the air, slowly closing around nothing as his grin widens round his smoking friend.

"Good reflexes Girlie."

"You've got my attention, now what the hell do you want?"

I don't know who this guy is, I could only guess that he actually was Kenny. But I don't even know what he was meant to look like, Levi had been kinda vague. Mainly so none of us went looking on our own, I think, or jumped to conclusions when down here. It made sense, small spaces made anyone jumpy, let alone people trained for the open plains. The stranger's dark eyes glint at me in the light of that cigar, and it makes my skin crawl. He just emanates danger, as well as a distinct after-taste of 'blurgh'. I don't know where the others are, and whilst I feel panic course through me, I can't show it. They'd realise I'd gone astray, and they'd retrace steps. I know that.

The stranger sorts his hat and flicks the stub of his cigar away onto the cobbles, it hisses as it hits a puddle. I slowly reach for my smaller blade, it tucked into my boot just in case. This guy's men were leering a little too intently for me not to. I ain't suggesting every man in the world wants to bone me, but I reckon my nerves are justified. I button up my shirt more with my free hand. The bearded git smirks and chuckles at me, shaking his head. My hand pauses.

"No need to force us to kill you miss, quit reachin' for that toothpick. We'll do the killin' without encouragement." He snorts and takes a couple strides towards me.

I've already figured out I'm surrounded, there's too many eyes on me. I can't run without my gear, if I leave it I'm stranded for the rest of the mission. He continues his approach. I swallow hard and hold my chin high as he looms. I'm used to looming; be it my fellow soldiers, the walls, or the fucking titans. It wasn't a new concept. His eyes narrow at my stubbornness and I'm almost tempted to smirk. Obviously there was no point in attempting a retreat, for now, I was trapped like a rat. The way his face is shadowed beneath the brim of his hat makes me shiver slightly though, the back of my head starting to ache. _Do_ I know him?

"What's yer name?" He purred, touching my chin for a moment before those eyes glinted with something new. Something that made my memories threaten. The cobbles beneath my feet suddenly don't feel so sturdy. I grit my teeth and focus.

"None of your fucking business." I snarl, and he grins, breath reeking of tobacco and booze. Charming. If this was Kenny, he certainly hadn't helped with Levi's obsession over cleanliness.

"Well None of your fucking business, I'm very intrigued to know how a fair maiden such as yerself ended up in this shithole?" He grins, watching me so close I feel like he can read my mind. But hang on a fucking second, did he seriously just do a Dad joke?! My god. "I'd answer quickly, my curiosity don't mean endless patience, y'know."

"I'm here on military business."

"Oh right, so what does that mean?" He hums, teeth flashing into view. I narrow my eyes again and click my tongue.

"It means get the fuck out of my way." I growl, clenching my fists and trying not to react to this pinching sensation building at the base of my skull.

His brows slowly raise, disappearing under that ridiculous hat as he glances at his men. They all start chuckling now, the sound like bugs crawling. I feel cold sweat gathering along my spine, but don't let myself show the quivering. One moment of letting a beast like this know I was scared? I'd be done for. I'd seen that same kind of cruelty light up my father's eyes, and I knew the kind of man stood before me. They enjoyed pain, they got high on it, they lived for it. Sick bastards, but thankfully easily read once you've been pushed down beneath their boot enough times. I was a damned pro.

"Well, well boys, we better scarper."

"Wouldn't be how I'd put it, but the sentiment's correct." A voice rumbles just along the alleyway.

I stop myself from smiling just in time. My Captain. For a second I was close to revealing my relief. But I grit my teeth, knowing well enough this group of thugs was no match for my Captain, but not wanting them to know my connection. This wasn't the place to be human. Here there be monsters.

"It can't be..." laughs the ragged leader, turning to look at where my Captain is. Levi stands, flipping a knife casually in his hand. I see him frown more, and suddenly that cold sweat feels like icicles have formed along it. It _was_ Kenny, wasn't it? My Captain and he knew each other. Shit, was this Kenny, the man who- the pain at the back of my head flares.

"Hello, Kenny." Levi nods and our prey laughs yet again.

I swallow and try to move, but Kenny's weathered hand snatches out and grabs my throat. Fuck. The blinding pain in my head stopped my reflexes kicking in. But then again, the strangle hold was at least a distraction from the agony threatening to break my head apart. I struggle, but shitting hell, this scarecrow of a man is strong! He lifts me from the ground, wheezes ripping from my gasping lips until I manage to haul myself up on his arm, allowing a little less pressure. My heart pounds, mind and body at war as I try not to panic. The hell was going on in my head? This can't be left over from yesterday, so why was I so unstable right now?

"Would you mind unhanding my Cadet?" Levi drawls.

At first the coldness stings, and then my reason slaps that pathetic reaction away, and points out that this cruel git currently choking me would likely snap my neck outright if he knew I actually mattered to Levi. Kenny was known as ruthless, hell he had taught Levi how to fight, hadn't he? He had forged my Captain through malice. The grip on my throat tightens and he steals a choked cry form me. Bastard.

"I think she's more than a, Cadet."

"How'd you figure?" Levi tilts his head, expression blank as my legs kick out uselessly.

"With a pair of tits like that, and that arse? Even you can't resist that, ya wee midget." Kenny cackles, forcing another whimper out of me as he digs his nails into my skin. Levi doesn't react. "C'mon seriously? Do you even have a dick?" The old guys drops me and I land in the puddle, hacking and coughing. I do manage to get a hold on my gear though.

"You done being perverted, Kenny?" Levi continues in a sigh, my mind whirring it's way towards an exit as my throat burns. Kenny clicks his tongue – was that where Levi got it?

"What a waste of a fine piece of-"

I punch Kenny's knee hard.

A bark escapes him and he's on the ground, the joint giving way. It isn't much but it allows me a small gap to lunge out of the ring of thugs and roll towards my Captain. I drag my gear with me. I hop up and walk back till I'm next to him, leaning on my knees so I can refill my choked lungs. Levi shifts his weight, ever so slightly angled in front of me.

"What is it that you want, Kenny? Other than a walking stick." Levi says with a small clearing of his throat. I suppose that's his equivalent of a laugh down here. I get my gear back on in a couple seconds, not feeling quite so trapped once I have.

The growling grunts from his acquaintance make me feel better, but I can't stop myself from putting a hand to my head. I expect blood somehow, for there to be a gaping wound to justify this piercing pain back there. But there's nothing. Was it a memory, maybe? But why had Levi's 'Uncle' triggered it? I swallow it down and straighten myself, brushing off any dirt.

Eventually Kenny manages to scramble back up, not looking very pleased.

"We heard you were back down here."

"From?" Levi continues to flip the knife. Kenny snorts.

"Like I'd tell you. So when you were spotted, I sent some pawns in te scatter you. I wanted te find you first obviously, but then we bumped into this one. Given that hair, she was sighted entering the city with you in tow. Brought your girl back to see where you almost grew up?" Kenny mutters, favouring his other leg as he lights another cigar and winks at me. Disgusting.

"All right, but that isn't what I asked. What do you want?" Levi repeated with impatience. Kenny drew on his cigar.

"I wanted to talk to you, see how the Commander was doing now that he uh... well now that he isn't quite the man he used to be-"

"He died, you fucking animal!" I yell out, playing my part as the emotional woman as I suck a breath between my teeth. I wasn't sure how thick we needed to lay it down, but considering the ceremony, it seemed likely that I might be touchy on the subject.

I thought I'd have to use the sharp memories of the funeral to get the tears going, but something about this man had already made my heart ache. Why was I thinking of my mother suddenly? Her face flashed into view, or at least her eyes did. I could never clearly remember her much. The flames always got in the way.

Levi turns to berate me as my Captain, but is presumably taken off guard by the actual tears. Sorry Levi, I genuinely don't know what's going on in this damned head of mine. He blinks, not visible to the thugs as he frowns. He then shakes his head. This wasn't the place, I had to keep it together. I bow my head as though scolded, and I nod. He then turns to Kenny and I see my Captain set his jaw tight.

"You already knew that you sick git, but that doesn't explain why you would even care what had happened to, Commander Smith." Levi sighs, sounding incredibly bored now. I think he knew exactly how to play this guy. Kenny clicked his tongue again, blowing out the smoke slowly.

"He went and took my pride, boy."

"If that's meant to mean me, consider me revolted." Levi snaps back, and Kenny's eyes flash dangerously. A nerve had been found, open and ready. Good to know.

"No matter how you see it, boy. I wasn't ever keen on the bastard after that. Good riddance, I say."

"No one asked you." I growl, Levi putting a hand out to me, indicating I needed to back off. It might be part of the act, or he might actually worry I was having another episode. Right now, I don't really know either.

Kenny snorts and his men join in. They weren't rats, they were mangy sheep.

"Listen deary, he wasn't all peaches and cream ya know. He was a prick."

"How dare you?!"

"Look, unless you were riding his dick as well, I dunno what the tears are about." Kenny smirks, and thankfully Levi grabs hold of me to hold me back as I let loose.

"You son-of-a-bitch! I dunno what you are to Captain Levi, but I sure as hell don't give a shit right now!" I'm hoping to garner some attention from our group, our team was scattered and I needed them to hear my yells. C'mon guys, we need you here. Levi squeezes my arm, he understand what I'm doing. "A prick you say? Who's the one smirking as he sucks on a cigar speaking light of someone's death?"

"People die, sweet-cheeks. It's what they're meant to do." Kenny murmurs at me, as if he's somehow wiser to the darkness of this world than me. We all had darkness Fucko. "Ain't brave just cause ya do it faster than the rest of us."

"You ever even _seen_ over the walls, let alone been out there to fight? Huh? Don't you fucking dare belittle all that man did for Humanity. And don't you dare call _anyone_ but your filthy self a prick!" I shriek, baring my teeth at him, but finding myself confused when his eyes flash.

"Holy shit... I know you, woman." He breathes, walking towards me and making Levi pull me back for real. The tone just shifted. Why has that coldness returned to my spine, why can I hear a little boy crying? Kenny has wide eyes and has tilted his head; looking every bit the madman he was rumoured to be. "You're Vincent's brat."

What?

The ice shoots up my back and claims my heart, and that pain smothers my entire head. My visions already swimming by the time Kenny has stopped, about a metre in front of me and Levi. He cocks his head to the side and strokes his straggled beard. I breathe as evenly as I can.

"Yeah, you're the skinny little shit everyone was waiting for, hm?"

"I... y-you..." I can't pretend right now, hell I can't even fucking think. Levi angles me further behind him and frankly I'm glad. I've never felt so damned exposed.

"Remember me, little girl?" Kenny sneers, and I just swallow hard. "Nearly hit ya with my horse the night he snapped."

"You... were there?" I whisper, the cold having sent shivers through my whole body. That pain throbbed around my skull and my vision felt tunnelled.

"Mm... shit girl... you survived, all right." He says and I look up, seeing that smile lit by the glow his cigar's embers. Then the cold chuckling came; just like Vincent's only now it was so much rougher. "Gettin' in the way as usual I see."

For a moment, only a moment, there's a glint of respect.

Ash got caught in the slight breeze, it tickles my nose.

I'm sinking through the past and I don't want it, I really don't. Having spent so long outrunning those fucking flames I didn't want to dance back into them. Not here. Not when I was already feeling like I was in a tomb.

"Look, if all you wanted was to intimidate? Congrats, you've unnerved a Cadet on my Squad." Levi pushed Kenny back. "Must do wonders for your waning ego, but on a more pressing matter, I actually have business with you, Kenny." Levi says, dragging that cold gaze away from me thankfully.

I want to just let the earth swallow me up here. It's everywhere. The sun on my back, hair in a plait bouncing off my shoulders. Shit. I hadn't thought this far back in so long, but somehow it wasn't long enough. I don't want to remember this. It hurt too fucking much. Kenny nods to Levi whilst I try and keep my mouth shut, if I open it, I might just start screaming.

"You makin' demands of me now, boy?"

"No, I need to talk with you, without the entourage." Levi gestures to the slowly encroaching back-up dancers. Kenny glances back and nods to them, the men receding a bit. "Where can we meet?"

"You gonna have your entourage?" Kenny grins and Levi nods. "Doesn't seem fair."

"Out of the two of us, who's the criminal?"

"More like, out of the two of us, who's not been charged?" Kenny laughs and I see Levi bristle. The old git was getting under his skin as well. I hear zipping wires and then landing feet. The others had arrived and they march up behind us, some scuffs indicating them pushing through any remaining henchmen. "You still remember your old address?"

"Why the hell would you want to meet there?"

"Thought you might like to see the place, after all, no one's touched it since you was there. And hey, I'm a sentimental guy, I thought you might feel safer there." Kenny snickered, adjusting his hat and then receding a couple steps. He looks at me and that grin widens. I feel sick. "Agreed, Levi?"

"See you there, this evening?"

"You got it, _Captain_." He laughed, winking at me before he turned about and left.

We stay stock still till the rest of the horde had left, before we turn to our comrades. They look to their Captain for orders, as well as explanation. Then they all look at me like they're expecting me to collapse, to be honest, I'm half expecting it too. A ringing had built in my ears.

"Right, we know where we're going now. Follow me. Jean, stick with Robyn." He said, essentially handing me over.

I notice that he didn't say Eren, but I don't question anything right now. I look at Jean and he gives me a kind smile, but I see pity there and my cheeks flare. I still can't say a damned thing. We fall into step again and it doesn't seem to take long for us to reach our destination. We enter a small courtyard with washing hung between the houses. There's a set of stairs to the right, and they lead up to the houses. We follow Levi up and then pause when he does. Is it already unlocked? He reaches out to the side, dislodging a brick easily and then plucking a key out from the hole created. Like he'd never left. He then leads us inside and the door is locked again as soon as we're through.

"Don't wander from this house. You might as well take your gear off, Kenny will have told them all to leave us alone."

"Them?" Mikasa questions, and Levi nods as he tugs off his cape and hangs it on a hook.

"Every scumbag in this place is likely under his thumb now, he was on the verge of that before I left, so I doubt he changed tact once I was gone. I'll see about some water and heat. Jeager, see what you can find in those cupboards." He gestures to the kitchen before descending into the basement.

We're all very quiet as we sit in the small living room. It was a home, a place that the Captain had been a civilian in for a long time before he was recruited. To us, it was downright surreal to even be here. There's some clanking from down below, and Eren jolts into action, looking through cupboards and murmuring his findings to himself. I look to Jean, his eyes fixed on our oddly forlorn comrade, but when he looks back to me he just shrugs. He didn't seem to understand it either. It was good to not be alone in confusion at least. It was also good that someone else had noticed Eren's changed demeanour.

There's a loud clank from downstairs and some groaning of pipes, but then a gentle thrumming as well. Footsteps climb back up the stairs and Levi appears, wiping his hands on an old rag. Seemed to be a success as a small, slightly proud smile is in place.

"Old thing still works..." he murmurs, not seeming to really be talking to us. He then looks to the kitchen. "So? What you find?"

"A couple tins of old tea and what used to be flour I think. Not much else except cups and crockery..." Eren's voice drifts off as a knock comes at the door.

He looks to the Captian, who nods and approaches the door from the other side, his smaller blade drawn. Eren goes to the door and clasps the handle tightly. He shares another nod with the Captain and then throws the door open. They both tense up, we all do, but then there's no one there. Instead there's a basket left on the doorstep. Levi tilts his head whilst Eren checks outside, clasping the basket and bringing it in.

"Seems Kenny wasn't the only one to know you were coming back, sir." Eren says, pulling back the small cloth on top to reveal some food supplies inside. Levi nods and then goes into the cupboards, brings out an old kettle to fill up and sets it on the stove that he lights easily.

"Well brats, go claim a room. Two of you will need to share, so I'd suggest Jean and Eren." Levi says, turning and leaning back against the counter. Mikasa glances to me and then to him. "Yes, Ackerman I'll be sharing with Sanshi, problem?" He challenges with a slight glint to his eye. She shakes her head and takes her stuff up stairs. "The room at the top on the left is mine." He calls, Jean and Eren also heading upstairs.

I stay on the sofa, not trusting my knees to work right now. The kettle thrums into life, the water churning inside. The floorboards upstairs creak, and I hear chatter break out. It really was like a home. Like a normal family haven. I clasp my hands together tightly, sitting about as rigidly as I can.

"So... he was there." Levi murmured. I hear him approach, the soft creak of these floorboards nearly soothing. I nod and my knuckles get a little pale. "You didn't remember him until now?" I shake my head. "Guess you must have focused on the um... the..."

"The main event." I say in a raspy breath, sucking another in between my teeth.

Dammit composure, come back to me? The shadows were really thick down here, no sunlight to burn them off. I hear a sigh leave him and he kneels down in front of me, taking my hands in his. I stare at our clasped hands, I can't meet that gaze. I can't.

"Come on, Robyn. Together?" He says, waiting and once again being too patient with me. I look at him and feel my teeth sink into my bottom lip. He's searching for something. "What can I do?"

"Endure me." I sniff and try to smile, trying to laugh it off, but he isn't buying it. He can see through my shit too easily now. He shakes his head and puts a hand to my cheek. Only when touched by that steady hand do I realise I'm outright trembling now.

"I'd never think of you like that, Robyn. You know that somewhere in here." His fingers trace my temple and I smile for real this time, it hinting on his lips too. "Seems like we might have yet another connection against him though."

"Hm?"

"Kenny could wriggle out of Valarie's claims, but being in your memory? And confirming that himself? That'll be hard to dodge."

"So th-this might have actually helped?" I say and he nods, making my heart calm a little bit. He nods, and I chuckle. "You're getting too good at covering for me, Levi."

"Nah, I think I'm just catching up on helping you as much as you've helped me." He says, and I feel like I only know half of what he's saying. I put my hand over his and nuzzle. "We're gonna get some answers, Robyn. We're getting closer to taking them down. I promise."

"I believe you." I hum, and then I look around the place. "So, this is where you lived? Is it... is it where you lived when you left?"

"Yeah, it is." He gets up and sits on the sofa next to me. He looks around, leaning on his knees and smiling softly. He suited this place, I had to say - the living room I mean, not the dank gloom. "That was Isabel's chair, and that one was Farlan's." He says, pointing to each in turn and shaking his head. "Creatures of habit, both of them."

"You are too."

"Guess I am..." He smirked and shook his head. I leaned against his shoulder.

"Did either of them end up drinking their tea like you, or anything like that?"

"Nah... but I made them clean as well as I did."

"I can believe that." I chuckle, looping my arms round his, glad of the warmth. "You really made yourself a proper home here, Levi. It's great..."

"It's little more than a shack." He notes, and I nudge him with my chin.

"I meant that it's great you made the home, that you didn't just let yourself linger alone down here."

"My mother always encouraged me to do things properly." He explained, and I'll admit I'm surprised. Usually he needed more prompting when it came to discussing his past. He blinks slow. "Clean the pots, sort the cupboards, make the home a tidy place... she was a hard worker, even when she got ill." He smiles, ghosts in his eyes as he hangs his head slightly. "She always tried to get me to go out and play with the other kids... never really worked though."

"Can't really say you seem like the 'playing' type." I hum, and he leans his head against mine now. A sigh leaves him, and I can't tell what kind it was.

"It's more of a case that I didn't want to leave her alone... she always seemed to get bruises when I did." He said quietly.

I feel like being back in that place was further crumbling his walls. Familiar places, familiar sights, it was making more cracks in his facade. Normally I'd be fascinated, thrilled even to peer into his soul. But right now, I'm worried. This place was dangerous, it was the reason his walls had been so tightly held together in the first place. I reckon Kenny had a lot to do with that as well, so Levi allowing himself some weakness might not be the best idea. But I also can't quite bring myself to stop him either. He turns, eyes closed as he leans against me still. I lean back on the sofa and he comes too, apparently exhausted as he relaxes against me.

Absent-mindedly, as the kettle thrums and starts to wine, I stroke a hand through his hair. I knew he would move as soon as there was the sound of steps on the stairs, but for now he stayed put. It was nice. It was homely. What would it be like if we ever got our own place, if we ever got out of the military and tried to make a home for ourselves? I look down at him and smile, would I welcome him home, rub his shoulders, and prepare the dinner? Or would he cook whilst I took a long soothing bath? I chuckle to myself, such idealistic images, and yet there we sat in a hole in the ground, surrounded by rats of varying sizes.

I guess my imagination wasn't doing too badly these days.

* * *

 **SO there we go, we are finally IN the Underground! And we have met Kenny, enough bloody build-up eh? Hope you guys enjoyed and see you in 3-4 weeks! thanks for reading, please leave a fav, follow and or review, I love to hear from you guys! This site is pretty quiet at the moment huh?**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **JaylaFireGal:** Thanks so very much! I'm glad you liked the chapter, I was a bit apprehensive about going into such detail about Robyn's fateful day, but yeah, glad you liked it! I'm also glad you ship them, haha, it's great to know when I've convinced people with my work! I hope this chapter was as good for you! Thanks for reviewing, see you next time!

 **Grimm:** I'm glad you liked the reprieve I gave Erwin, I thought he had earned it to be honest. It breaks my heart when people just turn him into a monster. He has had to abandon his humanity to deal with monsters; inside and outside the walls. So I like the play on both sides of him if i can. Yeah Valarie sunk her claws in good and tight, but that was all it took. Things between Robyn and Eren will come to a head eventually, don't worry I won't just leave it as an unsaid thing, but yeah, Mikasa does need to man up to her feelings. I'm glad you... well... I don't know if you 'enjoyed' the beginning of the chapter, but 'intense' it a fitting word anyway! Yeah Vincent broke, he snapped like a rubber band. Eren is confused in all honesty, and I also hope I've never made it seem like Robyn was leading him on? No one has ever said that, but I do wonder. She genuinely doesn't see Eren in that light, and has never sought to, nor to encourage his affections... hmm. Anyway! Thanks for reviewing, hope you enjoyed this chapter, see you next time!

 **Sebastian:** Hello old friend! So glad you enjoyed the writing, it was meant to be intense so I'm glad it came across properly! Thanks for chiming in as usual and I hope this update was good for you! See you next time!

 **Chrissy:** I'm glad you are enjoying re-reading! I do plan to go back through the earlier chapters and edit them up to standard. But I'm glad you're enjoying nonetheless!


	54. HAITUS notice

**SORRY I MADE A BRAINFART TYPO AND HAD TO CHANGE IT, YOU'RE NOW GETTING LIKE 6 EMAILS FOR THIS. SOOOOOORRY.**

 **Hello hello hello my lovely readers, this isn't an update no, sorry about that, but it is IMPORTANT if you're following me and my stories.  
**

 **My new schedule of updating every 3-4 weeks, whilst having thus far managed to keep to it, has made something kinda apparent to me. Especially in the last month. I seem to be depending on reviews for motivation - and frankly guys, that's NOT fair to you or to me. I'm going from upload to upload looking at reviews to keep me going. So that's my failing, I'm sorry about that, but apparently its a thing. *THE MORE YOU KNOW***

 **Initially I started writing these stories because I wanted to, because I HAD to in order to get the ideas out of my head after being so inspired by the Anime and Manga. But now I wonder if that still applies. I'm still loving writing them of course, don't worry, nothing is about to suddenly be dropped or rushed to the finale. I've put too much time into them to suddenly drop/abanon/rush. I just feel like I need to take some time out of the constant conveyor belt of updates. Especially when no one seems all that bothered about whether the content is there or not.**

 **CW is due for update now/within the next few days, so I do INTEND to update that BEFORE I go on Haitus. But I don't think RBW will.**

 **To sum it up. In the past month, my update for CW had 2 reviews (with 1 more a few chapters back), and RBW had 1. Now to be fair, that could simply be that you guys weren't impressed, and that you're sat there right now reading this thinking - well yeah, I didn't review because it was crap, woman, why should I? And fair enough, however, if that is the case guys... you need to tell me, I WANT to know if I'm buggering it up. I really do. I promise I can take it, believe it or not, I have a thick skin, more like a feckin' exoskeleton by this point tbh. But from silence, I don't know how anything has been received recently. I have a handful of regular reviewers that normally review without fail, and they are AMAZING to do so in such a regular manner. But seriously, newcomers, or simply silent readers, I need you guys to speak up.**

 **Is it working, is it not?**

 **Do you think more action needs to happen, more fluff, more smutt, more canon, less canon? Do I need to add some god damed flamethrower weilding unicorns?  
**

 **I ain't saying I'll follow things to the letter, but it would be intriguing to know where my readers are at.**

 **Because right now, i am flying blind.**

 **Reviews are basically my form of currency. I put a lot of effort in, I hope that is properly translated in the final product - if not, sorry. But really, if you're a writer on here and you don't review? Kinda shame on you, fellow writers should know and understand the frustration of getting nothing back after putting so much effort in. And if you are only a reader on here, give a little back to those that entertain you? I made a small slice of this issue apparent on my recent CW update, so for those of you only reading that, sorry, this is a rerun. But having moved onto working on RBW, I found myself once again dragged down by the fact I had received only 1 review in a month. 1?! For an update of nearly 7000 words. And that single review was my absolute hero in all honesty. Now to be fair again, that reviews was HUGE, amazingly so, I am NOT saying everyone needs to do the same. I respond to every review, no matter how small. (Okay I tend to ignore the 'update' ones because... bitch please)**

 **So yeah, before I burn out and end up going radio silent without meaning to, this is me officially saying to you guys that I am on temporary HAITUS. Might be one month, might be two, but at least until the 24th OF MAY, I won't like be updating anything except hopefully CW in the next couple of days (that is also a bit questionable).**

 **Don't worry, this isn't a case of "WAAH I'M NOT UPDATING TILL I HAVE ANOTHER 50 REVIEWS WAAAAH" because bugger that shit, I'm not doing that. Nothing is being held hostage here. I just find myself frustrated by the lack of communication thats going on on this site right now. It goes through peaks and valleys for sure, but right now is definitely a valley and I am feeeeeeling it! (That came our pervier than it was intended to... och well)**

 **So hopefully I will see you guys in a month. I think either way I'll post an update NOTE. So don't worry i won't disappear.  
**

 **I'll just leave it at this - please take the time to review, it takes a total of what? 30 seconds, a minute at most to type something into the review section at the bottom? If you can take a half hour (or however long) to read 7-8000 words of someone's work (which likely took them several days to write, edit, review and edit another 5 god damned times), then you can take that extra time to say 'liked this part', 'that shit was insane', 'what the hell were you thinking when you did that? Put the booze down woman your tits are out of control' or whatever you felt at the time. And not just for me, for anyone else you're reading on here. It's a labour of love Fanfiction, and I write as a career anyway, but right now? Damn do I feel drained.**

 **Thanks for your time, see you guys again on the 24/05/2017 with another note. Either extending the haitus or concluding it. Time shall tell i guess, thanks for the patience.**

 **CHEERIO MY LOVELIES, and sorry if this is a disappointment, but I know it's for the best.**

 **P.S During my haitus i will likely be doing more artwork, its great for recharging and for taking occasional breaks from my person project converting RBW into entirely my own work. So feel free to check out my Deviantart if you like, same username as on here. Similarly instagram (again same username), i'll be on there jabbering away.**


	55. END OF HIATUS NOTEINFORMATION

**Hello hello hello! Haitus is officially over, my lovely readers! I am pairing this 'notice' along with the update for Chained Wings that is coming tomorrow so I can give it another edit. But fear not fans of Red Burning Wings, and Flight From Darkness, those updates will be along next week I promise. I feel recharged, and am in fact right now having a week off from my personal project. Safe to say, the zen was needed!**

 **My new schedule of updating every 3-4 weeks will remain in place for the time being. I may alter it if I find myself becoming drained again sooner rather than later, but that will simply be a case of seeing how it goes! I certainly plan to stick to the 3-4 weeks though.**

 **If you've been following me on instagram you will likely already know this, but I have managed to do some planning for all three stories and am now feeling reinvigorated to write them. So I think that's helped with the motivation issue - BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING, it's been your lovely responses to my notice. A LOT of you who have previously been silent, spoke up, and I am sincerely thankful for that! Please keep doing it, not just for myself, but for any writer you enjoy on this site. It seriously helps, and it just makes us want to write more content, which after all is likely what you want, right?**

 **Over the past month I have had a fairly steady stream of reactions from regular readers/ new faces through reviews etc and it's all been so very encouraging indeed. Thank you, sincerely thank you from the bottom of this oh so wayward heart.**

 **Reviews remain very important to me. Please let me know your reactions, all the good and bad. I have recently had a couple people wondering if my later chapters have made Levi a little too OOC (in CW and RBW I think, off the top of my head) and so when I EVENTUALLY go back over and edit these chapters up to my current standard of writing, I will be keeping an eye out for that. I mean, aside from obviously needed character development that is - if he didn't change at all, he'd be dead, right? But I looked over some recent chapters and I totally agree, I got too wrapped up in my own storylines and I think I let the consistency slip. Very sorry for that *bops nose with newspaper repeatedly* Baaaad author, haha! But you see? This is the kinda stuff I don't always notice myself! I need you guys to throw the damned potatoes at me and yell "OI! OOC woman, stahp it!" or whatever you feel at the time, and feel free to choose a softer form of produce...**

 **I am also thinking updates might become a liiiittle shorter, I started off at like 4000 or so for each, and it's gradually crept up. Dunno how strict I'll be about that though, I certainly won't cut stuff out simply to stick to that - i only mean I'll maybe not force myself to get to the 7000 mark if I haven't managed it off the cuff with what I inteded for that update. Does that make sense? Ach I dunno.**

 **I do apologise about those of you who have now been waiting 2 months for CW, but really I just ended up writing crapola for that update, and knew it was because of my mindset. Not fair to you guys, so I hope the wait is worth it for this update.**

 **So I'm glad to be back, thanks for all the wonderful support! I will be responding to reviews with each story's next update as per usual. So if you did reach out, then you will be responded to, I promise. You've all been wonderful, thank you sincerely! And to anyone still holding their tongue because they 'don't know what to say' heck, just say hi, 'i like this bit, this bit was stupid, why not more of this?' Really, I ain't expecting poetry guys. I actually loathe the stuff, so please no verse ;)**

 **I'll just leave it at this once again - please take the time to review, it really pays off. It does. It really is a labour of love fanfiction, and I'm so very glad to have had that rekindled. Thank you! Again, I'll be updating Chained Wings tomorrow. Red Burning Wings and Flight From Darkness will be getting their updates next week sometime.  
**

 **So HELLO AGAIN MY DEARS, sorry if I annoyed anyone, but I know this was for the best.**


	56. Tangled

**Hello! Hope everyone's still here. This story is still so very quiet, but oh well, guess it's been going on so long that's kinda to be expected.**

 **Hope you all enjoy the update, I hope to have FFD updated soon as well. Thanks.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

 **Note: Manga stuff here and there, warning applied.**

* * *

He sits there with that damned cigar in his mouth. I want to punch it down his throat. I know that smirk, I remember that arrogance now. He came round fairly regularly to my childhood home, didn't he? Now that my shock had cooled to anger, I felt stronger. I knew who this was now, at least. If he hadn't said anything, I might have still been torn up, I might have still been wavering over why I knew him. Wondering where I knew that cruel gaze, or stinking cigar smell. But he'd shown his hand. What a damned fool.

Levi hadn't said much about him, I hadn't had the guts to inquire either. Before Kenny showed up, I'd tried to separate myself from it all. I'd tried to put it back into the perspective of learning about the White Cloaks. But it was proving to be a tricky bastard to deal with. It's hard. I can't separate myself from it like I want to. Kenny was there, he was the man that yelled with my father and got him so wound up that night. Hell, maybe he's the reason it even happened.

What would have happened if Kenny hadn't turned up that day?

How would my life had worked out differently?

I can't help but think like that. Maybe that's just selfishness, or maybe that's just how this place works. The Underground, its so small, so cramped, you can't really think outside the box when it's looming over you. I shake my head and focus on the conversation, but frankly, Levi isn't getting anywhere. He's asking about old connections, and old allies. Thing is, Kenny clearly doesn't see him as part of this world any more, its there in every disdainful glint of his beady eyes. By leaving, Levi had clearly wounded this guy's pride, as least I assume it's pride, it doesn't seem to be affection.

This was pointless.

I look around, but everyone else seems too intimidated to do anything right now. I feel it too, it keeps dancing along my spine whenever the man's gaze lands on me. Hell, I'm halfway to just slipping into the past and reliving that day over and over. But I can't. This wasn't the time, nor the place. Too many pieces had been moved in order for this trip down here to happen. It was why we had staged the Commander's death, why we had done the full funeral charade, why he and Keza were now hauled up in mountains. We were here for a reason, to stop this deranged cult from recruiting more unknowing children and warping them. Perhaps we could even find out where their source was. Kill the cult's nest.

When Levi once again hits a brick wall of conversation, sipping his tea simply to calm his temper, I lean forward and immediately have Kenny's attention. It's like a rabid dog, just looking for something else to bite.

"C'mon Kenny, after all the things I've heard about you? From all the stories, it didn't sound like Kenny the Ripper was the type to nestle under a royal thumb."

"Stories can be misleading, little lady." He shrugged and drew on the cigar again, embers flaring before once again dying back. His eyes were deeply set, and they were ever watching. I doubt he missed much at all.

I click my tongue and drum my nails. "Well I mean, we know a few things already, the White-Cloaks must be still kinda screwed."

"How'd you figure?" He murmured, chewing on that cigar end like a mongrel with his bone. I tilt my head.

"Well, why would they still be recruiting kids if they were actually making progress? My guess? Thanks to you bringing up that fucking day in my past, seems I had a couple things still to remember. My Dad was working on something for you." I say and I feel everyone's eyes on me. I hadn't said anything, mainly because I can't decipher between when I know and what I've dreamt up. It's been a long time, the mind can imagine a lot. Kenny's jaw tightened.

"You've got no idea what you're meddling with."

"You've got no idea how much of a cliché you just sounded." I sigh and watch the embers flare. "So, if I'm right about Daddy dearest, then my guess would also be that the Cloak's are still trying to do whatever it was they had my Dad working on. Hence all the kids they're recruiting."

His eyes tighten slightly, so I'm at least in the right area. I glance at Levi and see his reservation. I knew that look, I'd given it to any friends that had come home after school. It was a warning about the person in question's temper. A warning to back off. To stay quiet. So Kenny had a temper, good to know, that meant he had a lid to blow off as well.

"So you really did mess up, that night." I murmur, sitting back and setting my lips into a thin line. Kenny mirrors the look, his cigar wobbled slightly. "You waltz in, stir things up, and boil him over. Whole house with notes included goes up in flames, and as far as you or the 'family' know. I'm dead. I mean... there's fuck ups, and then there's that."

"Watch your mouth, runt." Kenny snarls, spitting out his cigar and laying a hand flat on the table. He was armed, I knew this, but he was also sitting in a room with a group of highly trained Scouts. For all I'd heard, the man was no fool, he wouldn't do a damned thing to me. Or even if he tried, I was on the other end of the table, that was a lot of Scouts to get through before he even got within reach. "Who would care if you'd lived or not?"

"You called me the skinny thing everyone was waiting for. I can only assume you meant your employers." I quip and he actually makes a gruff growling noise. The waters were churning. "So why _weren't_ you fired, or even killed? Who'd you bend over for?" I sneer and watch those eyes burn with anger. I'd not only highlighted his failings, but oh dear, was I hurting his pride too? Silly me.

"Seriously, wench, shit it."

"Or is it simply that you work to fix the issue until you die, now?"

"You've no idea what you're talking about, wench! I ain't under anyone's thumb. If anythin' you are. All of you are." He cast a grimy hand around the table, I think everyone's nose wrinkled in that moment. "You all followin' that Smith git around like lost souls, and now? Now you've latched on to the Midget here instead. Ever had an independent thought in your lives?" He casts his disdain around next. I watch the jaws clench and backs straighten.

Eren full-on glares. "We simply all fight for the same thing, something I doubt you'd understand." Eren muttered between his teeth.

"Aye, and ye don't even bloody know what that is." Kenny snarled at Eren. "At least I have a clue!" He slams his hand down on the table, and I stare at that hand. He was frustrated. He was penned in.

"You want to say more." I mutter, frowning as I meet those eyes again and see indecision. Maybe that was it. Maybe he did still have a connection to Levi, and he wanted to help. He just didn't know how. I lean forward and narrow my eyes. "Where are the recruitment drives? You're not directly involved."

"How the hell've you figured that one?" He growled, hand now slowly curling into a fist. Poor man had no idea how much of an open book he was to me right now. The amount of times I had danced through a conversation like this with my father? Come on, if anyone is gonna be practised at this, it's gonna be me.

"You don't like kids. You don't give a damn about kids, so I highly doubt you're the one they send in to persuade them into helping. It'd be like trying to calm someone down by throwing a bear at them."

He stares at me hard.

I think I'm right.

"You just know about them, right? Sent down to supervise or something? To show the White-Cloaks the best place to try and gather troops?" I carry on, hoping he might bite. But the man's shoulders tense up, he was recoiling more. Dammit.

Levi leans forward. "Kenny, just give us the area. We don't even need the exact location. They would never know it was-"

"Shut it, midget. I know how the world works, and I know they wouldn't trace it back to me." Kenny snaps, his glare shifting to me. "This boils down to somethin' more than me 'bending over' for ma boss."

I just stare him down. I wasn't about to back away when I'd clearly gotten under his skin.

"This comes down to me wanting to help or not." Kenny continues, and Eren leans away, it was unsurprising, after all, the man looked a little feral in that moment.

Levi sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "And why wouldn't you? This is about more than our petty shit, Kenny. Seriously, look at the bigger picture here. This is kids we're talking about."

"Aye, and I would care about that because?"

"Because at one point you did count as human." Levi murmured quietly, and it sounded like the hammer of a gun being pulled back. Silence fell heavily upon the room, and everyone was slightly leaning away. Even I was. Kenny's eyes went around us all, lingering on me before he sighed and closed his eyes, a clicking noise indicating he was lighting up again. The embers in his cigar had finally died.

"If I have to spill my guts about this, I ain't doin' in front of brats. Fuck off out of here and let the adults talk." He gives a dismissive wave of his hand, the deep lines on his face highlighted in the orange glow of the match currently bringing his cigar to life. We all look to our Captain, not moving for anyone else.

Levi nods. "If it's what he wants, might as well give it to him. Jean, go get some wood for the furnace. Jeager, go on patrol with Mikasa in the surrounding area. Any issue, come right back here. Robyn? Go upstairs." He nodded to us all and our chairs groaned against the woodwork.

I almost head out with Jean instead, but when Levi's eyes linger on me, I think better of it. He didn't want me out of the house right now, and considering the mess I ended up in earlier, I can't blame him. Stable wasn't the word for me right now, I guess. Then again, was it ever? I head to the stairs whilst the others grab their cloaks. I feel a bit useless, but if it gave Levi some peace-of-mind, I'd make do.

As the back door clicks shut with Jean leaving, and Eren and Mikasa head out with their gear clanking away, I linger on the stairs. I know I'd been specifically asked to leave, but I can't help it. They hadn't begun talking and my ears were already burning. Levi had singled me out for a reason, and whilst it could just be concern, I have to consider its that he expects something about me to come up. Perhaps that's just me ego though. Either way, I wanted to know what was going on. This place had demons for Levi, and I didn't like the idea of him hiding from me. Not at all.

"All right, they're gone. Now come on, Kenny. Spit it out."

"These recruitment drives have been going on for years, you really think it's gonna matter much if you stop em' now?"

"If it means stopping even more kids being brainwashed into this White-Cloak nonsense, then yeah. I do. I get that you hate me for leaving, but whether you believe it or not, I still give a damn about this place. I owe it to _them_ to keep this place in mind."

"Them? Aw... the two ya went dragging along with you and got killed?" Kenny chuckles and I flinch back. Levi's friends from when he first left, it's all I can presume right now. Really I needed to ask him about them more. All we seemed to do was outrun my past, perhaps I could ask to delve into his a little more?

"Where are the drives?" Levi asks again, voice dangerous now. I doubt he enjoys anyone belittling his loss, let alone his 'uncle'. I hear the soft pat of a cigar against the small bowl we'd set out for his ashes. The smell slowly fills up the room.

"Ya remember, Chai?" Kenny begins, "that weird wee wench that runs the orphanage on the South side?"

"Vaguely."

"Well she got thrown out a while back, see? Killed or somethin' I'd imagine, was years ago, but anyway, they set up shop in her old house. That's all I really know to be honest. Pointed them in the right direction of where the brats went around here... then I was told to come down and supervise the trainin'. I ain't got much more of a hand in things than the feckin' King does in cleanin' toilets."

"That literally made no sense, old man." Levi sighs and his chair creaks. He'd be leaning back, taking in the information and trying to run with it. I didn't know who this Chai was, but I'm guessing she was the Governness of an orphanage. Poor woman had likely just been trying to do some good in this dark place, and all she'd done was put a target on her back, and every kid under her care. What a mess. How had Levi survived this place with any shred of humanity left? Then again, maybe it was down to those friends he lost, or indeed his own mother.

"So ye satisified now? I told ye where te go. But I ain't fucking holdin' your hand and walking over there."

"I didn't ask you to,"

"I got a good thing going where I am, and I ain't wanting you to screw that up for me. Am I understood, boy?" Kenny demanded and I hear another weary sigh from Levi. He must be exhausted.

"Yes, yes, very intimidating. I don't give a damn what you're doing outside of this Kenny, I never have. What I do want to know though, is why the hell you seem to know, Robyn."

"Thought she was just a random cadet?" Kenny chuckles, and I can feel that sneering smirk from here. I shudder.

"What she is, or isn't, doesn't matter. Your presence is messing with her more than it should be. You're really not that frightening, so I know you're involved with her messed up past somehow." Levi says and I'm impressed by the composure. He was keeping those lines well blurred. Good job, Captain.

"Y'know some people find me pretty scary."

Was Kenny pouting?

"Some people haven't fought Titans first-hand. Some people didn't have psychotic bastards, worse than you, for a father. So I'll ask again, why do you know her? What was your involvement? Call it a favour if you must, but what the hell was your involvement in all this?"

"Ye say its a favour, and yet I know I'll never see the return of it. What the heck is in it for me?"

"Consider it some pay-back for fuckin' abandoning me down here." Levi muttered and I felt the coldness sweep the room. And he had the gal to once sum my issues up as 'daddy issues'?! Hypocrite. Their chairs squeak and I lean against the wall. Come on Kenny, give me something here, my head's going to explode if you don't. Why were you there that night? What was your hand in my Father's work? If it even was that.

"Look kid, I ain't tellin' ye why I was there beyond the fact that the redhead basically got it. They're still doin' freaky shit with syringes. But... havin' said that, even I can see your attachment to the wench, so I'm gonna let you in on a little secret."

"And that is?"

"You need to let her go. Call me a sentimental fool, but I see no reason for you getting' wrapped up in a wench that ain't in the window for sale."

There's a long silence.

I can hear Jean outside thwacking bits of wood into submission. He swears every so often and I can only assume the logs keep moving. I can't hear wires, so I assume Mikasa and Eren's patrol is just carrying on, uninterrupted. But this bubble right here. It feels fit to burst. I wasn't for sale? I... what the hell did that even mean? I wait, listening to the men stare at each other as the tension rolls up another notch.

"You fancy explaining that any further?" Levi sighed, sounding bored above all else. There's a click of a tongue and another few pats of a cigar against the bowl.

"Doesn't really need explainin'."

"Kenny..." Levi groaned and I heard his chair shove back slightly. He'd be leaning on his knees, head in his hands as he gave into frustration. I doubt he has many walls for Kenny. After all, he had been partially raised by the man, a lot of his mannerisms probably came from that.

"Look, she ain't yours to have, she ain't anyone's."

I swallow hard, words echoing in my head.

" _She ain't your property."_

" _She isn't yours either, dammit!"_ I shiver as those weird memories echo. This conversation, it was too damned familiar for my liking.

"I have never claimed her as mine, you went ahead and did that one. Robyn's not owned by anyone either, stop saying that like it's a damned fact."

"Oh but it is boy, it has been before she went and fell out her mother." Kenny laughed and I grit my teeth. That man should not be allowed to even think about my mother, let alone speak of her in such a way. My nails dig into my palms. I have to keep a lid on this and see where it goes, but my god do I want to throw this old piece of fossilised shit into the street.

"Then who is it that supposedly owns her? C'mon Kenny, at least have the balls to tell me that much." Levi challenged, playing it well. I'm glad he has more composure than I do, my eyes are warm and my heart's hammering. I feel like chains are slinking around my ankles and wrists. Just what did that mean? I was owned? I always had been?

"The long and short of it? Daddy Vincent was tasked with makin' her into the royal's next big weapon or somethin', I dunno, he was a crackpot and he fucked it up. Supposedly he was this medical genius, but it never got anywhere, and we never saw results beyond the little red-headed shit being scared witless of her Daddy."

"A weapon? Kenny once again you're making zero sense." Levi says tiredly, and frankly I am right there with him. I lean against the wall and swallow hard. The hell was Kenny talking about? A weapon? How could I have been a weapon? If it was as simple as stabbing someone with the right syringe and pushing down, why all the secrets and cloak-and-dagger shit? That pain bubbles up behind my eye again.

"Look, I ain't the kind to know what this medical jargon is. All I can say is he was workin' with some bloke called Jeager at one point, but it all went tits up, research went to shit and then... well... it literally went up in flames. Though I will say this, they thought she were dead at first."

"They being... the royals? They assumed Robyn died in the fire?" Levi tries to translate, and I'm glad. Kenny isn't keen on pronouns apparently. I can only assume there was a silent nod as Levi continues. "When did they learn she was alive? Or have you helpfully reported that much, today?"

"Nah, I reckon they knew for a while. No one seemed surprised when I called it in. Guess I was the last to know, which should kinda show you how much power my sorry ass has in all this, boy."

"If she's so 'owned' then why was she never taken back? Robyn lived freely until she signed up for the military, and even then it was her own damned choice. Fill the holes in your story Kenny, or get the fuck out."

"Oi!" Kenny barked, my frame jolting at the suddenly sharp noise after their rumbling conversation. "I dunno what they knew or didn't, but they're royals, ain't they? All concerned about lineage and blood-shit. I can only _assume_ they wanted her to be able to pass on whatever he did to her, to her kids, but looky here, she's had a visit from the Nunnery ain't she? That'll be why they never bothered before, ya halfwit. She's as barren as dried up dirt."

I have to hand it to Kenny, that was fairly clear. Even Levi himself had surmised that much when we first heard about all this from that cadet who tried to stick me with a syringe. The royals didn't care about me because I was a dead-end for lineage. It feels like a lifetime ago now, but maybe it was all connected? I'm glad of the wall's support, my bones feel like jelly, whilst my head spins. I'd thought my father was just a crazy aggressive bastard, that he just... dammit I don't even really remember this 'medical' stuff. I remember the basement, I remember the beatings, I remember those creepy shadows, but really everything else is John and Mother. I guess a kid's memory does what it can. I put my hand to my head and try to breathe evenly, try to remember. But I'm getting nowhere, as per bloody usual.

Levi continues, doing his best to sound calm. "So why now? One of the little shits you recruited down here, tried to stick her with some syringe thing, seemed to be full of something rather Titan orientated. Know anything about that, Kenny? Or still blissfully ignorant?" The unimpressed tone is rather strong, I can taste it at the back of my throat. I can scarcely imagine the look on Levi's face right now, how his eyes must be burning with impatience.

"I dunno. Maybe they're attempts to pick up where Vincey left off failed? I dunno. I was sent to collect more rats, so I came to play ma pipe and collect em'. I ain't a player here, Levi, I'm keeping my pockets lined and my belly full. Ain't much more to expect from this life."

"Christ you're pathetic."

"Aye? Well, we'll see about that, okay? I reckon they're rattled by her bein' down here boy. You might wanna keep an eye on that wench."

"You just told me to let her go." Levi murmured, a chair moving and pacing beginning. It was his stride, Levi was getting tangled up in his own thoughts. Maybe even my Captain couldn't keep distance from this.

"Yeah, and I know you're a stubborn idiot, so ye likely won't listen."

"Fine..." Levi scuffs a boot off the ground "One last question, Kenny."

"You were never this feckin' curious when you were a kid."

"Do you think they'll try to take her, now that they know she's alive and well and down here? Do you think they might do that? I don't want those low-lives getting hold of her."

"Again." Kenny quips.

Levi's pacing slows, and then it stops. "Excuse me?"

"They had her locked up right? With you as well?"

What? He knew? I shiver.

"From what I heard, you became a bit of a Ripper yourself, and she had herself a merry old time with her legs splayed open." Kenny laughed and then there's a clattering of wood. I look towards the foot of the stairs, a cigar rolls into view, gently smoking still. I hear gasping breaths and can only assume Levi has the man pinned to the floor.

"Were you there then, too?" Levi demands, walls gone and fury on fully display. I take a shaky step back down the stairs, silent. A thump hits off the floor. "Tell me, dammit!"

"I wasn't there... no... but they told me about it... when I talked to them after... seein' you on the street... I can talk easier without... the choke hold..."

More scuffling sounds and a swift thump of a boot against something. Likely stomach or ribs.

"And you're still going to work for them, knowin' what they did?"

"You're basically... a stranger, boy. This world does shitty things to strangers every damned day. You got your reasons for sticking with the wench when she's brought you nothin' but trouble, and I got my reasons for bein' loyal to my boss. Each to their own." Kenny brushes himself down, his leather coat swishing with every swipe. I sit down on the stairs and bite my lip, there was too much tangled up in this. I hate it. So much of what Valarie said was ringing through as true. I was somehow connected to the royals, at least I was willing to see it like that. I know Kenny could be lying, I know he was hardly a pillar of honesty, but why would he lie about that? He had no motive.

"So basically, this is leading to the royals wanting to make their own Titans. Robyn was intended for that sick project, and is somehow still connected to it now. That about sum it up?" Levi lists it off, between his teeth.

"Guess it does, for the time bein'."

"Then get the fuck out. Don't come to this door again, hear me?"

"Yeah, yeah, boy, I get it. You're the boss." Kenny laughs and I hear his coat swish again. He strides towards the door, it creaks open. "You can go ahead and come out now, lass. I ain't gonna bite ya." The door slams shut.

I stay perfectly still. Kenny had known I was there the whole damned time. I sigh and listen to Levi approach, his eyes cautious, but apparently unsurprised when they land on me. He dips down to pick up the cigar, it twirling in his fingers.

"He could be lying."

"He could not be." I say with a shrug, and Levi chucks the cigar into a nearby bin. "I don't remember anything like medical shit but... that doesn't mean it didn't happen." I breathe, and Levi comes over to sit next to me on the stair.

"I told you to go upstairs."

"Sorry, sir, old habits of being a little skinny shit, I guess." I mumble and he nudges me, his version of a comforting smile in place when I look at him. He was being too kind, he was clearly unnerved by all this.

The back door opens and Jean cautiously steps inside. "Um... hello?"

"Carry on, Jean, the old bastard's gone." Levi sighed, smoothing his hair back and standing again before Jean came into view. Jean held a pile of wood, and looked between me and the Captain with a raised brow.

"Everything all right?"

"Superb, we were just discussing how wonderful the weather's been today." Levi quipped and a blush bloomed on Jean's cheeks, poor guy. I smile at him and wink, the young man nodding to me. He goes downstairs and sorts out the furnace, before reappearing to wipe his slightly sooty hands. I head into the kitchen and lean against a counter.

"We have a location now, Jean. So... progress has been made." I explain when Levi doesn't bother to follow up with an actual explanation. He enjoyed messing with us a little too much sometimes.

"We'll head out early tomorrow, and see what we can find. Make sure this place is secure and then get to bed, brats. We're in for one hell of a day tomorrow, I bet." Levi said before he headed past me and up the stairs, stride weary and shoulders slightly slumped.

* * *

 **There we go, some more groundwork before big action coming up, but really it should also help everyone remember where the heck we are. Then again, might have bored you to death!**

 **Please leave a fav, follow and review. The reviews really do matter.**

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 **Guest (you also commented on CW):** Apologies for not titling the previous chapter on CW, but I would point out 'clickbait' indicates that I actually get something for you clicking on the link. I don't. There are no adds here etc. so sorry about the mis label issue, but really I doubt it wasted more than about 30 seconds of your time.

 **Sebastian:** Thanks for the understanding. I guess for me its more of an issue, as this is my hobby, not my 'real' writing. Perhaps not the right word, but I have my 'real' writing where I'm aiming to earn from it etc. and this which I do for the love of the show/fandom, so I really love knowing how people react etc. but anyway, you're one of my star regular reviewers, so thank you for the ongoing support. Hope this update was to your liking!

 **Fairytactician:** Good to see you here as well, thanks for checking out my other works. You wanted MORE gore when she killed those two men? Lol, okay! I thought I went to far with how it was to begin with! But hey ho, each to their own I guess. I'm sure there will be more smutt at some point, but right now it might be a little... tense for that. Haha! I will keep that suggestion in mind though, thank you for reviewing, and I hope you enjoyed the update!

 **ChrissyKinz6:** Thanks for the support, glad to have you still here! I really needed a recharge and I think I have that. But considering how the readership for this story has slowed recently, and even with the Haitus I have had not much of a response (Chained Wings was STOWED with responses) I may have to make these updates shorter in futute. Simply to avoid burning about again, if that makes sense? But thank you for the sentiment, it's actually becoming rare for people to prefer this story over Chained Wings. I dunno why! And I am glad to be back, I have plenty more planned as well! See you soon, and hope you enjoyed the update!


	57. Puppet

**Hello readers, another update, another month. Whoooop. Season 2 is done now (still kinda miffed it was only 12 episodes, but oh well, I know what happens at least, haha!) By the way, what do you guys think of my new cover for this fic? :D i was just playing around with colour and shading etc. and decided to use it when I'd polished it up. Let me know!  
**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own I do own Keza and Robyn's sorry asses.  
**

 **Note: There is likely to be manga content in here somewhere, just in the story in general from now on. In all honesty, I sometimes lose track of what has been included in anime (either season) and what I'm using from Manga. So yeah, basically warnings all over the shop. But if you're reading fanfiction, you can't really expect to always avoid spoilers, right?  
**

* * *

We once again follow our Captain's lead, heading for the location Kenny had given us, and readying ourselves for a potential fight. Unless of course the old fossil was lying. Entirely possible. But if he is telling the truth, and we really are heading for the recruitment area, I hope there isn't much of a fight to have. Too many children would be involved. But then again, we couldn't just leave them to be manipulated into the White Cloak's schemes. That was far worse than them witnessing a little violence.

We traipse along the uneven cobbles, the populace either ignoring us, or avoiding us. Just like yesterday, like their lives would continue no matter what happened today. Then again, I guess it would. I can't help but be reminded of how fragile it all is. This world, it was made of glass. And not just down here. We, the Scouts, follow orders, we do as told, we toe the line. But beyond us, beyond the military and all its factions, that obedience was what everyone did. Every citizen, the ones that look down on us for being so foolish to head beyond the walls, to blindly follow orders that would surely get us killed. They were doing the same thing. They were just further sunk into it than we were, in so far as they didn't even know they were doing it. At least at the end of each day we hung up our capes, we talked to our comrades, we ended our duty occasionally. But they didn't. Their servitude never stopped. It was in every docile movement, every calm word about the government and acceptance of those that kept them penned in. Dammit, why hadn't I seen it before? Not only had my family been penned in by my Father's tyrannical madness, but he had also been penned in by the family. It didn't justify what he had done, but it won't have helped him avoid it either. The world was never black and white was it?

It's safe to say that no, my mind isn't focused today; it hasn't been since Kenny dredged up the past and laid it on the table. In fact, I don't think I've been right since we left HQ. My head was little better than soup by now. I just hope I don't suddenly get exhausted again and pass out. That would hardly help the mission now, would it?

Our pace slows and I look over Levi's shoulder to see a house at the end of the street. Or what was left of it. Really it was more of a husk now, and I could only imagine it had been hollowed out by flames or something like that. It wasn't fresh though, this had happened a long time ago. Years at least. We approach carefully, everyone vigilant, everyone alert. If something was gonna happen, it was gonna happen fast. But the closer we got, the more foolish we feel. There was nothing. Not a damned thing was out of place so far as we could tell. No sign of White Cloaks, no sign of stooges, not even a sign of children.

"Did the old bastard lie?" Levi spoke under his breath, seeming to speak more to himself than anyone else.

"Hey... guys?" Eren calls softly, and we all turn to him. He's peering down an alleyway. We follow suit and see a small child sitting very straight on top of a barrel, as though on lookout, about halfway down the alley. We approach slowly, Eren having been given the go ahead from Levi.

We head towards the kid, but suddenly its head snaps up and those big eyes just stare at us. Is that fear? Or amazement? Whatever that look is meant to be, it bores into us, those eyes shining in the gloom like two lanterns. They scan our uniform and then blink. The child jolts and scrambles off the barrel. I want to call out to it, to stop its retreat, but the little thing has already scampered off, disappearing down a set of stairs that led deeper into the earth. I look to Eren, but he's just slowly shaking his head. No, it wasn't a good sign was it? We head after it, not chasing, just walking in case the kid was still there to be frightened.

When we get to the stairs, we look down and find ourselves met with a small wooden door left ajar. Security wasn't best left to children. Then again, with the arrogance that had rolled off of Kenny, it seemed doubtful that those running these sick pens of recruitment, feared much down here. But surely Kenny would have warned them, no? Guess not. At least not so far as making them bolster their defences much. Or were they just wanting the fight somewhere we couldn't use our gear?

My mind whirs.

Maybe 'clunks' was more accurate.

Levi takes the lead, heading down and pushing the door slightly, peering in and then glancing back at us over his shoulder. Unreadable. His mask is back in place, and I feel that little bit calmer. We needed the Captain right now, not Levi. The walls of the Underground city seemed to be looming more and more with every passing minute, and I was starting to itch for the surface. I needed the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, to not feel this caged. I don't know how Levi endured it for so long, or how he managed to comprehend the outside world when he escaped. Over and over, I'm reminded why he's known as Humanity's Strongest. Over and over, I have it highlighted how little I deserve him.

"I want you all ready, but not trigger-happy. No sudden movements, keep in mind that this place is gonna be brimming with brats. We don't want innocent blood on our hands if we can help it... that gets spilled enough without us adding to it. Am I clear?"

A nod goes round the group.

He nods and heads into the darkness, Eren follows him and Mikasa after that. I head in after her, and hear Jean close the door behind himself. It's almost entirely black, and I reach out and take hold of Mikasa's arm. I can't help it, there was just nothing but darkness. At first she tensed, but then her other hand lands atop mine and squeezes. Maybe she had been unnerved as well, or maybe she was just feeling kind. I didn't like the dark, never had, the shadows writhe so easily within it, building in my skull with every shuffle of our leather boots. Come on, someone light a lantern, find the light please. I swallow hard, throat feeling tight all of a sudden, until finally I hear crackling flames, and I look up to a golden glow outlining the silhouette of my captain. I breathe easier, and Mikasa pats my hand, reminding me to let go before anyone else saw my panic.

As the corridor gets that little bit wider, Eren and Mikasa walk alongside each other, and Jean comes into the space next to me. We walk in careful silence, the slight clank of our gear the loudest thing above our rustling uniform. If this was somewhere they were keeping kids, then why was it so quiet? The shadows writhe again and I shake my head, there was no point in guessing like that, it would only drive me to distraction. After all the weird distractions of the past couple days, I needed to focus. This was now, this wasn't back then. Vincent was dead, so no matter the supposed connection between his work and this, it didn't matter. At the end of the day he was still rotted away in the grounds of HQ, no longer able to influence my life. That was the long and short of it. No point in turning shadows into boogey men.

"Hey..." Jean nudges me and I look to him, slightly startled.

He smiles softly and nods down to my hands, I look there and unclench them. My palms are pinked where my nails had dug in. What a tit I was, eh? Getting myself all wrapped up in things as usual. I smile back at him and he nudges again, a strong sense of comradery around me. We were all down here together, and as a team we could definitely do this. Maybe I wasn't useless, maybe I was just a little broken. Then again, had I ever seen them like this? Unnerved? Unstable? I try to think, but Jean had always been stable, he was the most grounded and normal guy I knew. In this world of madness, maybe that was more important than people realised. I'd have to make a point of thanking him, or something. I dunno, maybe he would just think I was being weird again. This place is sinking into me, making me feel like time is running out. Levi, how did you do it?

"Who goes there?" A voice bellows from up ahead, a slight clink of metal sounding as Mikasa took grip of a blade but I don't hear her draw it.

Cautious, just like Levi said.

"Who the fuck speaks like that?" Levi drawled back, more lights appear as we round a corner.

The voice ahead chuckles. "Well you ain't MP's then, those guys love to spout position and shit before actually talkin'. What you lot doin' down here? And what branch are ya?" the voice continues, obviously not able to see the seals on our capes yet. They didn't like MP's, that was obvious, and they'd have been warned about the Scouts by now surely, so the obvious way to go was...

"Just the Garrison, been sent down here on some bullshit job by the MP's. They wanted us to check in, so here we are. You guys aren't keen on lighting, eh?" Levi put on his most lax tone possible, and I wonder how much its grating on his nerves. It sounds plain surreal to me, let alone the rest of the team who haven't heard him relaxed. It's like he's pretending to be Kenny. Then again, was this how Levi actually used to talk?

"Damn, do they ever do their own work? You guys were only down here last month, weren'tcha?"

"We were?" Levi groans. "Damn, must have been another division, Mp's are spreading their favours around. Fuck... well, you got anything of interest? Or some bullshit I can at least put in a report?"

We keep getting closer.

It won't be long before they can see the wings.

I hope Levi has a plan, because in these close quarters I can barely breathe. I bite my lip, but there's a hand on my arm and I focus on that. Jean was right there, Eren and Mikasa were in front of me, and we were being lead by Levi. This was fine. So why the hell am I so uneasy? I'd been on the field dammit, I'd fought Titans, so why were my nerves so wrung out? Like they were being pulled by some crazed puppet master. I hadn't felt like this in so long, but that pain behind my eyes is threatening, so I just try to push past. To ignore it.

"Come on in and have a drink, you can report back about conditions or some shit. We cleaned up yesterday so things are pretty in order, just... keep it vague, yeah?"

"Don't worry, we know the game plan." Levi mutters, now close enough to the man that I end up holding my breath, but he casually uses his wrong hand to shake hands so that the pocket symbol on his jacket stays hidden.

Nice work.

Like I should expect anything else from him, but I can't deny the relief.

"Good to know. But maybe next time you get saddled with headin' down here, could you not spook the kids? That little lookout brat looked ready te shit himself." The man snorted, heading through the door behind him, or he meant to.

He reached for the door handle and then gave out an 'oomf' as the back of his head was met with a sharp 'thwack'. Perfect aim, as ever. He slumped down and Levi hauled his ass to the side, quickly gagging the man and binding him before shoving him behind some of the crates to the side. It would prevent him being easily spotted at least.

"He's probably their main form of security, and he was hardly tight-lipped." Levi brushed his hands down and then looked to the door, sighing as he reached for it. "With any luck there'll just be a bunch of drunk assholes already snoring. But knowing our luck? Get ready for a fight."

We head inside and as the cooler air hits us, I frown. There was ventilation. There was also a way out from here. Maybe it was one of those 'sun-wells' Levi had mentioned? That could greatly simplify the situation. I scan the area, but that pain surges inside my head. It lances through my skull and I have to close my eyes against it. Dammit, why now? There's noises of children ahead, but it's clearly through another door. I put a hand to my head. Some scuffling sounds. Mikasa seems to run off, her cape tickling the edges of my fingers. Dammit, I need to see! I try to open my eyes, but the pain keeps them closed. What little I did see was just a blur of colour and light. I pant, and try to steady myself, but my body feels like lead. I think Jean's still holding my arm, but it feels more like he's trying to hold me back now. What? What was happ-

"Dammit, Robyn talk to me!"

Why was Levi yelling?

My hands feel spongy.

My head clears.

I swallow hard, the taste of iron on my tongue and a slick warmth on my lips. Blood? I blink hard and finally get my eyes open, the pain simply buzzing at the base of my skull by now. De ja vu swamps me. I look up at the frankly livid face of my Captain, his arm on my throat. I cough and he flinches back, sitting up slightly and blinking.

"Robyn? Can you hear me now?"

"Y-Yeah... what... ghn... Levi, l-let me go." I cough, wheezing a bit as his hold tightens before falling away.

He sits back, but is still pinning me with his legs. I blink again, but the lantern light is warping around the place, mixing with what I can only guess is sky blue? It dances in and out of focus. I can barely see beyond Levi, but I notice Mikasa's face by his shoulder. She has blood on her cheek and panic in her dark eyes.

Levi nods to her. "Get the brats to the sun-well, I'll bring her along in a moment."

"But Captain Lev—"

"I didn't say it was up for discussion, Ackerman, get to the fucking sun-well. That's an order." Levi barks, and Mikasa hesitates yet again.

But it isn't concern for me, it's concern for Levi?

Her eyes flit to him and then me, looking more worried than ever. What? She loathed him, didn't she? So why the hell was she so nervous about leaving him with me now? The hell was I going to do to him? The sound of footsteps fades as she leaves, and I try to sit up. But Levi pushes me back down softly. I try to look around, but my neck doesn't really want to move. I'd been bashed around a bit clearly, but when?

What the hell had happened?

The place is quiet again, not even the murmur of children can be heard. That coldness is closer now, and there's a faint trickling. Water runs down one of the cavern walls, so presumably it was raining up top. Slowly my eyes adjust.

"What's the last thing you remember, Robyn?" Levi asks cryptically and I just frown up at him, trying to sit up again, but once more being pushed back. I grit my teeth. "Look, brat, just stay calm. I wanna know what you last remember doing. One step at a time."

"The fuck are you talking about, Levi?"

"Answer the question." He persists and I sigh.

"I was with you guys, coming through the door to the place where we could hear the kids. My head got sore so I closed my eyes. That's all. Did I fall over, or something? Why're you being so... W-weird?" My voice stammers as I lift my hand.

I gape.

Blood.

But it's real. I know this is real, it isn't faded and old like the stuff that stains my hands every day, no, this is vital and fresh. It's still fucking warm.

"What the hell?"

"Robyn... Look at me." He orders, and my eyes snap to his, and I flinch back, there's real worry there. Of all the times I had been weird, or acted out, he had never looked at me like that, but now he was. Like I was dangerous, like I was a freak. Oh gods, I hate it. Please don't look at me like that. Not you, Levi.

"Levi, what did I do?"

He looks uneasy about telling me, but after glancing over his shoulder he sighs. "You went rigid and weren't breathing right. Kirtschtein caught you before you fell, but then you just stayed bolt straight. We thought you were having some kind of fit. But then... then your nose started bleeding real bad and your eyes just... they went wide and your pupils were massive." He explains, frowning as if he doesn't believe his own memory.

I know nothing of this.

I went rigid?

He pinches the bridge of his nose and continues. "Robyn I don't know what the hell happened, but you started writhing around like you were on fire. You didn't scream though, you just... you just kinda whimpered. Kirtschtein had to let you go and you suddenly bolted for the door where we could hear the kids. Like you were desperate to find them all of a sudden."

I glance to the side and see the edge of a door past his shoulder, but that's all I can make out in this gloom.

"The door fell off its hinges, and you grabbed the guard inside. It was... I mean, in the end it was a good thing, but fuck you were unstoppable. You tore him to shreds. He didn't even manage to draw his gun."

I stare at Levi, and that look of nervous revulsion stays put.

What the hell had come over me?

It was like that day I finally got to Vincent, but so much worse.

"I... I don't remember any of that. Is that why my hand—"

"It's the guard's blood... mainly." Levi adds with a small clearing of his throat, I raise my brows. I scan him, but don't see any big patches of blood. Levi sighs with a shake of his head. "Jeager ran over to try and subdue you. The guard was already dead, but you just kept going, turning him to pulp. Eren ran over and tried to get you off him, but... well you lashed out at him as well." He explains, looking to the side as though annoyed. I can only guess Levi had ordered them all to stay back? As he rubs the back of his neck I gasp, some scratch marks on his arms and likely bruising. I'd hurt him as well.

"How bad did I get Eren?" I ask thickly, Levi having lowered his arm and tugged at his cloak to cover the marks. He shrugged.

"A gash on his neck, but it's steamed shut already."

"His neck?!" I repeat, sitting up and pushing against his hand. "You mean to tell me, I'd have bloody killed him without his healing? I tried to kill, Eren?"

"You didn't know it was him. That much was obvious." He reassures me, pushing harder, but I need to get up, so I struggle on. "Stay down for a bit longer."

"Why? We need to go, and I need to see what I did."

"You really don't." Levi said gravely and I just stare at him, I'd been absolutely brutal, hadn't I? I swallow again, but that lump is persisting. The pain behind my eye had gone though, that was something. But now it just gave me a fresh sick feeling, that pain was connected to this, I just didn't know how yet. Was this going to happen from now on? Was I to take that pain as a warning to me losing my mind?

My eyes feel warm and I hang my head, shaking it as I try to remember. But there's nothing. I thought no time had passed, that I was simply standing there, waiting for a stupid headache to calm down. A finger runs along my cheek, it's so tender and careful. Don't give me that, Levi. I really don't fucking deserve it. But it stays there, gently running along, careful and patient. I look up, and he cups my face. A softer look takes to his expression, and he runs a thumb under my eye.

"You said your head hurt, right?"

I nod.

"Was it a sharp pain, behind your eye?" He asked quietly, thumb still running against my skin. When I hesitate, I feel his hand tremble ever so slightly. His eyes are swimming with ghosts, and I know there's more going on in his head. He knew something. I blink and he wipes away more of the stupid tears. "Seems Kenny might have been telling the truth."

"What do you mean?" I sniff and his eyes go a little dull.

"It's so similar, I can't really ignore it. That pain behind your eyes is exactly what I felt whenever that damned conditioning took me over... like a puppet string was directly tied to my brain. Then nothing. I'd remember barely anything at first."

"But they didn't do any of that to me. E-Even when... fuck is that what Kenny meant? Was that what my father was doing to me? Was that—"

He silences my panic with a hand over my mouth, his touch cold but his expression warm.

"One step at a time, brat. I don't know why it's being triggered now, but... we'll figure it out. If we can fix my sorry ass, we can fix yours." He explains, slowly taking his hand away and using it to brush my hair back.

I just nod. I doubt it though. It wasn't often I doubted Levi, but right now I can do little else. It sinks through me like cold rain down my collar. We were able to help Levi because there was a clear cut purpose for his conditioning, there was a clear cut plan. He was conditioned to want to kill me, to make the Scouts unstable, to break their ranks. Perhaps, looking back at it, to trigger my own conditioning. But the web is too tangled to consider that conclusive yet. But my own conditioning wasn't like his. If this weirdness that had taken over me _was_ that my father had somehow conditioned me, we had no idea why. If it was to help the Royals, to help the White Cloaks, then why the hell had I attacked one of their guards? This wasn't as straight forward, this was messy as hell.

I breathe steadier as the minutes pass.

Levi stays where he is, not moving except to stroke my hair slightly.

He was taking lessons from Keza, I guess.

"Did we get the kids out?" I ask quietly, voice cracked.

"Yeah, we did. We also left them a pretty clear message with the guard you got rid of. It should at least deter them for the time being. I have contacts down here that can keep an eye on things. It's not a permanent solution, but at least the Cloaks'll be wary." Levi explains before he gets up and offers me help up. I reach, but quickly withdraw my hand. "What's wrong? Crap, did I hurt you?"

"No, no, I'm fine. I just... d-do you have a cloth or something?" I look at my hands and shiver, I was filthy.

Levi kneels down and stares at me hard. That revulsion is gone, and whilst I'm sinking into a whole new world of confusion, that at least gives me hope. He didn't fear me. Then he takes my hand. He holds it tight and doesn't even flinch as the blood oozes between us.

"Together, Robyn. Keep that in mind before you go wallowing yourself into a tomb." He says, leaning forward and kissing my forehead before standing and hauling me upright with him.

* * *

 **KEZA POV**

The rain falls softly outside the cabin, a thick mist had rolled through and settled in the valley below since early that morning. It's so quiet out here. So cut-off from everything and everyone. As if me and Erwin were the only two people in the world. I frown and watch a droplet run down the window pane, my tea slowly steaming up the bottom half of the glass. I remember when me and Robyn used to hide from the rain; we ended up in all sorts of places. Under cafés, the basement of pubs, sometimes we just made do with an upturned crate. Like a couple dirty homeless turtles. I bite my lip, we were daft kids really, weren't we? We actually played that game once, and we kept bumping into walls.

"Where's your mind gone to?" Erwin rumbles from the table. I look over my shoulder to him and he tilts his head at me, those eyes far too observant sometimes. It was like living with a hawk – albeit a concerned and kind one, but still a beaky bugger.

"Turtles." I say and watch him blink a couple times, coming up empty and just tilting that head slightly more.

Maybe the esteemed Commander was less of a hawk today, and more of a puppy.

I smile and leave the window seat, heading over and pulling a chair beside him.

"When it rained in Shiganshina, sometimes me and Robyn had to make do with old apple crates upturned. So naturally, we used to pretend we were turtles." I explain and shrug, his eyes narrowing for a moment before he purses his lips and a small chuckle escapes. It builds into proper laughter. "Oi, watch it Brows."

"Oh that _is_ rather adorable though." He sniffed and shook his head. "I'm sorry, but obviously the only time I've known Robyn is when she's in fighting mode or occasionally drunk. To think of her pretending to be a turtle... scampering around puddles... damn that's too much." He chuckles again and I nudge him, pouting and raising a brow, he nudges back. "Rather adorable to think of you as well, of course."

"I should think so." I nod and wink, him sipping his own tea and sighing. I glance at the window and see no change in the rain. Persistent bugger. "Looks like we're stuck in here for the whole day, sorry, Handsome."

His eyes watch the steam closely. "I don't mind. It's just strange to be so un-busy, for once."

"That tends to happen when you're dead. Social calendar drops off a bit." I point out and he smirks again, nodding and running a finger along the rim of his mug. "You're asking about my head, but what about yours? I can see smoke comin' out your ears."

"Could you tell me more about your where you've come from?"

"You've been to Shiganshina plenty times, I'm sure." I raised a brow and he shakes his head.

"No, no, I more meant your time growing up with Robyn. It's... I'm not sure how to describe it, it's kind of pleasant to know what you two did when the world was that bit simpler."

"Only simpler because we were dumbass kids who didn't know any better." I snort, but then see that frown deepen a little. It meant something to him clearly. I'd indulge him, I suppose.

I lean on the table top and he turns to me more, the stump moving slightly before he sighs at himself and uses the other hand. Seems my hair just won't behave at the moment. He tucks it back and then almost smiles before going back to his mug.

"So what exactly do you wanna know? I know we're not sure how long we'll be here but... ya want from beginning to end?" I laugh, mainly joking, but then I see an unsaid want in those big blues. I snort. "Seriously? Damn... Good thing I like the sound of my own voice."

"I'd like to know more about you, Keza. Sorry, being curious is very close indeed to being nosy."

"Mhm, not gonna argue with you on that one." I laugh and get myself comfy. "I guess the only place to start it then is when I woke up after the Nun's had their fun. Not the nicest beginning but... Well, if it weren't for that red-headed bossy-boots I certainly wouldn't be here. I woke up in the gutter, pain in my belly and rain on my face. Wasn't the first time I'd woken up sore, was thrown out more doorways than an alley cat, but this was different. Never really known pain like it before or since. When I looked down there was this big line across my stomach, still some blood comin' out of it. The other kids were crying, one was shrieking, and then there was Robyn. She sat there glowering at the world, watching a puddle as her belly bled into it. What I didn't know then, was that she was plannin' away. But I'd find out soon enough."

He sits back, staring and seeming to soak up every word. I'd never known anyone so interested in my past, and considering all this man had going on in his head, why him? Surely the Commander had better things to wonder about? I clear my throat and continue as the wind outside picks up a bit.

"As soon as it started goin' dark and the lanterns started getting lit, one kid was already too quiet to be moving ever again, and the rest of us were heading that way. That was when Robyn got up. I dunno how she even moved to be honest, but then again, she'd likely been beaten half to death a dozen times thanks to her father. Told me once he actually snapped her arm, fucking animal that he was. Anyway, she gets up and looks around with this... this kinda fire in her eyes, I'd seen nothing like it before. I guess... I kinda already knew I'd be okay. As long as I was near that fire, I'd do just fine. Anyone able and willing was told to get their arses up, she knew the way to the hospital and where we could get supplies. It was that or die. She didn't do the sugar-coating thing." I laugh and shake my head, still remembering how kinda scared I had been of Robyn in that moment.

"So anyway, we got up, me and her and we went for aid. I think... I think another kid came with us? I can't really remember anything beyond Robyn to be honest. She climbed up first, into this vent above a cupboard with all these weird medicinal supplies. She left this weird trickle of blood behind her. Dunno how no one found us. But then she used sheets to drop down and make it easier for us to climb in afterwards. You know... I look back and I wonder how the hell she made it. I reckon she burst what little stitching we had been given by doing that. Still, she got us help and we hid there for days. Felt like weeks at the time, I'd never been so scared in my life. Every time the doctors came in, Robyn shoved some bandaging against my mouth as I'd start crying. I was scared stiff of the bastards. But she kept me quiet. And eventually... we walked out of there." I shake my head. I still don't get how we managed it, how a couple kids pulled through that. Crazy little critters we were.

"I'd have likely been about fifteen or so, at that point." Erwin murmured, eyes fixed on his mug still. He shakes his head now, neither of us very happy with the past. "I thought the whole world revolved around making up for what I'd cost my father. Amazing how small the world can seem, hm? I was already in Military Training, blinkers firmly in place."

I put a hand on his arm, and wait till this big blues have swivelled my way again.

"Hey... you were a kid. I certainly wasn't thinking about the suffering of a lanky blonde currently falling down in a military compound." My hand moves to his knee when he looks away, and I squeeze till he meets my eyes. "If you were capable of thinking along the lines of 'oh how I pity all those little girls with their bellys torn open by Nuns in Shiganshina right now' I think your head would have exploded long before now. And on top of that, you'd be one creepy 15 year old." I snort and am glad to see that smile fall into place. It was a rare thing indeed, but I had seen it a little more often in this bubble of seclusion.

"I wish I could see things through those eyes, even if only for a day. Would be most enlightening." He hummed, finishing the cup and running that hand through my hair. It's warm. I lean into it and then nuzzle slightly. Perhaps he was a little _too_ warm, but that could be because he was holding the mug. I'll not fuss yet. "Sorry for interrupting Keza, please do continue. I'm going to put another pot on to brew I think. This life of leisure is grand for learning as I go." He says with a smirk still in place as he gets up and goes over to the stove.

It's clumsy, and awkward, but he manages. Right up until he needs to light the stove. I wait, and eventually he looks my way with slight pleading. I wait again.

"Come on, Brows, you know the drill. You actually have to _ask_ for my help. Part of your new training, remember?" I say, waggling my brows at him.

He grumbles under his breath and hangs his head. Sulking was odd on him. He then licks those lips and takes a deep breath before looking my way. He doesn't like it, but it takes a stubborn hand to teach an old dog new tricks. And he was fucking ancient, right?

"Keza, please help me light the stove, as this useless damned stump won't."

"Try again," I sigh and glare at him.

He grits his teeth and clears his throat. "Sorry. Keza, please help me light the stove."

"All right, Pouty." I get up and help him, the fire flares and I set the kettle over it.

His arm slowly winds round my middle and rests there. It's so damned warm. I lean against him and he hums. It seemed like he had slowly gotten more used to this kind of closeness. He was so awkward at first, so reserved, so withheld. It was unlike any other interaction I had encountered with a man before. This man was about as handsome as I considered possible, chiselled from fucking granite and charming as hell. Yet he acted like my leaning into his hold, a smile in return to a caress against my cheek, like it was all some great favour I was doing him. Was he like this with all women? Or did he simply think I was made of glass? His hold tightens.

"Please go on with your story. What did you and Robyn do after you healed?"

"Well, we wandered for a good long time. It was winter, so really we were looking for somewhere to hide. The snows had begun and we knew we wouldn't last long out in it. It was kinda like that for the next few years, hopping from basement to basement, farm outhouse to outhouse. But we never ventured too far from Shiganshina. We only slipped into the farmlands of Maria when we had to, when the garisson were being especially picky." I chuckle, his hand moves slightly up and down my side. I glance up at him, but he's looking out the window by the sink. "We were pretty damned content in those years. The only issues were... Well... Our own demons, I guess. I had my own problems with my family, or lacking, and well... you know Robyn's. Simple fact of the matter is, I know nothing about where I came from, and Robyn wanted to forget."

"Did you help each other?"

"In a sense. We rather beat it out of each other, actually. I'd get so angry with her when she spoke ill of her Dad, this being before she finally told me what he'd done. After that I got it, but before then? I thought she was selfish, I thought she had a home to run back to... heh... stupid kid that I was."

"I don't see it as stupid at all. I used to loathe my comrade Nile's constant whining about his overbearing father. My own having been robbed from me. It was only when we graduated, when I saw his mother stood with a man half drunk at nine in the morning, snapping at them all and slurring, that I understood. We all have demons, and sometimes it's hard to take other's seriously when our own remain so potent."

"Fuck... Erwin, are you meaning to be perfect? You've got the wisdom of a man with way more time on his hands." I laugh and pat his chest when the kettle whistles. "Go sit down, okay? I'll sort this." I send him off and sort out a fresh pot for us.

"How did you find out about her Father?" He asks as he sits back down and I turn off the stove. I watch those flames fade and purse my lips.

"She got sick. It was so stupid, she went and scrubbed her hands too damn much yet again. I just thought she was a clean-freak or something." I pour the water into the pot, the tea leaves slowly bleeding into the clear water, staining it. "Silly gal had tears rolling down her cheeks, scrub-brush in hand and pail of water all pinky looking. I didn't know what the hell she was thinking, but that night she went down with a bad fever. We were sleeping in a cattle house, above the beasts and in amongst a bunch of hay. Dry and warm, but not exactly clean. She was panting, sweaty and pink in the face... I thought she was on her way out at one point, started rambling about the heat. Then..." I swallow and stir the pot slightly. "Th-then she started talking about flames, about basements and small windows. Kept pleading with the shadows to stop moving, stop whispering. Slowly it started slipping into place, and eventually she just screamed about her father, kept begging him to stop. By morning I'd got her cooled down and back on the mend, eventually getting the stubborn mule to tell me what had happened."

"She didn't want to?" He asks as I bring the pot over and sit down beside him. I shake my head and gather the cups, stirring the pot a little longer. I like my strong tea, the kind that punches you in the face with every sip.

"She didn't want my pity, apparently. Didn't want me to think of her as a victim."

"What did you do?" He persists, leaning forward slightly. I grin and lean in as well.

"I slapped her square in the face and told her to stop being such a twat."

"A delicate nurse, you are not." He chuckles, sitting back. I wink and pour the tea out, passing him his and pouring my own. "I suppose, it's part of your charm."

"That true? Or is that just what you've convinced yourself of?"

"Mm... Perhaps both."

"Cheeky bugger, that's what you are, Erwin Smith. Anyway, once she'd finally spat it out and I managed to wrangle some bandaging together, I patched her up and knew from then on to keep an eye on her. She was obsessed with it though, had to clean them, had to make it right. I swear Erwin, a couple times I wanted to give up on her... I ain't proud of it, but she was in deep. But every time I got to that point, then she'd go and be herself again. She'd switch it round, and talk about how we had to fight through it, how we had to prove them all wrong. I guess that's why in the end, we had to go our separate ways for a while." I simper and stir in some honey to my tea. The spoon scrapes against the mug.

"Did you part on bad terms, then? She's never really gone into it."

"Hah... yeah you could say that."

I'd never known rain to pour so hard, as it had that day. Stood in the cobbled street, screaming at each other over a swelling storm. Lighting flashed, thunder rolled, cliché gripped the whole thing. My stupid, stubborn, selfish tears just melted into the rain. Damn. My chest hurts even thinking about that parting.

He's waiting.

"Robyn's determination never ever ceased, like... that fire in her eyes only seemed to get stronger as she got older, but mine? It kinda faded. Maybe it was because she had her sights set on the military, and I just lost the will to fight against the world any more. Life was hard enough without seeking the fights. I knew I could make good money from my um... well my 'old profession' shall we call it. And I didn't believe I could make a difference in a uniform. She... she never doubted. She never doubted me either."

I don't know why but it comes out as a half-laugh, or maybe its actually a half-sob?

I dunno.

I cup my mug close and blow gently.

"When I told her my plans to head to the interior, to get steady clients and all that, she just looked... crestfallen. She kept trying to convince me I could fight, that I could win. She never doubted that, even when I demanded she shut up about it. Even when we were yelling at each other at the end, she still spoke of how she believed in me. But I knew I wasn't built for that world, for the world of the military, all those rules and expectation. I still don't think I am." I sigh and shake my head, looking his way and seeing that shred of hurt. I didn't mean it against him, and I know he knows that deep down. But then he reaches over and puts that hand over one of mine and I smile.

He looks at our hands. "I think you belong anywhere you want to, Keza. I've never known a woman to command confidence like you do. It feels like you could make any situation your own."

"Heh... yeah?"

"Absolutely." He nods and squeezes gently before taking his hand back. I sip my drink and hum. "Would be strange to see you as a soldier though. Your poor training officers... they wouldn't stand a chance..."

I snort. "Well, really Erwin, let's face it. If I had, signed up? I'd have fallen the second I left the gates."

"Don't say that." He blurts out, eyes intense again and jaw tight. For a man who had shaken hands and dined with the Reaper so many times, he could still look affronted by the concept? Amazing.

I tilt my head at him. "Erwin... I'm one of those people that life tends to forget about. Statistic waiting to happen."

"And yet your very existence right now would speak otherwise." He says, less firmly but just as determinedly. I smile softly and raise a brow at him. What had that head come up with now? He continues. "Statistically, you're meant to have died after the Nun's attack. Statistically, you should have died during one of the many harsh winters you survived on the streets. _Statistically,_ you should have ended up diseased or beaten to death by the hands of a customer. And yet, here you sit. Babysitting an invalid veteran of the Scouting Legion. A man who simply enjoys listening to your voice, drinking your tea, and perhaps foolishly thinking to himself that he could have a slice of normalcy with you."

There's that charm.

That damned charm, that would likely be the end of me.

Does he know how much it warms me right to my bones?

I bite my lip and don't even realise my eyes were watering till I blink and the damned droplets escape. I try to wipe them off, but he stops me with that look. That fire. It was the same one I saw in Robyn. A fire of determination, of a will unbreakable. I swallow hard, the gentle touch of his hand against my cheek making my lips wobble next.

God dammit, Handsome, be careful would ya?

"Am I foolish?" He asks gently, thumb running under my eye.

"Of course you are, you fucking blonde." I laugh into a sob and blink hard to get rid of the damned tears. His chuckle makes my chest feel tight and I stand from my chair. I want to be closer to him, to that warmth. His hand stays at my face, and I move over. Those eyes never leave me, never waver or tighten. I lay my hands on his chest and sit upon his lap, laying my forehead to his and sniffing. "But I'd also add, that I'm pretty foolish too."

"There's plenty more story to be told, right?"

"Mm..." I nod, his hair tickling my forehead, his hand slipping down to rest against the small of my back. I bite my lip. "But later. I can tell you everything, later."

"Indeed, for once I have all the time in the world."

"Let's just see how that stamina holds up." I chuckle and he does too.

We're both finally silenced in our need for the last word. Our breath combines and his hand holds me that little bit closer.

I really was one of those people the world tended to forget about. At least I used to be. But in this cabin, hidden away and secluded from anyone else, I feel like I'd never be forgotten again. Like those blue eyes would never stop seeking me out.

I can't tell, as my heart rushes off in a wild gallop, if I'm more thrilled, or scared.

But I'm damn well willing to find out.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed! I had intended to just upload the first part with Robyn and the gang, but bugger it, I enjoyed writing the Keza and Erwin scene too much. I hope you guys liked it as well! See you in 3-4 weeks.**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **Sebastian:** I could not write with my boyfriend, haha, would not work. I don't even use Beta readers, I will eventually need a proper editor for my novel, duh my grammar is deplorable at times, but yeah, I don't write well with others! Glad you enjoyed it so much, I hope this one's more action based beginning was good for you ^-^ Happy writing to you too.

 **ChrissyKinz6:** Haha, Kenny has plenty cigars I'm sure. Sorry about the lack of information, but I think for this fic the updates will generally be shorter (unless its a section more indulgent like this one with Keza and Erwin - i seriously got carried away) as frankly there's just not as much of a following for this fic anymore. Or at least, that's all I can assume from the lacking response. I'm working towards its finale anyway, so don't worry, everything will be explained soon enough! Not for like... maaany updates, so don't worry I'm not rushing anything, I just don't think people care as much about this fic anymore. Which is a shame, but hey ho. Hope the action was okay for you, more to come next time ^-^ thanks for reviewing!

 **MM995:** Eren might have had the best scores in his own class yes, but Robyn wasn't in her class so... lol not entirely sure what your comment was for. But thanks for chiming in all the same. And hope you've made it this far! Maybe at some point I should have them fight it out - see who wins, haha! My money is on Robyn mainly because I reckon Eren would struggle with actively trying to hurt her.

 **Moonlover:** Congrats on some intense reading skills, haha! Thank you so much for the praise, glad you've enjoyed it! I hope you continue to do so, and I look forward to hearing from you on my other stories. Thanks for getting in touch!


	58. Timing

**Hello hello! Hope you're all well, here's the next instalment of Robyn's shenanigans!**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AT.**

 **Note: Manga stuff will turn up in this fic in all likeliness, yer warned.**

* * *

 **ROBYN POV**

Once I'm upright, my head continues to clear. But still no memory of the attack itself comes to mind. It's just blank, like nothing had happened at all. I wipe my hands on my cloak and head after Levi. Just keep moving, just keep moving. We get away from the bloodied scene. When we get closer to where Jean was watching out, he hands me a cloth, but he doesn't meet my eyes. I don't blame him. My gaze stays down after that, and I shuffle to where the air feels that bit fresher, and that bit warmer. The sun wells? When I see light edging towards me, and I feel soft warmth on my skin, I dare to look up. I blink. The open sky. It was right there. I try to keep the relief from my face though, I don't want Levi to regret even bringing me down here. But on the other hand, my god I'm glad to see the sky again. Between our interactions with Kenny, and now whatever had gone on in my head, I feel like a caged animal. I need to breathe.

The clearing ahead has a small group of children in it, and I look to Levi with a raised brow. I thought he said we got them all out?

"We got them out the pens, now we're working on them getting out of here altogether." He clarifies, sorting his cloak and looking ahead again.

Mikasa raises up into the air on her gear with a couple kids in her arms. That was one hell of a way to travel. The kids are squealing, laughing, happy. I wonder what will happen to them once they're up-top, but I'm also sure Levi has a plan. I give a little wave to a girl just disappearing into the light, held in Jean's arms and laughing away.

"It's great, isn't it?" Armin suddenly says, appearing out of nowhere. "Captain sent word to one of his contacts in the city, the kids are being taken to an orphanage up top." Armin explains when he appears next to me. Damn I keep losing track of that guy. He nods to me and smiles, and despite myself, I reflect it. My hand's remain sticky, but for now, I'm just glad that we could actually offer the kids another way of life.

This trip had actually been a success, hadn't it?

I catch sight of Eren looking my way and my eyes instantly look down again. I can't face him right now, not when I can't even remember hurting him. Shit. I still can't believe I lashed out at Eren, of all people, Eren! I stumble a little on the uneven ground.

"We nearly done?" Levi says, hand on my back to keep me moving. "We can't wait around much longer. Who knows when the other cronies'll turn up."

More gear whirs, and I reckon that was Armin heading up with some kids too. A couple excited squeals melt into the sky.

"Yeah nearly there, sir." Eren replies. "We um... We good to go?" I know he's looking at me. Mainly because Levi's hold on me just tightened slightly, but still, I can feel that worried gaze. Eren must truly think I'm bonkers now. I swallow hard and just study the ground.

"Yeah, Jeager, we're good. You should get ready to go."

"Mikasa just landed, she'll take up another lot, then I'll go up. You good to head up with, Robyn?" Eren asks and I hear Mikasa talking to the kids. Shuffling feet scurry about and then once again gear whirs up into the heavens. There was a good six kids still to go though.

"Yeah of course, we'll be fine... Shit." Levi turns and draws his blades.

Noises rise from behind us. A lot of noises, actually. Sounds like a large group of men, their confused voices burbling about through the tunnel we just came through. Those same voices rise, and become mixed with startled cries. They'd found the body. Time was running out.

"Get going, Jeager!" Levi yells.

A couple shots ring out beyond the tunnel. Fighting amongst themselves? Or being scared by shadows? In all honesty, if I had been as brutal as Levi seemed to be insinuating, the men had to be wondering if a beast had got into the caverns. I know I'd be thinking that. Their voices get closer, and I look up at the sky, I had my own gear on, and they were coming fast.

"Levi, c'mon. I can get a couple kids too. Let's go!"

"Robyn..." Levi looks at me with confused eyes and I look down.

No gear. Oh... oh right, I don't have gear on. They took it off me? They must have not wanted me to have access to blades when I came round. I clench my fists and shake my head. Dammit, what was going on? Why am I only half awake, dammit!? The pain in my head is gone but clearly something's not right. I'm only half here.

I hear Eren trying to reason with the kids, but they're crying and panicking. I doubt we could really appreciate what they had already gone through at the hands of these men. What lies had they been told, what threats had they been given?

Levi takes a couple steps towards the opening of the tunnel, and Eren sighs.

"Captain, plan B?" He demands, and Levi looks round with indecision.

What plan B? Since when did we bother with those? When had it been made? Levi then glances at me, sighs and nods to Eren. Oh, my fault, right? I'd gone and fucked everything up by going beserk. Yup, sounds about right.

"Go for it Jeager, just don't make me regret it!"

"Yes, sir!" Eren backs up to the middle of the well, torchlight starting to flicker into view through the tunnels. "Robyn get the kids back over there!" He yells and I just move, I don't question, I just move. I do as I'm bloody well told.

"Eren, what're you..." I find my voice failing as I usher the kids back, shielding them behind me in case the men came in shooting. Was Eren going to shift? He doesn't reply to my half question, he just raises his hand to his mouth, and I feel a chill run down my spine.

Yes, yes that was exactly what he was going to do.

BOOM.

I'm nearly knocked off my feet as I turn and hold the kids in a tight group. They're screaming, crying, wailing, but I just try to shush them and calm them down. The steam wasn't too bad from this distance, but it still ruffled some hair. The kids stare up at me with wide eyes. Yeah, scary shit, huh? The air stills, and silence rings out. It would at least make the oncoming thugs pause, right? They knew what we had in our ranks. I look over my shoulder and gape at Eren's Titan form. I'd seen it many times, obviously, but in such close quarters, with that heat radiating against us, it was hard not to feel your heart stutter. The steam dissipates and I stand up properly, the kids sticking close. Clearly they weren't all that bothered about seeing me rip a man apart. Or at least at this point my scariness had been outdone by the few too many metre tall bloke in front of us.

I can't believe this was a part of the plan. My ears are still ringing as Levi fires up onto Eren's shoulder, and Eren's Titan lowers it's hands to us. Fastest way to travel, I guess. I help the kids clamber onto those huge hands, and they all hold on as best they can. I get in last and we're raised up to the surface. Gunfire breaks out below and the kids squeal. Whilst I don't like hearing kids being afraid, I'm also kinda glad their tough lives hadn't turned them numb yet. Silver linings.

As we approach the surface, I shuffle towards the edge of the hands, and help get the kids out. I pass them up to Mikasa and Jean who reach as best they can. It showed just how deep down we were, considering Eren's Titan could barely reach. Fresh air coasts against my hands. So close.

A yell rings out.

But who's?

I hand over the last kid as Eren's huge hands shift under me. Suddenly I'm cupped between them, held like an injured bird. I yelp and fall on my ass, looking to the side and seeing buckshot through the thin flesh of Eren's Titan. Shit. That was too close. Presumably the yell had been Levi warning Eren, or the whichever bastard had shot, yelling at his comrades where they should also be shooting.

"Robyn! You all right?" Levi barks.

"Y-Yeah!"

"Stay down! I need to cut Eren loose!" Levi yells, right before Eren roars down into the pit.

I only hope its just a scare tactic, and that he isn't in actual pain. His hands tremble as I feel the noise reverberate in my bones. Dammit, that was loud. I bet those thugs have pissed themselves, at least. I hold on tighter, the heat in Eren's hand stifling, but it was better than bullet holes. I hear slicing. Then feel my muscles tense. The pain was back. It was right behind my eye and stabbing, pulsing with my now panicked heartbeat. Shit. No, please not again. I try to breathe evenly, there was no need to immediately panic. I had the pain for several days before anything happened last time. It didn't mean it would immediately happen again. Right?

"Levi, hurry!" I yell, voice panicked and I hear steam releasing.

"You're not hit are you?" He calls out, huffing as he hauls Eren out and I hear my Captain and Eren, running up the now steaming arms. The Titan was disintegrating. The hand cradle is hot I have to stand and poke my head out the top, simply to breathe.

"N-No! But that fucking pain's behind my eye!" I explain, too scared to attempt pretension right now. If I was about to freak-out, I needed to know he was prepared. I can't hurt anyone else. I hear Levi curse, and they reach me, a couple more shots ringing out now that the thugs had collected themselves. Dust falls down from where they hit the sun-well rim instead of us. The steam is slightly disorientating them for now.

"C'mon! Kirtschtein fucking grab, Jeager!" Levi yells, Jean lowering himself and getting hold of Eren.

He hauls the weakened shifter up, and gets to the rim of the sun-well. But it's too slow, and now the steam's dissipating with a breeze. Another shot rings out. I stare, blood spattering down on my upturned face. No! The shot went right through Eren's back and into Jean's side as he grappled his comrade. They both cried out and I think I did too.

The pain fizzles.

"C'mere, we need to go." Levi grabs hold of me, holding my head against the crook of his neck as he aims his gear and fires as soon as Jean and Eren we clear.

They were dragged back by Mikasa, who frantically yells both names whilst I hear Armin also yelling. But it's just noise right now. Mindless noise. I hold onto Levi and we soar through the air.

"I've got you." Levi breathes, and the cold wind whips under my hair as we fly. I glance back, over Levi's shoulder and watch cigar smoke through the murk. A small orange dot glows. Then there's a familiar laugh.

Kenny?

"Close your eyes, Robyn, the sun's intense for the first few minutes." Levi commands in my ear, and I nod against him, finding my feet with his help once on the surface again.

We keep moving, and I hear a wagon pulling away. I only hope it's the kids getting out. I don't want them anywhere near here if those thugs are coming up after us. The voices from below aren't far off. But my god my head is splitting, I feel like my skull is breaking apart. I cling to Levi's arm and he's practically dragging me along.

"Concentrate on the here and now Robyn, think about where you are and who you're with. It helps." Levi says, getting me to the remaining wagon and helping me up.

"Captain, Eren's wound's sealed itself but Jean's bleeding badly!" I hear Mikasa and then feel wood under my hands.

I get inside and clamber out of the way. Mikasa, Armin and Levi talk quickly over Jean as he lies on the floor of the wagon. In the gloom it's easier to see, and I watch dark liquid pooling over the wood. Eren sits opposite me, gripping his seat. He's panting and looks pale, but the wound was little more than a pinked spot for now. Thank the gods, if it weren't for his healing, it could have taken out his heart, dead-on. His breathing calms with every moment.

"Get this thing moving!" Levi barks and the wagon jolts, starting to move down the road as I see the men appearing out of the sun-well.

It took them a while, but still it was quick for people without grappling hooks and such. Maybe they'd found my gear? I peer back, looking over the huddled backs that tend to Jean, and I see him. Kenny wanders comes into view, or at least the vague outline of him. He's watching us. I can feel it.

"Kenny was there, why would Kenny be there if he told us about it?" I ask, looking around as Mikasa holds wadding to Jean's side, the bleeding slowing. "Double-cross, or just covering his tracks?"

The silence after my words hangs heavy. It's only interrupted by the rattle of our wheels and ticking of our minds.

Levi sighs and sits back pinching the bridge of his nose. "I never saw, Kenny."

I look around the group.

They're all looking at me in that same damned way, like they didn't see Kenny either. Like I imagined it all. Like I really am mad. I shrink back and hold my knees to my chest. I want to be as small as possible right now, I want to fucking disappear. I stare at my knees, hearing Jean's laboured breathing and the groan of wood as it moves along the road.

I know what I saw.

Don't I?

"We need to get back to the city base, and patch Jean up." Mikasa says, sitting back and wiping her brow. "I'll request some help from the Garrison, once we're back. Jean can't travel like this."

"He might have to." Levi says calmly, and the silence returns.

"Did... did the kids get out all right?" Jean asks, coughing slightly afterwards. Mikasa gives him some water from her tankard, checking his temperature and likely making his dreams come true. Oh how I wish that idea didn't come with a sting in it's tail. Don't let this take him. Not after everything else. Don't let a simple bullet take Jean.

"Yes, they'll be fine. I've got a couple contacts that work with orphans from the UG. Don't worry, they can be trusted." Levi assures him, nodding to his fallen soldier and Jean gives a small noise of thanks.

The tension begins to even off.

I just stare at my knees though. With this shame weighing down on me, and now their confidence in me at an all time low, I don't think I'll be looking up for a while.

* * *

It doesn't take long to get back to base, thankfully. Though we did go round the block a couple times, and Levi went inside first to ensure it was safe. It was. Then again, I don't think any of us actually believed the thugs would follow us here. We're well into the city, and there's a lot of military buildings around here. Too risky for rats. Armin then helps the Captain carry Jean inside, whilst Mikasa sees to getting word to the Garrison. It seemed me and Eren were being kept out of the loop for now. He was weakened of course, and I was just a useless basket case.

After the base door had closed behind Armin and Levi carrying Jean, and quiet had taken to the compound, I wait for Eren to move. But he's just sitting there. His feet haven't even twitched. I glance up, wondering if he fell asleep in the aftermath of his shifting. Nope. Instead, he's looking right at me with those green eyes. It's a look I haven't seen in a while. The lines leaching out into his cheeks remain a dark red, but the brightness of his eyes had returned. I instantly looked down again, but still he doesn't move.

I'm hoping Armin might reappear, or maybe even Mikasa. But the wind's picking up, and I can't stand this chill much longer. Tingles run up and down my spine constantly, the pain in my head remaining but thankfully having dulled slightly.

I lick my lips as more silence slips by. "Eren, you should go inside and get some rest. You're healed but that doesn't mean you shouldn't still take care of-"

"Look at me, Robyn." He asks, and I slowly close my mouth.

I shake my head.

He sighs. "You didn't mean to hurt me, I know that, I knew it when it happened. The Captain told us to stay back, he clearly knew something about what was going on with you but... I couldn't just let you eventually come to your senses, and be in that mess. I had to try and get you away from it."

"Please go inside, Eren." I breathe, my eyes growing warm. Once again he'd felt the need to protect me, and all I had given in return was pain. Dammit, Sanshi, can't you ever just stop?

"Not until you look at me." He says again.

I know that edge to his voice. It was the same edge that followed me around for those lonely six months, the edge that gradually hooked into my skin and demanded my attention. Demanded my return. I swallow hard. I know that edge would wait forever if it had to. Mikasa's words from the bathroom echo in my mind, that I used him, that I took advantage. Maybe Eren was still putting too much stock into me. Maybe I was manipulating him. But... but how was I doing that? I didn't want to. I'd never wanted to. I sniff, and feel the tears roll down, confusion throbbing in my head as much as that damned pain. Would I snap again?

Eren sighs and the wagon creaks when he leans forwards. "Stop going round in circles, I can hear you overthinking. Just look at me."

"Please Eren, I can't-"

"Yes you can!" He snaps, and I flinch away, back against the side of the wagon and hands to my chest.

I blink and look down at myself.

Why the hell had I flinched? It was Eren, for god's sake. He'd never hurt me. At one point I'd have said the same about myself for him, but it seemed hollow now.

I swallow hard, relaxing my stance. "Sorry... dunno why I flinched."

"Because your head's being messed with, and you feel like an open nerve." He says and again, I know that edge too. It was when he knew exactly how lonely I felt. I'd heard it when he laid out reality in the middle of the night, attacking my nightmares with his reassurances. Dammit, I'd never repay him, and even if I did, would that just be more unintended manipulation?

"Eren I-"

"Something was done to you by your father, that you don't fully understand, and it's haunting you. To know that it could hurt one of your comrades, through you... it's hell on earth." He says steadily, voice only wavering towards the end.

Now, I look at him.

Now, I can barely dare to look away.

I stare at his open wounds, gaping and unable to steam shut.

Not even Titan abilities could deal with that kind of hurt.

This was what it felt like, to know Grisha had been the one to turn him into a Titan. That his own father had forced it upon him, and also forced him to consume him. I'd always hated my father, that was hardly a new development. But I'd never feared him quite this much. Beforehand, I had believed I knew all that he had done, all that he was capable of; beaten my family and myself daily, terrorised us, and then eventually murdered them and attempted to murder me. Simple, when you boil it down. But now? Now, it felt like there was a tangled web under me, and ever jolt of my frightened body sent down new creatures to haunt me, new demons to sink their teeth in and pull me apart. It felt like there was so much more writhing in those shadows now. This was how Eren had felt when Valarie spilt the truth into his world. It's horrible.

What else had Vincent done?

Why had he done it in the first place?

Was I ever actually going to know?

"The first time I shifted, I didn't remember." Eren goes on, and I slowly nod. I was listening. "I woke up in a compound with Armin and Mikasa, staring down the barrel of a damn cannon. You've heard the story before, I know... I just need you to know you're not alone. Something in you was triggered in the Underground, Robyn. Something your father seems to have instilled in you. You had no more control over it, than I did when I first turned into a Titan."

I hear his understanding, and my god do I want to submit to it.

I want to throw my arms round him, and thank him for understanding, thank him for helping me understand. But it's sticking in my throat. It was just another fucking cycle.

I hang my head forward and laugh bitterly. "She lost control. She wasn't to blame. It was just a convict. Help Robyn, do this for Robyn, run to save Robyn. I always seem to have a built-in excuse for my shittiness." I spit out, hands clasped together, knuckles turning white.

Eren reaches out and puts his hands on mine.

Dammit, they're so warm.

"We don't blame you, Robyn. We know it wasn't you fau-"

"I tried to kill you!" I yell, standing and pushing his hands away.

I loom in the small space and watch indecision dance over his eyes. He was frightened of me in that moment. It's gone in an instant, replaced by shame as he realises he's just reacted to me, in the same way he hated people reacting to him. I don't hate him for it, I _want_ him to hate me right now. Perhaps, he could attempt to hate me, even if only a fraction of how much I hate myself, for this repeated weakness. My eye throbs. It's frightening to think you know someone, and then realise that no, you've no fucking idea. It's even worse when you realise the person you're not sure of, is yourself.

"Robyn, please..."

"Eventually the excuses run out, Eren." I sigh and shake my head, a tear escaping before I swipe it away and grit my teeth.

"It's not excuses! It's just the truth. You weren't even conscious of hurting that guy, or me."

"I'm accountable for this, I'm accountable for it all. I'm not about to just go ahead and blame my _fucking_ Daddy issues, all over again. It's my head, so I can learn to control it. Or if I can't? If it really is impossible to avoid these blackout attacks? Then I'll just- I'll..." I stop my mouth from running and shake my head, there was no point admitting to that. I chuckle to myself and leave the wagon. I jump down and walk over the cobbled compound. "I'll figure out another solution."

"That better not mean what I think it means, Robyn."

I don't look back. "I dunno what you think it means, Eren. So I can't really comment, can I?"

"You'll hurt yourself?"

I mutter under my breath. " _If it stops me hurting anyone else I love? Too fucking right, I will_."

I reach for the door, but suddenly my shoulder's in his grip and he spins me, pinning me to the door. Ow. It's not indecision in his eyes now, but fear. Outright and shining fear.

"It'll take time to control it, Robyn, you need to know that." He says, other hand landing on my other shoulder. He doesn't intend to let me go, does he? "Don't go jumping to assumptions, and doing something stupid."

I fight against his hold, but of course the bugger's strong. I set my lips. "Doing something stupid, is pretty much just a habit now."

"Stop it." He demands, his grip on my shoulders tightening and brewing bruises.

I shake my head at him. "Stop what? Stop being honest with myself? Eren, think about it, what good have I ever actually done this regiment?"

"What?" He huffs, eyes wide.

"I brought murder to their door, and then what? Just a huge tangled mess of Sanshi shite. Over and over, and over!" I fight against him again, but he just pushes me harder against the wood.

His eyes blaze and he looks genuinely furious.

His teeth are bared for a moment. "This isn't the time to fucking wallow, Robyn."

"I'm not. I'm just being honest with myself, maybe it's time you do the same." I snarl back at his growling tones, and I feel his grip tighten more.

Indecision returns to his eyes and then he nods slowly. "Yeah, maybe I should do that."

My hands lay flat against the door, bracing as I anticipate him turning away from me. Do it Eren, turn your back on this mess and run. Or better yet, cast me to the gutter and get inside the HQ. Bolt the doors and keep this psycho on the end of her father's warped strings, out.

Eren licks his lips. "Maybe it really is time to be honest with myself, to stop waiting around. Maybe it's time to stop simply waiting for an opportunity."

His words throw me.

"The hell are you on about?" I wriggle more and he actually thumps me back against the door. I groan as a bruise forms on the back of my skull. "Eren, cut this shit out or I'll-"

"You'll what? Threaten to hurt yourself? Shrink back into the shadows of your head again? You just said so yourself, Robyn, no more excuses." He growls, and I push against him.

"Eren!"

"This honest enough?" He demands before suddenly his lips are on mine and I swear I really have lost my damned mind.

The pain behind my eyes surges and I groan, shoving against him as best I can. But he's determined, and his arms snake round me. No! Dammit, not this shit, not today, not now! He was tainting everything, every smile, every hug, every innocent moment of depending, confiding, trusting. It was turning into an agenda, morphing into cons. Don't do this, Eren. I bring my head forward, smacking my head off his and bursting my own lip off his teeth. He staggers back. I push off the door, smack him with a punch to the jaw and kick him in the stomach.

Today is not the fucking day for this.

Silence takes the compound. I stand, leaning on my knees and panting. Blood hits the stonework by my feet, my lip dribbling blood. Iron coats my tongue and my eyes sting. Eren tries to get to his feet. I glare at him, and for all his momentary madness, the ass has the good sense to stay the hell on the ground.

"You're kidding me, right?" I gasp. "We just escaped the Underground, Jean's been shot and I just tore a man to pieces, during an apparently conditioned black-out rage... So you choose _now_ to try and snog me? _Really_? _"_

"You wanted honesty." He growls right back, and I shake my head in disbelief.

"Wake the fuck up Eren, timing is everything." I spit blood out my mouth, and wipe my lips upon my sleeve.

He looks up from his kneeling position, hand on his gut and eyes weary. "In the bathroom, you said you didn't know my feelings, that you couldn't read me. So now I'm saying it, I'm _showing_ you what's going on. You can't just throw out a threat to end your own life, and not expect me to act on it. Robyn, I'm sick of watching time run out!"

"You didn't say shit, you just slammed me against a door, you arse. And at the end of the day, Eren, why _the fuck_ should I care about your inner feelings?!" I demand, voice cracking.

He looks confused.

I half-laugh, and scrape my hair back, looking to the sky for a moment.

"I care about you, Eren. But as a friend! I owe you _nothing_ beyond that. I've only ever looked to you as a friend, so whatever the hell you have going on in your own head? It's got _fuck all_ to do with me!"

"But I-"

"No!" I back up a couple steps. "Just because you've decided, for whatever misguided reason, that you're in love with me, doesn't mean I automatically have to return it!"

He blinks and shrinks a little.

I try, but the tears escape, I have no means to stop them.

"How dare you?" I pant, it almost sounding like a sob. "With everything else going on right now, you thought you'd just throw yourself at me? What was I meant to do? Melt into a tender kiss and moan your name? Beg you to fuck away all my problems, and start our happily-ever-after?"

"I-I don't know!" He yells.

Yeah, I know he's confused. I know I scared him with my foolish words, and I know he's as wound up and emotional as I am right now. Hell, we're all at the end of our tethers. But I can't let this stupidity go on any longer. If I don't kill it now, I'll just end up with Mikasa in bits again, and Eren resenting me.

I can't do that.

This is the only family I have left, dammit.

"Eren... You have never said a damned thing to me about this. So... s-so how dare you eavesdrop on an argument, between me and Mikasa, and decide that now you have the right to lay claim to me? I'm with Levi, where is the confusion, there?"

"I only wanted you to know how I feel!"

I snort and shake my head, looking down in disbelief at his hurt eyes. "Then say it, Eren. Speak to me, don't force yourself on me."

He swallows hard.

I smile despite myself, the expression bitter as my lips thin. "What you just d-did? It makes you no better than J-Jack. For god's sake, Eren, you're better than that." I back away again when he stands up, looking lost, but right now I want him to look like that. This is where this misunderstanding stops, this is where he stops looking to me as anything but what might have been. Not what could be.

"I-I'm sorry!" He blurts out. "I was just... y-you were talking about killing yourself!"

"So you thought you'd kiss me back to my senses?" I laugh, emotions overriding reason and making me feel rather hysterical. Eren takes a step back thankfully, and I think he sees it clearer now. "There's a lot of steaming shit going on right now. Your unrequited love for me, is hardly top of the list."

He winces, and then he nods.

It feels like a door just finally closed. It snaps shut and will no longer let that weird draft occasionally ruffle our hair. It was done with. I want to just grin, I want to tell him to take it easy, and not worry himself into a hole over it - but I can't quite do that. Again, it sticks in my throat. He knows my history, he knows my past, and yet he still felt the need to force that kiss onto my lips. That... that really wasn't okay.

"I never thought I'd actually have to say this to you, of all people, but grow the fuck up." I sigh as exhaustion settles over my mind. I turn and wrench the door open. "Get yourself inside, and cleaned up. Do your job as a soldier, and let's go the hell home."

"Robyn, I'm sorry."

"So am I." I murmur and walk away, the door closing without another word behind me.

My footsteps echo up the stairs. The building was so quiet. I head for my room, but pause when glancing down the corridor. Levi stands at his office door. He doesn't say anything, but really he doesn't need to. His window looks down into the compound, doesn't it? He saw and heard everything. His head tilts, and he nods inside, before disappearing through the threshold.

In all honesty, I think I'm allowed to accept that invitation.

I walk along the corridor, his door left slight ajar. I hear sloshing water from the make-shift emergency room we had. Sounded like Jean was really getting his dream scenario today. A sponge bath, from Mikasa? I smirk to myself, despite what just happened. Normalcy was still possible today, that was a comforting notion.

Then I'm doing a double-take.

Mikasa comes round the corner in front of me.

She blinks and tilts her head at me. "Robyn? You all right? You look a little pale."

I clear my throat free of the need to giggle, realising it was Armin in there bathing Jean instead. Poor bastard really couldn't catch a break.

I scratch the back of my neck and shake my head at her concerned expression. "Nah, it's all right. You should probably go um... See to, Eren. He was down in the compound just now, and he might need a cold press on his jaw." I explain, and her brows go up.

"Because..?"

I smirk and shrug. "Guess he heard our little... discussion the other night. In the bathroom? Well... He decided to spell it out for silly old me."

"Oh!" She blushes. "And... your response was?"

"Like I said, he needs a cold-press on his jaw. Possibly something warm on his gut as well." I say before walking on, hoping she might spare me the lecture. Her hand catches my sleeve and I look up to her now warm eyes. I blink. Hadn't seen a positive response coming, if I'm honest. "Mikasa?"

"Thank you. Maybe now he'll finally get it into his head... and maybe I can get it into mine. I... I'm just glad you didn't have to smack me as well, though."

"So am I, you'd kick my ass." I grin and she returns it before heading down the corridor slightly faster paced than normal. Go ahead and swoop in, Mikasa. Dunno how much good it'll do, but hey, I clearly have no idea what the hell's going on anyway.

I get to Levi's door and lightly press on the wood.

The hinges squeak.

"Not a bad right hook, brat." Levi murmurs from his desk, glancing up and raising a brow. "But I have to admit... I'm a little disappointed you kicked him in the stomach."

"Would you have preferred me to aim lower, Captain?"

"Yeah, just a bit."

* * *

 **Well there we go, lots of action, eh?! Hope you all enjoyed! I know I did ;)**

S **ee you in 3-4 weeks, please leave a fav, follow and review!**

 **Shoutouts:**

 **MoonLover765:** Glad you enjoyed the chapter, I hope this one was good for you as well!

 **Grimm (chpt53-57):** Whoa you have been busy, my friend! Thanks so much for reviewing as you go! Please don't apologise, haha, I know life gets busy - BELIEVE ME I know, haha. I know what you mean by the haitus, I only just had one after all. Yeah, I'm glad you liked Kenny, I wanted to use him in a less outright violent way at first. Family reunions are always fun... right? I'm so glad you have all these questions popping up, it's good to know I have you intrigued, hehe! Yeah robyn doubts her worth far more often than she should, but hey, character flaws, right? You don't understand how I've written love, or you just generally don't understand it? Haha, yeah I got a little carried away with the Keza and Erwin section, it was a lot of fun to do! Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reviewing, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

 **Sebastian:** So glad you liked the chapter! I got waaay too into the Keza and Erwin scene, it was only meant to be a small blip, haha. Sounds like you have a great set-up going with him for the writing, kudos on it. What's your story about? Or rather, what fandom? I hope you liked the update, thanks for reviewing, see you next time! Oh, and good luck with the new story!

 **JustUrAverageLoser (dang, harsh name man)Chpt17 :** That was such a lovely review, thank you! I hope you find this response, you reviewed a while back! Aw wow, thank you for the Levi praise, it's always a worry for me, so thank you, means a lot ^_^ I intend to continue them and properly end them, don't worry, nothing shall be abandoned, haha. You're very kind, indeed, thank you so much for the praise, glad you're enjoying and I hope you enjoyed this chapter too. Thanks for reviewing!


	59. Red Burning Blood

**Hellooooooo my lovely readers, a day early because my niece is over this weekend and I'm collecting her today, so bonus for you lot, I guess? Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT, only Robyn and Keza - crazy wenches that they are.**

* * *

In the cold light of morning, after a couple hours of rather restless, and very pointless, non-sleep, I sat with Levi having breakfast. The room here was nothing like the mess-hall back home, of course, but it was still a communal area. It got me slightly out of my head-space, even if only a little. I sip my coffee, enjoying the warmth and hoping it might linger in me for the ride home. If we went home today, that is.

Armin gives a wave as he appears at the foot of the stairs. He's wiping his hands on a bloodied towel.

Levi's eyes tightened. "Kirtschtein doing all right, Artlet?"

"Yes, sir, I just had to change the bandaging and some stitching had come loose. Nothing to worry about." Armin explains, sitting down and wiping his brow with the clean towel he had on the other shoulder. "Overall, he's doing well. I gave him something for the pain too. He'll need sleep, but I reckon we could head for HQ whenever we want. He's eager to avoid being a bother, anyway."

"You've done an amazing job, Armin. Hanji'll be proud." I nod, and he returns it with a slight blush. At first I chuckle, assuming it was his usual inability to receive a compliment, but then he frowns. He's looking fixedly at the table, awkwardly shifting his weight. I tilt my head. "Armin? What's wrong?"

"I heard what happened," he breathes, closing his eyes as shame radiates off him. I sit back a bit and Levi just sips his coffee.

I clear my throat. "Oh. Right."

"I... Robyn, I'm really sorry." Armin sighs and shakes his head. I exchange a look with Levi, neither of us certain what Armin could be possibly apologising for. "I knew he felt deeply for you, I just - I guess, I never imagined he'd do something so forceful."

"I didn't either, I don't think any of us did." I try to reach over to take his hand, but Armin just retracts them and grits his teeth.

"Maybe if I'd told you- Or if I'd tried to-"

"Artlet, you're not his damned babysitter." Levi rolled his eyes and I glare at him. He raises his brows. "What? You _want_ the bookworm to feel bad, about Jeager's actions?"

"No!" I groan, putting my head on the table. "But I don't want you belittling him either, sir." I shake my head and look up at a very pink Armin. "I don't blame you, I don't blame Mikasa, hell... A small part of me doesn't even blame, Eren."

"A stupid part." Levi mutters and I throw another glare his way, he clicks his tongue. "Cut the shit."

"What, shit?" I demand, getting annoyed.

Levi glares now. "You're acting as if Jeager isn't accountable, like he's somehow beyond reproach. Well sorry, no, yesterday he acted like a damn pervert and I intend to treat him as such. Glare all you like, Robyn. I'm just being, honest."

"Yeah, that's one word for it." I mumble at my food. Then I flinch. Someone is stood, listening at the foot of the stairs. Let's face it; Jean's unable to move alone, Mikasa doesn't look anything like Eren out the corner of your eye, and Armin is sat right in front of me. Also taking into account, sods law, my luck, and fucking inconvenient timing, I'd say that was Eren having heard everything.

Hello, Eren.

Ding, ding, ding.

I look over and see him staring, red in the face, with hands clenched at his sides. Levi glances over, raising a brow and sipping his coffee slowly. As usual, very few fucks were given. Meanwhile, Armin is so rigid, I think he's going to rupture something.

Levi sets his coffee down. "Morning, come to pin Artlet to the wall next? Or you planning on trying your luck with me?" Levi's eyes flashed, and I growl at him.

Eren winced. "N-No sir, of course not, sir."

"Good plan." Levi drawls, turning away from the unnerved cadet.

Eren clears his throat. "Robyn, may I speak with you privately?"

I nod. "Sure, let's-"

"Not a chance." Levi snaps and stands. I'm about to argue, when I get that look thrown at me. There was no arguing with that look. My mouth closes. "Yes, I'm speaking as the Captain of this Squad, so no, it isn't up for discussion. Ready the horses, Jeager, you can speak with Cadet Sanshi back at HQ. Under supervision." He adds with a curt thinning of his lips.

Eren gives a meek nod and looks to the floor, wringing his hands together. "Yes, sir. Of course, sir. Thank you, sir." And he leaves.

I watch Eren scuttle off, tail firmly between his legs, and I wonder why I don't enjoy it more. Really I should. I guess, my want to protect him was a little too ingrained by this point. I frown at Levi, but my Captain meets my gaze without hesitation. He really thought this was best.

I shake my head. "Levi, this isn't the way to-"

"Robyn, I don't like interrupting you, but seriously, this is the last thing you need." Levi ran a finger along the rim of his coffee cup, eyes slightly distant. "Only yesterday you had a black-out episode, and brutally killed a man without even knowing it. I'm the most qualified here, to advise you on what you do, or don't need. Agreed?"

I nod.

"Exactly, so this certainly isn't the time for some half-baked Love Triangle bullshit. He can crack one off in a sock, and then deal with it till we get back to HQ. That's final, brat." He adds.

When I look up again, his gaze confuses me, but it also sways me. Not only is he looking at me like a firm Captain, but he was also pleading. He was begging me to trust his judgement. So for now, I will.

"Very well, sir. I'll ride in the wagon with Jean, give him care on the road."

"Sounds like a plan." Levi nods, seeming grateful. "Artlet, see to the medical supplies being in the wagon, and then we'll get Kirtschtein in there together. Got it?"

We nod and break away.

Soon we'd be heading home, soon we'd get there, and soon I hope I can have some time to straighten myself out. Maybe clawing some more answers out of Valarie, would work. Perhaps, her teasing about my purpose, was actually founded. Perhaps, she had been alluding to this strange black-out issue. I swallow hard, part of me hopes so, to allow answers, but another part of me is desperate for it not to be so. It would just mean I could once again be my father's plaything. His obedient little girl.

The dead never seemed to stay dead, especially when the dead were bastards.

I can't cower before Vincent Sanshi's will and accept it.

I can't do that again.

It tastes bitter at the back of my throat.

It tastes like bile, and ash.

* * *

The rest of the day is awkward as hell. We load the wagon, pack the horses, and make for HQ. The quiet is heavy, like the close heat on a clouded day. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. But still, we get moving, and we focus on the journey home. It's a quiet ride for the most part; Eren and Mikasa ride alongside me and Jean in the wagon, whilst Armin rides upfront with Levi as we traipse through the town. Civilians pass by without note, there's no heckling today, no stones to be thrown. We look like nothing more than a squad that had lost their way. Nothing important. Since escaping the Underground, there had been no sign of our adversaries, and the Garrison had reported no sightings either. I can only hope the bastards have stayed down, in their hole. Or returned there, soon after. Jean's asleep for the time being, pain subsiding at last, to let the poor guy rest. He's pale, with a slight fever, but when awake he was lucid enough. Kept apologising for getting shot, daft man that he is. Armin was doing well as a medic, I look forward to telling Hanji all about it.

The street recedes behind us.

Despite everything, the mission had been a success. We had found the recruitment drive, we had disbanded it, and sent a clear message. It was what we came to do. Yet, success didn't mean it had gone smoothly. Even so, a win was a win. My mind fizzes, unable to fully wrap round all that had transpired. Finally, me and Mikasa had cleared the air, and I guess me and Eren had too. Now, I just have to worry about what friendship is left. I hope... n-no, I think, me and Mikasa, will be okay. She seemed happy with me in the corridor, and she hasn't avoided my gaze or anything since then. She even asked how I was feeling whilst we packed the wagon.

Eren though, he was another story.

He kept his distance, he averted his eyes, he was drowning in shame. But still, I can't offer a rope. It would feel wrong to even try, really. He fucked up. There was no denying that. He'd eaten in his room, and kept to himself beyond Armin and Mikasa. I haven't really bothered to look his way in all honesty, not since Levi's suggestion. It was true, my Captain was the only one who could understand what had happened to me in the Underground. He knew what it was to be on the end of another's string. I had to follow his advice, it would be foolishly arrogant to do anything else. I didn't need this complication, I needed time and space to think.

Now, the world just had to give me that chance.

I swallow hard, and pull the blanket closer to Jean when he gives a soft groan in his sleep. It was definitely getting colder. I wonder how soon the snows might set in. Perhaps being cut-off from everything for a while, was a more tangible idea than I'd previously thought. Maybe-

"Hey! Sanshi!" That voice snaps out of nowhere, and I shiver again. I peer back into the street. Someone was approaching on a horse. "Oi! Leavin' without sayin' goodbye?" Kenny's voice becomes clearer as he bawls out to us.

Oh no.

That is _definitely_ not what I need either.

I stare as my fists curl, and I hear a horse riding back along the side of the wagon.

"Jeager, get to the front with Artlet." Levi's come to see what his Uncle wants, and I'll admit I'm glad. Whilst I don't think I need Levi to sweep it at all times, this is definitely a moment for chivalry. I don't have my gear, I only have my personal blade, and a gun that's lying next to Jean just in case. Against Kenny the Ripper, that didn't feel like much of a defence. Kind of like fighting a dragon with a oil infused stick.

When coming into view, Levi glances at me and then to Kenny. He'd handle it.

"Get lost, old man. We're leaving the city right away, so you can go back to whatever bullshit you were doing. We have no more business with you."

Kenny laughs, and shakes his head.

I turn away and check on Jean, I don't want to be near that man. He knew things about my past. And even though he'd spouted plenty in that small kitchen, I still felt like he knew more.

Trembling sets into my frame, whilst the pain bubbles up behind my eye.

Kenny chortles. "C'mon, not gonna hear me out, at all?"

"We don't want to know, Kenny." Levi snarls, and I just hope the old git leaves. My head isn't in the right place for his games. I can't manoeuvre around this.

"Oi, Sanshi! You remembered, right? I was there, that day! I was there when Daddy went bonkers. Don't you wanna know details? Don't you want to know everything?"

"Fuck." I hiss, unable to avoid looking over my shoulder. I'm playing into his hands, I know that, but that Sanshi fire is blocking reason. It blocks everything.

"Brat, don't-"

Kenny laughs again. "C'mon, don't wanna head down memory lane with me?" The red mist descends as that pain blossoms into full agony. He smirks. "Don't wanna hear tales of your Daddy?"

I stand up. "Who the fuck cares, where you were?" I turn properly and yell out of the wagon, holding onto the roof to steady myself as we roll along.

"Seems you do little lady, I can explain it. I can explain it all." Kenny gets closer and Levi almost draws a blade. "I can explain what happened to your Dearest Daddy."

"You don't need to explain it, you idiot. I know what happened. You're the one that set him off, you pressured him, forced him, angered him."

"That's it, get angry, just like _Daddy_." He chuckles and I lob an errant stone at him. Levi clicks his tongue, rides ahead and the wagon slows to almost a stop. Kenny matches pace. "He could never keep a hold of himself either, pathetic really. A couple loose canons, destined to destroy anything and everything around them."

"You don't know me, you ass-hole." I snarl, teeth bared, rationality slipping. It was want he wanted, but I can't deny that I want to rip Kenny limb from limb.

"I know ya plenty."

I lunge back to Jean, grab the gun and head back out the wagon. I jump off as it continues to move. The wheels rattle to a proper stop as I do, aiming the gun between the bastard's eyes.

"Robyn, get back in the wagon!" I hear Levi yell, jumping from his horse.

My whole head is throbbing with the pain.

"Fuck you, Kenny!" I click back the hammer and ready my shot, but then Levi pulls it down. The bullet sinks into the cobbles. "Why're you stopping me?"

Levi grabs my wrist, holding tight. "Because despite what you might think, you don't need to kill him!"

I struggle, but Levi can't be felled by my sorry ass. I glare. "Don't you hate him?"

"I do, but he's clearly got ties to high places. They could bury you." Levi hisses, still trying to tug me back. But I don't move. I might be weaker, but I was a stubborn mule all the same.

Kenny approaches on foot now, muttering under his breath.

My blood boils. "You did it Kenny, it was you that sent Vincent over the edge and made him lose it. My mother's death is on you."

"I did nothing, little girl." Kenny smirks and continues to mutter, something fogging over my mind.

The mist thickens.

I swallow hard. "You sent him o-over the ed...edge... and you... y-you..."

I... I can't think.

"Just w-what do you want from me?" I demand, and the muttering stops for a moment, my mind clearing slightly. "Why not just... l-let us leave?" I swallow hard and try to brush it off. There wasn't anything wrong, it was just a game. I had never spent any real time near Kenny, he didn't have control over me. The supposed conditioning was from my father, not this ass-hole. He had no sway, surely?

Levi pulls on me again. "Robyn, get back."

Kenny grins. "C'mon little lady, never wondered why your temper runs so hot?"

I stare, a quiet moment slipping between us all. More footsteps approach, and I can only assume we now have an audience made from our comrades. Levi's grip loosens. I lunge forward and I slap the old bastard hard.

"Stop talking in fucking riddles. You came here to say something, s-so fucking say it!" I yell, voice echoing like the gunshot.

Levi's grip on my wrist reappears, tighter than ever.

Some shutters creak closed around us.

I hold my breath.

"You really are the perfect subject, ain't ya?" Kenny wipes blood off his lip and doffs his hat. "Have to give credit to old Vincey, he did well turning you into the weapon they wanted. We just didn't have the patience, clearly."

"He didn't turn me into anything." I hiss, and something flashes in Kenny's eyes.

"No?"

I grumble and try to smack him again with my free hand, but Kenny catches my wrist. He squeezes, and the gun falls to the stones.

"I know what you're implying from my temper, you lying bastard."

He squeezes and I give a yell. "What's that?"

"I'm not a Titan, you piece of shit! If I was, you wouldn't be doing that to my damned wrist. I've b-been hurt countless times and not a lick of steam has saved me." I pant, that fog returning slightly as he mumbled something else.

What the hell was he saying?!

Kenny's grin somehow got wider. "Maybe it just needs triggered?"

"Oh, and being tortured and raped for a couple weeks would do that?" I scoff, tugging my arm free from him, only to have the other pulled again by my persistent Captain.

To and fro, a good little puppet.

Kenny leans forward. "Never know with these things, little lady, they can be very... tricky. But listen here, m'kay? What if, I were to say those special words to ya? Hm? Test the waters as it were?"

"Special words?" I spit.

"Aye, special little words. Right in your pink little ear."

I shiver, but don't look away from his yellowed gaze. "The fuck are you talking about, you crazy old git?"

For a couple seconds he stares.

I roll my eyes. "Would you just spit it out or-"

He leans in and whispers, hot breath tickling my skin and making the hairs on the back of my neck twitch. " _Blood of the father, blood of the mother, red burning blood_."

My knees buckle.

It's like my spine's just been ripped out, and I have no control over my own limbs.

I smack onto the cobbles, on all fours. What the hell? I gasp, air thin as I hold myself up as best I can. But, I can barely move at all. Every inch of me shudders. Those words, dammit, I know those words. The world thunders with my heartbeat, my bones trembling as they sit dormant. It's like stone has filled my entire body.

"Robyn?" Levi puts a hand on my shoulder, but when I don't move, he kneels beside me. "Robyn? C'mon look at..." his words fall away as he sees my face. I don't know what expression I'm wearing, but it looks like he's inside one of his many nightmares.

"Lev-" I slump to the side, still panting, still staring ahead as those words swim around me. They're everywhere. Blood of the father. Blood of the mother. Red burning blood. Fire crackles in my ears, laughter bubbles around me, heat floods my leaden bones. Bile and ash gurgle up my throat.

The words brand me, hold me, bind me.

Ropes wind over my wrists, ankles, neck and waist.

A puppet through and through.

D-Daddy?

What did you do?

* * *

 **LEVI POV**

She slumps to the side and I watch as her eyes dart around the place. Confusion, pain, dammit, she's filled with ghosts. I look back to the squad, and they stare. It's like that night, oh-so-fucking long ago, on the roof. They don't know how to react, and even I don't. The world once again warps around us, and piles pain onto Robyn's lap.

"She ain't going anywhere, boyo." Kenny snorts, and I glare up at the old bastard.

I hadn't even heard the words he said to her, he had the gal to whisper them, taunt her with them. And now this? It was one thing to come back and berate me about the past, it was something else, to harm my present. He'd pay. I flinch as Robyn gives an especially choked gasp, her hands reaching for me. I take them gladly, hoping to allow a little calm to her panic, but its like she doesn't even know I'm here.

The hell had he done to her?

"Le...vi," her voice is like broken glass, her blinking getting too slow for my liking. She was weakening. But then something clicks, and she's completely rigid. Her jaw snaps shut and her back arches. Small whimpers escape her.

Dammit, she's in agony.

"Robyn! Kenny, what the fuck have you done to her?" I demand, trying to hold her, to support her body, but she's jolting too much. I can do nothing, yet again.

The old shit just lights up a cigar, like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. He draws on it, and blows out, smirking down at me. I've never hated him more.

"You wanted to know the extent of this thing, boy, so now I'm showing you." He gestures to her as she arches further, muscles obviously strained as she gives small cries between her teeth.

I don't know what to do.

Why is it, when she needs me to act the most, I never know what to do?

"Kenny just-"

"Stop moving." He barks ,and she does. "Stop breathing."

It's instant.

She's still, totally limp against the cold cobbles and no longer taking a breath.

Not a single wheeze.

I shake her shoulders. "Robyn? Robyn breathe... Please!"

This was beyond what the White Cloaks had done to me, this was a whole new level of control. Robyn's eyes fly around the place, desperately seeking me out. Or maybe, she's just looking for answers. All I know is, I can't stop this. She might not even be seeing me, the real world, or anything at all. I pointlessly paw at her, trying to shift her into a better position, trying to open her mouth. But, nothing's working.

Her skin pales.

"Kenny, stop this."

"Nah, boy, I need you to know where you stand. This ain't something you can order her out of, this is the real deal. Conditioning, at its finest. She don't even remember it being done."

Robyn whimpers.

I swallow hard. I hadn't felt this useless since being in chains, being forced to watch those animals use her. "All right, I understand, I get it, I'm fucked. Just let her breathe!"

"I can let her die boy, you get that?" Kenny flicks ash at her, my knuckles paling. "The family can do it as well. They have the saying, the special words, it took em' this long to find them. They have it now, and your little redhead is officially a liability."

"But why?" I demand, feeling time slip away. "Why was this even done to her?"

"That I dinnea know, above my pay grade. But what I do know? I should stop this right here, and right now. I can save ya, Levi." Kenny says, and for a second I just stare at him. Save me? Was this... was this, some last stitch attempt to be a father towards me? It was about as messed up as it got. So maybe that was it.

I grimace at him and shove him away when he tries to put a filthy hand on my shoulder. "Release her, then we can talk, Kenny."

"She's nae good!" He yells.

"I don't fucking care." I growl, "I'm no good either, you saw to that. Now stop tormenting her, god dammit!"

Kenny shook his head, flicking ash at me instead. "So ye'll still be a fool in love. Heh, ye leave me no choice."

"What're you gonna do?" I hold Robyn's hand tight, her skin's getting cold and clammy. The orange glow from Kenny's cigar lights his cruel features, just like it did in the Underground. Just like it always had.

"Anything that I can. You'll see what I mean, and you'll see there's no other choice than to do away with her."

I glance back to the other cadets. Mikasa's hiding in her damned scarf, likely tears running down her face. Artlet's holding onto her, doing his best to focus on that rather than what's happening. Jeager? He's just staring, and I'll admit, he looks just about as scared as I feel.

Finally he lets her breathe, but that's all.

Dammit, what do I do?

* * *

 **ROBYN POV**

"She don't even remember it being done..." the words flicker away as my eyes start to be blotched by darkness. I'm being smothered by it. Angry warbling goes on and on, whilst I sink deeper and deeper. Is it coming? Is that blue light about to reappear? Is it going to pull me under those cold waves again and blot everything out?

Air fills my lungs. It's so cold and sweet, like mountain flowers near a stream. Finally. No movement is allowed, but at least I can taste air. My ears are ringing, my heart is pounding, my eyes are blearing.

I can't imagine a world without pain, my back screaming as I arch further and further. It's like he wants to snap me clean in half. Fold me up like a newspaper.

A world without pain just doesn't fucking exist any more.

Mum, please make him stop.

"Robyn fight it, c'mon, fight it." I hear Levi yell, his voice bursting into my world. My eyes gradually clear, showing me his panicked face. Shit, I'm so sorry, Levi. What am I doing here on the floor? Why does everything hurt? "You have to try!"

Yeah, you're right, Captain.

What am I doing? Giving in?

Hell, no.

"Oh, she is tryin'." Kenny says, looking at me coldly. I grit my teeth. "Look at her hands twitchin'. If she keeps pushing like that, she's likely to hurt herself. Stand up, girl. Stand and hold that pretty little blade to your arm. Don't cut, just hold it." He commands, and I do. There's nothing in the world I would rather do, in this moment. My body moves easily, lithely, like I'm in water.

I get up, and I draw the blade before Levi can get a hold of it. Don't get in the way, Captain. It's how it's meant to be. The edge is cold against my skin. Wait, what? I stare at Levi as I realise what the hell I'm doing. My eyes go wide and pleading. I continue to try and break this hold that Kenny has over me. Why had I been so eager to obey? I don't want to slice myself open! Shadows linger at the edges of my vision and I groan between my teeth.

How the hell was Kenny doing this?

How the hell had he managed to do this, to me?!

How dare he?!

"Robyn..." Levi says, holding his hands up to me. "Robyn, you need to calm down."

I frown at him, feeling a warmth along my top lip.

My nose was bleeding.

I then feel a similar warmth along my arm. The twitching of my hand had caused the flesh to be broken, and rubies dribble into the puddle below. By fighting it, I was only making it worse. Like in all things, my effort was just messing it up. I stop fighting, and a sigh escapes me. I blink slow. Yes, that was it. I feel... I... I feel like I'm floating. The pressure is relieved from my mind. Responsibility melts away, and my body feels filled with air instead of stone. It's peaceful, almost. A-Almost blissful. I swallow hard, muscles feeling heavy and yet supported. It was like lying in bed after a long day's training.

I could sleep forever.

I want to sleep forever.

"Kill Levi." Kenny barks.

The lightness vanishes.

Focus and precision grip me.

Of course, of course, that's what I have to do.

"Stay back!" Levi yells to the side, and I don't know who the hell he's talking to. Such a silly thing to do. We had work to do, sir.

The blade slashes into view, and I watch myself strike at Levi. He retreats. He blocks my attack with his own blade. I blink again. This... This wasn't right. I didn't want to do this, did I? I blink again, the bliss slipping away as I claw back at that strange itch in my mind. This wasn't right, at all. I didn't want to hurt Levi, I never wanted to hurt Levi. Did I?

But it f-feels so... So _good_.

"Fuck!" Levi cries, my blade catching along his forearm slightly.

Red spills into view, and I feel the need rage inside of me. I need to spill it all. It needs to pain the cobbles. He retreats and gains the high ground on the wagon. Troublesome. I watch the red slip from his flesh and I revel in it. My bones tingle. So good. More. I need more. I clamber up, still attacking, but still there's that damned itch.

Just, leave me alone.

"Robyn!" He yells as we fall, his voice cracking.

I jolt.

Levi?

The bliss disappears. The weightlessness vanishes. Instead I ache all over as I grab my wrist and hold it back from him. The blade hovers over his chest, far too close to not haunt my dreams. I'm straddling him in the street, seconds away from plunging that knife into his heart. How did I get here? He pants, holding me back.

Shit, but I was so close.

I blink hard, and gasp between gritted teeth. What the hell was I doing?! I groan, that warmth returning to my lip again, only now it doesn't trickle, it pours. It runs down my chin and neck, likely dripping onto him as well. My knees quake against my will. The blade inches closer, catching on his shirt material. He's weakened thanks to that slash.

Shit, I needed to stop this.

I was gonna end up killing him.

Why hadn't he fought back harder?

I feel sick.

I remember how I'd felt when Levi clasped his hands around my neck, when he finally came home after those long six months. I had simply been sorry for the guilt he would feel, after killing me. I hadn't been able to fight back at all. I had blamed myself for his situation. So what was Levi blaming himself for right now? I stare at him, leaning into my aching knees more as the warmth falls off my chin and onto my uniform.

Things grew foggy.

"Take it back, Kenny!" Yells Levi, still holding me back. The knife edges closer. Dammit, I need to do it. I need to. Levi, stop denying me this. I can't breathe without it. I whimper, eyes pouring as I fight against his defences.

But no, I don't want to win!

Sto-stop... stop this!

Someone, fucking stop this!

"Fall." Kenny snaps, and my body gives out.

He cut my strings. I dangle from Levi's hands and then he rolls us, slowly lowering me to the ground. The warmth stops running out of my nose , and instead, a coldness sinks into me. Why didn't that blue light take me when it had the chance?

"Stay still, and listen." Kenny growls, marching over by the sound of his boots.

He looms whilst Levi cradles me, having pried the knife from my hand. It clanged over the cobbles, well out of reach. My Captain stares down at me, shaking his head. He's as lost as I am right now, isn't he? I blink slow.

There's no fight left.

Please, don't order me to hurt him, Kenny, I can't deny you now.

"Can it be over-ruled?" Levi asks, looking up. Levi's hold on me tightens when he sees that denial in Kenny's eyes. It didn't look good.

"Not unless you fancy conditioning the wench to your own phrasing, nah."

"What's the phrasing?" Levi leaves bruises on my arms, he's holding so tight. Kenny shakes his head. "Kenny, dammit, tell me!"

"Why should I, boy? You've done nothing but shit all over the past since you set foot back down here. You refused to stop, when I gave you the chance. She ain't your concern anyway, she hasn't been anyone's concern since she were born." Kenny snorts, and looks down at me. "Once they get a hold of you, girlie, you're never gonna know what free-will is again. Enjoy it whilst you can." He then murmurs another phrase, too low for me to really catch beyond the compulsion, and I feel the strings fall away from my bones.

I relax into Levi's hold for a moment.

I was free?

Then I jolt, and roll out the way so I can vomit. My body rejects it all. It can't handle what just happened. Somehow it was worse than that cell, than those whips, than those men holding me down. It was so much more invasive, more overpowering. More violating. In the end, I'm just retching.

"You _have_ to know something more, Kenny." Levi says, sounding so desperate it hurts to hear. It didn't suit him.

The cigar lands by my hand. "Oh, do I?"

"Dammit, how long are you going punish me for escaping?"

"I ain't punishing you for anything like that, you stupid midget." I hear rustling, and I look up through bleared eyes. Kenny grips Levi by his collar. My Captain's hands are in fists, but he's withholding. He's withholding for me. "You turned your back on your family. That's what you did." Kenny growls, baring his teeth.

My hair falls in front of my face, arms shaking as they hold me up feebly.

Levi's hands go slack. "I didn't want to kill, like you did. That was all."

"Well regardless, boyo, that woman's a lost cause. They're coming for her, and now they know the phrasing. The only way you can free her, and yerself, is doin' away with her." Kenny says before he shoves Levi back.

My Captain staggers.

Life meant little to Kenny.

At least, mine did.

I shudder, and cough weakly. "Do... D-Do you know, what they want me t-to do?"

Kenny raises a brow. "Among other things? Likely take down the Scouting Fuckwits, and anyone loyal to them. You'll be a well trained dog, till they likely take it to the next level and supe you up. If you ain't already."

"Supe?" I question, coughing again and wheezing as I breathe shakily. Levi comes back over, moving me away from my sick, and running his hand up and down my back. Ever the faithful man. Pity being, that he needed to let me go. But still, he holds me steady as I waver all over the place.

Kenny kneels down and tilts his head. Something flashes in his eyes. "Titan."

I stare, wide-eyed and unable to argue. It was a logical next step, I guess. Be in total control of the human, you'd likely be in control of the titan too. I try to speak, try to think, try to breathe, but it's hopeless. And it isn't by command this time, I just can't process this. I slump against Levi. My past hadn't just poked it's head in this time, no. It was taking back control. I was no better than the weeping kid staring into flames.

Actually, I think I was worse.

"They'll use you until you're totally spent. You won't know what's real and what ain't. You won't know the difference between what you want, and what you're told to want." Kenny tilts his hat. "Remember all them times your father made you his little puppet? Got you to do things, in exchange of him not hurtin' yer mother?"

I nod, tears brimming my eyes.

Kenny smirks. "Well it's that, only worse. Much worse."

Levi tugs me closer, one ear pressed to his chest. I can't remember the last time I heard his heart so panicked. "The hell do you get out of tormenting her like this?" He snarls, holding me close. He's so warm.

"She needs to know, what she's in for. She needs to know, what their power's gonna be." With each sentence, he leers in a little more, and I feel that cold sensation of hopelessness pool in my gut. It was undeniable. Kenny was right, wasn't he?

In a strange way, this was Kenny, trying to be kind.

I think.

I hang my head. "You think I should end it myself." I breathe, wondering if Eren saw the irony in this situation. Only yesterday, I had said I would be willing to do that, if it meant keeping everyone else safe. And now it seemed like the only door left open.

I look up at Kenny.

He slowly nods.

Levi shudders as he holds me. "What? Like hell!"

"Yer used to fighting against the odds, boy, I get it." Kenny nods, straightening up and heading back over to his horse. "But this ain't a gamble worth taking. The House has already won. Don't you get that?"

"You think I'm just gonna accept that?" Levi lets me go and strides after Kenny. "Tell me the phrasing!"

People appear around me, I think I can hear Armin and Mikasa, but I just stare at my hands. Still stained. Still debauched. Still ruining.

"I ain't telling you shit, it'd only hurt in the long run. They have all the cards, boy. And I have te say that I'm far more invested in their loyalty, than your shitty version of it. Do what you will with the information. You get gutted by the bitch, in your sleep? It ain't my doing." And with that, his horse trots away.

For a few minutes it's just quiet.

The wind shifts our cloaks, it unnerves the horses, it rustles gravel along the road.

For a few minutes, I feel sand slip between my fingers. The grains catch on the drying blood there.

"We need to get back to base." Levi finally says, staring after Kenny. "Get her in the wagon, Mikasa ride in there with her and give me that damned blade." He takes it, and the gun and strides away.

He needs to think, and most of all, he needs to let go. I'm moved like a broken doll into the wagon, happily being selfish and leaning against Mikasa and her kindness. She strokes my hair, murmuring things that I can't hold onto.

When, would it stop?

When, would I stop?

The wagon lurches into movement and I watch the world slip away behind us.

In the cold light of the early afternoon, after a couple more inevitable and undeniable nails in my coffin, I sit with Mikasa watching the rain begin to fall.

* * *

 **So there we have it, DRAAAAMAAAA. Hope you enjoyed!**

 **Please leave a fav, follow and review, loooove to hear from my readers! See you in 3-4 weeks (from the 4th [as in tomorrow] though, coz I'm cheeky and gonna still act like I updated on the 4th)!**

 **SHOUTOUTS:**

 **MoonLover765:** Glad you enjoyed! If you meant the very end, then yes, it was intended to make you laugh. If you meant the scene with Eren, not so much, haha. Hope you enjoyed this update as well, thank you for reviewing, see you next time!

 **TheGreatDebator (chapter 6):** Thanks! Glad you liked the smutt and line, haha, it's a favourite of mine too. I hope you managed to return from the 10th dimension all right, tricky place. Glad to have you on board, and I sincerely hope you're still reading and find this response to your kind review. Always great to know the fandom is still growing, and still pulling in more unfortunate souls, haha! Thanks so very much for taking the time to review, means a lot, and I hope to hear from you again!

 **WhatName:** Hello, welcome to the mad world! You read it in one go? Yeesh, you're dedicated AND masochistic - i like you already, haha! Yeah, it was time for him to be put in his place, to be honest I hadn't originally intended this arc anyway. I didn't even really notice the thing between Eren and Robyn till my boyfriend pointed it out, so there ya go. Haha! It was satisfying to write though. I'm honoured to have been your first taste of the AOT Fanfiction world! I see you've made inroads in my other stories as well, but I'll respond to those reviews with the next updates on those stories, you're very kind for revewing elsewhere too! In so far as recommendations, it kinda depends what you're wanting, OC fics, a certain other ship kind of fic, there's rather a wiiiide spectrum. Not to mention, I have to admit that I have stopped reading fics lately, partly due to simply not having the time, and partly due to the lack of consistent updating that's been going around. Another reason I'm so meticulous about keeping my own audience informed of my schedule and delays (if there are any)Thank you for taking the time to review! Was lovely to hear from you, and I sincerely hope you enjoyed this update as well, and that I hear from you again! Oh, also glad you like Erwin and Keza, another couple that kinda jumped out of nowhere for me. Stay tuned, to see if there's more to come ;) Thanks again!

 **Guest:** Well thank you, I hope you're still with us, and still enjoying the story!


	60. Strings

**Hello, hello, hello!**

 **So here we go, the aftermath of Robyn's control issues! It's a bit of a longer update, mainly to move this more intermediary section through quicker. So less action this time, but kinda vital character sheeeeeit.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

* * *

The ride back was tense. Every jostle, or out of place noise, had me flinching like an idiot. It's like I'm expecting Kenny to just jump out at me. Like those shackles are just waiting to land on my mind again, to bind me in that strange darkness. What else could they make me do? What would the royals make me do to my loved ones? Or was the better question, what couldn't they make me do? It would likely be a shorter list. I fear that binding, and yet have to keep asking for real shackles. But they won't do it. No one wants to put actual shackles on me, and I don't fucking understand why. They see no reason to, as none of them knew the phrasing. I think I do, though. I know Kenny said it, but as soon as I try and remember, it's like smoke drifting between my fingers. Untouchable. In all honesty I dunno why Kenny didn't command me to forget it entirely. Or was that him trying to be, his own version of kind?

I have no idea.

All I know is that, the words have something to do with blood.

My friends all know this now, it's all I can give them.

But still, there's too damned much that I just don't know.

I keep trying to push my mind back, to see what else I can remember, what else I can find. But my mind won't co-operate. I get to the sound of flames, and the smell of smoke and have to stop. I try and push past that basement, past those dead bodies. I need to get beyond that. Beyond being pushed to the side of the street. I need to remember what came beforehand.

Dammit I can't even do that?!

It's useless.

I'm useless.

Nothing but a Sanshi whor-

"Robyn!"

I jolt and look at Mikasa across the wagon. The world stills, and the wheels still rumble along the track. I dunno why, but she's looking at me warily. How long had I zoned out? As soon as I'd managed to calm down from Kenny's attack, I'd asked her to move away from me. I liked sitting with her, but I didn't want to keep depending on her. It wasn't right.

I tilt my head but then feel that warmth against my upper lip.

Oh.

I did it again, didn't I?

Mikasa frowns and leans forward. "Stop pushing yourself so hard. All you're doing, is hurting yourself. You have time to figure this out, it isn't like we expect it to be fixed right away." The frown gives way to a kind smile, but I can only half return it.

No matter how warmly she looks at me, I can't help but think back to her words in that bathroom. She hates this. My dependency, my need for help, my inability to do this shit alone. She probably hates _me,_ by this point.

Not that I can blame her.

There's plenty to hate.

I'm nothing but a Sanshi whore after all.

"Oi, Robyn, time to get up. We're back." I hear Levi and blink – what?

When did I fall asleep?

I swallow hard and sit up. "Y-Yeah of course." I get up, ignoring the hand he held out to help me down. "How long we been back? I didn't mean to fall asleep, sorry." I scrape my hair back into a tie and he lowers the hand with a slight look of hurt. It isn't that I don't want to be near him, I just don't want to risk this useless body lashing out at him again. Then again, if it did, maybe he'd actually finish me off this time.

Levi leads the way back into HQ. "Not long, we got the horses away before waking you. It's fine, you probably need the rest more than anyone else."

"How's Jean doing?" I ask, as I clear my throat.

Jean certainly needed the rest more than I did, the man had been shot.

"Doing fine, a little tender after the ride, but he's gone to get properly checked out. He's healing well, the bullet went right through anyway."

"Mm." I nod and look up at the HQ. Didn't really look any different, and in all honesty I dunno why that feels like a surprise to me. Why would it? Just because I've come back as a broken puppet, doesn't mean anything else in the world has changed. I hug myself tightly. I sincerely hope this building is safe from me. I seem to be breaking a lot of things at the moment, please don't let this place be one of them?

Levi leads me in and takes me straight to Hanji's office. Guess there was no point in heading to our room, he knew I wasn't going to be able to settle. I want to do something about this, I need to be active. I need to beat this back to where it belongs, buried in the past and forgotten.

As acting Commander, Hanji had the proper digs for now. Though I admit, it's very surreal being in here without the Commander behind that desk. Erwin fit into this place like the brickwork itself. Damn, I hope him and Keza are all right. I sit down and take the tea I'm offered by Levi. His eyes are glued to me, but I can't meet his. Right now, I can't stand to even think of what I might have managed to do. That blade had been far too close to striking home. To claiming his heart. The tea steams, gradually cooling between my pale hands. Levi and Hanji speak around me, their voice warbling on till they occasionally rise or fall. It was an intense discussion. Levi was telling her all about the mission, and he left no detail out. Apparently full disclosure was important right now.

Then there's quiet.

The tea's gone cold.

Levi's hand comes into view and takes the untouched cup away. My hands clench, and I glance up, finding them both looking at me expectantly. I swallow. Had they asked me a question? I had no clue.

"Um... Sorry, what?"

They both sigh.

Oh dear, that wasn't the right response.

"Don't shut down, kiddo." Hanji smiles and comes over, she kneels down and touches my cheek. This is too tender. But the bolo-tie suits her. "We'll figure this out."

"And if we can't?" I ask, voice scratchy from lacking use.

They both pause.

They don't want to think about it, and frankly I don't blame them. If the roles were reversed – well no, _when_ they were reversed, I only wanted to think the best of Levi. To assume his innocence. To help him come back to us. It was in my every waking moment. But even with that in mind, I have to remember that this isn't the same. Levi was conditioned, yes, but at least we could figure out why. He only attacked me, he'd only been conditioned to suspect me. Everyone else had been safe. In this case, I seemed to be a wild canon, able to be aimed at anyone at any time. How could we even hope to fight that?

"There are ways to deal with this." Hanji continues, undeterred. "All we need to do is tread lightly." Hanji smiles.

I feel cold.

Hanji was being cautious. I should be grateful for that, I should be calmed by the fact she wasn't being taken away with excitement, and turning me into a lab-rat. However, right now? I feel this pooling sense of dread instead. This kind of caution wasn't borne of compassion, it was of anxiety. She had no idea what to do, she had no theories, no plans. I feel my palms sweat. This was new territory, a new enemy, and it was me.

"Maybe we could start with-"

I interrupt her with a clearing of my throat. "I should stay in a cell f-for now."

"Robyn..." Hanji starts, looking unsure.

"At least, until we know what we're dealing with." I add with a small smile and shrug, gladly taking her hands when she tries to take mine. I squeeze. "For everyone's peace-of-mind, especially my own. I just want you guys safe."

"If that's what you want." Levi nods, arms folded, but expression calm.

In all honesty, I'm surprised. I fully expected him to fight me on it, to object to my attitude. But I see only empathy, and understanding in his eyes. He knows this feeling, this sensation of not being in control of your own body. I'm glad he's allowing me this, but I also worry about what he already knows, that he won't tell me.

"Can I go down there now?" I ask, and Hanji continues to look unconvinced. "I just... I want to lie down for a while. It was a long journey." I swallow hard and feel Hanji squeeze my hands again before letting go.

"Yeah, okay Kiddo, you go rest up. We'll come up with a couple ideas for helping you through this. I'll have a guard stay nearby, so if you need _anything_ just yell, okay? You're not a prisoner." Hanji smiles and I return it as best I can.

Levi offers his hand again, and whilst I hesitate, I do take it. The way he winced outside, it was clear that avoiding contact was only going to hurt him more. At this point, I really shouldn't be making extra issue. I was the problem here, the least I could do was try and diminish the pain. I take his hand and let him lead the way, noting how warm his skin feels to me in that moment.

After a couple corridors in silence, I give his hand a slight squeeze. "How's the cut feeling?"

"It's fine," he holds the arm in question up slightly, turning it over a few times. "Barely more than a flesh wound, I assure you." He gives a slight side-smile to me, but he's only glancing my way. I can only guess what's going on in his head. He would want to comfort me, but having been in the thick of this himself, he couldn't stand to lie to me either. I don't envy him, but I also don't want to try and remove that worry. If I breach the subject, he'll only worry more.

We head down the stairs towards the cells.

I smell the rust and unintentionally hold his hand tighter. "When you were still under their control, did you get much sleep?"

His thumb rubs the back of my hand. "Not much, but at least you know you're not only conditioned to hurt me, to come after me."

"Y-Yeah..."

"I knew somewhere deep inside me, that I didn't really want to hurt you, but at the same time, knew I couldn't avoid it. That was the main reason I could never settle."

He unlocks the cell and goes inside to sort things out. He makes me wait whilst he gives it a clean, sets up the bed properly and even gets me and lantern and extra blankets. Like it was a holiday or something. I make to go inside, but he holds onto my arm at first. I don't fight him, but I don't look up either. My eyes are fixed on that bandage. The one I put there. Yet here he was, ensuring this fucking troublesome brat was comfortable. I swallow hard and hope he leaves before my eyes get any warmer.

He hasn't let go yet. "Look at me, Robyn." He sighs, squeezing gently.

I do as told.

He raises his brows, apparently not having expected such a blank response. It feels like I'm trying to interact with him through water. He's there but I can't quite reach him.

"Is there anything I can do, right now? You know, other than remind you that you're not alone." He smirks and touches my cheek, a frown appearing when he gets a real sense of how much I'm trembling. "Robyn please... Don't slip away from me, now."

"I d-don't want to..." I whisper, biting my lip and feeling his thumb run along my cheekbone. "But I don't want to hurt you, either."

"I don't think you will hurt me, but I know why you don't trust yourself." He leans in and kisses my head. "Have that lie-down. I'll go hash out a few ideas with Glasses. If you need anything at all, just call for the guard." He lingers against my skin, but finally lets me go, and then locks the door without me having to ask.

I sit on the bed and lay down under the blankets once I've got my boots off. He lingers for that long, gives a small wave, then heads off with his sigh hanging in the air. He was frustrated, but I think deep down, I know it isn't at me.

The bars are thick down here, rusted but strong. The walls are sturdy and easily capable of withholding anything my mad mind decided to attempt. This was secure.

This made them safe.

I close my eyes and try to sleep.

* * *

 **LEVI POV**

"No Hanji, leave her alone. At least for a while. Unless she wants it? No visits, no nothing. She needs solitude." I try to explain, but those damn eyes are watching me, and as she shifts those glasses up her nose, I know I'm not getting away with that vagueness.

Hanji clears her throat, folds her arms, and settles in. Dammit, where was the easily distracted Shitty-Glasses when I needed her? "All right, no visiting Robyn. But Captain, care to share the insight you so clearly have into the matter? Come on, let us all be on the same page at least?"

"It isn't that I wanna keep you in the dark, but-"

"But nothing, mister, you spit it out right now or so help me I'll go sit next to her all night." Hanji snaps, and I look at her in surprise. She'd never really spoken to me like that, it seemed the role of Commander was suiting her. The woman lowers her pointing finger thankfully, and clears her throat. "You saw the look in her eyes. Robyn's adrift right now, and we need to help her keep a hold of herself."

"Don't you get it?" I growl, unable to withhold my frustration. The woman's mouth thankfully closes.

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. It was a mess. A damned mess, within a mess, wrapped in a fucking nest of a mess. I kind of wish I didn't understand.

"I just... Look, I know what's going on in her head. Or at least part of it."

"Then help me to, as well." Hanji pleads, and I grumble under my breath. It was true, the Commander needed to know. Not only that, but she adored Robyn, and couldn't stand the ignorance much longer.

I lick my lips. "When they do this to you, when you know that they have control... You feel those strings cut into your wrists, your ankles, your spine. Fuck, it's like it's woven through every muscle. You're not sure you're doing _anything_ by your own will."

"Levi..."

"It isn't your fault that you don't understand Hanji, fuck sake I'm glad you don't." I don't bother to look at the pitying expression, I don't want it, I don't need it. Hell if I deserve it, either. "But I've been there, or at least a version of it. There's still mornings where I wake up, and wonder if the control's come back. If I do something without thinking, was it me or them? But this... For Robyn it seems so far beyond that, like her whole life might have been at the end of a string."

Hanji sits down and smiles softly in understanding, and as she takes her glasses off I relax a bit. Good, I'm talking to my old comrade, not my acting Commander. Good to know.

She tilts her head at me. "All right, Levi, I get it, I need a crash course. You're the closest to Robyn, likely closer than anyone else has ever been, except maybe Keza. I can figure out the nuts and bolts, but you know what's going on under that. I say she's adrift, and you seem against those words. Why? Help me understand."

I pace.

I pace for a while, but she doesn't stop me.

For once, Hanji is taking a back-seat and I'm damned grateful to her.

"As soon as we found out what was going on, that Kenny was controlling her, Robyn fought like hell. In typical Robyn fashion, she was gonna let herself bleed out through her nose at one point, she was fighting so hard. But... As it went on, I saw it in her eyes..."

The fire faded. I knew the shadows were leeching into everything. It was like when she first wakes from a nightmare; eyes full of panic and shadow. It was the most commonplace thing for her, and also my worst fear. Dammit, I still didn't know how to get rid of those, and in the end, I guess this time-bomb was why. There was a reason she never forgot those flames, there was a reason she reacted so damned violently when she finally had the chance to kill her father. To think... If he had seen her coming, if he had managed to say the words when he was in line as a simple convict? I shudder. Vincent could have broken out, taken her to the Capital and the royals would already have had their weapon. Fuck.

"Adrift isn't the right word." I start, mouth feeling pretty damned dry. "When Robyn is against something, she rages out, she fights like hell, normally the problem is holding her crazy-ass back. But this? This isn't something she can rage against, not only is it a non-entity in her own head, but... She's finally run out of breath."

"Run out of breath?" Hanji breathes anxiously.

When I look to her, I am very glad to see the same kind of apprehension that I feel thrumming in my own head. As I speak, the situation is becoming clearer to me. And that's really pretty frightening in itself.

"This is what she was always running from, Hanji. Ever since she ran away from that burnt down house. She didn't know what it was, she thought it was just her past but... She ran so hard, for so fucking long. We've all accomplished so much together and yet- And yet..." I try to swallow past the lump in my throat.

Dammit, me panicking is not what is needed right now.

"Now the past is back stronger than ever." Hanji says, and I nod, my hands curling into fists.

"Exactly. She's still his puppet." I sigh, knowing that was the heart of the matter.

Beyond having been forced to hurt me, Robyn knew this was her father's doing. I saw it break inside her, like a glass put under too much pressure. She knew now, that she'd never really escaped Vincent.

"It's like it no longer matters that she killed him, that she kept that promise, that she learned to fight back. Those strings were around her the whole time, and the only fucking reason she was free for this long, was because the damned royals didn't have the fucking right words."

"Like it was all for nothing." Hanji summarises, her voice thick as she blinks through some tears. I hand her a handkerchief.

"They can just take it all away, now they can just put her in a box and use her up." I swallow hard, but that damned lump isn't going anywhere. "When they used me, it was for one reason, it was finite. We have no idea what they have planned for Robyn. I mean, at least we know they cant use her as some sick Shifter breeding factory, the world gave her that one small bastard of a mercy."

"Levi sit down, please, you look like you're gonna fall over." Hanji leads me to the seat and I don't deny her.

I sit down and put my head in my hands. I can't fight Robyn's mind, it's the one part of her I've never been able to fully grasp. Her heart I understand, at least I like to think I do. But her head, there was a part of me that never wanted to grasp that.

"The one consistent thing about Robyn, is her guilt." I say, the words making my tongue feel heavy. My train-of-thought is heading somewhere I'd sincerely hoped it wouldn't. Damn, I'm glad I'm sitting down.

Hanji sniffs. "What do you mean?"

"She'll look at this as confirmation." I say and as the words leave my mouth, they sink into my bones. Dammit they were so fucking true its like they're stinging my ears.

"Confirmation of what, Levi?" Hanji asks, but I know she knows the answer. She's stalling as much as I am.

I look up from under my hair, but I see that fear. We share it. Humanity's Strongest, and I'm scared of a few words. Fucking pathetic really.

"Confirmation that, we're better off without her." I whisper, voice unable to raise beyond that. I watch Glasses fall prey to those tears. They bubble up and roll down her cheeks, and for a second, I wonder if I'm gonna spill my own.

"B-But we're not!"

"I know that. You know that. But think about it, look at it from Robyn's point-of-view. She'll see it as a certainty. That's why I asked Mikasa to check in on her every half-hour. Though Kirtschtein demanded he be involved too... Idiot shouldn't be walking around so much, but he insisted. They won't say anything to her, they won't ruin the solitude, but they're gonna make damn well sure that the idiot hasn't hurt herself."

Hanji runs her hands through her hair to the point it's almost all out the tie, she loosens her collar and tugs of her jacket. Yeah, it's suffocating all right. As soldiers we had faced all manner of horror in this lifetime. Yet more often than not, the most lethal thing of all, was our own heads.

"But Levi... Why leave her alone at all?"

"Because if we just sit there and watch her, it's no different to her father. No different to controlling her. I want to at least try and let her think her way through it. I'm still stupid enough, to have the smallest shred of hope, that after _everything_ , everything she helped me through, everything she waited for, that she might _just_ want to fight a little longer." I shake my head, unsure where that ray of foolish optimism had come from.

"You have a lot of faith in her, don't you?" Hanji chuckles, sniffing again and I hear her trying to fight back the tears. "Ugh, what a mess. And here was me thinking I'd done my crying for the year at that damned fake funeral."

"I have faith in her stubbornness, of course." I smirk and sit up a bit, looking to the window as the light of day starts to slip out of sight. "I have to hope that she can think back further, maybe find the answer in her own head. Find the key to this conditioning."

"She's obviously blocked a lot out, you really think she can get that far back?" Hanji moves across the room and sets the kettle back on the burner. That was a good idea, if I started sipping on scotch too soon, I'd just slip into the bottle for the night.

I clasp my hands. "I know she can. Or at least I know she can dream further back. Before we went to the Underground, before this control was even known about, she was having issues. She'd passed out on her bed, and she was mumbling in her sleep but... more than usual."

"More than usual?" Hanji asks, the steam slowly beginning to rise from the kettle's spout.

I nod. "Usually it's a couple words like 'no', 'fire', 'John' or 'please', but that night it was a lot clearer. She started saying shit like, 'I don't wanna do that. Don't take me down there again. I don't want medicine.' I can only assume she meant the basement in her house, and that the medicine was to do with the conditioning." I sigh and rub my eyes. "Then again, maybe that's just me stretching too far."

"They used serums on you, didn't they?"

I shudder. "Yeah, to the point that my mind was soup. So maybe it's something similar. But nevertheless, her head reached that far back. I know the memories are there, we just... We need to try and bring them back out. Considering you're the Weirdness Expert around here, any idea how to do that?" I look up at her, unable to hide my pleading. It wasn't often I was this open with Hanji, but right now, pretence seemed so pointlessly stupid. It wouldn't matter how together I seemed, if Robyn ended up ripping her wrists open in the middle of the night.

"I may have some tonics we can try, a kind of truth serum if you wanna put it simply."

"What's in it?" I can't help but be wary as I watch the woman brew my tea.

Hanji chuckles. "Essentially it's just very, very strong alcohol with hallucinogenic herbs. Might let us break down some walls... or it might just send her into a psychotic episode." She offers each option on her hands and weighs them up with a snort. "Knowing Robyn, could be a bit of both."

"Considering the alternative? I'd say it's worth a shot. But I'll still need to talk to her first." I accept the tea and blow on it. "I think getting her calm first would be best."

"You know how to do that?" Hanji asks, sounding like she might be teasing, but then her smile becomes genuine when I give a little nod. "You really do know her." Hanji stirs some milk into her own tea.

I blow again. "I'd be a fairly shit companion if I didn't."

"Companion?" She repeats with a wrinkle on her nose.

I roll my eyes. "Well I don't exactly suit the label boyfriend, and she's not my missus, is she?"

"Might as well be." Hanji snorts into her cup, taking a sip too soon and flinching. "Fck." She whimpers, flapping at her burnt tongue.

"Well whatever the label I am to her, I reckon I know how to make her open up, make her calm for this test..." I keep blowing whilst Hanji dances about a bit.

The last time I had really felt like Robyn was just being open with me, without pretence, without trying to be better for me, or anything like that, was that bath. She had simply sat there and existed in front of me, been honest about dependency and laughing about connection. That was my best bet, and let's face it, I wouldn't mind an excuse to give her a bath again. Though maybe this time I won't join her.

* * *

I walk along the corridor, intending on heading for my office to kill some time. The I slow down. There was someone else that I could try and get some insight out of.

They were hardly on good terms at the moment, but still, Jeager was the one that had helped her during those six months. Maybe he would have a better idea on how to help her? Or another angle to consider. It'd be pretty foolish to not at least investigate. I look along the corridor and feel my nails bite into my palms. Yeah, yeah, I hate it, I really do. But fuck my pride. Right now, I just need to know the shadows aren't gonna steal her away when I'm not watching her.

I head to his quarters, only to find the shitty-brat sat at his desk over some blank parchment. He'd left the door ajar, but I guess he did that to let people know he was available. Glasses did that too. I watch him, that quill hovering over the blank page before receding again to linger at the ink pot. This repeats a couple times. Whatever he was doing, he wasn't sure how to do it. Guessing from the clenched hand on the other side of the paper, and the slightly pink look to the ends of his ears, I'm gonna go ahead and make the bold assumption, he's trying to write to Robyn.

It's endearing, but it's still fucking cowardly.

I knock lightly. You could have accused me of throwing a fucking torch in his lap, the way he jumps up and spins round. His chair clatters off the ground, the quill finally hits the parchment, scrawling ink all over it. He stares at me and I just raise a brow at him. It takes a couple seconds, but he blinks, flounders over to the door to open it properly, gets the chair off the floor and throws a sloppy salute into place. The kid was a mess. Can't deny that I'm sort of glad about that.

"Am I interrupting?" I nod to the desk, and he glances that way before groaning at the mess.

"Not at all, sir, I was just... Well I was-"

"Writing a letter, I'd assume." I shrug, walking in and closing the door. I lean against it and watch him attempt, and fail, to clean up. "I'd take a guess at who it was for, but I can't really be bothered with you attempting to lie your way out of it."

Has the bastard actually gotten taller, yet again? Or does he just look taller because we're in this box of a room? For the sake of my patience, I'll assume its the room. But at this rate, he was gonna catch up to Erwin. Bastard kids grew like weeds.

Jeager smooths himself down and shifts his weight. Is this actually is the same guy? The same brat, that marched me outside and lectured me on my attachment to Robyn. The brat, who swore he'd kill me if I ever hurt her again. Right now? Nah, he isn't him. Right now he's an ashamed little mutt, with its tail between it's legs.

Problem is, I kind of need him to be the brat again.

Eren clears his throat. "So sir... What um... What did you come to speak to me about?"

"I came to talk to you about, Robyn." I explain, and watch those eyes pop wider. Yup, that put the fear into him. He glances at the desk in an overtly tell-tale manner. I seriously hope he's never attempted poker. "Sit down, stop panicking, and fucking listen."

"Y-Yes, sir." He nods, and clumsily does as told. The chair creaks as he shifts about. He clasps his hands and the knuckles pale a little.

"You need the toilet or something? Quit fidgeting."

He jolts. "Sorry, sir! I just... Please know that I totally regret what I did in the city, and I never intended to-"

" _This_ has nothing to do with _that_ freakish display of pent-up shit." I snap, arms folded over my chest and hands balling into fists. He knew how to piss me off, that was for sure. "Look, you saw what happened to her on the road back to HQ. You saw how Kenny controlled her?"

"Yes, sir."

"Robyn's sinking into some pretty deep shit because of that, and I'm fairly sure we both know you're better at helping her in this kinda thing. Or at least you have more experience." I add bitterly.

There's a long pause.

I raise a brow at him.

He frowns. "Um..." He looks to the floor and shakes his head. "I wouldn't say that, sir."

"This isn't the time to be fucking modest." I roll my eyes.

"I'm not."

I narrow my eyes in question.

He clears his throat. "The only reason she ever relied on me in the first place, was because you weren't there. Because she missed you. Don't you get that?"

I stare at him coldly. I'd let the sub-par tone go for now. Especially as I try to think it through, without letting on that I was in the dark.

Eren's eyes narrow. "Just stop trying to toe the line between Captain and not Captain."

"Excuse me?" I challenge, and he leans on his knees. "Speak plainly, brat, if you're gonna lose all tone of decency anyway."

"You're the one that pulls her through. You're the one that made her feel like she really could be more than a broken kid from the streets." He shakes his head and looks at me in disbelief. "Has she seriously never said this to you?"

I can't be sure. Maybe not in those words but I guess in a way she had. I shrug and click my tongue. "Fine, she relies on me, but that doesn't escape the fact, I wanted your opinion on the situation."

"As in, you wanna know if I know a quick fix?" He raises a brow and I grind my teeth a bit.

"Don't get ahead of yourself, brat. I ain't asking for a quick-fix, don't pretend that I'm suddenly impatient of her. You're the one that warned me about her scratching into herself."

He swallows hard. "Has she started doing that again?"

She never really stopped.

I stand up straight. "She's likely on the path to doing worse."

"Shit..." He slumps back in his chair and bites his lip. His eyes go distant, but I just wait. It was good to see the kid really thinking about it. "I guess my main bit of advice, would be ignore her bullshit."

"Excuse me?" I don't think I managed to withhold that look of anger, the kid flinches back.

"I only meant, when she tries to push you away, hold on tighter. It's all I did for six months; ignored her protests and pestered her with the fact she wasn't alone. It drove her nuts, but at least when it did, she wasn't thinking about how much she loathed herself."

Oh.

Shit, that was pretty good actually.

I can't deny that I'm more in the habit of backing off, that sticking it out.

I close my mouth, swallowing my brash retorts. I then smooth my hair back and nod to the desk, making a decision as those overtly honest eyes stare at me. "You should write the letter then. The more she's reminded of the present, the people around her, the things she wanted to fight for... the better."

"Yeah... I guess so. Thank you for um... for thinking of me."

"Don't flatter yourself." I click my tongue again and get the damned door open. I glance over my shoulder as I hear him tug his chair to the desk again. "You understand her feelings now, right?"

He sighs and nods. "Yeah I do, I think I always did, sir. Guess the situation got away from me and... Well to put it plainly, I was an idiot. I'd apologise to you again, but I know you just want me to make it up over time. So I won't bother you with that empty word, sir."

I turn properly with a raised brow, the kid looking unsure if he had made the right choice. I blink and nod to him, watching that annoying blush reappear.

"Glad to know you're paying attention, Jeager. Hand the letter to a cadet and have it delivered to the guard outside the cells. I'll take it from there. And if she asks to see you, I'll send someone." I then take my leave, before he can ruin the almost respectful moment with pointless grovelling.

I head along to my office, not really seeing anything until I sit down and lean back in my chair. Then all I can look at is the way to my bedroom. To our bedroom.

Ignore her bullshit.

Dammit, she's gonna kick my ass.

* * *

It's been a few hours when I have Kirtschtein knocking at my door and standing in front of me. He looks pale, and I've already told him to get to the infirmary before he has to be dragged there, but in all honesty, I dunno if he's pale because of his injuries.

"Sir, you need to go speak with Robyn again. She's not known we're there, but the past hour or so, she's been mumbling. Can't really make it out other than 'fucking idiot' or 'pointless' so neither sound very... hopeful." He says slowly, clearly unsure of how to word this.

I put my quill down and sit back in my chair, so much for quiet contemplation or rest. "Yeah, no point in leaving her to just stew, if that's all she's gonna do. Thanks, I'll go see her right away."

He turns and leaves, hopefully heading to the infirmary like he was told.

I head down to the cells, and ask the guard to get Commander Zoe. It was time to put our plan into action, as long as Robyn hadn't fully lost herself already. I hope I hadn't just been an idiot to let her rest on her own. I'd genuinely thought it would be the best thing initially. But with each step I descend, I can hear that muttering and I feel myself grow less sure.

"Useless... fucking..." only the occasional word comes through clearly, and I linger just out of sight as she paces around, her boots scuffing off the ground. "Stupid little shit... puppet... can't even do that... fuck..."

When I hear her kick at the bars, I roll my eyes and step into view. Her eyes glance my way, but she doesn't stop the pacing. I drag a chair over and sit down, but she still doesn't stop the pacing. I watch her and just tilt my head when she looks at me. Eventually she gets pissed off with my staring and she stops, facing away from me.

"I'm not leaving this cell, Levi."

"Didn't suggest that you should." I say perfectly calmly, pretending to pick at my nails when she turns a bit, eyes accusing. I don't need to look at her to know that, I can fucking feel it dig into my skull.

I know her head's going to have taken her to some dark places. She's likely thinking everything's her fault, and that we're all just being held back by her. At least, that was normally the narrative her bat-shit self-loathing went with.

Fuck, is Robyn Sanshi becoming predictable to me?

I don't think that's good.

She huffs. "Why're you here then? Keeping an eye on the nutter?"

"I don't believe I used that word, today." I shrug, glancing at her and blinking slowly. "You done with the self-indulgent wallowing yet, brat?"

"I'm not wallowing." She snaps, pacing again, but just back and forth now instead of round and round. It was mildly less annoying.

"Sure sounds like you are. How long did you manage to actually sleep? Or didn't you bother in the end?" I lean forward on my knees and she slows her pacing, before sighing in what sounds too much like defeat.

She sits on the bed. "I kept closing my eyes and feeling that knife in my hand again." She breathes, sucking a breath back in through her teeth.

"Robyn, you know I don't blame you, right?" I ask, and am glad to see a nod. Albeit a damned unenthusiastic one. "Look, I just need to-"

"You only don't blame me, because you don't know what was going on in my head when it happened." She hisses, the tears spilling over as she starts to pant a little. She puts her head in her hands and tugs on her hair.

I swallow and clasp my hands tight, trying to steady myself. "You saw nothing but my death, right? You knew you had to do it, in order to make things right. I get it. It was what I felt when-"

"No." She snaps, it melting into laughter and then sobbing. "N-No that wasn't what I felt at all."

I wait, watching her form the words and then wrinkle her nose as she hates the taste. But I just wait. She obviously wanted to tell me. Or part of her did anyway.

"L-Levi, you had an objective, you had a _reason_ to kill me, a real goal you needed to accomplish. I didn't have that. All I could think of, was how fucking _good_ it was gonna feel to slice you open."

I keep my poker-face on task.

"It was like, I needed to kill you, like I needed to breathe. Every time you held me back, it felt like another gulp of air had been robbed from me. I wanted it so fucking badly. It was going to feel so _good_ to kill you..." her voice gets distant as she raises her head and looks at me, her eyes vacant as she breathes heavily. "I tingled all over at the idea of that warm blood hitting my face, your dying breaths begging my name, pleading with me to stop and give some mercy. But I wouldn't, I'd just slice... and slice... a-and slice." Her brows lift, her hand having done the motion each time and then she looks at those same hands and I know she sees them filthy. She shudders, but not entirely in disgust, that dusting of a blush indicating the echo of enjoyment.

Dammit, if my spine didn't feel quite so frozen in this moment, I'd open the door and wrench her into my arms. I'd hold her tight, until this episode had passed. It would pass, right? They always did. No matter how frantic she woke from a nightmare, no matter how far she scrambled away and pleaded with someone to stop; sometimes her father, sometimes those men, sometimes Valarie. No matter what she'd imagined, she would calm down and come back to me.

My tongue feels heavy again. "Robyn, you can beat this, I know you can." I say, feeling so fucking stupid. It makes me cringe when she looks at me with those incredulous eyes. The vacancy is gone, and impatience has taken its place.

"Don't patronise me, Levi. After everything we've been through, don't do that."

"And don't you dare give up." I snarl back, my own patience waning.

"And just how do you expect me to beat this? To beat a saying ingrained into me by the most loathsome puppet-master possible. A saying that our enemy knows, that can be applied at any time and apparently make me do anything."

I sit up and grimace at her. "So you're already resigning to defeat?"

She stands up, stalks over to the bars and slams her hands against them. She bares her teeth. "There is no way round this! You want me trained, to ignore pleasure? To ignore anything that feels good, for the fear that it could be an order we hadn't realised had been given? Who knows how intricate they can make the commands. I'd never be able to be alone, Levi!"

"So, you _are_ giving up?" I challenge, slowly standing and approaching the bars. I go right up to her, feeling our breath combined as she grits her teeth and glares harder with that molten gaze. Dammit, don't be beautiful in this moment, you damned brat.

"There's a thin line between perseverance, and being plain blockheaded." Her voice softens, and as she draws in that shaken breath those eyes shine.

That ice along my spine pools in my gut.

Don't say it.

Don't you dare, fucking say it.

"Vincent's won."

"No." I snap, grabbing her hands against the bars and holding so tight I'm sure I'm hurting her. But I can't let go, I feel like she's just gonna slip away if I do. "No, he hasn't. You killed him, you kept your promise, you've been through too much to just let this win."

She smiles.

In this moment, I hate that smile more than anything else.

Her head rests against the bars. "I ran s-so hard, learned all I could, did everything I could think of... A-And it turns out I'm still no better, than that stupid little girl standing in front of a smoking husk. I'm nothing more than a child blubbering, begging her mother to wake up."

"No, you only become that, if you stop fighting." I growl, holding tighter, seeing her wince slightly but keeping my grip as it is. "You can still burn, it's still there, I know it is."

"If you see any fire in me, then be assured, all it is, is this sickening fear that one day those royal bastards could use me to hurt you. Any of you." She adds, sniffing and shaking her head, little bits of rust coming off against her skin. "I'm so sorry, Levi. If only we'd let them kill me when they had the chance, right?"

I swallow hard, but then frown.

Wait.

What?

"They... wanted you dead." I blink, the information trickling through my head like god damned sewage. Robyn tilts her head. "Robyn, why the hell would they want you dead, if they still had even the smallest hope of getting this phrasing? Of being able to use you as a weapon?"

She blinks. "Maybe, they thought I wasn't worth the risk, or that you were a more direct way to get rid of the Scouts?"

"Or..." I narrow my eyes. "Or they weren't sure it would even work. That there's a way round it."

"You're clutching at straws." She sighs, tugging her hands free and going to the other wall.

I kick the bars hard, and she flinches. "At least I'm clutching at something. You're not giving up, I'm not gonna let you."

Her shoulders tense.

That had come out wrong.

She looks over her shoulder at me. "Not going to let me? Oh, I'm so sorry _sir,_ when was it that you decided on my life choices? Please let me know, _sir._ I would hate to think I forgot the day I handed over my free-will to you as well, _sir_!" She hisses, and whilst she wants to sound threatening, I can see those fresh tears in the lantern light. She's trembling too.

Ignore her bullshit.

I back away from the bars. "You know that's not what I meant... But yeah, sure, I'm someone you can fight back against. So if it means you've still got it in you? Do it all you like. My point still stands."

"How can you be so calm?" She hisses, de ja vu ringing in my ears. "Levi, I'm not in control of my own body. I can't risk… I can't—"

"Do you remember all the things you said to me? When this was me behind bars, or in a mess in my room, after that fucking awful dream? When I dreamt that I'd snapped your neck? Do you remember any of it?" I demand, watching her mouth slowly close. "This isn't you, this is them. Stop letting them win." I plead, quoting her and watching how her jaw clenches.

She looks at me coldly. "If fighting back means possibly hurting you? Then I'll fucking stay their puppet, till someone is willing to give me a real solution." By the end, she's growling the words.

I feel my whole body shiver with rage, I know now exactly how she felt.

The very idea of her giving in, makes me sick.

"You're no one's puppet god dammit! You're Robyn Sanshi, you've got too much fight in you to give up now."

She shakes her head and sighs, leaning against the wall before her knees buckle. She slips down to the floor and puts her head in her hands. But she did at least say 'until someone is willing to give me a real solution'. Maybe she'd be willing to try our test then? Ignore her bullshit. Right, I just need to drag her all the way.

I hear the door to the cells opening, and I can only imagine it's Hanji with some cadets, and a bath with hot water soon following.

I clear my throat and kneel down, glad to see her at least look my way.

"Robyn... C'mon you can't seriously still be so delusional to not know how damned important you are. I can't let you go."

She hugs her knees to her chest and groans. "You're a fucking maniac."

I smirk. "Yeah, but I'm _your_ maniac."

The words hang in the air, and I see her lips tremble.

"Y-Yeah." She nods, and sniffs. She looks so small, so fragile. It doesn't suit her.

"We have time, Robyn. This doesn't need to be fixed instantly."

She looks up, resting her chin on her arm. "Why is it, the more I hear that, the quicker I feel we need to find the solution?"

"Because you're a cynic worse than me, sometimes?" I offer, and for just a moment, I swear I see the hint of a smile. She then hears the footsteps and narrows her eyes at me. I hold my hands up in surrender. "We may have that solution you were talking about. It's only an idea, a theory between me and Hanji but... It's something, right?"

"So you were just wanting to see where my head was at?" She asks in an accusig manner, I quirk a brow at her.

"Believe me brat, I already knew it was up your own ass."

She snorts and shakes her head, sighing heavily. Damn, she really does sound exhausted. "You really think it could work?" She asks, knuckles paling as she hugs herself tighter. She's trying so hard not to hope.

I shrug. "I think it'll help, and that's a start, right?"

The noises get closer and I stand away from the bars to greet Glasses with an encouraging look. I don't blame the scientist for being nervous. The cadets follow close behind and as she comes into view of the cell, Hanji gives Robyn a wave.

"How you doin' Kiddo?"

"Dandy, thanks. What's all this?" Robyn nods to the struggling brats and looks between me and Glasses expectantly.

Hanji steps forward and reveals the bottle of... whatever the hell it is.

"We've come up with a plan. You're going to drink this, soak in the tub, and we're going to get some answers. Easy as that!" She coos through the bars, but Robyn doesn't look like she understands, or if she does, she doesn't want to.

"You want me to drink what now? Where?" Robyn blinks and looks at the tub currently being held between two cadets who wobble occasionally. I gesture to Glasses, to explain it better.

Hanji grins. "This is a strong serum to help your mind enter a state of blissful sedation!"

Robyn quirks a brow. "Get me fucking smashed, basically?"

"In a sense, but beyond that, we'll be purposefully encouraging your subconscious." Glasses continues, making Robyn lean against the wall more, like she could push it back.

Those gold eyes narrow at me again. "My subconscious? So, I've been talking in my sleep again, haven't I?"

"Yes, but for once it was actually helpful." I nod and she grumbles under her breath. "Look, Robyn, this could really work. Obviously the memories are still there, but consciously you can't access them. This'll help. The bath is to keep you calm, to make you feel safe. Think about it, when was the last time you felt truly content."

She looks to the tub again and nods, looking to the side. "The night I got my revenge, and you cleaned me up."

"Exactly. Take it in there, and then start bringing down the water." I order, and the two cadets head inside once I've opened the door. Robyn stood up, and shrunk into the back corner. It was as if she feared the open door itself.

"What if I just fall asleep thanks to this wonder booze, and then go ahead and drown in the tub?" She tilts her head. "Accomplishes _my_ solution, but I doubt you'd be happy about that, Captain."

"Stop being a snarky ass, and listen. I'll be with you the whole time, I'm going to try and edge you into the memories. Hanji'll be close by, but not in eye-line."

Robyn stares at me, slowly shaking her head, gradually getting faster. "Not a chance."

"Glasses can just check in occasionally instead, if you prefer? She doesn't have to be present the whole time." I offer, confused by her not wanting Hanji anywhere near her. It wasn't like the scientist was known for her perversions towards humans. Titans, I can't comment, but as far as I was aware, Hanji was about as sexually perverted as wet firewood.

Robyn rolls her eyes. "No, I mean _you're_ not going to be in here. What if this psycho booze makes me also go proper psycho? What if it triggers some leftover order from Kenny?"

"Robyn.." I mutter, a headache appearing behind my eyes. Am I made of glass? "Glasses will be right there, you can be sedated and held back if need be. But considering you'll be drunk, naked and slippery form the bath, pretty sure I can take you." I point out, and as hard as she tries, I know the image is in her head and she can't help the smile that appeared.

She clears her throat. "If I hurt you, I'm gonna be so pissed off at you."

"When aren't you? Now then, Glasses, how long is this stuff gonna take to take effect?" I ask, and Hanji turns the bottle over in her hand.

"Probably about ten minutes? We'd be best to wait until the bath is full, Robyn is relaxing in it, and everything is ready. Set the tone properly and then nudge her into it. This could really work, Robyn. I wouldn't be suggesting it otherwise." Hanji smiles softly, and whilst Robyn does her best, she can't deny the sincerity in those big mad eyes.

"All right... Hanji you stay right beside the cell, okay? I don't care about you seeing me, you've already seen every inch of my fucking body anyway." She then looks scathingly at the now blushing cadets. "For medical purposes you fucking cretins."

"Just go get the water, brats." I shoo them away and head inside the cell to put my hands on her shoulders. She'd leaned away, but I'm having none of it. "This will work, Robyn. I have a gut feeling."

"Yeah? Because I feel like I'm gonna puke." Robyn sighs, putting her head against mine at last, and biting her lip. "Please, don't let me hurt you."

"I won't. I promise." I squeeze her shoulders and see the ghost of a smile.

That was it. That was all we had to do, bit by bit, bring her back towards hope, back towards seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We could coax the flames back into life, breathe gently on the embers until they caught hold of something and burst.

First step; get her high as a kite.

* * *

 **Thank you so much for reading, please fav, follow and review, I love to hear from you guys. See you in 3-4 weeks!**

 **SHOUTOUTS**

 **Grimm:** Hello again! Eren was indeed a bit of a trainwreck, yeah... but then again he was meant to be, so i'm glad that portrayal worked, haha! I love, love, love how much insight you put into Robyn's situation though, really. Thank you so much! The way you've thought about it, goodness I love it. So excited to see your reactions as things continue to unfold. I hope you enjoyed the slight fluff that I provided, haha, sorry if it wasn't enough! But I'm also really glad you _don't_ want her to give up. I don't either, but I shall give away no spoilers! Thanks so much for reviewing, I'm glad you're still here and still enjoying! Hope you liked this update too, speak soon!

 **MoonLover765:** I'm so glad you enjoyed the thought process, I really enjoy writing those parts, when Robyn is proper losing herself to this kinda stuff. Thanks for highlighting that! Thank you so much for reviewing, and I hope you enjoyed the update!

 **WhatName:** You're still here! No worries on my replying, I always reply to the awesome people that take the time to review. It's a big deal for me! Aw wow, thanks so much for the praise, I always worry about being consistent, so really thank you so much! Kenny is a character that I love to hate, but I also feel I can have a certain amount of freedom with as I don't feel we ever really get to _know_ him. Does that make sense? I hope so, haha. Thank you for taking the time to review again, I hope you enjoyed the update! Speak soon ^-^


	61. Beastly Bastards

**Hello all :) Just to let everyone know, in case you're wondering, we are basically in the last 2 arcs of this story before the conclusion. So yes, it will be ending soon, to anyone losing stamina, haha.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

 **Note: Manga details kind of... or at least Season 2 for sure... I lose track, but spoilers potentially ahead.**

* * *

 **LEVI POV STILL**

It was around about the time Robyn started giggling and sloshing the water around her tits, that it became clear the weird drink had finally worked. In fact, you could say it had worked like a dream. The brat, was fucking smashed.

Hanji shrugged at me, and took down a note, but I saw how her shoulders continued to judder with laughter. It was fairly hilarious, and I don't think I'd ever seen Robyn 'let go' this much before. But there was still a job to be done, so I had to focus. I go over to the tub once she's started chuckling away to herself. I sit beside our drunkard, glad to find the water still nice and hot for her. I can't help but smile softly when she beams at me. Dammit, who couldn't return a smile to that?

"C'mere and join me, Levi!" She coos, leaning over and grabbing the back of my neck, hauling me closer.

She kisses me desperately, and whilst my initial react is to pull away, I go with it. She pulls me closer. I'm pressed against the side of the bath, holding myself back only to avoid being dunked. Damn, even when inebriated she knew what she was doing with that tongue. Heat runs through me, and yeah, I really do want to climb into that tub. As we come up for air, I see the way her golden eyes shine, and I have to try very hard to concentrate. No, I don't want to clamber in there, kiss her all over again and fuck her. No. Not one bit.

I clear my throat and sit back a bit. "Not right now, okay?"

"Okay." She pouts, it soon melting into a smile when I've reached out to touch her slightly flushed cheek.

"You just soak in there, really enjoy the warmth. You deserve it." I murmur, glad to see the smile staying in place. I knew it wouldn't be long until we had to enter the darker areas of her mind, so for now I'd be selfish and enjoy the light. I pick up the sponge and lather in some finely scented soap. She sighs contentedly, and does as told for once. Her body lounges back, scars bold against her skin in the heated water. I carefully raise her arm, and start to wash it diligently.

Her eyes follow my progress, and she giggles again. "Always so careful about being clean."

"Mm." I nod, wondering when I should start to nudge her towards the past. I hold onto her hand, and let the sponge run over the pale skin, watching how her fingers wriggle oh-so-slightly.

"You try too hard, Levi... It's never gonna come off." She smiles as she sighs these words, but they still make me uneasy. It seemed I might not have to nudge much at all. I keep hold of her hand, and look to her properly. Her eyes had tightened; in a way that I knew meant the shadows were there. They hadn't claimed her yet, but they'd be near her, looming over her.

That was fine though, we wanted them.

We needed to study them.

Dammit, I hate this. I know exactly what she's referring to, I know exactly what non-existent filth she's seeing. But I have to play dumb. Her mind needs to go in that direction. I lick my lips and clear my suddenly dry throat. Heh, typical that I'm choking now.

Sometimes I could be a real damn coward.

"What's never going to come off, Robyn?"

She frowns at me, those eyes disbelieving. "The blood, Levi. C'mon, don't tell me you can't see it. You've got it all over you now. S-Sorry about that." She mumbles, and I reach for the other arm to wash. Her body rolls towards me slightly, with her eyes intent. "Why you still, trying?"

"Because it's you." I breathe, not daring to look up right now. I just need to play along, her head was already on the right track. That helped. But I can't look at the pain in her eyes, I know it's there, but I can't stand to see it. If I do? I'll want to wash that away too.

Quiet takes the room.

The water sloshes gently as she moves closer. Her head rests on the side of the tub, allowing me to run the sponge along her spine. I glance to Hanji, and she's just watching for the time being. The scientist looks worried, and I have to guess that I have a similar look on my face.

Robyn tilts her head, lips just shy of my neck as I lean over her. Goosebumps rise on my skin. Her lips brush gently.

"Levi, I'm always gonna need you... But you're gonna figure it out sooner or later."

I keep the sponge moving. "Mm?"

I hear her sniff. "That you're gonna be ruined by me."

It didn't take long, but then again, I didn't expect it to.

No matter how strong she tried to be, the self-loathing was always there.

"Robyn, don't say such things, how would you ruin me?" I ask as I sit back and squeeze the sponge out over her back. The trickling matches the tears now rolling down from her wide eyes. Dammit, the shadows were doing the job, all right. I bite on my tongue.

She scrapes her hair back. "I just fuck it all up, y'know? Everything I touch. A-Always been the same, th-the same useless kid. Ash. Ash. Ash." She points around the room, as if choosing victims. She grimaces and lies back in the water, submerging to her chin. "You should run whilst you can. You're a fast runner thankfully... You could still get away, with only a couple singes."

She giggles eerily.

I hate to think how long these kinds of ideas have been in her head, how long she has thought this way about herself. I glance at Hanji, and wish I hadn't. The acting-Commander's face says it all. This was going to get ugly, very quickly.

"Why do you say that, Robyn?" I swallow my want to stop this. We have to keep going. "Why ash?"

She blinks, half smiles and sinks into the water a little more, really seeming to consider my words. Her eyes, bright and shining, with pupils blown so wide I can only see a sliver of that molten gold, stare ahead. Vacant. Searching. I'm about to press her, when Hanji holds up a finger to her lips, and shakes her head.

I nod.

Glasses was right, the key here, was patience.

"Ash." She breathes, the water rippling away from her lips as they hover just above the surface. "Ash, is when wood burns, and w-wood burns because someone lit it up..." she tilts her head and half smiles again before biting her lip. Tears well up. "D-D..." She shakes her head and squirms, panting a little.

I put a hand on her arm. Her eyes snap to me, big and afraid.

"Who lit it up, Robyn? I'm right here, you're fine. Just, don't fight it, just... Keep going. We all want to know the answer, right?" I encourage, using my other hand to stroke her cheek.

She sniffs and leans into my touch, nodding. "Yeah... We wanna know all we can, right? Open... O-Open all the doors." She swallows.

"That's right, you want to open them all, air everything out." I murmur, stroking her hair as she lets her hands float on the surface of the water, fingers wiggling occasionally again.

"Doors." She sniffs and frowns. "Doors opening... Falling." She frowns and closes her eyes. My heart grows heavy, and I hear Hanji lean forward on her creaking chair. "I don't like it when it's d-dark. D-Daddy always made it so dark, Levi. I don't like it." She whimpers and curls in on herself. "I don't like the dark, its where all those weird bottles were. Ugh, n-nothing but that tiny window!" She yells, the words echoing a bit.

"What was in the bottles, Robyn?"

"I... The bottles? They were g-glass and funny colours. Smelled like burning, like nasty burnt things. Nngh... But then he'd stick them in me, those needles. In and out, in and out. I don't like it!" She cries again, frantically swiping her hands down her arms, like trying to brush off a thousand needles.

This drug was taking her to horrible places.

But at least they were relevant.

It feels like we've stepped into that dream I overheard.

"When he..." I clear my throat, a lump having formed as she pants and sniffles. Fucking hell, I hope she doesn't remember this once she comes back round. "When he used the needles, what did your father say, Robyn?"

Her breathing quickens again. So shallow. Too shallow. I reach to put a hand on her shoulder, to try and steady her, but she flinches away and shakes her head desperately. I hesitate, but for a moment her eyes are clear. She knows what she's doing? I nod and sink back, watching as she closes her eyes and breathes through her nose.

"N-Needles. In and out... I-In and out. He'd s-say... Say we had to work hard. We had to... We t-to please them. We had to make them all happy, or everything would go a-away. It would all be for nothing. W-We had to please them."

"How were you going to please them, Robyn?" I press, looking at Hanji as she frantically writes down her notes.

Robyn grows still and stares into the water. Her breathing is so quickly shallow, I doubt she's getting any air at all, but otherwise she's totally still. It's as if, touching her, would smash her to a million pieces. The water ripples away from her, the nearby lantern crackles, my own heart is competing with thunder.

"Daddy." She mumbles, brows raising in the middle as she stares into the rippled surface.

"Robyn?" I speak gently, when silence fell over the room again.

She blinks, and she stares at me. I wish I could, but I can't look away. It was the expression every cadet wore when they were about to be consumed by a Titan. I'd seen it so many fucking times. Only right now? She was being consumed by her past. Fuck, I hope I'm up to the task of pulling her back out, if need be. Where was Keza when you need her?

"Daddy's work is important." She says, seeming to look right through me. "The... Th-The nice doctor said it was important." She whispered, tears rolling freely now. I lean in a little, glad to hear her breathing even out, though only slightly.

"Who was the nice Doctor? Did he have a name?"

Perhaps we could have a new lead to follow.

Perhaps this doctor would know the loophole, the way round her conditioning.

Robyn tilted her head and shivered despite the warmth. "Doctor... Something Amer."

"Doctor Amer?" I repeat, but her brow furrows further.

"N-No... No that's w-wrong. Doctor... He had funny r-round glasses. Doctor Gursha Ager?" She frowns more and shakes her head, panting a little more as she grows frustrated with herself. Her hand grabs onto her hair and starts to tug, thumping back against her head with each pull.

Hanji's chair creaks. "Dr. Grisha Jeager?" She calls softly through the bars, and Robyn jolts. Those golden pools of confusion, stare through me.

"That was him! Yes! He... He helped Daddy but then... Th-They fought?" Her eyes grow sad and she shakes her head.

A blush rises in her cheeks.

Her lips tremble.

"N-Never going to work. Too fucking useless." She spits between her teeth. Her mind was swerving in another direction. "Sick little head. Thick, pointless, mindless, head!" She yells, tugging her hair harder, and slipping under the water.

"Shit!" I lurch forward and grab hold, getting her above the water almost instantly.

Her hands clinging to my shirt as she wriggles, and writhes.

"How can I... H-how can I f-fix it? P-Please, I'll d-do... I'll do any... A-Anything!" She screams, and I look to Hanji for help. I don't know what the hell we're meant to do, Robyn's mind was spiralling. Her back arches and a strangled cry escape her.

That's it, I can't push any further.

"Robyn, wake up!" I demand, trying to shake her out of it. But that's just it, she isn't even asleep, she's awake, but her mind's soup.

She just writhes, and seems to choke on the air.

Not again.

"STOP IT!" She screams, arms dislodging my hold and causing her to fall back into the water. But she's above the level at least. Her hands tangle in her hair and her mouth stretches in a silent scream. It seems to go on forever, before she flinches gives a small cry. Like the last breath leaving someone when they're stabbed in the chest.

What the hell was she remembering?

She slowly stops moving, and then she slumps back against the tub.

Her lips move, but the words are so quiet. I lean in. Her eyes blink open slow and she looks at me, but I don't think she sees a damned thing. It's like she's looking through me, not at me. I pause for a moment, but then reach out and cup her cheek.

"Robyn?"

She smiles bitterly. _"_ _Blood of the father, blood of the mother, red burning blood. Blood of the father, blood of the mother, red burning blood. Blood of the father, blood of the mother, red burning blood._ _"_

I blink.

She chuckles, eyes rolling back and breathing quickening as she just keeps saying it.

 _"_ _Blood of the father, blood of the mother, red burning blood. Blood of the father, blood of the mother, red burning blood. Blood of the father, blood of the mother, red burning blood._ _"_

Her body goes entirely slack, and I grab her before she slips under the surface. I stare at her as she lies there, rag-dolled and still muttering those sick words. I carefully cradle her, getting her out the water and onto the many towels we'd brought down. The words get quicker, they jumble into each other. Soon enough, there's no space for breathing. The words thinning out like overstretched linen.

Hanji appears next to me and puts a needle into Robyn's neck.

Her lips slow.

Her breathing evens out.

Her body slackens against the floor.

It was like she was just sleeping.

I carefully wrap Robyn in a few towels, glad to feel her curling into my hold like normal. The mumbling had stopped, and she breathed nice and deep. It rattles occasionally, but otherwise, she's calmed down.

I swallow hard and look to Hanji. "Please, tell me you wrote that down."

* * *

 **ROBYN POV**

When I wake, the cell's lit by a nearby lantern and I'm wrapped up in a few blankets. I guess I'd passed out? I don't remember much after getting into the tub. I shift my weight, finding myself totally bundled up. Eventually, I wriggle free, and find myself in soft pyjamas. How long had I been out? I look up, to find my Captain dozing in a chair by the bed. That didn't seem very safe, or careful about me potentially hurting him. Then again, had I been really docile during the test? I stay still for a few moments, watching his chest rise and fall and his head lolls ever-so-slightly. He murmurs something and frowns, before his hands clench and relax. He was dreaming.

We seem to be alone down here, and of course I can't tell what time of day it is. No windows. Not even a little one. I frown and feel a strange twinge in the side of my head, like someone had tapped there. I look at my hand and see it shake slightly. I can only hope it's a sign that the weird concoction of Hanji's had worked, and some repressed memories had been accessed. Would it actually help though?

"Mmn... hey..." Levi coughs and clears his throat. I give a soft smile. He shifts in the seat, and smooths his hair back as he comes to. "Must've dozed off, sorry."

I shake my head. "Don't apologise, you're allowed to sleep. Is it the middle of the night? You should go back to the room, get some real rest." I pat his knee, and he shakes his head stubbornly. What a brat.

He shuffles the seat forward and taking my hands in his.

I'm immediately suspicious.

What had I done wrong?

"No, I'll just stay here, it's probably morning now anyway. We can get you some breakfast, and then you can head out of here with me." He says, refusing to let go of my hands when I try to tug them back. The hell was he saying? Leave the cell?

"I'm not going anywhere, Levi. We can't know what could hap-"

"You gave us the phrase, Robyn. Even if you did lash out, we can stop you." He interrupts with slightly clenched teeth. I blink and stare at him, not sure whether to believe that or not. The phrase? Really?

"I... I gave you it? I... It was buried in my memories anyway?"

He nods, still holding onto me thankfully.

It acted like an anchor.

"In all honesty, you sort of ended up chanting it at us but... It did the same thing either way. We got some answers. And a little information as well."

I swallow. "Oh?"

"Seems you met, or at least saw, your father working with Eren's father."

"W-What?" I frown and shake my head, none of this sounding familiar to me. It was like hearing a story from a book, not my own past. I had met Grisha? "I... H-How..."

"Shh, don't try and over-think it right now, you're probably still needing to rest. But it worked, Robyn. You did great." He nods, and a hint of his smirk appears. He almost looks proud. I just lean in till my head's against his. I hear him swallow, and his hand moves to the back of my head, holding me in place. "You said some pretty awful things about yourself, brat."

"Are you really surprised?" I breathe, but I don't hear him chuckle. When I look at him, I find myself locked in that intense gaze. He's not kidding around. In fact, the look is really rather angry. I sigh, and close my eyes again. "What did I say?"

"That you'd ruin me." His hand shakes, as it holds me.

Well of course I would. I'd said as much from the start of this thing.

I sniff and shrug. "I don't need to be under the influence, to know that one."

"Don't suppose there's any way to convince you otherwise?" He grumbles, and a bitter smile pulls on my lips. He kisses my head. "Didn't think so. Stubborn, brat."

"So what's next?" I ask, eager to have that gaze shifted from my soul.

He sighs and sits back. "My next priority, is getting you out of this cell. But I guess otherwise, it's just a case of trying to do more digging. The more information we find, the more likely it'll be that we can get the Commander back from his hiding."

I nod and look beyond the bars. Leave the cell. Risk them all.

I needed proof first.

I couldn't just swan out of here, and hope for the best. Lately, that hadn't been the best strategy for anything. I look at Levi, and his eyes narrow, already guessing he wouldn't like what was going on in my head.

"I need you to order me to do something." I say, and he stares at me. I sigh. "C'mon Levi, it doesn't have to be drastic, but I wanna know for sure that it's the right command. That you have the real phrase. I know what it feels like, so I can confirm or deny, if it's the same sensation of control."

He glares for a couple more seconds, before he pinches the bridge of his nose, and grumbles for a while. I wait. The key with Levi, more often than not, was patience.

"All right..." he murmurs, still looking unsure. He stands up and mutters something I don't quite catch, but instantly I feel wires on my limbs and I groan. The weight appeared in my head, so familiar and matching to Kenny's control. Levi looks at me and clicks his tongue. "Leave the cell, and lock me inside."

I glare at him, but my limbs move and I go with it, sighing as I do so. It felt so wonderful to obey, to simply let the current of that order surge through me. It was like lying down in bed after a hard day's training. Bliss. I blink, and find myself on the other side of the bars, the lock having clunked into place.

Levi smirks. "Now hand over the key."

I do so, and then he mutters something else, and I feel that strange pressure leave my mind. I waver, but hold myself up against the bars, panting a little.

"Shit... You really do have it." I gulp watch him leave the cell as well, slipping his arm round my waist. "You really don't want me to stay in the cell, hm?"

"I want you in my sight, Robyn. I don't trust anything right now, but at least I know I can trust that phrase. I won't let you hurt anyone, I promise." He says, and I see nothing but sincerity in those eyes. Dammit, how could anyone not trust in that?

I nod and finally let go of the bars, letting him lead me away, towards the stairs.

About halfway up I pause, and glance back.

"What's wrong, brat?" He asks, raising a brow at me.

I tilt my head. "Why don't we go see Valarie? Would be kinda good to see if this conditioning, this weird phrase, is what she meant by my father having had plans for me."

"And what makes you think she'd actually talk?"

"I dunno... Being broken at long last, with any luck? Or maybe she'll simply be bored enough to go along with it. She can't know the phrase, or she'd have already tried it, right?" I say, turning to him properly, as he leans against the wall and mulls it over.

"Potentially." He nods, and then clicks his tongue. "All right, we'll go see her, but we're taking Hanji with us. I'm not letting that miserable wench mess with our heads again, if I can help it."

"Sounds like a plan, Captain." I grin, and he steps up, pecking my cheek before taking the lead.

I follow.

I would always follow, if I could.

* * *

I stand in front of that cage and stare. It had been so long since I saw her. Or at least, it feels like it. I guess it had only been a few days, really. But this was her, the one that had started everything off. And the worst part? She hadn't even meant to.

Valarie sits huddled in the back of her little cage, whimpering every now and then. She hasn't even noticed us come in, has she? I look to Levi, but he's just staring through those bars, his brow furrowed. I think he's as caught off guard as I am. This broken little woman, she had been the beginning of all our problems. It makes little sense, right now. Had we actually broken her, by ignoring her? Had the lack of attention literally sapped her self-importance? It was weird, but in a way, the perfect situation.

Perhaps this way, she might actually talk.

I approach the bars. "All right, Valarie, can you hear me?"

She just shudders and curls in on herself more, mumbling incoherently. Not a single word gets through. Hanji is in the corner, just in case, and I have to wonder if it's the audience making Valarie clamp up. It was weird.

"Oi!" Levi barks, and Valarie's eyes pop into view as she flinched her head upright. Silence. He glares, and takes a couple steps forwards. "You'll answer her."

The woman nods.

I clear my throat. "We've recently returned from visiting the underground. We bumped into an associate of yours there. We spoke to you about him before, Kenny Ackerman?"

SLAM.

She was up against the bars, staring right through me, with her teeth bared. What the hell? I lean back, despite the lack of danger. She really was a bit broken. I look to Levi, but he hasn't moved, not even his brow had twitched. I look back to Valarie, but she just stared, her knuckles white as she clung to those bars.

"We spoke to you about him, before?" I repeat, looking her up and down, and finding her eyes narrowing at me.

"So the bastard is still alive?"

"I can only assume, as we weren't speaking with the dead." Levi drawls, tilting his head slightly and smirking. "Suddenly composed and able to speak. Make your mind up, Valarie."

"What did he say to you cretins?" She demands, eyes darting between us. Whether or not, the broken look was an act, she was definitely becoming unhinged in here. Or even more so from what she already was.

"Many things." I shrug, and then I click my tongue. "But most importantly, he told me about my father conditioning me. Opened a whole new can of fucking worms."

Valarie lets go of the bars and sighs, shaking her head as she paced her small cell.

"I see. So why are you here? Why am I having to put up with you again?"

"I wanna know, if that's what you meant by my father having plans for me." I demand, and she glances over her shoulder with a raised brow. I glare. "Don't try any more bullshit either. It's fucking boring now."

She stalks over and leans against the bars. "I really have never understood, Robyn Sanshi, why you think you're important enough to be lied to?"

I growl, and am about to rip her a new one, when a far off shout catches our ears.

That didn't sound like a good kind of shout either. Not a cheerful 'hello' across the compound, or even an order being given out. No, it had sounded more like it was riddled with panic.

The hell?

We all look to the doorway that lead to the stairs out of the small outer cells. Running footsteps are clattering towards us. A couple moments later, a cadet appears; wide-eyed and pale-faced. He has already drawn his blades.

"What's going on?" Levi and Hanji demand in unison.

The Cadet gasps. "T-Titans! A horde!" He yells, voice breaking in his panic as he clings to the wall for support.

Then came the rumbling.

"Which direction?" Levi demands, marching over.

"E-Every direction!"

Timing was everything. I stare at the cadet, and then I curse as I look up. The rumbling was getting closer. I can practically feel the steam already, as the ground shakes.

Levi looks to the cadet, their gear already on of course. "Get back to base, and do what you can to help!"

The cadet nods and turns to bolt away.

Valarie looks up and grins. "Finally! I told you they would come for me, I fucking told you scum!" She laughs. "Finally they've got their asses in gear, and come for me. Did you really think they would just forget about me?"

"A random horde of Titans is something you consider a rescue party?" I scoff, but she just shakes her head and throws it back, screaming at the top of her filthy lungs.

"I'M DOWN HERE, DAMMIT. COME AND FUCKING SAVE ME FROM THESE HEATHENS!" She bellowed again and again, stomping her feet and throwing her arms around like a mad woman.

A low roar echoes back.

Her yelling stops.

I look at Levi and Hanji, and they look at me. The Cadet continues to pant. We all feel that strange sense of dread suddenly emanating from the cell. If Valarie didn't know that roar, then who was it? I don't recognise it at all, so I know it isn't Eren.

Another shifter.

The fresh thunder seems to grow from behind Valarie, closing in fast.

I swallow hard and back away from the bars, Levi tugging me closer to him and Hanji. Another rumble sounds overhead. With any luck they'd pass by, knowing _our_ luck? We were about to be buried alive. We had to brace for anything, at this point. There were no gear stores nearby, and this far into Wall Rose there was no need to walk around with gear on all the time. We're sitting ducks. That was why Levi send the Cadet away, at least the kid had a chance.

Another rumble, another deep cracking noise, and another reason to hold onto Levi's hand tighter. That's right above us. Valarie stares at us through the bars and shakes her head. She's lost again. But before her venomous mouth can spit anything else, the world crashes in, and its only our surprised screams that can be heard.

Dust goes everywhere, the blast sends me, Levi and Hanji slamming back against the wall. Levi pulled me against his chest, taking most of the impact himself like the fool he was. Thunder smothers us, and rubble crashes all around. It was one hell of an entrance. By the time the world has settled, we're pinned under a rock. It's slap back on top of my spine. I wriggle, trying to free us, despite the fact I can feel a strange warmth running along my back. That was never a good thing. I try again, and hear Levi give a slight groan. I cough through the dust, and look up, but my tear bleared eyes are so smudged, I can barely see his face at all. I wipe at them, with my free hand, coughing again as I fight for air. He's half knocked out, with a nasty gash is on the side of his head. I look for Hanji, and find her trying to free herself as well. Thankfully only her leg is caught though.

"You all right, Hanji?" I choke out, trying to rouse Levi with pats to his cheek.

Hanji coughs harshly. "Y-Yeah. I wonder if it was one of them falling over or... o-or..." her words die away.

I know I don't want to turn around.

But as she pales, I know I have to.

Suddenly that warmth on my back, is paired with a coldness. The hairs on the back of my neck are telling me to fucking run for it. But I can't move more than arching my neck around.

Holy shit.

I turn away, but I can't get the image out of my head.

I don't think I ever will.

That was no Abnormal, that was something else entirely.

A huge, hulking Titan, was lingering over the hole now in the cells roof, it's eyes a strange golden hue in amongst dark shades. Almost entirely black. But beyond it's size, beyond it's unyielding gaze, was it's ape-like demeanour. It was entirely covered in fur. Head to toe, it seemed. What the hell? I swallow hard, and try to rouse Levi again, my pats soon turning to slaps. We need to run. We need to get out!

Then I flinch.

Valarie had started screaming.

"No! What're you doing? It's me! Who the fuck are you? Who sent you? It's Valarie! I'll be the one you were sent for, you dolt! Dammit, release me!" She shrieks on and on, until her voice finally cuts out. But then she's just struggling, and I feel the air move as that giant hand clasps her. "D-Dammit this is ridiculous! That's Sanshi right there, we have her now! Robyn Sanshi's over there!" She hisses, sounding irritated. As if she was simply struggling to put a shoe on.

Then I hear a crunch.

Her bones were giving way.

"NO! What the fuck are you do-"

Another crunch.

A thump.

Silence.

I dare not turn round again, I just keep tapping at Levi's cheek and wriggling.

"Come on, wake up, Levi. We need to move!" I hiss at him, catching a glance at Hanji again and seeing her scrambling at the rubble pinning her down.

I can't deny, the uptake in her pace has me worried.

The air behind me moves again, and I hear a low humming noise. Like the noise you might make when seeing a nice pebble to pick up. Was that the Titan? Or my imagination? For once, I'm hoping I'm off in a strange day-dream, being typical nutty Robyn, making shit up.

" **INTERESTING**." It warbles, and I freeze.

The Titan just spoke?

It actually spoke.

Holy hell, what fresh shit-pile was this? I writhe, but am suddenly freed by the rubble being moved. I turn and gape as that hand returns, reaching down to me. Oh gods. Why was it after me, now? I scramble back, away from Levi at least, but I don't get far.

"Gah!" I yelp.

Between the beast's forefinger and thumb, I'm plucked from the ground. Slowly, I'm raised into the air.

"What the hell?" I scream, gasping as the pressure on my waist makes it hard to move and then harder to breathe. I look round and see that grin getting closer. Why was it interested in me? How could it speak? My mind whirs.

" **SANSHI**?" It drawls, and I just stare.

It said my name.

I kind of go limp and shake my head in disbelief. The thing knew my name. How the hell, did this fucking thing know _my_ name? Wait, had Valarie said it? Even if she had, why would this thing even take notice? I wriggle again, when my senses come back to me, and then I can hear Levi and Hanji moving around. I look down and see Hanji hauling him out of there, whilst the world rushes past me as I'm raised higher. Dammit the force is intense, and when the thing is upright entirely, I feel like I'm going to vomit.

It's just staring.

"W-What do you want?" I demand, fighting still. I push against it's digits, I beat at them, I try everything to dislodge myself, but nothing works. I dunno what's a worse feeling. The imaginary wires of the conditioning, controlling me, or this ass-hole literally holding me still like a doll.

" **ROBYN SANSHI**." It continues, and I flinch back.

Why was it, that my name always ended up on the lips of the nastiest bastards around?

Sod it.

I glare and cease my struggles, I wasn't going anywhere, so at least I could buy Hanji and Levi some time to get away. That much I could do from here. Or at least, that much I could attempt.

"Yeah thanks, I know my own name. Why the hell do you know it?" I roar, and then I jolt. Ice crawls through my body whilst it laughs. No. It chuckles. It's amused by my words, my defiance, my effort. It was all for naught. And really, that was the truth wasn't it? That was the cold hard truth, that I needed to accept. He was playing with me. That chuckle showed that much.

Why do I get the feeling, that this big-ass ape-looking bastard knew my father?

All bastards knew my father, right?

Dammit, this was one hell of a day. But I hadn't seen myself going out, in the god-damned compound, chatting to a mountain-sized monkey. Not even my imagination had gotten that good.

I feel my bones creak. The beast's grip tightens for a moment. I gasp, my body still twitching every now and then, but its slowing. I can't breathe. The world is dimming at the edges, my mind slipping. Soon it'll all disappear entirely. Who the hell was inside this Titan, and what the hell did they want with me? I groan, head lolling forward. Out the corner of my eye I can see movements, but to me it only looks like a swarm of normal titans.

Yells echo here and there.

Dammit, I was dying slow.

" **SPEAK TO ME, LITTLE ONE**."

"Easier... When I... Can breathe..." I choke, and finally the pressure lessens on my body. I gulp the air greedily and hack my way through the rest.

" **THERE. NOW YOU MAY SPEAK**."

"Speak about w-what?" I cough and feel that all too familiar warmth on my lips. I'm bleeding inside my belly, I can already fucking tell. Or is it my lungs? One or the other, something ain't right. I cough again and wheeze. "What the hell do you want to know?"

" **EREN JEAGER. DO YOU KNOW HIM**?" It demands, and right now, I cannot even attempt a poker-face. I'm wide-eyed and staring – that's even worse! It wasn't interested in me, it was wanting something from Eren? No. No that can't happen.

The beast squeezes me.

I need to buy them time.

"Y-Yes! Yes, I fucking do know him."

" **WHERE IS HE**?" It continues, and I groan into a whimper as a bone gives a rather nasty cracking sound. At least I'm so panicked and pumped full of adrenaline that I can barely feel it. Small mercies.

"I'm not telling y-you anything!"

" **YOU DEFY ME, EVEN NOW? EVEN WHEN YOU COULD SO EASILY DIE**?" It grins and leers in, its breath reeks. I swear, if I wasn't already choking on blood, I'd be vomiting instead. I growl, and spit at it. There's that damned chuckle again. Fuck this ass-hole. He squeezes once more. A scream rips out of me, a rib giving way for sure this time. D-Dammit.

The movement out the corner of my eye gets closer.

" **YOUR NAME IS FAMILIAR. THOUGH I DOUBT IT'S IMPORTANT. YOU'RE USELESS TO ME, IF NOT WILLING TO TALK**." The beast murmurs before turning away and simply dropping me.

It meanders off across the compound as if it was simply walking through a park.

The wind whips past me. Will it be the cold earth I smack into? Or another meaty paw, only a hungrier one? I can't even brace, my body limp with the sudden release. Thump. I look to my right and grimace. Meaty paw, it was. Only this one isn't slow. It's clambering, it's hungry. I growl and try to move, unable to simply take it lying down, even now. But the pain's rendering me fairly useless. There was nothing to be done. I could hardly wriggle at all any more.

"Ugh, please! J-Just fucking get on with it..." I cough, blood spattering my chin. "It's r-rude to play with your food." I gasp, feeling that heat of the steam over me, and then hearing a vague rumbling.

Please.

If that steady thunder, is Eren bundling over here to help... P-Please don't let that be the Beast having found Eren. Please. Anything but that.

The world is still fading, but I hear shouts. They're nearby. I swallow hard, and cling to the little consciousness I have. The pain, I just focus on the pain. A steady gait lumbers over, and I hear a familiar snarl. Eren. My eyes open a little, and I watch him lumber into view. Is that Beast-like bastard still around? Or has he already left? I'm confused. Don't get caught Eren, don't let him get to you. I dunno what he wants from you, but I can't expect it to be anything good. Those things never are.

"Robyn!" I hear Hanji yell from atop Eren's shoulder.

I try and reach up, holding onto the Titan about to eat me's hand. It tries to drop me, and I hold on tight. I give a small cry and flail a little too. My rib's not happy with me. But I have to try, or else the team will be pretty miffed. The Titan grows angry, and I feel those teeth gnash near my boots.

If you're gonna save me, then fucking save me, please.

"Quick! Mikasa, kill the thing!"

I feel the damn thing jolt, and then as I slip from my grip, I'm caught by someone. My small yelp lets them know I was a little bit broken, yet again. We land on a broad shoulder, a shoulder that is rather warm. I smile vaguely as I see the watching eyes of Eren's Titan. There he was, there was my Titan.

"Need... t-to run... big guy... l-looking for Eren..." I wheeze, coughing again and feeling someone wipe the blood from my chin. I then slump against that warmth and seek the solace of sleep. I feel hands fussing over me, and someone's trying to rouse me, but it's no use. The pain drags me under.

* * *

 **I hope you all enjoyed, please leave a fav, follow and review. See you in 3-4 weeks!**

 **Quiet month, this month, but thank you to my reviewers nonetheless! Shoutouts below.**

 **MoonLover:** I always try to provide a little hope, tends to make it a more appealing story, haha! I'm glad you're still here, and still enjoying. Thank you very much for the continued support, it means a lot, especially so when the community itself has grown so very quiet. I hope you enjoyed this update as well. Speak soon!

 **Sebastian:** No problem at all, glad to know you're still here though. Haha, I'm glad it's got you gripped still. I hope this update continued that trench, and I hope things have calmed down for you busy-ness wise! Thanks for once again chiming in, means a lot. Speak soon!


	62. Now Or Never

**Hello again, everyone!**

 **WARNING: Heavy manga spoilers are ahead, ye be warned. It's littered all around for the next few chapters, so TREAD CAREFULLY. And I mean fairly HEAVY plot-points. But to be fair, we're like... approaching 400,000 words on this tome of a story, lol, to be expected at this point, isn't it?**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.**

* * *

I'm not sure how long I was out, but when I wake, there's a pleasant lack of noise and steam. That had to be a good sign. The smell of moss and mud are all around. Seems that we're in a forest now, sheltered by some Big-Ass trees. It's raining. The world seems distant, separated by windows made of drizzle. It's so strange. The rain slowly slips through the canopy as I look up, filtering down and kissing my face. Like it was weeping for us. I can only imagine the devastation back at HQ. How many had even survived? We had only a small knit group, I'm assuming, so I can only hope others fled to other areas of the walls. Gods, I hope we're not the only ones left.

I swallow hard, throat feeling scratchy. It's probably just how long I've been asleep. I try to sit up, groaning as my body aches. I'd really been thrown around, hadn't I? Bruising probably covered a good 75% of my skin at this point. My hands slip on the damp bark, but someone supports me from behind and helps me find my balance.

"Take it easy." Jean's voice quips, as he helps me sit back against the trunk, then checks my bandaging.

His own wrappings are pretty extensive, but I don't see any blood on them at least. I just hope his bullet-wound wasn't opened up again. His hands are careful as he checks me over, and his eyes are serious, but generally he seems calm. Not that Jean was prone to panic, but he was usually pretty upfront if we were in a tricky situation.

He continues. "We're safe for now, and there's no sign of that freakish looking Titan. So just stay still, if you can."

"Did..."I clear my throat, and accept some water. "Is Eren all right?" I ask, looking around and then sighing when seeing the man in question next to the small fire on the rather large branch. He looks up when I say his name.

"Um... yeah?" Jean says, glancing back as our comrade frowns at us.

Slowly Eren approaches, and I swallow hard, the memory of that Thing saying his name, too easy to recall. It was like, the thing had known Eren. Why had it been searching for him? And why had it recognised my last name?

"Why wouldn't I be all right?" Eren asks, kneeling down and tilting his head. I blink and only then notice I've started shivering. My body seems to be rejecting the very memory of that thing. Jean raises a brow and looks at Eren, but those green eyes haven't left me for a second. "Robyn, why are you so freaked? We're all right, we're in the trees, we're safe."

"I just..." I sip some more water, not daring to close my eyes for too long. That inane grin was behind my lids, waiting.

"Are you in pain?" Jean scans me again, but I just shake my head.

"Th-The beast-looking thing. It spoke to me." I put my hand over my mouth as the shivering gets stronger.

Shit, I really had been scared. With the adrenaline gone, there wasn't anything to defend against it. Titans horrify me, of course, they always would. But they had never struck fear into me like that thing had. I had always heard stories about the Female Titan, about what she had been like, about how strange it had been to be in her presence. That sense of absolute helplessness. But this? I felt like my heart was cringing back, trying to escape behind my spine. Like my mind was writhing, trying to dodge the memory.

"What did it say?" Eren asks carefully. I just stare at him, and I know tears are rolling down my face, but I can't do much against them. At the moment I'm just trying to take an even breath. My heads pounding, and that scratch in my throat pinches harder. Eren flinches. "Robyn?"

"I-It asked about you."

"Me?" He blinks and shares a confused look with Jean.

I nod. "It wanted to know, if I knew you or not." I explain and feel that echo move through my mind again. That damn voice. I bite my lip.

Jean's hand moves up and down my arm. "I'm guessing you didn't say anything?"

"Course not." I snort, and shake my head, sniffing hard. "I told him to f-fuck off."

They both chuckle a little nervously. I join in eventually.

Jean clears his throat. "You told that thing, to fuck off? Robyn, sometimes, could you at least pretend to be normal? If only, for the sake of survival."

"Mm... bad habits." I shrug.

"Well... All right." Jean scratches the back of his neck. "Freaky Titan can speak. Something else to wonder about whilst we run for our lives. But for now though, you just need to stay as still as you can. Hanji managed what she could with your ribs, but that big guy messed them up pretty spectacularly. He obviously wasn't intending you to survive that encounter."

"Didn't get that impression, no." I smile and wince as my body aches. Death must be getting pretty impatient with my dodging ass.

Eren shifts his weight. "The Beast Titan also killed Valarie."

I blink and nod, looking down into my lap. She was dead. It felt like it had been a long time coming, but now that it had happened... I almost feel robbed. I never got to pay her back for all those terrible things. Then again, maybe it was time to stop hankering after revenge. It can't be healthy. A smile almost takes to my lips. Maybe that was the most satisfying part? She hadn't even got a decent death, she'd just been wiped out, like any one of her useless pawns.

I then feel something trickle down my spine.

Something I had forgotten.

Levi. What the hell had happened to my Captain? I try and think, but everything's so blurred by movement and panic. Usually he would have been here when I woke up, why wasn't he here on the branch? Oh god. My heart races.

I jolt and look around. "Levi was pinned with rubble, wasn't he?"

"He's all right. He's resting." Eren, lays a hand on my knee and squeezes. "He got a bad hit to the head, but beyond that its only bruising."

"Shit." I groan, head in my hands.

"Not even Humanity's Strongest can handle a smack to the temple. Hanji's happy with his eyes responsiveness though. He's just resting on a lower branch. It's a bit better for light, for Hanji." Eren explains carefully, and I nod, looking down into my lap and shaking my head.

"It's just one thing after another, isn't it?"

Silence hangs there, because really it can't be denied. We'd only just got back from being in the Underground, from that mess. Couldn't we just take a fucking breath?

"But maybe that was who Valarie had been talking about all that time?" Eren suggests. "Maybe this Beast thing, is what she was talking about when she said they would come for her, that they would save her?"

I feel terrible to have to dull that look of hope in his eyes. That conclusion would have been neatly tied off, that would have made this easier. But false hope would get us nowhere.

I shake my head. "He... He killed her. She was screaming at him who she was, and that he would have been sent for her, if he had been sent by the royals. I don't think that's who he is. I think... I th-think he might be something else entirely." I breathe, and I swallow hard against the want to sob. I'm so done with crying right now. It was pointless, and by gods did it make my ribs twinge. "I think he knew my father. Or at least he recognised my last name."

"Oh..." Eren becomes crestfallen. "So, he's a new threat."

"Maybe?" I tug on my hair, as if it would make extra room in my head for this mess. "I don't know any more. I don't know who we're even meant to be fighting. Between me being a fucking puppet, and now there being a monkey running around speaking to people I..." I gulp, "I just can't."

Jean taps my shoulder. "How about I take you down to the other branch? Let's deal with the immediate issues. The Captain'll only freak, if he wakes up and you're not next to him. If he was even slightly awake or aware of what was happening, the last thing he'll remember is you being grabbed by that big hairy bastard." Jean smiles kindly and then glances at Eren, who is looking to the side, mind whirring away. "Let's just all take this slow. We have a little time to do that, at least."

"You're right, Jean." I nod and clench my hands.

"Eren, go check on Mikasa, she was looking after a pretty nasty bruise on her arm earlier. Make sure she isn't being an idiot and ignoring a fracture."

"Y-Yeah... Thanks Jean." Eren nods and walks away. For a second I have to wonder if I'm going to see smoke coming out of Eren's ears.

I look at Jean and raise a brow. "When did you become the wise one?"

"Probably somewhere in between you becoming a puppet, and there being a monkey walking around talking to us." Jean smirks and then carefully helps me stand. I wince at the pain along my side, but most of my weight is on Jean. He was a brave soul, wasn't he? Just the steady beat in amongst all our madness.

We approach the edge of the branch and he fires his wires into it, before carefully lowering us. I cling to him, to avoid him having to actually hold onto me with any kind of pressure. As we descend, I can see the others milling around. The air is sombre though, as I think everyone is feeling rather bruised.

I don't dare ask how many others actually escaped.

Either they won't know, or they'll confirm my fears. I don't bother considering the other option, that many might have survived and are simply waiting for us elsewhere. It isn't something that can be confirmed yet, and like I said, false hope would get us nowhere. So for the time being, I'll assume this small troop is all that is left of the Scouting Legion. Myself, Levi, Hanji, Eren and Jean, Mikasa and Armin. It's not a lot, is it?

The branch is a little slippy, but I find my footing soon enough .Further along, lies my Captain under a cape. He's so still. I head along with Jean's help, and eventually kneel down beside Levi. He's asleep, expression so calmly blank, it unnerves me. I take a second to hover my hand under his nose, glad to feel a steady breath waft against my skin. I can't help it, even in sleep he usually had some kind of frown on his face, or a twitch to his lip. I'm beside his head, and I carefully run my fingers through his hair. He seems fine, but I'm still glad to know Hanji is nearby. It's so easy to forget how breakable my Captain actually is. He isn't the unbeatable constant he always seemed.

"Has he woken, at all?" I ask, not really sure if I wanted to know the answer.

Hanji comes over and kneels down. She taps my nose and smiles. "A little here and there, but nothing beyond opening his eyes, grumbling something incoherent then slumping back down again. He's doing all right, Kiddo."

"Thanks." I lean against her.

"He just needs some sleep, which I guess is always true, but I can find no sign of swelling. He's breathing fine, and his eyes are reacting to light when opened." She slings her arm round my shoulder and squeezes gently. "How the ribs feeling?"

"Brilliant, of course. I was crushed in the hand of giant monkey." I smirk at her, and she slowly lets that impish grin fall into place.

"Mm... I have to ask, you know I do, how was that?"

Anything to form a new theory, huh?

I glance at Levi. "It was fairly horrible, and very confusing. He... He seemed to understand me, and seemed to be _enjoying_ the fact he could play with me. So a bit of a God Complex." I explain, and of course, she's writing it all down in the next moment. I chuckle. "You gonna give him his own page? Damn, this newfound enemy is a doozy, hm?"

"Would seem so..." she murmurs, eyes not leaving her notes for anything.

Levi stirs, and I immediately forget about Hanji's need for information. I put my hand on his shoulder, and linger in his eyeline as he starts to come round. Thankfully, Hanji sets her notes aside and scans over his movements, nothing getting past those rain-speckled glasses now.

He blinks. He stares at me and frowns.

I can practically hear the cogs in his mind grinding into place.

He blinks again, and then lurches upright, gripping my shoulders and staring with his version of wide eyes. I stay very still, having no idea what's going on in his head as he stares at me and holds his lips in a thin line. Is he thinking we're still in the cells? Is he totally lost on where we are at all? And then I see his throat move. Uh oh. I flinch back. He turns away, leaning as far over as he can, and he vomits.

Wow.

He wakes to my face, and then vomits. If that isn't telling, I don't know what is.

Eventually, he can breathe without retching, and he's given some water to rinse his mouth out. He pants for a little while, and then sits up with a lot more care. Yeah, maybe sitting bolt upright with a nasty bash to the head, wasn't such a great idea. His eyes eventually focus on me, and then he looks around the rest of the group. I can tell he's counting, so presumably he had been semi-conscious when they got onto Eren's shoulders.

He clears his throat. "Are you all right, Brat?"

"Yeah, my ribs are doing just fine." I smile softly, and he nods, with a slight grimace before rinsing his mouth out again. "The group's here, and they all seem safe. So just take it easy, Captain."

"You know that isn't gonna happen, Brat." He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, before carefully touching the healing gash on his head. "Fucking big hairy bastard."

"Yeah, seems like he got you pretty good." I chuckle, and take his hand when he stops fiddling with the healing cut. He's still pale, but his eyes are bright enough. Doesn't look like any lasting damage was done. My Captain's luck hadn't run out just yet.

Thunder rolls around the valley. It didn't seem like the weather was going to improve any time soon, at least.

I look to Hanji. "What's the plan from here? I'm guessing we can't go back to the HQ?"

"Well no, it's compromised." She sighs. "I think we need to head for the cabin, where Keza and Erwin are. Seems like the only option for the time being. Otherwise, we're just sitting ducks. And for all we know, that Beast Titan could know where they are. He's clearly well practised at strategy, to have managed to hit us so hard."

Levi sips the water and nods carefully. "You're right Glasses, we should head for the cabin as soon as we can. Likely best to do it on foot though. We can't waste gas, and we don't want Jeager to attract attention in Titan form."

"Especially as the Beast is keen on finding him." I explain, and Levi looks at me with raised brows. He then grumbles something to himself. "It's all right, everyone is clued in for now, you just rest easy. We should head off in the morning."

"We can't hang around." He shakes his head, and shifts his weight as if he's gonna get up. "We're just wasting time."

I glare at him. "Yeah, and you just threw up due to sitting up too fast. The fuck do you think using gear is gonna do to you?" I snap, and he just blinks at me. "Plus, you're in no state to carry someone, or be carried. So hush up, and fucking recover."

"The hell's gotten into you?" He asks, looking me over. I find my tongue feeling very heavy. In all honesty, I don't really know what made me so angry right then. I look down at myself, and know I'm still trembling.

I grit my teeth. "I just... it feels like everything's slipping out of control, you know? Like we're unable to catch up all of a sudden." My nails bite into my palms. "As if the world's finally decided we need to die, sooner rather than later." I shudder, the rain hissing all around us, and the world seeming to still. It seems to stare right into me, and I feel as exposed as I ever have.

"We're gonna get-"

"Just... relax and recover." I interrupt my Captain, pleading with him silently as I stare at him. He seems to get the idea, and his mouth closes. I can't hear those words yet. We have no idea what it is we need to get through, so right now, nothing is certain. I get to my feet and walk away slightly, needing room to breathe, to think, to calm down. My whole body is thrumming, not able to stay still for more than a moment. Things were building up, and up.

When was the breaking point?

* * *

As soon as dawn broke the next day, we all descended to the undergrowth and got going. Really, we have to walk as much as possible. We can't be sure exactly how close or far the cabin is, and we can't waste resources at this point. Gradually, we make our way through the forest and the sombre tone clings to us all.

As we go, Levi and Hanji are planning constantly. It seemed like once we hit the cabin, they were intent on getting to Maria as soon as possible. It felt like now or never for finding the basement, and finding the truth. With this Beast Titan looking for Eren, it felt like the noose was tightening around us all. But then again, on top of that, if the Beast really got some momentum going, he could easily break through Rose. We could lose another Wall. Humanity would be beaten back yet again, and war would break out. Humanity would consume itself. More build up.

I stumble a little as this occurs to me, but I keep going. My side is healing just fine, though the continued exposure to the elements wasn't really helping my health, I guess. The rain has been almost constant, and that damn tickle in my throat has only gotten stronger. Soft coughs escape me now and then, but I just keep moving. We couldn't afford to slow down for anything. I can handle a damn cold, yeesh! My body isn't really co-operating, but my stubbornness could outdo this. I knew that much.

It must be about halfway through the second day of walking at this point. Or had it been three? The time is merging in my head, reduced down to 'one foot in front of the other'.

"Hey, Robyn, you doin' all right?" Jean appears beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder. It feels like a boulder's worth of weight, nearly sending me toppling to the floor. I waver, but keep stepping along, nodding to him but not speaking. "Uhuh, you haven't spoken all day. What's up?"

" _I'm fine._ " I croak, clearing my throat and coughing again.

I sound like a 70 year old man that has a rather nasty smoking habit. And perhaps, a poor life-choice in gargling glass. I clear my throat again, but I've been set off. I hack away, until eventually I have to pause and lean against a tree. Dammit. My whole body convulses, and my vision blurs as the air grows thin. This was insane.

The whole group grinds to a halt, and I curse this damn cough as my lungs rattle.

"Over the next ridge, we should be within sight of the cabin." Hanji calls back, whilst I hear someone marching back towards us. Twigs snap, and leaves rustle damply.

We've delayed enough. I haul myself upright, and start to move again. But no one else is. I splutter through a sigh, about to argue with them for stopping, when suddenly I'm hauled up onto someone's back. I grumble, and stare at the undercut of my Captain as he suddenly carries me.

" _Guess... there's no point... i-in struggling?_ " I wheeze.

"You're ill, this just keeps things moving." He mutters, pulling ahead of everyone with ease. But he gives my legs an affectionate squeeze all the same. He isn't mad, he just doesn't want any of my pish, right now. I sigh, leaning against him and hugging my arms round him.

" _M'kay..._ " I concede.

"Thank you." He says, hitching me up and then humming when I kiss the back of his neck.

We traipse along. The next ridge sounded close, but really it was the rest of the day away. My body hurts all over, and my head pounds. Dammit, this was terrible timing to be ill. No, scratch that, it was bloody awful and inconvenient. I feel like a shuddering sack of potatoes. The shivering has returned with a vengeance, and I have to clench my teeth tightly to stop them pointlessly rattling.

After what feels like days on end, but is probably only a good few hours, the ridge is finally surpassed. The cabin comes into view. Dammit, it's beautiful right now. I think everyone breathed a sigh of relief. I was about to ask Levi to put me down, when he suddenly sped up and practically raced to the door. It was still a good mile away though! I couldn't understand what he was doing at first, but I guess he's just letting his panic out through adrenaline. It didn't have to be panic about me, it could just be the whole situation. With that in mind, I just cling on and stay quiet. Sometimes he just needed to burn through these things.

We reach the cabin in amazing time, and I let my legs drop as soon as he's stopped. But he keeps hold of me, turning immediately, and holding onto my shoulders.

I try and move away. " _Levi, what're you_ -"

"Shh." He stops me and puts his hand to my head. Damn, his touch like ice. Oh gods, had I got him ill as well? I'm about to ask if he's all right, when he curses under his breath and looks to the side. "Let's get you inside, you need to change out of those clothes right away."

I have no idea what's got into him, but I let him shuffle me inside anyway. Once again, there really isn't any point in arguing with the man when he was in the zone, like this.

As we open the door, Keza and Erwin are both on their feet. We heard the chairs scrape back as they reacted, and whilst Erwin holds a pistol aimed at the door, Keza has a rather sizeable knife ready. They'd been ready for anything, even after all this time? Nice work.

I give a wave, but both of them just kind of stare at me.

"Robyn? Love, you better sit down." Keza says, dropping the knife on the table, and rushing over.

I blink and look down at myself. Why was everyone...? Oh. I blink again, the wood beneath my feet seeming to warp and turn to soup. The world is swimming, and my head feels like a spinning top. Dammit, what was going on? I stumble a little, but Levi holds me up, and then helps me onto a chair.

"We think it's the exhaustion of everything that happened during our mission to the UG, paired with the constant rain we had now. Not to mention she got a couple broken ribs when the HQ was attacked." Levi explains, his voice kind of echoing around me. It seemed like him and Hanji had been talking about this at length? I didn't realise anyone had noticed I was even poorly.

Levi shrugs his cloak off and shakes hands with Erwin, their mouths moving but the words don't make any sense to me.

I try to sit upright, but with the chair under me and the cabin's safety around me, it's like my body's given up. I slump back and give an incoherent and grumpy groan, disliking the fact that my limbs felt like they were made of lead. This is so not the time to be ill body, didn't you hear me? That wasn't a suggestion! I mumble again, trying to get the words out. I would be fine after some sleep.

But I can't be understood at all, they're just looking at me like a wounded mutt. My eyes feeling heavy. The vague shape of Keza comes into view.

"That's it love, you just sleep for now. Go on, let those eyes close, and we'll get you to a proper bed." Keza soothes, stroking her hand through my damp hair. Just like old times. She smells like her home-made bread.

The weight leaves my bones.

My mind continues to swim through the newfound darkness, and I feel those aches dying away with each deepened breath. We'd made it to the cabin. We'd really made it. A light appears in my vision, swirling and warping slightly. What is that? I peer at it, and watch a lantern dance into view. It's so high up on that huge table. No wait, I'm just low-down. Next to it, stands a man with round glasses, a serious face and dark hair. The glasses flash in the light, as he and my father stand talking. I don't know where my mother is, but I only hope she's not in the room with them. The air grows angrier by the moment.

The man in the glasses bares his teeth. "She could be the key to our people's freedom, Vincent! Please consider that!"

"I don't give a fuck about that." My father refuses, shoving the man back. "It ain't what the royals asked for, and it ain't what I agreed to! You've been using me for your backwards shenanigans." My father pushes the stranger again, and the man stumbles slightly. They grumble some more.

"Your daughter... what you've managed to create here, could really turn the tides on the mainland." The stranger continues, shaking my father by the shoulders. Either he was very brave, or had no idea how bad my father's temper could get.

"That skinny little shit, ain't gonna do you or me any good. The work ain't panning out, dammit Grisha. You're too busy talkin' about far-flung places, you crazy bastard. My only concern is the royals, and what they asked me to do. If you can't commit to that, get the fuck out of my house!"

The light surges into my gaze as the door opens more, and the stranger suddenly appears in the doorway. His glasses flash down at me, and he wears an oddly solemn smile. He shakes his head, and strides past me, momentarily touching my head. I watch him leave the house, and then feel cold as the marching steps of my father approach from behind.

"What did I tell you, about eavesdroppin'? You little shit... c'mere. It's the belt this time!"

The images swirl.

The heat rages in my head.

All I know, is the sensation of falling.

* * *

 **3RD POV**

He strode through the undergrowth. His breath came out in small puffs of white, as the pace wore on his stamina. He knew he was a good couple of days behind the group at this point. But that was fine. He'd catch up. Judging from the look of that Titan, it had definitely been Eren. The studies were right, and Grisha had been a fool as per usual. Not surprising, but always disappointing. What a damned idiot.

Zeke sighs, and pushes past some more branches. This woodland was dense, and the humidity wasn't what he was used to. He glances up as another day drew towards its conclusion. He would find them, he would bring it all back for the homeland. This journey would not be for nothing, failure was not an option any more. The time for waiting had passed, and whilst his superiors grew impatient enough, he was most impatient of all.

He then thinks back to that redhead. Not many people managed to speak in his Titan's presence, let alone mouth-off. What an odd woman. Zeke smirks, he couldn't deny his sense of intrigue, but beyond that he was rather impressed she'd been saved. She should have died then and there, yet fate had spared her. How odd, yet again. Perhaps that was a good thing. Her name had rang a bell, but for the time being he wasn't sure why.

And then he paused, and then he frowned. Something trickled down his spine. It was both the rain, and her name.

Sanshi.

Was that not the name of the man, Grisha had supposedly been working with, during his time in the walls. Wasn't it? Sanshi. Vincent Sanshi, that was right. A grin pulls on Zeke's lips. He moves onwards, mind whirring away as he sought out the link. Perhaps, that red-headed woman was Vincent's daughter? The supposed test-subject that the royals had been attempting to turn into a weapon. Yes. Yes, that had to be it. A chuckle rumbles in Zeke's chest, and he rolls his eyes. If that was the case, then from the Intel alone, the girl had been on a ticking clock for too long already. She wouldn't have long to live at all. Perhaps her body would already be breaking down?

"Dammit Grisha, once more you have put a fly in the ointment." He grumbles and snaps a branch. "Guess I might as well make use of her in the meantime..." he muses, almost chuckling to himself as he carries on. He then groans as more rain slips down his back.

The island, was shit for weather.

No mistaking that.

* * *

 **LEVI POV**

Robyn slumps in the chair. Her eyes finally close, and that flush to her cheeks gets brighter. I'm amazed she managed to stay awake this long. Then again, she was always far too stubborn. Since hauling her onto my back, I'd felt the heat radiating off her for hours, like her whole body was full of boiled water. As soon as we saw the damned cabin, I knew I had to run for it whilst I still could. She's so pale, and her skin is doused in cold sweat. Her eyes look sunken, and I swear her breathing's had a wheeze to it for three days.

Carefully, me and Kirtschtein carry her up the stairs. It's not like I would normally need the help, she's light enough, but after that trek even I have to admit I'm weary. I'll never take a horse for granted again. Keza goes ahead of us to get a bed ready so the damp clothes can be stripped off Robyn. It's just going to be a case of seeing her through this fucking fever, now. It had caught up with her so suddenly. Hanji's assuming it's a side-effect of the rib injury, but something in my head's telling me otherwise. But then again, it could just be an old man's paranoia. At this stage, I think I've earned the right to a little paranoia. But whatever the cause, one thing was clear; Robyn wasn't going anywhere for the time being.

At least we had this place as an option.

Taking Robyn to Shiganshina now, would be disastrous. Not only for our own safety, having to keep an eye on her, but also for her health. She could burn up here in the cabin, let alone out there in the elements. Her expression is uneasy as she lies on the bed, and as I help peel back the damp clothing piece by piece, the smallest movements of her limbs clearly hurts. It had her bad. Once she's comfortable enough, Keza gets some warm water to give her a careful bath. Keza was damned good at this nursing thing, really. I can't thank her enough. I'm shit at it. So for the time being I just head back downstairs, mainly to stay out of the way.

Sat around that small wooden table in the kitchen, we go over everything with both Keza and Erwin. Of course, to Keza, it's mainly gossip. To Erwin? His expression darkens until I swear I heard him growl. From the Underground mess, to Kenny's messing with Robyn, to our return to HQ; it all lands on the table and seems even more daunting. It seemed Erwin really had grown attached to our wayward brat. I hope she realises how much she's loved. I can't help but doubt it, after the things she said in that bath.

By the time the stories are done, the lanterns need lit, and the fire's stoked.

Keza goes upstairs to check on Robyn, taking Mikasa in case she needed help. Eren sits with Jean, drying out the gear as much as they can, and raiding the Commander's stock as well. We would need everything for the journey ahead. Including the wagon and horse. It was going to be treacherous, but it really was now or never. No matter which way me and Glasses thought it over, time was running out. I keep checking where everyone is, like some worried mother hen or something. Guess I'm just unnerved by lacking numbers.

I wonder how many of the other brats got out?

Repeatedly, Erwin talks about coming with us, to aid in the effort. But it was pointless, he'd only be a liability. At least here, he could ensure Robyn's safety. It wasn't that I doubted Keza's fierceness, hell no. That woman gave me the chills. But I did have to doubt her physical strength, or indeed her ability to think past a problem like Erwin. No one could do that, expect perhaps the weird blonde kid that hung around with Jeager.

Safe to say Erwin isn't happy at being grounded, and safe to say I really don't give a shit.

I roll my eyes as he once again suggests his coming along. "We need you here, in case that Beast bastard has help. He could know the phrasing for controlling Robyn, for all we know. Or maybe the royals will send someone after us, as well. You have the phrase now, Erwin, so you _have_ to use it."

"Is that not little better than _them_ using it?" He rebuts with a wrinkle in his nose.

"It's better if you're doing it to only avoid them controlling her. Don't be morally pedantic with me right now." I say through clenched teeth. "Look, if Robyn's acting weird, you _have_ to use it. She'll understand."

The phrasing was desperately needed at this point. It was our main defence against those bastards. At least Robyn would have both Erwin and Keza to look after her, in terms of health, and control.

"We have to go in the morning." Hanji says as she comes back from her shower. She sits down heavily and rolls her aching shoulders. Glasses was doing well, I had to give her that credit. As a leader, she was really shining, even if the toll was obvious.

I nod, despite the fact I'll hate leaving if Robyn hasn't woken up yet. Her fever was close to breaking at least. That was something.

Gradually, everyone gets comfy for the night. We were safe here for the time being. The road ahead was fucking dangerous, but really Robyn was right. It did feel like the world had suddenly grown impatient with how difficult it was to kill us. It was throwing enemies at us faster than ever. We just had to do what we could, with what we have. Kinda our job description, right?

I head upstairs with Erwin and Keza, and as the Commander heads to bed alone, Keza takes me in to see Robyn. I wouldn't be able to stay in the same room, and risk infection, but I could at least pay a visit. She lies there on the bed, under a single sheet, that's already soaked in her sweat. The fever seemed to be in the midst of breaking, and her breathing was shallow. She looks so small.

"Can I do anything?" I ask, watching her eyes move around under her lids, lashes fluttering as her lips twitched. For once, couldn't her mind let her rest?

Keza shrugs. "Not really, love. She just needs to burn through it. With any luck, she'll be on the other side of it tomorrow morning, able to see you guys off." Keza smiles softly and pats my arm. I take another second to watch those dark lashes against pale skin. But I have to leave, I can't linger or else I'll just stay put and end up ill as well. Then she'd kick my ass. I head downstairs and settle onto one of the wooden chairs.

Jeager's curled up on one of the plush chairs, and I see how his eyes shine in the dim light. He's watching those stairs like a dog watching over its master. What's he thinking? If he stares at them, she'll suddenly be better and come with us? I click my tongue and get as comfy as possible, likely not getting any sleep, but at least I could rest my eyes.

When that rubble came down, I have to admit, I thought that was it. Knowing there was a horde of Titans incoming, and knowing how far away we were from any gear store, I reckoned our number was up. I pulled Robyn backwards, we hit against the wall, and then things kinda went dark. I guess that was when the rock smacked my head. I only remember noises beyond that, and seeing the vague shape of her being lifted into the air. Beyond that? It's just a blur. A panicked blur.

I guess I dozed off at some point.

The smell of fresh coffee rouses me, and then I also detect the tang of butter melting in a pan. That might just be the best smell in the world. I'd never seen Keza as the domestic type, but there she is, pinny and all. Although, when I raise a brow at her to make a comment, she quickly points that wooden spoon my way.

She narrows her eyes and smirks. "Don't you fucking say a word, mister."

"Wouldn't dream of it..." I mutter, shaking my head and stretching myself out of my huddled form. There's barely any light outside yet. "Has Robyn woken up?"

"Not yet, but her fever's broken."

"Oh, good. Took her time about it." I sit up and let my back give a few cracks.

"I changed her bed, and gave her another wash to avoid her feeling revolting when she does wake. But she's sleeping real peaceful for the time being." She continues. At first, I'm glad, but then the words 'real peaceful' translate into 'real still' and my eyes shoot to the stairs. Robyn was never still. Did that mean-

"She's just exhausted, Scowler." Keza interrupts my panic, setting a cup of coffee down in front of me. She knowingly winks before turning back to the pan and stirring the melting butter. "She still looks like death, but at least she's a colder death for now." Keza snorts, and throws some eggs into the pan next.

They sizzle as she starts to hum a pleasant tune. If I weren't acutely aware of how unstable this situation was, I might have felt very comfortable indeed. Erwin's sat across the table sipping some coffee, and Jean's already wolfing down some eggs. Seemed I'd fallen asleep pretty deeply.

"So, you think this smaller team is really the best idea?" Erwin asks, glancing up and staring hard. I knew his game. We'd worked together for long enough, for me to know the old git's tells. Usually when I was being unreasonable, I'd come to my senses overnight and then concede in the morning. But this wasn't one of those times. This wasn't me being pissy about cleaning duties, or pissed off at some prissy brats, this was different. We needed to push for this information, we needed to get to the basement. I knew it in my gut.

I sip my coffee. "Less people, less likely to attract attention from Titans and enemies alike."

"Mm." He stares at the table.

"You stay here with Robyn and Keza, and we can come back here when we've got what we need. Hopefully we'll have found what's in that basement, and hopefully gotten the final answers we need."

He doesn't react.

"You're needed here. You hear me?" I snap, and for a moment, everyone stops to stare. I don't give a shit though, I won't be undermined because he's having a tantrum over being left behind. "Time's against us. You were always spouting that shit, from day fucking one. But right now? We really are. The seconds are slipping away, and every one we waste? Brings us all closer to simply being fucking wiped out."

"Levi... you forget yourself." Erwin's eyes narrow.

I snort and stand upright, smoothing myself down. "As far as I'm aware, Erwin Smith, you're technically dead anyway. Hanji Zoe is the Commander of the Scouting Legion, and she's behind this plan 100%."

"Excuse me?" He hisses, and I hadn't seen that kind of look in his eyes since he dragged me out of the Underground.

"Just because you won't get to see inside that damned basement yourself." I say it, because dammit, I knew that was the problem from the second he first objected. Vain bastard couldn't change his pride. Ever since we found out about that stupid key slung around Jeager's neck, Erwin had been fucking obsessed with what may or may not be in that basement.

Erwin's lips set into a thin line, and Keza slowly stirs the eggs in the pot. She's eyeing me, but also him, not taking sides as she learns this new side? Or had she already spotted it, and made her peace with the fact he had this darkness inside him?

"I simply don't wish to lose my best men, on the whim of a panicked man." Erwin says, standing slowly and leaning on the table with his remaining hand.

I raise a brow. "You suggesting I'm panicked? Seems to me, you're the one scrambling in the dirt for an excuse to object."

"Robyn is a vital thing in your life-"

"Don't pin this on that." I snarl, hands clenching as he dares suggest I'm being a doe-eyed fool.

"I understand her importance to you, Levi. I really do. But she isn't worth throwing away the whole damned regiment. Or what's possibly left of it." Erwin continues on regardless.

I count to ten, and my fists slowly relax.

"I know that. She knows that. We _all_ know that." I answer, deciding the high road would be the best option here. No matter how tempting it was to smack his head against the tabletop. I gesture to the outside world. "But with this Beast bastard turning up, it's clear that things are coming to a head. Be it the royals, this Beast, or hell, who knows if the Colossal and Armoured might turn up again. We have to do _something_ , and now the world's made it pretty damned clear, it's _now or never._ " I hold my head high when he raises that damned brow at me.

Fuck off, I will not let you win this.

You will not make me second-guess myself and Hanji.

"You truly think it must be done?" Erwin asks again, and I know a little reason has crawled back into that thick skull.

I sigh and nod. "Yes. I wouldn't risk these people if I wasn't certain. Without this information, we are permanently on the back foot. This Beast is looking for Eren, and I reckon the reason why, will be in his fucking father's fucking basement."

Erwin stares at me.

Silence hangs heavy.

"Well then," the old Commander says, straightening up and sipping his coffee. "You better get _fucking_ moving then."

If I wasn't so angry right now, I might have laughed.

I turn and walk away simply to avoid snapping back at him instead.

Keza continues her cooking, and I hear Jean scrape his fork against his plate. We'd be leaving soon, so I've gotta see if I could at least say goodbye to Robyn with her awake. I fully intend to come back, of course I do. I want to return quickly, to help her through this new threat of conditioning, and to maybe, just maybe one day have a peaceful life together. But I have to be honest with myself as the stairs creak under my boots. I could get taken down on this mission, I'm not immortal. I'm as breakable as anyone else. This trek to Shiganshina was about as dangerous as it got. I can't leave her with no goodbye.

The door creaks open. The bed comes into view, and slowly so does she. A small bump in the blankets, almost as pale as them, but still looking a damn sight better than she had yesterday. Her hair is laid out to the side, carefully combed by the oddly caring Keza. For a second, I can almost convince myself she was merely sleeping. Then her eyes flutter open as the floorboards creak under my boot. The world gives me a slice of mercy as she wakes up. She smiles wearily, and is about to sit up when I go over and gently keep her down. The woman needed rest, and for once, I could really offer her the opportunity to try.

"Hey..." she croaks as she lies back into the plush pillow. She still sounds too weak and small, to be truly herself.

Her eyes remain a little dull, but I know that's just exhaustion. She would be back to normal in no time. I'm sure of it. I doubt she'll have much choice once Keza starts nursing her again. Carefully, I sit on the edge of the bed and stroke her hair back. Her suspicion rises immediately. Yeah, I guess it was pretty telling, if I was being tender. Not sure that's a good sign, but I'm still kinda thrilled she can read me like this. Didn't think anyone would. She knows something's up, she knows I'm gonna say something she doesn't like. Damn, she's too sharp even now.

"What's going on, Levi?" She swallows hard and winces, her body likely aching all over.

I lean in and kiss her head, sighing as I lean back. "We're heading for Shiganshina, to see if we can make it to the basement, before that Beast bastard catches up." I explain, still stroking her hair, and waiting for it to sink in. I watch it move slowly, and then her eyes widen a little.

"I c-can come. I can do it." She says, already ready for an argument about it. She's already trying to sit up again. I can't withhold the smirk, I knew her too well to have expected anything else. She sees my reaction, and I'm dismayed to see her eyes well-up slightly.

I wipe the tears away as they betray her. "Robyn, come on, calm down."

"You're not gonna let me come, right?"

"You need to stay here." I say, and she slumps. "You'd only get worse out there, on the road in the rain etc. and considering how near the breaking point you were last night? I can't risk that." I keep stroking her hair. "You know I can't."

She looks to the side. "So I'll be babysat by Keza and Erwin?"

"More like, you'll be looking after them." I point out, and she tries her best, but fails to fight back that small smile. Yeah, I had her. I kiss her head again and hum softly. "I'm glad you're awake though, we're about to leave. I didn't want to go without saying goodbye."

"Now or never, right?" She says, smiling, but still having teardrops roll down her face. Dammit she was too beautiful when she cried.

I nod. "We'll be back soon enough. Try being patient for once, Brat? We can do this, Robyn."

She sniffs. "Yeah, I get that. A-All right. But dammit, Levi you better come back. Or I will find you, and kill you all over again." She says, pouting just a bit.

"Message received, Commander." I wink and kiss her lips lightly. They're still cold to the touch. "Shouldn't be more than a few days. Just get better. And good luck trying to keep Erwin from going full on cabin-fever-crazy."

"I'll do my best." She croaks, and I stand up to fasten my cloak properly.

"I know you will brat, you always do." I nod and then head out, not daring to look back, for fear I'd lose my nerve and want to stay. It's likely just my imagination, but I really do feel like I've been saying goodbye to her, more often than not lately.

I close the door and head down the stairs, the rest of the team already waiting and raring to go. I grab the buttered roll Keza's holding out, knowing from that stern look not to argue. The team head out to the wagon.

I sigh and nod to Erwin, before placing a hand on Keza's shoulder. "We'll see you soon. She's awake up there, you might wanna-"

"I know how to deal with my Numbnuts, don't you worry, Grumpy." Keza grins, and I shake my head as we all head out the door.

A new mission was nothing new, but I think we all knew, it could easily be our last.

"Be sure to come back with a full report ready." Erwin called sharply as we clambered into the wagon. I knew it was his way of saying 'you better come back, you ass-hole'. I glance over my shoulder, and give a wave. We'd be back all right. I'm not about to allow my foolish brat to wallow herself into an early grave.

I flick the reins, and the wagon rattles along the track.

That was the point to all this, right?

Avoiding early graves for us all.

I just hope it fucking works.

* * *

 **So there we go! The team are off to Shiganshina, and Robyn's stuck in her sick bed! But will Zeke head for Shiganshina, or the Cabin?! DUN DUN DUUUUUN. See you in 3-4 weeks, to find out ;)**

 **MoonLover765:** I'm so glad you liked it! Yeah, a good dose of action is always fun. Haha, glad you liked the Beast's role, hope you continue to enjoy him as the time goes forward. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, thanks so much for reviewing again, speak soon!

 **Sebastian:** You're very welcome! Rollercoasters are ma speciality! So glad to know you enjoyed the update, but very sorry to hear things haven't calmed down for you. Shall keep hoping that they do, but hope to provide some reprieve even if they haven't! Thanks for chiming in, love to hear from you. Speak soon!

 **Grimm:** So glad you weren't disappointed! Season 2 action indeed, and manga content, but I have applied ALLLLL the warnings, haha. Zeke has his ways, the cunning fox that he is. As well as bastard, but hey ho. But yeah, I enjoyed kinda stealing the thunder from her demise, felt real satisfying to have her all weeping and screamy at the end. I wouldn't discount the conditioning just yet, plenty people still know or could know ;) just saying... Haha, it's great to know where you're focusing, I sincerely look forward to seeing your reactions as things continue! Oh, and thank you so much for highlighting the bath scene, I was really pleased with how it turned out. So thank you! I hope you enjoyed this update as well, and I look forward to speaking to you again soon!


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